Peng Challenge Thread - From Barbarous to Boring

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OGSF:

An' page two o' tha stankin' PBEM manual wid suggaist tha' after Ah saind tha file tae ye ain 8/17, an' ye didnae realize ye little world ha changed bah tha incremental addition o' wun noo file, tha Ah shud maintion at ain tha MBT. An' yoo thain gwin on aboot ye didnae see at. Tae mae, af'n ye didnae see tha rickets, at's cos ye didnae bother tae look at tha file Ah saint tae ye fourrr, th's reet, FOURRR, days agoo. Ah've saint at agin fer ye. Thus teem, widye noo open an' view at?

At's ainly mah respaict fer an "old wun" tha pauses mah urge tae call ye a "pillock".

Pillock.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I didn't understand a word of this, but it was signed Pillock, so I assume it was OGSF

[Joe Shaw]

I'd just like to post a note of apology to Berli for having forgotten the Edict of Berli Infallability. Those of us familiar with this edict (and what Right Thinking CessPooler isn't) are aware that Berli, particularly in his role of scenario designer, is infallible and is not to be questioned about his design. I forgot this Edict and hereby render a fullsome and abject apology.

The situation arose from a scenario which shall remain nameless ... for the time being. Suffice it to say that a vital element of my OOB was placed in a literally impossible position.

The unit was padlocked in one of a four element large building complex in which each element adjoined the others. The complex was placed right smack at the very edge of the map. When I attempted to move my unit I discovered that it COULDN'T move out of the building to an adjoining building because (I thought) the designer had neglected to place the appropriate exit sides correctly. Since the only way OUT of the building was to go off the map edge, thus eleminating the unit from play, I doubted that this was the solution to the problem. To further complicate the issue, the building was in such a location as to render it useless to anyone at any time.

MY mistake, see you, was to ask Berli about this unit, which was specifically mentioned in the briefing as having a necessary role. Berli quite rightly reminded me of the Edict of Berli Infallibility by quoting the relevant section of the briefing telling me that the unit was necessary.

Once again, I humble myself and ask permission to shoot my toe off to atone for my error.

Joe

[Berlichtingen]

Continuing the theme of Shaw Is An Idiot, we have a new chapter. Herein, we find that Shaw the Idiot, who has been playing CM for some time now, has yet to realize that one need not have LOS in order to target TRPs. Although I am Infallible, perhaps I should have included a disclaimer to Idiots explaining some of the game basics.

So, Joe, do you have any further questions? Perhaps you need instructions on how to move your troops?

[dalem]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

Although I am Infallible, perhaps I should have included a disclaimer to Idiots explaining some of the game basics.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Well, O Ye of the Flaming Red Drop-Drawers, You may be infallible, but one of your scenarios sure don't fall under that description.

So Mote It Be.

[Panzer Leader]

Don't mind Dalem he is just upset at the sound thwacking a meek little squire is giving him. He will be back in a moment with his tail slung betwixt his haunches.

[Goanna]

Berli you gotta forgive Pshaw. He's spending too much time sitting around the house in his shorts (and apparently sucking on the dummy pipe) when he should be beating the bushes looking for gainful capitalist servitude.

Point in case: he thinks he actually has a chance of defeating me although he, on turn 29 of 30, doesn't even know which side he is commanding. The experience is nearly as surreal and bizarre as a first game against Peng himself.

[jd]

Paw Have you sufficiently recovered from your drunk to resume? Seems your server is insisting that your "mailbox is full" probably with your vomit and bodily fluids. Pour some coffee into you and shake it off

[Panzer Leader]

Let it be written in the tome of Mighty Deeds that Dalem has fallen this night on the field of battle. His well-equipped and well-fed soldiers lacked the heart to take what they came for. My hungry troops, on the other hand, beat them back with the rifles of their grandfathers.

Lorak! Scribe thusly:

Herr Panzer Leader: Total victory, with 87 Iron Crosses handed out.

Dalem the boob: not much, really.

And so ends my ninth game as a squire, and my fifth victory. Ahh, the glory is mine.

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

Herein, we find that Shaw the Idiot, who has been playing CM for some time now, has yet to realize that one need not have LOS in order to target TRPs.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Joe, you were SERIOUS about that? I thought you were just clowning around wasting time before you began dropping the arty indiscriminately amongst my French poodles.

Thanks! I needed a good laugh today.

BTW, considering the description you gave -- where the heck do you think MY FO is, dolt? Now fire your artillery and lets tear up a French town, shall we?

