Get your money out. Here come "The CM's"!

[Lawyer]

Greetings:

I've got a great idea for a new computer game I'm gonna call "The CM's". I need your input and your advance orders to make it a reality so I can quit my day job and play more CM.

"The CM's" will be a computer simulation of the "lives" (used loosely) of CM players just like you and me. It will accurately model the daily "actions" (again used loosely) that occur for the "normal" (used very, very loosely) CM player. How's that for a winning game formula??

Are you ready to buy the game and be an investor? Then read on...

When you play "The CM's", you micro-manage the everyday actions of all the little pixel people in the game, who will be modeled after folks you may recognize from perusing the CM forum. We will give them fake names like "Pong", "Meese", and "Mr Sekr" to avoid paying royalties. You watch the little fella's performing those crazy rituals that make each day a special event.

Now, here's the good part. "The CM's" will be quick, easy, and CHEAP to produce, so the bucks will start rolling in before you can say "Combat Mission: Barbarossa and Beyond".

These are the key parts of the game that will keep costs down --

1. There will only be two body types for male characters. The first will be old, fat, and dumpy, while the second will be young, skinny, and pale. Sound real enough??

2. There will be just one female character type, who will appear very rarely in "The CM's", again modeling real life. However, we will include some male characters who act like women, and occasionally look like them too, but only on weekends. Most of these types will be based upon Cesspooligans.

3. Living quarters for "The CM's" will be a computer desk, a refrigerator, and a toilet. That's it!! Beautifully simple, and historically accurate down to the last detail. Remember, this is a life strategy game, so you need to move you characters from one of these three places to the others without missing your turn or making too much mess.

4. There will be no social interaction with any other characters, either on-screen or off-screen. This not only reflects the real lives of CM players, but also saves our programmers a lot of time and hassle.

5. To save more money, graphics for "The CM's" will be low notch and low-res. But open source coding will permit hi-res mod-makers to apply details such as zits and green teeth for players seeking a more realistic and immersive experience.

6. The setting for the "The CM's" will be America, of course. We can't afford to model funny looking buildings in foreign countries or the strange things they eat and drink. In deference to our mates "down under", there will a rudimentary outdoor toilet mod to better simulate life in Oz.

7. Game sounds for "The CM's" will be both easy and effective. There will be the seven deadliest cuss words spoken in American English, and repeated with a heavy foreign accent to simulate how people speak in other countries. Then, we will have two basic "belch" sounds (high and low pitch), and six sounds of flatulence ranging from 7.62mm to 120mm to faithfully capture the effects of size differences among CM players.

8. Game rules for "The CM's" are simple, so we won't need to spend money printing them. A player just points and clicks on individual pixel people until he either falls asleep or falls out of his chair. To add to the social feel of the game, we will encourage players to drink until intoxicated "to have more fun". Most will do this anyway, as they do when playing CM, but we will still add this as a "special feature" in the game to justify the price.

And the price?? How about just $49.99? To that, we will need to add postage and handling of $169.99 to cover "expenses". No checks or foreign currency.

Are you ready for "The CM's"? Ready to buy and invest?? Got some more cheap game ideas to make "The CM's" more realistic and enjoyable without spending more money???

Then let us know right here and now, so our "game developers" can buy another case of beer and have the final product ready to ship by tomorrow morning.

Hey, BTS, this game business is pretty cool, and not as hard as you make it sound...

[tenfive2]

Funny!

[Iskander]

Slow day at the Fed, Jake?

[Panzer Leader]

One question, will it have a campiagn game?

[MrSpkr]

As the project gains momentum, I think you should definitely consider an expansion pack - "The CM's: Gettin Large". This pack would add a few basic items to the CM's world, such as stale twinkies, donuts, and carryout food. The CM's body style could then morph from pale and skinny to fat and bald dependent, of course, on the level of snack foods at hand.

Additionally, the pack could feature a new character known only as "the Wife". Her primary function will be to wander on screen occasionally and utter comments such as:

<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>"YOU SAID IT WOULD ONLY BE TEN MORE MINUTES TWO HOURS AGO!"

<LI>"YOU NEED TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH THE CHILDREN."

<LI>"WILL YOU PLEASE CARRY OUT THE &*%$@ TRASH!"

<LI>"WALK THE $&*%@ DOG BEFORE IT CRAPS ON THE CARPET AGAIN!"

and of course,

<LI>"I'M MOVING TO MOM'S AND TAKING THE KIDS! YOU'LL HEAR FROM MY LAWYER!"

This last statement sequence will trigger the online portion of the game. Players will be asked to pay between 1/4 and 1/2 their gross monthly income directly to Lawyer for continuing game and Internet services. Just like in real life, failure to pay means you won't be able to play!

By gum, Jake, I think you are on to something here!

[ 06-28-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]

[MikeyD]

Too late. Bungee has already come out with "Sim-CM"! A lot of little characters in bathrobes walking from the pc monitor to the fridge to the bathroom.

[Lawyer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

As the project gains momentum, I think you should definitely consider an expansion pack - "The CM's: Gettin Large". This pack would add a few basic items to the CM's world, such as stale twinkies, donuts, and carryout food. The CM's body style could then morph from pale and skinny to fat and bald dependent, of course, on the level of snack foods at hand.

