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[Leeo]

Geez,

24 hours of this thread dead and still steaming, and we're over 83% of the way to the next turning of the wheel. It would almost be enough to make an MBT host proud, if it were not for the fact that the vast majority of said posts were unmitigated crap.

[Guest Mike]

There's way too much scatalogical content and not nearly enough scatthyness either!!

I blame Mustard Peeker for mis-spelling faces - he gave it his best shot but dinny realise that he's all wiped out.

Gawd wot a load of ****e this is!

[OGSF]

Originally posted by Leeo:

... if it were not for the fact that the vast majority of said posts were unmitigated crap.

Ye kin shut ye yammerin' pie-hole as waill, ye gimpy laigged melon sniffer. Gi' back ain ye basket. O' course, ye widnae bae referrin' tae anythun posted bah tha bonnie lads o' Clan OGSF noo wid ye? Och, Athkackla as a bit 50/50, boot generally tha lads hae shone.

Af'n ye waitin' fer a stankin' turrn fraim mae, ye kin climb a feckin' tree an' wait....some bastaarrd put a W32/Klez.h@mm virus ain mah wee computer an' tha blasted thangs haid tha Croda's all evenin'. Ah figure anoother day tae see at right.

Ah'm pleased tae see Roxy as still wi' us, an' as bonnie a lass as Fair Emma tae boot.

Tae a gamey oopdate, speakin' o' "gamey", wha runs fifteen armoured cars wi' bazooka teams tae tha back o' tha map, mixes Churchills wi' Shermans (noo feckin' Fireflies - Shermans) an' selaicts green US troops tae attack veteran Germans? Didnae knoo? Here's a clue..."Lawrence o' feckin' Arabia". Ah'm beatin' tha snot oot o' all opponents, wi' ainly tha Fat Boy wi' a Baseball Bat Goanna a possible ootage.

Hiram laddie. Ah hope all as as waill as at cud bae fer ye, an' tha were a lovely piece o' tauntin' tae tha bucket o' Croda.

Sae, Ah cam oot o' tha pub tae find a parkin' warden writin' a ticket. "Sod yoo, Jimmy!", Ah sae tae him. Hae finishes writin' tha ticket an' starts anoother wun fer "bald tires". "Yer a right fascist bastarrd!", Ah shooted. Hae finishes tha ticket, sticks at under tha wipers, an' starts anoother wun!! "Ye kin hae a Croda ain fall back ain at, mon!!", Ah said. An' soo at waint...twainty minutes o' mae abusin' tha bugger an' haim writin' tickets an' stickin' thaim under tha wiper blade. At noo bothered mae though, at widnae mah stankin' car.

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Panzer Leader:

I took too long to post and missed a completely pathetic, pompous, egotistical and disheartening (yet another) by none other than Mrspkr.

Stop poking at your brother Squire. Do I need to remind you that you are both members of House Bard?

I shall take a moment for a completely pointless, seniour-moment sort of aside.

Good Christ, Seanachai, what sort of statement have you made with your Squire choices?

First Hiram. He was such a dear little lad, all self-deprecation and head-hanging, mumbling desire to belong. It was such a joy watching him begin to taunt, and take pleasure in sneering at and belittling others! But it all went wrong, of course. He never showed me any proper respect, and has spent all these years suggesting to the world that I'm effeminate and conflicted in my orientation.

I don't know what went wrong, there. I mean, I spent almost no time with him, gave him no guidance, and left him in the backyard to play catch with a tennis ball against the wall of the patio, just like any good, hard-working, career oriented father would to a son. Certainly it was good enough for me and my father!

Oh, that one time, I did go out and try and play catch with him. But after a few tosses he took the throw right between the eyes, and told me he didn't want to play anymore. Said he wanted to lie down. Told me he and his friend Croda were thinking of taking a vacation place together, and maybe buying a cat.

I thought it was all very strange. Why would friends buy a cat together? And why are they always lending each other clothes, and bill caps? I didn't know kids that age still had sleep-overs, either.

Well, it was all a lesson to me. I vowed that in the future, I would not stand as a 'father figure' to my Squires. I would maintain that aura of mentor and commander more appropriate to what was, after all, a military order.

