A Thousand Points of Peng, A Kindler, More Gentler Cess

[Slapdragon]

Originally posted by chrisl:

I like to play at night in the fog (sit DOWN, Bauhaus!! not like that!) but you'll have to taunt me good if you want me to play. I'll play either side.

Chris!

I avoid taunting you because you are from Passadena, which is sort of like making fun of someone in a wheel chair or who has no nose -- like fish in a barrel. But here it goes:

You sir, are a lowly varlet, a subatomic partical of no particular importance. You play like a bashful lepton, your armor has the distinct quality of a tubercular meson, and your infantry can be found in time or space but not both. I propose we meet on the field of battle, I play US, you play Germans, 2000 point meeting engangement near a heavily wooded village in the rugged hills of western France sometime in the very early months of 1945. I propse we leave the flame throwers home, and that we leave paratroopers and the like with their den mothers. I propose no limits on armor, except I will not choose crocodiles, and you likewise stay away from your flame producers. Otherwise no limits not restrained by personal opinions on gameyness, or lack there off.

If this is acceptable to you, I will send the set up anon.

[Slapdragon]

Originally posted by PeterNZer:

I'll play your night game.

Send me the conditions and the setup file quickly now.

PeterNZ

Same conditions PeterNZ -- both of you I shall take on.

[mensch]

Originally posted by Croda:

On a good note, I shall celebrate Mensch's birthday not by accepting his cease-fire plea, but by slaughtering every last tank crew on the board. He has 2 Tigers (1 immobilized) and 1 routed infantry squad to protect them. I have a slightly battered company of Infantry + support, and have a bloodthirst like no other that has just come over me.

you jerking peckerhead.. how dare you celebrate my birthday..oh those troops.. come and get them monkey boy.

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www.derkessel.com Home of „Die Sturmgruppe“; Scenario Design Group for Combat Mission.

[chrisl]

Originally posted by Slapdragon:

Blah blah

I give it about a 3 out of 10, but it's a start.

I propse we leave the flame throwers home, and that we leave paratroopers and the like with their den mothers.

I suppose that means I have to leave the fusiliers home, too. rats. Sure, I'll do it with just SMGs and bayonets. Send me the file.

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"If you can taste the difference between caviar on a cracker and ketchup on a Kit-Kat while blindfolded, you have not had enough aquavit to be ready for lutefisk." (stolen from some web page about lutefisk)

[Croda]

Originally posted by mensch:

you jerking peckerhead.. how dare you celebrate my birthday..oh those troops.. come and get them monkey boy.

Considering that what you have left on the battlefield can only be called "troops" by strictist daffynition, I shall surely press my attack. If you look closely, you will notice that I have enveloped you. You have no left flank. You have no right flank. You have 10 men cowering in a muddy ditch. You have 1 tank which cannot move anything but it's turret. You have 1 tank with 3 zooks trained on it and reverse as its best option. You are out of rickets. Your tanks will spend the rest of the battle buttoned, as I have several heavy weapons units trained on them. I have fresh troops about to enter the fray.

Alt-U's are now being accepted.

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WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! -

THIS SIG FILE BELONGS TO A COMPLETE FOO.

MR T WOULDN'T BE SO KIND AS TO WRINKLE AN EYEBROW AT THIS UNFORTUNATE BEING. PLEASE OFFER HIS PARENTS AND COHABITANTS ALL SYMPATHY POSSIBLE. MAY BE CONTAGIOUS. CONTAINS ARTIFICIAL SWEETNER, INTELLIGENCE AND WIT. STAND WELL CLEAR AND LIGHT WICK. BY ORDER PETERNZ

Damn Croda. That is one funny sig!!!

must suck to be you - Hiram Sedai

Croda, you rock! - Meeks

[mensch]

scroda you are so gullable.. you realy think those troops are routed.. they are just.. taking a schnitzel break, that tiger threw a track because that is part of my plan to lure you in! (genius no??) and that other tiger is happy to spew HE and MG fire to those gits which are hiding all over the place. That other Tiger was supposted to blow up to give your guys a false sence of security. as for my rickets.. well ya I am a litle disapointed they did not hit more of my guys!.. I have to talk to Gruppenfrüher whatshisname about that.

you still have not surrendered! do you have a slice of cheeze for brains!!!?? or do I have to spell it out to you U HAVE NO CHANCE USED TAMPON BRAIN.

