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Peng in Paradise


jd

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Guest Mirage2k

OOH, another Peng thread, and one of my first posts in one. I feel so dirty. But may I say you have a lovely place here, as long as one ignores the fecal matter and mass of huddled PBEMers cowering near the drainage well. I also see a nasty hair clog. Madmatt??

I promise to play nice if you will, however I reserve the right to wear my steel-toed boots and bring innocent-looking brown bags with my lighter. There isn't much to do Upstate, and sadly I'm afraid poo humor retains its charms in these parts.

In any case, it seems the fresh meat to venture into this arena is met with some sort of barbaric verbal hazing ritual, doubtless perfected in Chess Club locker rooms. Unknown to you, I get this sort of treatment every day, so HA-HA, you can't win! As I feel Agua Perdido's pain, I am now formally challenging the little bugger. He'll need that water when I'm done with him.

So in the meantime I'll just wear a pair of sturdy galoshes and a beekeeper suit, and hope I can do a good imitation of an irate monkey.

-Andrew

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"No, it's not that kind of relationship. We're just friends. We are together all the time, but I never touch her porcelain skin, her soft, red lips, like rose petals from the emperor's bathwater! Bathwater, I tell you, bathwateeeeeeer!"

[This message has been edited by Mirage2k (edited 02-23-2001).]

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Marriage2K and I'mGay Perdido must battle for dominance on Crodaburg! I also hereby proclaim Crodaburg in all of it's evil unimportance and vicious irrelevence to be the official scenario for entry to the 'Pool. All would be posters must vie for acclaim on my map of destruction. For those of you who disagree, kindly play Russian Roulette with a hand grenade.

------------------

Woot! - Maximus2k

The New CessPool

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Oi! ThreeboilsBurst

You feckless arse rag of a... Am I allowed to say arse? Oh well.

Anyway, I have been instructed by my keeper PetalNZer to fully reverse your outers and inners located around the cavity where a spine would normally be located.

Under considerable duress from this locale, known ordinarily as 'Work', consider yourself completely chipper that I have managed to salvage a few moments to raise my quite fetching body from my desk and square up my rather enlarged chest and officially twang you with a hypothetical studded glove around the vicinity you have the gall to call a face.

I shall, when I return to the PleasureDomeâ„¢ of my humble residence, send you a file that you will return with a regularity that only a perfect diet and excerise regime can produce.

Failure to do so will put into effect a chain reaction that cannot be undone, whereupon I shall fly out to your particular 'Project' slum in which you domicile to entwine you in a completely authentic ewe dressage perfumed in virginal (and VERY rare) sheep 'heat'. On reaching Meeks finely tuned olfactory organ you will be subjected to such an anal assault as to render you utterly useless as a productive (in every sense) member of the human race.

ANY attempt at 'gamey' methods of effectation of this inaugral entrance into the halls of this pillar of CM society (by 'gamey' I imply any situation where you might actually defeat me), you will be the subject of my own particular vengeance; a procedure that will ensure you are not at all considered part of humanity. In fact, not 'considered' at all.

In summation, here follows the procedure, and ultimate acceptance, of your empty (except for the seed of the faggot vigilante that roam the darkest alleys you frequent with perverse regularity) shell into this Hallowed Place.

1. I will send you a file.

2. You will, from that moment on, process those files in a timely manner.

3. You will die.

Thank you for your attention, which I have no doubt, taxed you substantially.

StR

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If you didn't read it in a Sgt. Rock comic book,
It's never easy in Easy Company

Penthouse Forum,
I never thought I would be writing to Penthouse but recently my voluptous 18 year old housekeeper walked into my bedroom with ...

or Hustler,
Hustler has words?

Joe

------------------

I heartily admit you are a swine, Joe. But you are OUR swine. (Goanna)

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...to entwine you in a completely authentic ewe dressage perfumed in virginal (and VERY rare) sheep 'heat'. On reaching Meeks finely tuned olfactory organ you will be subjected to such an anal assault as to render you utterly useless as a productive (in every sense) member of the human race.