So then, I took to Squire MrSpkr. Oh, he wasn't my first choice, of course. I think Shaw had just snaffled Agua Perdido away from me, and someone else had snapped up Marlow. But because he was from Texas, and in training to be a lawyer, I was able to take MrSpkr to Squire without a lot of competition.

Remembering my mistakes with Hiram, and my decision to keep our relationship that of Knight Commander to Squire, I sent him to military school. I knew that it would teach him respect, self-reliance, and that, now, I would have a Squire who would make House Bard a power within the Peng Challenge Thread. We would be a team, unbeatable, and show Shaw and his lickspittle Squires what Knights and Squires could achieve!

He was, in all posts thereafter, abusive and belittling, constantly failed to support me in Cesspool punch-ups, and sneered at me unstintingly. When other Squires and Knights mocked and belittled me, when they called me 'senile', and made fun of my long-winded posts, MrSpkr got behind the abuse and pushed. He never even asked me for my blessing on his Knighthood. Simply stated he'd served his time, and moved on.

Another Squire had left me downcast, wondering where the dynasty was that I thought we would build together.

And then, there was...Panzer Leader. Oh, how I searched my soul over that one! How I wondered what to make of his loud and clueless posturings! What, I wondered, could be done with him? And then, seemingly, the question of Panzer Leader was solved. And with what drama! The French, Pawbroon himself, had taken the poor halfwit to Squire!

What an opportunity! What joy! What more could any Squire wish for, but to have as Lord Commander and Mentor the man for whom love was, in absence of other outlets, 'self-inflicted', who desired nothing more than a visit from 'the Scot of the North', who could, in the space of 3 short paragraphs of English that even Shakespeare was not capable of, evoke for us Cyrano de Bergerac, Rimbaud, and Hunter S. Thompson?

But, being Panzer Leader, this pinnacle of achievement, this moment of perfection, was brought to nothing. Pawbroon renounced him. Panzer Leader, brash, filled with foolishness and arrogance, committed the cardinal sin. He played the annoying fool regarding the Ladies of the Pool. No Frenchman will suffer an insult to a Lady of worth, and, like Cyrano himself, will remember to treat even the little madeliene selling oranges with respect and affection.

What else was left? Raised up to Squirehood under The French himself, then renounced and cast down as he so justly deserved, weeping, begging for another chance, and yet still maintaining the arrogant attitude that had brought about his downfall, Panzer Leader stood with his back to the door that led to the oblivion of Coventry.

But, in a room deep within Schloss Peng, an old, saddened man, who yet held out a spark of hope for the redemption of even fools, bestirred himself, and took Panzer Leader to Squire.

This time, no mistakes could be made. This time, to spare the rod was to spoil the very Thread itself. Because Panzer Leader, despite the almost universal hatred of all around him, despite his horrible failure in losing the favour of The French, despite the fact that I received daily emails calling for his actual, Real World dismemberment, with offers to pay for the plane tickets to Kansas to carry out the sentence from several parties; Panzer Leader insisted on posting as though he were buying rounds for the whole Thread.

The Boot was brought into play with a regularity that would have produced a letter writing campaign by Amnesty International (if it were anyone else than Mouse, of course). I used every means at my disposal to try and both bring him to heel, and to 'humanize' him in the eyes of the Thread.

It was I who named him 'Mouse', to humiliate him and overcome his almost sociopathic ego, and to present him to the Thread as harmless, and even 'funny'. It was I who beat him, sometimes hourly, until he showed at least the vestiges of duty and propriety. It was I, working feverishly behind the scenes, who finally raised him up to Knighthood.

And am I accorded any respect for taking this most thoroughly despised and awful of Squires, and yet garnering for him Knighthood? No. He mocks me, and not even particularly well. He willfuly insists on posting like a pillock every other day or so. He does not even acknowledge House Bard, and labours not to increase the honour of the very clan that allows him to post.

Now, of course, I've got R Leete. He's a good lad. Could be the one that finally makes it all worthwhile. He's shown some promise...I like that hard, crusty bread best, especially with sesame seeds...most of them have no respect...a jolly sing-song...a jolly, jolly sing-song, that's what pulls a family together...