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www.derkessel.com Home of „Die Sturmgruppe“; Scenario Design Group for Combat Mission.

[MrPeng]

LORAK!

I see that you have not recorded an asterix next to Berlichtinginisngdnsidn's name in the great book. While it was an extremely cheesey ,undeserved and hollow victory, it was a victory none the less. It is extremely improtant for my fragile ego that there be the mark of shame next to Berli's name. Please humiliate him now. My Record should also indicate an additional win.

You have also failed to place an asterix next to Capt. Foobar's name. he suffered a loss to me as well. I do not recall if my record indicates this or not.

Now on to other matters. At some point in the proceedings last night, my inner croda urged me to call my wife. I did so. I have only the dimmest of recollections regarding the conversation we had, however, I am almost certain I asked her to make make an appointment for Professor Dr. Hamster X to put our dalem down. If I can recall correctly, she made some obscene noises at me and told me never to talk to her when I am in "that condition" again.

Then I apparrently made some fairly ghastly mistakes in my current affair with the evil Elvis. It seems I managed to lose an entire platoon of overpriced ss hamsters, and the HTs they rode in on, by running them willy nilly into a hornet's nest of gum snapping amis who were only too happy to send the ubertroopen to timely and deservedly painful deaths.

It was shortly after that when I passed out on the downstairs couch, while hiram seems to have passed out on the upstairs couch. I do not know if there was any discussion regarding the sleeping arrangements, but my inner croda seems to think that my whiskey muscles might have been flexed and my mouth parts may have said some startlingly nasty things to our poor misfigured little troll-boy hiram. If so, he can kiss my hairy white butt because I meant every damn word of whatever I might have said.

I was only 2.5 hours late for work today.

Peng

PS I will once again fail to mention PawBroon in this post.

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"I hope a bucket of nails falls on your head..."

Hamsters/Meeks(!)

[This message has been edited by MrPeng (edited 01-29-2001).]

[Agua Perdido]

[Establishing shot: Space. A spaceship drifts against an overly-bright background that's obviously been cribbed from a false-color HST image. Caption: "Cesspool Sector"]

[Dissolve to: Bridge of spaceship. The CAPTAIN GUY confers with ENSIGN NYE (THE SCIENCE GUY)]

CG: Still no reponse from Chupacabra to our challenge?

EN(TSG): No, sir, he's just sitting there, uh, sucking.

[shot of toilet-whirlpool-like space vortex, sucking. Caption: "Chupacabra"]

CG: Not even a, "Piss off, you unfunny git, I won't play you"? Damn his cowardly eyes! Standing behind that aloof reproach like he's an Andrean or something....

EN(TSG): He might just be out for the weekend.

CG: Shut up! We need a new plan. Replay the transmission from the Seanachaites.

[A hooded SEANACHAI appears on the viewscreen.]

S: Single Knight Male seeks "Squire" to "polish" my "lance," and provide "sheath" for my "sword." Clothing optional, bring lubricant. No freaks.

CG: Why does the GermanBoy5000 keep putting those quotation marks in the translation?

EN(TSG): MadMatt has been patrolling Cesspool Sector, sir, requiring them to be elliptical in describing their, uh, appetites--Captain! Incoming transmission from Bauhaus!

CG: Open a channel and signal "sit down--he said, 'appetites,' not 'catamites.'" Then, plot a course for the Grandiloquent Cluster--maybe we can pick a fight with that Canuck-loving gasbag.

[Fade to black]

[Commercial]

Agua Perdido

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Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

[stevetherat]

Folks, volks and croaks

Obviously, my presence here has been slack of late, and I'm not saying that it won't continue for the rest of this week, but consider yourselves a blessed minority that command my attention, even if it is for about five minutes.

A few social comments before I get to the meat of my message.

• There seems to be a large legal representation loitering within the Thread. Is this considered good for general moral, or is it custom to inflict self-administered leech attention on oneself?

