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"The Once and Future Lurker #13: I am playing an A$$hole and the view is poor"

The_Capt
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The_Capt Senior Member

The_Capt

Posted
Posted

OK,

Well time for another tirade from me. I am beginning to feel like an old grumpy grandpa who nobody listens to.

So I sit alone in a dark corner and grumble to myself about the state of things and wax nostalgically as to who things were when I was young.

Damn kids, music is too loud, clothes are hanging down and you're all showing the cracks of you're asses like some sort of plumbers nightmare come to life.

"Night of the J-Drain"

Now the topic of this post is based on a question raised last week on CMBO and "nice".

That is right, how can you tell when you are playing a dud. Someone who is sure to make your multiplayer experience a living Hades and leave you with a half complete AAR and your little troops asking you "what the hell do we do now". (Due in large part because you haven't slept enough and Johnny Walker should not be used on cereal.)

Now, as an aside, I have a new Aide d'Camp. Sgt Slushy. I made him out of an old Crown Royal bag. I gave him a helmet and a cigar. He is drunk most of the time just like a real NCO during WWII and who can blame him.

The modern PC military does not exist to him. Hell, he still calls me "that Injun Officer". Now Sgt Slushy (who's voice is a Southern Drawl, like warm burbon on a cool night, except in this case he spits the burbon at you) is there to give me tactical and leadership advice. His biggest complaint in CM is that you can't have firing squads and I swear I've caught him plotting arty on Friendly Bn HQ to many times to be accidental.

Now here we are, signs your are headed for heartbreak with a PBEM opponent.

1. "I only play as Polish or Canadian". Aside from the fact that the kit is nearly identical to US/British stuff. You are playing a national zealot here and trust me he is going to take a loss very personally and probably pull the plug (oh he'll call it a Strategic Withdrawl) before end game.

2. "Have you heard of Fionns/Swamps/Ernie&Berts Rule designed to make your purchase screen a living hell?" Oh I love these; "No flame vehicles allowed to point South, No arty that uses HE, all mod troops must look like little monkeys or smurfs". Rules designed to balance play and ensure that a regular guy like me forgets something and around turn 32 gets busted for "a tank with armour sloped more that 23 degrees, prior to 1943". I am convinced that these are rules invented by Tacticaly Challenged grogs who, still smarting from the schoolyard buggering, have inflicted upon us goons to ensure we a)lose and b)stay in our rightful place in the hierachy of geekdom. Whatever happened to "no holds barred and may the best King Tiger, 300mm rocket and Gerbersjagersifflewaffen (20 MP44s, one in each hand and claymores strapped to their helmets) win. You know a real man's game!!

3. "askjlfhlakj_002azx.txt". Oh ya, my favorite!! I call it "filexyia" or the inability to name/number PBEM files according to any basic logical alphanumerical system. You may send "CaptvsIdiotboy_001.txt" and you get "IdiotboyvsCapt_A.txt" and trust me it goes down hill from there. You will spend hours "hunting for the PBEM file and just when you think you have decyphered the last mystic code you are greeted with that little "plinking" sound as you type in the password to the wrong side and have to go out and try to find the freakin file again. I swear half of these clowns work with the NSA in the crypto department. I think the tactic here is to make you so physically and mentally tired (not to mention emotionally fragile) that you will be incapable of plotting turns in anything but desperation when you do find the damn file.

4. "Well this games over". Another classic sign. It is movie 2 and you've lost a Sniper and THAT is the final sign that the game is over. You had better be the decent type and surrender, log the loss at the ladder and just save everybody the time and effort of proving the obvious. It is over my friend, that sniper was the conerstone of your forces and that Bn with Panthers just doesn't matter. Hey what are you getting mad at me for, you played it that way. Sigh!! Well I suppose we can waste our time and play this out.

5. "I like spreakin da English mit supper!!" Nice guy, could be salt of the earth but the language barrier has doomed this game;

"Well that mortar drop sure scared the **** out of me"

"I am seriously doubting that my action could cause diarree...dirariio...loose bowels unt shizen"

"Sorry, I just meant that it really surprised me, no spotting round and all"

"Wot!! You know say that you have hives because of my flamenstrumgastapo?! How can this be Tuesday?"

"OK just forget it. Let's just play on."

"THAT is not funny for ze German People!!!!!"

You get my point.

6. Your TCP chat sounds like a Counter-Strike game;

"I ROC AND U SUC. SUC MY BIG DICK BIATCH!!!