Two things are wrong with the statement above;

1) Meeks Manhood is missing, therefore it would be impossible for him to rape even the smallest bug.

2) I say he is already utterly useless as a productive (in every sense) member of the human race, so is Meeks for that matter I would go so far as to say that they (Meeks especialy)are wasting our air by breathing it and stinking it up so dam bad.

Armornut

[This message has been edited by armornut (edited 02-23-2001).]

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Guest Germanboy

Originally posted by Croda:

Marriage2K and I'mGay Perdido must battle for dominance on Crodaburg! I also hereby proclaim Crodaburg in all of it's evil unimportance and vicious irrelevence to be the official scenario for entry to the 'Pool. All would be posters must vie for acclaim on my map of destruction. For those of you who disagree, kindly play Russian Roulette with a hand grenade.

Uh Croda - here's a hint. Nobody cares about Crodaburg, or you for that matter. Why don't you write a story about a PT?

------------------

Andreas

Der Kessel

Home of „Die Sturmgruppe“; Scenario Design Group for Combat Mission.

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Originally posted by jd:

Methinks that your boastfulness shall yet hoist you upon your own petard. When your record over 20+ games equals ours, I think then maybe we shall take notice......yeah like right!

My dear marlow, since your tactical position in our current dustup is anything but secure, perhaps discretion is called for. Thanks for adding that incentive for me to actually pay a little attention to our game. I have well established my tactical inability in the fog in several games, including your ONLY win against me. And since the current game is NOT in fog, I think you ARE TOAST. muhahahhaha

Well, if its not the Gamiest of all Gamey bastards telling me how he is going to wup me in the sandbagged abortion of a battle he set up. My dear Morsey, let me put the facts to the jury:

Ladies and Gentleworms of the jury I received a message from the defendant that simply stated "prepare to be attacked." During the unit selection (1500 point, combined arms), I noted that I had been locked to Canadians. As you all know, the Canadians are probably the most handicapped of all CM forces (only pathetic rifle squads that are next to useless in any close terrain, no tank destroyers, no wasps). They essentially have all the disadvantages of the British, with few of the advantages. I select my forces anyway.

Then comes the set-up. I seems that my set-up zone permits me to deploy awfully far forward, but, with all the new patches, I figured this was some sort of change. The terrain was terrible for bolt action rifle equipped squads, heavily wooded, with moderate hills. At this point I suspected that the defendant Morse was setting me up, I just didn't know the full extent of it (I also suspected that he would take SMG heavy infantry, which indeed is the case).

The first turn arrives, and I realize that I am facing what appears to be an entire panzer division. For a 1500 point attack, the attacker (if combined arms) should have 675 points to spend on armor. Morse had (that I could see, doesn't count any hidden forces):

3 Panther Gs (approx. 600 points)

3 assault guns (approx 300 points)

3 pumas (about 250 points, but doesn’t count against the total for armor)

1 75 mm halftrack (again doesn't count against the armor total)

Notwithstanding that the pumas, the HT and one panther are now wrecks (with another poised to join them from a flank shot that should occur within 2 seconds of the next turn), this was about 900 points of armor, which is consistent with an ASSAULT, NOT AN ATTACK!!!!

Well, I think to myself, I have been well and truly sandbagged, but maybe he picked an armor force, and not combined arms. This turns out not to be the case, as over the last few turns he has show me too much infantry to purchase under a 1500 point armor attack. So Assault it is.

In closing, I ask that you the jury find the defendant, one tortboy Morse, to be a low-down gamey-assed bastard.

Morse,

Despite all attempts to stack the deck severely in your favor, I have managed to kill over half of your armor support before you have even made a significant dent in my defense. If it wasn't for the pathetic lack of firepower of the commonwealth rifle squads you stuck me with, I would be devastating your infantry as well. With the severe handicaps you placed on my forces, a blind halfwit treesloth could win for your side. If I actually manage to win, it will be a victory that is told to generations to come in song and story. It will be an epic accomplishment rivaling those of Odysseus and Beowulf.