• I have chosen this platform to declare war on Kitty's Hamster Youth army. Shortly, I will conduct interviews with my Army Chicks™®© and post them on my site, along with full colour nude photographs of the chicks in various military poses. Address to follow in due time.

• I should, either right now or very shortly, have my deity-like mugshot on Lorak's photo page. This is to enable you all to know who the fellow is that attacks you, full frontal, with my PIAT (projector, incendiary anti-Threader).

OK, some updates:

Windpansy: As you may have followed, W has in his possession a rather substantial crossroads. He has defended it with approximately 5 metric tonnes of barbed wire, a few very determined Womens Institute combatants, a gun and one or two support weapons. Not a single mine field, I add. Well, none that I have come across anyway.

Turn 1: While I move into position, the basket killed, without provocation, two, TWO I say, of my Jeeps!

Turn 2: I counter by destroying the Marder III he has converted into a burger van. I also, to get the message across, pop his two wooden bunkers. He then brings his medieval catapults into action and sets a field on fire. The field approximately 500 metres to my left. I would call that spot on for turn of the millennium machinery. The first millennium that is.

Turn 3: I am delighted when his WI defenders come out to greet me with what I presume is hot tea and buttered scones. I am fooled. From under their dungarees they pull rifles and machine guns. I suffer minor casualties in, what I call, bad sportsmanship. My letter of complaint is winging its way to the authorities as we speak.

Turn 4: A very dramatic turn this. First 'Big W' unsheaths a rather nasty gun from his prize cauliflower patch and proceed to engluf my halftracks in balls of flame. I was purposefully avoiding this delicately scented area as I knew the deep personal value W attributed to these floral masterpieces. The depths to which this fellow reaches astounds me. Then, oh yes, there's more, he sneaks round a few Sturmge****z IIIG busses to infiltrate my flank! And you'll never guess what – he has chaps crawling all over them too! A black ball is most definately in order with this bloke if he continues playing his dirty game.

Turn 5: In a tit-for-tat exchange with one of his Sturmgeishers and one of my Greyhounds (damn spritely dogs those), we knock each other out almost simultaeneously. He still harrasses me at the crossroads but I'm filtering though. I shall make damn sure I capture that tea urn in good order 'cause I'm not budging 'till I get a good cuppa.

Chubbychops: About to start opening moves in this one. However, I don't think either of us will last very long. He has found it wise to supply a map completely devoid of any cover at all. About one square kilometre of open parkland and three houses. Either he has all his 'troops' in the air, or under ground because they definately 'ain't on it!

Crobar: Ah yes. One of my little beauties here. A tiny 300 pointer. Just made the first move and not a sign of the chap yet. I'm coming over the brow of a hill into the picturesque valley he calls home.

Marlon: A fog filled dip in the ground is where I hang my hat in this game. I let my clockwork computer pick the forces and have discovered, much too late, that it might not have been the wisest of decisions. I will not divulge my forces, but let me tell you this. I couldn't even defend myself against a handful of recycled toilet paper.

OK, that's it for me. Tally Ho!

stevetherat

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by Geier:

What I would really like to know is if it's gamey to play CM? I would also like to know exactly what I can do and can't do because I've heard that there are things you can do that are gamey. I think doing gamey things is bad and you really shouldn't do them...

ROFL! Thanks for the good laugh!

[Speedy]

Originally posted by OGSF:

"Alas poor Yorick; I knew him, Horatio ~"

At as mah pleasure tae announce a topplement, an' an mah favour too!

Lorak ye knuckle-dragging keeper o' tha Tome, mark at as follows:

OGSF - WIN

Speedy - LOSS

At were a Major Victory, 82 - 18, an' which Ah played as tha German's in Rune's excellent scenario - "Monty Advances". Nae too far as at turned oot.

Aye, at's good tae be me!

SirMacOberGruppenBloodyStompinSicFeuhrerBastardABCD

Alas poor Lorak it is true.

That gamey bastard OGSF defeated me, of course it was in that totally unbalanced, pool table scenario 'Monty Advances', you know the one created by that gamey mongrel Rune. Also there is the fact that those bloody drongos at BTS have completely failed to model British troops at there full historical strength, this is proven by the fact that my only 2 losses to OGSF were when I had British troops, dammit BTS fix this or do somefink!!