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>So, Joe, do you have any further questions? Perhaps you need instructions on how to move your troops?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Excuse me? What do I need to do, I apologized most profusely for doubting you DID I NOT? I apologized IN PUBLIC DID I NOT? I offered to shoot off a toe in atonement DID I NOT? I don't know what your problem is pal but I hereby cancel my apology just because of you attitude. AND FURTHERMORE, I will LOSE our current game ON PURPOSE AS A PROTEST AGAINST YOUR HIGH HANDED MANNER. I'll teach you I will.

Joe

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Joe, you were SERIOUS about that? I thought you were just clowning around wasting time before you began dropping the arty indiscriminately amongst my French poodles.

Thanks! I needed a good laugh today.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I'm SO glad I was able to amuse you then ... jerk.

[serious]I had NO idea. I honestly thought that an FO had to have LOS to a TRP but that the TRP gave more rapid and accurate fire. I SURE wish I HAD known, I've wasted a bunch of TRPs in games because I couldn't get a good LOS to the area I wanted to target. I still don't fully understand the logic behind the rule but what the hell. I guess that proves that you can always learn something, I've been playing this game since the Beta Demo days and just didn't know, wow.[/serious]

Now kindly pass the fried okra ... and wipe that smile off your face pardner, or I'll do it for you.

Joe

[Mark IV]

The logic could and should be written 8 inches high across your back window backwards so you can read it in your bloody rear-view mirror: The guns are already zeroed on a TRP. That's the "registration" bit. The FO just tells 'em when to hit it, makes sure the smoke is coming from the right area, and then brews up some coffee and kicks back.

[Juardis]

Damn Joe, I had zingers all lined up and everything and then you went and put [serious]stuff[/serious] in here. Bad form old chap. Takes all the fun out of calling you an idiot.

[Stixx]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Once again, I humble myself and ask permission to shoot my toe off to atone for my error.

Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Permission granted but there are rules for such things. Well only 1 rule actually.

You must shoot it off with nothing smaller in calibre than 150mm.

[Goanna]

No it doesn't.

Joe you are an idiot. See, I feel better already.

Mind you, you are our idiot and we would defend you against the onslaught of outerboarders.

Me thinks that this little nugget of knowledge could result in a whole new era of wins for commander Joe

[PawBroon]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jd:

Paw Have you sufficiently recovered from your drunk to resume? Seems your server is insisting that your "mailbox is full" probably with your vomit and bodily fluids. Pour some coffee into you and shake it off<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'm still in Bordeaux with the family.

What part of OFF FOR 3 WEEKS got the best over you?

As for the mailbox thing, best bet is that Gordon and Marco spammed me with MODs.

Their upcomming release is a bt huge and since I can't log to check my mails, it has reached is upper limit.

Me saying it again, me away, me being 600Km off my CM CD, me back somewhere next week.

Be seeing you...

[Darn!]

[ 08-22-2001: Message edited by: PawBroon ]

[MrSpkr]

And now, a grand, spankin' new edition of

Updates!:

Dalem is clinically dead, but some form of machinery appears to be keeping his ear and stomach battalion alive. My men have become so bored they are targeting the abandoned hulls of what used to be his armored legion.

Joe has just learned you can target off-board artillery without a line of sight. Next week, he might discover that the 'Fast' command makes your infantry run; it does not mean they eat fewer rations.

chrisl is disappointed because my überhordes have not run screaming into his weapons. LIttle does he know my assault force is nothing more than a nine year old boy and a three legged dachsund.

Lawyer is still missing - I suspect he has broken some Eurolaw about deceny and morals. I hope they flog him.

Berli owes me a turn. I whacked about three of his guys -- my reward is one turn sent in the last 13 days. Go figure.

Speedbump is scheduled to be tried for war crimes -- his men are running so fast my well-fed, cigarette smokin' Canucks are dropping left and right with heart and lung problems. If he runs away any faster, the sonic boom will knock out my monitor.

jshandorf has mauled my infantry, but lost about half hi men in the process. Now I have three tanks, and they are having fun turning his Ami paratroops into small crunchy bits.

Wildman still hasn't finished this one off, the cruel bastiche. A bullet through the skull is traditional when your shooters have screwed up the kill, you twit.

leeo killed another of my tanks, but the infantry brawl we are in shows no signs of ending. This is the most confusing, out of control scenario I have played in a while. Thanks Berli - my ulcer wasn't getting enough exercise.

Marlow's counterattack has stalled out - his infantry are jsut too battered to do anything worthwhile. He may close the score gap, but he isn't going to win this one.

