It Was the Best of PENG CHALLENGES, It Was the Worst of PENG CHALLENGES

[Berlichtingen]

Been without sleep for awhile now (well over 24 hours) and I have been pondering the existance of the useless pillocks of this thread. One name keeps poping into my head as particularly useless... Sir MacOberMakesMeWantToPukinFuhrer. Where the Hell did we ever dig up this Robert Burns wanabe? He has got to be more worthless than Sir Joe (who until now I had considered the single most worthless git here*).

This series of threads all began because Peng and I (truly enlightened individuals both) took exception to that windbag Seanachai (yes I am bolding his name again) for being a wanabee Cunuck. For some odd reason (advanced alcoholism probably) we have overlooked a wanabee Scot! Now if there is anything more annoying than a Canuck, its a Scot (and most of the Aussies... well, all the Aussies, the Frenchman, the occasional Pommie, the Frenchman, those heel klickin' Krauts, the Frenchman... ok, most of you, but I digress). Something really should be done about... who the Hell was I talking about... oh yeah! Sir MacHaggisEatinFool. Where is that damned Scot wanabee? I feel the need to put the boot in!

*Disclaimer: SSNs are below worthless so don't be thinkin' more of yourselves

[ 08-13-2001: Message never edited by: Berlichtingen... I just felt like pressing buttons (I wonder if the Presidency will be open soon) 'cus I'm bored ]

[ 08-13-2001: Message edited by: Berlichtingen... 'cus I felt the need to edit ]

[ 08-13-2001: Message edited by: Berlichtingen ]

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You are vile

[ 08-13-2001: Message edited by: Berlichtingen 'cus I can]

[ 08-13-2001: Message edited by: Berlichtingen ]

[Lars]

Aaaarrgghhh! I think she was on the boat this weekend! I’ll get you for this Shaw. I’m heating your milk to 109F! Ha, take that!

Mormon Wives, this must be why Berli invented darkness.

Just when I was starting to be able to keep down solid food again too!

[BFCElvis]

Berli, get some sleep.

[CMplayer]

Assaulting SANCHO, my Yanks can already smell

his filthy Cherman zigaretten and hear the

gutteral orc-like grunts that are supposed to

pass for human speech. Sounds and smells

carry far over these bald hills. I hope the

civilians are evacuated, but expect to find

them chained in front of his gun

emplacements. Time will tell.

In other recent news, I played the rematch

against the peerless F-S Trenchknife,

and eked out a minor victory defending

against his swarms of crack/vet Red Devils,

with a numerically inferior force of mostly

reg Gebirgsjägers. So the battledagger trophy

remains firmly in the grip of yers truly.

Anyone who would like to take a waltz in

the Alpine Heights, and suck on 120mm

mortar rounds is welcome to challenge,

not that I expect the regulars here to

care. I'm addressing the lurkers, a more

worthy lot.

Finally, there's the matter of the Goanna-

Elvis challenge bridge map which I'm

playing against Stixx, an Australian

chap who wandered in here by mistake

a while back. It would appear his Krauts

are advancing cautiously, so we're making

tea.

Now before you tell me to sod off, sod off

yourselves.

with warm greetings, and kind wishes,

--rett

[ 08-13-2001: Message edited by: CMplayer ]

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>My loyal and trusty squire Lars was moved to exclaim: Aaaarrgghhh! I think she was on the boat this weekend! I’ll get you for this Shaw. I’m heating your milk to 109F! Ha, take that!

Mormon Wives, this must be why Berli invented darkness. Just when I was starting to be able to keep down solid food again too!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Ah lad, I must apologize. While you ARE my squire it is also true that you are ONLY my squire and not trained in the arcane arts of which I am master ... nor the arcade arts either, you should see me on pinball ... but I digress. The use of Mormon Wives is not to undertaken lightly and will, I fear, NOT be part of your education. I tried to get Agua Perdido to attempt it and, well, you see where that led.

Get some sleep Berli, five edits in two posts must be a personal best for you.

Joe

edited to make Berli feel less of a complete bozo than we know him to be.

[ 08-13-2001: Message edited by: Joe Shaw ]

[Lars]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Mormon Wives...will...NOT be part of your education.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Thank you, my liege, thank you. You are too good to me.

Your loyal Squire,

Lars

[Stixx]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CMplayer:

Stixx, an Australian

chap who wandered in here by mistake

a while back. It would appear his Krauts

are advancing cautiously, so we're making

tea.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Little does he know that my men have been working over time behind enemy lines to spike his imports of tea with LSD.

