Will CMBB Properly Model the Peng Challenge Thread?

[Croda]

Originally posted by Mace:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Croda:

I am sending you a game in which I intend for you to die by the truckload.

Croda unterhamsters as appetiser followed by Roast Croda, rubbed with Garlic and served with Baked potato, pumpkin, peas, tomato pudding, and lashings of gravy, all prepared on a traditional Aussie Barbi!

Beauty!!!!

Mace</font>

[Lars]

After three hours with my tax accountant my loathing for life, the I.R.S., and all of you has reached a new level.

[dalem]

I hate Croda.

[Slapdragon]

Originally posted by dalem:

I hate Croda.

We all hate Croda , but we also agreed to be nice to him. Afterall, no one would make fun of a guy with no arms and no legs would they? This is the mental equivilant.

Slapdragon

Ronin Knight

By the way Dalem, when are you unvieling your Weiner site?

[Croda]

Originally posted by dalem:

I hate Croda.

Hate is such a weak word.

If your going to express your feelings, use words that elicit a gutwrenching response.

Imagery can also help.

Example: I loathe that Dalem so damned much that I'd like to run his entrails through a macaroni maker and then put them back inside him and make him crap through macaroni entrails for the rest of his life.

Doesn't that make it all the more fun?

[Priest]

Entrails?

Macaroni?

I hate CRODA?

Damn this must be the PENG thread. I hate it when I wonder into the wasteland!

[Yeknodathon]

Originally posted by PondScum:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Yeknodathon:

Now, there is an issue of... me, ahem, ... me "conkers". Now, this is a bit delicate... Question: is it really for the good of the Pool to have a hormone-crazed donkey rampaging through the ssns, serfs, squires, kniggets et al to satisfy...? I don't think so. With the greatest humility and forelock-tugging I'd like 'em back. Don't care if they're in formaldahide, pickled or perched on top of a trifle. Anything to stop these roller-coaster feelings for Hanns.

Do I sense a Squire-type quest here? "A Donkey's Search For His Marbles". What say the assorted kniggets? If I must be <font size=-1>French</font>, then surely Yeknodathon must spend many battles searching for his conkers. And where might he have carelessly lost them, that he must endlessly revisit and search? Somewhere very dark, maybe. Maybe even dark and foggy.

And of course, it is barely worth mentioning that Sledge59's quest must be out in the snowy hills.

</font>

[Goanna]

That's nothing compared to what we would like to do to a Priest. Slicing, dicing and steeping in a jar full of piss (ala Mapelthorpe) before feeding you to a chicken that will then be used in some sacreligious animal sacrifice comes to mind.

[edited to ensure that my title, which places me not nearly as high as Andreas, nonetheless still shows]

[ January 31, 2002, 01:08 AM: Message edited by: Goanna ]

[Sledge59]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

I find myself apalled and dismayed by the quality of Squires these days. I would remind all Knights that while it's all well and good to grab just ANY old Serf or even SSN and proclaim them to be a Squire, that does not MAKE them a true Squire. It requires a certain native talent and wit that the current crop seems to be sadly lacking. Of course the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree ... poor Squire, poor Knight that's what I always say.

Joe

This must be about Hanns and his lineage.

[BilgeRat]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

Shaw, underneath his Jeffrey Farnol school of historical dialect approach, I believe the Bilgerat is actually offering you a thinly veiled challenge.

Which would be a relief, actually, for while I have enjoyed the antics of this refugee from a Marryat novel, he has yet to do more than posture, bluster, and 'curse the French, with a wannion!'

I realize, Shaw, that you are a busy man, and I completely understand your obsession with those finer points of honour and affectation that seem like merest persiflage to the low-lifes who form such a sturdy, yeomanesque core of the Peng Challenge Society, but I think, if this is indeed what Bilgerat is seeking, that someone should give him a game.

He has, quite incorrectly, been identified with Patrick O'Brien, but, and I certainly know, there is no one in a Patrick O'Brien novel that carries himself like our Bilgerat. Monsieur O'Brien is, in fact, quite literary. Bilgerat is being keelhauled beneath Sabatini.

Now, I propose, Mister Bilgerat, that you have capered and ponced around the Thread in a not unpleasing way, but long enough.

Shaw, Knight Templar of the Thread, is much too busy to take notice of your 'damme's', and 'with a' curse', and 'sod me for a lizard, else', but I have noticed you, and I am, after all, the Nice One.

Therefore, I propose that you leave off your bathtub battles with brightly colored plastic tugboats that you, with furrowed brow, have renamed after every ship of the line involved in the battle of Trafalgar, and give over your attempts to position them just so with the intent of breaking the 'enemy's line', and prove to us here that you do, in fact, play Combat Mission.

