I fell out of the Peng Tree and hit every Challenge on the way down

[Boo Radley]

Originally posted by The_Capt:

It will be much funnier when I post it because I am such a great guy.

This is wrong on so very many levels.

[The_Capt]

Originally posted by Boo_Radley:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by The_Capt:

It will be much funnier when I post it because I am such a great guy.

This is wrong on so very many levels.</font>

[dalem]

Originally posted by The_Capt:

IF LOVIN THE_CAPT IS WRONG..OH LORDY..I DON'T WANNA BE RIGHT!!!!

You don't get to notch the bedpost when you take advantage of yourself, sir.

[Boo Radley]

Originally posted by dalem:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by The_Capt:

IF LOVIN THE_CAPT IS WRONG..OH LORDY..I DON'T WANNA BE RIGHT!!!!

You don't get to notch the bedpost when you take advantage of yourself, sir.</font>

[The_Capt]

Cool! Now we are talking my language!

Let's have a frank discussion on spanking the monkey...

I think it is like being gamey..we all do it but no one wants to admit to it.

Polishing the dolphin.

Crowning the bishop.

I will pass on the advice a Snr NCO of mine gave

"It relieves stress and feels good. How can that be bad?"

Of course there is the counter argument made by another NCO of mine..

"If you have enough energy to jerk off in the field..you are not working hard enough and are letting the team down!"

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by dalem:

You don't get to notch the bedpost when you take advantage of yourself, sir.

Do you think he consented? Or did he force himself on... himself?

[Michael Dorosh]

Originally posted by The_Capt:

Cool! Now we are talking my language!

I will pass on the advice a Snr NCO of mine gave

"It relieves stress and feels good. How can that be bad?"

Thank God junior officers still have Sergeants and Warrants with which to have heart-to-heart talks like these with. One of the many endearing tribal rituals the Canadian Army pepetuates...and one of the reasons that Canadian youth prefer to work at McDonald's for less money, fewer hours, and worse working conditions....

The Peng Challenge Thread used to be about wit and wisdom; I see none of that in the last two or so pages.

Where is Seanachai when you need him?

Or perhaps you can just go back to heaping scorn on dalem and Panty Liner.

Speaking of the former, he was (and speaking of self-play) going to send me a setup...then the friggin Stanley Cup got in the way....I think it is OVER now 9 months later, so in the 3 days before the 2002-2003 NHL season starts up, how about it?

[The_Capt]

Originally posted by Michael Dorosh:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by The_Capt:

Cool! Now we are talking my language!

I will pass on the advice a Snr NCO of mine gave

"It relieves stress and feels good. How can that be bad?"

Thank God junior officers still have Sergeants and Warrants with which to have heart-to-heart talks like these with. One of the many endearing tribal rituals the Canadian Army pepetuates...and one of the reasons that Canadian youth prefer to work at McDonald's for less money, fewer hours, and worse working conditions....

The Peng Challenge Thread used to be about wit and wisdom; I see none of that in the last two or so pages.

Where is Seanachai when you need him?

Or perhaps you can just go back to heaping scorn on dalem and Panty Liner.

Speaking of the former, he was (and speaking of self-play) going to send me a setup...then the friggin Stanley Cup got in the way....I think it is OVER now 9 months later, so in the 3 days before the 2002-2003 NHL season starts up, how about it?</font>

[The_Capt]

Chapter One,

I wasn't a Drunk so to speak. I was perhaps better described as an Alcholoic in Training.

I drank hard, each bottle an effort. Not taken as a social centre-piece but rather a weight to be disposed of as quickly as possible.

"The race for numbness" Is what I called it. That sweet point where you can't feel your lips and the pain of the past fades into the fog.

It is a place where babies go. In the soft tender stomaches of Mom. Suckling on the teat and the rest of the world just fades away. In the end many just trade in soft flesh for the cold end of a bottle.

Some wondered why a gifted and decent man with the world open before him would run to the shelter of chemicals in his bloodstream.

The answer is quite simple..the world was an open door and like a fool I decided to the walk through that door.

