Peng Challenge Thread - From Barbarous to Boring

[Buzzsaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lars:

Buzzbuzzbuzz,

...The incompetent boob that is issuing them orders (YOU, you lackwit) is wasting their time running them around the bottom of the hill machinegunning helpless broken crews. Meanwhile, up on top of the hill, the rest of my Fallschirmgerbils are dying from laughter at the pitiful excuse you call an attack. Even Stalin is already at the top of the hill. Grow a pair and get a move on, even the AI is getting bored. ....

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'm not heading up that hill until I've stepped on every damn minefield down here, thank you very much.

[MrSpkr]

BEEEEEP!

. . .

BEEEEEP!

. . .

BEEEEEP!

. . .

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Please stand by for an important announcement from the National Command Center:

The National Command Center has issued a Barracuda warning for all coastal areas in Virginia and the Chesapeake Bay area.

At 9:56 a.m. today, the National Command Center observed the imminent signs of the return of the Barracuda: U.S. stock prices began to plummet; a war torn Europe sued for peace; and French gendarmes announced they suddenly had additional room in their provincial jails.

Conditions indicative of the Barracuda's approach include high gusts of hot air; fetid body odor; an abundance of litigiousness; and panic among young Catholic schoolgirls.

Citizens are advised to prepare for the Barracuda's approach by sending their wives and daughters overseas for safekeeping; hiding any hard liquors or beer; and keeping one hand on their wallets at all times.

Should you observe the Barracuda's approach, take shelter immediately. Avoid popping the tops off beer bottles and ordering take-out pizza. Do not attempt to approach the Barracuda[, as strong and unexpected bursts of litigiousness have been associated with this event.

This has been a warning from the National Command Center. Please stay tuned to this CessPool for further details.

We now return you to your regular programming.

BEEEEEP!

. . .

BEEEEEP!

. . .

BEEEEEP!

. . .

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Do not attempt to approach the Barracuda[, as strong and unexpected bursts of litigiousness have been associated with this event.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Let's see if I got this straight ... you've invited another SSN and (as if THAT wasn't enough) it's ANOTHER LAWYER! The only way it could be worse was if it was an Australian SSN lawyer.

You got some 'splaining to do Lucy.

Joe

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Let's see if I got this straight ... you've invited another SSN and (as if THAT wasn't enough) it's ANOTHER LAWYER! The only way it could be worse was if it was an Australian SSN lawyer.

You got some 'splaining to do Lucy.

Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

There you go again, Joe. Did I say ANYTHING about inviting an SSN into the MBT? YOU of all people should know better than THAT!

Read the post CAREFULLY. Note the following line:

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>At 9:56 a.m. today, the National Command Center observed the imminent signs of the -----> RETURN <----- of the Barracuda . . . <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Now, follow along carefully, because this gets kind of complicated, but something cannot RETURN unless it had already BEEN HERE! Do you see that? Doesn't that make sense?

Now, let's think about this: what litigious, alcoholic threat to Catholic schoolgirls has been absent from these parts recently?

Hmmmmm. Who could that be? Would he take GREAT offense at being called a ScumSuckingNewbie -- oh wait, that's irrelevant.

Think hard, Joe. Like the dawning realization that the girl you met on the bus yesterday gave you the wrong phone number on purpose, the answer will come to you eventually.

[edited to emphasize a word]

[ 08-23-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]

[Juardis]

Triumpants, you yellow bellied, low-life, peeping tom lurking, cowardly excuse for a bipedal chimpanzee, come out and taunt!

You think I don't see all those orange bases assaulting my positions. I hate the brits, I hate being assaulted, and I hate playing you. My COMPUTER even hates playing you and I have to coax it lovingly to even open one of your damnable emails.

C'mon love, just open the email so I can extract the vile, sinful, offending attachment. The sooner we rid the human race of this vile excrement, the sooner we can go on to more pleasant activities - like reading the cesspool news.

