Peng Challenge Thread - From Barbarous to Boring

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

Berli owes me a turn. I whacked about three of his guys -- my reward is one turn sent in the last 13 days. Go figure.[/QB]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I never got your last file... so I can't send you one. No doubt you and Jimmy had a wild Haggis party and forgot to send.

[DekeFentle]

I haven't posted a hearty Bugger Off in a while and since I know you've all been breathless wondering what I've been up to I decided to bless you all with my pontific presence, even for just a moment.

Leo send a turn ya git. Barring that address my short memory and let me know if I owe you one.

Agua Perdido I believe the uber zooks you’ve fielded more than make up for my earlier use of the hardcore Hetzer attack.

Stalin this one is going to suck.

Marlow that big left hook you’re trying is going to be fraught with peril.

SpeedBump pick up the pace there laddy.

When the Whuppin' boy speaks, gather round and hearken well. Pain is humanities most eloquent mentor.

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

I never got your last file... so I can't send you one. No doubt you and Jimmy had a wild Haggis party and forgot to send.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Not unless he hacked my PBEM program too. It shows 'sent' (and I resent a couple of days ago just to be sure).

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

Not unless he hacked my PBEM program too. It shows 'sent' (and I resent a couple of days ago just to be sure).<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Last e-mail I have from you was sent on the 16th... which I promptly replied to. I will, of course, send that again. This will be the 3rd time I have sent this very same file. As I have not got the "Your e-mail bounce, ya idiot" message, I must assume that you got it and deleted it. Try not to delete it again

[Lorak]

Greetings Herr muggles,

I just wanted to clear up a misconsception that has been reported by Goanna.

1.7%) He is a cold-blooded reptile so we know he lies....a lot.

hVe) He claims that he "victory" was due to his great tactics.

So to set the record straight. I'd like to add that this lying bastage has no clue to how the cesspool works. I will grant him the victory. But tactics has nothing to do with it. Everyone past the rank of SSN knows that a win in the cesspool just points out who was the most gamey.

So..

Goanna - Gamey winning bastage

Lorak - loss by historical ineptitude

Others

Marlow-win

Speedy-loss

Panzer-win

Dalem-loss

Now I ask you all for a moment of silence. And most of all I ask the father confessor for forgivness. I take my job as inpartial judge seriously, and try to follow the guidelines that I make up. I was holding of in the vain hope that God would show mercy upon us and Panzerleader would get crushed by being buggered by a giant hedgehog... but alais... it is of no use. I think that God torments us because we have given shelter to the Evil one.

So it is with great pain that I move Panzerleader up from the rank of squire to the rank of Knight.

Lorak the loathed

[Goanna]

Oh, the horror. I do believe the elf has cracked (obviously from his most recent humiliation at my hands). There must be some way to reverse this edict, but I fear not.

Where's the world going if we can't discriminate based on the basis of race, creed, religion, or just being an annoying git.

I also note that MrVwlss has gone and spoken the name of the scaly terror and has therefore drawn the gaze of the abomination upon him.

Since tornado season has failed to scour he and his brood from the face of the planet, it falls to me. Well, that and the fact that Lorak's demise has left a spot on my dance card.

It's not the winning, mind you. The score is a mere byproduct of the screams and wailing I desire.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>So it is with great pain that I move Panzerleader up from the rank of squire to the rank of Knight.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> And there was, upon the land (or at least the CessPool) a great wailing and gnashing of teeth and the people spake unto Lorak and saideth:

Oh Great Lorak (the People obviously wanted something) is there nothing we can do? Is there no loophole we can invoke to save us from this dire contingency?

And the Lord Lorak looked upon the People and was sad, for the cupboards were bare (oh ... go ahead Bauhaus on a day like this things couldn't get any worse) and his options were nil.

But then, like a ray of light ... no, actually WITH a ray of light since he had a flashlight ... Sir Joe Shaw, Prosecutor and Protector of The One The True CessPool burst upon the multitude and sayeth thusly:

Fear not, ye dwellers of the CessPool for I, Prosecutor and Protector of The One The True CessPool, have discovered that many, nay MOST of the games played by Panzer Leader were played ... AS AN SSN and NOT as a squire and are thus ... null and void ... technically.

And the people looked to the Lord Lorak and askedeth:

Is this true Lord Lorak? Can we thus gain salvation?

And the Lord Lorak looked down upon the crowd ... ruminated ... hocked up a loggie and spat it at the crowd ... then he answeredeth them thusly:

... to be continued ...