I should have simply stayed stupid. Happy and stupid. The best drug in the world is ignorance. It shield us and keeps us safe and sound. Quitting cold turkey is a bitch.

I was 32 when I decide to begin to look at our past. Up until then I had been a non-descript professional with just enough "strangeness" to make me interesting.

I had slogged thru school and the the rest of the hurdles society throws in front of us. I had excelled and succeeded. My parents were so proud.

My first and only marriage had been in tow with the ideal life. Michelle was a piece of fluff. Easy on the eyes. Pouting everything. And best of all "dependently silent". All was well.

Then one day I began to wonder at the world around me. Call it basic curiosity. Call it a perverse need to know. 20 yrs ago my "slant" would have been the same as a pot-bellied middle aged man wh liked to jerk-off to pictures of 13 yr old girls. But in my day and age it was much worse. Sticky dreams of diddling little girls (or boys for that matter) would be a small "discrepancy" compared to my interest in my world of today.

I guess my first question was "why?". Why were we like we were. It is a question all people have asked for generations but my crime was to warp the question into "were we always this way" and "what were we before?"

This is a crime when one digs deep enough.

My search started and ended with Him. The record of what really happened were obscure and laid deep in the bottom of the Internet. I had to work for 18 months to begin to piece everything together. I talked to many lunatics in that time and I suspect I became one myself but in the end here is the truth as I know it..

[AUSSIEJEFF]

Originally posted by The_Capt:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Panzer Leader:

Yeah, thanks The_Capt but we had that link here two weeks ago. Do a search. A really long search, perhaps for truth or justice.

Dalem's OldFolkstrum have fallen dramatically and utterly to my ingenuitive Merkuns.

A search of the Cesspool?! You sad sorry ignorant manchild. Or perhaps that was an attempt at irony, either way much like yourself a total failure.

Now that is gratitude for you. I try to bring a little laughter into your collective crooked, blackened, pathetic little lives and I get "We saw that already". Well here is a theory

A) Maybe everybody didn't see it

It will be much funnier when I post it because I am such a great guy.

C) Repitition on the Peng thread?! My Gawd call Madmatt so that he may bark and hurl saliva in all directions!!! If ever there was a banning offence it is a doppleganger post in the Cess pool..oh look another doctored picture by that "I am a real CM playing chick"-chick.

Now just play the damn file have a cackle and say "thank you".

Persephone..I actually really like your doctored photos...I see you have an interest in photography..hey hey no what I mean..say no more!

Oh god now I am doing it...where did I put that .38...</font>

[The_Capt]

Originally posted by AussieJeff:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by The_Capt:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Panzer Leader:

Yeah, thanks The_Capt but we had that link here two weeks ago. Do a search. A really long search, perhaps for truth or justice.

Dalem's OldFolkstrum have fallen dramatically and utterly to my ingenuitive Merkuns.

A search of the Cesspool?! You sad sorry ignorant manchild. Or perhaps that was an attempt at irony, either way much like yourself a total failure.

Now that is gratitude for you. I try to bring a little laughter into your collective crooked, blackened, pathetic little lives and I get "We saw that already". Well here is a theory

A) Maybe everybody didn't see it

It will be much funnier when I post it because I am such a great guy.

C) Repitition on the Peng thread?! My Gawd call Madmatt so that he may bark and hurl saliva in all directions!!! If ever there was a banning offence it is a doppleganger post in the Cess pool..oh look another doctored picture by that "I am a real CM playing chick"-chick.

Now just play the damn file have a cackle and say "thank you".

Persephone..I actually really like your doctored photos...I see you have an interest in photography..hey hey no what I mean..say no more!

Oh god now I am doing it...where did I put that .38...</font>

[AUSSIEJEFF]

<BIG>DAGNABBIT!!!</BIG>

Th' miserable varmint is still a-kickin' n' a-foamin' at th' mouth!! Thet ruddy .038 only took out th' last shred of his brain...

Quick! Somebody pass me mah Elefant<SUP>tm</SUP> gun 'afore he gits all uppity agin'.