[ 08-13-2001: Message edited by: Stixx ]

[OGSF]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

Where the Hell did we ever dig up this Robert Burns wanabe? Where is that damned Scot wanabee? I feel the need to put the boot in!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Ye'll bae more'n a wee bat sorry ye decided tae cast ye charcoal ain mah duraicshun, ol' Jimmy MacBerli. Ain answer tae ye firrst foolish quaistion, at were Lorak tha Loathed tha personally ainvited mah aintae thas stankin' pond o' bobbin' waste back ain July last year. Sae ye kin sprinkle ye soot o'er tha frigate bird cough-oop.

As tae puttin' tha boot ain, ye'll haftae tak tha other wun oot o' ye mooth firrst, ye smoulderin' heap o' warmed o'er snot droppins'.

Af'n mah wee springer span'l cam aintae mah hoose wi tha leeks o' yoo hangin' oot at's slobberin' jaw, Ah'd douse ye wi' tha containts o' mah flegm cup, point mah dog's haid oot tha winda an' smack at's arrse wi' tha flat o' mah claymore. An' ye'd bae a fourth class pro-ptoooeeyy-jectile across tha groonds o' mah estate, trailin' a trail o span'l slobber, aintae tha blackberry bushes earmarked fer "Removal bah Conflageration". An' tha fadin' yell o' "Joe Shaw, hailp maaaaaahhh" fraim ye wind flappin' lips wud bae brutally cut short bah tha tearin' *thwump* as ye useless carcass crashed aintae tha prickly thickets. Thain tha last worrds ye wax clogged ears wud hear ain thas earth wud bae "Righty-ho Andrew, ye kin light tha stankin' bushes noo!".

Sae, ye thank ye kin tak mae ain a PBEM di ye? Ah'm surprised ye kin walk laddie, wi' nads tha big. Saind at tae mae thain, an' immidjitly regrait at!

SirMacOberGruppenBloodyStompinSicFeuhrerBastardABCDJimmy

Edited cos...och, at's nae bin edited cos Ah'm feckin' brilliant (an ye're not).

[Lorak]

Good Lord!

Hearing OGSF talk with a mouth full of haggis gives me a headache.

As for the rest of you useless gits. My weekend has sucked. I won't bore anyone with details (I know you don't care). But I could swear I renting on of Berli's summer cottages.

Reguarless. No turns went out this weekend. Hopefully I'll get them all out this evening.

I just can't wait to see how badly Goanna has beat the snot out of me.

Mace wins my most gamey player award for this past week. I'll give you the play of the day, you can decide how much of a gamey cheat he really is.

... a pair of american tanks roll up the hill and into a corn field. They manage to spot a tiger hidden in some scattered trees at about 700-800 meters. One of the allied tanks fires! One shot, one kill. Frontaly against a tiger at 700-800 yards hidden in trees....

Obviously he is a cheating, gamey SOB. I am hoping that BTS fixes or does somfink.

Lorak the loathed

[Mace]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Allow me to continue a CessPool tradition that has been sadly neglected of late, that's right, it's time for WWW.HOTMORMONBABES.COM and their BABE O' THE MONTH<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You post that filth again and I'll spam your ICQ, again!

btw...is it me, or do all these Mormon 'babes' look the same?

Mace

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> An' tha fadin' yell o' "Joe Shaw, hailp maaaaaahhh" fraim ye wind flappin' lips <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Hah! While he might have had sense enough to ask the one who COULD help him, surely he'd have realized, even in the throes of terror, even in the depths of despair that I'd help him when Hell Froze OVER!

Joe

[Mace]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lorak:

Mace wins my most gamey player award for this past week. I'll give you the play of the day, you can decide how much of a gamey cheat he really is.

... a pair of american tanks roll up the hill and into a corn field. They manage to spot a tiger hidden in some scattered trees at about 700-800 meters. One of the allied tanks fires! One shot, one kill. Frontaly against a tiger at 700-800 yards hidden in trees....

Obviously he is a cheating, gamey SOB. I am hoping that BTS fixes or does somfink.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Gamey? Harummph!!!

Lorak, you're honestly telling me you weren't aware of the specific hotkey that allowed Allies to choose from a list of modern military hardware?