"Huh? Well you did nail my Sherman but I really don't think it is a big deal"

"SHERMANS SUX, MUTHA!!!! MY BIG KITTY IS GONNA RULZ JOOOOO!!!"

"????"

"STALIN WAS A RIGHT OLD SCOOOLZ BIATCH AND SO ARE YOU!!!"

"OK, I think I have to go to bed or something..."

7. "Welcome to Fright Night". Ok this fella is just downright creepy. "My monkey likes to eat Lepricauns". "I love the General Forum" "My name is Maddmatt"

Time to run, don't walk, run.

Now this all being said, most people you will play are decent folk who are just out to have some fun. But there do lurk the strange and unusal CM players.

You never know when one of them will be sitting on the other end of that wire, naked except for the sour cream & a screaming hand puppet

"What in the heell was that sir??!! You wouldn't have lasted 10 mins at Bastonge"

So beware and be safe....

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aka_tom_w Senior Member

aka_tom_w

Posted
Posted

Someone once posted something like this along time ago.

Does anyone remember the rant about the Grog vs. the Video Game Kid?? it had all that "I rule and U Suck " stuff in it but it was a dialogue and th Grog was a stuffy old brit like and he said things like "Oh Dear looks like Major Blimey's coy is having a rather hard time of if on the left flank"

It was Funny I wish I knew how or where to search for it. It must be at least a year or two old but the dialogue WAS PRICELESS!

can anyone help me find it?

All I recall is it was a ficticious dialogue between a no-nothing NON Grog Video gamer (twitch) KID and a Stuffy know-it-all grog and the grog was commenting about the gamey fashion and ahistorical nature of the video game kids force selection!!

its was FUNNY and especially in this thread worth revisiting.

anyone remember that one? ...

-tom w

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aka_tom_w Senior Member

aka_tom_w

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by The_Capt:

OK,

Well time for another tirade from me. I am beginning to feel like an old grumpy grandpa who nobody listens to.

(snip)

You never know when one of them will be sitting on the other end of that wire, naked except for the sour cream & a screaming hand puppet

"What in the heell was that sir??!! You wouldn't have lasted 10 mins at Bastonge"

So beware and be safe....

THIS is it

I found it it:

The_Capt

Member

Member # 4041

posted March 13, 2001 01:58 PM

So if you want to recreate a WWII battle down to "cap badges and weapons sights" go ahead. And try

and find like minded players who are also willing to play in this frame. BUT you are not better or

superior because you do. You have only decided to play the GAME a certain way.

The rest of us (and I group myself)look at CM as a game and will use everything we can in the game to

win. So if it is a coy of flamethowers and your opponent is OK with it, PLAY ON!

Problems and conflict arise when one camp bumps into the other. A die-in-the wool grognard meets a

half-liquored Friday night CM goon whose girlfriend/wife wants nothing to do with him (or her...well you

know what I mean just switch the gender labels around for you girls...both of you). They fail to

establish "ground rules" and charge into a doomed battle.

The Grognard, with his AFV posters and manuals is slaving over which Allied doctrine to try and

modelling his unit purchases against WWII OOBs. "Now did Capt Johnson have a single or gold plated

command rating? Well let's see how he fought at Anzio..." and so on.

The Half-Baked Goon; "OK let's see what a map with nothin but Arty FOs and freakin TRPs will

do..heh,heh. Oh ya I'll throw in 12 jeeps cause they burn good....man I am hungry....and thirsty. What

is taking this guy so f#$4ing long."

Now our two warriors meet. The Grognard has a perfect Bn advance as per the "Closing of the Falaise

Gap"..."Now which coy actually was forward left..." The Goon sits and giggles "C'mon you pansy assed

Brit Sh$t eaters...come to Fritzy....atta boy"

Boom! Arty starts dropping like bird crap at a beach wedding. The Grognard "oh my now what was the

allied drill...ah yes...very good..oh my he is using it all up at once...I think vonGoosestep tried that in

Italy but this is France tsk, tsk."

Goon " WOOOO-HOOO!!....(to sleeping boy/girlfriend)...you see that?! Now for the big stuff, 300mm

and another beer...belch".

BOOM, KA-F$#%ing-BOOM!!!

Grognard; "Oh my, well let me see an Axis SS Division has ###long range arty assets...oh my! That

doesn't seem right. My opponent will very "red-faced" when he sees his mistake, tee-hee....Oh dear

there goes Stanley's Coy.."