<BIG>*KA-<BIG><BIG>BOO-<BIG>OOM!!!*<SMALL><SMALL><SMALL><SMALL>

There ....... that shoulda done it!! I hereby do declare this'n Pool o' Cess CLEAR of all rabid vermin.

AJ

----------------------

Head Honcho

ACME V.A.P.* EXTERMINATORS INC<SUB>tm</SUB>

(*Very Annoying Pest)

[Joe Shaw]

The_Capt ... what part of ... sound off like ya got a pair but not ABOUT your pair ... did you NOT understand?

And here, Berli, as if more proof were needed, is another prime example of why the Justicar of the Peng Challenge Thread needs, NEEDS I say, final authority over the elevation of Squires. I railed against the elevation of this fool but was I supported by you? I was NOT! And now look what we have!

Am I the ONLY one with discernment here? Opps, sorry, asked and answered I see.

Joe

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

I railed against the elevation of this fool but was I supported by you? I was NOT! And now look what we have!

Oh? Really? Not supported you is it? I CALLED FOR COVENTRY ON THIS ONE BEFORE YOU WOKE UP FROM YOUR NAP! AND NOW WHEN I TRIED TO GO AFTER THE PERPETRATOR OF THIS CRIME YOU TAKE ANOTHER NAP> WELL SLEEP WELL, GRANDPA, THE BARBARIANS ARE AT THE GATE.

I feel... better now

[dalem]

Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by dalem:

You don't get to notch the bedpost when you take advantage of yourself, sir.

Do you think he consented? Or did he force himself on... himself?</font>

[Hakko Ichiu]

Originally posted by dalem:

Personally I suspect he's just easy.

His lips said, "No, no," but his hand said, "Yes, yes."

[Patchy]

Originally posted by The_Capt:

A search of the Cesspool?! You sad sorry ignorant manchild. Or perhaps that was an attempt at irony, either way much like yourself a total failure.

Now that is gratitude for you. I try to bring a little laughter into your collective crooked, blackened, pathetic little lives and I get "We saw that already". Well here is a theory

A) Maybe everybody didn't see it

It will be much funnier when I post it because I am such a great guy.

C) Repitition on the Peng thread?! My Gawd call Madmatt so that he may bark and hurl saliva in all directions!!! If ever there was a banning offence it is a doppleganger post in the Cess pool..oh look another doctored picture by that "I am a real CM playing chick"-chick.

Now just play the damn file have a cackle and say "thank you".

Persephone..I actually really like your doctored photos...I see you have an interest in photography..hey hey no what I mean..say no more!

Oh god now I am doing it...where did I put that .38...

Duh_Capt, if you are still alive and able to read this post...send me a piccy of yourself and I will make sure that it will become a one-of-a-kind masterpiece.

Persephone

[**YK2**]

Originally posted by The_Capt:

Chapter One,

I wasn't a Drunk so to speak. I was perhaps better described as an Alcholoic in Training.

I drank hard, each bottle an effort. Not taken as a social centre-piece but rather a weight to be disposed of as quickly as possible.

"The race for numbness" Is what I called it. That sweet point where you can't feel your lips and the pain of the past fades into the fog.

It is a place where babies go. In the soft tender stomaches of Mom. Suckling on the teat and the rest of the world just fades away. In the end many just trade in soft flesh for the cold end of a bottle.

Some wondered why a gifted and decent man with the world open before him would run to the shelter of chemicals in his bloodstream.

The answer is quite simple..the world was an open door and like a fool I decided to the walk through that door.

I should have simply stayed stupid. Happy and stupid. The best drug in the world is ignorance. It shield us and keeps us safe and sound. Quitting cold turkey is a bitch.

I was 32 when I decide to begin to look at our past. Up until then I had been a non-descript professional with just enough "strangeness" to make me interesting.

I had slogged thru school and the the rest of the hurdles society throws in front of us. I had excelled and succeeded. My parents were so proud.

My first and only marriage had been in tow with the ideal life. Michelle was a piece of fluff. Easy on the eyes. Pouting everything. And best of all "dependently silent". All was well.

