I fell out of the Peng Tree and hit every Challenge on the way down

[MrSpkr]

Personally I blame Seanachai for all this.

Where in the heck is the Justicar when you actually WANT him?

Steve

[The_Capt]

Originally posted by Michael Dorosh:

Bad Fiction Day? Cool, can we make it a contest for a case of wine?

So when is Seanachai going to announce to all and sundry...oh never mind, just chew on this, dalem...

THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD

On January 15th, 1971, Astronaut Bruce McAndless was on the verge of the greatest discovery in human history. Despite his weightlessness, he could feel a sinking feeling in his stomach, as the full important of what he was witnessing hit him. When he reported on his findings, he knew the entire human condition would change permanently. McAndless kicked against the side of his agile spacecraft, righting himself in relation to the Earth, hundreds of miles below him. He fumbled for the mike key, and as he clicked the button on his chest harness into the "on" position, a swell of emotion surged inside him. He all but choked as he began to speak, managing only the word "Houston" before his thoughts turned black, and he was at a loss once again. As an orator, he was no Neil Armstrong, and so he paused to consider once more. The object he had been regarding for the last ten minutes, the cause of his concern and of his excitement, drifted slowly at his feet, shining in the reflected light of the sun. McAndless worked up his courage one more time, and began to transmit the words that promised to change mankind forever.

But that is not part of our story.

* * *

Our story begins instead on a pale grey day, sometime in the late 1990s, with humankind already on a collision course with the inevitable, McAndless' grim reportage now only a twenty-five year old memory in those who bothered to remember it.

Humankind is nothing if not ungrateful to its' forebears.

Thoughts like that were lost on Julia Pumpernickle, however. Her typically teenaged empty headed outlook on life had no room for astronauts or floating mystery objects or reflections on what might have been. She was on her way to her part time job, as Second-to-Assistant Big Maccer at McDonalds. She worked at the oldest McDonalds restaurant in town, the flagship of the line, a city institution since 1964.

Humankind is also quick to establish institutions.

Pumpernickle swept through the door on this July afternoon as she always did, today prompted to give a flourish and a curtsey towards the Third Assistant French Fry Manager, who responded with a solemn nod. The acne'd faces of the staff turned to face Pumpernickle, radiant in her starched shirt and paper hat. Many smiled. They could not help but smile.

Her fly was open again.

But Pumpernickle swept on and into the kitchen, oblivious, as was her nature, to anything and everything that might be wrong in the Universe. Pumpernickle was the last of the great optimists. She believed in the possibility of world peace. She considered the long lasting lightbulb a reality. Mostly, though, she hoped she could watch Julio clean the grease traps without being made physically ill.

She was wrong. She couldn't.

Wiping the remnants of her breakfast from her chin as she staggered out of the girl's room, Pumpernickle scowled at Julio and walked, without flourish or curtsey, to her post at the Big Mac Station.

The cleanliness of the stainless steel apparati lulled her back into her optimistic frame of mind. The video monitor beckoned to Pumpernickle, and she eagerly set out on her task, blissfully unaware as she assembled the little calorie bombs that her life was about to change forever.

Actually, she was pretty much blissfully unaware nearly all of the time, but this time there was something really important to be blissfully unaware of.

* * *

It was at that moment also that Celia Sidebottom was nearing the end of her day. Sidebottom, while the same age as Pumpernickle, had nothing of the empty headed optimist about her. Today, she was downright depressed, and if asked about her condition, she would probably have even stooped to use the word "downright" while describing it.

Sidebottom was sixteen, and could not claim to be blissfully unaware of anything. Quite the contrary, she was painfuly aware of just about everything. Hungry people in other countries genuinely bothered her. When her brother, in response to dad's old saw 'finish your vegetables, there are people starving in Belgium' had replied with 'here, send them this,' Celia broke his plate over his head, earning for herself the nickname 'Rosebud'. The ecology was a prime concern of hers; she wore shoes made only of recycled pulp fibres, and sewed her own clothes from wool. She smelt bad in a rain storm, but to Sidebottom, fashion wasn't everything.

She shared her outlook with many of her schoolmates - many of whom, as a matter of fact, were so concerned about the planet that they couldn't bear to look at it. They spent most of their time under the influence of alcohol, narcotics, and various inhalants. Sidebottom regretted her association with these seedy characters, far preferring to donate her time to the city's poor and underprivileged - the ones who begged for money so they could afford alcohol, narcotics and various inhalants.

