BilgeRat

Aaarrgh! Belay that ye scurvy ridden plagiarist! If'n ye thinks tha ye can don tha nautical attire wi'out serving ye time as cabin boy 'n deck scrubber ye've taken leave o' yer sences. Tha talk o' tha pirates n' other scum o' tha sea do after tha BilgeRat has compleat 'is task is tha "Blub, blub, blub...." fra davy jones locker.

Aaarrgh! Tha baltic eel Hortlhund is proving t' be slippery. He bombarded tha Rat's line with a carronade for many hours then formed 'is men in a column that would make Boney proud. Now tha thin line of me sturdy marines has begun ta flay 'is column with ball n' shot n' shell. All that can be heard from 'is side of tha hill is some muttered mumbo jumbo like "operashunal paws" or somesuch. So tha Rat continue ta swill 'is grog n' wait....

Aaarrgh! Tis little wonder that tha targets o Hortlhund’s crusade cannot be seen to be quaking. For as tha outerboards groan under a deluge o’ Hortlhund’s verbiage tha despatches that quote ‘is own do in most cases it seems compare ‘is mental competence with that of a barnacle. No doubt Hortlhund in this does attempt t’ gain authority for ‘is vendetta against tha many right thinkin’ folk who give ‘is despatches tha tiny consideration they deserve. They need not fear. For Hortlhund will no doubt draw ‘is crusade out as far ‘as it will go, tedium will be tha lot o’ ‘is victims ‘as ‘e employs tha strategems o’ ‘is profession to tha battle. Tha Rat be most concern’d t’ learn o’ Hortlhund’s endeavour ta get athwart tha Pole n’ tha Mace. Such may have a nautical tone but methinks tha Articles of War would ensure ‘e would swing from tha yardarm were he to succeed. Mayhap he should anyway. Mr Spkrs plight ‘as concern’d tha Rat. Take tha advice o’ an old sea rat. When it seems that sleep be hard ta come by I turn t’ tha Collected Works Of Gaylord Focker an’ soon be slumbering in me bunk. I advise tha consumption o’ a tincture for settling tha bowels before taking up tha sleep inducing tome as on occasions tha digestion may be affected. Aaarrgh!

Aaarrgh! Hortlhund! For godssake man, have yer fleets hulls scraped, tha weed n' barnacled hulls are retardin' their progress. Me fine marines n' sailors are swillin' tha grog n' soon tha Rat'll be breakin' inta a fine sea chantey ifn ye don't shake a leg.

Aaarrgh! Well Hortlhund ye must of purchased yer commission in some regiment o' deperates for e'en tha bumbling poltroons of tha Swedish Navy would no have awarded such a snivelling buffoon as yerself. Ye have lost yer audience right here, for who amongst us thinks of you as any but a capering scurvy ridden clown bereft o' yer wits. Yer miserable "Oh I blew up my own powder magazine" wouldna have worked fer Villaneuve at Trafalgar n' it won't fer tha likes o' yerself now. At least a Frenchy would cut n' run. But ye weasel yer way n preen belike a slippery bewigged 'gentleman' o' tha law. n thats a species that deserv'd a 24 pounder shot in tha guts more than e'en a Frenchy.

Aaaarrgh! n' Aaarrggh! again with feeling at Hortlhund's mangling o tha nautical vernacular which one must deplore e'en more than tha Rat's own. It seems this Hortlhund's grasp o' naval warfare is as lacking as twere in his 18th (not 17th you rum sodden Swedish lubber) century countrymen. This bodes well for tha Rat for no doubt he'll run his ancient galleons upon me reefs and 'is poor overburdened frigates will founder under tha weight of their armaments. Speakin' of weighty matters where be tha cetacean Mr Boo_R. Tha Rat is in tha throws o purchase a fine fleet o whaling ships to put paid to 'is blowing n' blustering.

Aaaarrgh! Thaar he blows! Well now Mister Boo_R 'tis not tha habit o' 'is Majesties Navy to go whalin' but ifn one gets in tha ships way tha Rat will happily employ tha bow chasers. An 18 pounder roun'shot should silence yer blowhole which ye seem eager to vent without duly considerin' tha foul stench o your wind.