My own, recently proclaimed Squire, Sledge59, would, I doubt not, give you a game worthy of your steel.

I suggest, Bilgerat, me little lad, that you have hoist an oar over your shoulder, and moved far enough into the heart of the Peng Challenge Thread to a point where people would venture a question as to what you're carrying. It's time to lay it down, and play a game, lad.

What say you? Would you receive a Challenge, if properly tendered, from my Squire, Sledge59? Or will you shuffle, and pull the forelock, and committ the very crime of shiftiness that you accuse Shaw, no warriour of the sea, to be sure, of committing?

Sledge59! As you love the gods, my ladies, and me, offer this encrusted barnacle a challenge!

Let us see what stuff he's made of.[/QB]

Bah! I mean Aaarrgh!

Jeffrey Farnol is it? What poppycock! You will rue the day you wrote such a jibe as even now I dust off long forgotten masterpieces of early 20th century popular fiction The Broad Highway, The Amateur Gentleman.... Oh yes indeed, forsooth, prithee......

You are sorely mistaken if you think I would waste good British gunpowder on the likes of such a cowardly and craven buffoon as Shaw. I have no wish to endure the tedium of pursueing Shaw through his archipelago of quibbles.

Tha BilgeRat has never served aboard a pirate nor even a privateer such as those that populate the pages penned by the likes of Sabatini or Farnol. HM Navy employs many forms of punishment but keelhauling is not among them. Such ignorance is not a suprise coming from a bungler whose nautical themed thread foundered at the first post. I dare not for fear of apoplexy mention further the infamous rendering of the Articles of War. Literary might O'brian be but 'is dialogue is hardly more authentic than that of Farnol and Co.

The most fervent and virulent wrath I cultivate for the French...those pests of the human race and their ilk. Like Monsewer Jefferey the blustering braggart still cowering in his harbour fearful of the British broadsides. I suppose that if a crustacean crawled forth from the Sludge some sport might be had wacking it with a marline-spike. Let us hope Sludge by name, sludge by nature don't apply to it's playing style as it does to it's gelatinous prose.

On the subject of prose, I note the latest addition to the ship's livestock, the Yak (misindentified by the ignorant as a donkey), was almost tolerable when spouting verse but has all but run aground now. It's fawning over the more decrepit members of the crew seems to have attracted the attention of Mace.....

[Sledge59]

Originally posted by Yeknodathon:

BodgedInBehind, yer don't sound like a Nobbit but I'm suspicious that you have the mental capacity of a Nobbit... to wit, feck all. Keep 'ammering yer thumb, the pain will come later.

Yeknod

What's all this balderdash? Is that the best you can do? I think not! In any case, PondScum has dropped the ball and Noba hasn't replied, so you're up. At least you have big ears. Just know that when our battle is over they'll belong to Seanachai.

[dalem]

So simple hatred is not enough anymore. We need words, we need stories, we need forms filled out in triplicate, we need recipes.

Gack!

All right then.

I don't just hate Croda. I loathe him. I despise him. I abhor him. I eschew him. I persiflage him.

Setting: The rectum of a Giant Tree Sloth

Croda is there in the rectum, curled into a foetal position. He is wearing nothing but a posing strap and a baby bonnet, and has an Osmond Family lunch box fixed to his sunken chest with rusty bolts and wing nuts. The peristaltic contractions of the Giant Tree Sloth rectum whip his whimpering form back and forth while Giant Tree Sloth E. coli bacteria riding Giant Tree Sloth white corpuscles gallop around him and begin to destroy him cell by cell. He gags on putrid Giant Tree Sloth rectum bits and dies. His god and creator immediately forms several galactic clusters into large galactic-cluster script words that spell out "I am sorry" in creator-ese, then hangs himself from the edge of time with a bit of superstring.

RE: Hating Croda

Please accept this statement as a formal declaration of my intense hatred of the creature known as Croda. I hereby swear and affirm that I will continue to hate Croda twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, fifty two weeks of the year, each year for the remainder of my life.

After declaring this statement I will give thirty seven copies to my squire, have my squire mail four of them to himself and two to Henry Kissinger, and file the rest with the nearest township authority. My squire will then count backwards from two to zero. So mote it be.

Croda Pie:

Take one fluffy pie crust. Fill bottom of pie crust with one Croda, (pureed or whole). Cover with top crust. Bake for five days at 780 degrees Farenheit. Let cool. Serve to someone you don't like.

Idiots.