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OSGFKMY, since i rarely bother to read your babbling crap your challenge went unnoticed. Between the CM orgy I had yesterday(sit down bauhaus) with Germangirl and Moon and a pretty large influx of new gamesthat have been started I wouldn't have sent you a file anyway. If you want to send me a set up I would be happy to show you first hand what all my boasting is about.

Which of course brings me once again to that coward Mace. This git told me he was sending a set up that he hadn't played from runes pack #4 in the middle of the week....Well, I don't know what day it is downunder but in the States it's Friday.

If both of you clowns send me set up I probably will have more games going at one time than ever before, so don't whine about turn around time or other people start challenging me until my plate is cleaned a little more.

------------------

"When they finally put you in the ground..I'll stand on your grave and tramp the dirt down" Elvis Costello

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Notice re: all My PBEM games Of late their has been a distressing tendency to worry about records. I of course submit as a prime and primpy example, that has-been wannabe Marltoad His pansy limp wristed sashaying about his 5 (count em) five wins vs the combined win loss record of his opponents displays an unhealthy predilection to actual ambition.

It behooves us to recognize and deal with this viper in our bosom. Therefore, let it be known that I have bit the bullet and voluntarily, voluntarily taken steps to dilute this misbegotten paradigm. Know that you have recently engineered my "apparent" topplement, and those in the forthcoming skein of impending reverses that I have "thrown" the games. Sadly, I have had this course thrust upon me, but in the interest of full disclosure, ethical considerations and fair play I thought you ought to know. If you subsequently achieve that what you thought impossible, i.e. a win against me, well there are reasons as set forth.

Thank you for your kind attention. Hopefully this crisis will soon pass and we came resume fully engaged battles.

------------------

If frogs had uzi's, snakes woudn't mess with them so much. - Hiram

[This message has been edited by jd (edited 02-23-2001).]

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Originally posted by Lawyer:

What is all this artsy fartsy crap being tossed around by Seanachai, chrisl, waterboy, and even jd??? This ain't no Shakespeare club, you twits. If you're proud of buying classical literature books and actually reading them, you have no business posting in the Cesspool.

Au contraire my dear jake, intelligence and culture and literary reference has always been a part of the milieu here in the pool. Sorry but since you are a bigger hick than I, go read your grog-porn while stroking your L70.

Marlslut quit your posturing and bellyaching. Life's not fair. Deal with it. Besides I always allow revenge. Makes the mix so much sweeter. Besides, it will send shivers down to my toes to jam a loss down your throat as a goose gets prepared for patê de fois gras.

------------------

If frogs had uzi's, snakes woudn't mess with them so much. - Hiram

[This message has been edited by jd (edited 02-23-2001).]

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Originally posted by jd:

I of course submit as a prime and primpy example, that has-been wannabe Marltoad His pansy limp wristed sashaying about his 5 (count em) five wins

I have only finished five games in the pool because unlike you I am not a TCP/IP slut. I prefer the time honored way of PBEM, which permits time for boasting and crowing as the battle goes on. Back to your modem twitch-chimp.

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NipponBoy, you can kindly go play Russian Roulette with the hand grenade now. As for the word "care" that you used, it has no place in this forum, as there is no caring in PengLand.

But then again, it must be tough for you to handle straightforward rules, as nothing in your life is straighforward. Of German descent, live in London, look like a nip. Wannabe-Grog, half-assed CessPooler, sorry tactician, and you put the Puss in Pompous. Then you have to contend with your London friends, one of which finally got a woman, another of which dreams of fluffy sheep. Warm beer, kidney pie, bangers and mash, from a country that can't win a war, living in a country that can't win a war by itself, looking like you belong in a rice paddy. No wonder you're so confused and so bitter. I suppose I would be too if I had any of those problems. So if you can't take the time to care about me and my stoopid, but voraciously fun map, then so be it. I'm an understanding gent.

