I wanna be sedated by the Peng Challenge

[David Aitken]

Leeo wrote:

> Mr.(and I use that term loosely (sit down, bauhaus))Aitken is trying to decide if he really wants to advance against an opponent who handed him his ass on a dark, rainy night.

I made that decision long ago – at the same time as I elected to blow the crap out of your men before mine got anywhere near them. I have a growing affection for 25lb batteries...

[dalem]

As much as I like reading Dame Aitken's posts about blowing other men, it's time for me to shake the drool off of my chin and step up. MEEKS, you diet-soda drinking seat-sniffer, have at you! I need a break from categorizing all of my porn downloads, so I offer a small QB. So put the used prophylactics back in your top drawer and begin killing me.

[Leeo]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by David Aitken:

Welcome to the Peng Thread, incorporating Everything You Never Wanted To Know About R.E.M.! Enjoy your visit!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Isn't R.E.M an anacronym for "Remove Everyone's Manhood?"

[Lawyer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Marlow:

Finally, Mr. Big Shot Gub'ment Lawyer, seeing as we are both employed in the True Cesspool AKA N.W. Washington DC, a place crawling with corporate whores, slicked-back lobbyist, lazy GS scale lawyers, scum bag pols, etc… I believe that a battle for mastery of this den of inequity is in order. Send me your worst.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Marlow, you are a piss ant. A feckin' N-O-B-O-D-Y. Got it??

Probably living in one of those $450k box houses out in Vienna, hoping you can get up at 4am to snag a parking space at the Metro so you can sniffle with the other slugs all the way downtown. Just another Marion Berry Nightowl wannabee.

If your were a REAL Washington player, you would be in jail or rich or both. I would certainly have seen your mug in the Post.

But NOOOO... You're here in the Land of Losers looking for cheap recognition from the Hands of the Law. I've stepped on better cockroaches than you. Hell, I could spit out my window and water your lawn if you didn't have your open mouth there first.

I've had my eye on Joe Shaw for a while as my next victim (surprised Joe?). To kill a Marlow, while gratifying in its own right, would distract me from my holy mission of solving America's gas problem once and for all.

But you deserve it. That is, if you can show up to play turns. From what I read, you disappear more than David Copperfield humping a new trick assistant. Unlike the dorks you've played before, however, I can easily come over and pee on your doorstep.

So think again before risking all by taunting the Law. Are you slug enough to face the REAL Lawyer??

[dalem]

MEEKS!!! You are as a wet and shiney new turd to me. I have offered you filet mignon and you have treated it like an RC and a Moon Pie.

Your box is full. And while that is something I'm usually saying to your sister on "Twofer Tuesdays", tonight it just doesn't have the same meaning.

Get a real ISP and call me in the morning.

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jd:

Berlimoss seems to forget we have a game going or else a file has gone askew, either coming (bauhaus, out) or going.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Haven't seen anything from you in ages. I dumped my old ISP, so send your last file to my new address

[Roborat]

Just thought I would do a driveby, as I haven't posted in this thread yet, and it is getting to be almost as big as the original pengies. Just thought I would gloat for a bit. For those who I am playing, no I didn't get my turns out last night, I was too busy getting my ears cleared sonically. That's right, I was one of the priveledged few to latch onto AC/DC tickets and enjoyed myself immensely. That's right, I saw the gods of Rock for the third time. I even took my young son. Have to brainwash them young, or they start to listen to Britney Spews and N'stink and those other fake pop bands.

In other news, Speedy continues to kick my ass all over the map, to such a degree that I am actually starting to enjoy it. I have given up on this one, and with only 7 turns left, am trying merely to take as many of his men down with me as possible. With particular attention to that bloody AT gun, which singlehandedly managed to destroy my entire battleplan.I will get it, if it costs what few remaining units I have left.

Screw the score, I want that gun dead!

The neverending battle with Foobar proceeds (sort-of). We have finally reached the halfway point (spontaneous cheering and gasps of disbelief from all sides, as well as the exchanging of money from various wagers) and have traded a useless inf gun (mine) for a sherman, I don't think it even got a shot off, but did continue with my plan to force his Sherman 76 to use up all it's ammo. Plus I have scared the crap out of his greyhound, who blundered into one of my armour traps at VERY short range, he may not be dead, but I'll guarantee he is deaf, and several pounds lighter.

Also playing in early stages of several non-pool games, but as they are non poolers they don't count if I am winning, and they are obviously cheating if they are winning, as per usual.