The Tiger was knocked off by one of my M1A2 Abrams, which quickly got off a laser range designation followed by an APDS (Depleted Uranium) round.

I expect my MLRS barrage to strike your defenses very shortly, and my Apache Longbows (with MBW Hellfire) will be working the battlefield soon after.

Whoops, gave too much away!!!

Mace

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OGSF:

Ye'll bae more'n a wee bat sorry ye decided tae cast ye charcoal ain mah duraicshun, ol' Jimmy MacBerli.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I don't know what the hell you just said, but you can expect a file shortly

[Seanachai]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

Been without sleep for awhile now (well over 24 hours) and I have been pondering the existance of the useless pillocks of this thread. One name keeps poping into my head as particularly useless... Sir MacOberMakesMeWantToPukinFuhrer. Where the Hell did we ever dig up this Robert Burns wanabe? He has got to be more worthless than Sir Joe (who until now I had considered the single most worthless git here*).

This series of threads all began because Peng and I (truly enlightened individuals both) took exception to that windbag Seanachai (yes I am bolding his name again) for being a wanabee Canuck. For some odd reason (advanced alcoholism probably) we have overlooked a wanabee Scot...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>

Joe Shaw steps up to the microphone, and with glaring, mad eyes, states:

While I cannot take the time to name all those in the Peng Challenge Thread who have been named as members of Australia, I have here in my hand a list waves a sheaf of crumpled, dingy pieces of paper that look suspiciously like betting slips of 205 that were known to the Seniour Knights and Old Ones as being members of the 'nation' of Australia, and who nevertheless are still posting and shaping the community of the Peng Challenge Thread.

And, ladies and gentlemen, ObergruppenStompinFuehrer's name was on that list.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

The other night I found myself sleepless and worrying about whether David Aitkin would spend eternity locked in a simple, featureless room with Jeff Heidman and Colonel Deadmarsh. As Sartre said (Sartre is like The French, but more bitterly incisive and not as witty, nor as well attended by femininity), 'Hell is other people.' Of course, had Sartre spent more time on the Outer Boards, he would have been more specific, and said 'Hell is those people over there,' and waved his own list of 205 names. But I digress.

As I said, I was sleepless and attempting to think of how to reach David's fine, sensitive inner soul (Chisel, I thought? Nail gun?), I suddenly became aware that on the television before me, on the 'All Utah All the Time Cable Network' (500 television channels - good work, Berli, one of hell's better efforts), the rather demented looking man who'd just stepped up to the microphone, caparisoned like George C. Scott in the movie 'Patton', looked disturbingly familiar. It was, in fact, Joe Shaw.

After listening stunned to his damning accusation, I thought to myself: Could it be true? After a quick series of emails to Australia (they always seem to be awake when I should be asleep), the word came back.

Hear it, Oh Berli: OGSF is, in fact, a card carrying Australian.

I thought, how could this be? Are we not both, he and I, in America? But then I caught the end of Shaw's interesting, although totally paranoid and psychotic speech (he was spraying spittle pretty broadly, at this point, and there seemed to be stage handlers trying to approach him with what I'd swear was a taser), and it seemed to sum things up:

The reason why we find ourselves in a position of impotency is not because the Australians have sent men to invade our shores, but rather because of the traitorous actions of those who have had all the benefits that the wealthiest nation on earth has had to offer - the finest homes, the finest college educations, and the finest jobs in Government we can give, and yet live amongst us as secret Australians.

After that, Joe went on to make some fairly confusing points about Barry Goldwater, Sinn Fein, okra, and the duck-billed platypus, but only the remarks about Sinn Fein were repeatable in mixed company.

Wondering what it all meant, and how this tied in with both my campaign to "Crush All Australians", the soul of David Aitkin, and the secret Australians living amongst us, I flipped to the Home Shopping Network. Newly 'burnt' CDs of Shaw's performance were being marketed by MTV, and selling as fast as 'Precious Moments' figurines (as regards the figurines, hat's off again to Berli, another bit of wonderfully executed evil that both drains away income from any useful purpose, and brings a direct connection to hell into the house of everyone who owns them).

And suddenly, it all made sense. The World is, in fact, one giant, horrendous, and impossibly complex conspiracy. And there is absolutely no one behind any of it; no puppet masters pulling strings, no brooding intelligence moving pawns across a board, no ultimate plan being carried out to some ineffable conclusion. Just a massive plot being moved forward by no one at all, to no purpose.