Thus endeth the accounting.

[ 08-22-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]

[Agua Perdido]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

And now, a grand, spankin' new edition of

Updates!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

UPDATES!, eh? Well, three can play at that game:

Seanachai, who is a mewling little Barney-following wretch who hopefully embraces every wretched SSN that staggers in here blowing phlegmy little bubbles of spit at us and claiming it to be wit, and I are not currently playing a game.

Joe Shaw revealed his true colors in an email to me last night: he claimed the SSNs were "getting annoying." Getting annoying? You mean they weren't annoying before? You actually found then less annoying previously than they are now? Is it not true that the very definition of SSN implies something that couldn't possibly be any more annoying unless it were in the Outerboards? Yes, gentlethugs, it is true: Joe Shaw is not only a vile, oozing ssn-lover, he is a jilted ssn-lover. Cover your eyes when reading the Thread the next several pages, as we may expect a torrent of Mormon Wives and twangy country lyrics to ensue. How our Grand High Quiz Master and Persecutor of the Fifth has fallen! It goes without saying, of course, that he's also a gamey bastiche who stoops to using mortars in his attack--barely one step up from mines! Bah!

The ever-alliterative DekeFentle is continuing to crumble under the merciless pressure of my crack 'Zook Human Wave Assault(patent pending). This turn, he unmasked a light gun and whacked an armored car. One of my Commando 'Zook Fanatics From Hell promptly knocked it out, albeit with rockets rather than by close assault. I'll send him in to capture the crew next turn. So far the score is: 'Zooks 2, Guns 1. He may win this one by running out the clock, but my weapons platoon shall never be vanquished!

On the topic of gamey bastiches, Goanna's green rifle platoons are slowly falling away before my steely-eyed SMG hordes. One of my assault guns had a comical duel with a Hellcat, in which both blazed away at 60m with nary a hit before the AG retreated and the Hellcat fell to a flanking unit. One of my units has stumbled across another FT (what next, a 'zook rush?), but I can't tell which one because CMBO doesn't support dynamic lighting. BTS, PLS FIX IT OR DO SOMEFINK!

Terence, who is fighting as manfully as you could expect an SSN to fight (ie, cowering like a simpering little twit), does not get another turn until he appears in the 'Pool and demands one with appropriate invective. I have standards to hold down.

As for stevetherat, I'm pretty sure I sent him the wrong file, but I'm also pretty sure he deserved it. He seems to have some sort of combined arms attack or somefink, but my 100 puppchens should be able to hold him off.

We certainly hope the rest of you louts are dying-a-lot to the fullest. Hate you all.

Agua Perdido

[Edited because I'm still on Zulu-10.]

[ 08-22-2001: Message edited by: Agua Perdido ]

[stevetherat]

I have a tendancy, however uncomfortable, to agree with Slack Jaw Shaw in his sentiment about SSNs. Only yesterday I presented the swill drinking swines with a superb opportunity to prove their (very unlikely) worth.

Not a bite. Not a single bite.

Conclusion: Ban them. It's harsh, but only fair. Before they even lay claim to the heady title of SSN they should prove their creative capabilities in a simple test. And not an obvious one either.

As they make their presence known, one of the squires should lay down an opportunity, or bait, for them to latch on to. Having been successful, they are permitted to carry the mantle that is SSN.

Feedback required please.

StR

[Agua Perdido]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by stevetherat:

Feedback required please.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You're a complete and utter bastard and we all hate you.

I saw we throw the SSNs no bones (unless they're the bones of previous SSNs, and they've been sharpened and aimed at their eyes and soft bits). Let 'em prove their lack of worth all on their own.