[Yeknodathon]

Originally posted by Sledge59:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Yeknodathon:

BodgedInBehind, yer don't sound like a Nobbit but I'm suspicious that you have the mental capacity of a Nobbit... to wit, feck all. Keep 'ammering yer thumb, the pain will come later.

Yeknod

What's all this balderdash? Is that the best you can do? I think not! In any case, PondScum has dropped the ball and Noba hasn't replied, so you're up. At least you have big ears. Just know that when our battle is over they'll belong to Seanachai.</font>

[chrisl]

Originally posted by Persephone:

I've check my email. Still no photo.

I'll get to it. I've been rudely interrupted by real life lately, and hardly have enough time to abuse Pluto, let alone go rooting around on my hard drive for pictures of myself. How about one of the cat with only 3 legs?

[Guest PondScum]

Originally posted by Idjit Yeknod

Duck of Death,

See, I told you I liked his canterings.

Look PondDuck, what does that flag mean, eh? The NICE BIG FREAKIN RED ONE. ITS BEEN THERE QUITE A WHILE BUT THERE AIN'T ANYTHING THERE.

New as you are to this conscious-thought thing, it is time to introduce you to a little "concept". You might think you own the flag, and the game might even show that you own the flag, but if I have troops nearby who you haven't seen yet, you damn well don't own that flag. Or indeed ANY of them. Deep, eh?

Oh, I don't hear an apology for OGSF. SAY IT.

"On behalf of all mankind, I apologize for OGSF"

PS Where's my freakin' turn then?

[Guest PondScum]

Toboggan-boy, you had a good start in the pool, you really did. Barely had you been anointed Junior Idiot Squire than you demonstrated the all-important ability to do a quick u-turn when up against an Old One:

some totally useless “historical” piece of Berli’s excrement

I have the utmost respect for Berli’s abilities as a scenario designer

Indeed, the straight face you kept throughout that little volte-face*, and the tone of belligerent innocence you adopted, surely mark you out as a lawyer-wannabe, known throughout the pool as the scummiest of the cess. Alas and alack, your latest missives have shown a fatal lack of understanding. To whit:

generously offered you a way out ... would play the one you sent with any worthy opponent ... propose to you a compromise

Generosity? Worthy opponents?? COMPROMISE?! This is the pool, laddy. You will find none of that here. Bile and bitterness, gamey underhanded opponents, and vicious single-mindedness are the order of the day. Begone to the outerboards, and don't let the door hit you in the Yeknodathon on the way out. Alternatively, QUIT YER WHININ' AND RETURN THE FECKIN' SETUP ALREADY.

*Included for mon petite general, damn his Francophone eyes.

[ January 31, 2002, 04:43 AM: Message edited by: PondScum ]

[Guest PondScum]

Originally posted by dalem:

Please accept this statement as a formal declaration of my intense hatred of the creature known as Croda. I hereby swear and affirm that I will continue to hate Croda twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, fifty two weeks of the year, each year for the remainder of my life.

After declaring this statement I will give thirty seven copies to my squire, have my squire mail four of them to himself and two to Henry Kissinger, and file the rest with the nearest township authority. My squire will then count backwards from two to zero. So mote it be.

At once, mon general! However, as you know we single-celled organisms are somewhat lacking in fingers and toes, so the counting down could be the tricky bit. Could you lend me a few digits, just in the interim? They don't have to be attached to their previous owners, of course. Even a couple of loose claws off BilgeRat would do.

[ January 31, 2002, 05:24 AM: Message edited by: PondScum ]

[Mace]

Originally posted by Croda:

No see if you can figure out the Send button on your email client and Return the damned file!

They say all good things comes to he who waits...but I just make you wait because I'm a b*stard!

Muahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Mace

[Noba]

Gawd luvver-duck ! I take an evening off from reading tripe posted by the likes of Sluuurge.59 and he thinks i've done a bunk !

Well, not so BoB my boy. I shall find a nice little scenario that you will really enjoy and post it to your little inthingie.

Croda. How about you take over from the gnome (Being the whipping-boy of Australians) and back your foul comment about our tastes with a game? Now I know you are about to be badly beaten... a thought ! ...'how can beating you be bad?' by that great Australian, - Mace. But i'm sure your fowly lived time can be better spent doubling your destruction. So your wimpness, stop picking on sodding gridiron supporters and pick on this Real Football supporter of the Real EAGLES - "WEST COAST"

Premiers, 1994,1992.

Did I mention they beat Geelong both times?

Oh ! and Yakky-boy....we don't get lost in paddocks...our paddocks are kilometres across my neutered nincompoop.

