Does Peng Taste Gamey???

[Priest]

Hammie if were able to count my wins to yours then you would be the most famous winningest son of a gun around here!

Second Senahibababwawabillybobmookiemookie blahblahWOOTblahblah WHATEVER you failed to realize one thing two pages ago I AM THE MOST WORTHLESS THING IN THIS THREAD DAGNUMIT! Get it straight you useless piece of diseased meat.

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Sir are you sure you want to go to red alert...it would mean changing the bulb

-Kryton of Red Dwarf

[Stuka]

Originally posted by Leeo:

There, sir Stuka! Is that a bit more belligerent?

Yes, lad. A raw, prepubescent embryonic taunt that appears to have the necessary dangle berrys to mature into some more fully fledged taunting. Keep working on your style. But don't forget that variety is the sweet elixer that keeps interest in our little folk group from waning.

I note that David of Aitken has engaged you in a little friendly stoush. As your leige I command that you bring me his head, that you may hollow out the crap from within and furnish me with a practical, albeit exceedingly ugly new piss bucket.

If you have have any queries on the finer points of battle, you need only turn to your Knigget for instruction. (Thats why I get paid the big bucks.)

[Mace]

Originally posted by OGSF:

Despite tha gamey bastarrd executing a pincer povement on mah positions wi' two MG jeeps, then sendin' tha survivin' crew members forward ain support o' his frontal assault by an ammoless F.O., Ah kicked has spotty arse back tae Kitty's litter box.

What was frightening was not the lifting of his kilt at my superior American forces, but what was contained under the kilt.

My men (and I) will now have to seek counselling for the rest of our lives ...shudder..., but howvever we will be bringing Mr Sir Bloody Wanky-panky Gruppen Fuhrer to the attention of the UN war crimes tribunal (unless of course he lifts his kilt to them, then we're in trouble)

Mace

[This message has been edited by Mace (edited 03-23-2001).]

[Leeo]

Originally posted by Stuka:

I note that David of Aitken has engaged you in a little friendly stoush. As your liege I command that you bring me his head, that you may hollow out the crap from within and furnish me with a practical, albeit exceedingly ugly new piss bucket.

Sir, Yessir! Let it be known a priori that Mr. Aitken is a gamey cheating bastarrrd (in the psychological dangerously deranged way of that haggis-eatin', skirt-fluffin', pipe squeezin' (sit down, Bauhaus), sheep-intimidatin' off-spawn of an itinerant peddler )!!!

He's afraid to confront me in the light of day (that pissboy wannabe Aitken, sir), so has chosen a cold, dreary, rainy night to conceal his gamey magick, which would only be acceptable from a duo known as Sigfreid and Roy. He will, however, be mine, my ever-kind liege.

Yours in humble (though begrudging) service,

Leeo the Leper (tremble in fear, those who would have contact with me).

------------------

It is better to spend money like there's no tomorrow

than to spend tonight like there's no money!

[OGSF]

Originally posted by Mark IV:

Keep your kilt on, I'm still at work.

If I thought killing you would put an end to that grating broguerel you attempt posting in, I would take vacation days to slaughter you even more quickly. I can't believe I have to register my weapons, while you can run the length and breadth of the internet with a sackful of over-the-counter vowels.

Watch your mail.

Och noo, ye wound mae Sir wi' ye harsh worrrds. An' mae who ne'er uttered a bad worrrd aboot anyone....

Bastarrrd.

SirMacOberGrupenBloodyStompinSicFeuhrerBastardABCD

[Stuka]

Kevin mcOberbastarrrd, stop chasing MKIV like a schoolboy on heat and send me some files dammit!

I'm off to mow my castle grounds now and I'll be back in an hour, so hop to it you grenulious budgie plucker.

[Mark IV]

Too late. He will now have to drag his gamey speech-impaired ass into the Ardennes and root me out like the mushroom-sniffing piggie he is. I am, by definition, the Good Guys. At least I let him buy his own Sturmjumbos.

[Roborat]

Originally posted by bauhaus:

Such back talk from a squire, especially to a Knigget. Hmmmmm, the first squire demoted to a serf. Keep it up blowarat.

