Peng Tripods: Challenging The Myth

[Guest PondScum]

Originally posted by "snake-eyes" dalem:

But O, dear Pondscum, my mantle seems to have passed to you this last turn. The things you meet on Mulberry Street!

I knew that it was a mistake to teach mon petite liege how to hack CMBO. How else to explain how his Stuarts gave a frontal whupping to my fine PzIV, or how my squads have lost 3+ men to single bursts of rifle fire, or - most of all - how his Greyhound From Hell has rampaged through the town, bouncing 20mm AP, laughing at gun hits, knocking out THREE AFVs that each got the first shot off, and finally wrapping things up by doing a "through the front door, down the hall, out the back window, nothing but net" shot through a building to kill my poor innocent 251/1.

Of course, the hack only works if you're playing as the French, so dalem has his own little cross to bear.

[MrSpkr]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

<snip> . . . we DO expect that if you are to use seconds that you make them aware of some of the ... I don't know ... PARAMETERS you expect perhaps?

<snip!snip!snip!>

Sooooo, how's about giving us a clue there lad and I'll whip up a map that will do honor to Ker Dessel*!

Well, Joe, I didn't expect to have to tell YOU of all people of the only proper setting for a match under the Code Duello. Alas, I see the senility is returning, so I will of course explicitly state my desires, to wit:

Medium map - NO RIVERS (I remember one of our more interesting maps!). If you MUST put in a river, make sure it has about half a dozen STONE bridges in it - none of this "My bridge is gone and I can't get up" crap.

Weather: Clear.

Ground Conditions: VERY DRY!!

Time of Day: NIGHT

Month/year: Surprise me.

Points - oh, say 2500 or so.

Troop quality - avoid the extremes (none of those accursed conscripts, thank you very much)

Unit types - Me axis, me want 'splodey things, clankety things, and lots of flamey things. Some squishy things would be nice too.

Donkey boy - He Allied - Let him choose some parameters, then you and spanielman get together and sort it out.

Really Joe, was that so hard? I'm a REAL 'merkin - I want lots of bright and shiny and 'splodey and flamey and clankety and squishy thingies on a map that will burn like an Irishman on Bermuda in July, and I want to play a night scenario so that donkey kong and I can get close enough to each other to actually USE the splodey and flamey thingies.

Steve

[dalem]

Originally posted by PondScum:

his Greyhound From Hell has rampaged through the town, bouncing 20mm AP, laughing at gun hits, knocking out THREE AFVs that each got the first shot off, and finally wrapping things up by doing a "through the front door, down the hall, out the back window, nothing but net" shot through a building to kill my poor innocent 251/1.

Hee hee hee - that was beautiful. Watched it many times, I did.

That's one pack of snail eaters that's getting a sackful of gastropods on my tab.

[Yeknodathon]

Originally posted by MrSpkr:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

<snip> . . . we DO expect that if you are to use seconds that you make them aware of some of the ... I don't know ... PARAMETERS you expect perhaps?

<snip!snip!snip!>

Sooooo, how's about giving us a clue there lad and I'll whip up a map that will do honor to Ker Dessel*!

Well, Joe, I didn't expect to have to tell YOU of all people of the only proper setting for a match under the Code Duello. Alas, I see the senility is returning, so I will of course explicitly state my desires, to wit:

Medium map - NO RIVERS (I remember one of our more interesting maps!). If you MUST put in a river, make sure it has about half a dozen STONE bridges in it - none of this "My bridge is gone and I can't get up" crap.

Weather: Clear.

Ground Conditions: VERY DRY!!

Time of Day: NIGHT

Month/year: Surprise me.

Points - oh, say 2500 or so.

Troop quality - avoid the extremes (none of those accursed conscripts, thank you very much)

Unit types - Me axis, me want 'splodey things, clankety things, and lots of flamey things. Some squishy things would be nice too.

Donkey boy - He Allied - Let him choose some parameters, then you and spanielman get together and sort it out.

Really Joe, was that so hard? I'm a REAL 'merkin - I want lots of bright and shiny and 'splodey and flamey and clankety and squishy thingies on a map that will burn like an Irishman on Bermuda in July, and I want to play a night scenario so that donkey kong and I can get close enough to each other to actually USE the splodey and flamey thingies.

