The past of Peng, so no more questions, OK? AKA The Peng FAQ

[imported_Wildman]

I couldn't help it, MadMatt. After all of the questions of Who is Peng? Why is he like he is? Why does he hate smileys? Why is he a Pod? What is the CessPool? What are they talking about?

As a community service I had to create a PENG FAQ!

Below are some of his most famous diatribes. Including the HTML link for the entire thread.

First...Why does Peng hate smileys? Answer:

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I must take strenuous issue with that subject heading! There is absolutely nothing truthful about smilies, and the thought police certainly want you to know what it is. Therefore, as a public service, I will undertake the task of resolving the smilie controversey that isn't once and perhaps, twice, and maybe even for good. or ill.

So.

There was a time when the written word didn't require pictures to convey meaning. Those of you who may have picked up a book in which the only picture was perhaps a dust jacket photo of the author might remember this time. It existed somewhere between children's story books and your first email or BBS smilie.

If you recall correctly this time included entire words, spelled correctly, and typically some sort of punctuation which would separate the sentences into what many teachers used to call "complete thoughts." Sometimes the author would use a rhetorical device ( some early rhetorical devices ran at only 33MHz!) with funny old Latin names like "praeter itio," which I won't mention.

Sometimes authors used nice techniques called Irony, Satire and Sarcasm (an ascending tri-colon). What seems odd to us about these techniques today is that the words that the author used conveyed the meaning. Certainly there were thickies that didn't quite "get it" when Irony would smack them accross the noggin, but that's precisely because they were thick. One despairs that even the cunning and naughty MrWinky, the Cheeky Monkey, could not raise the intellect of the thick to a level of ironic awareness.

And so it is with our little friend Sarcasm. It is often proclaimed quite loudly that sarcasm is difficult to parse from the written word, and so we should make our intent plain by adding MrWinky, or perhaps even a MrRazz to make double-extra super sure that the target of the sarcastic remark is "in the know."

WARNING: the following statement is inregard to American English, which in my Ignorance is the only language I am able to speak and write. It is not in any way, shape or form meant to impugne any other language spoken here. END OF WARNING.

The English Language is rich: it has evolved over centuries, borrowing from, stealing from and swallowing wholesale entire other languages. It is a Monster of a language. We have at least two ways of naming absolutely everything, dependent upon from which root language you care to select the name. We have so many ways of saying the same thing that it seems we cannot help but stumble accross a way to convey what we mean with only the words. And yet...

OFFICIAL NOTE: the following does not fall under the above WARNING. That bit is over.

And yet, we have become so careless, so self absorbed and in such a hurry to get our two cents in; such a blasted, egomaniacal rush, that we ignore the meaning of what others write. We do not take the time to digest the written word. We do not allow ourselves the opportunity to read what the other guy has written, so busy are we in our sweat to "respond" to our nemesis, that we now require a little helper to convey the meaning for us. It seems the symbols we all agreed upon to convey our meanings are too difficult to decipher.

The ugly truth is that the helpers do not help. They diminish our capacity to communicate effectively with one another. They are frauds. The writer tosses off a smilie because he is worried the reader won't understand the written word. The reader tosses away the smilie because the writer didn't really mean it.

The writer should take the time to write what he means. The reader should take the time to understand. Smilies do nothing to enhance our discourse.

Then again...they are kinda cute, huh?

Peng wearily climbs down from his soap box.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

and the link. http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/004006.html

Second...Why is Peng the way he is? Two Answers:

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>MMMMM. An old lush like me really digs the finer boozes (boozes?). My old mum had a dandy bottle of single malt for her birthday, no idea what it was, but i really enjoyed it. As far as hard stuff goes I am a big fan of the Wild Turkey, esp the 101 proof variety. Other than that, a nice hoppy ale like an IPA in warmer weather, or something chewey like a dopplebock, yaknow, a beer with BALLS. Not some wimpy farging thing made mostly from rice that was introduced to a hop cone once. Gawd, there should be restrictions on naming alcohols that only faintly resemble their betters!

Some might say that enjoying finely crafted beverages of any sort is snobery, and that any old swill is good enough if ya kin git a buzz frum it. Then again there are some who think that "paint by the numbers" is art.

I guess it takes all kinds, and that's why Coors light sells so much. Or maybe it's Selma Hyak's wunderbrapushedupboobs that sells the "beer."

OK now that the patently obvious dig at our old pal Lewis is over with... Please comment on THE MOST SMOKYEST AND YET STILL POTABLE SINGLE MALT. I want to try it. Let's hear it all you Scotch-drinkin-men!