How the hell did iskandodohead manage to get to be a knnniggiittt so fast, he is still a newby???

Congratulations to Hiram, who is now entered in the legends of CMBO, to be remembered forever as one of the few, the elite, one of the incredibly talented tactical masterminds who managed to loose so badly that they don't get a single point. You don't fool me, it takes tactical skill to pull that off. Your games will be studied for generations, doctorate dissertations will be devoted to analyzing your military legacy, statues of you will grace town squares. I salute you, it takes a rare, brilliant and unique skill to manage that elusive feat. :eek: :eek: :eek: you are truely a god, and my new hero and role model (right after Sir Meeks, of course).

[ 04-27-2001: Message edited by: Roborat ]

[Seanachai]

Ahem.

I regret that, life commitments being what they have been lately (some of you, perhaps many of you, should understand the concept, or, at least, the concept of being committed for life), I have not been able to read or post to this rather exalted, er...body of badly de-evolved spin-doctor failures. I plan to rectify (I see you looking a bit unsure, Bauhaus, but it only sounds suggestive, so you were right to remain seated, if you'll forgive the implied pun) this situation this weekend, when I will compile a creditable chemical mix and get caught up on all the high, middle, and low thoughts of this exalted Thread.

But I found it necessary to step (carefully) in tonight to announce my First Ever loss to the Artist Still Known as Berli. In a test scenario that was quite intriguing, with a rather nicely done map, Berli, playing the brave and daring French, did quite rudely and in a style befitting Parisian waiters maul, manhandle, and finally brutalize my gang of somewhat assertive and arrogant German tourists, who had come to the wine country seeking naughty books in the local library. Their credit cards were seized and overcharged, they were insulted to their faces, and, finally, the survivors all went into the nick and are demanding to speak to the local German consulate.

Now, after 3 straight wins against the Evil One (did I mention that I've previously defeated Berli in every game we've played?), I have finally been defeated. How, you might ask? Quite simply: because my opponent failed to indulge in gamey play of any sort. Oh, yes, I sense eyebrows going up out there in cyberspace (and, with most of you, immediately running into the hairline of your sloping foreheads). How can this be? Any reader, even the most casual, of this Thread, the Main Board, or even the New Yorker, is so alerted to gamey play that their every tactical decision is based on a bristling watchdog mentality designed to cope with and defeat the inevitable 'gamey' play of their opponents.

I was, as I say, alert for this ever present danger, so reminiscent of my childhood when I was taught that Communists lurked in even the most secure and intimate recesses of my life and environment, resulting, ultimately, in my inability to indulge in carnal relations without first checking the entire area for subversive voyeurs reading Mao (this behaviour thoroughly documented and on file, as I discovered as a by-product of the 'Freedom of Information Act', which allowed me access to the surveillance footage of every aspect of my life compiled by my own government, who have me constantly on camera peering under beds, peeking into closets, and checking for listening devices before settling down to hold up with one hand an album cover depicting the young Grace Slick). So, in the spirit of a McCarthy-ist "I hold in my hands, ladies and gentlemen, absolute proof that there are Gamey Players in the American State Department!", I was so fixated on the possibility...nay, certainty that it was only moments before I would be subjected to 'gamey' play, that I could hardly focus on what actually occured in the game.

Taking advantage of this conspiracy/bunker-mentality angst, Berli, as usual, merely played through the scenario using tactics consistent with the historical time-frame, sound military logic, and the units at his disposal. After weeks of reading the current Combat Mission Board, I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually unprepared to deal with such an approach, and so, went down to defeat.

Let this serve as a warning to all the other players out there: It is still possible that, against all logic and expectation, you might face an opponent who is a tactics-using, historically aware, game loving sack of ****e, rather than the enlightened, 'gamey', winning-is-more-important-than-playing opponent that we have come to expect, and even embrace.

I think, now, that I have done my duty as a Combat Mission player and a Peng Challenge Thread member to reveal Berli for what he is. Beware! And beware of those like him! Oh, and remember, children, to describe anyone who defeats you fairly as 'gamey'. This helps us distinguish between those who use 'gamey' and therefore expected and acceptable tactics against us, as opposed to those bastards who use legitimate tactics against us unexpectedly, and therefore in a 'gamey' manner.