I loathe and despise all those green lackeys you so arrogantly run across the open field. Being ASSAULTED, by green panty waisted, tea drinking, pompous, pedantic, didactic brits is akin to being stripped naked, covered in honey, left in a swamp during monsoon season and being attack by hordes of gnats. I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT ANYMORE. I won't REST until I bite your nads off and dangle them from the nearest tree to ward off any other SSN who dares not post here. MY LIFE will not be complete until I see the white spittle dripping from the corner of your mouth flapping into your nostrils and you asphyxiate on your own bodily fluids. Your very existence on the battle field is a scourge that must be wiped, road kill that must be eaten, and a horrible disservice to all the Frogs that valiantly let all the brits fight for them!

And what does the computer give me to fend off this assault on my very fibre of essence? One freakin' 81mm FO. One! You cheatin' bastard somehow coerced the computer into giving me insufficient forces to fend off this abomination and for that I will take your nads down from the aforementioned tree and beat you upside your head with them, roll them under the treads of my king tiger, and hang them back on the tree!!! Surrender now and save your NADS!

[Iskander]

looking around blearily...

Hmmm...what? Alcohol? Catholic schoolgirls? Is there some sort of tour through Schloss Peng that I missed in the last meeting?

Guess I'd better go change my underware a week early, then....

wanders off... scratching

[MrSpkr]

I rather like the cut of this young lad -- he shows promise:

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Juardis:

Triumpants, you yellow bellied, low-life, peeping tom lurking, cowardly excuse for a bipedal chimpanzee, come out and taunt!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Nice opening.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I hate the brits, I hate being assaulted, and I hate playing you. My COMPUTER even hates playing you and I have to coax it lovingly to even open one of your damnable emails.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Wonderful invective.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>C'mon love, just open the email so I can extract the vile, sinful, offending attachment. The sooner we rid the human race of this vile excrement, the sooner we can go on to more pleasant activities - like reading the cesspool news.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Whispering sweet nothings to your computer IS a bit worrysome, however.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>green panty waisted, tea drinking, pompous, pedantic, didactic brits<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Accuracy in descriptions is important.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I won't REST until I bite your nads off and dangle them from the nearest tree to ward off any other SSN who dares not post here.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Sigh. You were doing SO well, too. While I agree that warding off SSN's is a good and noble thing; and that insuring that Try-up-my-pants is incable of further pollution of the gene pool is downright commendable, the crudity manner in which you portray it is unnecessary, and crass. You were doing SO well.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>a horrible disservice to all the Frogs that valiantly let all the brits fight for them!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Never forget, lad, it was not a choice -- frogs can't fight.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>And what does the computer give me to fend off this assault on my very fibre of essence? One freakin' 81mm FO. One! You cheatin' bastard somehow coerced the computer into giving me insufficient forces to fend off this abomination<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Noting your opponent apparently has more hacking than fighting skills is quite observant of you.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>and for that I will take your nads down from the aforementioned tree and beat you upside your head with them, roll them under the treads of my king tiger, and hang them back on the tree!!! Surrender now and save your NADS!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

And then you slip back down into the morass of crassness again.

Yet, somehow, I see a bit of promise in your style.

I shall take you, young Juardis (down Bauhaus, this is supposed to be solemn!), as my Squire, and train you thusly in the ways of the k-niggets of the Muthah Beautiful Thread.

Lorak, scribe thusly: Juardis is now my squire.

And now, to business.

Squire, observe the first post of this, the MBT. Yes, yes, I know it was written by Sir Shaw, but still, a few things may be gleaned from it.

Observe Rule {87/87}:

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>{87/87) Do NOT sound off ABOUT your pair.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Now, let me amend that for you just a slight bit:

DO {BOOT} NOT {BOOT} SOUND OFF {BOOT} {BOOT} ABOUT ANYONE ELSE'S {BOOT} PAIR, EITHER! {BOOT} {BOOT} {BOOT}

Got it?

Now, run along and get to your studies, boy. I expect a twenty five page paper, footnoted appropriately, on the topic of "TRP's and Training: How Joe Shaw Learned to Use Artillery After Only Two Years of Experience in CM!", by sundown.

[ 08-23-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]

[Marlow]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

Sigh. You were doing SO well, too. While I agree that warding off SSN's is a good and noble thing; and that insuring that Try-up-my-pants is incable of further pollution of the gene pool is downright commendable, the crudity manner in which you portray it is unnecessary, and crass. You were doing SO well.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Come, come, Mr. Spankey, dangling nads, are as much a time-honored practice in the MBT as pointy sticks and topplements. Crass as it might be, there is something to be said for family tradition.