Then one day I began to wonder at the world around me. Call it basic curiosity. Call it a perverse need to know. 20 yrs ago my "slant" would have been the same as a pot-bellied middle aged man wh liked to jerk-off to pictures of 13 yr old girls. But in my day and age it was much worse. Sticky dreams of diddling little girls (or boys for that matter) would be a small "discrepancy" compared to my interest in my world of today.

I guess my first question was "why?". Why were we like we were. It is a question all people have asked for generations but my crime was to warp the question into "were we always this way" and "what were we before?"

This is a crime when one digs deep enough.

My search started and ended with Him. The record of what really happened were obscure and laid deep in the bottom of the Internet. I had to work for 18 months to begin to piece everything together. I talked to many lunatics in that time and I suspect I became one myself but in the end here is the truth as I know it..

I'm assuming all the backlash you poolers are giving to The Capt is nothing more than the usual warm welcome of the MBT.

IMO his posts are amongst the most readable of late and quite frankly i'm surprised someone hasn't snapped him up as a squire by now.

BTW Capt don't keep us waiting too long for the second chapter.

[dalem]

Originally posted by YK2:

I'm assuming all the backlash you poolers are giving to The Capt is nothing more than the usual warm welcome of the MBT.

IMO his posts are amongst the most readable of late and quite frankly i'm surprised someone hasn't snapped him up as a squire by now.

BTW Capt don't keep us waiting too long for the second chapter.

Very base stuff. Too much prattling on about thingies and lolitas. Nowhere to go with it, no hook, no lead.

I liked the part about the .38 being used as his own personal "full stop" though. That showed promise and I'd like to see it fleshed out.

[Fionn]

Quick update...

Harv's forces are advancing rather nicely directly into the areas beaten by my artillery fire. There is much gnashing of teeth and thrashing around ( mainly the thrashing of dismembered legs) as well as a few men running directly into the fire of my infantry and dying at a most gratifying pace.

Elsewhere,

Peng's men have had their schnaps ration and should, therefore, burn quite nicely and easily. This makes my men happy

[Boo Radley]

Originally posted by YK2:

I'm assuming all the backlash you poolers are giving to The Capt is nothing more than the usual warm welcome of the MBT.

IMO his posts are amongst the most readable of late and quite frankly i'm surprised someone hasn't snapped him up as a squire by now.

BTW Capt don't keep us waiting too long for the second chapter.

I dunno. I find it hard to dance to, so I'm only going to give it a 6.

[The_Capt]

Chapter One..cont

He was alot like me. He had lived his life in sweet obscurity. Living the lie we all like to hold in front of the mirror when the hard questions are asked.

He had done everything our "society" could ask of anyone. Good schooling. Military Service. And a decent job helping to build America when he met one Jessica Werner, who had decent tits and by all accounts He was the first to see them, in their adult form of course.

They had squeezed out a couple of kids. Both of which were blonde and blue eyed...A regular WASP family. Complete with matching dogs and lawn.

No one knows when He began to think "outside the box". But needless to say it was "a shock to everybody" when the truth came out. Many simply shook their heads. As if such a pathetic jesture could make it go away. As if somehow the simple moving of that waste of gray matter from side to side could stop something which would change us all.

He was a non-descript man, without outstanding anything. He was the "line", one which he towed in faceless unknowness, like his father and fathers, father before him.

Was there something which could have pointed to His destiny? Some sort of mark or perhaps a convenient code on his forehead.

No he was plain, decent and hardworking. Just like you and me..and that was his key. It was the cornerstone of his victory. In the end he only opened the door and the rest of us walked through it..as if there was a choice.

The First Day has been spoken and theorized by many. Many see it as akin to Jesus stepping out of the tomb (if he sees his shadow does that mean 1000 more years of humanity?)

But the reality is , as I sort through my paranoid sources, that it was a day like any other...

[dalem]

Originally posted by The_Capt:

Chapter One..cont

He was alot like me. He had lived his life in sweet obscurity. Living the lie we all like to hold in front of the mirror when the hard questions are asked.