While it's true that here in the Peng Challenge Thread we are all about the satire, we are also about the frothy bubbles that form, scintillate, and burst above the very 'Cess' itself. Others may yearn, others may spurn, but only we are the Peng Challenge Thread, and we will define the genre. Whatever your approach to the concept of 'gamey', remember, this is the Peng Challenge Thread, and whatever we may say to each other, and about each other, we smite each other like gentlemen, and however vulgar we may get, we are not the Main Board. If you cannot find Honour amongst boasters, liars, and vulgarians, then where can it be found? In Politics?

Lorak, Proclaim it:

Seanachai: long-winded, pontificating, but significant contributor: Loss

Berli: evil, untrustworthy, suspect, but musically apt: Win.

The rest of you lot, and especially you Peng Challenge Thread recent arrival boat people, my rather worn footgear needs buffing. Tongue it.

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lawyer:

<worthless ravings omitted>Tell us how the rule of perpetuities works, ya git.

If I remember my Property class, it has something to do with how some people, like you, perpetually SUCK.

Now, as I said earlier, go blow a goat. It is likely to be more rewarding and entertaining than your normal evening lifestyle.

[KMHPaladin]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Leeo:

Isn't R.E.M an anacronym for "Remove Everyone's Manhood?"<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

No, as far as I know, REM the band based their name on the abbreviation REM for "Rapid Eye Movement" - as in "REM Sleep."

[Phillies Phan]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Seanachai:

Ahem.

Tongue it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Sir, I would thank you to keep your tawdry comments to a minimum. Your inuendos are not welcome or even understood. Begone or I might be forced to wash your keyboard.

[Berlichtingen]

Lorak!

As Seanachai stated, and I restate in the event that wading through his length post be too tiring...

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Seanachai: long-winded, pontificating, but significant contributor: Loss

Berli: evil, untrustworthy, suspect, but musically apt: Win. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

[Berlichtingen]

Is anyone other than myelf becoming suspicious as to the motives of Madbaldy? I think he is using this thread to see what the new forum software can handle... and they will blame us when it crashes.

[Mace]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lawyer:

Einstein never dreamed of numbers so large

....REAL Lawyers....<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'd prefer if you wouldn't use Einstein and Lawyer in the same post! =/

Mace

[Mace]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Roborat:

I was one of the priveledged few to latch onto AC/DC tickets and enjoyed myself immensely<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Bow to the mighty Aussies!

[Geier]

It seems as if I will be without an ISP for a few days. Expect returned files on Sunday.

Maybe. Life sucks and so do you.

[Speedbump]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

Sigh. I see...I challenge you, you remarkable example of consumate wargaming skill.

MrSpkr

[ 04-27-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Well, as usual I leap before I look. While mildly amused at MrSpkr's ability to write in complete sentences (not a requirement, I've been told, for one in the legal profession), I failed to note that this example of foot & mouth disease was a Sooner fan! Normally, all he would be good for is collecting the nightsoil of his betters.

However, for the honor of my Patron, I will accept the challenge and prove to you that you over-reached by attempting to gain the attention of Mr. Shaw.

[Iskander]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Roborat:

How the hell did iskandodohead manage to get to be a knnniggiittt so fast, he is still a newby???

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'm still wondering that myself... my guess is was some peculiar combination of beating several Knee-gits in a row, my dazzing wit and erudition on the Holy Mother Thread, and of course, my mind-numbing skill with lyrics.

Or, Lorak was mixing his lithium and ritalin with paxil again and hasn't the slighest notion of what he's doing. To judge from our game, that just may be the best hypothesis.

Alas and alack, My Most Just and Gracious Lord Pro Tem, jd, has chosen to wave his shorts around and show us all his "black spot" making my erection (...nevermind, bauhaus, just keep reading your newsgroups...) to Little Red Knighting Hood (and wasn't that story some sort of cryptic reference to a woman's... well, we'll cover that - so to speak - later) a postponed affair until he can attempt to wreak his revenge (or is it reck his wevenge?) on yours truely. That game, in fact, is shaping up to suck as bad as the we're-all-out-of-ammo excursions that Lorak and PutinNZer and I have taken.

And while there may be other games to mention, I'll only say that Berli is to be presented with one (1) free chit to kiss my white naked ass for sending that damned "Vosges" (and isn't that Mazda's new minivan?) thing for St. Peng of Pods and I to play. Being a gamey nit, sure, I looked at both sides before I started: the Amis are outnumbered by about four or five to one and already flanked. Cool. So, I took the Amis side. Lorak just may as well go ahead and put an asterix next to my name rather than bothering to wait for the inevitable end.