Also, what is this "Triumpants" thing that your new boy toy is challenging anyway? Is your moron lackey actually using the Cesspool to challenge on outerborder? He is obviously an idiot, and you are welcome to him. I'm sure you two will be happy together.

[Marlow]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

BEEEEEP!

At 9:56 a.m. today, the National Command Center observed the imminent signs of the return of the Barracuda<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

About time he got back. I've got a whole case of whoop-ass saved up for his few remaining cowering braut munchers.

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Marlow:

Come, come, Mr. Spankey, dangling nads, are as much a time-honored practice in the MBT as pointy sticks and topplements. Crass as it might be, there is something to be said for family tradition.

Also, what is this "Triumpants" thing that your new boy toy is challenging anyway? Is your moron lackey actually using the Cesspool to challenge on outerborder? He is obviously an idiot, and you are welcome to him. I'm sure you two will be happy together.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Sir Marlow? Is that you? I'm a little surprised to see YOU here, what with the thrashing I am currently giving you and your apparent legal problems (that IS you they are talking about, isn't it?)

In response to your comments (though heaven KNOWS why I bother), yes, dangling nads are a tradition of sorts in the pool. Talking about castrating someone with your teeth is not, however, and I thought it best to avoid confusing the lad by placing the entire topic off limits.

As to Try-to-umm-veer, he made an appearance in the heretical thread, saying something about his unfortunate (for us) decision to stop lurking. Young Juardis is doing a community service by beating him right back into lurker mode where he belongs.

Anything else? No? Well, okay, good to see you and all that (okay, NOT really, but one must maintain appearances, mustn't one), but really, please, sod off.

Pillock.

[ 08-23-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]

[Lars]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Buzzbuzzbuzz:

I'm not heading up that hill until I've stepped on every damn minefield down here, thank you very much.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Ah, I see. Very well then, carry on. Oh, you missed one. That’s right, just a little to the left…

[Marlow]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

Sir Marlow? Is that you? I'm a little surprised to see YOU here, what with the thrashing I am currently giving you and your apparent legal problems (that IS you they are talking about, isn't it?)

[ 08-23-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

LOL.

Not me, I'm afraid, it happened in Washington state. Say, maybe that is why we haven't heard from jd in a while …

As far as the thrashing you are giving me? Only a flesh wound. How about those two burning assault guns? There would have been four of them if my idiot Churchill gunners would figure out that HE is not going to kill a Stug, and that those C rounds aren't going to do any good sitting in the ammo bin. BTS, FIX OR DO SOMEFINK!

Other Updates:

Dale Evans, I call you out you low down, yellow bellied, earless cur. Where is the file that you promised to fling in my direction?

Shandy Duncan is demonstrating the fine art of advancing to the rear in a rainy little night battle. I hold all VLs, and his tanks and remaining men are heading in the wrong direction. Left behind are the hulks of four halftracks, and the bodies of about a company of Motorized SS Hamstertruppen. Up the Ox and Bucks!

Also in a gentle night rain, Pa Iskander leads his band of Hillbillies against my Evil SS hordes. Revenge will be mine.

Cheap Flannel have just started, and he is already busy dropping an entire Panzer Corp worth of artillery on two half-squads and a Bazooka. Keep it up, I'm sure you won't need that Arty later. "What is the body count?" "Two Chickens and a Duck Sir."

Jake the Snake returns soon. Maybe he picked up a few pointers over in the Ardennes. Not that it is going to help him at this point. The only thing that is slowing down my advance is letting my infantry rest from all that running.

Long Lost Nijis and I are working on a glacial paced game of rune's "Night of the Engineers." For those in need of a battle, this one is just twisted enough to suit the Pool. Lots of Flames and rubble. Berli would approve. So far, Nijis has not been the motor Sgt.'s best friend, with four wrecked halftracks. He also has about a platoon and a half of dead pioneers with little to show for it.

Speedy and I have also started a rune special, "the Caen Mutiny." If I don't win, I'm blaming the undermodeled SMLE firepower.

SteveTheGit and I should be wrapping up a battle soon. My turns are currently very easy. It doesn't take long to give orders to my three remaining troops.

