Dear Seanachai: Return of a Great Bid For Hatred, and Genesis of a CMBB 'Agony Aunt'

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by mike the wino:

Dear Seanachi/ Aunt Agony ,

I was recently caught up in a mass-proposition by one Berli . I accepted his offer of CMBB...and "maybe more". After one lackluster file sent, I haven't heard from him since? No calls, letters, emails, or even a brick through my front window. Should I continue to wait patiently for him to respond, or should I join a "clan" (or was it a clam?) to satisfy all my CMBB needs? Or what about those nice "Peng" lads and lasses? I hear so many nice things about them.

My only solace has been to read the ongoing "Does the AI cheat" thread and I am finding it a bit lacking. I really need your expert advice.

Sincerly,

Lost on the Russian Steppes

Dear Lost on the Steppes:

While I know that that dear man, Berlichtigen, has already responded to you, I still feel you're owed a response of my own.

Never doubt Berli, lad. You see, he's the Dark and Evil Lord. And you just can't go wrong with people like that. They're always there for you. Especially, of course, at the hour of your death, but often with great regularity before that great transition.

For example, all I have to do is decide to stay up until 5 AM answering the lonesome bleatings of the 'Dear Seanachai' thread, and that will pretty much guarantee an 8 AM 'how's it going' call from Berli.

It's not that Evil never sleeps, you see. It just knows when you don't. Now, if ever you're deeply troubled about the rate of return from Berli, you can stick your head into the Peng Challenge Thread, as that other pillock did, and yell out for a turn. Your message will, of course, not be passed on to him, but it does annoy the other inmates.

As for the Peng Challenge Thread, well, the 'lasses' are indeed all quite nice. Unless you annoy them, and then they're not. But they'll be courteous, even while telling you what an arse you are.

As for the lads being 'nice'...well, they are indeed. Very nice lads, the lads of the Cesspool. Only not 'nice' in its modern usage. Rather more as it used to be used, indicating 'precise'. Although some aren't very precise, and go more for the hack and slash approach.

Still, you seem devoutly drunk and amiable, so I'm sure that you will be welcomed with open arms, probably of several different calibers...

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by MrSpkr:

Dear Seanachai:

I hate my job. Every week, Monday through Friday, I have to get out of the warm comfort of my bed, put on a suit and noose, er, tie, and trudge to the oversized SUV. Then I have to drive forty-five minutes, park two blocks away, go up to the office, deal with whiny, incompetent boobs who make more money than I do, avoid office gossips who would just as soon backstab a drowning man as throw him a rope, and attend to unrealistic demands from a boss who is the devil's own arsehole.

Now, this is not ENTIRELY without benefits, as every hour at the office is an hour away from the wife and four kids (ahhh-- absence DOES make the heart grow fonder), and I do get paid reasonably well, but I find it is cutting into my CM time.

What do you recommend?

Signed,

Worried in Waxahachie

Dear Worried:

Deary, deary me. You are in a bit of a pickle, aren't you?

The answer, of course, is to consider all the blessings you've been given. A job commensurate with your skills, a fecund wife who has born you many children, and children, that dearest gift of all, that will live on after your job and family have killed you at an unnaturally early age, bearing not only your genetic material on into the future, but heartfelt memories of their Ol' Da', a beaten, whinging shadow of a real man whose major contribution to their lives was filling them with a sense of superiourity and pity.

Seanachai's advice to you is that, after counting your blessings, you fake your own death, assume a new identity, and move out of that sodden wasteland of a State that the unenlightened call 'Texas', and the realists call 'Baja Oklahoma'.

Then, after starting life over again in some happening community, I advise you to take up with a much younger woman with expensive habits and a decidedly ecclectic taste in immorality, and allow her to destroy you utterly.

Finally, I advise you to meet me under the railroad bridge in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, right by where the city put the statue of David that they commissioned, and then found too 'artistic' (read: naked) for South Dakota, and shuffled off into an unused and unvisited part of the city.

There we will share a bottle of very fine (for the price) wine out of a paper bag decanter, and exchange stories about the vagaries of life.

[ November 05, 2002, 12:16 AM: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

[MrPeng]

Dear Seanachai:

There is a thread named after me that I can't seem to stop. Just when I think it will finally die, some damn flock of SSNs come in and one or two of them actually keep the damned thing alive. I place the blame for this mess squarely on your shoulders. I can think of a sight no more glorious and pleasing than that of your aghast eyes popping out of their sockets in your final death fear as your severed numbskull is roughly jammed onto a pike outside my office door.