Oh, and if I just spoilt that scenario for anyone else, I once again wave my paw and say, "Bah."

[Speedbump]

Bump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Roborat:

How the hell did iskandodohead manage to get to be a knnniggiittt so fast, he is still a newby<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Through intensive training (read abuse) by my legions of light!

Speedbump

[Agua Perdido]

Just this morning there was a bit on NPR about Roget (of thesaurus fame) and how he would cringe at the way his creation is used to molest the English language. I'm sure that when any scent of the various idjit newbies' postings (more properly: com-postings) wafts past his grave, his corpse spins faster than James Carville.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Seanachai:

Ahem.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Good on ya, mate (as the aussiemandians say).

Now that was a proper way to start the day. Long-winded, windy, winding.... After a few paragraphs, it made me want to put my own eyes out so I wouldn't have to keep reading it.

Speedbump, welcome to the family. You'll find Joe Shaw a benevolently sadistic master, full of warm intentions and vile imprecations. Possibly the other way around.

Anyhow, be a good lad and fetch me a bucket of striped paint and a left-handed smoke shifter from behind the stable. I've also been mixing up a batch of soap from an extract of castor beans, why don't you use it to clean up? Of course you don't need gloves...

UPDATES!

Well, hardly anything to report, since I've been slacking off on all my games and most of the opponents I've been slacking on are gibbering twits who deserve no notice from me, much less turns. At any rate...

The AI seems to be continuing OpLiz on its own, as my uber-random mini-QB with Goanna gave me a SMG platoon and a StuG and him a Brit pioneer platoon and a Stuart V! Oh, the pain. At least it continued the embarassment by putting a large heavy building on my side of the map where it dominates the VL and a flimsy carboard lean-to at the end of an open field on his side of the VL. One of my men tripped on a paving stone and skinned his knee, so at least it won't be 100-0.

Leeo is a prating dullard, but I might actually respond to a move today. I'm tempted to make him wait another week, but I love showdowns and my lone armor is facing off with a Hetzer and a PzIV, each on a hilltop in its own corner of the map. Probably everyone will pop smoke and nothing'll happen. Our game is just that exciting...

stevetherat can look forward to actually getting his setup back from me in the next day or two. I'm making him wait extra as a birthday present. Bastard.

Seanachai is next in line (he actually said he might not be able to reply to my move until yesterday. Heh. I haven't even opened his file... ehheeeheh) for a multi-company-size attack. I note he's taken the Brits; years of public school attendance has hardened their ears so that they'll be able to take his orders without dozing or pulling their own heads off in protest.

Croda? He still hasn't moved. He's still losing. He's still a brainless prat. I'll probably be a kaaaaannniggit by the time he sends another turn.

DekeFentle is last in line (as he must be in most things, I imagine). He gave me the attack, and the map is, predictably, another pool table. I'll set that one up Real Soon Now.

Scorn for the rest of you louts, the literate ones, at least. Can't be bothered with the rest.

Agua Perdido

[Joe Shaw]

Bah! ... the untimely intrusion of real life and an poorly timed attempt by BTS to clean the waters here (as IF...) prevented me from properly instructing my young and inexperienced squire Speedbump. I see that he has taken upon himself the burden (and burden it would be) of playing the foul MrSpkr in my stead. While I appreciate the loyalty, proactivity and enthusiasm shown by Speedbump, I must publicly berate him as well. It is the duty of Knight to offer correction as well as praise.

Speedbump, MrSpkr is beneath my contempt. I engaged in conversation with him as an act of kindness and continued to demolish his trivial arguments while they amused me ... which wasn't long, but then I'm easily bored. Your acceptance of his challenge ON MY BEHALF gives legitimacy to him and his DEMAND that I play him. He has managed to show up here, on the Mutha Beautiful Thread, for a matter of days. I have resided here and contributed for MONTHS. He has no right to DEMAND anything. In the future, you will engage in combat on my behalf only if I direct you to do so. In short **KICK!** With that said, you have accepted the challenge and I now expect and require that you will fufill your duties promptly and victoriously. Come home with your shield lad ... or on it.

I note also that Lawyer has either challenged me or is contemplating doing so, he is, obviously, a lawyer and actually determining intent from anything he posts is problematical at best. I would inform Lawyer that I am well over my budget for games at present and that he is not even the first attorney on my list. In other words ... get in line pal and wait your turn, which should be good training for your future on the soupline after your efforts have ruined the country.