Ohhhh nnnnnoooo!!, I have been chastised by blowmoose himself?!?!?, the whipping boy of the entire pool, that's like, like, umm, loosing to Hiram. I feel totally... chastised.. no that's not it, maybe cowed... nope, that's not it either. I know, totally underwhelmed, that's it. Totally freaking underwhelmed.

Sir Hamsters/Meeks sir, I hate to bother you when your in your zen place, ploting yet another toplement, but that smelly little knigggit is waving something small but disgusting at me, could you please modify his attitude appropriately. That is part of your job as my sponsor, isn't it, along with teaching me your still incomprehensible but undoubtedly brilliant human wave assault methods, and your attritionistic manouvering reverse lateral moves across the battlefield tactics? God knows I have a hard enough time trying to keep the pens of hamsters fed and bathed, your armour polished, and your multiple personalities sorted and stored alphabetically, without the comic relief guy bothering me.

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"With cat-like tread, Upon our prey we steal;

In silence dread, Our cautious way we feel." -G&S

[MrPeng]

Gentleworms:

Not one stinking rat mofo scumsucking PoS 'pooler deserves it, but I thought I would torture you with a GAME UPDATE:

Croda:

gamey cheating filthy PT-Boat piloting fartknocker sent me a SET-UP set-up and is now pounding my poor worthless canucks into the bloody pulp into which all foul fetid sonsabidges canucks should be pounded.

Jefe:

The Evil One's expanded Last Defense is our little pig pen, and the shagdork is grinding my poor american sows into suasages and scrapple. were i a religious man instead of a devout atheist i would be praying at this juncture. instead i am merely cursing someone else's God.

Seniletea:

Elsdorf- just killed a Wespe (didn't know it was a Wespe - but Seanachoke broke FoW like the mutant retread he is)and my plucky Amish Lads are pacifistically marching thier way into town, being careful to only admonish or shun the hun bastards they meet along the way. And yet they march to VICTORY.

MarkIV:

the foo is on the other shoot. He has somehow, miraculously stumbled into ALL of my traps. unfortunately, now he knows where they all are and can effectively destroy everyone on the map. It seemed like good tactics at the time, but turns out to be no better than my typical feverish daydream.

Mace:

This could get ugly real fast. for one thing it is a QB on a smallish map with big hills and dense trees. For another thing this game is for a 30 day kitty sig - that's right. If i win this thing Mace must have a sig of my choosing which will hike up kitty's skirts and expose her for the waste of skin she is. If Mace wins my sig will have some nonsense about what a terrific shielah she is and goodonya and Rene Descartes was a drunken fart and all that then. so this is actually the most important match i have ever fought: can you imagine me with a sig extolling the virtues of that festering boil on the arse of Pengdom, Kitty? I knew that you couldn't.

mensch: gah feh poot- the game has gone from bad to worse. two turns ago i killed afriggin werblewind that was about 300m behind my lines, just running around like a stinking idjit.

JD: dead like a headless chicken in the night with fog. in other words, who the hell knows what is going on?

GoJoanna: to mention anything would break FoW and I just did. He thought he was clever with his big hairly booms, but he is going to be out of booms soon, then he will pay for his insulen.

geier: owes me a file and is being a stinking swede.

that is all

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That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable

[OGSF]

Originally posted by Mark IV:

Too late. He will now have to drag his gamey speech-impaired ass into the Ardennes and root me out like the mushroom-sniffing piggie he is. I am, by definition, the Good Guys. At least I let him buy his own Sturmjumbos.

StukaPukaPants, didnae go doon tae tha woods today, laddie....(wha'ever tha' means..)

MarkIV, as mah wee calculus instructor used tae sae..."Even a blind pig finds the occasional truffle". Yer men are already routed....they just didnae realize at yet.

SirMacOberGrupenBloodyStompinSicFeuhrerBastardABCD

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Bamse:

Not so originally posted by Seanachai:

"I beg for merci"

Another picture looker!

Björn Elfström

I rarely look at the pictures, lad, unless they have Aitkin's name on them. I've learned my lesson from Shaw (with proper treatment, many viewers of 'the Mormon Wives' may still be able to father children, but only if treated early on).

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Tremble, tyrants and you perfidious opprobrium of all the parties,

Tremblez! your parricidal projects finally will receive their prices!

But these sanguinary despots, But these accomplices of Berli,

All these tigers which, without pity, Bauhaus the centre of their mother!