And jd, I second the notion that records don't count for squat. As a matter of fact, since I have enough losses to count for a whole other person, I'd like to also third the notion.

------------------

Woot! - Maximus2k

The New CessPool

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Originally posted by jd:

Ah, j-lowercase-d, have you forgotten your roots? Just recently you reminded a wanabee that you were here in the Mutha-Thread since the second post. It has alwaysbeen about posturing and bellyaching, as well as boasting an preening. As a penance for your forgetfulness, head over to Mace's, put on wooly sweater, and say baaaaaa, baaaaaa, baaaAAAAAaaaa.

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Guest Mirage2k

Posted by Croda:

Marriage2K and I'mGay Perdido must battle for dominance on Crodaburg! I also hereby proclaim Crodaburg in all of it's evil unimportance and vicious irrelevence to be the official scenario for entry to the 'Pool. All would be posters must vie for acclaim on my map of destruction. For those of you who disagree, kindly play Russian Roulette with a hand grenade.

Crodaburg. Sounds like something a doctor might find in a bodily orifice. "You've got a Crodaburg stuck in your posterior, my dear boy. Nurse, the pliers, please."

And it's a LOWERCASE "k", you illiterate twit!

-Andrew

------------------

"No, it's not that kind of relationship. We're just friends. We are together all the time, but I never touch her porcelain skin, her soft, red lips, like rose petals from the emperor's bathwater! Bathwater, I tell you, bathwateeeeeeer!"

[This message has been edited by Mirage2k (edited 02-23-2001).]

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Originally posted by Marlow:

I have only finished five games in the pool because unlike you I am not a TCP/IP slut. I prefer the time honored way of PBEM, which permits time for boasting and crowing as the battle goes on. Back to your modem twitch-chimp.

Okay cat fight time....Smarlow, I have played all of one (1) tcp/ip game, with Hiram (requiet in pacem, dona eis requeim, qui tolis pecata mundi or some such fractured Latin). Unlike you, I guess I have more mental ability to handle a plethora of contests at a time. (not well mind you) So muttonchops, get that Bob's big boy out of your mouth and get yer facts straight. Ya young whelp. I just knew that we should have banged you over the head with Meek's brick, stuffed you into a weighted gunny sack and drove to the nearest bridge, flinging your worthless ass into the river, when you first showed up. There's a bad 'um, I said to myself.

Well butchcut boy, if you'd get your turns back we might see that your tactical assessment isn't accurate, you killed 2; ****e happens, I have killed a couple and have methodically been prying your sorry ass off the fore-slope, where in a haze of idiocy you placed your platoon. It's the backslope ya git where they go. Sheesh. Course where they are going at the close of last turn was to head for the outhouse back by the edge of the board, ya gamey bastardette.

There feel better?

------------------

If frogs had uzi's, snakes woudn't mess with them so much. - Hiram

edited to put a stoopid "?" instead of a "." Damn gamey grammarians!

[This message has been edited by jd (edited 02-23-2001).]

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Originally posted by Mirage2k:

As I feel Agua Perdido's pain, I am now formally challenging the little bugger.

Get bent, ya pansy[1]. The only thing of mine you'll ever feel is my boot in yer backside. And you won't even get that unless (say it with me, everyone) ya sound off like ya gotta pair. Even a slack-jawed halfwit like Croda (who apparently has half a wit more than you) manages to post things that he apparently intends to be at least vaguely uncomplimentary.

Fer criminy's sake, am I the only newbie who bothers to insult the people I challenge? Kids today got no sense of history.