Aaarrgh! Reveal'd in all 'is 'glory' tha Frenchness of this fellow. Twere not enough t' subject us to 'is filibuster and 'is moonin' o'er some dockyard doxy. Now he takes a change in tha wind and cravenly skulks back inta port. Aaarrgh! Belay that scurvy skulkin' For 't seems this Hortlhund be by nature French and lubber. Afore ye cut n' run ye must answer t tha Rat.

Aaaarrgh! Tis time for a sea shanty methinks Maid of Amsterdam (Hortlhund's Lament) In Amsterdam there lived a maid Mark you well what I say! In Amsterdam there lives a maid, And this fair maid the language flayed. Chorus I'll go no more a duelin', with you fair maid. A dueling, A dueling, since dueling's been my ru-i-in, I'll go no more a dueling, with you fair maid. Her verse be unlike any knight Mark you well what I say Her verse be unlike any knight, And that was to Sean-a-chai's delight. Chorus I told this fair maid to take a walk, Mark well what I do say I told this maid to take a walk That we might stop this creepy stalk. Chorus Alas I took this fair maid's glove, Mark well what I do say Alas I took this fair maid's glove Instead of giving her a shove. Chorus Then a great ugly Utahman rammed my bow Mark well what I do say For a great ugly Utahman rammed my bow, And said, "Young man, dis bin mein vrow!" Chorus Then take warning boys, from me, Mark well what I do say! So take a warning, boys, from me, With mormon wives don't make too free. Chorus

Aaaarrgh! There be no suprise that this Swede has gone stark raving mad for it is a trait of 'is nation it seems. Tha Kingdom of Sweden is renown for tha "history's greatest warships" that soon grace the bottom of tha sea. History's greatest shipwrecks morelike. When tha Baltic fishes observed tha Swedish fleet sailing forth twas they would soon be feastin' upon the crews. Even a longboat, of which a 10 foot variety does not exist, crewed by trusty British tars, who supped grog not "ale", would be a match for one of Sweden's "history's greatest shipwrecks" so long as 'twere manned by Swedes who would founder it at the first tack. For why would tha BilgeRat concern hisself with the Swedes "Mars" or her fellow clownships of the greatest show aflotsam like Vasa, Kronan or Sverdat. Better HMS Mars, which took the French Hercule, fought to gallant victory at Trafalgar and was with Lord Saumarez when he brought 'is fleet to save the misbegotten ingrates: the Swedes. This Hortlhund's an insolent cur who will soon rue 'is empty bluster. You can expect my despatch forwith.

Aaaarrgh! Damme, it's no suprise to see Hortlhund all abashed afore tha BilgeRat. Gazing at the deck and shuffling 'is feet like some midshipman hauled up before the Cap'n for dereliction. No amount of muttering under 'is breath about bananas and such like can hide the fact that the rum sodden buffoon named some his bathtoys "Victory" and "Mars" sullying the name of these fine ships which fought on the glorious 21st of October and pon the latter poor George Duff met 'is end (rest 'is soul). Why Moriarty 'as the rights of it, hanging is too good for him, a 150 lashes is more likeit (keelhauling bein' not quite the same spectacle, if you get my meaning).

Aaaarrgh! This is piracy! Surely the articles of war have something to say about this brazen act. A more bungling and buffoonish attempt at a nautical theme could not be imagined. Lord Nelson'd be rising up from 'is very grave at the name of his flagship being attached to such an undertaking. Not only taken, but used to name a vessel manned by those high seas galoots, the Prussians. This Hund fellow is no sea dog. His Norse ancestry diluted by generations of breeding with some landlocked race. Probably Austrians or Bavarians by the cut of 'is jib. Upon further perusal, article 33 probably applies in this case: "If any flag officer, captain, or commander, or lieutenant belonging to the fleet, shall be convicted before a court martial of behaving in a scandalous, infamous, cruel, oppressive, or fraudulent manner, unbecoming the character of an officer, he shall be dismissed from His Majesty's service." This Lt Horthund's despatch is all of these things, most especially of the "cruel" part. For more appropriate punishment, article 29 might apply: "If any person in the fleet shall commit the unnatural and detestable sin of buggery and sodomy with man or beast, he shall be punished with death by the sentence of a court martial." For he has surely buggered up something. Stringing up from the yardarm would be a mercy compared the punishment this scurvy lubber deserves

Aaarrgh! "BilgeRat to the quarterdeck" this does bellow. Me muse 'as been malign'd by some twittering lubber whose bungled 'is way orf the broad highway and mumbles away in 'is squalor.