Joe

{editeth to add "ths" to all the right placeths}

[ 08-22-2001: Message edited by: Joe Shaw ]

[Stixx]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Well of course not, SSN's are a pretty incompetent lot.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Oh sir mighty Joey Boy you hang around this place like a bad smell that lingers and contaminates everything it touches.

Congratulations

However "Incompetant" uss SSN's may be there still remains the problem of getting rid of us.

As mentioned in your previous post you are still not man enough to accept a challenge and rid the world of one of these spawn of Satin. Instead you wish to hide behind your big words andlongspeechesthatrabbleonaboutnothing!!! instead of actually putting your money where your mouth is/was.

You should accept your fate as an old, try hard, wannabe, let someone throw your other leg in grave, for you already have 1 in there and walk towards the light which is your hell.

[Lorak]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

And the Lord Lorak looked down upon the crowd ... ruminated ... hocked up a loggie and spat it at the crowd ... then he answeredeth them thusly:

... to be continued ...

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Joe and fellow denzines of the pool. I have tried my best to find a loophole to keep this from happening. Sadly his games were legit. I know because I do not record games for anyone or against anyone if they are not on my site. So will this sad day could not be avoided this time... I will be overlooking/making up new rules for the future. Of course these rules will not be published and no one but me will know what they are. But they will be ummm fair. I think. Well, they will be something.

Lorak the loathed

P.S. Just noticed I haven't mentioned how bad work sucks yet today.

[Panzer Leader]

The room, smoke filled and loud with the boisterous cursings of an unruly crowd, falls silent as the bronze double doors swing inward.

Slowly a dark shadow crosses the threshold. A low muttering builds among the people. A man, his girth draped in a cloak of blackest velvet, walks steadfastly up the aisle. Legs stealthily move into his path, but he skirts them with a lithe side-step. Hands reach out, fists clenched in rage, but he waves them aside, his steps unwavering.

He mounts a small dais upon which rests a podium. Behind this sit the slouching forms of four thouroughly distressed hob-goblins. They glare at the man in black, and one raises on his quivering haunches, but his neighbor puts his small, wrinked hand on his shoulder.

Slowly, grunting in helpless anger, the man plops back into his seat. With a sigh, the stranger, the outsider, throws back his hood, and the room is bathed in the light of his curly golden locks. Green eyes sparkle like emeralds in the fire of a hundred torches. -- torches held in the white-knucled hands of the throng.

A last glance at the four, a slight smile on his bee-stung lips, but his brow is furrowed in concentration. A bead of sweat, glinting with a reflection of the flames, rolls down his alabaster forhead.

Silence, broken only by the crudest of bodily noises befall the crowd as the outsider turns once again to the crowd.

"Friends!"

Cursing, howling of groan men and wailing of women erupt.

"Outerboarders!"

Hissing, jerky hand gestures, and an over-ripe tomato hurled towards the dais.

His hands spread apart in welcome.

"Pooligans!

Only a low groan. Anger spent, like a premature ejaculation on the thigh of a two-bit whore in the back alley of a wineshop, the crowd falls against the hard pine backs of their pews.

"Lend me your ears!"

to be continued...

[Speedbump]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lorak:

So it is with great pain that I move Panzerleader up from the rank of squire to the rank of Knight.

Lorak the loathed<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I will grant you at the outset that I have not been active in the MBT as of late, but this announcement cries out for comment.

That is just wrong. Wrong in too many ways to count. Wrong like that uncomfortable itch that you cannot scratch in public. Wrong like Shaw winning any other scenario than Jabo!. Wrong like the influence Ozzieland has on this thread. Just plain wrong...

Speedbump

[Edited because I want to fit in (dangit Bauhaus, I can't stop by without you sniffing around?!?)]

[ 08-22-2001: Message edited by: Speedbump ]

[Buzzsaw]

MrSpkr

This lout you have sent me (Lars) really is an embarrassment to you and whatever knigget was foolish enough to sponsor such a ninny. As expected, I am crushing his pitiful defenses. I have found that his shattered pillboxes make nice temporary morgues for his Fallschirmjager squads, but they are quickly filling up. The most telling incident so far has come when one of his shreck teams, about to wet their pants from fear, exited their foxhole for relief, and was instantly gunned down by 4 distant tanks. In the end, that shreck team will be considered lucky; I am planning a much slower, more painful death for the rest of his defenses.

Far more embarrassing, however, is the tone of the messages he has been sending with each turn. There were a few turns where he whined about (real and imagined) jabos, and one where he commented on the diminutive size of his sponsor’s armored codpiece, but most missives have been blase or even bordered on being outright cordial. I submit these two messages as examples:

"Here you go, good luck!"

and

"TTFN - ta ta for now"

What the heck is this? Maybe he is trying to disorient me, but I think it is very distasteful. Is this any way to treat an SSN? And "ta ta for now"? Is Lars a wannabe limey, or does he have a stuttering problem?