Steve</font>

[MrSpkr]

Originally posted by Yeknodathon:

I just want to get close to him. I require surgical gloves.

Yeknod Mono-drone de Lurk

Ewww. Comments like this are EXACTLY why I don't choose the 'hotseat' manner of play.

Steve

[imported_Hiram Sedai]

Roight!! It's time for another sing-song!!

Here is a little nugget from Disturbed that reminded me of PBEM's:

Tell me exactly what am I supposed to do

now that I have allowed you to beat me

Do you think we could play another game?

maybe I could win this time

I kind of like the misery you put me through...

[Diceman]

Originally posted by Hakko Ichiu:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Diceman:

All defamatory remarks removed because I just didn't feel like stating the obvious.

[stating the obvious]This is the Peng Thread. We leave the defamatory remarks in and leave the smileys and other emoticons out[/stating the obvious]

Honestly, where do we find 'em?</font>

[Hakko Ichiu]

Originally posted by Diceman:

Actually the problem isn't where I was found, but rather where I was left. So you insidious purveyor of creative bookkeeping, got room for one more game?

Egads, a challenge. Good thing I was wearing my brown trousers. You want a piece of me? Fine, first show me evidence of Kniggethood and then we'll talk. I've got standards to maintain.

If you meet that hurdle, then get a neutral party (e.g., Andreas) to put together a set-up, or a scenario that's double blind. Something in a 1000-1500 points range, no crazy crap. I'll be Germans, Yanks, Canucks, Poles, Über-Finns, anything but French. Combined arms, armor, infantry, field brothels, I don't care. Attack, defense, what is it to me? I'm too lazy to pick my forces, but not too lazy to pick my ass. Or kick yours.

[AUSSIEJEFF]

Originally posted by Hakko Ichiu:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

While I grant you that Pertwee was amusing, Tom Baker was clearly the superior Doctor

You would say that, wouldn't you? Sorry, but Venusian Karate beats a sonic screwdriver and a bag of jellybabies any day of the week.

As to Star Trek babes, Ensign Penthouse, aka Tasha Yar, takes first place, while the Vulcan chick w/the bodacious tatas comes in second. Note that this is not a value judgement on a "spread" in Penthouse vs. a spread in Maxim/FHM/Stuff/Loaded, merely an observation of the obvious.

As to those who find this particular incarnation of the MBT slightly below par and generally lacking in taunting goodness, I would remind them that this entire conversation started with a taunt from yours truly, so there.</font>

[Panzer Leader]

Wow, I'm impressed. Now that was funny, a first for [i[AussieJeff I'm sure.

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Marlow:

It looks like at long last I have reached the end of the River Peng. In what a sad, pathetic state of affairs do I find the long sought after outpost? Debates over whether Kirk can kick Picard’s ass, vaguely homoerotic longings for Dr. Who, the Justicar starting a “Am I a Hot Cyborg or Not” contest, pictures of garden gnomes … A truly wretched and pathetic sight. Even the Devil seems bored.

Where is the taunting? The challenging? The primal hatred? I miss even the incomprehendible uttering and mutterings of Mench and The French. Where is the later day Meeks? Who will remember the glory of a sound Penging? None I fear. Instead the once glorious MBT is reduced to Star Trek and Dr. Who (which aside from the original Star Trek series are so utterly awful that the creators should be tried for crimes against humanity). The horror, the horror.

My advice for the natives of the Schloss Peng is the same as Kurtz’s:

Exterminate all the Brutes

There, there, Marlow, you'll be alright.

The lovely thing about the Peng Challenge Thread, you see, is that it is all things to all men, and a few things that are at least occasionally funny to a handful of women. That's not bad, really, given the nature of Reality™.

Now, I think it's nice to unwind sometimes with a lovely run of utter idiocy about things like Star Trek, and John Wayne, and all the little inconsequentials that make the World such a very odd place.

But you're right, of course, on a deeper level, and we must never lose sight of the true purpose, nature, and raison d'etre of the Peng Challenge Thread. And, on that note, please see my next post after this, when I shall be Taunting you and Challenging you to a game.

