Gain Power & Domination with Mojo Peng Challenge Gris-Gris

[Boo Radley]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by cool breeze:

Nidan1, I want to blow you up and shoot.

Sam

Dumb screenname. I mean, seriously dumb. Tedious, even. But everything else is there. His/Her/It's profile is the sort of thing to make Joe wring his hands in joy, while singing, shuffling and picking watermelon seeds out of his ears.

And who could argue with the sentiment?

Nidan, as an Olde One half in the bag on a Sunday evening, I command you (man, it makes me titter like a school girl to do that whole 'basso, commando, suffer not my wrath' sort of thing), to give this creature a game.

Or let it blow you up and shoot you.

It's all one to me. </font>

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Boo Radley:

But the sentence doesn't make any sense. I mean, even less sense than the usual posting by this lot.

It makes even less sense than most of the posts you find on the outre board.

I mean, it's almost like what you'd expect if Konrad and Bluesteel had a love child and it was brought up by an Australian.

Oh, yes, yes, Boo. It's important for those of us who can speak, write and, in every way, use English well to make a point of it.

Unlike the Australians, who are still trying not to dance from foot to foot and clap whenever they figure out what an actual adjective or verb is, as opposed to the various 'made-up' terms that supply so much of their attempts at language.

And I'd be the first to admit that this 'cool breeze' creature, besides sounding like a title from a fecking Air Supply song, should definitely review its ability to use language.

I mean...'I want to blow you up and shoot?'

Well, clearly we're simply dealing with some Third World...

Hmm...

Actually, you're right. Either this fecker needs to go back and learn English all over again (under the auspices of someone who can actually speak and write it), or he needs to get some serious sexual counseling.

I mean, this is Nidan! The guy looks like The Corps invented a hammer to use to pound silly people to death.

[Seanachai]

Nidan, despite the Thread's ongoing 'Outreach Program' to people of other nations (gods, how I hate foreigners!), and in the interest of fairness to everybody (explain to me again why I can't have people killed who simply fail to amuse me...), I no longer require you to play a game against the Creature Currently Known as 'cool breeze'.

If you choose to do so, that's great.

If you won't play a game against It, that's fine.

But I can't help but notice that it's been ages since you told me I look less drunk in this light.

Admit it. You think these posts make me look more drunk!

[MrPeng]

I am here, in the fabled land of South Dakota, not far from the original home of that Literary Titan, Laura Ingalls Wilder, whose ripping yarns of a little house on the prairie have inspired scores of young girls to smile insipidly, and relate trite tales of how special it was to live in a one room ****e-hole in the harshest possible conditions as if they could possibly have been "the good old days."

OK, that was kind of harsh. She had to be one hell of a tough kid to live through this horrific cold in those conditions. Crikey, I walk out of the sports bar after gorging myself on an "Inferno Burger" (burger with jalapeno jack cheese, jalapeno ranch schmeer, pickled jalapenos and bacon) and protest that my facial hair instantly freezes with my first exhalation. So, you know how long I would last out here. Not long.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but FLYING SUCKS. I used to love to get on an airplane, but now the whole process just makes me want fashion Molotov cocktails out of expensive yet reduced price liquor from the duty free shops and start tossing them at random passers by. I was tasked by an unmentionable insufferable swine with fixing the current "security" situation. It is quite simple. Arm everyone. Issue weapons at the gate. "I'm sorry sir, we can't allow you to board without a nice Remington somethingorother and a quick lesson in it's use." It will take just as long as it does now, and might put a bounce in the step of some of the cretins they hire to run the concessions. Instead of surly a "yeah?" from the underedumacated little wench behind the Starbucks counter a chirpy "Yes sir! How can I please you this morning sir!?" will issue from her pierced lips.