Leaves Seniour-Moment

ROIGHT, YOU LOT OF USELESS GENETIC DAMAGE! LET'S SEE SOME SODDING RIGHTEOUS POSTING FOR A CHANGE, AND NOT SO MUCH WHINGING!

[Panzer Leader]

It's Missouri, dammit,MISSOURI!

Thank you, Sir, may I have another?

[Marlow]

Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Marlow:

Bad Berli. No e-mail, no replies. Not even for moron pool dippers.

Look pup, I remember when you were that clueless (some things never change) lad lost in the wasteland, so do NOT presume to instruct me in the ways of the Mutha Beautiful Thread</font>

[chrisl]

Originally posted by OGSF:

tha Fat Boy wi' a Baseball Bat

Now there's a great example of a meme that ought to be spread around the world, assuming it can be translated into anything understandable to any sort of human. It immediately brings to mind the frog in a bucket, despite however long it's been (it seems like years) since OGSFABCDmcNugget first used it.

To address the more mundane matters of the pool, someone ought to dig up a copy of Peng pre-pool anti-smiley post (yes, there was a time before the cesspool, and Peng existed even then) and make that little Focker write a paper on it, and get it published in the International Journal of People Who Wear Too Much Black and Still have Post-Modern Angst, Long After the Rest of Us at Least Started Pretending to have Lives. Only then ought he be let back in for long enough to be told to Sod off.

(edited to note that I managed to get post number 2^8)

(edited again to note that not only did I get #2^8 in this incarnation of the pool, but I also got post 2^7 a few minutes before in the silly Steve Jobs is conspiring to keep a small number of people from playing CMBB thread)

(and also to note that I'm easily amused)

[ August 15, 2002, 12:57 AM: Message edited by: chrisl ]

[Gaylord Focker]

Originally posted by MrSpkr:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Panzer Leader:

That was serious?? Are you serious??

This has always been the problem with you -- you completely lack any judgment in these matters. You remind one of the kids who piddle in teh neighborhood pool, then complain the water is too warm.

In short, you never "got it."

Seanachai tried, Berli help him, he tried. But you were too dense, too vacuous, too utterly freaking clueless to understand.

And so here we are -- you still stomping about with spittle on your chin, anonymously throwing a spoonful of mashed potatos across the cafeteria in defiance of something you do not even seem to comprehend.

If the Pool sunk to your level, boyo, it would die. There are some here, me among them, who do not wish for that to occur.

I understand this "something bigger than my ego" concept is probably too much for you, and fully expect you to grab your feces and fling them toward me, shouting "Ook ook!" all the while. I explain for the benefit of others.

Putz.

Steve</font>

[chrisl]

Originally posted by Gaylord Focker:

gibber

I give it a 2 out of 10, and only because he tried some large words. They were poorly used, frequently misspelled, and the sentence structure is weak.

For a next effort, try actually stringing the $0.20 words together with better flow and rhythm. The big words are inconsistent with the structure and the rest of the style.

[Guest Mike]

Originally posted by chrisl:

I give it a 2 out of 10, and only because he tried some large words.

More likely because that's as high as you can count.

[Papa Khann]

A point or two needs making.

SomeNachos and Pantless Leader, your attempts to assist Gayboy (not that there's anything wrong with that) FoolFokk are noble. I'll grant you that much. But just look at what's come of it!

As I read through his feeble attempt at a post, I kept telling myself, "You know, the lad could be feigning this huge gob of stupidity in an attempt to be humorous!" But alas, I can not bring myself to believe this lie. Apparently, this Fokker, as he calls himself, can barely think, much less compose an entertaining post. I've read obituaries that held my interest longer than this Fokker can. I'd be amazed to learn that he's capable of dressing or feeding himself, much less be able to learn how best to navigate the flows of the CessPool.

Fokker, we all know you're trying, but for your own sake, put some backbone into it, lad. The CessPool is not for the faint of heart, and weak swimmers are likely to go under and stay there (especially if some o' the Poolers manage to get a foot atop your head). If you must post, at least try to include a single morsel worthy of distracting the natives.

