Dear Seanachai: Return of a Great Bid For Hatred, and Genesis of a CMBB 'Agony Aunt'

[Nolloff]

Dear Seanachai,

I wish I could hate you as much as I hate BFC. They made me buy this game by convincing me it´s realistic. I installed it and what do I see? "Waffengrenadier"! Not only is this an outrageous attempt at robbing me of my national identity. This is clearly the most evil revisionist doing that has ever soiled the Grossdeutsche heritage! If this company was responsible for Wolfenstein they´d probably have gone so far to deny the Führer his moustache and in the process make the game insulting, unrealistic and uplayable. How can I transfer this immense hatred upon you? I´d gladly drop napalm on your garden if I could...

Btw: Does the fact that I miss the SS makes me a grog? Maybe it´s possible to get a discount on my forum ID now that I´ve shown I´m worthy?

Moustache-less and befouled in Germany

[ October 31, 2002, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: Nolloff ]

[Joe Shaw]

Originally posted by Nolloff:

Dear Seanachai,

I wish I could hate you as much as I hate BFC. They made me buy this game by convincing me it´s realistic. I installed it and what do I see? "Waffengrenadier"! Not only is this an outrageous attempt at robbing me of my national identity. This is clearly the most evil revisionist doing that has ever soiled the Grossdeutsche heritage! If this company was responsible for Wolfenstein they´d probably have gone so far to deny the Führer his moustache and in the process make the game insulting, unrealistic and uplayable. How can I transfer this immense hatred upon you? I´d gladly drop napalm on your garden if I could...

Btw: Does the fact that I miss the SS makes me a grog? Maybe it´s possible to get a discount on my forum ID now that I´ve shown I´m worthy?

Moustache-less and befouled in Germany

I'm afraid that this request is out of Seanachai's league so I'll answer for him ... besides he's probably still hung over and/or drunk.

Yes, you will receive a discount on your member ID, from now on you'll be known as "Noo" as the approved discount is applicable only to consonants for those with member NUMBERS in excess of 10,000. Your member number, of course, is yours for life.

Joe

[Nolloff]

Sir,

justice is done. Numbers are made for eternity even if some led me to believe that numbers can change if only enough tests are done and Phis or whatever get applied.

Your discount exceeds everything I had hoped for in my wildest dreams.

Forever Noo

P.S. Regarding that email you sent off-forum. No, at the moment I don´t have 10.000 $ ready to buy your forum member account. Sorry.

[ October 31, 2002, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: Nolloff ]

[Panzer Leader]

Noo, don't worry about it, Joe Shaw is not worth ten dollars anyway.

[Nolloff]

Here´s my offer:

10$ for "Wittmann" with a member number below 100

15$ for "Wittmann, invincible Tiger Ace" below member number 50

A full 10 out of 10 scenario review for either a "**Wittmann ***" with any kind of spelling mistakes or a "Feldmarschall Bobby Woll" both with member numbers below 300.

Oh so Noo

[Michael Emrys]

Dear Seanachai,

Just a brief note (because I really can't afford to waste more time on an umimportant subject like this). Yes, dear, I do hate you too. Not in any dramatic way, mind you. I probably wouldn't bother to cross the street to smash your face against a utility pole. Oh my no! But I wouldn't want you to feel excluded from the low-level misanthropy I feel for the whole buggered human race. So, know that you are welcome within the warm embrace of the mild but deep-seated loathing with which I view all mankind.

Yours in perennial dysphoria,

Michael

[Patchy]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

The wearing of the pointy red hat, in fact, is an attempt to 'appear taller', and the colour is designed, yet again, to call attention to themselves.

Aunty Seanachai,

So that explains why Gnomes have pink doors on their houses...I think it does make the door appear slightly taller. But why do they have red shiny tummies? And why do their silverware drawers always fall on the floor when opened? Do they have an inner Joe or an inner Croda? And even though they are very mean...why are Gnomes so nice?

A Little Less Perplexed...er....Maybe

[ November 01, 2002, 08:22 AM: Message edited by: Persephone ]

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Olduvai:

Dear Seanachai,

I hate myself for loving you. I think that's bad, but maybe its good. Am I going in the wrong direction? Would I like myself if I hated you?

Also, I am on good terms with my Aunt in Gnome, Alaska, and some of the uber-Finns have laughed at me. Is any of that good?

On a complete side note, what do you think about using Air Supply lyrics as wedding vows?

And finally, Madmatt once referred to Plutonian Butt-Monkeys. I'd like one of those -- can you help?

Regards,

Olduvai

Dear Olduvai:

I think, lad, that in situations like this it's important to remember the words of Terry Pratchett:

Hate is just love with it's back turned.