But, before that, I feel a sudden, very 'lowly mortal' need to make a few observations on recent topics.

Shaw, dear fellow, 6 of 9 is indeed quite, er, 'robust', and rather wonderful in her sense of 'alienness'. But hardly classic, although looking at her does always make me think of Wisconsin.

Now, I'm in complete agreement with Berli regarding Dr. Who. A fabulous program, and although John Pertwee was classy and quite a decent Doctor, Tom Baker will always be Dr. Who for me. I remember a program where he was captured by some Evil Bad Guy's henchman, who cast him onto the floor at the feet of his master, and Baker popped his head up with a disarmingly goofy smile and said: "I love your manservant, he's so wonderfully violent!"

Now, although the lovely Leela did go scantily clad, and was herself wonderfully violent, the loveliest assistant of the Doctor, who would make any but a heart of stone go pit-a-pat, was Sarah Jane Smith.

Dalem, drunk or sober, only a toad could find anything worthwhile in Kirk. His only interesting achievement during the course of his existence was in "The Wrath of Khan", in which the character of James T. Kirk was the only being to actually make a shout 'echo' in the vacuum of space, reaching all the way to the surface of a planet. It forced humanity to amend a slogan to: "In space, the only one you can hear scream is Kirk".

[ April 24, 2002, 12:15 AM: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

Now, I think it's nice to unwind sometimes with a lovely run of utter idiocy about things like Star Trek, and John Wayne, and all the little inconsequentials that make the World such a very odd place.

Do not try to explain it to the dolt. If he can't see the inherent insult to the Bren morons in our current discussions...

Now, although the lovely Leela did go scantily clad, and was herself wonderfully violent, the loveliest assistant of the Doctor, who would make any but a heart of stone go pit-a-pat, was Sarah Jane Smith.

While neither Dr. Who nor Star Trek, the loveliest assistant of them all is Mrs. Emma Peel

"In space, the only one you can hear scream is Kirk".

Listen to Kirk, explosive decompression

Listen to Kirk, explosive decompression

I hate tough decisions

[Michael Dorosh]

Only fitting - William Shatner was called "a male Fay Wray" for his ability to scream - this was before Star Trek.

Stop assing around in here and send me a turn! My troops grow weary of waiting Seanachai!

[MrSpkr]

Dalem - if you think Kirk is so great, check this out!

Or even this . . .

Remember, you brought this on yourself.

Steve

[Michael Dorosh]

Originally posted by MrSpkr:

Dalem - if you think Kirk is so great, check this out!

Or even this . . .

Remember, you brought this on yourself.

Steve

I got the compilation CD with both him and Nimoy on it as Christmas present from a friend I later disowned. Mr. Tambourine Man is truly the low point of that album.

[Stuka]

I think the Dalek mantlet armour has been mismodelled, Grog Simon, you no doubt have Aberdeen testing range figures in this department?

[OGSF]

****tybuggerbumbitchpoopisshar,

John Pertwee were tha baist bah far!

****tybuggerbumbitchpoopisshee,

Darleks shat fer John Pertwee!!

****tybuggerbumbitchpoopisspoo,

Tha Justicar as a Croda stew!

[Chorus]

Ging gang gooly gooly gooly gooly wotcha

Ging gang goo, ging gang goo!

Ging gang gooly gooly gooly gooly wotcha

Ging gang goo, ging gang goo!

Repeat taill ye bum falls off whain ye stand oop.

John Wayne ran lak a wee lassie, an' Kirk were a pillock.

An' here's a wee song tae cheer us all oop...

CrodaOdour sits ain tha old gum tree,

Festerin' git o' tha bush as he...

Laugh CordaOdour! Laugh CordaOdour!

Gay your life mus' bae!!

(Noo tha' there's anythun wrong wi' that, eh?)

SirMacOberGruppenBloodyStompinSicFeuhrerBastardABCDJimmy

[AUSSIEJEFF]

My sentiments entirely, SOGF.

And to show everyone (especially Joe Xia) that there's no hard feelings, I will spare you the piccy of the decrepit Davros that I was thinking of posting here.

(He does bear an unfortunate close resemblance to a certain Just-a-Caricature, but now no-one will see it .... mores the pity!)