And another thing, SomeNachos, I've heard even you admit that your posts are, to put it politely, "a little bit longwinded". Which is of course like saying that Joe is "a little bit old", or Boo is "a little bit stupid". In other words, SomeNachos, cut us some slack, bro! Exercise your right to get to the freaking point, if you have one. Good gawd, man, I've passed kidney stones in less time than it takes to labor through your endless droning on, and with considerable less discomfort too.

Papa

[Roxy]

A Newbie Looks At Newbies

by

Roxanne, the comely peasant girl, rescued from her evil ways(mostly) by the honorable Knights of The One True Thread

or, as some would have it:

Boxy the Bovine, the Girl of Great Girth from the Isle of Guernsey (This is of course untrue, unless I really do eat that last gallon of ice cream)

Section Four

In this world of immediate gratification, the typical newbie seizes The Cup Of Peng with his filthy paws and gulps down the succulent nectar like it was a slop bucket full of Miller Lite.

When chastised for this sacrilege, the ignorant newbie says, "What, this is the peng thread, right? I thought we partied in here, and called each other 'dicks' just for fun. BTW, who's the babe?" Now begins a time of great tribulation for The Membership, which could be easily avoided for the most part IF the newbie would just read.

CHAPTER 7

Yes, newbies need to read. They then need to do a little reading, followed by a good dose of reading. If they do this, they will soon know just how much they DON'T know about The One True Thread. Awareness of ignorance is the first step to growth. This state of awareness will instill in the newbie the desire for more reading.

As the newbie continues to read, he will learn. As he learns, he will come to respect the history and traditions of The Cesspool. He will learn humility, and develop respect for The Justicar, The Olde Ones, and the senior Knights. He will know of Croda, Lorak, MarkIV, Mr. Peng, and many more.

He will learn of Kitty, Emma, and Persephone, and the place of honor bestowed upon all ladies brave enough to dwell in The Land. He will beg for the privilege of building finely crafted pedestals on which to gently place these jewels who bless The One True Thread with their presence.

He will learn the etiquette of The Taunt, and that losing is more important than winning (unless you win).

At this point the newbie would probably find himself elevated to Serf, and I MIGHT even let him take me out to dinner and a movie. I said, "MIGHT"; so don't get your hopes up. Besides, I'm a little infatuated with my lawyer right now.

So, if you are a newbie, and wish to participate; do yourself a big favor and read before you write. When you think you're ready to write, think better of it and do some more reading. When you do finally write, give it some thought first. Take it from me, a newbie, and a lady who is allowed to be kind to you; reading is your ticket to The One True Thread.

Preface, Glossary, Index, and Annexes 6b-127.4

Please don't get Mr Spkr riled up. I need him in court Friday, and he has to be sharp.

Now then, my heroes, how 'bout a little sing/song, or even a good barroom brawl. Wait...let me get on my pedestal first. There now, have at it.

[ August 15, 2002, 03:21 AM: Message edited by: Roxy ]

[Yeknodathon]

Originally posted by chrisl:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Gaylord Focker:

gibber

I give it a 2 out of 10, and only because he tried some large words. They were poorly used, frequently misspelled, and the sentence structure is weak.

For a next effort, try actually stringing the $0.20 words together with better flow and rhythm. The big words are inconsistent with the structure and the rest of the style.</font>

[dalem]

Originally posted by Yeknodathon:

Bloody impressive, I say. The detailed use of numeric information (NOTE: exact time to the very minute) suggests a confidence, a certain blasé stance towards the world yet this is delicately balanced with the declaration of an "edit" hinting at the fumbling, mistake-ridden farce of Gaylord's conscious existence. Bleedin' marvellous.

Reminds me of those creatures that escape the great oceans to scrabble up some anonymous, scorched beach on their inadequate flippers to announce "I AM HERE" amid the din and thrust of sea-gulls and the clawing ocean tide seeking to reclaim its own.

*sniff* of course, its a very short existence so not much time to show originality. Which is just as well.

Yeknod

Uhh, Yekkie, I almost think I understood that - is everything okay?

[Roxy]

Dalem,

I was thinking the same think about Donkey's post. Maybe he sobered up.

Chrisl,

Please, kind Sir, do grade my "Newbie" post above. A self taught peasant girl like me would really like to improve her writing skills. Pretty please?