On a totally different note, Lorak let be known throughout the pool that I Speedy the Great have defeated jdmorses in mortal combat. My glorious hamstertruppen totally routed jd's cowardly American troops.

It's all true, really. Don't believe anything he says, he is a lawyer afterall.

In other games:

Maces' mother is worried about the traffic and won't let him come out to play.

Marlow has realised he has no chance and has thus let his real life intrude in order to delay the final crushing blow.

Roborat is losing vehicles left, right and centre.

that is all for now.

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Work is the curse of the drinking class.

I have nothing else to say. Ya, quote that you rat bastards.

-Meeks

[Slapdragon]

mensch you bastard -- here is your serious grog answer:

Uranium, with an atomic weight of 235 is used in science, munitions, and as aircraft counterweights, including in commercial aircraft such as the DC-10. When used as a tank penetrator, according to Dunnigan (from Dunnigan, J, and Bay, A., From Shield to Storm, William Morrow and Co., Inc. Publishers, 1992: 285-286.) it will penetrate about twice the thickness of armor that a tungsten round will, with a much longer and flatter flight patch due to increased sectional density, and much better flight characteristics than a tungsten round which develop a slight wobble at the greatest distance. US M1 tankers and A10 pilots who used this ammo in the Gulf war, were it was first used, called it "plinking" because the 120mm version of the round was observed penetrating both sides of a T72 causing a catastrophic explosion as the hypervelocity missile actually ignited aluminum and had pieces of itself shred during the passage. Tanks so treated have not yet had known survivors since the kinetic energy otten causes the interior air of the tank to burst into a plasma as the round passes through.

When a depleted uranium round impacts a target, up to 70% of the round burns up, causing radioactive and chemically toxic dust to be scattered in and around the target. This dust is minorly radioactive, but is about as poisonous as lead. To date no tank crew person has survived a DU hit so it is not know what the effects of this round would be, but so far there is no evidence that Gulf War or Kosovo syndrome are related to this, as a person would have to litterally lick the tank clean for many many months to develop Luekemia based on our current understanding. A French and a Birist study found no causality between casual contact with a K-Killed tank and any illness. Gulf War syndrome has been linked to a number of causes, but so far not to DU shells.

Deplected uranion comes from nuc power plants. During uranium enrichment, a small amount of the highly radioactive U- 235 isotope is extracted from uranium ore for use in nuclear weapons and reactors. The ‘depleted' uranium which remains is the stuff that turns into uber shells.

While all NATO countries have stocks of DU rounds, only the US and possibly Britian have used them in combat. I should note that with DU shells, since they often cause air to turn into a plasma when they strike a target, have considerably more destructive power even though they penetrate just twice as much armor as a T round. Think of it like shooting a big hole in the tank, then igniting the caloric potential of the air in the tank and all the flesh, aluminum, leather, and anything else with an ignition point of less than 5000 degrees all at once. Determining if a crew person was in the tank is usually done by checking for the presence or absence of calcium carbonate on tank surfaces, the end product of burning teeth.

In no known case has a DU shell successfully penetrated a DU rounds have never been tested on a Assaultboatenpanzerwaffeluftfliegersshiessenauflakaurkommandofloatenthingen

Steve

[egad, needed editing!]

[This message has been edited by Slapdragon (edited 01-30-2001).]

[Mace]

Originally posted by stevetherat:

I have chosen this platform to declare war on Kitty's Hamster Youth army. Shortly, I will conduct interviews with my Army Chicks™®©

Hummph!

Yeh! Right! As if!

Your unterchicks have no hope against the uberhamsters.

Besides, as Kitty's self-elected almost-knight in shining armour, they'd have to get pass me first!

Can you say "Deep-fried chicken"?

Mace

[jd]

Originally posted by Speedy:

Lorak let be known throughout the pool that I Speedy the Great have defeated jdmorses in mortal combat. My glorious hamstertruppen totally routed jd's cowardly American troops.