Last, and certainly not least, Wildboy has done an absolutely magnificent job of trying to give me a victory. At one point in the game, he had killed three of my four tanks, driven me off the VL, and killed about one half my troops. This with taking only light casualties. Since then, I have managed to remove all his armor from the game (four Shermans, and two Greyhounds), kill about half of his guys, and evict him from the VL. He still has a few more men than I do, but has no heavy firepower left, and had to cross open ground to get me. MUHAHAHA.

[Iskander]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Marlow:

Also in a gentle night rain, Pa Iskander leads his band of Hillbillies against my Evil SS hordes. Revenge will be mine. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Better rethink that one: I've told my drunkentruppen that each Flag marks a stash of 'shine, and excepting a few Pennsylvania Dutch revenuers it's all theirs... another easy win 'gainst you, the Literary Ignoramous.

[David Aitken]

Remember Fieldmarshall's masterful dissection of the role of Volkssturm in CM? I'm sure that followers of his research and discursive skills will be delighted to learn of his latest project.

[ 08-23-2001: Message edited by: David Aitken ]

[Juardis]

Why thank you MrSpkr sir for taking an interest in my further training. I was kinda hoping to connect with (I suppose this is where I interject - down bauhaus) a big and fearsome knight, but seeings as you're even worse, what with you being a lawyer and all, well, I feel honored.

Must get back to my homework now.

Page 13 - wherein Joe Shaw discovers that he cannot see the stupid TRP because it's out of LOS. What good is that he mutters incoherently to no one in particular, which is quite correct considering that no one is listening...

I...must...not...bite...nads

I...must...not...bite...nads

I...must...not...bite...nads

.

.

.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>MrSpkr expounded thusly: Now, let me amend that for you just a slight bit: DO {BOOT} NOT {BOOT} SOUND OFF {BOOT} {BOOT} ABOUT ANYONE ELSE'S {BOOT} PAIR, EITHER! {BOOT} {BOOT} {BOOT}

Got it?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Well, talk about your presumptious gits! Just because YOU have claimed young Jar O' P*ss as squire does NOT make it so. Until Lord Lorak posts it it is null and void ... luckily for you he (that is to say Jar O' P*ss) is only a serf and serfs are made for the boot or we might have a lawsuit on our hands.

Speaking of lawsuits ... You Freaking Idiot I DON'T have an Enigma machine with which to decypher your drunken, coded messages. No doubt you found it indescribably droll to equate Lawyer with a barracuda but the reference escaped EVERYONE. As to the SINGLE word clue "return", are you really under the impression that I read ALL of your posts ... {snicker}? I have a hard enough time keeping my lunch down as it is without going over your fevered ramblings word for freaking word.

I DO however, give you credit for following MY lead in the training of your {alleged} squire. It's important to keep them busy you know. Unfortunately the topic is simply not ON as it assumes facts not in evidence ... or hearsay ... or something.

Lars, oh Lars kindly remind me to properly spell and bold young Jar O' P*ss IF (let's not be presumptious here) he ascends to the rank of squire. Oh and how is the paper coming, "Sir MrSpkr Fried Okra or Fried Okie?"?

Joe

[Marlow]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

You Freaking Idiot I DON'T have an Enigma machine with which to decypher your drunken, coded messages. No doubt you found it indescribably droll to equate Lawyer with a barracuda but the reference escaped EVERYONE. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

This is only true if use of the word "EVERYONE" is limited to slow-witted mortgage bankers from Utah.

[Marlow]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Juardis:

but seeings as you're even worse, what with you being a lawyer and all, well, I feel honored.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

No, No, No. He still has his training wheels on. He won't be fully ready to decipher the infinite complexities of the American legal system until he passes the Bar (something that I am surprised that Jake can do, and know that Pa Iskander can't).

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jar O'P*ss:

(I suppose this is where I interject - down bauhaus)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

vXi) Yes, that would be, were you a kniggit, the place to insert (Bauhaus...) a 'Sit down...' statement.

47, 63, hike) Being as you are an {alleged} squire (squirrel more like), you are not (you do understand not, right?) worthy to tell Ste. Bauhaus a bloody thing (Bauhaus...), so feel free to SOD OFF!!!!