It really can't be any worse than the utter fuster cluck confusion the bald apes at O'hairball generate. Holy goddam mother of christ on a poxed whore but they are the dimmest, most moronic and demented feckwits of all the feckwits I have ever had the displeasure to observe at "work." And I'm not talking about the proles manning the humiliation barrier. That little obstacle isn't anything too terrible at my little Scranton port. No, one gets a cheery "good morning!" and a "have a nice trip!" Sure, one is still subjected to the wanding, the shoes-off pantomime and the 3-1-1 clear plastic quart bag charade, but the gnomes in charge at the Scranton port don't resemble, in form or action, the screws upstate at Waymart.

So, the weather - yes, we have weather in NEPA too, I had to drive through a minor blizzard to get to the air station - yeah, you got it, the thing already is starting badly, the blizzard requires that the wings on our CLJ200 be de-iced, and re-deiced with a different, mo better de-icer before we can take off. I think some extra de-icer got into the works, because on arrival, an hour and 10 minutes late at O'Hairball, We are told that our connecting flight to Sioux Falls will be delayed due to a "maintenance problem." Turns out the plane I was on was the one marked for the next leg of the journey. Turns out it was some sort of on-board computer thingy that needed replacing.

So I got to sit at Gate F1a for a couple of hours and watch the ground staff bugger up the next three boardings - first they started sending the Sioux Falls people out, and then brought them back because the "maintenance problem" had yet to be corrected. Then they sent a plane load of rubes out to the tarmac thinking they were about to board a plane for Green Bay when there was, in fact, no plane onto which they could board. So they got sent back in. Then A third group was called up, Peoria I think it was made to wait in line for 5 minutes and then told to go sit down again. Sioux falls was called again, and again told to go sit down. At this point people began to get cranky, but, oddly enough it cheered me up. I thought that for all of my faults, and how badly I screw up at work at times, I've never even come close to the complete boneheaded incompetence of the scatter brained ground staff of United Express at O'Hairball. If you happen to know anyone who works there, please, congratulate them for me.

I get to do it all over again in two weeks too. Yay.

[MrPeng]

Elvis! You have missed an opportunity to wax poetical about our long term love affair with Wild Turkey Manhattans.

And you bastards, that picture of me with the Rocket J Squirrel hat, the bud and the little glass with a brownish liquid? That would be your Wild Turkey 101 in it. That is pretty much the only hard liquor we drank back then. And for one reason.

[Michael Emrys]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

And I'd be the first to admit that this 'cool breeze' creature, besides sounding like a title from a fecking Air Supply song, should definitely review its ability to use language.

I mean...'I want to blow you up and shoot?'

Well, clearly we're simply dealing with some Third World...

You may be overlooking the possibility that this is some newly mutated form of San Jose drug argot. I've been to San Jose, and I tell you it's a weird place. For one thing, my brother lives there and I haven't heard from him in 16 years. I fear he may have been fatally attacked and eaten by sewer alligators.

Michael

[Stuka]

Originally posted by MrPeng:

general rant snipperood in the interests of brevity

it's enough to make a man turn to drink...again.

I like the proposal to arm all passengers, however I'd go a step further and provide alcohol to all to boot. Nothing better to ensure compliant airline staff than armed drunken passengers....

[Stuka]

Originally posted by Nidan1:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by cool breeze:

Nidan1, I want to blow you up and shoot.

Sam

Have you invented some sort of new death ray? </font>

[Seanachai]

Peng has a fine post above this, which I shall read when I am in a position of quiet contemplation. His posts always make me feel better, while filling me with anger.

Until then, I shall post a brief 'Tale of Small Emma, Smaller Nora, and the Old Man Who Came To Guard Them'.

So, last night was the culmination of 3 years of being called 'Grandma Steve'.

I got to babysit.

Yeah, you heard me right. I got to babysit. This was 'The Real Thing'.

Not like the time I took care of them while their Dad drove their Mom to emergency to deal with the fact that she had food poisoning. That involved a huge amount of throwing up.

This time, everything was on the up and up. Small Emma knew I was coming over to babysit on Saturday, and Smaller Nora probably knew it too, but she's a little lunatic, and just on the verge of sentience, so it's hard to tell what she registers.

And Small Emma, I'm told, had been anticipating it all week. "Mommy, is it tonight that Grandma Steve is coming over to take care of us?!".