Must I climb the cliffs of Crodaberg before I am allowed to strike a blow at MrSpkr himself? If need be, I will pile the broken bodies of Lars’ men into ziggurats so that I my reach a level high enough to give you a good, hard kick in the shins.

[Panzer Leader]

The throng sits in quiet contempt of the black-clad speaker. He pays no mind...

"Gentlepods, I have spent the night in the cloister, you know that dingy room next to the sump? By the way, its last resident - Mrspkr I believe? - left some nasty stains on the bench.

"Anyhoo, I spent the night in supplication to all that is holy, to the Mutha Beautiful to be precise. I prayed for the wisdom to take this mantle and use it for the good of cess everywhere."

Scoffing, pshawing, and an occaisional Bronx cheer. One man in the front row stands, pointing in angry acusation.

"Sit down, Confessor. I know your argument, and for the benefit of us all I will recap my duels for all to hear.

The first was with a little imp of a GIT named Speedbump Thankfully he is gone now, ah there you are sirrah! It was he who sent me through the long road of Jabo! I was unseated soundly by his startlingly intelligent employment of an air-corps of fighter-bombers. Stellar performance, Speedbump, stellar!

Aboot the same time, I was engaged by another (then) squire name of JrSpkr. Now, I believe he has risen to the status of Mrspkr. Even then, in my youthful exuberence, I noticed a certain... petulance... about that lad. Sadly his petulance has become overblown into full-bodied pomposity, but I digress. He defeated me (quite underhandedly) in a game called Jabos! It was quite different than Jabo! but I Died-A-Lot none the less. My troops were locked into a nice set-up position of a long static line on the edge of a wood. I believe they were waiting for a parade or somefink.

Ahh, yes, the old one himself, Berlichtingen dropped me a set-up without so much as a "wanna play?" and so began my third loss. I crossed a great forest, I believe 'twas the Black Forest, along a winding track, and my guys Died-A-Lot.

An upward swing came as I soundly whipped my next three opponents: Mrspkr: "I NEVER play exit-zone opponents!; jd(morse): "Gamey Bastiche!"; and our loveable staghound Shandorf: "I"LL beat you as Ami's on defense!"

Now then, intersperced within these games was a draw with a walk-on name of Parabellum, and an ONgoing punishment of Crodaburg! with a bloke who calls himself Martyr. These games were never counted, Mr. Ambulance Chaser.

Let's see, two wins and a loss to go. Ah yes, my loss was to Lars who managed to defend successfully against my Axis Assault. I both commend him and loathe him for his performance, and will get my revenge.

I beat a MIA known as Col. Sanders who, by besting, actually drove him from the pool. A double-win in my book.

And now, sweet number nine, my handy defeat of the smiling and good-natured Dalem. He Dies-So-Easy it is sometimes sad to his his troops break under the pressure of lack-wit leadership.

But, Father confessor, the reason why these games counted, even under the STRICTIST of edicts, is not because I played established pooligans, but bcause I WAS a card-carrying squire at the time.

My original benefactor, that wily frenchman Pawpaw snatched me off the chopping block the very day I first dipped my ivory big-toe into the swill which was to become home.

Of course, being French and rather confused, he thought my name was Advanced Dungeons and Dragons but we all knew what he meant. He strapped a wooden sword on my belt (hey Pawbroon! That's not the sword!) and pushed me into the deep end."

He looks around smiling. The crowd is milling, it appears a game of Bingo has broken out.

"And so, Joe Shaw...

Feckin' UBB

[ 08-22-2001: Message edited by: Panzer Leader ]

[Lars]

Buzzbuzzbuzz,

The “good luck” is traditional at the start of a game. Especially in your case because you really need it. Your poor troops are to be pitied. The incompetent boob that is issuing them orders (YOU, you lackwit) is wasting their time running them around the bottom of the hill machinegunning helpless broken crews. Meanwhile, up on top of the hill, the rest of my Fallschirmgerbils are dying from laughter at the pitiful excuse you call an attack. Even Stalin is already at the top of the hill. Grow a pair and get a move on, even the AI is getting bored.

Now, the TTFN is short for “goodbye, no more turns tonight, so SOD OFF”. See how much space you can save with an acronym?

And now, I must go make a drink. PanzerLeader made Knigget. Congragulations, PL. This does not call for a celebration, but it certianly calls for a drink.