And so, I found I could sleep again. Although as I drifted off I had my doubts about that bit with the duck-billed platypus. I don't think that'd be possible. The scale's all wrong. And Barry Goldwater was a libertarian crazy, not a zoophilist. Still, you never know.

Good night, David and Lorak.

Guten Nacht, Stuka. Goodnight, Mr. Fox. Goodnight Lizard King. Goodnight, Mace, I know you fall asleep by restfully counting Super Models leaping over fences. Goodnight Speedy, care to bet on whether we'll all wake up?

Goodnight to all the peoples of the world, and all the Kiwis lost at sea.

Goodnight, the Newcomers, the wretched refuse yearning to taunt free.

Goodnight the Landsmann; Shandorf, Dekefentle, Lars. Shandorf. Shandorf! Over here, you pillock, that's the mirror!

Goodnight, and a good night may it be,

to all of thee,

you roaring boys,

thou Cesspool Knights,

you lads for an enterprise that has a belly to it,

and belly to soak it up with, i' faith,

you Crodas, you Marlows, Aguas, Iskanders,

you knights who laugh at a little Cess

and move to see, and laugh at the next to go face down

into the muck from which you all rose

Goodnight to you lawyers, billing first amongst equals,

You JD, and you Lawyer, and you, Mr Spkr

Goodnight, Meeks, we place the brick each night upon the hearth

in case any rats should gain entry by the chimney

dangling by their tales

like a tree full of rats.

And a one, and a two, and a one two three goodnight Elvis.

Goodnight, Sancho, even a mouse may look upon The King.

Good morning, Mensch. It's time to sing to the wiener dog.

Goodnight, Geier; Vimes would have given Mouse a job, although the Old Firm would eat him, with malice afore-thought. And just a bit of mustard.

Goodnight Mark IV. Dying is easy. Comedy is hard.

Goodnight Shaw, for our traditions tell us that now, it is time to 'lie down'.

Goodnight, Moriarity, most maligned of Heraldites. Goodnight, Bauhaus. Lie Down!

Goodnight, Peng, without whom none of this would have been necessary.

Goodnight, Berli, and flights of angels cast thee into hell, there to reign and brood on serving.

And goodnight, Emma and The French. Lord, what fools we mortals be, when first we practice to believe. Believe in each other.

The rest, lads and lassies...well, the rest is just irrefutable penetration charts, now isn't it?

[ 08-14-2001: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

[ 08-14-2001: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

[chrisl]

Game updates:

dalem is about to be crushed like a can of diced tomatoes (lightly salted). Despite a couple of lucky shots with his gamily hidden AT guns, my attack of green amis rolls onward. The arty has hardly begun to fall on his little dalem head. Why don't you park your AT guns in the open, like a good historical player?

MrSpkr is afraid to send me a setup.

Peng was threatening to send me a setup before I left for vacation, but I haven't heard a peep out of the pod since then. If he can get unpickled, and pry himself away from those lopsided tcp/ip games against Hiram/Phil, I might see a file from him.

[Speedy]

Lorak let it be known throughout the MBT that Marlow, first of that name, is in fact an honourary Australian. It is the only possible explanation for his defeating me, and his gamey use of computer selected, massed assault halftracks.

Final tally:

Marlow- 70

Speedy- 30

P.S.- Seanachai, what odds will you give me?

[ 08-14-2001: Message edited by: Speedy ]

[Seanachai]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Speedy:

Lorak let it be known throughout the MBT:

Seanachai, what odds will you give me?

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I will give you, lad, the same odds the gods gave me:

That you'll be born,

that you will die,

and spend all the time between

in wondering why.

Now, lad, I've summed up the human condition for yet another of you Aussie idjits. I'm going to have to start charging for this pretty soon. I'll take as my payment for elucidating the most basic principals in the Universe either a fair set-up, and your ultimate destruction, or the lyrics of a bloody good sing-song.

It's all one to me. And as much as I like destroying Opponents, I prefer a really good song.

[ 08-14-2001: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

[**YK2**]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Seanachai:

And goodnight, Emma and The French. Lord, what fools we mortals be, when first we practice to believe. Believe in each other.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

And good night to you too Steve.

Sweet dreams and sleep well.

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by chrisl:

Game updates:

MrSpkr is afraid to send me a setup.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

No, its a discipline problem. When I told the troops we would be fighting you, they fell all over themselves laughing. I will try to round them up and get them marching tonight.