Oh again ! Pondee, are you playing the same scenario as we are playing, against others in the 'pool ? Sounds a bit fishy to me...

Noba.

[Noba]

Sorry, one other thing.

Yak boy, you are indeed correct. 11,000 kms is not far enough...so why don't you SOD OFF TO ANOTHER PLANET

Hitch a ride on the next NASA probe. Preferably one that has an anal attachment, to make the ride more enjoyable for you.

Noba.

[Croda]

Originally posted by dalem:

...I don't just hate Croda. I loathe him. I despise him. I abhor him. I eschew him. I persiflage him.

Can anyone guess who's winning our PBEM?

As for Mace -

If you cannot return turns in a timely manner, then would you please ask the squirrels living in that nest atop your head to return them for you? No doubt they'll give me as good a game.

[Gates-slut]

Originally posted by Marlow:

Edited to note that a "Loss to Hiram" mark might be worthy.

I think we should keep the suggestions to within the realm of possible outcomes. Just a thought.

[ January 31, 2002, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: Gates-slut ]

[Speedbump]

Microsoft Rulz: by the use of monopolistic, unfair, underhanded, filthy, rotten business practices.

Reading Gates-Slut's sig, I can only wonder if Berli is responsible for this?

Speedbump

{Edited for fargin' UBB}

[ January 31, 2002, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: Speedbump ]

[Croda]

Originally posted by Noba:

Sorry...

Hmmm.

New word.

Never seen it used in here before.

And what on god's paved earth is a Noba?

As for Aussie's tastes, I can't pretend to know (nor give a rat's ass), but I can say that they taste very good when roasted on a spit over an open fire and bathed in apple brandy.

If it wants a game, let it send us a game.

The Nefarious Legion of Croda will be happy to make macaroni of your innards.

[Agua Perdido]

Originally posted by Croda:

The Nefarious Legion of Croda

So, stripped of your Oscar at last, eh? I always found the LoC's acting and directing to be positively Costnerian in its plodding woodenness (as one would expect, given the tightly-packed cellulose between Croda's ears).

While I have no need to post a mechanical drawing of my hate for Croda, rest assured that the thing I hate more than him, is each and every one of you. Although I hate Croda most of all. Nasty, filthy, horrible little beast. I hate him almost as much as Canadian infantry.

UPDATES!

Yes, it's been three months, so I've played nearly a turn in all my games since the last one.

Joe Shaw is plodding along like the rusty gears in Croda's noggin when he has to puzzle out a particularly-confusing doorknob ("Damn! Another round one..."). He wields a force of hated Canadians, and is blowing up bocage and routing my pack of diaper-wearing BrownieTruppen right and left. Of course, he's only managed to get to one VL in about 20 turns of trying. We hate Shaw.

The Army of Perdition has embarked on a new crusade against that pillock Terence. While normally I wouldn't mention a semi-outre-boarder like he, I bring it up to reiterate how horrid the PanzerLeader scenario was that we abandoned in order to start the new game. Did anyone ever think we'd find such a uselessly Crodastic scenario from one other than the creature itself? We hate PanzerLeader.

jdmorse is finally dying-a-little in the Rune abortion which has saddled me with more Canadians. I killed his StuG real good last turn by flinging a burning sack of back bacon on the rear deck. I hope BTS hasn't modelled the Geneva convetion, or I could be in trouble for that move. We hate Rune.

Seanachai has finally appeared. And he's got some MGs as pickets, plus (shockingly!) some on-map mortars. Gee, I wonder if those could possibly be M1917s, you gamey bastard? Remember how I roasted Cpl. Yarblefondler last game, or whatever the feck his name was. You'll get more of the same. We hate the uberGnome.

And last (but least), we have Lars. No, I've done nothing in this game since ruthlessly drilling (easy there, St. B) his Hetzer through the front glacis from a speeding Hellcat. As far as I'm concerned, it's already a moral victory. And with jury duty earlier this week being like two days off, except with uncomfortable chairs and standing in line, plus being dismissed right at lunch the second day to revel in a glorious unseasonably-spring-like day in DC, with the coeds skating around the open rink in the National Gallery Sculpture Garden in tight little midriff-baring tops in the bright, flat winter light... I've just been in too good a mood to waste it on a pillock like Lars. Or the rest of you idjits. We'd hate Lars, too, but I saw Lord of the Rings at the Uptown the other night on the huge surround screen, and we just can't be bothered.

Agua Perdido

[Edited to note that Croda is a brainless prat.]

[ January 31, 2002, 11:47 AM: Message edited by: Agua Perdido ]