[ August 15, 2002, 03:43 AM: Message edited by: Roxy ]

[Mace]

Originally posted by Poobear:

the official Peng Bunny!

(\_/)

(O.O)

(")(")

Bloody Vermin.

*BLAM*

(\_/)

(X.X - --- -- ---=>

(")(")

That dealt with them.

Mace

[ August 15, 2002, 04:24 AM: Message edited by: Mace ]

[Yeknodathon]

Originally posted by dalem:

Uhh, Yekkie, I almost think I understood that - is everything okay?

Of course the oceans throw up such creatures of majesty and beauty to share their gifts. Was not Venus herself born this way? Did not Honey emerge from the depths for Sean Connery to inspect her molluscs and firm limpets?

So I wade ashore among yer and suffer. Before me time, dalem: derided, shoved aside and forgotten. Well *sniff* I note yer attentions and I would feel better if it wasn't for the buzzing in me 'ead and constant pangs of hunger and torrent of insufferable Nobbits and unworthy miscreants at me gate.

Hermits, vagrants and wandering folk... *sniff* endearing in a shambling way... yer can book in for a dust bath any day.

Please spread the words that Yeknod's Emporium has received new stock and will commence trade... NO CREDIT.

Yeknod o' tha Thistle and Defender of the Paddock

[Mace]

Originally posted by Gaylord Focker:

Haha! Mace has a new friend now!

Oh hahahaha hehehehe

You're so funny! It must have taken you all week to think that one up.

Mace

[Mace]

Originally posted by Roxy:

Perhaps some skin tight leather is appropriate?

We'll, it did work for Kitty and then it worked very well for me.

*sighs after reminiscing*

Mace

[ August 15, 2002, 04:30 AM: Message edited by: Mace ]

[Mace]

Originally posted by Yeknodathon:

Please spread the words that Yeknod's Emporium has received new stock and will commence trade... NO CREDIT.

That's all very fine, but can I actually enquire as to the merchandise you're selling, ol' donkey pal.

Mace

[athkatla]

I thought I'd have a little sing-along for our newest Lady, Roxy. So what could be better than that famous song, "The Linconshire Poacher".

When I was a-bound apprentice in famous Lincolnshire

Full well I served my master for more than seven year

Till I took up with poaching, as you shall quickly hear; Oh, 'tis my delight on a shiny night in the season of the year.

As me and my companions were setting off a snare Twas there we see'd a gamekeeper - for him we did not care

For we can wrestle and fight my boys, and jump o'er everywhere

Oh, tis my delight on a shiny night in the season of the year.

As me and my companions were setting four or five And taking on him up again, we caught the hare alive

We caught the hare alive, my boys, and through the woods did steer:

Oh, tis my delight on a shiny night in the season of the year.

Bad luck to every Magistrate that lives in Lincolnshire

Sucess to every poacher that wants to sell a hare

Bad luck to every game keeper that will not sell his deer

Oh, tis my delight on a shiny night in the season of the year.

[ August 15, 2002, 04:42 AM: Message edited by: athkatla ]

[Yeknodathon]

Originally posted by Mace:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Yeknodathon:

Please spread the words that Yeknod's Emporium has received new stock and will commence trade... NO CREDIT.

That's all very fine, but can I actually enquire as to the merchandise you're selling, ol' donkey pal.

Mace</font>

[Roxy]

Squire Athkatla,

That was a beautiful sing/song lad; and you did it for me, too. How sweet you are. Your Knight should be very proud of you. Perhaps after he sobers up a bit.

Here now, help me off this pedestal. I must retire to my chambers. It's been a long day today. Do stop by again soon.

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

Mohammed has been sent to the Mountain.

A finer solution is not to be found

[athkatla]

Oh, indeed I will return dear Roxy cap in hand, fag in gob with another fine song with which to serenade you!(oops, forgot I stopped smoking 3 months ago).

On to more pressing business, I have to report that, yet again, that war mongering Swede, CMplayer has butchered all my finest troops and served them up to the butcher's dog! I did manage to improve my points, only losing by 80-20 but he seems to take great delight in smashing up all my AFV's. Oh well My Liege I battled hard, in the finest traditions of the house, but once again ended up listening to the Last Post with a tear in my eye.