Peng

thirsty<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/005859-3.html

Now if alcohol doesn't answer the question, then nothing will.

-or-

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>It is true. I am heartless and I have no mercy. It does not appear in my user profile but I think I have mentioned elsewhere that I am a Pod. Pods are not human. Sometimes we like to help the humans, but mostly we just like to irritate them. We especially like to send countless numbers of 3D animated humans to flaming deaths, both the enemy and our own. It is the one thing in life that gives us pleasure (other than substance abuse, spousal abuse, self abuse and rodent abuse {DIE, MICKEY MOUSE, DIE!}) OK 4 things give a Pod pleasure, and maybe watching a little TV now and then and sometimes a nice walk in the woods...6 things. Oh, and Dark Chocolate Cheese cake!!! 7 things!!! there are Seven Things that make a POD HAPPY!!! And when your youngest is finally toilet trained! That's great. Yeah, No MORE DIAPERS! THAT MAKES PODS HAPPY!!! AH AH AH HA HA HA HA HA HEE HEE HEE OH I'M SOOOOO HAPPPPYYYYYYY!!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Third...How did the CessPool get started? Answer:

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Excerpted wholesale from the 'Who's a Good Australian, Then' thread (roughly titled).

quote:

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Errr. Seanechai, SenileTea? (that is the best I can make of your apparently celtocryllic name) I have it on good authority that you are a sand-bagging, set-up-the-weak-minded-and-knockem-over type who preys upon poor defenseless little grogwishtheycouldbees and then takes a huge 240 dump on them when they are thinking they have a chance in hell of even coming close to securing their own complete surrender to your superior forces and intellect. being a glutton for punishment I say "come at me, eire-boy!"

So sure, what the hell. I prefer to play games that have like infantry and artillery and tanks and blowing up and stuff, and I mostly like to have any one of the nationalities in the game as my team. (no Candians! {until they admit they are just bigger goofier, and colder americans but still have royalty in their lives}) Big Giant freaking scenarios take too long, so either make up a quick one or pick a smallish premade. I am too dumb to buy my own troops effectively. If my idiot raving hasn't completely put you off to playing against me...send me a PBEM. I hope you do not get bored with all of my dying.

I am honored by your challenge

Peng

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Ta Ha! Ta Hey! Or whatever it is that drunk English heroes shout just before they're disemboweled, and left with that expression on their face that says, 'Err, I was just about to add...'

Ha! Peng, I have taken our contest Public! Yes, public, where neither can hide in the shadows, and where the Winner is totally justified in an extremely public display of: Gloating, Abuse, and Bad Sportsmanship!

And it's understood that the Loser will indulge in an orgy of Whining, Rationalization, and Mendacity! If it's a draw, we resort to simple personal abuse!

And, because of your dastardly abuse of our Northern Cousins, I shall field a force of Canadians against you (I live in Minnesota, and I say to you, Canadians are our Friends!), and you, you monster, shall be forced to play the Axis! I shall send you a Quick Battle, in which I (the Heroic Allied [Canadian] Attacker {Ha, I threaten to overtake your use of multiple parenthetical devices}) shall seek to overcome your evil Pengian Teutonic hordes (which shall be Wehrmacht hordes)! And I shall set the force allocations to be computer generated for both sides, and I shall set them at 700 points, and I shall further set the map to be farmland, moderate tree cover, and the hills (besides being alive with the sound of music–someome put a bullet into that damn woman) at significant, but not extreme. And I shall allow both our forces the right of Combined Arms. And many other parameters shall I set, and then, shalt thou meet me in single combat. And if it shall be that thou shalt win, I promise that I shall never again post dialogue that is like unto a Bad Arthurian novel...okay, well, mostly promise. And also, thou shalt have the right of endless abuse.

Okay, for the normal people: I challenged Peng to a PBEM, and he very nobly agreed. I really wanted to challenge Peng because of his almost magical ability to reduce all human interaction to small, burnt, crunchy bits. I admire that in a human being. It strikes me as 'good'. I took this challenge out of it's original thread, and made it public, because...well...probably because there's something wrong with me. But I challenge anyone to prove it!

Peng, look, thee, for my PBEM tomorrow! Well, actually, it's damn late, so I guess today...but look for it really late today.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Perhaps Peng's most famous quote.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>

OH YEAH! AND CRYBABIES TOO!!!!

I got about half way through the autosurrender thread when my head just exploded. I SWEAR TO GOD. MY HEAD EXPLODED! I couldn't read another goddam word from anyone.