He had done everything our "society" could ask of anyone. Good schooling. Military Service. And a decent job helping to build America when he met one Jessica Werner, who had decent tits and by all accounts He was the first to see them, in their adult form of course.

They had squeezed out a couple of kids. Both of which were blonde and blue eyed...A regular WASP family. Complete with matching dogs and lawn.

No one knows when He began to think "outside the box". But needless to say it was "a shock to everybody" when the truth came out. Many simply shook their heads. As if such a pathetic jesture could make it go away. As if somehow the simple moving of that waste of gray matter from side to side could stop something which would change us all.

He was a non-descript man, without outstanding anything. He was the "line", one which he towed in faceless unknowness, like his father and fathers, father before him.

Was there something which could have pointed to His destiny? Some sort of mark or perhaps a convenient code on his forehead.

No he was plain, decent and hardworking. Just like you and me..and that was his key. It was the cornerstone of his victory. In the end he only opened the door and the rest of us walked through it..as if there was a choice.

The First Day has been spoken and theorized by many. Many see it as akin to Jesus stepping out of the tomb (if he sees his shadow does that mean 1000 more years of humanity?)

But the reality is , as I sort through my paranoid sources, that it was a day like any other...

You spelled "gesture" wrong.

[Michael Dorosh]

Bad Fiction Day? Cool, can we make it a contest for a case of wine?

So when is Seanachai going to announce to all and sundry...oh never mind, just chew on this, dalem...

THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD

On January 15th, 1971, Astronaut Bruce McAndless was on the verge of the greatest discovery in human history. Despite his weightlessness, he could feel a sinking feeling in his stomach, as the full important of what he was witnessing hit him. When he reported on his findings, he knew the entire human condition would change permanently. McAndless kicked against the side of his agile spacecraft, righting himself in relation to the Earth, hundreds of miles below him. He fumbled for the mike key, and as he clicked the button on his chest harness into the "on" position, a swell of emotion surged inside him. He all but choked as he began to speak, managing only the word "Houston" before his thoughts turned black, and he was at a loss once again. As an orator, he was no Neil Armstrong, and so he paused to consider once more. The object he had been regarding for the last ten minutes, the cause of his concern and of his excitement, drifted slowly at his feet, shining in the reflected light of the sun. McAndless worked up his courage one more time, and began to transmit the words that promised to change mankind forever.

But that is not part of our story.

* * *

Our story begins instead on a pale grey day, sometime in the late 1990s, with humankind already on a collision course with the inevitable, McAndless' grim reportage now only a twenty-five year old memory in those who bothered to remember it.

Humankind is nothing if not ungrateful to its' forebears.

Thoughts like that were lost on Julia Pumpernickle, however. Her typically teenaged empty headed outlook on life had no room for astronauts or floating mystery objects or reflections on what might have been. She was on her way to her part time job, as Second-to-Assistant Big Maccer at McDonalds. She worked at the oldest McDonalds restaurant in town, the flagship of the line, a city institution since 1964.

Humankind is also quick to establish institutions.

Pumpernickle swept through the door on this July afternoon as she always did, today prompted to give a flourish and a curtsey towards the Third Assistant French Fry Manager, who responded with a solemn nod. The acne'd faces of the staff turned to face Pumpernickle, radiant in her starched shirt and paper hat. Many smiled. They could not help but smile.

Her fly was open again.

But Pumpernickle swept on and into the kitchen, oblivious, as was her nature, to anything and everything that might be wrong in the Universe. Pumpernickle was the last of the great optimists. She believed in the possibility of world peace. She considered the long lasting lightbulb a reality. Mostly, though, she hoped she could watch Julio clean the grease traps without being made physically ill.

She was wrong. She couldn't.

Wiping the remnants of her breakfast from her chin as she staggered out of the girl's room, Pumpernickle scowled at Julio and walked, without flourish or curtsey, to her post at the Big Mac Station.

The cleanliness of the stainless steel apparati lulled her back into her optimistic frame of mind. The video monitor beckoned to Pumpernickle, and she eagerly set out on her task, blissfully unaware as she assembled the little calorie bombs that her life was about to change forever.