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Being as you are an {alleged} squire (squirrel more like), you are not (you do understand not, right?) worthy to tell Ste. Bauhaus a bloody thing<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> {gag} Well said Berli. Damned SSNs and Serfs are getting awfully uppitty lately. I think we need to do SOMETHING and the stench seems to be worse when the corpses accumulate so THAT'S not going to work.

Joe

[Juardis]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

vXi) Yes, that would be, were you a kniggit, the place to insert (Bauhaus...) a 'Sit down...' statement.

47, 63, hike) Being as you are an {alleged} squire (squirrel more like), you are not (you do understand not, right?) worthy to tell Ste. Bauhaus a bloody thing (Bauhaus...), so feel free to SOD OFF!!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

My liege, MrSpkr, may I retort to this fetid futon some of the finer pontifications of the written language? Good...

my quote was I suppose this is where I interject - down bauhaus

I did not in fact, say sitdown bauhaus, I merely supposed that - IF I were a big and fearsome Night that is (or even a small and loathsome one) - supposed that that is what I would say. I respect the order waaaaaaaay too much to presume that I, a mere pissant of a squire (mere formalities notwithstanding), am in any position to even look at a kite let alone even think about addressing one.

Page 23 - wherein Shaw discovers that the bullseye[1] TRP is not a victory location but is, in fact, some kind of arty magnet - which he still doesn't understand cause no one has a line of sight to it...

[ 08-23-2001: Message edited by: Juardis to add forgotten footnote

[1] bullseye referring to fact that Joe suspects this is a good place to stop and rest cause it scores him xtra points ]

[ 08-23-2001: Message edited by: Juardis ]

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>The {alleged} squire Jar O' P*ss, having forgotten that it was I who first proposed him for the HONOR of Serf, turned like a rat on his initial benefactor without whom he would NOT be even an {alleged} squire, no not even a miserable Serf but STILL a lowley and despised SSN and DARED to suggest that: Page 23 - wherein Shaw discovers that the bullseye[1] TRP is not a

victory location but is, in fact, some kind of arty magnet - which he still doesn't understand cause no one has a line of sight to it...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Now isn't that just gratitude for you. It's true, I'm far too kind and generous to the lesser amongst us. I should have put the Boot in early and often with this one, but I thought him better than this base piece of treachery. Obviously he has been infected with the sordid and devious nature that we all know MrSpkr to exhibit IN SPADES. Oh certainly, he will CLAIM that he is but quoting his "work", but the author is responsible for his works.

So be it. I propose that MrSpkr and I create a scenario for the duel between our one FULL FLEDGED AND ACKNOWLEDGED squire, i.e. MINE, Lars, and his {alleged} newly minted and still wet behind the ears, treacherous and backstabbing underling Jar O' P*ss.

Because it is against my principles to FORCE anyone to play CM, I REQUEST that my squire take up this battle. It is only fitting and proper that our underlings fight this the good fight.

The battle shall be an ARTY FEST and MrSpkr and I shall ensure that it is balanced and fair ... allow me to rephrase that ... I will ensure that MrSpkr does not create any portion of the scenario that is unbalanced or unfair.

So MrSpkr, {sneer}, do you agree to my proposal?

Joe

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

So MrSpkr, {sneer}, do you agree to my proposal?

Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Certainly, on the condition that there are lots of infantry units to decorate the shellholes with bodies.

In other news, the Lizard, apparently astonished that anyone would dare accept a challenge to face him on the field of battle, has vanished after his promise that the cheque was in the mail.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Certainly, on the condition that there are lots of infantry units to decorate the shellholes with bodies.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Well DUH! What would be the purpose of having an Arty Fest without bodies to tear asunder? Of course we could just have a lot of buildings to be burned and destroyed ... hell, let's have both. Shoot me an email and we'll discuss it.

Joe

[Stixx]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mace:

I've got one going with 10000 points per side.

Mace<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

After my last artillery barrage i think thats getting closer to 5,000 points.

Also foolishly advancing Panthers thru the trees without infantry support...

Damn!!!. I thought i was going to get a challenge out of this game. Instead you seem more concerned about herding your sheep off the map edge and walk your infantry straight Into my artillery barrages????.

If your an Aussie i'm ashamed to call myself one!