Life is a game of vicious and unforgiving circles.

Oddly enough, however, Sidebottom was a happy person. She had mastered many of life's greatest skills, including self-delusion.

* * *

"Well, I thought you did a wonderful job with the Big Macs today," Elizabeth, the Senior-of-the-Junior-Managers told Pumpernickle. Pumpernickle flushed. She couldn't understand why staff evaluations had to take place while she was moving her bowels, but she didn't argue. She flushed again and exited the stall. "Do you think I might move up?" she asked. "Maybe wear a headset, even?"

"Always dare to dream," Elizabeth told her without sarcasm. Elizabeth came from one of Boston's wealthiest families. Her father had been a proud man, and a fountain of knowledge.

"Always dare to dream," he had told her. "Always remember who you are, and where you are from." He liked to share his knowledge with her over an after-dinner green onion eaten raw, right on the stem. Elizabeth never forgot her father's last piece of advice, right before his death.

"Elizabeth," he told her as she bit into her dessert, "always remember that no matter what happens in this life, you have always been, and always will be, a Hoare."

"Yes, father," she had said, tears running down her face.

She only wished she could someday voice those same words to Julia...

Ahh Michael!! You write like I envision you do push-ups...grunting and sweating like a Kansas potbelly after every one.

Don't give up your day job..which I understand includes cleaning bedpans...

[Michael Dorosh]

I get to sort the thermometers too.

Rectal from oral.

Easiest way to tell is by taste....

I have nice little story for dalem on my hard drive, but he has to beg me first. Kirk takes his shirt off an everything....

[ June 16, 2002, 09:51 PM: Message edited by: Michael Dorosh ]

[Boo Radley]

Originally posted by The_Capt:

They had squeezed out a couple of kids. Both of which were blonde and blue eyed...A regular WASP family. Complete with matching dogs and lawn.

The dogs and lawn were blonde, too? Kind of monochromatic wouldn't you say? Taking Aryanism just a wee bit too far for my book.

[rleete]

Originally posted by Boo_Radley :

The dogs and lawn were blonde, too? Kind of monochromatic wouldn't you say? Taking Aryanism just a wee bit too far for my book.

Why, you're just racist! That's it. That's the reason you persist in mowing down my fine young aryan soldiers defending their beloved home of Crodaburg .

I'll bet you pour the used photo developer chemicals down the storm drain, too. You racist planet wrecker.

[dalem]

Originally posted by The_Capt:

You pathetic twit!! I am so drunk right now that I can barely type. I lay out more lead into the maddening spiral of my story and all you can say is "You spelled 'gesture' wrong". It is scum like you that killed the great minds of our generation. Go somewhere and fade away quietly if you please..some of us are trying to do something.

If I wanted you to be my spell checker I would have rattled my zipper.

I can always learn to spell properly but you Sir will always be just a critic!!

But you used a "j" when you should have used a "g". Didn't you notice?

[Leeo]

Originally posted by dalem:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by The_Capt:

You pathetic twit!! I am so drunk right now that I can barely type. I lay out more lead into the maddening spiral of my story and all you can say is "You spelled 'gesture' wrong". It is scum like you that killed the great minds of our generation. Go somewhere and fade away quietly if you please..some of us are trying to do something.

If I wanted you to be my spell checker I would have rattled my zipper.

I can always learn to spell properly but you Sir will always be just a critic!!

But you used a "j" when you should have used a "g". Didn't you notice?</font>

[The_Capt]

Those who cannot do..master punctuation and syntax.

Those who can, get the latter to do their "thing" as well as wash their cars and clean out the stables.

[Guest PondScum]

Originally posted by The_Drunk:

Those who cannot do..master punctuation and syntax.

Those who can, get the latter to do their "thing" as well as wash their cars and clean out the stables.

Former. Not latter. FORMER. Just how long have you been drinking today?

[The_Capt]

Originally posted by PondScum:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by The_Drunk:

Those who cannot do..master punctuation and syntax.

Those who can, get the latter to do their "thing" as well as wash their cars and clean out the stables.

Former. Not latter. FORMER. Just how long have you been drinking today?</font>

[Goanna]

Good point my single celled friend. You should put on a hat and cover it up. Now send me another action-packed movie in this little even-the-poms-learned-to-bbq party we have going.

[Stuka]

Originally posted by AussieJeff:

you seem to have a type of fixation for all things Utahan! Please explain!!