Actually, she was pretty much blissfully unaware nearly all of the time, but this time there was something really important to be blissfully unaware of.

* * *

It was at that moment also that Celia Sidebottom was nearing the end of her day. Sidebottom, while the same age as Pumpernickle, had nothing of the empty headed optimist about her. Today, she was downright depressed, and if asked about her condition, she would probably have even stooped to use the word "downright" while describing it.

Sidebottom was sixteen, and could not claim to be blissfully unaware of anything. Quite the contrary, she was painfuly aware of just about everything. Hungry people in other countries genuinely bothered her. When her brother, in response to dad's old saw 'finish your vegetables, there are people starving in Belgium' had replied with 'here, send them this,' Celia broke his plate over his head, earning for herself the nickname 'Rosebud'. The ecology was a prime concern of hers; she wore shoes made only of recycled pulp fibres, and sewed her own clothes from wool. She smelt bad in a rain storm, but to Sidebottom, fashion wasn't everything.

She shared her outlook with many of her schoolmates - many of whom, as a matter of fact, were so concerned about the planet that they couldn't bear to look at it. They spent most of their time under the influence of alcohol, narcotics, and various inhalants. Sidebottom regretted her association with these seedy characters, far preferring to donate her time to the city's poor and underprivileged - the ones who begged for money so they could afford alcohol, narcotics and various inhalants.

Life is a game of vicious and unforgiving circles.

Oddly enough, however, Sidebottom was a happy person. She had mastered many of life's greatest skills, including self-delusion.

* * *

"Well, I thought you did a wonderful job with the Big Macs today," Elizabeth, the Senior-of-the-Junior-Managers told Pumpernickle. Pumpernickle flushed. She couldn't understand why staff evaluations had to take place while she was moving her bowels, but she didn't argue. She flushed again and exited the stall. "Do you think I might move up?" she asked. "Maybe wear a headset, even?"

"Always dare to dream," Elizabeth told her without sarcasm. Elizabeth came from one of Boston's wealthiest families. Her father had been a proud man, and a fountain of knowledge.

"Always dare to dream," he had told her. "Always remember who you are, and where you are from." He liked to share his knowledge with her over an after-dinner green onion eaten raw, right on the stem. Elizabeth never forgot her father's last piece of advice, right before his death.

"Elizabeth," he told her as she bit into her dessert, "always remember that no matter what happens in this life, you have always been, and always will be, a Hoare."

"Yes, father," she had said, tears running down her face.

She only wished she could someday voice those same words to Julia...

[The_Capt]

Originally posted by dalem:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by The_Capt:

Chapter One..cont

He was alot like me. He had lived his life in sweet obscurity. Living the lie we all like to hold in front of the mirror when the hard questions are asked.

He had done everything our "society" could ask of anyone. Good schooling. Military Service. And a decent job helping to build America when he met one Jessica Werner, who had decent tits and by all accounts He was the first to see them, in their adult form of course.

They had squeezed out a couple of kids. Both of which were blonde and blue eyed...A regular WASP family. Complete with matching dogs and lawn.

No one knows when He began to think "outside the box". But needless to say it was "a shock to everybody" when the truth came out. Many simply shook their heads. As if such a pathetic jesture could make it go away. As if somehow the simple moving of that waste of gray matter from side to side could stop something which would change us all.

He was a non-descript man, without outstanding anything. He was the "line", one which he towed in faceless unknowness, like his father and fathers, father before him.

Was there something which could have pointed to His destiny? Some sort of mark or perhaps a convenient code on his forehead.

No he was plain, decent and hardworking. Just like you and me..and that was his key. It was the cornerstone of his victory. In the end he only opened the door and the rest of us walked through it..as if there was a choice.

The First Day has been spoken and theorized by many. Many see it as akin to Jesus stepping out of the tomb (if he sees his shadow does that mean 1000 more years of humanity?)

But the reality is , as I sort through my paranoid sources, that it was a day like any other...

You spelled "gesture" wrong.</font>