Aaarrgh! Sludge, enough of your sympathy for those in perpetual shore leave. Or is trying to sink me fleet with musket fire to much of a challenge for your Frenchness. Back to the task at hand you scurvy dilletante.

Aaarrgh! Sludge. Sludge is being French. Of Sludge's Frenchness there can be no dispute. The Rat observes no hail from the Sludge in tha Cess regarding our little bingle. Can it be (wonders the Rat) that Sludge is coy about 'is Frenchness. Oh, no indeed. The fellow absolutely wallows in it. The Rat is most put out at having to command flighty Prussians to put Sludge's French to the sword. Some sturdy British tars would have soon set the French Sludge to rights. The sea veritably swarms with Sludge's troop transports and gunboats. Sludge is being the French in certainty, playing the role to the hilt. Meandering one of 'is transports round and round within musket shot of my Prussians while the rest of his fleet stalks just within cannon range. Now I must contend with a nasty Sludge outbreak in the midst of me fleet. Courtesy of a pell mell round the flank advance by 'is transports. Though the sea is awash with the wreckage and flotsam of his transports, thanks to the steady work of my gunners, by some miracle of Frenchness the troops aboard survived all but unscathed an' now occupy one of me forts. Not happy with this display of Frenchness Sludge wanders a vessel, with it's guns blasted off their mountings but still seaworthy, back and forth like a cheap Portsmouth doxy to attract the attention and fire of me men. Aaaarrgh! But this is not the end of it. In the 'piece de resistance' to use 'is damnable lingo, Sludge has stiffened up his French forces with some British lads. How can I know this you ask, when they were at least a couple of miles away? Well, upon entering some trees they raised their ensign. Now the blood runs from 'is scuppers and the French are dieing at the very muzzles of me guns.

Plagiarist!

Bah! I mean Aaarrgh! Jeffrey Farnol is it? What poppycock! You will rue the day you wrote such a jibe as even now I dust off long forgotten masterpieces of early 20th century popular fiction The Broad Highway, The Amateur Gentleman.... Oh yes indeed, forsooth, prithee...... You are sorely mistaken if you think I would waste good British gunpowder on the likes of such a cowardly and craven buffoon as Shaw. I have no wish to endure the tedium of pursueing Shaw through his archipelago of quibbles. Tha BilgeRat has never served aboard a pirate nor even a privateer such as those that populate the pages penned by the likes of Sabatini or Farnol. HM Navy employs many forms of punishment but keelhauling is not among them. Such ignorance is not a suprise coming from a bungler whose nautical themed thread foundered at the first post. I dare not for fear of apoplexy mention further the infamous rendering of the Articles of War. Literary might O'brian be but 'is dialogue is hardly more authentic than that of Farnol and Co. The most fervent and virulent wrath I cultivate for the French...those pests of the human race and their ilk. Like Monsewer Jefferey the blustering braggart still cowering in his harbour fearful of the British broadsides. I suppose that if a crustacean crawled forth from the Sludge some sport might be had wacking it with a marline-spike. Let us hope Sludge by name, sludge by nature don't apply to it's playing style as it does to it's gelatinous prose. On the subject of prose, I note the latest addition to the ship's livestock, the Yak (misindentified by the ignorant as a donkey), was almost tolerable when spouting verse but has all but run aground now. It's fawning over the more decrepit members of the crew seems to have attracted the attention of Mace.....

Aaarrgh!! Well he's styled hisself cap'n for this voyage but thanks be that the British Navy isn't led by creatures of his ilk. For as Shaw skulked behind the petticoats of the 'Code Duello', Boney would be landing on a British shore. Just what were the Lords of the Admiralty thinking when they allowed Shaw to launch the ship on this commission. Methinks 'tis more like some geographical milestone was passed and by virtue of tradition the most lackwitted clown in the ships company appointed a fiction of a captain. This buffoon who brays for harsh punishment in messdeck courts martial yet scurries below at the first sight of a hostile sail should be hisself flogged around the fleet. The Code Duello pertains to the ordered settlement of disputes between gentlemen of honour not some lowerdecks dispute involving such as Shaw, who blights this ship by virtue of a rum soked press gang stumbling across a travelling fair and impressing tha bearded lady amidst the other freaks. Shaw is no gentleman, never was, never will be. His dodging and weaving marks him as no more than a blackhearted poltroon. For his cowardice he should be forced to run the gauntlet of his shipmates in which each one should bludgeon him in turn. This talk of the French turns the stomache, no suprise they are pondscum.