Does that make me a bad person?

Curious in Pennsyltucky

Peng

[Joe Shaw]

Peng, shut up. The MBT has a title that includes a series of letters that coincidentally match yours ... deal with it.

Seanachai, while you are swanning about playing advice columnist, there are affairs of state that need your attention on the MBT.

Joe

[Spinlock]

My god.

I can't believe I just read this thread... :mad:

[Lindan]

Originally posted by Spinlock:

My god.

I can't believe I just read this thread... :mad:

Spinlock: I have another thread for you that you'll surely like.

Head over to the Weird threads section

at http://lindan.panzershrk.com and read the very first PENG challenge thread. did I mention it is 120 pages long?

[ November 06, 2002, 06:18 AM: Message edited by: Lindan ]

[Mace]

Dear Seanachai,

As I sucked on a beer, I pondered.

I pondered about the boundaries of the universe, what lies beyond it, the existance of sentient beings elsewhere, the purpose of it all, but mainly I pondered about your love/hate relationship of all things Aussie.

Pray tell, how did it start?

Mace

[Spinlock]

Originally posted by Lindan:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Spinlock:

My god.

I can't believe I just read this thread... :mad:

Spinlock: I have another thread for you that you'll surely like.

Head over to the Weird threads section

at http://lindan.panzershrk.com and read the very first PENG challenge thread. did I mention it is 120 pages long? </font>

[LGMB]

Dear Senachi (or whatever)

Has my hatered arrived yet?

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Lord General MB:

Dear Senachi (or whatever)

Has my hatered arrived yet?

It has indeed, Lord General MB, and it was very good hatred. I immediately called up a friend and read it/described it to them over the phone. I think your future lies in graphic design and copy-editing!

Thank you for your hatred, which was much appreciated by self, especially in the face of the unnecessarily nasty respiratory infection that I'm currently suffering from.

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Spinlock:

Thanks Lindan.... there's another 2 hours of my life I'll never get back... Just like the movie "Loser"... which is what I am for being sucked into this mess.

Dear Spinlock:

Thanks for your rare show of tolerance and understanding! Most people, after reading this thread, spend endless minutes cursing and sputtering.

Of course, you could have asked a heartfelt question.

Something about CMBB, or the Forum, or Life in General, and I would have been happy to take several minutes out of my life to make a reply. Not much of a return, of course, but you would have gotten something back.

Still, it could have been worse. You could have spent several hours reading the assorted wisdom of Slapdragon and All Those Who Hate Him.

If it will make you feel better, I'd be happy to sing you several jolly choruses of "The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All". Would you like that?

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by MrPeng:

Dear Seanachai:

There is a thread named after me that I can't seem to stop. Just when I think it will finally die, some damn flock of SSNs come in and one or two of them actually keep the damned thing alive. I place the blame for this mess squarely on your shoulders. I can think of a sight no more glorious and pleasing than that of your aghast eyes popping out of their sockets in your final death fear as your severed numbskull is roughly jammed onto a pike outside my office door.

Does that make me a bad person?

Curious in Pennsyltucky

Peng

Dear Curious in Pennsyltucky:

Ah, Peng. You complete us.

A much greater man than myself (although not much better paid, when you get right down to it, nor any better treated), once wrote:

Some are born to greatness, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them...

You, my dear Peng, are a victim of all three at once. I would feel for you, indeed I would, if I hadn't actually met you, and realized just how appropriate it is that you, of all creatures, should be subjected to this treatment.

Yes, dear Peng, you've been forced down the 'fame' path of the evolutionary ladder, and, in your own way, understand the stresses faced by Britney Spears, Tony Blair, and Mr. T.

Once a simple drunkard raising a family in the backwoods of Pennsylvania, you made the mistake one night of raising your voice in a howl of disgust at the nature of the world around you. And that howl reverberated over, and over, throughout the world, and, like a broken tuning fork struck against the side of an empty beer bottle, it set up a resonance in an ever-growing number of souls, ampliefied over, and over, until the Peng Challenge Thread had become not only your pedestal, but your prison.

And so here we are, MrPeng, in this new and dark America, and you have become the Evita of the Battlefront.com Forums.