OK, I know I haven't been around lately. No posts and maybe a bit of lurking. and my poor PBEM opponents are all cursing me for sitting on turns forever. So be it. this is for reasons of my own. I didn't even get to the thread in question until this afternoon. read a few posts and promised myself I'd be back to comment later today.

Well, i didn't get through the seven goddam pages of swill so there are bits I know nothing about. WHO CARES? from the tone and quality of the first 4 pages i have everything i think i need.

SS, You are a CABBAGE! you are green and leafy and you smell bad when you are cooked too long. Salting and marinating in oak barrels is too good for you, and no one will ever top you off with some nice white wine. I think massive amounts of alcohol might help to mellow you somewhat and perhaps give you a more pleasant taste. But essentially you are sour and spoiled and not fit for human consumption, except in the most dire of circumstances.

Even when concilliation is rubbed generously on your broad green leaves and into your stems like a savory paste, you reject it on grounds that it is actually a lump of cold poisonous evil, as the use of smilies obfuscates bad intent.

In My Humble Opinion, you are a nit-picking, bad-tempered, grudge-harboring, humorless, thin-skinned, hyphenated, girly-man. I for one will avoid you and your posts.

Since this post is supposed to be aboout cabbages and kings, and the vegetable has been served. on to the kings....

to hell with them too.

Peng

Official Notice: No smilies were used in this post. However, during the composition of this post several smilies were tortured to death, by me, with great huge pointy sticks and jolts of electricity and hot pepper extracts rubbed into their naughty bits.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Many people come into the the officially sanctioned CessPool and ask/complain. "I thought this was a great place to find PBEM partners, why is everyone yelling at me?" Well the answer is simple, in the words of...of..well, someone who pontificats often in the Pool, Joe Shaw.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Notice to Scum Sucking Newbies

Go Away! Go Far Away and Go Now! We like the group that's here ... for the most part ... individually they're swine but the sum of the parts, etc. We did not ask you to drop by and we'd frankly prefer that you drop dead. If you DO decide that you MUST stick around ... Have A Reason! Are Geek apparently didn't get the drift of my message and responded with chapter and verse ... as if we care ... of his life and times {gag}. So lad, without getting into YOUR missive (reading it again is more than my digestive tract can handle right now) ... IS THERE SOMETHING WE CAN DO FOR YOU OR WERE YOU JUST VISITING? If the later (please, please, PLEASE ... let him just be visiting) your VISA is revoked and you have been PNGed ... not to be confused with being PENGed, which is, frankly, much worse. Stand not upon the order of your going, etc. If the former ... go away anyway, we're not in the mood right now.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

or perhaps what is normally always posted in the first post of a new Peng thread, in this case by our resident evil doer Berlichigen or something like that.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>1) Single someone out... group challenges just add to the proof that you are a moron.

2) Be creative... if not its just more proof that you are a moron

3) SOUND OFF LIKE YA GOT A PAIR!

So, as you can see, if you post, you are likely to prove beyond a doubt that you are a moron<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

and finally for those of you who still scratch your heads and wonder why three lawyers, a mortgage banker, Air Force Officer, several Webmaster, and a partridge in a pear tree would ever want to be involved in somthing like the CessPool; a missive from Gyrene (yes a marine, who would have thought?)

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Dunnee, it took me a while to figure this out (I'm kinda slow, see?) but the Peng thread is just this one section of the forum were these guys who have been playing this game for a while like to challenge each other for CM games, have their own internal rating system and enjoy coming up with verbally creative ways of ribbing on each other.

It's kind of like a club, closer to a college farternity. Childish at times, but it serves a specific purpose. The whole point of the "Peng thread" is that they have gotten explicit permission from BTS to have their thread in the CM General Forum (As opposed to the BTS General Forum) as long as their lunacy is contained to the current Peng thread.

They seem to keep this bargain and do not invade other threads that I have noticed.

Now, newbies like myself will go and post on the Peng thread and be taken aback when 5 or 6 people jump all over you with insults. Here's the part that is hard to grasp...This is just like in the military, new guys will be hazed unmercifully, but in reality the old timers don't hate you...They are testing you

Also like in the military, there will come a point when your position changes and you start joining in on the ribbing and the invisible line is crossed.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I can only hope this helps and may stop the complete ploriferation of "who is Peng?" threads that pop up from time to time.