TTFN

[David Aitken]

Of all the shortcomings of CM and this forum combined, I think BTS have flagrantly ignored the one real problem for far too long. There is one major bug which jeapordises the Combat Mission experience for too many people. I demand that they fix Lewis immediately. If they cannot correct this feature, I suggest that they simply remove it. It has been degrading the performance of our discussions on this forum for longer than I care to remember. It's just the epitome of BTS's shoddy approach to business that they have allowed Lewis to go unaddressed, and show no signs of correcting their oversight in the future. Fix or do somefink, or I won't buy Hypothetical Mission XXXIV: Your Life As It Was And Might Have Been!

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lorak:

So it is with great pain that I move Panzerleader up from the rank of squire to the rank of Knight.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR COTTON PICKIN' MIND!!!!!!!!!!!

[Panzer Leader]

As Lars so eloquently puts it:

TTFN!

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>That greasy little SSN Scuzball ... something like that, stated: Far more embarrassing, however, is the tone of the messages he has been sending with each turn. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Now look here lad, The things that are of the CessPool STAY in the CessPool, the things that are NOT ... are NOT IMPORTANT. In other words, posting emails or portions of emails (except under exceptional circumstances) is just NOT done. If they were not writ in the CessPool, let them remain beyond the CessPool.

Joe

[Stalin's Organ]

Commiserations Mouse.

As a pathetic mewling reminder of how bad humanity can get you had an excuse for being you.

But now that you're a big bad brave kay-nig-it of the pool it's sad to see that this was actually your true character, and not just a put up job to amuse us all with!

Oh well, another good chap lost to the clutches of despair - you do realise that this also means you can never win another game don't you??!!

Edited 'cos such a sad occasion deserves a smilie!!

[ 08-23-2001: Message edited by: Stalin's Organ ]

[dalem]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by David Aitken:

I demand that they fix Lewis immediately. If they cannot correct this feature, I suggest that they simply remove it. It has been degrading the performance of our discussions on this forum for longer than I care to remember. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Yeah, he's a real *********, ain't he?

(edited because I overstepped even MY line for proper web etiquette about *********s)

[ 08-23-2001: Message edited by: dalem ]

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Goanna:

I also note that MrVwlss has gone and spoken the name of the scaly terror and has therefore drawn the gaze of the abomination upon him.

Since tornado season has failed to scour he and his brood from the face of the planet, it falls to me. Well, that and the fact that Lorak's demise has left a spot on my dance card.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'll be sure to make you scream and wail then. Perhaps I can inter you and your men with Lewis and Aitken after I take you prisoner . . . if I take you prisoner, that is.

Pick your poison - scenario or 2500 pt battle. It makes no difference to me how you choose to die.

[Buzzsaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Now look here lad, The things that are of the CessPool STAY in the CessPool, the things that are NOT ... are NOT IMPORTANT. In other words, posting emails or portions of emails (except under exceptional circumstances) is just NOT done. If they were not writ in the CessPool, let them remain beyond the CessPool.

Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Yes, the thought that I was breaking good BBS manners, and quite possibly even violating what passes for etiquette in the Cesspool crossed my mind -- and convinced me that I should go ahead and post. If I over stepped boundaries I am sure that Lars will be happy to tell me himself. Besides, I only revealed what everyone knows: that Lars is a blithering idiot.

(I guess I also indirectly revealed information about your anatomy that, presumably, only Lars and Bauhaus know.)

Please go back to posting pictures from your family photo album.

[Goanna]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>MrSpkr: Pick your poison - scenario or 2500 pt battle. It makes no difference to me how you choose to die.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

That's bold talk for a one armed fat man. The cheque, as they say, is in the post, counsellor.

[ 08-23-2001: Message edited by: Goanna ]

[Mark IV]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by David Aitken:

There is one major bug which jeapordises the Combat Mission experience for too many people... I demand that they fix Lewis immediately. If they cannot correct this feature, I suggest that they simply remove it... Fix or do somefink<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Come, come, he is only an abstraction and beneath the scope of CM. It sounds to me as though you are raising the dead-body-and-oozing-blood discussion all over again. Some things are not modeled as a question of taste, and because they are illegal in some countries.

Congratulations to Panzer Leader on his unexpected promotion to member of the sub-human race. Congratulations, that is, for lasting well beyond the point where it was obvious that you were unwanted, and could not even claim blissful ignorance for continuing to post. Now if you could take the princely kanigget bonus that you have no doubt received already and purchase a modicum of wit, we shall all be thereby enriched.

[Buzzsaw]

Joe Shaw

I reread my last post, and wanted to clarify one point.

You are a pillock.

There, that should do it.