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The Once and Whenever Lurker #23: For the Record, I am a 25 Cent Mod Whore

The_Capt
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The_Capt Senior Member

The_Capt

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Posted

Well it is that time again. (Intro Music)

Announcer: Brought to you by the Yamagootchi Industrial Coporation..it's the CM Forum Lurker Rant..(applause and polite cheers)

Announcer: Here is your host and very funny guy...a man once thrown out of one of the finest hotels in Hong Kong for demanding rat balls...The_Capt! (laughter and cheers)

(Skippy intro music and The_Capt jogs out on stage)

The_Capt: Thank you. Thank you. Hey folks it is great to be here tonight. I just flew in from Vancouver and boy are my arms tired. (Drum beat and huge chorus of laughter).

The_Capt: (Holding up hand to quiet the crowd) No seriously, I was on my way to the studio when I saw a chicken on the side of the road. I asked him why he doesn't cross and he say "Whenever I do people make fun of me"..(Drums and guitar music..gails of laughter bordering on the insane)

The_Capt: Please, please..no seriously...(laughter increases to an insane and uncomfortable level)...hey people...I am trying to do a show here..(pan to audience..red faces contorted in laughter, eyes bulging and teeth exposed in painful grins..)...HEY Shut the Hell up!! (even greater peals of laughter..beginning to sound like screams. Pan to audience..first head explodes, then second and soon whole audience. Blood spatters stage.)

(Silence)

So then I woke up. PIPPU was smoking one of those foul Europian cigarettes and looking out the window. The light through the haze reminded me of Hell.

"Zee night demons encore mon Colonel?"

"Yes PIPPU". I said reaching for the bottle on the side of the bed.

"Good thing they cannot swim eh?" PIPPU says with a smile. "Was it zee one with zee Naked CM again?"

I can smell the faint scent of camel hair in his cigarette. I guess you can take the Legionnaire from Africa but.... "No, then I would be reaching for my pistol."

"Mon Deui. Thank God for small mercy..eh?" PIPPU replies.

"I zink your little Himmler wants to take a walk..no?"

Insubordinate little bastard, I guess one trip into the dogs stomach wasn't enough...I'll take care of him later..

Well let's get to the meat of it shall we.

I was patrolling the CM Forum and between the pre-teen gushing over CMBB which by the way will save our mortal souls and bring 1000yrs of peace. CMBB shall crush the Serpents head while bruising it's heel...etc

And CMBB will finally be so good that it will attract the up until now non-exsistent 19-25 yr old "females who wear fuzzy sweaters" demographic. Ensuring that all of us poor nerds have an actual girl to talk to about CM with at long last.

Tourney's (as those of us "in the know" call em) are sprouting up everywhere. Good fun and Treeburst has to do the math.

Maximus returned to the board in the guise of Starfleet Captain (cool handle if there ever was one :rolleyes: ) and is currently being baked and basted at 350, until a golden brown. He will be served at the General Forum Freakers BBQ being held daily at 4:12 pm.

Then I noticed a post by a young lad who had the open gall to post un-modded CM screen shots. The screaming was horrendous. Poor CM'ers wailing as the Neon Nightmare was once again allowed to see daylight. Like sulphuric acid in the eyes followed by a kidney stone was the experience. The golf courses with gray boxes..I am still recovering.

It was then I knew that I must relay my own story so that this sort of thing will not ever happen again. So that we can all be spared the horrors of The Lost Years when we looked upon naked CM as beauty and joy....oh how far we have grown.

A long time ago, I was a young and idealistic lad. Wargames to me were hexagon affairs. Little 2-D counters trundling on a beehive background. I wasted many hours playing the greats..Computer Ambush, Mech Brigade, Gary Grisby's Gettysburg and USAAF. Then in the 90s I grew into Steel Panthers I thru III and other turn based classics.

Then one day I saw Close Combat. I was walking thru the mall when lo and behold there it was on the shelf of a software store. I could see the sweaty guy behind the counter eyeing me in the reflection of the plastic but Close Combat was something new..Real Time.

I knew wargaming was going to change forever then and there. No longer would the classic turnbased rule the day. Bland graphics were out as well. Wargaming was entering the age of modern gaming.

I played the whole series.

I thought I had achieved the "living end". Then one day CM wandered into my life. I was hooked immediately. I began to go thru all of the stages of the CM player. Newbie, Scientist, Historian and Lost Cause.

My game got better, I fought Fionn to a draw, though we had argued violently. We always do during a game and love making..but that is another story.

I began to know the tricks of the trade and use them. I was beginning to master the game.

BUT, up until then I had been playing the Naked CM. Yes, it is true and I will admit it. I played Naked CM (sometimes Naked CM, naked and that is really sick) for nearly 2 yrs.