Additionally, the pack could feature a new character known only as "the Wife". Her primary function will be to wander on screen occasionally and utter comments such as:

<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>"YOU SAID IT WOULD ONLY BE TEN MORE MINUTES TWO HOURS AGO!"

<LI>"YOU NEED TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH THE CHILDREN."

<LI>"WILL YOU PLEASE CARRY OUT THE &*%$@ TRASH!"

<LI>"WALK THE $&*%@ DOG BEFORE IT CRAPS ON THE CARPET AGAIN!"

and of course,

<LI>"I'M MOVING TO MOM'S AND TAKING THE KIDS! YOU'LL HEAR FROM MY LAWYER!"

This last statement sequence will trigger the online portion of the game. Players will be asked to pay between 1/4 and 1/2 their gross monthly income directly to Lawyer for continuing game and Internet services. Just like in real life, failure to pay means you won't be able to play!

By gum, Jake, I think you are on to something here!

[ 06-28-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I like the cut of your jib, Mr Spkr. I can smell the money already...

[Joe Shaw]

Isn't is just like a Lawyer, specifically THIS Lawyer (seems I say the same thing once a week or so ... go figure) to take the fruit of someone else's labor and make money from it. As Lawyer WELL KNOWS, his whole concept for The CMs came to him after he read MY post about the shameful lack of shameful mods in CM and my comparison to The Sims.

My solution is really quite simple ... I need a piece of the action Jake.

Joe

[Pvt. Ryan]

I know you want to keep the game simple, but you could add an element where you have to somehow scrounge up enough cash to upgrade your CM's computer to be able to install mods and play future versions of CM. If the Mhz health meter on your CM's PC drops into the red zone your CM dies. To avoid this you can hire Max Mus to upgrapde your CM's computer on a regular basis. If you can't afford to pay Max Mus he replaces your PC with a Mac. Your CM can still play CM, but he can't install any new mods.

[Soddball]

Not only that, you have to pay £100 a month for no readily apparent reason because your lawyer is a thieving b*****d ard.

[Stuka]

I like cheese.

[Phillies Phan]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Stuka:

I like cheese.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

what type? Head?

[Ellros]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> bald dependent <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You put that in, and you'll have to pay royalties to Madmatt Either that, or get sued by him for copyright infringement

[lcm1947]

That was extremely funny. Thank you. I laughed out loud on that one.

[Mace]

Lawyer, had a liquid lunch again?!

Mace

[ 06-28-2001: Message edited by: Mace ]

[Pzman]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Pvt. Ryan:

If you can't afford to pay Max Mus he replaces your PC with a Mac. Your CM can still play CM, but he can't install any new mods.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

What no Mods for Mac's :mad: what are you talking about.

[Lawyer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mace:

Lawyer, had a liquid lunch again?!

Mace

[ 06-28-2001: Message edited by: Mace ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

As always, your devotion to living off the taxpayers prevents you from seeing the real money-making possibilities of private sector innovation. But "The CM's" has a character named "Meese" who bollocks mice. Does this strike too close to home?

I'm gonna start spending my efforts on Stuka from now on. At least he has the decency and taste to act like he's hip by posting pictures of himself with his sister's high school friend. You, on the other hand, just look like Nature's cruel twist on the unnatural offspring of Donny Osmond and Rolf Harris.

BTW, I must edit this post to wonder why you needed to edit your simple one-line post. Oh I see, Ozzie education, gotcha.

[ 06-28-2001: Message edited by: Lawyer ]

[Redmow]

You forgot the phone...so I ...uh...I mean the game character can call in sick to work. And you forgot 3..uh, any number, of rugrats accidentally knocking a beer onto the keyboard. And the enjoyment factor will intensify if you make the wife strip neked and pose meaningfully as my...uh any wife would do, I suppose...uh...gotta go.

[Mace]

Ahhh, a lawyer who misreads! How typical.

I never said it was a bad idea, ya nong! I was just trying to establish a relationship between your better ideas and the amount of alcohol consumed!

As for spending your efforts on Stuka, I believe he's already spoken for (but good luck to you anyway).

Mace

[maxm2]

Mace, I believe your tag line (Dolly: baaaaAAAaaa") should read: "Dolly: BaaaaaaaaaDDD" shouldn't it? Or maybe even "BleeeEEEt"?

Back on topic, I was thinking that perhaps the CiMs could get into some real CM type action if there was a "Deathmatch Arena" where you could send you CiM after arming him with armor (his heaviest tee shirts, layered, and boxer shorts soaked in starch) and special weapons (clusters of pre-shaken beer cans launched with a vacuum cleaner; a computer mouse with razors to be swung over the head with devistating effect on all who come close).

Or what about "The Grog Pit" where the grognards engage in historical bean-counting conflicts until one falls asleep or has a heart attack upon hearing a particularly horrible misstatement of "fact:"

"Cog wheels on 1942 Shermans made in California in Lots 2271 through 2277 were NEVER more than thirty centimeters wide, you moron!! I can't believe your stupidity and your--uhhhhhhh!" >plop<

I'd pay to watch it, anyway. Wait a minute...I get to watch the Grog Pit for free!