Don't cry for me MrPeng

The truth is I never loved you

All through those taunting days

Our mad existence

I kept my promise

Don't keep your distance

And as for fortune, and as for fame

You never invited them in

Though it seemed to the world they were all one might desire

They are illusions

They are not the solutions they promised to be

The answer was here all the time

I hate you and hope you hate me

Now, Peng, send me a setup.

Not more than 1200 points, mind. Preferably Early War.

[Joe Shaw]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

No such luck Seanachai, for Peng has stated that he is finished with PBEMs, and Peng is an honorable man ... WHOA, what the hell am I saying.

I'll have one too Peng, same as above.

Now get ye both back to the Mutha Beautiful Thread ... get ye both, back home.

Joe

[Gaylord Focker]

Hi my name is Gaylord , and i'm an alchoha- oh wrong room my mistake.

[MrPeng]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by MrPeng:

Dear Seanachai:

snip

Does that make me a bad person?

Curious in Pennsyltucky

Peng

Dear Curious in Pennsyltucky:

Ah, Peng. You complete us.

snip

Don't cry for me MrPeng

The truth is I never loved you

All through those taunting days

Our mad existence

I kept my promise

Don't keep your distance

And as for fortune, and as for fame

You never invited them in

Though it seemed to the world they were all one might desire

They are illusions

They are not the solutions they promised to be

The answer was here all the time

I hate you and hope you hate me

Now, Peng, send me a setup.

Not more than 1200 points, mind. Preferably Early War.</font>

[AUSSIEJEFF]

Dearest Aunt Seanachai

I just love your show and never miss an episode!

However, I must tell you of a terrible plague that is besetting our lovely little tropical paradise "Down South".

In our poor third world country, we are beset by beetle-browed politicians who mouth unfulfilled promises and screw the common man and wo-man, while taking golden kickbacks from multi-national giants and accepting huge pay rises from so-called "remuneration tribunals" whilst at the same time chanting "The economy is weak - you must suffer, peasants ..... ".

Please, please, pretty please, could you please come over and learn them how to "talk proper" and to have "good morals" such as yourself? Even better, could you please come over and replace Little Johnnie as "George Doubleyer's Lapdog"?

At least you seem to be eminently qualified for such an honorable role. And your employment record speaks for itself!

Yours lovingly and forever,

*smooooch* xxxx

Flossie

[ November 08, 2002, 02:46 AM: Message edited by: AussieJeff ]

[Lawyer]

Dear Auntie S,

I saw on the CMBB forum that 3 Swedes are talking to themselves trying to start a "Swedish club" for CMBB, which presumably does not include "full body" massages like the local ones here in Washington do.

1. Is this a missing "Mary Tyler Moore" episode where Phyllis thinks Lars is joining a sex club?

2. How can Swedes have a club that doesn't involve sex and drinking when they don't have sex and can't afford to drink?

3. Do native Swedish sexual inhibitions explain why Minneeeapeolis has so many cheap bars and street walkers?

4. Is Dalem a street walker, or does he wear fishnets just to catch fish?

5. Does Geier know about this Swedish "club"? Has he joined yet? Has he massaged his "member number" enough to join the club?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Remembering ABBA because who can forget,

Volvo Hating Jake

[ November 08, 2002, 08:21 PM: Message edited by: Lawyer ]

[Hamstersss]

Hey yo,

I'm dumbfounded, and not in the common-folk, dur-dee-dur, lost-in-the-woods, hooked-on-hyphens kind of way. I don't get too involved with mundaneaity, one aspect of which would be considering where I spelled mundanaity right the first time, nor do I construct elaborate fantasies involving myself and a group of morally lax school girls and/or Army Group South. And yet, and yet I can't shake the feeling that something's wrong. What's happened to me? Moreover, I'm too energetic to be a nihilist, so what should I do?

Sincerely,

The Hobgoblin of the Simple-Minded

[Berlichtingen]

Dear Seanachai,

Where'd you put the BRICK?

Sincerely,

Overly proud of my new sig

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by AussieJeff:

Dearest Aunt Seanachai

I just love your show and never miss an episode!

However, I must tell you of a terrible plague that is besetting our lovely little tropical paradise "Down South".

In our poor third world country, we are beset by beetle-browed politicians who mouth unfulfilled promises and screw the common man and wo-man, while taking golden kickbacks from multi-national giants and accepting huge pay rises from so-called "remuneration tribunals" whilst at the same time chanting "The economy is weak - you must suffer, peasants ..... ".

