One Peng to Pool Them All, And In the Challenge Malign Them

[CMplayer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Seanachai:

Not only am I useless wank,l am not the brightest bulb in the chandelier. I left my computer on, with my login set via cookie, and (and this is the really bright part) I left the Immoral Peng and Berli (lovely fellow) unattended. Not my finest hour<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You poor fellow, because I thought those were your two best posts ever.

[Mace]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Seanachai:

Sadly, this is the sort of thing that occurs when one leaves the house to buy food for ungrateful swine, who then log on to the Thread using your sign on and villify you using your own identity.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

We knew that.

The real Seanachai would have posted his musings in at least 30 paragraphs, which the rest of us would have scanned over quickly and then moved on to something that takes lest time than an afternoon to read.

Mace

[Seanachai]

Hello, all, from the gathering of the Old Ones. We are sending a quick tribute to Moriarity, who, although as loathsome as any man who's ever lived, is now quite favoured by the Old Ones of the Peng Challenge Thread, for he sent along a rather nice bottle of ambrosia. Which is now gone. This will become more apparent, as you read Peng and Berli's additions:

[berli].... I must say that that Lagavulin went down my throat well. Sean and I treated her like a lady, but Peng has been arrested for statutary rape (bit young that one... only 16 years old).

Must say that I really enjoyed the 'Elixir', but that doesn't change the fact that I loath you. Die a lot Now, but before you do, send more Lagavulin

Peng... it isnt fair tha I ha such a nasty case a te hiccups because I am about to rip Sheanachai a nw patooooootie GAH! Shaggy is on;ly 29 ffeh my god I have enough 20mm guns oh hell

[Berlichtingen]

Weell, if ye hafn't gueesed yet, Peeeng is a wee bit gassed.

[Seanachai]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

Weell, if ye hafn't gueesed yet, Peeeng is a wee bit gassed.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Well. I guess we always knew this could happen. Peng and Berli are completely in the bag, and arguing over who's turn it is, and both of the bastards have the hiccups, and both of them are affecting a strange mixture of Brit, Irish, and Scottish accents. It's truly awful.

Never have I expected to be in a room where Shandorf was the most sober man present.

I can only hope that sometime during the night, I will pass from this vale of tears. Hopefully not at the hands of either Berli or Peng, as I'd hate to die at the hands of people that sodding drunk. For one thing, they'd make a hideous job of it at this point. I'd rather die clean. Secondly, I'd hate to have someone who was in the act of killing me hurl on me at the same damn time.

As I said, I'd rather die clean.

[Mace]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Seanachai:

As I said, I'd rather die clean.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Seanachai, as one of the older cesspoolers here, let me offer some advice:

don't fall asleep, whatever you do!!

Who knows in what strange ways your body will be violated if you do!

Mace

[Seanachai]

Shandorf Rioght! This is Shandorf here! I am surrounded by mid-life crises balding baaaaastards.

Not only have I crushed Berli in a QB which he never struggled for I have been subjected to the worst form fo scottish penis envy that one could be subjected to. needless to say i will be in need of hours of therapy and paxtil to overcome these horrific memories.

Well, it looks like two of the old ones have left in search of a spot of vietnamese lovin. or as we put it in my world.... havin' lunch at the Y. Needless to say i feel they will be unsuccessful in their endeavors and I fear the local police will be in for a spot of their company. This is shandorf reporting live here at the old one gathering.

Seanachai Well, this is actually Seanachai himself reporting here, and Shandorf has the roight of it. We've been hearing sirens ever since Peng and Berli went off to the Vietnamese restaurant. Hopefully they're currently under arrest. Even more importantly, they won't remember which building they came from.

Peng and Berli are now shouting (yes, they've returned, and are not currently under arrest) that Lars is a miserable pillock. He never showed up here today. We called him many, many times, and he never replied.

You who know what we suffer here, pray for us.

[ 10-21-2001: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

[ 10-21-2001: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

[Stuka]

Sharndorf!!

Get out of there now!

Once the old ones decide that a bit of young boy lov'in is better than no luv'in at all, you are in big trouble.

Unless of course a spot of alcohol-laden breath on the nape of your neck is what you are secretly yearning for.

You sneaky, underhanded temptress.

[BFCElvis]

It sound like you are getingthe worst kind of Penging. I hve been there ad know the dangers first hand. Advise you ask? Ok here is some .....He IS a puker. Expect vomit...and lots of it. He WILL puke. There is no maybe about it....You wankers have all been warned.