We will enter the career When our elder is not there any more,

We will find there their dust And the trace of their virtues

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Roborat:

Ohhhh nnnnnoooo!!, I have been chastised by blowmoose himself?!?!?, the whipping boy of the entire pool

Sorry, Cyber Rat fella, but you have that wrong. Deke is the 'Whipping Boy' of the 'Pool (although self-proclaimed, it will stand). Bauhaus is our very first Saint. St. Bauhaus of the Immaculate Thingy. This also will stand. As will Bauhaus, whenever it is necessary to preserve the freedoms of those who would tell him to Sit Down!

There is a complicated choreography to the Peng Challenge Thread. It is a dance that pleases not the eye, nor sets free the soul, but does, in fact, Stomp Upon the Terra.

------------------

Tremble, tyrants and you perfidious opprobrium of all the parties,

Tremblez! your parricidal projects finally will receive their prices!

But these sanguinary despots, But these accomplices of Berli,

All these tigers which, without pity, Bauhaus the centre of their mother!

We will enter the career When our elder is not there any more,

We will find there their dust And the trace of their virtues

[Goanna]

Just thought I would wade in here amongst the denizens of the putrid cess with your suckling, mewling squires to provide an ÜberLizard Update!

I may be a charter member of this pit of slack ass poster-boys, but it we be a day silent of Joe Shaw’s cakehole flapping when I ever take on a squire. The lot of them aren’t worth skewering on a rusty bayonet. I wouldn’t even pile their dead with the rest of the poolers as the bodies are likely to give off an aroma of decaying tofu-eaters rather than that of true carnivores. Besides, most of you bastards in the US seem to snatch up all the decent ones early. Now then, on to the news . . .

The re-match with jd is over within a week and all by PBEM. His gamey attack complete with two veteran Hellcats and a Super Pershing was stillborn before it saw the light of day, and not simply because it was pissing down rain. He proved once again that a poor plan executed sloppily can make even a regular immobile defence look heroic. My only losses were heroic mortar crews (and their commander) who died after dumping their deadly loads on the charging hordes. Is it just me, or have the German FOs become more cruelly accurate since they are all now little Berlis? By the numbers:

jd: Allies, 158 casualties (36 KIA), lost 5 mortars and 2 tanks – Loss (16 pt)

Goanna Axis, 24 casualties (6 KIA), lost 2 mortars, 2 guns and a flak wagon – Major Victory (77pt)

Corporate counsel has declined to offer himself for another lesson in humility, so I have room for a new victim. I’m thinking of one that has been around for some time, but has yet to take his turn on my spit. Someone who reeks of offal stuffed into a ewe’s intestine, who speaks like they’ve got their gob perpetually stuffed with deep fried Mars bars and makes the prose of Irvine Welsh seem crystal by comparison. That’s right, I’m looking at you, Jimmy! So send me a set-up or return mine that will be coming directly and I’ll carve up your spotty arse to add to the pile of rotting meat that has become of the other Knights I’ve faced.

Peng has begun his obligatory footrace to cover through the hail of mg42 fire while misplacing enough mortar rounds to be cited by the EPA for wanton destruction of forests.

Elvis is falling into the psychological trap of ‘projecting’ his losses onto his opponent. My green troops are currently bandaging up a few flesh wounds after ticking off another large VL and should be moving within a few minutes on the next. This one is mine for sure and I may offer him terms in a while to spare him the mental breakdown and fits of crying that would cause his wife to leave him.

It’s turned into a patented meat grinder with Berli who has all the subtlety of a rabid pit bull on methamaphetamine. However, I have more meat and he is out of support after having all his AFV’s ventilated in an excellent crossfire.

bauhaus is on holidays, so the never ending Nipple Wars will continue after he is rested up from (what?) his fourth holiday this year. No wonder productivity at the US scandal rags is going down the crapper.

I’m still waiting to see what kind of Plan BJoe Shaw can come up with in taking this burg. My Volksturm are currently having their naps and will return to the woods following the changing of colostomy bags.

Nothing else worth mentioning until MarkVI and Moriarty start dying. Special neglect go to Speedy and Marlow.