Agua Perdido

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I have a tendancy, however uncomfortable, to agree with Slack Jaw Shaw in his sentiment about SSNs. Only yesterday I presented the swill drinking swines with a superb opportunity to prove their (very unlikely) worth.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Easy now lad, let's not let the wine/beer/whiskey/vodka get the better of us. Agreeing with each other is just the first step to mewling "niceness" and group hugs. I, for example, think you're a complete swine. The fault, dear Brutus (May I call you Brutus), lies elsewhere.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Not a bite. Not a single bite.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Well of course not, they're a pretty incompetent lot, save Jar O' P*ss, and he was made Serf so he's not really an SSN.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Conclusion: Ban them. It's harsh, but only fair. Before they even lay claim to the heady title of SSN they should prove their creative capabilities in a simple test. And not an obvious one either.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Actually, you drooling simpleton, we have such a procedure in place but it's not used correctly. The INTENT was to have SSNs become Serfs after they had shown their value TO THE CESSPOOL. Unfortunately very few Knights have gone to the trouble of using this fine vehicle (no, Lars, you may NOT have the keys and it's not that kind of vehicle anyway) and some have even taken the horrid step of taking an SSN DIRECTLY TO SQUIRE! The other problem, frankly (May I call you Frank TOO?), is Lorak. Being busy with Real Life has taken it's toll and he's just not here as frequently as we might wish to annoit SSNs as Serfs.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>As they make their presence known, one of the squires should lay down an opportunity, or bait, for them to latch on to. Having been successful, they are permitted to carry the mantle that is SSN.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> You see that was the whole purpose of the Serf system. Unfortunately SSNs just seem to hang about attempting, in their own fumbling manner, to "fit in" with the crowd but with no guidance. Let's face it (May I call you "It" as well?), an SSN, however well or ill meaning, can't HOPE to pick up the style or traditions of the CessPool from scratch (no, no Bauhaus, wasn't talking about you ... or Berli either now that I recall another usage of the term).

I think that SSNs must be judged somehow as worthy of continued abuse by the CessPool and be made Serfs based upon that judgement. Your "chumming" idea has some merit but in practice it would be difficult to manage. Perhaps we could have Squires offer to play the SSNs in a game of Jabo! or something similar and report to the membership? Until the game was complete the SSN wouldn't be allowed to make further posts except for reports ON THE GAME in progress?

Perhaps a vote of the members based on initial posts? Obviously this opens up all SORTS of possibilities for fraud and corruption so THAT'S good.

But what to do with the SSNs who are judged unworthy? Shall we just ignore them? Tough to do sometimes with their flying about willy nilly. Shall they be taken under instruction by a Squire or Knight and "groomed" for yet another attempt? My squires are FAR too busy with their own lessons. Difficult choices for difficult times indeed.

Joe

p.s. Oh, and to all who took the time to comment on my recent expose entitled "TRPs, FOs and How You Should ALL F.O." ... Thanks and Sod Off.

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Panzer Leader:

And so ends my ninth game as a squire, and my fifth victory. Ahh, the glory is mine.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

And this is why you are still a squire. Hasn't anyone ever told you that wins and losses mean nothing -- its the taunting that counts? I ask because you suck at it (the taunting, that is).

[MrPeng]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

And this is why you are still a squire. Hasn't anyone ever told you that wins and losses mean nothing -- its the taunting that counts? I ask because you suck at it (the taunting, that is).<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Just a minor point old chap, but there is some meaning to a "Loss to Peng" if you recall, there is nothing more humiliating in life than that, so before you go passing bad information, shut your filthy little vowelless pie hole, ok?

Thanks for your support.

Peng

[Marlow]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrPeng:

Just a minor point old chap, but there is some meaning to a "Loss to Peng" if you recall, there is nothing more humiliating in life than that, so before you go passing bad information, shut your filthy little vowelless pie hole, ok?

Thanks for your support.

Peng<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

"Loss to Peng" is not quite the worst form of humiliation, oh one of many pods. "Loss to Croda" is still the greatest badge of shame that can be worn by a Pooler. This dishonor is owned by several current inmates, namely the earless one, Mensch the Addled, The French, and Her Ovaries.

While I recognize the historic significance of "Loss to Peng," you did beat him.

[ 08-22-2001: Message edited by: Marlow ]

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrPeng:

Just a minor point old chap, but there is some meaning to a "Loss to Peng" if you recall, there is nothing more humiliating in life than that, so before you go passing bad information, shut your filthy little vowelless pie hole, ok?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Peng, you diseased puppy, the CONTEXT (not contest, Mace, go back to your ewe) involved WINS and LOSSES. The words go together like ham and eggs, kibbles & bits, Berli and evil. Surely you do not claim that a record of 'WINS and LOSSES' is important? It of course goes without saying that a loss to Croda (thankfully AWOL) or to you (not THAT ewe, Mace, now stop it this instant!) is humiliating, not because it affects your win/loss record but because well, it involves a loss to You or Croda.

I mean, the Lizard has an impressive win/loss record (impressive, that is, to those who care about such things), but is still sullied by his prior loss to YOU.

Therefore, what you were referring to is obviously different than what I was referring to.

If you need further explanation, I believe Messers. Daniels and Beam have more detailed explanations printed inside the bottles -- you just have to drink your way down to them.

[edited because I wanted to]

[ 08-22-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]