AJ

[Seanachai]

A battered riverboat, scarred by arrows, it's woodwork hacked and splintered, with rails and flooring alike stained with old blood and things perhaps even less cheery, chugs its way up to a sturdy dock on the river's shore. Crouched at the forepeak is Marlow, rifle in hand, peering ahead, nervous as a cat.

He goes unmet by battle, and the craft itself ties off and kills its engines. A courteously reserved figure awaits him on the dock. When no attacks are forthcoming, Marlow finally shoulders the gun and climbs on to the dock, then stands, clearly at a loss. The quiet figure awaiting him coughs politely and asks: Marlow, isn't it?

Marlow: Yes! It is I, Marlow!

Figure: Indeed, sir.

Marlow: I've come to see the Olde Ones! None of your trickery! Take me to Schloss Peng!

Figure: No doubt, sir. If you'd be good enough to follow me.

The figure turns upon his heel and proceeds along a path from the river that winds its way through lush vegetation. Ahead Marlow can see it leave the trees and proceed up many switchbacks to an escarpment overlooking the river. Briefly clutching his rifle to himself, he hastens after the figure.

Marlow: I won't be put off, you know!

Figure: Of course not, sir.

Marlow: I've sailed up through the very bowels of the Cesspool! I've seen Hell, and had it piss on my trouser leg! But I never gave up! I never turned back!

Figure: Bravo, sir!

Marlow: So I shall be taken to the Castle! I will meet with the Olde Ones!

Figure: Never a question of it, sir.

The path steepens, and for a time Marlow hasn't any breath for further declamations. Finally, it meanders more gently across the slope as they near the top.

Marlow: And who are you? And what is your role, here at the Source of All Things?

Figure: Oh, very nice, sir. I could hear the capitals. Not everyone can carry that off.

Marlow: Answer me, foul spirit! Name thyself!

The other turns his head and cocks an eyebrow

Figure: Sir?

Marlow: Er...that is... (suddenly wondering why his every statement seems like it ends in exclamation points) your name. I...um...I crave the boon of your name! (bugger, he thought, there's another one)

Figure: Ah. Very good, sir. I'm Shaw, sir Knight. Joe Shaw.

in the tripping and clutching after the rifle that follows, Marlow does a creditable job of neither losing his feet, dropping the rifle, or blowing his own head off.

Marlow: Joe Shaw!

Shaw: Yes, Sir Marlow.

Marlow: The Justicar!

Shaw: Indeed, Sir Marlow. You seem surprised, Sir Knight.

Marlow: I...you are the Justicar! Why are you...that is, surely some Squire, or Serf...that is...

Shaw: Ah. Indeed, Sir Knight. You're surprised that I should meet you at the dock and conduct you hence.

Marlow: I am surprised! Er, that is, not that I hold you in any awe...that is, I am a Knight of the Cesspool! And thou a Seniour Knight!

Shaw: Aren't we just, though? And, perhaps, if you'd care to, you might go easier on the exclamation points? Surely Sir Knight should conserve his strength.

Marlow: Of...oh, well, of course. Yes.

Shaw: As to my meeting you and bringing you hence, is it not written: 'No Man shall come to the Peng Challenge Thread save through me?'

Marlow: Is it?

Shaw: Oh, indeed, sir. Wrote it myself. Very clear on that point. And is it not also written: 'In Schloss Peng, there are many mansions, and I go to prepare a place for you. See you at the dock.'

Marlow: Did you write that too?

Shaw: Of course, sir.

Marlow: But...then you're just some sort of...er, well, glorified Butler?

frown

Shaw: Ahaha! Sir Knight will have his little joke. I am the Justicar, Sir Knight. I will bring you to Justice. And here we are.

They have arrived at a set of massive doors, set in an imposing, rich, but rather baroque looking building. Marlow stares up, stunned, but finds himself somewhat anxious. While impressive, the building isn't particularly...martial looking. He turns back to Shaw, who has turned away to leave.

Marlow: Er, good Sir Shaw!

Shaw: Yes?

Marlow: This is Schloss Peng?

Shaw: Oh, indubitably.

Marlow: And here I shall confront the Olde Ones?