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

My, my, my ... and mine too as I think of it. Seanachai it is typical of you (in a way something of a compliment as you typify "atypical") to wager without chance of loss. Let us examine your {snicker} proposal. At the conclusion of current game, should you win, you would receive as prize the finest of squires Agua Perdido. Let us examine the opposite result, should I win our match I ... GET TO KEEP THAT WHICH I ALREADY OWN!...

....You'll have to do FAR better than that my silly northwoods friend.

Joe

So, it comes down to this, does it, Joe? "What's in it for me?"

Why, sir, Honour!

Or are you so dead to the concept of a challenge based on honour that you laugh with scorn, and rub thumb-and-fingers together in the universal sign for baksheesh?! I weep for this, the most grasping and vulgar of generations.

I have informed you, in terms of gentle remonstrance, that you are no fit mentor to the 'Squire' known as Agua Perdido. With all his flaws, he needs another to help him achieve his true potential. Joe, Joe, you are still doing 'Wiley Coyote' post exchanges with the lad. He is, I think, perhaps capable of more than your 'Roadrunner Cartoon' approach to Squire actualization. Thus, I made my offer, in all fairness, in all honour.

But I see now that a more 'substantial' offer (oh, that the pursuit of worldly gain should influence an august body such as ourselves) must be made. Therefore, Old Foul Joe, should I 'lose' our Quick Battle (such a concept; I laugh it to scorn, ha-ha!), then shall you take control of, and dictate my signature for one month (yes, the standard contract, and 30 days, not some fanciful lawyeresque niggle on 'calendars', and I trust you to be a gentleman). But because such contracts have become more common, and because you might feel that the loss of a promising 'Squire' is not commensurate with merely dictating a signature (and thereby continue to leave honour out of the calculation), I also put forward the offer that I will, for the same period of 31 days (calculated from day of Loss), always speak well of you in any of my posts, and acknowledge what would otherwise be anathema before all, that is, that Joe Shaw is a great guy. And, because here in the Thread of Threads, we have among us lawyers, shallow and soul-less manipulators, upon whom the light of day may not rise in Washington, DC without sending them scurrying and whinging to their offices to check their current billable hours, as a reassurance that Satan has not yet called in his marker, and they are still able to post in the Peng Challenge Thread. Just so shall I also pledge that during that same 31 day period, I will counter-post to anyone who speaks ill of you, and defend you and remind them of what a paragon you are (which will be a horrible and dreadful lie, but even the gods cast dice and by their play make fools of us all, so shall they forgive me my abasement, as they know what it is to lose a wager).

Now, that is a better offer than you deserve, you poison-toad, and most of this exchange is to entertain the Knights of the One, True, and Revealed Thread. Things have been a bit slim, lately, what with all the mewling newcomers, and Priest's wandering inability to post an actual insult (good gods, is he an actuall priest? Couldn't he consult an excommunication to see how it's done? I can post a decent one for him, just so he can see how the unworthy can be cast into the pit and then urinated upon), and what with Swedes showing up and trying to post 'Ha Ha!' in a significant way.

So, Shaw, what do you say? Do we have a wager?

------------------

Tremble, tyrants and you perfidious opprobrium of all the parties,

Tremblez! your parricidal projects finally will receive their prices!

But these sanguinary despots, But these accomplices of Berli,

All these tigers which, without pity, Bauhaus the centre of their mother!

We will enter the career When our elder is not there any more,

We will find there their dust And the trace of their virtues

[Stuka]

Originally posted by Goanna:

Most of you bastards in the US seem to snatch up all the decent ones early.

QUOTE]

Not I oh lizard of Oz, I've scored me a real good 'un.

Squire LeeO will serve me well throughout my daily oblutions and if not.......well, only Berli may help him from the pit of despair into which he will descend.

*So sayeth Lord Stuka, patron saint of huge 'thingeys'*

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by Stuka:

and if not.......well, only Berli may help him from the pit of despair into which he will descend.

He can bloody well piss off if he thinks he's getting any help from me. Let him rot in the pit I say

[Goanna]

I will . . . always speak well of you in any of my posts, and acknowledge what would otherwise be anathema before all, that is, that Joe Shaw is a great guy

Well then you won’t be doing it around here then. You can take your nancing ways to the main forum and leave the likes of the AquaBoy to those of us who would treat him with the contempt he deserves. He’ll feel the back of my hand if he’s not careful soon.