Agua Perdido

Notes:

[1] "Pansy" is not intended as a homophobic perjorative. In this instance, the metaphorical intent is to compare Mirage2k to a flower: brainless and serving no purpose but as a place where whoring bees can be pimped. Like a flower, he is easily destroyed by weather, fungal rot, and romantic teenagers bent on dismembering him to divine the intentions of their lovers. The sexual orientation of the flower, or of Mirage2k, is not an issue.

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Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

[Edited because, like Croda, I can't count.]

[This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 02-23-2001).]

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Guest Mirage2k

By MyWaterBroke:

Get bent, ya pansy[1]. The only thing of mine you'll ever feel is my boot in yer backside. And you won't even get that unless (say it with me, everyone) ya sound off like ya gotta pair. Even a slack-jawed halfwit like Croda (who apparently has half a wit more than you) manages to post things that he apparently intends to be at least vaguely uncomplimentary.

Fer criminy's sake, am I the only newbie who bothers to insult the people I challenge? Kids today got no sense of history.

Oh, compare me to an object of beauty, will you? Veiled references to my physical superiority?

Don't drag Crud-A's wits into this. His half a wit may be half a wit above mine, but it's at least two wits above yours. Negative wittage may sound ludicrous to the uncultured mind, but now that Grinning Idiot is President, we may have to change the rules.

As to your boot in my backside, we'll see. Something tells me that you'll be too busy throwing it the mailman in frustration, cursing him for bringing you this nightmarish game that will be the avenue of your destruction.

-Andrew

------------------

"No, it's not that kind of relationship. We're just friends. We are together all the time, but I never touch her porcelain skin, her soft, red lips, like rose petals from the emperor's bathwater! Bathwater, I tell you, bathwateeeeeeer!"

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I like this Agua Perdido chap, he learns quickly and reads well. Has anyone claimed him as Squire? If not I have a pair of boots that could use some ... uh ... cleanup, I wandered over to Mace's corner to consult about our game and they got all this wool and gawd knows what else on them.

Joe

------------------

I heartily admit you are a swine, Joe. But you are OUR swine. (Goanna)

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I see Squire StinkytheRunt has emerged from his hovel to do the bidding of his kinigit! This is a fine day indeed. He, like the rest of you, writes pure burble in his attempt to rouse me to action. He smacks of yet another over-educated worthless egghead. The fact that he writes from work (like the rest of you) proves his worthlessness to society. I, on the other hand, labored hard for the good of my neighbors while the rest of you slept by personally disposing of over 6 tons of household garbage. This makes me fully capable of disposing of the 127 lb. of garbage known as StinkytheRunt.

Send me the file, you squirt of that cretin PeckerVD; and be quick about it. I haven't much time to waste dispatching an ingenue such as yourself.

MuckIV, I have not forgotten you so don't try to hide. How could I ever forget my first encounter with the epitome of mediocrity. I shall smash your skull in due time as I can't allow my children to grow up in a world that contains you.

Verminboy has yet to send me a file because his dance card is full. Or could it be that his pants are full. Ah well, I shall wait patiently while others expose his gamey nature he so fervently denies.

Arsenut, I have taken note of your sins against me. I have a long memory.

Now saw it off you buggers!

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Originally posted by Mirage2k:

His half a wit may be half a wit above mine, but it's at least two wits above yours. Negative wittage may sound ludicrous...

Let me get this straight: your "insult" is that I'm a negative wit-and-a-half? In case you haven't noticed, wit in the 'Pool is all about being negative (like everyone and everything else in here); you sound like an even bigger fan of mine than Joe Shaw[1].

Here, I'll put it simply: NO GAME IF YOU SAY ME NICE-NICE. ONLY GET SETUP IF YOU SAY ME BAD-BAD. And make it memorable. I've now wasted two posts on you and got not a whit of opprobrium in return[2].

Agua Perdido

Notes:

[1] Not that there's anything wrong with Joe Shaw being a fan if he's sponsoring me as his squire. While I recall that he has questionable views on cinema, I am willing to tug my forelock, accept SWAYR as JW's best film, and say, "yessirnosir, threebagsfullsir" and the like while spiking his port with strychnine and secretly plotting to unbar the manor door for his enemies. In other words, I promise just as much fealty as you'd expect in the Cesspool. Send the boots right over, sire, and I'll give 'em a good soaking (damn coffee goes right through me...).