[ 05-09-2001: Message edited by: Wildman ]

Edited to add his Podnesses, Pod Reasoning

[ 05-10-2001: Message edited by: Wildman ]

[ 05-10-2001: Message edited by: Wildman ]

[russellmz]

i have diligently added this to the Unofficial CM FAQ(Now with Answers!)

...with a warning that it is for reader confusion...

[Berlichtingen]

Sweeeet!

[offtaskagain]

Finally, real answers. Now I vaguely know what all of this "Peng Thread" crap is supposed to be about.

[Gyrene]

The whole thing is just a myth...Like that Sniper duel in Stalingrad and the Ether Bunny (Read up on that one, you Google trivia cheating bastiches!) and the whole post didn't have a single mention of British or Australian posters! Why's that mate?

You Americans think you invented the whole internet all by yourselves, I'll let you know, Charles Babbage (Babbage, not cabbage) is the father of the computer! And he was a Briton, mind you!

And Peng wouldn't stand a chance against the King Tiger, because the KT's 88mm smilie cannon, could easily penetrate Peng's 4mm, albeit well sloped cranium! And neither would any of you, for that matter, because your head is a soda can, or a beer can for some of you other readers! The King Tiger and Panther were the greatest machines ever made and I regularly sleep with all my scale models of them!

And you if think that the AI is easy to beat it's because you are playing using the input devices in your computer, and not by Jedi mind power like I do! Let me tell you, the AI is unbeatable when you can't effectively give orders!

And if I had the M16 I could easily dispose of the Hamster Hordes with it's Quad 50 ass chewing power! I will use ResEdit to include it in my Desert Storm mod! You will all ph33r my l337 mod making skillz!

And you can all see what my car is like!

But I digress.

Gyrene

And btw, the Best Soldier of WWII was me! So there.

<edited to include that last nugget of wisdom>

[ 05-10-2001: Message edited by: Gyrene ]

[Schrullenhaft]

Madmatt has secretly been compiling the 'Cesspool' threads and will soon release...

The Best of Peng and the 'Cesspoolers

Unfortunately distribution agreements have limited its placement in store shelves between SPAM and really cheap alcohol at your local convenience store.

[Simon Fox]

Shaw is right. Any minute now Wildman will start posting smileys and start tittering to himself about how daring he is.

[Seanachai]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Schrullenhaft:

Madmatt has secretly been compiling the 'Cesspool' threads and will soon release...

The Best of Peng and the 'Cesspoolers

Unfortunately distribution agreements have limited its placement in store shelves between SPAM and really cheap alcohol at your local convenience store.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

My gods, we have arrived, that we have! How cheap is the alcohol? My 'Journey to Discover America', that quickly turned into my 'Journey to Discover the Cheapest Jug of Red Wine in America'(Battle Mountain, Nevada; $1.59 for 3 Litres of 'some form of Burgundy') would have done the Peng Challenge Thread proud.

[chrisl]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Schrullenhaft:

The Best of Peng and the 'Cesspoolers

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

As sung by William Shatner.

Honestly, the first one about smilies is one of my favorite Peng posts of all time, superior, in fact, to the Cabbages and Kings (which was a fine post in itself). I had lost track of where the anti-smiley post was, and feared that it was lost forever.

[mensch]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

Sweeeet!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

yes..isn't it..

*looks around*

Say Berli it that a fly on your head?

*wacks Berli with a stinky Fish*

WHERES MY TURN YOU NOG!??

[Mark IV]

You never did answer the question about pods, however:

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>It is true. I am heartless and I have no mercy. It does not appear in my user profile but I think I have mentioned elsewhere that I am a Pod. Pods are not human. Sometimes we like to help the humans, but mostly we just like to irritate them. We especially like to send countless numbers of 3D animated humans to flaming deaths, both the enemy and our own. It is the one thing in life that gives us pleasure (other than substance abuse, spousal abuse, self abuse and rodent abuse {DIE, MICKEY MOUSE, DIE!}) OK 4 things give a Pod pleasure, and maybe watching a little TV now and then and sometimes a nice walk in the woods...6 things. Oh, and Dark Chocolate Cheese cake!!! 7 things!!! there are Seven Things that make a POD HAPPY!!! And when your youngest is finally toilet trained! That's great. Yeah, No MORE DIAPERS! THAT MAKES PODS HAPPY!!! AH AH AH HA HA HA HA HA HEE HEE HEE OH I'M SOOOOO HAPPPPYYYYYYY!!!!

Peng out <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Peng Lore

[Lawyer]

What a brilliant tour through the evolution of Peng. Reading these again brought tears to my eyes, or something...