Meanwhile I met up with PeterNZ last night in NYC and just got home a couple hours ago. He was so hung over from Friday night that he didn't drink anythig the entire time I as there. This of course cut into my drunken foolishness as it is more fun to be slobbering drunk when someone else is too. I still had an excellent time and it was sobering to meet Peter (get it). I did have several times where I was a bit shaken by the events of Sept. 11th...the smell..the sight of half knocked out buildings (**)...was very disturbing but Peter helped to keep the spirits up....enough about that...Has Peng puked yet?

[Mark IV]

For once, I actually wish I was in Minneapolice. The harmonic convergence of the Old Ones there could turn the entire universe as we know it into puke. I may call the Art Bell Show to see what they make of it.

Deeply into house-painting and other unspeakable chores now, painting pods on the wall and then rolling them out with glee. Just opened me plain old blended scotch for the evening, but it sounds like you lot are having way more fun.

Probably about time to pass around the loaded pistols for a bit of show and tell, what?

Cheers to Peng, Berli, Seanachai, and I guess Shandorf... and a nice blight upon you all. Figures the only one among you with any class (Moriarty) isn't among you....

[Hanns]

Feh, bloody Hell, damn the bollocks and charge man abreast with the pudding. I'm trapped at work while the sodden Olde Ones seem to be more inebriated than normal. I'd offer my services of

83z) guide and interpreter

x14B) valet, purveyor of alcohol/women (or even better women with alcohol in them)

~sd3) knower of late night eats and grubbage locales

G/|\1) target for insults and abuse (that is until the liquid courage wears off and they realize I'm bigger than they are and really am evil )

and lastly

CM:BO) for a few games of the tie that binds us (no, not that tie you gits, Combat Mission. Get your minds out of the gutter and into the sewer where they belong)

Unfortunately I'm stuck at work until midnight. If the Olde Ones have a constitution for such late night pursuits (and it's not past their bedtimes) I offer food (Litte Tijuana's is open till 0230), alcohol (from my personnal stash: 1 case Glüeks bier, 1 bottle Russian vodka, 1 bottle Jägermeister and other assorted vitriolic liquors. I can also contact my buddy who works at a liquor store if needed) and if those damned Scando-land city forefathers weren't so tight-lederhosened a night on the town (feh, bars close at midnight on Sunday, bah). If thou are willing I will endeavor to meet thee at a arranged location. If thou wish to contact me look up my last name (available in my email address) cross referenced with my full name (Johannes, Hanns for short 'natch). Give me a ring and it'll forward to my cellphone (Qworst rocks dude!)

Hanns

[offtaskagain]

The gathering of the old fools was most likely the cause of the rather impressive fire raging in sight of my house. It seems Berli has caused a gas main or some such thing to explode.

[edited to make you scroll that much more]

[ 10-21-2001: Message edited by: panzerwerfer42 ]

[Mace]

Question:

Did Peng hurl or not?

Mace

PS inane question asked to stop the MBT falling to second page

[BFCElvis]

Mace ya git....It is not a question of IF Peng layed out an offering to the porcelain god. The questions is, at what time (the over/under is 11pm...I bet the under)

[Berlichtingen]

Feh! Its morning... surprizing lack of hangover... must mean I am dead. I don't see Peng's corpse, so I assume Seanachai and Shandorf have already buried it out back. More later when my brain kicks in

[Hakko Ichiu]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

Feh! Its morning... surprizing lack of hangover... must mean I am dead. I don't see Peng's corpse, so I assume Seanachai and Shandorf have already buried it out back. More later when my brain kicks in<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Now for what really happened:

An urban hell-hole in an arctic post-apocalyptic landscape (surely you mean Seanachai's house? - ed.). Detritus lies scattered randomly: empty bottles, cold-pizza, cigar butts, and something that's vaguely greenish-brown but we don't want to examine too closely. A khaki-clad figure with an atrocious Ozzie accent approaches from the rear (sit down Bauhaus!)

The Peng Hunter: Somewhere in here is a wild Peng, Podus Hungoverensis Maximus. He loves to burrow under mounds of used liquor bottles and old copies of The Complete Works of Ian Hogg. Let's see if I can flush him out.

The greenish-brown thing moves slightly, dislodging an empty bottle of Old Horsetrough 16-week-old "Skotch Wiskey."

I think I've found him! Crikey, he's a real beaut. I'm going to try to catch him before he can sneak away.

The Peng Hunter leaps on the greenish-brown lump and wrestles with it briefly, pinning it to the ground. He brushes away the accumulated layers of scum to reveal an adult male Peng.

Aww, check this out! See this beard-like growth around his face? He can store food in here for up to a week! And look at his fingers. With them, he can grab a bottle of liquor, remove the screw top, drain it and puke it up faster than you can blink. Now, let's see if I can pry his mouth open. Come on gorgeous. Look at these teeth. They're not venomous, but see how green they are? One bite and it's off to the hospital for you with a nasty, suppurating infection.