Shaw: Oh, yes indeed, this is where you will meet them.

Marlow: And here I shall stare into the very Heart of Corruption, and all my questions will be answered, and I shall look upon the Face of My Enemies, and Challenge Them?

Shaw: All that, and more, sir. Don't forget to visit the Gifte Shoppe. It's on the left after the Entry Hall.

Marlow: The what? What of the Olde Ones? Where shall I find the Olde Ones?!

Shaw: In the Great Audience Hall, sir. Poke about a bit, and you'll find it. Oh, and sir?

Marlow: Yes?

Shaw: Flash photography's welcome, except in designated areas. Enjoy your stay in Schloss Peng.

With a slight 'whoosh' of air that implies that no expense has been spared to impart dramatic sound enhancements to the Schloss Peng Experience, the doors part and slowly open. Shaw has disappeared. Clutching his rifle, Marlow enters the Darkness That Lies at the Heart of Everything. There's a mumbled curse as he hits his head on the lower end of the capital 'E'.

to be continued...

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Michael Dorosh:

Stop assing around in here and send me a turn! My troops grow weary of waiting Seanachai!

Not now, Dorosh! I am fulfilling my responsibilities as an Olde One.

Turns when the Wasteland has pushed forward...

[CMplayer]

Your attention please!

Will the Kangaroo Court please convene!

Sir (pah!) Lars hath accused me of turning our pbem into a twisted parody of a Russian Front reenactment society. Specifically, he has accused me of committing a gamey massed infantry charge.

Exhibit A:

Lars wrote:

Yep, overrun.

This isn't the Russian Front you know.

1) I don't care

2) I expended several rounds of expensive arty on smoke to cover the charge.

3) I assisted their charge with a nearby supporting attack.

And 4) Allied paratroopers, on their first time out in Normandy, did indeed commit great massed infantry charges on many occasions, as per all the great books and memoires we know and love.

Therefore j'accuse Sir Lars of whining, grumbling and bitchiness just because the tide of our match is turning.

Oh I waited patiently. I sat there turn after turn while his tank rounds made ham n' jam of my lads, slammed into their tender bodies prone in the scattered trees. I contemplated suicide, but we rallied and now we're putting this one into our pocketful of 'let him think he's winning first' victories. But to do it, the boys had to do a bit of running en masse.

I throw myself upon the mercy of the court.

[Mace]

Originally posted by Hakko Ichiu:

Ensign Penthouse, aka Tasha Yar, takes first place, while the Vulcan chick w/the bodacious tatas comes in second.

I prefer the Vulcan shiela from 'Enterprise', her tight fitting uniform hugging every curve. Her firm, large br .....err.... excuse me! *runs off for a cold shower*

But I digress. Forget about Kirk, forget about Picard, forget about the Doctor.

The most uber of captains was Sheridan, commander of the Babylon 5. He sure showed the shadows a thing or two!

Mace

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by CMplayer:

I am a complete twit and I feel the urge to justify what I did in my game with Lars

Sod the Hell off! Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Go straight to sodding off

[Brian]

Originally posted by AussieJeff:

....and just to whet your appetite for those heavily armoured DALEK MkIV AFV's that MIGHT appear in CMv23, check this out:

Now don't tell me you didn't get just a leetle bit excited at the sight of the deadly Suction Cap Raygun (effective suck range 1.2m), 2.5mm Head Mounted Spit Ball Cannon (5rpm) and not least, the Sonic Cap Gun (15dB) all protected by inpenetrable .005mm silverpainted cardboard armourplating???

What WOULDN'T you do for a platoon or two of awesome UberDaleks in YOUR next CM conflagration? Hmmmm???

[i know I am about to regret what I am about to do but it is a boring day at the office and I am feeling slightly suicidal...]

As two incarnations of the Doctor pointed out, to said uberDaleks, upon seperate occasions (Incarnation III and IV) "Ha! If you're the masters of the universe, lets see you climb those!" Running up a set of stairs. Rather destroys the myth of invincibility that, now doesn't it?

BTW, did I win anything in the betting?

[ April 24, 2002, 05:13 AM: Message edited by: Brian ]

[Speedy]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

<snip>

to be continued...

Please no!