Whether you love me, or hate me, it's all much the same. I'm there for you, in either case. I guess, really, it's what you need from life that will determine the best approach for you.

Now, some hate me, and that undoubtedly makes them feel better about themselves. Others possibly love me, and do not. Funny old thing, life, what?

In any case, a postcard filled with hate is a fine thing, you see, as you can put it up on the wall with all the others and horrify people who come to the apartment. Of course, the apartment itself is pretty horrifying. That's where the letters, cards, and postcards come in, you see. They help distract people from what they're standing in.

Good on your Aunt. Family is important.

The laughter of UberFinns, Olduvai, is more precious than gold. Of course, it's not exchangeable for a hard currency, and Mr. T would have looked damn foolish standing around wearing 15 pounds of Finnish laughter around his neck. Actually, that one's a 'push', so just forget it.

But the important thing is, the UberFinns have taken notice of you. They've laughed at you, hopefully with scorn. By its very negativity, this lends you a certain credibility, not only in the 'UberFinn Mocking Community', but amongst the UberFinns themselves. As Dumas pointed out in the Three Musketeers, it is better to be noticed even by angry Monarchy than to be ignored.

But, as regards using Air Supply lyrics for wedding vows, this is a practice to be assiduously avoided. Unless, of course, it's counter-pointed with acts of ludicrousness like slapping each other with fish, or wearing innapropriate leather garments, in order to spare the guests the discomfort of being humiliated for you.

Nothing says 'soppy, witless, green-fairy book twit' like using song lyrics from someone like Air Supply. If you have to use song lyrics, use something desperately inappropriate, perhaps from a Metal band, or the Beat Farmers, or something.

Now, Olduvai, I imagine you're just asking out of your own sense of whimsy, you, but, on the off chance that you are about to get married, let me enjoin you and your significant other to

Love each other. Hard, hot, and long, with a fierce, protective courage for the feelings and fears of each other, and without regard for damage to the furniture or anything the neighbours might feel about what backyards are typically for.

As for the Plutonian Butt-Monkeys: Sorry, lad, you're not cleared for that hardware. Madmatt would have my heart out through my arse-hole if we gave you access to that kind of offensive capability without proper training.

-Seanachai

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Bad Dog:

GOOD GOD! The Gnome has turned into a 3 year old girl in the petting zoo!

Note to self: never post under influence of alcohol.

We are saddened to hear that you have determined to stop posting. Please reconsider.

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Sgt. Emren:

Dear ShaunAK

I am four years old. You are weird, and probably smell weird. Like my old nanny. She used to smell weird too. Mr, why do you smell?

-Ralph

Dear Ralph:

What an appropriately named little boy you are!

Indeed, Ralph, I am 'weird'. Or, as you're parents would put it "come away from there, Ralph, stop staring at that man, and don't talk to people who sing to themselves."

But, Ralph, although I may smell weird, I cannot, do you see, smell weird in the same way your old nanny did. For one thing, Old Nannies are a very powerful Guild, and do not permit anyone but old nannies to smell like Old Nannies. Believe me, it's far better to get cute with Organized Crime than screw with the Old Nannies Guild.

As for 'why do I smell', well, first and foremost, it's because it is one of the senses gifted to me by nature, and second, because I eat a lot of Greek food.

[Yowie]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Bad Dog:

GOOD GOD! The Gnome has turned into a 3 year old girl in the petting zoo!

Note to self: never post under influence of alcohol.

We are saddened to hear that you have determined to stop posting. Please reconsider.</font>

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Nolloff:

Dear Seanachai,

I wish I could hate you as much as I hate BFC. They made me buy this game by convincing me it´s realistic. I installed it and what do I see? "Waffengrenadier"! Not only is this an outrageous attempt at robbing me of my national identity. This is clearly the most evil revisionist doing that has ever soiled the Grossdeutsche heritage! If this company was responsible for Wolfenstein they´d probably have gone so far to deny the Führer his moustache and in the process make the game insulting, unrealistic and uplayable. How can I transfer this immense hatred upon you? I´d gladly drop napalm on your garden if I could...

Btw: Does the fact that I miss the SS makes me a grog? Maybe it´s possible to get a discount on my forum ID now that I´ve shown I´m worthy?

Moustache-less and befouled in Germany

Dear Befouled in Germany:

First off, let me begin by apologizing for my dear colleague, Joe Shaw. Joe normally deals with SSNs in the Peng Challenge Thread, you see, and is used to an approach that emphasizes hob-nailed boots, and the feeling that 'due process' is something that perpetrators earn.

He is not, like myself, a sensitive individual, experienced in helping others through the confusions and pains of life in the Real World.