"No, sweetheart. That is Saturday night, when Daddy and I take Uncle John out to dinner for his birthday."

"Oh!"

When I got there, Saturday night, everything was in motion. The two Small Friends were already in their pajamas. Their Dad was dressed to the nines in a suit with a great tie (yeah, Chris, I liked that tie, it looked cool. I wish I could look good in evening dress...). Their Mom was upstairs making herself pretty, and the Mom of Small Emma and Smaller Nora is a very beautiful woman (if sometimes a little short of temper; especially with aging idiots...).

So, Small Emma runs up to me, and she:

TELLS ME THINGS

She's getting really good at that. She tells me TONS of things, these days. She was at a Birthday Party for Isabelle. She bonked heads with Alex, but they were okay. And she tells me all this stuff in the strangest mix of voices. One is the voice of a little, piping voiced four year old, and the other is this weird not-yet-adult voice of a little girl who's watched too many movies and tv shows.

I mean, you haven't actually lived until you've seen a 4 year old blonde sprite lean forward, slap her thighs, and say 'Oh, but then Nora did the silliest thing!', in a voice and tone that would have put Katherine Hepburn to shame.

Goofy little bugger.

So, Mom and Dad went out to dinner. And Emma and I went up to 'The Third Story' (this is the finished half-attic that Emma seems to regard as Shangra-La, these days), to watch 'Cinderella II'.

I didn't known there was a sequel. But then, I don't otherwise have children. I figured it was about who got the mice in the divorce. But it turned out to be about Cinderella's early days in the castle, and being a princess.

It was pretty good, as these things go. The best was watching Emma watch it (It was new. They just got it that day). She'd only watched it once so far!

When her favourite parts came up, she'd do her weird 'Holy ****, that's great' thing. It's hard to describe. Her mouth goes to an 'oh', she shudders all over, and she does this 'hands downward, jazz hands' thing that just makes you want to dance.

She's a very silly little girl. She makes an old heart glad.

And when the movie was over (Mom and Dad were probably into the 'Broiled slices of duck with parsnip puree' course by then), Grandma Steve told her, 'Emma, I think it's time to brush your teeth and pick out your bedtime books'.

Oh, hell. I forgot to tell you the best part..

When I arrived, and was playing with her and her smaller sister, she took hold of my hand, and, very seriously, told me:

Grandma Steve, there's two things I have to remember tonight. One is, I have to listen to what you say about brushing my teeth, and when to go to bed, and how many stories. And the other is...I can't exactly remember. Just a second, I will think about it...

I never did find out what the other one was. She couldn't quite remember. It may have involved obeying everything I had to say if zombies attacked.

So, I told her, Emma, it's time to brush your teeth.

'No, Grandma Steve, wait! I think that we should watch just a tiny little bit of 'Annie' (another of her weird movies; you know the thing, the musical by that name, and a deeply disturbed piece of weirdness it is, too).

So we watched a bit of 'Annie'. She knew the exact point at which she'd last seen it on the car DVD several days ago. So, I asked her: Emma, when should we put the movie on pause, and tell stories for bed? Because we can't watch the whole thing, it's too late.

And she told me: When the doggies start barking.

So we watch the movie for a while. But it seems to me there's not a whole lot of dogs in this damn thing. So I ask her again:

'Emma, when should we stop the movie and get ready for bed?'

And she says, 'When the doggies start barking'.

So I ask her 'Which doggies, Emma?'

And she tells me 'Freya and Siguna'.

And my brain suddenly kicks in.

'Emma, those are YOUR dogs! They're not going to bark until Mommy and Daddy get home!

And the little bugger actually giggles!

Do you know how hard it is to be The Lord Master Babysitter, with the rights of High, Middle, and Low Justice, and yet, still, be a Minion?

So, we watched about another 15 minutes of 'Annie'. Then I pulled the plug. She didn't object, she was already looking sleepy.

But when we got downstairs (to the Second Story, which she calls the First Story), she went immediately into the bathroom, and pushed the door a bit closed behind her).