Unfortunately, Peng, like Paul McCartney, has devolved from greatness, so we need to play the old songs over and over again. What with his new line of Pod cosmetics, Smiley Face clothing, Peng Dictationary, and national chain of Peng De-Tox Centers, he is just a corporate suit commercial operation now. Kinda like the Rolling Stones tours being sponsored by Budweiser and Visa...

Life changes, Lads, but rarely does success improve the original art. Thank goodness, we have this public trove of Peng-mania to keep us going, and also meeting at seedy Quality Inn ballrooms on Saturdays to shake the aging hand of the Shatner-Peng for $5 per pop, while exchanging things and sharing the olden, golden moments.

**sigh....**

[ferdinand]

I thought the main board was only for cold-blodeed, poker-faced, tight-lipped true gognards who could show Clint Eastwood a thing or two about counter pushing...

Or are you guys now allowed to start about any old thread just by putting the Peng brand into the title ?

Speaking of which I fully share MrPeng's opinion about smileys, only they were called emoticons last time I checked.

[jd]

What follows is the initial post from thePeng in Paradise thread and some guides to some of the threads for the scholarly research types. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Recent invocations of the Mutha Beautiful Peng Challenge thread have been in dreary and dank places. A tip o' the hat to Meeks for suggesting a tropical setting, the Carribean perhaps. So sit down on the lanai, put your feet up and let the tradewinds caress you as lovely maidens (and an occasional swarthy manservant for Kitty and Emma) rub oils and lotions.....and don't forget the little umbrellas in the drinks, so assuming Matts approval......Have at it boys, your own paradise.....

Oh and a bit of history, given by Mark IV in in an earlier reply to the general question what is this place? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>

The topic has never changed. It is still about ripping the skull off one's enemies, slurping out their brains, spitting the fibrous chunks into the eyes of passers-by, and belching with satisfaction.

It is also a place for loathing the stupid and despising the obvious. There are no hamsters here. There were, but they became stupid and obvious. They were one of the many gifts your local Peng thread has given you, of the Outer Board. We have moved on. Expect more.

This is the place for playing the damned game! Not for another button on the user interface that undoes all your mistakes and sucks the bullets back into the guns, not for quibbling over ballistics and optics, not for amusing anecdotes about what your Panther did against the AI this morning, but for taking the game as it stands and pointing all these wonderful weapons at one another.

You've never heard music until you've heard the bleating of a gut-shot cesspooler.

Long live the Peng Thread!

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

A Thousand Years of Peng....... Thread 2 http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/011566.html 10/12/00-11/28/00 104 pages

Aussie adventure : http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/013030.html 11/28/00-12/18/00 40 pages

The escape from Down under http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/013850.html 12/18/00-1/12/01 37 pages

The Meeks Diversion: Time to lock the forum...

http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/014862.html 1/12/01-1/22/01 23pages

Kinder Gentler Cess http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/015377.html 1/22/01-1/30/01 25 pages

Maple Leaf up! http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/015730.html 1-30-01-02/07/01 20 pages

Germany http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/016037.html 2/07/01-2/21/01 15 pages

Peng in Paradise http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/016566.html 2/21/01-current

[Blenheim]

First of all....

:cool: :cool: :cool: :eek:

So sue me....

Well anyway. I thing it's time to open an exclusive "Peng Forum" in the BBS. Those guys are cluttering the board. Don´t misread me; I really love the Peng cult, and I feel the whole stuff damm funny. But you are all ove the screen constantly, always in the first page, posting....

Peng forums NOW !!! Free PENG for his CM forum captivity !!!!

[imported_Wildman]

More edits to the FAQ, hopefully they will help anyone before they accidently wander into Cessdom.

[Stalins Organ]

What a good idea Blenhiem - a separate forum for Peng - I vote for it!!

[ 05-10-2001: Message edited by: Mike the bike ]

[Juardis]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Gyrene:

You Americans think you invented the whole internet all by yourselves, I'll let you know, Charles Babbage (Babbage, not cabbage) is the father of the computer! And he was a Briton, mind you!

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Of course we did mate. Err, no, actually, Al Gore did. Honest. Ask him yourself.

(a smilie tried to force itself on this post but my alter-ego squelched it and stepped on it before it could be fully realized)

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Blenheim:

Well anyway. I thing it's time to open an exclusive "Peng Forum" in the BBS. Those guys are cluttering the board . . . But you are all ove {sic} the screen constantly, always in the first page, posting....<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

One thread among the twenty-five appearing on the first page is clutter?

Geez - you must make Felix Unger look unorganized.

MrSpkr