Please, please, pretty please, could you please come over and learn them how to "talk proper" and to have "good morals" such as yourself? Even better, could you please come over and replace Little Johnnie as "George Doubleyer's Lapdog"?

At least you seem to be eminently qualified for such an honorable role. And your employment record speaks for itself!

Yours lovingly and forever,

*smooooch* xxxx

Flossie

Dear Flossie:

First off, lad, you need to get over your feeling of being 'unique'. Every country has the people you've described, and they all indulge in the same behaviour.

Now, there is an old story, you were probably told it as a child, of an Emperor who was tricked by a clever con man into believing that he'd been sold a suit of fabulous, regal robes while he instead stood quite, quite naked. A little child, too sodding stu– er, innocent to know not to blow the pitch pointed out his nakedness, and all of the people laughed.

Well, lad over the years the various Emperors in the various nations have given that story a right good going over, and they learned quite a bit from it.

First, they learned to stand in front of the crowd of common people and, despite the fact that they are wearing $800 Gucci suits, they proclaim over and over that they are quite, quite naked. And the common people nod their heads and sigh, and say 'indeed, our poor King George and Queen Cheney (to name but two of this crowd of modern day Emperors).'

And the second trick they picked up from this simple child's tale (told to simple children), is to stand in front of the people and assure them over and over that if the people will only support them, they will soon be giving them flowing robes fit to dress an Emperor. In America this promise comes in the form of promised 'tax cuts'. In Australia I'm sure it takes the form of promising you two marsupials in every pot and a ute in every garage. Or, more likely, that every citizen will have as much beer as they can drink.

Now, anyone familiar with Australia would no doubt question the gullibility of anyone who would believe that there is even that much beer in the world.

But whatever form it takes, it leaves many citizens quite, quite naked, while others examine their tawdry finery, and say 'look! The Emperor has clothed me in regal robes!'

But you and I, dear fan, are the like the little lad in the story, standing there and saying "Here, I'm freezing me bum off! Where's them regal robes you promised us?! Not that shoddy lot of cheap knock offs from Taiwan, I hope, that you've got the middle class convinced represent prosperity, you bloody weasel, I want some bloody ermine trimmed velvet robes of state now, as I was promised, or I'm shouting out that the Emperor has all the clothes!"

The result, of course, is that folks like you and I are immediately dragged off by officers for creating a disturbance of the peace of mind, and locked in a cell were we are forced to fight off the attentions of very drunk and deeply disturbed winos.

Now, as amusing as it would be to step into governing Australia (I've stepped into worse), and even though it might seem like I've spent my whole life training for exactly that job (I can drink a great deal of beer, so you can tell that I'm college educated), I must decline.

Not only would this leave both the 'Dear Seanachai' column bereft of my guidance, but would doubtless cause undo rejoicing in the Peng Challenge Thread. Also, you have to understand that as a young man (which puts it back a bit), I very carefully examined my own soul, and took a vow never to go into politics.

You see, I would simply have been too good at it. It would have...well, not 'destroyed me', as I would undoubtedly be much richer and more powerful than I am today. No, rather it would have corrupted me, totally and absolutely.

So I turned my back on politics, and chose the cleaner, less morally dirtying path of drunkeness and serious drug use.

So, the next time you're at an Aussie political rally of any ilk, make sure you get up in the very front, and when the promises are being made, bellow out at the top of your lungs "Here, we're bloody naked out here, and my sodding house didn't cost as much as what you're wearing!"

[ November 09, 2002, 12:25 AM: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Elijah Meeks:

Hey yo,

I'm dumbfounded, and not in the common-folk, dur-dee-dur, lost-in-the-woods, hooked-on-hyphens kind of way. I don't get too involved with mundaneaity, one aspect of which would be considering where I spelled mundanaity right the first time, nor do I construct elaborate fantasies involving myself and a group of morally lax school girls and/or Army Group South. And yet, and yet I can't shake the feeling that something's wrong. What's happened to me? Moreover, I'm too energetic to be a nihilist, so what should I do?

Sincerely,

The Hobgoblin of the Simple-Minded

Dear Simple-minded Hobgoblin:

Something is wrong, lad. Everyone feels that way at one point or another, and anyone who's stumbled into the General Forum feels that way most of the time (certainly after they fight their way back out), but there is no one that never feels that way.

Well, except Bill Gates. But then, anyone who just happens to find himself carrying a garbage can back to the garage when a sudden, short, inexplicable rain of gold coins occurs, and decides from this event that he's both a genius and a great businessman, can't help but feel that the world is his oyster, and damn the months with an 'r' in them.