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Berlichtingen: Ah! One of my favorite subjects. See that door over there? Yes, that one. Please allow it to hit you in the ass on the way out. SOD OFF!<hr></blockquote>Well Brown, I'm unsuprised to note your fearful response at word of the prison hulk formerly HMS Sturmovik. Tis without doubt that you are a prime candidate for incarceration within it's rotting hull. There along with all the other defaulters, rejects and mutineers would you reside. Your antics at daubing yourself in red and prancing about the decks with a trident were intend'd to occur only upon the ship crossing the Equator. Carrying on like Neptune hisself will earn you a spell in HMS Sturmovik or worse still transport to the Antipodes.

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Joe Shaw: ... Couldn't have said it better myself. Was there a POINT to this post or did he wander in here thinking this was the Patrick O'Brien Wannabe Thread?<hr></blockquote>Sergeant! One of the convicts appears to have escaped from the Sturmovik prison hulk. Take the odious little fellow into custody.

Aaaarrgh! Masthead reports an object in the sea Damme, what's this? A spaniard in a biscuit barrel! Botswain, the speaking trumpet if you please. Ahoy there! What ship? El Cuco! Who commands? Capitán Sancho! Ugh! I have heard of this lubber Sancho. As mad as a hatter, he occasionally escapes incarceration and launches a vermin infested navigation hazard such as this. Captain Sancho! Your vessel is a hazard, we will take you aboard Mr Jones, have a line passed to this Sancho and haul him aboard. Ensure that he recieves a good dunking, his 'vessel' looks to be crawling with vermin of all sorts which we don't want to accompany him. Detail two of the marines to take him under guard. Mr Braithwaite, when Sancho is aboard we will exercise the guns on this flotsam. Any vessel launched by this fellow is unfit to grace the sea.

Aaaarrgh! "Never mind manoevres, always go at them."- Admiral Lord Nelson

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Iron Chef Sakai: and the bar once again has been raised on stupidity, haha,....so what were you trying to say?? sounded kind of like, this thread is supposed to be humorous dammit!!! i am funny!!! people like me cause some guy named knight of the dungeon and dragons room said i'm cool!! Hanns don;t you have some star trek forum to be posting on instead?<hr></blockquote>Aaaaaargh! What have we here then? What's your name sonny? WokBoy Eh? aside Ugh! I can't understand a bleedin' thing the little fellow says. Must be some damned foreigner. Probably French by all the posturing. *looks around for a pool attendant or lifeguard* Well WokBoy, I am afraid your out of your depth here, the kiddies swimming area and paddling pool are over there. *points in the direction of the general forum* Run along now there's a good little fellow. You wouldn't want to fall in the deep end. aside 'orrible little brat. The boy needs a damn good thrashing.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tha South Seas Parrot: You double moron - Fruits are vegetable!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Aaarrgh! Reminds one of tha arguments I used to have with Joseph Banks aboard tha Endeavour "I declare sir that the bosun is a vegetable" "Well that may be since he was hit by that falling spar he, is but before that he was a fruit" A fruit being the ripened seed-bearing part of a plant when fleshy and edible or more exactly the mature ovary of a plant which is a vehicle for reproduction. A vegetable being a herbaceous plant cultivated for an edible part, as roots, stems, leaves or flowers. Or you may say a vegetable is the edible stems, leaves, and roots of the plant excepting the fruit.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jshandorf Two conscript squads my ass...alternate whineing rationalisation and chest beating bluster from the closet Frenchman blah blah..I am...utterly uninspiring...flat and boring...a canned piece of crap..smelly..."The Lamest..." etc etc Piss off, Monsewer Jefferey<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Aaarrgh! Damme me, off station victualling in Gibraltar and the Frenchman attempts to run the blockade. Thankfully Mister Spkr was alert and with a couple of well aimed broadsides sent him scurrying back into Toulon like the cowardly French he aspires to be. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by the South Seas Parrot You know there are parts of the world where that would mean that Guano... squawk...insipid innuendo... squawk<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Whomsoever let that damme parrot sneak aboard should be taken to task. The Cap'n should detail someone to teach it to speak, the constant squawking of the same old tune is making the crew mutinuous.