And then there was this weird silence, while I waited for her to either go to the bathroom, or start brushing her teeth.

And I said 'Emma, are you alright?'

And then I realized...she was crying. Little, jerky child sobs and sniffles. And I said "Emma, are you crying? Are you okay?!"

And then it was like the dam burst. She started to sob. Wrenching, gasping sobs, to break a heart of stone.

"I want Mommy! I wa...wa...want Mommy!"

So I pushed the door open, and gathered her up, and I sat on the toilet, sat her on my lap.

'Emma, Mommy will be home later. She will come in, and give you a kiss.'

Weeping, and sobbing.

I want Mommy!.

So I think, and then I tell her: 'Emma, should we call Mommy on the telephone?'

And the weeping stops, dying into sniffles. And she tells me: "Yes".

So, I pick her up, and carry her into her room, and put her on her bed. And I go get the cordless phone, and we dial it, and we call Mommy at the restaurant. Mommy, god's bless her, has a cell phone. Welcome to the 21st century.

I explain to Jen that Emma wants her to be at home. And Emma talks to her Mom for a bit, and her sniffles die away, she sits up straighter, and she's not so traumatized.

We hang up the phone, with Jen telling Emma 'Daddy and I are leaving now, we'll be home in just a little while. Will you be alright until then', with a sobbed 'Yes' as her answer.

At this point, it's about 9 PM.

At that point, Emma wipes her little nose, and looks around, and sees a weird 'comic book/graphic novel' that her Dad has bought for her (and people think I'm a goddamn pushover), and she tells me 'Oh, Grandma Steve! We have to read this! We are on chapter 3! This is a 'chapter book'. Oh, I have to show you this one thing, it is so funny...'

Her voice is animated, she's totally into it. She's totally over the whole 'where is my Mom' thing. I told her, 'Okay, Emma, we will read that, but I have to go get something to drink. I will be right back up.'

So, I went downstairs and got a bottle of this interesting, weird 'Chardonnay Non-alcoholic Pop' thing from the fridge, and called her Mom back. I told her Emma was fine, and there was no problems. Jen told me 'Are you sure, I was going to tell Chris we needed to leave'?

And I told her 'No, the little bugger is fine'.

Then I went upstairs, and we had a lot of fun reading the weird graphic novel her Dad had bought her. Then I read her another small story from a kid's book.

And then she turned over, swept up her covers, and said:

"Thank you, Grandma Steve! Could you please turn my light off?"

So I did. I sat downstairs trying to make the damn dogs be quiet until her Mom and Dad came home, a little after midnight.

I think I did okay. I've got a return gig. On Sunday, the 24th, I get to do it again.

It was a pretty good night.

[Stuka]

If we can't find you a wife Seanachai, I think you should adopt.

Malawi seems to be the hot ticket these days.

[Speedy]

Originally posted by Noba:

And it's redbacks in the dunny, not bull ants.

Noba.

What is the SA cricket team doing in your dunny?

[Boo Radley]

Originally posted by MrPeng:

Elvis! You have missed an opportunity to wax poetical about our long term love affair with Wild Turkey Manhattans.

And you bastards, that picture of me with the Rocket J Squirrel hat, the bud and the little glass with a brownish liquid? That would be your Wild Turkey 101 in it. That is pretty much the only hard liquor we drank back then. And for one reason.

And that reason would be...?

[Speedy]

Originally posted by Nidan1:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by cool breeze:

Nidan1, I want to blow you up and shoot.

Sam

Have you invented some sort of new death ray? </font>

[Nidan1]

Originally posted by Speedy:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Nidan1:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by cool breeze:

Nidan1, I want to blow you up and shoot.

Sam

Have you invented some sort of new death ray? </font>

[MrPeng]

Originally posted by Boo Radley:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by MrPeng:

Elvis! You have missed an opportunity to wax poetical about our long term love affair with Wild Turkey Manhattans.

And you bastards, that picture of me with the Rocket J Squirrel hat, the bud and the little glass with a brownish liquid? That would be your Wild Turkey 101 in it. That is pretty much the only hard liquor we drank back then. And for one reason.