Goon; "TAKE THAT!! AHHHH-HAHAHAHAHA. I love this freakin game, I swear I saw bodies flyin. Oh

sorry dear.....And now for the jeeps."

Jeep assault onto hill 130 is carried out.

Grognard; "Now I am afraid he has gone too far...time for a stern chat message.."

Goon; "I wonder what's on Fox or wait I think that Arts channel has Euro-porn on at 11..."

Chat message:

GenAllisterMontegue: "Excuse me for saying but your force purchase seems a little excesive in the

Artillery and Recon assets."

JOhnnyRottAN: "What do yu meen?"

GenAllisterMantegue: "Well if you consult "ALL THINGS AXIS" the 1998 edition, you will see that you

simply do not have the amounts you are using here."

JOhnnyRottAN: "Hey pal! If it works, it anin't broken...you callin me GAMEY?!!!:{"

And we can all see hard feelings and anger which will result as the exchange degrades into....a forum

thread.

So the only rules are ones you mutually decide on and in the long run it is only God you will have to

answer to in the end. So happy gaming and let's just be friends.

And go our there and kill each other CM style!

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Michael Dorosh Senior Member

Michael Dorosh

Posted
Posted

Hmmm, well it would seem The_Capt is firmly in the camp of playability. I don't place him in another camp, but the original post quoted here certainly brings that camp to mind, and we have seen other examples of him on the board - the Real Army Guy.

The Real Army Guy bases his knowledge of history on what was taught to him at CFB Gagetown/Parris Island/Fort Knox/Bragg/Lewis/wherever sometime after the Vietnam War.

Real Army Guy's problems with CM come from the fact that his troops don't behave according to accepted doctrines that are right there in the Army Field Manual, if only BTS would care to a) look at it B) ask him about it. He is oblivious to the fact that the Army Field Manual was also written sometime after the Vietnam War, incorporating some 40 or 50 years of lessons learned - most of which were learned during the time frame CMBO portrays.

Real Army Guy uses words like "overwatch" that didn't exist before 1960 and can't quite figure out why his troops aren't in constant contact with his Fast Air elements, or why his engineers can't use command-detonated Claymores.

Some Real Army Guys feel the need to make long elaborate posts discussing the real life combat they saw in Grenada or Panama, and question many of the basic assumptions on which CM is founded based on that experience.

Real Army Guy also defends "gamey" play by using his real world experience. "We used Jeep Rushes all the time at Fort Benning back in '74."

"And hey, since an M1 platoon has four main line battle tanks, why would they have ever bothered with non 17-pounder Shermans in a platoon back in the big one? BTS, fix or do somefink! Those Sherman IIIs gotta be a joke, right?"

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Rodimzew Member

Rodimzew

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Posted

Dear Capt...

You left out the gut who keeps his guys crawling around in woods and cornfields within a meeting engagement for about 29 of 30 turns.....and who runs for all flags with hordes of halfsquads in the last turn.....irritating your guys who are not knowing which enemy to execute first...but who luckily kills a tank and wins a marginal victory by this, before all his troops were killed in close combat.......explaining that it was a very close game but he has won due to superior tactics....

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rleete Senior Member

rleete

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Posted

Jeez, # 7 sounds just like Mensch! However, he is one of the most entertaining opponents you will ever play, provided gameyness is the whole objective. Nothing like flame tanks in heavy fog, eh Greggo?

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mensch Senior Member

mensch

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by R_Leete:

Jeez, # 7 sounds just like Mensch! However, he is one of the most entertaining opponents you will ever play, provided gameyness is the whole objective. Nothing like flame tanks in heavy fog, eh Greggo?

That WAZ totally Fecking CooL! nothing but peasOOp fOg!! Foosh foosh with the flame throwers and wow!! did you see that guy run out of that house with burning hair!!??

I mean flame thrower tanks, think fog, Techno beats Ripp'n off from your speakers and screams of "AAARGH ME LEG!!" while your puppies are Vroom Vroom'n it down in the middle of town and setting every bloody house, street lamp, potted plant and the Neighbours dog on fire!!!

some like it warm, give'm hell with Napalm!!

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The_Capt Senior Member

The_Capt

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Posted
Originally posted by Offwhite:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by aka_tom_w:

Someone once posted something like this along time ago.

---

I found it it:

The_Capt

Member

Member # 4041

posted March 13, 2001 01:58 PM

Oh dear, only a year and our captain is repeating himself? We need CMBB stat!</font>
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