Stuka, you pestilent numbskull. That Leeo is nothing but a closet commie and right now he is stealing your secrets, your weapons and dare I say even the new wife from right under your nose. Let’s examine the facts shall we:

He’s from Oregon. Now there’s commie country if I ever saw any. Hell I think Pravda comes out of Portland these days. What other state could use a beaver as a school mascot with a straight face? And a duck too, you know they have a duck? Clearly these Trotskyites don’t know a good old capitalist mascot from a fuzzy stuffed animal.

He used the phrase “…uttering proletarian phrases inculcated in the populace by the bourgeosie“ in a post. Need I say more? He’s as red as the day is long. Who but a commie could get through that little gem without a mouthwash after?

He lost to Berli. Now on the face of it, this would appear to be simple ineptitude. However, combined with the other facts that sit in abundance before your eyes, this is clearly an attempt to gain favour amongst the masses while infiltrating the Australian oligopoly that secretly (though obviously) runs the Cesspool behind the scenes.

Be rid of the vermin as soon as you are bale or he will surely ply you with Henry’s and you will wake up in a cell being deprogrammed by someone named Ivan.

[Guest Germanboy]

Originally posted by Stuka:

*So sayeth Lord Stuka, patron saint of huge 'thingeys'*

And the whingers who don't return turns...

------------------

Andreas

Der Kessel

Home of „Die Sturmgruppe“; Scenario Design Group for Combat Mission.

[Stuka]

Pardon me GermySperm, excuse me for a moment, pardona moi seevue pley, entschuldigen Sie!

You are waiting for a turn from.....moi?

*cough, cough, hack, spit*

I cough at thee, I hack at thee, I spit at thee.

Your scurvionous file has been despatched with all speed by carrier pidgeon post haste. It is hardly my fault that the poor bird has contracted claw and beak disease and fallen foul of a Yorkshireman's pastry pie.

Check your nesting box oh dashing Cavalier, for a new rendition of topplement.

[Stuka]

Sir Lizard, thank you for your observations concerning my erstwhile squire, the ever fawning, bucket waving, Leeo.

It would appear that I am just too much of a damned nice Knigget and have overlooked these communist leanings of the spotty git.

*Sigh*

You pay good, hard {Sit down......} cash for a whelp of a serf, you bring him close to your bosom and let him pay for the beers while whispering uber secret 88mm penetration data and the value of HMG teams running, and this is the thanks I get?

I applaud you Sir Liz, for the advice and hereby proclaim to have a firmer fist {I said Sit!...} with the help.

My own fault really, the class barriers are there for a reason and there is no benefit in trying to drag an UnterSerf up from the mire.

Try as you might, you just can't put a shine on a turd.

[Guest Wildman]

Originally posted by Lawyer:

[Wildman Preening and something about a game. Yada, Yada

I shall be hard at work for a week or so, which sound unbelievable because it really is unbelievable. I'm a Washington DC Git, there is no way in hell I'm ever going to do anything constructive, remember I'm a bloodsucking weenie

Ah Lawyerboy,

To be honest I missed this post. Not out of anykind of fear, as you suggest. It is due to the complete lack of verbal visicousness that causes me to take a quick nap at the mere sight of your pathetic handle on a post.

After slamming two cups of coffee, and three no-doze, I managed to actually read such a boring and complete worthless prose. I did modify it, (copywrite rules be damned), so that when reread by the Pool-at-Large, it will be more presentable.

As for your "challange", like your death, it is on its way and is looking for your blood.

Oh, and by the way you knocked-kneed, liberal, Lewinsky loving puss-bucket. The Osprey is a MARINE thing and I you pathetic wanker am a vital cog in the WORLDS GREATEST AIR FORCE.

Die-a-Lot now.

[David Aitken]

PBEM Report

After concocting a scenario to challenge the sanity of Germanboy and Treeburst155, I have joined battle with the former in Berli's submission, and learned the true definition of "challenge the sanity". All I have to do to reach my objectives is clear several million buildings.

Elvis wrote:

> OhmyAikenhead : I haven't even seen the 1st movie yet but already I know he has no chance in this snowy thriller. I am armed to the teeth and have a plan that can't fail.

The plan being, apparently, "hide!".

Leeo...

