Lars Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> The Dread Lord Protector Joe Shaw: any challenges should contain a modicum of WIT, of HUMOR, of STYLE or PANACHE. So far Penny Loafer00 is lacking ANY of the above. You have my permission to fight the stinking SSN, but make sure he offers a GOOD challenge in accordance with CessPool tradition.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Thank you, Noble Sire, thank you. But judging by the quality of his "WIT, HUMOR, STYLE and PANACHE" (bolded so pansywoofer might actually read it and have it sink in to his pea size brain) it doesn't look to likely. If he should disturb your legal research again, he will be smited most harshly. p.s. Regarding "SSN Ain't Short for Nuclear Submarine YOU TWIT" , would a dissertation on "SSN's, will they ever go so deep as to Implode?" suffice? [ 07-18-2001: Message edited by: Lars ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iskander Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 Iskander, following the proceedings of the evening session with three tequilas and five beers, stands in the jury box (although several other Knights scramble out of the way expecting urine or vomit, they are obviously unaware of the the capabilities of said Iskander) to slur: crap, I forgot what I was going to say... nevermind! falls back down onto his rent- a- stenographer; looking up at her Wooster tank-top, he mumbles, "why didnt you bring the rest of the cross-country team along for my mates in the jury?"... then, as always before anything interesting happens, passes out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speedbump Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Iskander: falls back down onto his rent- a- stenographer; looking up at her Wooster tank-top, he mumbles, "why didnt you bring the rest of the cross-country team along for my mates in the jury?"... then, as always before anything interesting happens, passes out<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Speedbump slips over to the passed out Iskander and says, "young lady, I can assure you that you will not have the same problem with me. Why don't you join Cindy and me!" With a coquettish giggle, Iskander's rent-a-babe follows Speedbump over to the corner of the jury box for "consultations." Speedbump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iskander Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 with a sudden horrible cry from outside the doors of "I've never seen one so small!"... Iskander's stenographer/stalk-ette rushes back into the courtroom and jurybox to exclaim, "This is NOT what you said it'd be like! No one here likes exercise -- not like that! -- and you're all drunk! I'm going back to my small midwestern college to write stories for Penthouse!" With that C*ll**n storms out and is never seen the Cesspool again. Iskander, while normally wanting to break into tears, was mercifully passed out drunk through the whole affair. So to speak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
offtaskagain Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 My sweet little Lard, after your complete crushing upon the battlefield, I shall smear your pathetic, mutilated body upon the street. I will have my dog devour what is left of you. There you will be reduced to the worthless piece of ****e that you are. I will then allow you the honor of fertilizing my lawn. Are you man enough to fight me? Or are you going to running crying back to master? [ 07-19-2001: Message edited by: panzerwerfer42 ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mace Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 Aww, come on, forget this legal bullpoop! Where's the hanging?!!! We want to see a hanging!!! If not a hanging, decapitation! disembowlement? dismemberment? a bottom slapping? Just give us some action! Mace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
offtaskagain Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mace: Just give us some action! Mace<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Are the sheep not enough anymore? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jd Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 muttering to himself as Shaw drones on...... [ 07-19-2001: Message edited by: jd ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jd Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 Spkr! Things still hang in the balance. I have one more tactic to try. Watch Shaw carefully, and tell me what he does. (Standing and Waiting a respectful time so not as to startle the Judge, who is researching the finer points of courtroom procedure (glug, glug) Your Honor! I mean to bring this travesty of justice to a fit and quick end. Our investigators have uncovered the perpetrator of this dastardly deed, and it is not Sir Seanachai No rather, it is the true villain who has orchestrated this charade for his own gains, who bears in his coldest of foul hearts the burning lust and passion of a jealous lover, the cold calculating mind of a serial killer, the avarious of well, just about all of us. To what end ladies and gentleworms? What possible gain could this, this usurper hope to achieve? Why it is elevation to that of the inner circle, to be acknowledge as a progenitor, to be......An Old One But there was a catch. One