It's all true, really. Don't believe anything he says, he is a lawyer afterall

DAMN IT ALL SPEEDY.....there has to be a bug, whatever it is FIX IT BTS or somefink! Neither Speedy or I distinguished ourselves on this one. BUTTTTTTTTT and here comes the disclaimers !! Two VL's, the major one I hold for all turns. I have 1 1/2 platoons parked on top of the bloody VL, surronded by another platoon. The minor VL speedy rousts me out of in the turn before the last, yet he can't hold it and the game ends with me having a HQ only a meter or so away. I inflict more causalities and more KIA's on him. So who wins? He does the Auzzie git! A minor victory, a draw snatched from my grasp! Yes he pulled a Seanachai on me.

SO how did he manage this. Why by driving a tank within 30 meters and rushing squads. Of the two squads who ran to the major VL , one was sent packing and the other hit the dirt and was being killed by my assorted troops when time ran.

Arrgh. I hate this! I demand that the rules be changed. A recount! Obviously a major bug flaw!!

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If frogs had uzi's, snakes woudn't mess with them so much. - Hiram

[Guest Germanboy]

Originally posted by Slapdragon:

Yada yada Grog stuff

Wuuuuhhh - yikes. I feel all dirty, such words in these hallowed halls.

In other news. JD has obviously accepted that he has no clue how to beat me and refuses to return his impending doom to me. Did we not always know that lawyers bark but don't bite (for fear of being sued, I am sure).

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Andreas

Der Kessel

Home of „Die Sturmgruppe“; Scenario Design Group for Combat Mission.

[Slapdragon]

Originally posted by Germanboy:

Wuuuuhhh - yikes. I feel all dirty, such words in these hallowed halls.

You feek dirty using words in these hallowed halls? Try communicating only using obscene gestures and the motions that can be made with a feather sticking out of your ass. Not sure how you would get it on the thread though...

[BFCElvis]

Peng you bastard. My mind is clouded from the beer and bourbon last night. At least Hiram had the decency to get drunk quitely.

Speaking of Hiram...Lorak mark me down for another victory. Hiram surrendered in our PBEM game after we switched to Hotseat last night. He had plenty of infantry left but his tanks were destroyed so quickly and effiently that it was scary.

There was a digital group photo taken of myself, Peng and Hiram last night when we were still pretty much sober. If you would like another picture for you photo albim, Lorak I will send it along to you. If not then I will post it in here. I would just hate it if you replaced the Peng picture on your site..it is a classic.

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"When they finally put you in the ground..I'll stand on your grave and tramp the dirt down" Elvis Costello

[jd]

Noticed some new photos.......

Mace: Hmmm can Donny Osmond be far behind.

Geier: So THAT's what happened to John Elway after he retired.

Lawyer: Jake? That's you? You look.....like....a......(gulp) politician. Being a lawyer is bad enough, but that! Now I truly fear for our Republic!

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If frogs had uzi's, snakes woudn't mess with them so much. - Hiram

[stevetherat]

Originally posted by Mace:

Hummph!

Yeh! Right! As if!

Your unterchicks have no hope against the uberhamsters.

Besides, as Kitty's self-elected almost-knight in shining armour, they'd have to get pass me first!

Can you say "Deep-fried chicken"?

Mace

I suggest you make your funeral arrangements. I am lead to believe Walnut is particularly tasteful this season for coffins. Brass fittings would add a rather elegant touch.

stevetherat

[Lawyer]

That's my Power Picture, jd. All Washington lawyers have one to impress the folks back home. You don't have to vote for me, but could you please send me a large financial contribution in case I decide to run?

Notice the abundant white.. errr... SILVER, yes, silver stuff on top of my head. That's called HAIR. Just thought you'd like to remember.

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Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

[Lorak]

umm, busy week at home for the old Lorak.

So If I owe anyone turns, and our setups, I will get those out this evening when I get home.

Busy day in the Tome...lets get started.

New Pictures up:

Lawyer, Bauhaus, Jshandorf, Mace, Stevetherat

Games:

Peng-win /Goanna-loss

PeterNZ-2wins /Hiram-2loses

Elvis-win / germanboy-loss

Peng-win / Berli-loss

Babra-draw / Bastables-draw

Elvis-win / Hiram-loss

Stuka-win / Croda-loss

OGSF-win / Speedy-loss

Speedy-win / Jdmorse-loss

Now For a little Squire/Knight news...