Stuka wrote:

> I note that David of Aitken has engaged you in a little friendly stoush. As your leige I command that you bring me his head, that you may hollow out the crap from within and furnish me with a practical, albeit exceedingly ugly new piss bucket.

Some chance of that... Sturmgruppen or not, he is suffering at the hands of my invincible Cromwell O' Doom.

My tie-breaker will be finding its way to Meeks very soon.

[Agua Perdido]

Originally posted by Wildman:

I am a vital cog in the WORLDS GREATEST AIR FORCE.

Ah, so you're a Navy wrench-turner... that explains it. Here I've been impugning your golf ability because I thought you were Chair Force (the world's sixth greatest air force, behind the USN, RAF, IAF, USCG, and USMC, but still slightly ahead of the Army and the French). Keep up the good work, Wildman, anchors aweigh and don't-ask-don't-tell and all that.

Agua Perdido

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Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

[bauhaus]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

Sorry, Cyber Rat fella, but you have that wrong. Deke is the 'Whipping Boy' of the 'Pool (although self-proclaimed, it will stand). Bauhaus is our very first Saint. St. Bauhaus of the Immaculate Thingy. This also will stand. As will Bauhaus, whenever it is necessary to preserve the freedoms of those who would tell him to Sit Down!

There is a complicated choreography to the Peng Challenge Thread. It is a dance that pleases not the eye, nor sets free the soul, but does, in fact, Stomp Upon the Terra.

Just a few quick notes before I leave you lads on your own for the next week.

Why thank you Sir Seanachai you may now kiss my....ummmm......ring, yeah, ring.

Goanna you dillusional lizard. This is only holiday #2. Unlike you who claim to be in Oman on work, for what, 10 months? I believe the operation is being finalized so we will finally be treated to the first cross-dressed lizard who is minus a thingy. That makes you thingyless? Hope the nip and tuck is going well.

------------------

St. Bauhaus of the Immaculate Thingy

canonized 2001 A.D.

[Joe Shaw]

So, it comes down to this, does it, Joe? "What's in it for me?" Why, sir, Honour!

Ah, would that it were true my dear Seanachai but you see I see through your little ploy. The rest of the fools in the 'pool (hey ... fools in the 'pool, that's got a ring to it ... not as nice as the one around Bauhaus' corner but still a ring) may not understand but I do. If your offer had any TRUTH to it, you would have used the word HONOR but instead you, in your mealymouthed Minnesota way used HONOUR! You can't pull the wool over my eyes (sit down Mace).

I have informed you, in terms of gentle remonstrance, that you are no fit mentor to the 'Squire' known as Agua Perdido.

Ah I see, so you wish to STEAL my squire and teach him YOUR ways? Now wouldn't that just be lovely, another Seanachai wandering about polluting the air with his ... Seanachaisms. BUT I only want what's best for Agua after all, and if that means giving him up to a more qualified Knight ... then so be it. BUT, how qualified are YOU? How many squires have you trained? None? Let's see, that would be ONE less than I've trained. Thank you for your application but at present all of our positions have been filled. We shall, however, keep your application on file.

Therefore, Old Foul Joe, should I 'lose' our Quick Battle

It's a scenario you cretin, and I'm supposed to turn over the education of a fine lad like Agua to someone who doesn't even know THAT!

then shall you take control of, and dictate my signature

Oh my a prize beyond price to be sure, but ... NO!

... most of this exchange is to entertain the Knights of the One, True, and Revealed Thread.

Really, excellent, we could use some entertainment ... go ahead ... what? ... that was it? hmmmm ...

So, Shaw, what do you say? Do we have a wager?

While it might be amusing, in a sick and twisted way, to control you sig and have you speak the TRUTH about me for a change ... I cannot disappoint my loyal and trusty squire Agua Perdido who has expressed his fealty on many occassions, I must, therefore, reject your offer with with scorn it deserves ... specifically ... {pfffffttttttttttt}

Joe

------------------

I HAVE LOST A BLOOD HAMSTER TO PETERNZ. MY SIG FILE IS

HIS. PLEASE TICKLE MY FANCY BY GOING TO DER KESSEL .IF

YOU GO HE MIGHT STOP BEATING ME AND USING MY POOR

INNOCENT BODY FOR HIS OWN DEVIOUS PLEASURES