stood in is way. One had to fall, to be cast down. One's honor had to be so besmirched as to allow our villain the opportunity to marshall his evil minions and rise up against the established order in insurrection and declare himself, the Anti-Peng the Pontifix Maximus of the Pool, the beast of the whore of Babylon. And he ...is....just on the other side of those doors. (pointing to the back of the courtroom.) leeo bring him in! (all eyes swivel to the rear. speculation is rampant. A shadowy figure is seen in the shadows, only the lower legs are visible and some dusty wing tips. Who is this monstrous nightshade creature? Hiram? Stalin's Organ, perhaps Lewis himself. The figure shambles forward as the light shines on him, slowly rising up his body as if the sun recoils at the very thought of contact.) A gasp is heard as finally it is revealed to be Lawyer, supported by Iskander and both are stinking drunk, ploughed, soused to the gills, falling down drunk , which the y proceed to do in an unseemly heap and most un-manly embrace. The court room explodes with laughter and guffaws, as everyone realizes that they have been had. These two drunken buffoons take over the exalted omnipresence of an Old One? Not bloody well likely! ORDER, ORDER in the Court!!!!Lorak's sepulcherian and stentorian voice rings out as he pounds the gavel. Order, I WILL have Order. Now counsel, what is the meaning of this little jest. As everyone can see neither of these town drunks could be the man you describe. Produce him I say! With pleasure your honor. jd turns slowly surveying the crowd until all eyes are on him. Walking slowly towards the bench, he stops and speaks briefly with Spkr Nodding at what he hears he glances briefly at his old nemesis, the self appointed prosecutor and procurer of young squires and smiles. In a most conversational way he turns to the court after reaching it's well and says, " When I said I'd produce this man, I spoke truth. When I pointed to the doors, and they opened. EVERYONE turned and looked at what was to be revealed. All looked,(and in a quiet whisper) except one. All looked except the man who is the one I described. All looked except...... suddenly spinning around he points once again the gnarly finger of accusation at >>>> Joe Shaw!!! Shaw the "mortgage" banker, Shaw the source of the Mormon Wives infestation, Shaw who prances around seducing the youth of the pool to support his twisted vision of the pool, as we have seen him do with young master Lars here and of course Shaw who owes me a turn. And was it not SHAW here who tried to inflame the masses against the perhaps fey but always ready to burst into song Sir Seanchai, Knaggit of the Cesspool, Elder and nappy dresser!? well all but that last at least. BAILIFF, take this impostor and throw him to the unboldened masses and let the proletariat have at him, then the sheep, mustn't forget the sheep, they can have him too, and then the squires he has betrayed , and the serfs and the pissboys and finally the (shudder) ssn's may have their way with him as well. Then bring him back here that our noble lord may pronounce Shaw's final doom! [ 07-19-2001: Message edited by: jd ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goanna Posted July 19, 2001 Author Share Posted July 19, 2001 Drat, another twist. And right when you pretty much had me sold on the idea that it's really all Peng's fault in the first place. Oh well, how about we hear from Shornofbolding himself, get jury pole for verdict and then turn em all over to Kitty for punishment. ...and before you ask Mace, no you may not be added as codefendent at this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stalin's Organ Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 back in the cheap seats the audien...er....public gallery, there are mutterings.....it seems some of the scum suckers up there are actually able to make sense of the goings on.... Trotsky's Tummy - Oi, wot's that tall poncy bloke in the pink kaftan sayin'? Kerenskies Kidney Ah, he's blatherin' on about how that short fat guy wot's bin tellin' us about the guilty guy's crimes 's actually perspiring against 'im to get 'is job-like Trotsky's Tummy 'ang on mate - that can't be right - cos no-one erre'd ever let a short fat ugly thing like that into the the billious hall of he Great Old Ones.....'ek there'd be blud on d'floor in pretty short order - 'is most likely! Nun of t'udder slugs'd ever stand for it...well...excep'n theyse all too fat and bloated to stand in the first place o'coors. Kerenskies Kidney Yeah - well u know that, 'n I know that, but let's face it mate, judge 'n jury are about 13 cans short of a dozen when it comes to brains - ain't got a neuron between 'em I 'erd ...and so the muttering goes on.....the judge looks up..irritated beyond belief by last night's Chicken Curry...he bellows..... QUIET IN THE COURT! OR BY GO....err....BY THAT OTHER FELLOW I'LL HAVE THE LOT OF YOU FLOGGED!! Hell I might ajust do it anyway, but shut up anyway! ...the lawyers sit back, happy - they're getting paid by the hour and being told to shut up suits them fine.......for a while.....the peons in back quiet down.....for a while.....and the Judge sits back.... Roight then..where were we...oh yes, carry on counsel.... [ 07-19-2001: Message edited by: Stalin's Organ ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mace Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Goanna: get jury pole for verdict and then turn em all over to Kitty for punishment. ...and before you ask, Mace, no you may not be added as codefendent at this time.