But various nations have called this 'feeling' you have by a variety of names.

The Germans, of course, call it 'angst'. As a philosophical concept, they meant, of course, a sense of brooding anxiety. Of course, the roots of the word are in the word 'fear', and no one knows more about that then the Germans, having inspired so much of it in the peoples around them for so long. Indeed, philosophers with a grasp of history have often stated that when German philosophers talked about Der Angst, they were simply picking up the reflected emotions of all the nations on their borders (up to two removes, in fact).

Now, the French were more likely to call this feeling 'ennui'. It was their version of 'something is wrong', and the word has it's roots in their language in the concepts of boredom, annoyance, hate. Again, it's just like a mirror, isn't it?

Now, here in America we have developed the same, specialized language of philosophy in our term 'the world's giving me the red-ass'.

Unlike those Europeans, we are not so parsimonious with language, and we like to get right to the seat of the problem. And, once again, the anxiety we feel about the world is pretty much what we give..

Of course you are too energetic to be a nihilist, Meeks! That is why you are destined to be an Anarchist. It's like a Nihilist with a positive mental attitude and a go-getter, self-starter approach to the Angst, Ennui, and Red-Ass of the world.

Now, run along and kill Archduke Ferdinand.

There's a good lad.

[ November 09, 2002, 01:06 AM: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

[Lorak]

Dear Seanachai,

I have an addiction that I just can't seem to fill and I go through withdrawl daily. There is this, oh.. lets cal it a thread. Where a lot of people that I have an extream hatred for seem to congregate.

Sadly, while I can read thier utter tripe every day, I can not post and set them straight on thier idiotic musings until several days after thier misplaced ideas have been made manifest. This is causing me much distress and has even started to interfear with my drinking.

So, my question is this. Should I say screw it and reply to stuff several days late and have them wonder what the hell I am replying to?( they haved the memory of a sick goldfish)

Or just bite my tounge really hard and then take liberal shots of scotch to kill the pain?

Yours in extreem self-loathing

Lorak

[ November 09, 2002, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: Lorak ]

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Lorak:

Dear Seanachai,

I have an addiction that I just can't seem to fill and I go through withdrawl daily. There is this, oh.. lets cal it a thread. Where a lot of people that I have an extream hatred for seem to congregate.

Sadly, while I can read thier utter tripe every day, I can not post and set them straight on thier idiotic musings until several days after thier misplaced ideas have been made manifest. This is causing me much distress and has even started to interfear with my drinking.

So, my question is this. Should I say screw it and reply to stuff several days late and have them wonder what the hell I am replying to?( they haved the memory of a sick goldfish)

Or just bite my tounge really hard and then take liberal shots of scotch to kill the pain?

Yours in extreem self-loathing

Lorak

Dear Lorak:

Of course you should, lad! As one puts down a good wine to mellow, and sets aside a good cheese to age, and a bit of killed game to hang until it falls off the hook with rotting, so one should let all good hatred and taunting ripen before bringing it forth unto the people for whom it's intended.

Ask yourself this, lad. Would you rather fling a dead raccoon at your enemies when it's freshly killed, and will do naught more than 'thud' as it impacts them, or would you like to see that same, large, well-fed and long dead raccoon that's lain rotting for a number of days strike your enemies as a sort of technicolor, Disney nightmare, splashy 'bioware bomb'?

Ah, the glory! Believe me, dear Lorak, their hideous screams, when hit with the rotting corpse are a music to rival everything except, of course, O'Carolan.

Be smart, though, and never grasp the carcass by the tail as you whirl it over your head. The tail's always one of the first things to give when you do the 'rotting corpse toss'.

Grasp it firmly by the hind feet.

But, in any case, lad, hurry on over to the posting place of your enemies, and toss off your barbed remarks soonest.

Frankly, most of the 'immediate response' stuff from the current lot of lackwits is rather shoddy. A bit of pondering, a bit of thought, a bit of reflection wouldn't hurt any of the stupid bastards.

[ November 11, 2002, 12:02 AM: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

[Yeknodathon]

Dear Auntie Seany-pops

I've got me a Hyperdrox but it doesn't come with any feckin instructions.

Where do I place me batteries?

Yeknod

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by Yeknodathon:

Where do I place me batteries?

Do you really want an answer to that?