The Just-a-moped is a denizen of the 3rd world fiefdom of Utah.

There can be no better synopsis of my utter loathing for that blight on the flag of the red, white and blue than that.

In fact,I shall petition George W this morrow, that the flag of the Union have one of its stars coloured brown in order that Utah be more accurately portrayed.

Any more dumb questions?

[CMplayer]

Originally posted by YK2:

i'm surprised someone hasn't snapped him up as a squire by now.

I 'snapped him up' weeks ago. The_Capt is my squire, and a snappin' fine one at that. He'll be great once I iron out a few kinks...let's see, cotton..linen..synthetics? Just gotta get the setting right on this thing.

[Guest PondScum]

Originally posted by CMplayer:

He'll be great once I iron out a few kinks...let's see, cotton.. linen.. synthetics? Just gotta get the setting right on this thing

Crank it all the way up to maximum... yup... extra steam... that's right... and now hold it down on him... keep going... until the boiler runs dry.

There. See? No more kinks. Ever.

[AUSSIEJEFF]

By Berli's Beard I'm reticent to admit the following BAD news (well, it IS Monday here.....)

Let it be known with attendant shame that I, Sir AJ, soon-to-be self-proclaimed Master of Loss, have scored an UDDERLY PATHETIC Axis Tactical Victory to the tune of ME: 66pts and Noba: 34pts in the epic Attack Laghouat desert rats scenario created by yours truly.

The rate at which Noba's AFV's 'sploded in pretty fireballs was frightening to behold. The billowing smoke from his hordes of barbeque-inq tin cans resembled scenes during Op Desert Storm when the Iraqis torched the oil wells!

Of course, the vanquished Noba of clan Slaphappy will be along shortly, to vainly plead for mercy and shower hisself with platitudes. Tho' what use a win I say?? Does that hold good for posterity in the Tome of Cess Loss?? NAY and DOUBLE NAY!!! (hmmm ..... there's that echo again.....)

So, must I loathingly request the official Cess Scribe, yon Lorak, to pen not my folly and instead mark an <U>historic and widely valued loss</U> against the name of the said Nobbit.

AJ

{Victorium Ad Nauseaum}

[Joe Shaw]

Originally posted by MrSpkr:

Personally I blame Seanachai for all this.

Where in the heck is the Justicar when you actually WANT him?

Steve

You pathetic, miserable little Lawyer wannabe swine! You have exactly and precisely TWO options, allow me to list them for you since you are, after all, YOU!

(5/1 Adustable Rate Mortgage) Accept the gauntlet thrown in challenge by mine own good self and send a setup forthwith (I MIGHT allow you to send one fifthwith since it will NOT require postage but you'll attempt to put some on anyway to increase the billable charges) OR ... and here's where it gets tricky ...

(Regulation Z) Cringe and sulk in cowardly debasement as you admit, once and for all, that I AM the better man and you haven't the nerve, the cojones, the will to face me on the field of battle ... digitalized though it be.

Berli, I know this will go against the grain but TRY, just this once, to tell the truth, there's a good (or bad if you prefer) force of elemental evil.

Your call for Coventry was, at best, a weak and pitiful cry, not once repeated and not once given the full weight and majesty of a call from the Olde Ones. It's clear to all that you were likely in your cups again and got confusted between The_Capt and the long gone but not lamented Capt. Mineri (or whatever the hell his name was).

Yet when I protested mightly and with much vigor the elevation of The_Capt to Squiredom you were ... SILENT! Thus my statement is proven true in that you did NOT support my stand but stood idly by while your betters took up the challenge of protecting the standards of the MBT. Your own actions give you the lie Berli.

I AM the only true judge of the worthyness of applicants for Squiredom and I am, frankly, the only one who can save the CessPool from this infusion of mediocrity.

Joe

[The_Capt]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

I think Lucifer said the exact same thing before JC, Big Guy and Spook transfered him to the basement.

[Joe Shaw]

Originally posted by The_Capt:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

I think Lucifer said the exact same thing before JC, Big Guy and Spook transfered him to the basement.</font>

I believe that my point has been made for me ... again.

Joe

[Patchy]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

I AM the only true judge of the worthyness of applicants for Squiredom and I am, frankly, the only one who can save the CessPool from this infusion of mediocrity.

Joe, I disagree...if you were the only true judge of worthiness for Squiredom, then we might end up with a bunch of Justiciar clones! What a frightening thought.