[Leeo]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Seanachai:

It's all one to me. And as much as I like destroying Opponents, I prefer a really good song.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

When the lead wind blows,

and the heart grows frail,

With the squeeze of a trigger,

just send them to hell.

When iron beasts charge,

And troops start to grumble,

With a pull of det cord,

Set the tank to a tumble.

When the shells roar and whine,

And the boys start to quake,

With a yell and a bellow,

Do not let them break.

When the ammo runs low,

And the fellows soon tremble,

With a pull of the knife,

your enemy disassemble.

When things start to look grim,

And the guys all ask “Why?”

With a jaw set firm,

Just give them this cry;

“Though ‘tis death that they ask us,

and the purpose seems lame,

It’s worse than you think,

As it’s only a game.”

“We’re all naught but bits,

we’re just part of the show,

now ‘to your guns steady’,

The bastard hit ‘GO’”!

[Fieldmarshall]

Quote Original:

Mr. Burns: This is a thousand monkeys typing on a thousand typewriters, soon they will have written the geatist novel known to man...Gimme that...(reads out loud) "It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times" YOU STUPID MONKEY!

New Quote:

This is a thousand people, typing at a thousand computers, soon they will have created the most evil of PENG challenges in all of history...lets see: It was the best of PENG Chanllenges, it was the Blurst of PENG challenges...You stupid Git!

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>The reason why we find ourselves in a position of impotency is not because the Australians have sent men to invade our shores, but rather because of the traitorous actions of those who have had all the benefits that the wealthiest nation on earth has had to offer - the finest homes, the finest college educations, and the finest jobs in Government we can give, and yet live amongst us as secret Australians.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Damn all public relations staff, that's what I say. I had PLANNED to expose (sit down Bauhaus, and by the way, how do you fell about King Tigers in deep snow) this nefarious conspiracy here, in the CessPool, first but my intern was ... uh ... sleeping in and time just got by her. Lovely girl but a bit scatter-brained you know.

It is true, as Seanachai has stated (which must be something of a first in and of itself), that the Down Under Conspiracy is alive and festering here in the CessPool and the staff of the office of The Prosecutor and Protector of The One The True CessPool shall not rest until all Australians are rooted out (I understand that "rooted" has a different connotation in Australia but I don't care).

As our first act, The Prosecutor and Protector of The One The True CessPool orders that from this point forward, all references to Australia be italicized. We're not sure WHY we're doing this, except that we are.

Sir Joe Shaw, Prosecutor and Protector of The One The True CessPool

p.s. New Zealand is still under investigation.

[Juardis]

Hey Triumvir, where art thou?! Cowering and quivering behind the unwritten rule book? Come out and fight! I sent you the file like 5 minutes ago, why haven't ye responded accordingly? Git with it man, there are squires in here that need challenging (I dare not talk to any more of these big fearsome knights because they're so big and..well...fearsome). Anyway, death and destruction in 30 turns or less. I'll write it in the unwritten book with the bits and bytes that will soon be spewing from the severed limbs of your tiny pixels. Beware though my good man. I play with bases turned on and the largest scale I can so my pixels are waaayyyy bigger than yours!

[Joe Shaw]

My Lord Lorak, may it please Your Lardship ... sorry, sorry, meant to say LORDship, slip of the tongue, won't happen again Your Lordship, please accept my apology. Where was I ... oh yes, I rise before the assembled quality (no snickering damn it, this is a solemn occassion) to address a grevious lack in the ranks of the CessPool. I refer my fellow Knights and their attendant squires to the following, taken directly from the scroll of Dishonor maintained by Our Gracious Lord Lorak:

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Check6- 0/1/0

Treeburst155- 0/1/0

Ellros- 0/2/0

Abbott- 2/0/0

Col.Sanders- 0/1/0

Stalin's Organ- 2/1/0<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Note that of the listed Serfs ONLY Stall In Oregon is still posting! That's right my fellow Knights, we HAVE NO SERFS! It is true that Geek Funnel, as Whuppin Boy, is still around at times but what ARE we going to do without a sufficiency of Serfs from whence to pluck Squires?

I propose that a commission be formed to look into this deficit, but in the meantime I propose that Jar O' Dish be given the "rank" of Serf. As an SSN he seems less ... offensive ... than most and is certainly FAR less offensive than, say, Failed Marshal.

Joe