I want to welcome Stuka into the Halls of Knighthood and give a nice "well Done" for his victory over the Croda.

Now Over the weekend I have been giving the Squires a little thought. We all know that being a knight in the pool has nothing to do with playing ability. I also noticed that a lot of the people that are very active in the pool.. both with games and with posting are regulated to squire status. We also know that the wannabe then squire section was originaly started as a place to put people until it was decided they would stay and continue to be produtive members of our society.

So... I have decided that from this day forward. Squires will be squires until they have proven the are here for good. Test are pretty simple really.

1) They have to be active in the thread.

2) Must complete 5 games with other pool members.

I think that by reaching both those goals we have pretty much weeded the lone posters in the night out.

With that being said. The following people have proven themselves worthy of becoming full members of the pool.

Stuka

Mace

Croda

Bastables

Speedy

Jshandorf

PeterNZ

Kitty

Though you disagree whether or not they are all useless gits... They have at least proven that they are here posting and playing.

Now..New Squire postings.

StevetheRat

Wildman

Lawyer

Lorak the loathed

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"Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking."--William Butler Yeats

Cesspool

Combatmissionclub

Lorak's FTX

and for Kitty's sake

=^..^=

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Slapdragon:

mensch you bastard -- here is your serious grog answer:

Steve

Good God, Mensch, did you ask a question like that here? It better have been on the main Board, or I'll slap the ****e out of you, so I will. What a horror to suddenly encounter while I perused the general gibberish.

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Tremble, tyrants and you perfidious opprobrium of all the parties,

Tremblez! your parricidal projects finally will receive their prices!

But these sanguinary despots, But these accomplices of Berli,

All these tigers which, without pity, Bauhaus the centre of their mother!

We will enter the career When our elder is not there any more,

We will find there their dust And the trace of their virtues

[This message has been edited by Seanachai (edited 01-29-2001).]

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Lorak:

Now Over the weekend I have been giving the Squires a little thought. We all know that being a knight in the pool has nothing to do with playing ability. I also noticed that a lot of the people that are very active in the pool.. both with games and with posting are regulated to squire status. We also know that the wannabe then squire section was originaly started as a place to put people until it was decided they would stay and continue to be produtive members of our society.

So... I have decided that from this day forward. Squires will be squires until they have proven the are here for good. Test are pretty simple really.

1) They have to be active in the thread.

2) Must complete 5 games with other pool members.

I think that by reaching both those goals we have pretty much weeded the lone posters in the night out.

Lorak the loathed

Lorak, this approach shows such general good sense and is so acceptable that I can only conclude it has no business here. However, I readily embrace it, and rush to congratulate and fling trash at all the new Knights, and the new Squires may content themselves knowing I've spat on the top of each of their heads. As the Lorak has written, so shall it be done.

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Tremble, tyrants and you perfidious opprobrium of all the parties,

Tremblez! your parricidal projects finally will receive their prices!

But these sanguinary despots, But these accomplices of Berli,

All these tigers which, without pity, Bauhaus the centre of their mother!

We will enter the career When our elder is not there any more,

We will find there their dust And the trace of their virtues

[Slapdragon]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

Good God, Mensch, did you ask a question like that here? It better have been on the main Board, or I'll slap the ****e out of you, so I will. What a horror to suddenly encounter while I perused the general gibberish.

Nope -- he was bitching that no one would answer him, so I just posted were he hangs out.

Besides, I thought is was sufficiently lurid and disgusting for the cesspool.

[jd]

Misc scrappings...... Germanputz, when I can muster enough brain cells to care, I shall send your turn back. Same to that jsfdork.

Jake....I liked the hair, really did. Wasn't that the Blue light Special in Men's Toupee Daily? Or was it Hair Club for Men.

Lorak (whose name I NEVER play with - causes fuzzy palms I hear) I believe Chucky666 might fall under the newbie postings. While he hasn't been seen of late, he is playing a game or two. So Chuckles, if you wish to be considered for further games I suggest you post your desires here so that we may ridicule and debase you.....otherwise shunning and banishment shall be your doom.

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If frogs had uzi's, snakes woudn't mess with them so much. - Hiram