Finally, I note with approval the return of Hakko Ichiu, if not to the thread then at least to the arena of combat. I'd also like to thank Seanachai for favoring us with another fine example of verbosity without content.

Joe

[Speedbump]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Bah!

Speedbump, MrSpkr is beneath my contempt. Your acceptance of his challenge ON MY BEHALF gives legitimacy to him and his DEMAND that I play him. ... In short **KICK!** Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

{Cringing, groveling in the dirt} Master, this supplicant is in grievious error! I was simply trying to eliminate the distraction that MrSpkr represents. Your time is better spent contemplating the meaning of Peng and spreading the your wisdom among the illiterate masses which reside in the Pool!

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> With that said, you have accepted the challenge and I now expect and require that you will fufill your duties promptly and victoriously. Come home with your shield lad ... or on it.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Of this I have little fear, for MrSpkr is a ... {in hushed tones}... a Sooner! Sooners are well known to be unable to function coherently (with the exception of interfamily relations).

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Agua Perdido:

Speedbump, welcome to the family. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I offer my most sincere gratitude. I wish only to follow in your most formidable path.

Speedbump

[Croda]

Suppor the Hi Mom™ revolution on the main board. Visit the Fantastic things thread.

And I know I all of you turns. Blow it out your arse and see my post from a few pages ago, stooooopid idjits.

[Mark IV]

Well, Earthstink has managed to get their fiber optics trunk severed, so my ISP was down last night and continues to be. If you sent me a turn I didn't see it yet. You probably died, unless you're Geier, in which case you ought to. I had to play the Pinball game that comes with Windows (I made Ensign, hehe, 5.3 million points... I could make a Hiram joke here, but I'm above that sort of thing).

Speaking of severed trunks, Meeks has not sent me a turn in so long that, if he ever does, he will find that both sides belong to NATO and are allies now.

Aitken, you have fallen for total maskirovka, and while any pejoratives following or preceeding the word "meeks" are welcome, you'll need to get over it. It's not, after all, the End of the World As We Know It.

It is nice to see that Seanachai can still fit more into a parenthetical remark than I cram into a complete user manual for big expensive things.

"Cram" provides another nice segue... in this case, to all of my cessy colleagues.

[Lawyer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

I note also that Lawyer has either challenged me or is contemplating doing so, he is, obviously, a lawyer and actually determining intent from anything he posts is problematical at best. I would inform Lawyer that I am well over my budget for games at present and that he is not even the first attorney on my list. In other words ... get in line pal and wait your turn, which should be good training for your future on the soupline after your efforts have ruined the country.

Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Joe, we know you strive every day to prove that pompous verbosity does not connote mental acuity. The above demonstation of your dulled powers of comprehension is thus unnecessary.

Be assured that when the Long Arm of the Law comes to get you, even YOU will be able to understand what is happening. No squires, just a little violent heart-to-heart between you and the Consiglioi.

Your use of the word "attorney" in reference to me, while technically accurate, is also a disservice to the Cesspool Community. To wit, I am not an "attorney" in the normal sense of robbing individual clents as does jd and his ilk.

Rather, I am a Washington Lawyer who makes up laws and ethics to suit me as I perform my various public services. To put it in terms even a shylock like you might understand, I am to the law what usury is to interest rates -- bigger, badder, and largely uncontrolled.

But there are far more critical reasons why you must ultimately Die at the Hands of the Law...

Joe, the sheer volume of bloated gas that you emit from the Rocky Mountains is causing severe climatic changes and related health problems here on the East Coast. The local TV channels are calling it the "El Shaw" effect. Life-giving oxygen, not to mention natural bovine and swamp gas, is being driven from the atmosphere in alarming quantities by unnaturally high levels of toxic Shaw Gas.

This is not a trifle matter, Joe. Each morning, my dear child awakes, gagging and hacking, to ask: "Pops, can you please, please slay Mr. Shaw today so I can breathe again?"

Whaddya say to an innocent kid like that, Joe? "No, dear, Mr. Shaw is too busy emitting and gagging other Cesspool gits around the world. You'll just have to suffer along like the rest of us till he has time to die."

I THINK NOT, SIR! And so, I shall visit upon you the painful retribution you so justly deserve. But it shall be at my whim. Don't fancy yourself important enough to have been challenged by the Lawyer until I slap you in the face.

I'll have my girl call your squire when the time comes.