[2] Unless I've had another Croda-esque brainfart and miscounted, I've finally ditched my juniority. I loath all of you in this fetid place with volcanic intensity for each of the posts I've wasted here. Lorak! Put down the glue for your Spock ears and inscribe my name in the Book of Peng in the "Squires/wannabes/annoying gits who won't go away" column with good Mr. Shaw (and I mean "good" in the most disparaging sense) as my sponsor.

------------------

Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

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This is what comes of taking notice of one's lessers. God, how I loathe democracy.

Treebust, the last punk that dared raise his audio codec to me like that was Croda, and that little trip through the woodchipper is what causes him to write like that today. Further, he hasn't won a game since.

Now you will get bored, or hurt, preferably the latter, and leave in a few days. That's too bad, because "stinky" is pretty good stuff, and that darned virtual skull-crushing was a rhetorical tour de force.

Your 6000 lbs. garbage has probably never been happier, now that it is associated with an upscale dumpster, and out of your worthless sphere. One wonders, what sort of addled eccentric wacko would be living with 6000 lbs. of garbage in the first place, but some questions are best left unasnwered...

Like everyone else, I'm too busy to play you now, and probably always will be, for the same reason that buses and taxis never stop to pick you up, and even mosquitoes prefer to suck morosely on cooling roadkill. You are an object of universal scorn and derision. Your body lice kill themselves with shame. A cactus would rather shave than leave a single thorn in your useless flesh. The little swords will wriggle free of your pickled eyes in disgust, and we shall be forced to use pearl onions. Damn.

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Originally posted by Elvis:

Which of course brings me once again to that coward Mace. This git told me he was sending a set up that he hadn't played from runes pack #4 in the middle of the week

Hey, I can't help it if "sloth" is my middle name!

Check your email.

Mace

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Originally posted by Agua Perdido:

Let me get this straight: your "insult" is that I'm a negative wit-and-a-half? In case you haven't noticed, wit in the 'Pool is all about being negative (like everyone and everything else in here); you sound like an even bigger fan of mine than Joe Shaw[1].

Here, I'll put it simply: NO GAME IF YOU SAY ME NICE-NICE. ONLY GET SETUP IF YOU SAY ME BAD-BAD. And make it memorable. I've now wasted two posts on you and got not a whit of opprobrium in return[2].

Agua Perdido

Notes:

[1] Not that there's anything wrong with Joe Shaw being a fan if he's sponsoring me as his squire. While I recall that he has questionable views on cinema, I am willing to tug my forelock, accept SWAYR as JW's best film, and say, "yessirnosir, threebagsfullsir" and the like while spiking his port with strychnine and secretly plotting to unbar the manor door for his enemies. In other words, I promise just as much fealty as you'd expect in the Cesspool. Send the boots right over, sire, and I'll give 'em a good soaking (damn coffee goes right through me...).

[2] Unless I've had another Croda-esque brainfart and miscounted, I've finally ditched my juniority. I loath all of you in this fetid place with volcanic intensity for each of the posts I've wasted here. Lorak! Put down the glue for your Spock ears and inscribe my name in the Book of Peng in the "Squires/wannabes/annoying gits who won't go away" column with good Mr. Shaw (and I mean "good" in the most disparaging sense) as my sponsor.

Woohoo... woohoo... Registered Sept. 15, 2000 with a total of 31 posts.

Old Agua-boy is a member now, and we all know what kind of member we're talking about.

Next thing you know, he'll be running around posting "Hey! What are youuuuu doinnnnnggg!"

Freakin' newbies. Sheesh.

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To the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee...

[This message has been edited by Herr Oberst (edited 02-23-2001).]

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