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> *Runs down from jury stand and throws himself prone on the floor, wrapping his arms around Joe Shaw's leg* I did it!! It was me! Me!!! I confess! I'm solely responsible for whatever, and I deserve and expect...Nay, I demand to be punished by the full extent of the law! Kitty, grab your whip, chain me to the stocks, and have at me with all your might. Only you have the power to lead me back to the path of righteousness (just make sure you wear your tight black leather costume, ok?) Mace [ 07-19-2001: Message edited by: Mace ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geier Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 It's all just a bloody publicity stunt anyway. My new and improved system is coming along nicely and might become operational tonight. I also have a new sig line and I'd like you all to note that it came from a thread started by our own lovable little rexford. We hope you hate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawyer Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jd: [QBA gasp is heard as finally it is revealed to be Lawyer, supported by Iskander and both are stinking drunk, ploughed, soused to the gills, falling down drunk <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> "Yes!! Yes, I did it! And I'll tell you why! "Joe Shaw promised me a lifetime supply of gas for my SUV, my house, my bowels, my everything. He said it would all be so easy, and nobody would get hurt. "At first I said no, being a Legal Gentleman of the Bar and all. But then Evil Joe upped the offer to include the key to Iskander's liquor cabinet. My god, no true Lawyer could refuse the key to ALL KNOWLEDGE and WISDOM that is stored inside those lovely, lovely bottles. When the Whiskey Man whispered in my ear that it was okay, I jumped at the chance. "Now, I see Joe Shaw was just using me to get at Old Seanachai, who I now reveal to be the original Man who never returned from the MBT! Yes, that's right!! You all thought Seanachai was just a peculiar little man living in a peculiar part of the country with peculiar habits involving small children and smothered pets. But not so!! "I tell the assembled Jury of Jackals today that Seanachai is not here defending himself for a simple and very obvious reason. Seanachai is now on a perpetual tour of retirement homes and obscure malls with The Kingston Trio. "When his heroes croak out "Hang Down Your Head, Tom Dooley", "The Man Who Never Returned", and other geriatric favorites of Sick Celts, Seanachai acts out the parts to the delight of Senior Citizens across America. "It's true, I tell you! Seanachai now is no more than a dancing monkey who has sold his soul, or what remains of it, to the Demon Mistress Folk Music. If I'm lying, then GIVE ME ANOTHER DRINK!!" The crowd, once raucous and smelley drunk, is suddenly quiet and still smelley drunk. They around at each other and wonder. Is it true what Lawyer [ is saying? Then the silence is rudely broken when the Evil One Himself, Joe Shaw suddenly barks out: Who has another drink for Lawyer? Now let's get back to business... [ 07-19-2001: Message edited by: Lawyer ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Berlichtingen Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 Ignorant sods! It was not Lawyer (he's guilty of other sins). It WAS seanachai, he HAS been judged and he IS guilty. Must I use smaller words to make you tiresome mortals understand? HE IS GUILTY! Now, the question is the punishment. What has been proposed is that he be given the opportunity to have the vile grog spirits cast out by Father Peng... a kindness offered because of his past services to the Mutha Beautiful Thread. The alternitive is that he be cast down as an SSN. Is understanding beginning to penetrate your thick skulls? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mace Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 *collectively a GASP is heard from the Jury, just after Lawyer's confession* "Tell us it isn't so, Lawyer, tell us it isn't so..... You've drank ALL the BOOZE!!!!! Mace PS it was me! I'm still waiting to be flogged! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leeo Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 "Hang the Lawyer!" "Shaw to the torch! Shaw to the torch!" "Oo's got more rum?" "We want to leer, eh, er, hear at the Stenographers!" "Egads, Folk Music?!? I'm gonna be sick." "Where'd the bucket go?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speedy Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jd: Spkr! Things still hang in the balance. I have one more tactic to try. Watch Shaw carefully, and tell me what he does. (Standing and Waiting a respectful time so not as to startle the Judge, who is researching the finer points of courtroom procedure (glug, glug) Your Honor! I mean to bring this travesty of justice to a fit and quick end. <snip> [ 07-19-2001: Message edited by: jd ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I bloody well hope so I'm running out of grog, you're all a bunch of bloody fish! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dalem Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 You know, watching this many law-whores grease themselves up and wiggle around in a small room is exactly as nauseating as I always suspected it might be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speedbump Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dalem: You know, watching this many law-whores grease themselves up and wiggle around in a small room is exactly as nauseating as I always suspected it might be.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> You sicko, none of us are watching the "lawyers" (note unbolded). We are watching the court reporters! Speedbump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geier Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 THE MOTHER BEAUTIFUL THREAD IS PAST IT'S FIRST BIRTHDAY. Can you dig it? If not, then why oh why are you still here? One year. 52 fraggin weeks. Lots and lots of seconds. This calls for a celebration, I suggest that we uh yeah that's it!!! Let's get drunk! Again! Come on get drunk again, like we wuz last summer. Yeeeah, git drunk again it's the time ... year. Or let's just blow something up then. I can't even begin to imagine the amount of destruction, death and disco we've wrought. I blame the media. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leeo Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 "WE WANTS CAKE!" "And Rum!" "We need a sacrifice!" "Burn Someone!" "No, no, evisceration!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Berlichtingen Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Geier: THE MOTHER BEAUTIFUL THREAD IS PAST IT'S FIRST BIRTHDAY.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Speaking of birthdays, it is that nasty, little, elf, bastard Lorak's birthday today. Hope he has a horrible day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lars Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by poopoohead4/2: My sweet little Lard, after your complete crushing upon the battlefield, I shall smear your pathetic, mutilated body upon the street. I will have my dog devour what is left of you. There you will be reduced to the worthless piece of ****e that you are. I will then allow you the honor of fertilizing my lawn. Are you man enough to fight me? Or are you going to running crying back to master? [ 07-19-2001: Message edited by: panzerwerfer42 ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Once again to the 30 second clock: Picked some specific. Yep. Offered challenge. Yep. Sounded off like he had a pair. Somewhat small but Yep, they’re in the dirty diaper. *BUZZzzz* We have a winner, er, loser! My Liege Joe Shaw, if this sophomoric challenge meets with your approval, would you be so kind as to send a nice little scenario to inflict upon the still wet behind the ears poopoohead4/2? I realize that it has the wit, humor, style and panache of a kindergarten playground squabble held under the teetertotter about who will get to eat the worms, but given his tender years it is probably the best we can hope for. His profile mentions that he enjoys things that explode in the sky, “Jabo!” perhaps. Well, whatever you think is best, Sire. I’m sure you will have something suitable. I leave it in your capable hands. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agua Perdido Posted July 19, 2001 Share Posted July 19, 2001 I'm still waiting on a car chase, so how about some UPDATES! I am slowly tightening the noose on Seanachai's (yes, I've capitalized and even bolded his name, not because I have any particular stance on the issue, but because I'm hoping it'll annoy someone, which is the sole reason I pointed it out) troops, and I have LOS on most of his positions from at least three sides. If I kill him Real Good, do I get an executioner's fee in the event of a Guilty verdict? (Or a verdict of Not Guilty, or Not Esther Williams? You know, I've never seen Seanachai and Esther Williams in the same place at the same time. Could one of them be the other's secret identity?) Joe Shaw and I have exchanged a few more shots in Berli's little abomination du jour, and I'm beginning to see the joke. I'm not amused. Still, at least I've killed off a few of Joe's canuckleheads while he's been distracted by his briefs. Uh, legal briefs, that is. Goanna and I continue to butcher each other in the snow. I've been blasting his squads into tiny bits with tanks in one part of the map, while he roasts mine with flamethrowers in another. At least I've finally made it to the village after 12 turns of wading through knee-deep snow. Croda, while still a brainless prat, has pulled off the significant coup of returning to the 'Pool, firing up all kinds of possibility about games resuming, and then still not SENDING A FECKIN' TURN! SEND ME A FECKIN' TURN! I can mail the last one again if you managed to lose it in the last few days. I'm sure I'm playing some other folks who are undoubtedly loathesome, gamey bastages and I hate them as much as any of you, but I don't recall them off hand. Oh, stevetherat, he's a particularly smelly one. Fix your computer or do somefink. Hate you all, Agua Perdido Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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