Persephone

[The_Capt]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by The_Capt:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

I think Lucifer said the exact same thing before JC, Big Guy and Spook transfered him to the basement.</font>

I believe that my point has been made for me ... again.

Joe</font>

[Boo Radley]

Originally posted by R_Leete:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Boo_Radley :

The dogs and lawn were blonde, too? Kind of monochromatic wouldn't you say? Taking Aryanism just a wee bit too far for my book.

Why, you're just racist! That's it. That's the reason you persist in mowing down my fine young aryan soldiers defending their beloved home of Crodaburg .

I'll bet you pour the used photo developer chemicals down the storm drain, too. You racist planet wrecker.</font>

[The_Capt]

Originally posted by Persephone:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by The_Capt:

A search of the Cesspool?! You sad sorry ignorant manchild. Or perhaps that was an attempt at irony, either way much like yourself a total failure.

Now that is gratitude for you. I try to bring a little laughter into your collective crooked, blackened, pathetic little lives and I get "We saw that already". Well here is a theory

A) Maybe everybody didn't see it

It will be much funnier when I post it because I am such a great guy.

C) Repitition on the Peng thread?! My Gawd call Madmatt so that he may bark and hurl saliva in all directions!!! If ever there was a banning offence it is a doppleganger post in the Cess pool..oh look another doctored picture by that "I am a real CM playing chick"-chick.

Now just play the damn file have a cackle and say "thank you".

Persephone..I actually really like your doctored photos...I see you have an interest in photography..hey hey no what I mean..say no more!

Oh god now I am doing it...where did I put that .38...

Duh_Capt, if you are still alive and able to read this post...send me a piccy of yourself and I will make sure that it will become a one-of-a-kind masterpiece.

Persephone</font>

[Patchy]

Originally posted by The_Capt:

Why Ms P, are you-a-flirtin with me?

Duh_Capt, No...I just want the satisfaction of humiliating you in front of the Cesspool community. You could use a little bit of humbling.

Persephone

[Noba]

UDDERLY PATHETIC

Ain't that the truth. He says..."test this little beauty out for me... I designed it myself...( I need a Patsy, hahaha ) you'll do".

{Well, if the cap fits...)

So I says, "OK, I'll play, promise to be nice".

So we starts off like; and we's all run into the mines, like. Then the ATG's on the hills start pepperin' the leading units, then the mg's rake the unprotected infantry, then the pillock-boxes open up for good measure...and just before the smoke comes down, his reos pop up at the head of the valley I have to force, and dispatch the leading troops, then the arty comes down and makes my day. Apart from that; it wasn't too bad. Just need to take about 50% of the defenders away and you may be on the way to some balance me boyo.

So the score wasn't that bad, in the end.

By the way Aussie Joke, I have a little scenario you might want to try for me.....

Noba.

[Joe Shaw]

Originally posted by The_Capt:

I am Squired..not squirreled as many believe. Now you can continue to bleat like a goat in heat or simply accept me as your superior and get on to groveling and breathing on the floor.

You mistake me lad, I hold you personally responsible for nothing more than failing miserably in your quest for acceptance here. But who, really, can blame you? Is it not the goal of of every sentient being to improve themselves? And is not the CessPool a worthy goal, granted in YOUR case you have stretched your hand to the stars but it is not YOUR fault and I bear you no ill will. It is the error of your Liege that has brought us to this point.

Your sad campaign grows tiresome, much like the Cesspool itself under your Divine Intervention.

Hmmmm, let me see if I have this correct. You find my campaign tiresome and wish that it would end. You also state, by extension, that you find the CessPool tiresome in it's current incarnation. May I suggest, then, that you take matters into your own hands? Waste not a moment lad ... SOD OFF!

Now if you really wish to take me on then let us be about it then. Send me a setup, I will gut you and make sausage from your hooves and snout. The I will serve said meaty treat at the annual Cess Scotchtoberfest luncheon.

I have no wish to "take you on" lad, as the most Seniour of Seniour Knights I am under no obligation to play a mere Squire nor, indeed, am I under any obligation to play anyone.

But we have, I fear, a more weighty matter in front of us now. My friends of the CessPool, kindly cast your glance upon the pofile of he who would be Squire. Do we see a lack there? Is there something that SHOULD be in the profile of every SSN, let alone Squire to the CessPool?

Who can tell me what is missing and the procedure to be followed by all CessPudlians with such a supplicant?

Anyone ... anyone ... Bueller?

Joe