And that reason would be...? </font>

[Boo Radley]

Originally posted by MrPeng:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Boo Radley:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by MrPeng:

Elvis! You have missed an opportunity to wax poetical about our long term love affair with Wild Turkey Manhattans.

And you bastards, that picture of me with the Rocket J Squirrel hat, the bud and the little glass with a brownish liquid? That would be your Wild Turkey 101 in it. That is pretty much the only hard liquor we drank back then. And for one reason.

And that reason would be...? </font>

[Nidan1]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

Nidan, despite the Thread's ongoing 'Outreach Program' to people of other nations (gods, how I hate foreigners!), and in the interest of fairness to everybody (explain to me again why I can't have people killed who simply fail to amuse me...), I no longer require you to play a game against the Creature Currently Known as 'cool breeze'.

If you choose to do so, that's great.

If you won't play a game against It, that's fine.

But I can't help but notice that it's been ages since you told me I look less drunk in this light.

Admit it. You think these posts make me look more drunk!

To be honest with you Story Teller, I did not think that it was making a feeble attempt to challenge me to a game...I think it really wants to "blow me up".....and shoot. I poked a bit of fun at it in a thread a few weeks ago, and maybe it is still mad at me.

However in the interest of good will...if it is looking for a battle...I'll lose to anyone, I don't care.

You are one of those fellows who fits the phrase..."I didn't know he was a drinker, until I saw him sober"

[ February 11, 2008, 11:38 AM: Message edited by: Nidan1 ]

[rleete]

Originally posted by Seanachai

And my brain suddenly kicks in.

Anyone else think this completely spoils the whole "true story" theme? Might have well just typed, "and then Batman came in the room" or somefink.

Originally posted by Seanachai

And the little bugger actually giggles!

But this part is absolutely believable. Does anyone doubt that a toddler can put one over on the Gnome?

[Michael Emrys]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

Peng has a fine post above this, which I shall read when I am in a position of quiet contemplation. His posts always make me feel better...

You read Peng while sitting on the toilet? Well, that makes a certain amount of sense, I suppose.

I wish I could look good in evening dress...

A coffin would be very becoming. As long as it was closed.

Michael

[mike_the_wino]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

Good. You're not dead, Mike the Wino.

I wondered. Briefly.

Awwww, you noticed. <blushes>.

No, not dead just living in Hopland with no TV, no internet access and the only soul for a mile in any given direction....lest you count the lonely security guard tasked to keep the 150 acre parcel safe from thieves. Nearest town, Hopland, is a thriving metropolis of 817 ruddy folk. For all of that I might as well be dead.

Thanks for caring.

[Boo Radley]

Speaking of wine, I was at the grocery store this evening, buying groceries as luck would have it, when I happened to wander past the wine section.

There I saw a label that read, Ecco Domini, and while my Latin is very rusty, I'm fairly sure it translates to, "Behold God".

I thought to myself, "OK... how much do I need to drink?"

[dalem]

Originally posted by rleete:

But this part is absolutely believable. Does anyone doubt that a toddler can put one over on the Gnome?

Not at all. My dog Sam often trots away victorious after battles of wits against Seanachai.

-dale

[Mace]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

They'll continue to be a wonderful comedy sketch involving people with wildly rolling eyeballs and drunken smirks talking too loudly about how there's bull ants in the dunny, and the esky's empty

Shows how much you know!

An empty esky would be a tragedy and thus better suited for Aussie drama rather than comedy.

[Michael Emrys]

Originally posted by mike_the_wino:

No, not dead just living in Hopland with no TV, no internet access and the only soul for a mile in any given direction....lest you count the lonely security guard tasked to keep the 150 acre parcel safe from thieves. Nearest town, Hopland, is a thriving metropolis of 817 ruddy folk. For all of that I might as well be dead.

So how much longer to go on your sentence? And if you don't have internet access, how is it you are posting here? Carrier pigeons?

Michael

[Patch]

I just thought of a new hit reality show.....The Grandma Steve Show.