Now, I want to show you something fascinating about his genitalia.

As The Peng Hunter attempts to do this, the Peng becomes enraged, exudes a noisome, greasy substance and escapes from the Peng Hunter's grasp. The Peng bites The Peng Hunter on wrist, drawing blood.

Arrgh, he bit me. Naughty, naughty Peng! Well, I'd better get to the doc faster than a dingo on crank, or this thing will turn septic. Looks like our little friend is running back into his natural, wild habitat, which is where he really belongs. So long, gorgeous. Arrrrrrgh!!!!!!

Mrs. Peng Hunter: While Mace gets air-lifted back to the Minneapolis Center for Rampantly Infectious Diseases, now's a good time to remind all of you at home that Pengs are wild animals. You should avoid them if at all possible. We're trained professionals, but most of you would just curl up in fits of nausea at the sight of one in the wild. So be safe, have fun, and stay tuned for next week's edition of The Peng Hunter!

Cue stupid Ozzie-style theme music. Roll mind-numbigly atrocious Ozzie-inspired credits. Fade mercifully to black.

The producers of The Peng Hunter have made every effort to assure that no Pengs were harmed in the making of the show.

(Edited because it annoys those of a Teutonic bent, not to mention bent Teutonics)

[ 10-22-2001: Message edited by: Hakko Ichiu ]

[jshandorf]

Well... Berli, while you were passed out on the couch [Peng and I left. Basically we got tired of listening to your labored wheezing breaths and left for better surroundings. Unfortunately Seanchai lives there so he was trapped. The poor bastard.

No, Peng and I had a drink at his Hotel bar and watched the Yankees save their sorry asses from a loss in the 8th inning. Bunch of fricken primo donnas those Yankees are... Grrr... I left him there shortly afterwards and no, Evils he had not puked as of yet and if I knew about this tendency I would have stuffed him in my trunk for the trip to the Hotel.

All in all the gathering was grand and fun. Many laughs we to be had and I snapped many evil pictures of Peng doing the most odd things to trees and empty cracker boxes. It's Berli camera so beg him for the pictures. I don't need them since they will be burned into my brain to torture me for all eternity *shudder*

Oh, and BTW cheers to Seanchai allowing us to trash his house, burn and consume his charred flesh, and generally for putting up with us. Good man he is...

Jeff

[-Havermeyer-]

Ahh... a Peng Challenge thread I can appreciate. Very well done you scumsucking, pantaloon wearing, french war hero impersonators.

Carry on.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>So long, gorgeous. Arrrrrrgh!!!!!! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Oh come on Hakko Ichiu ... not even The Peng Hunter could find THAT revolting specimen "gorgeous"! While it's true that he (The Peng Hunter) is absolutely wild about conservation, even HE would admit that there are SOME examples of that species we'd all be better off without.

Oh ... and I understand that SOME of them ARE venomous, the one we've got spits bile and venom all the time. Mind you it's of a pretty benign variety, usually it just results in mildly elevated tempers and a side to side shaking of the head. It's not usually necessary to get anti-venom, though getting the venom itself is a piece of cake since the Peng will lunge for anything that looks like a glass and immediately bite down on it. Mind he DOES get a tad cranky when he realizes it's empty but a shapely lab assistant is usually sufficient to distract him long enough to get him back into his cage.

By the way, it's obvious why The Peng Hunter did this one solo ... having his wife (or indeed ANY female ... of most species, the The Peng isn't particular) anywhere near The Peng is NOT recommended.

I'd like to thank Hakko Ichiu for bringing up this fascinating subject. I think we dwell too much on CM and taunting and so forth and it's good to get into natural history for a change of pace. Now if we could just arrange for a change of Mace.

Joe

[MrPeng]

My recollections of the past 24 hours are dim. some time during the night at the Bard's I broke a tooth. Yes really I did. I have got to find a dentist around here who will take my crappy insurance. I am late to my conference, the "official" reason for my trip to this horrid, frightening place, and find that I am only able to remain upright for brief periods of time before a wave of nausea rumbles through me.

No, I didn't puke. Yet. I am at the point where a nice chunder would probably be the best thing for me to do, but I am thinking of having a go at some sleep instead. Barfing is one of the most hated activities one can persue, and I would like to avoid it if at all possible.