I knew it was wrong but it felt sooo good. Plus I had an old computer unable to handle the "mods" as the cool crowd refers to them. I felt dirty and told no one.

Then one day "someone" "accidently" poured a rum and coke onto the old computer. After much yelling, nagging and whining we got a new computer.

This one had flames on the side and was "ROCKIN!"

So I decided to "expirement" with a grass mod. It is true, I can attest, it is a gateway drug.

I knew Naked CM looked like a bumpy pool table with stains (whiskey here, vomit there, urine over there) with little cutout trees but up until then I had never thought about it.

The the great grassfest began. I started with one and some tree mods. To be frank, it did not go well. I looked like I was playing on a military truck tarp with pools of lava where the trees used to be.

I began to frequent CMHQ and check out the mod threads. Soon I became like a crack-whore. I put on black stockings for Tom. I wore a push-up bra for Andrew and shaved my back for Marcus. It was sad.

I needed every vehicle in every season. Then I found sound mods. How can one little MG sound make the game so different?!

Mods began to eat up my life. I would spend hours hunting for the perfect Panther Mod..

"Honey?!"

"Yes Dear"

"You wanna mess around"

"Uh..not tonight"

"Is it the medication?"

"No..sob..my Panther G is too goddamn pink!!"

I was out of control. I even went to the Peng thread to try and forget. I was almost thrown out in a drunken rage.

I think I hit rock bottom when I exposed myself and spanked my bottom with a ping-pong paddle on a webcam for Madmatt, forced to scream "I am a bad poster! I am a bad poster!"..all for a cheap winter-MG Carrier mod...I was finished.

Then one day I looked up and told myself "Capt, your CM is beautiful. Why? Because it is yours."

I admitted my problem and got some help. It has been a long road.

Yes, I am The_Capt and I am a recovering Modaholic..

I am ok now. I avoid new mod threads and try to stick to amateur gay porn (it is the fresh faces that make it great) when not playing CM or on the forum. I started drinking more and am thinking about heroine. Once I would have been concerned by they are all harmless fun compared to where I have been.

I'll be fine.

Plus I heard CMBB won't be mod-able...what?..bull****!!..oh crap.

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Doug Beman Senior Member

Doug Beman

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Posted
Originally posted by The_Capt:

I think I hit rock bottom when I exposed myself and spanked my bottom with a ping-pong paddle on a webcam for Madmatt, forced to scream "I am a bad poster! I am a bad poster!"..all for a cheap winter-MG Carrier mod...I was finished.

At least you weren't forced to scream "I am a Slack Ass Posterboy! I am a Slack Ass Posterboy!"

DjB

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Splinty Senior Member

Splinty

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Pssst, hey Capt. Over here, no over here. Yeah that's it, around the corner in the alley. I've got something for you, Andrew's German Uniforms V.2.0, I guarantee it's what you need man. The most kick-ass mod you've ever seen. C'mon you know you want it. :D

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Lawyer Senior Member

Lawyer

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Posted

I always enjoy The Capt's monologues as fine examples of what happens when a person stores his Moosehead and kerosene in the same containers. As Tommy says, "sickness shall surely take the mind where minds don't ordinarily go..."

However, I'm posting here to say "hooray" for the return of PIPPU. He has always been my favorite, and I was sad when The Capt rather casually tossed him aside in earlier episodes. Pure jealousy on the The Capt's part, I believe.

The Capt apparently deludes himself occasionally into thinking we care about what HE thinks and does, rather than what PIPPU is up to. That's incorrect. PIPPU is "Dogbert" to The Capt's "Dilbert". As such, he is far more entertaining and the real star of the show.

If The Capt were smart (or put more kerosene in his beer), he would write a series of adventures based on PIPPU's experiences. Sort of a cross between Indiana Jones, Casablanca, Saving Private Ryan, and Austin Powers. He could put the dissipated Tom Clancy franchise out of business in no time.

[ July 27, 2002, 09:24 AM: Message edited by: Lawyer ]

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mchlstrt Senior Member

mchlstrt

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Er, i don't know if this is 'enableing' or somesuch, but did you find a Winter Carrier? Not that I really care. But if you did it might be interesting. Uhm, not that I NEED it. I mean, I don't REALLY care. Not TOO much. Uhhh, errr....

Strt

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Determinant Senior Member

Determinant

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When, oh when, for all love will The_Capt receive his syndicated column from BTS? There should be a button saying 'The_Capt' up above right alongside the tank pushing the giant orange space-hopper up the hill.

'Good my lord, will you see the players are well bestowed? Do you hear, let them be well used; for they are the abstracts and brief chronicles of the time: after your death you were better have a bad epitah than their ill report while you live. ' Hamlet II. 2. 1.

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