Seanachai is truly a prince among swine for allowing us to become so impossibly drunk and withstanding the amount of abuse sent his way. I do not have the sense to stop pouring liquor down my gullet when I should, and after Shaggy left me at my hotel I CONTINUED TO DRINK. I do not know what I had. I think it was a martini or two. I also think that I may have been asked to leave the bar. Or not. I may have also begun to flirt with the waitress. This may or may not be why I was asked to leave the bar or not. I don't really know. I DO know that I should have handlers of some sort when in public, as, again, I have absolutely no sense of propriety when so fully polluted with demon alcohol.

I had forgotten about our quest for Vietnamese food, really the only food that matters, and I am not sure what I did with a cracker box. I have some faint understanding of being in a tree, but will require the photos that were taken to have a full appreciation of the Pod that is Peng in his unnatural habitat.

I am by nature an atheist, but right now I am praying to whatever gods there may be to please please please take this horrible sickness away from my battered tummy. Please?

Peng

[CMplayer]

Well I don't give a whit about your drunken riot. 'Old ones' my orse. It's silly that's what it is, them prattlin on like a bunch of teenagers. Who hasn't been drunk? Who hasn't puked. Who wants to hear about the same old antics one more time? Nobody. The only thing I care about is handing Slappy's ass to him and listening to him whine the while. His only redeeming quality is that he uses his heavy arty with a terrorist's eye for shock effect. You never know where it will be landing next, so you don't dare move anything. Clever. I've guessed its calibre and am counting impacts to know xactly how much ammo he's got left. 1,2,3...it drives the wife crazy, but it's better than watching Voyager reruns.

In other news, there's a nice little match going with Fairbairn Sykes Trench Knife. That is a man who sends a mean turn accompanying note. I hope he looked in on the little gathering up there in Minnie, just so he could see for himself the pathetic utter worthlessness of the Peng Thread oldies. Still, as he put it, my trusty FJ/Gebirgs cocktail put an end to two of his Brit Glider platoons in as many minutes, and I kept the momentum up to take the primary, central objective all in the first wave. I was kind of hoping to lose, but it doesn't look like I'll be so lucky.

Lars just doesn't know when to quit, so I hope to have time to get all his prisoners into a building and then set it on fire with a FT.

Pampers Needer no longer deserves bolding, as he's just one of those wusses who escapes from losing games by never sending files.

And so then there's Jo Xia. Berli sent us about the stupidest most unbalanced scenario I ever saw. It was one of those where the designer gets delusions of grandeur and locks half squads out of C&C all over the place to simulate something he saw on Discovery channel (or HBO in this case, I suspect) But we're playing it out anyway because tracers look nice at night.

TTFN kiddies, and please don't bother looking both ways when you cross those Minneapolis streets.

[Lars]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Seanachai:

Peng and Berli are now shouting (yes, they've returned, and are not currently under arrest) that Lars is a miserable pillock. He never showed up here today. We called him many, many times, and he never replied.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Well, Seanachai, when you said 11:00 A.M., I thought you actually meant 11:00 A.M. So there I was, standing on your doorstep, 16 cans of Guiness and a bottle of booze, and where were you?

I’ll tell you where, not effing home, that’s where.

I waited around a half hour, said the hell with it and drove home. Booted up the computer to get a little CM fix and found Peng and Berli playing with your connection. Told them to go off line so I could give you a call. Now I don’t know how drunk they were by one o’clock, but apparently they were too drunk to actually pick up the phone! At that point I decided it was too nice of a day to drive all the way back into the city so I went out on the boat instead. The day wasn’t a total loss as I drank all the Guiness.

Now, any interest in meeting Hanns down at Gluek’s on Wednesday?

[Stuka]

Toddle on over to the 'Stukas over Disneyland' thread gents and pledge your support for the "Bring Stuka/Mace to the US, telethon"

We already have a Pvt Ryan with 10,000 Delta frequent flyer points donated so its only another 9.95 gazillion more and voila, your favourite cesspool chums will be haunting your country in time for christmas.

Off you go gents, dig deep.

[Mace]

However, cash donations also accepted with glee, as are bottles of your finest alcohol, young 18 year old college girls, jewelry, and any spare bars of gold you may have lying around!

Mace

[Lars]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>

Originally posted by CMplayer in a futile attempt to shorten my (or his) pain:

Lars, I will graciously accept your surrender any time in our Blood Hamster Match.

And,

Lars just doesn't know when to quit, so I hope to have time to get all his prisoners into a building and then set it on fire with a FT.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I told you before, just wait until you hit my line of conscripts. They are P.O.’d to be drafted into the Heer and are ready to take it out on some dumb Canucks. The green troops you have captured you are welcome to herd into a building and set alight. Good luck getting a blaze going, they are green, or did I point that out already? And could you shell my platoon on your right flank a little more, they aren’t quite running fast enough to suit me.