One of these pains, of course, is coming to realize that, no matter how much one might whimper, beg, and even piss themselves, Mutti might still remain an aggessively unloving alcoholic, Vati a coarse, brutal and silent disciplinary figure, and the political and economic realities of the World might require the almost cosmetically insignificant substitution of the the term 'Waffengrenaderie' for the far the more salutary and satisfying-in-a-leather-and-homoerotic-way 'Waffen SS'.

Still, just as nothing is more 'realistic' than having to drag your cursing mother down the hall to her bed when she's fallen and can't get on her feet again because of the empty schnaps bottles underfoot, or the unutterable 'realism' of your brooding father's belt cracking against your raw buttocks, nothing says 'realism' like having to bow to another nation's laws, your fear of the perhaps completely arbitrary rulings of a quasi-official software rulings board, nor the need to maintain a contractually regulated relationship with another company in order to not lose tens of thousands of dollars, if not more.

So you see, BFC has fulfilled every promise they've made to you. This is the most realistic wargame on the market.

On the other hand, if what is desired is to stay safely bemired in a world that imbues the term 'Waffen SS' with a special magic and siginificance far beyond any historical usage and accuracy, then you might be happier with fantasy and role-playing games aimed at that portion of the game playing community that favours 'dressing up', 's&m', and 'supremacist rallies'.

Thank you for your willingness to 'transfer your hate to me'. I'd take it as a mark of special and very appropriate significance if someone's anger over the slighting of the 'SS' was aimed my way. It makes me tingly. Be sure to send your letter, card, or postcard to commemorate this important moment.

Sorry, though. No garden to napalm. That bit about gnomes standing around in gardens is a myth. They're constantly pictured that way because it's where they stop to have a slash after leaving the pub.

[ November 02, 2002, 03:22 AM: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Michael emrys:

Dear Seanachai,

Just a brief note (because I really can't afford to waste more time on an umimportant subject like this). Yes, dear, I do hate you too. Not in any dramatic way, mind you. I probably wouldn't bother to cross the street to smash your face against a utility pole. Oh my no! But I wouldn't want you to feel excluded from the low-level misanthropy I feel for the whole buggered human race. So, know that you are welcome within the warm embrace of the mild but deep-seated loathing with which I view all mankind.

Yours in perennial dysphoria,

Michael

Dear Dysphoric Michael:

Lad, all this proceeds from the fact that you simply don't know me well enough. We should spend more time together, Grog Emrys, so that you can feel strong and comfortable in that decision to 'cross the street'.

Then, after smashing my face into a utility pole, we could go have a pint.

Drama is good, Michael. Drama keeps the little things filled with significance. Because, Michael, I am not simply the rest of humanity. The rest of humanity won't buy you a pint, for one thing. Cheap bastards.

So send that letter, card, or postcard now. Because it's the 'little gestures' Michael, that keep Drama in perspective, and the World turning over nicely.

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by YK2:

Dear Aunt Seanachai

My problem isn't about CMBB although I guess in someway it is about Hatred.

It goes something like this......

I know only too well how life can at times be hard to cope with, we all have our problems to bear, some more than others, and we all have to cope in whichever way we see fit in order to get through those.

But Hatred is a terrible emotion, it serves us no purpose other than make us dislike ourselves and life even more, Please don't encourage people to feel hate, especially towards yourself.

You see, I am one of those optimistic sorts who thinks that everything in life happens for a reason, the good things make me happy to the point of euphoria, the bad things don't make me feel anger or hatred, just hurt, sad and scared.

Scared that maybe someday, I will turn into one of those angry twisted people so full of hatred that I will see nothing good in life..... one of those people who are so afraid to smile in the face of darkness for fear of allowing themselves some happiness.

Part of my problem is.. Should I feel guilty at not allowing myself to curl up and die (inside)when troubles strike?

Would I feel in any way better if I was full of hate?

I already know your answer, well at least part of it.

Of course I shouldn't... and of course I wouldn't.

So all in all, no matter what life throws at me I will throw it right back with a smile (albeit a sad one), and I will thank God for the good things in life, but will bear no hatred for the bad.

Life is full of ups and downs, good, bad, sadness, happiness, anger and hatred.. All of us fall prey to the first seven of those I mentioned but I thank God that only a few of us allow our anger to turn to hate.

The other part of my problem is understanding why you ask for people to send you cards full of hatred!

My guess is, that most of those cards sent are actually nice..... and why?

Because you sir are a nice person.

I have this sneaky suspicion that for every card you receive with even a sniff of hatred, there will be six more full of cheerfulness and love.

You Seanacoochie are fighting a lost cause, for the truth is that the majority of people on this Forum LIKE YOU and that Sir is something you will have to live with.

*Rant over*

P.S.

Sorry if I in any way burst your bubble, but you still have Hiram on your side.

With all the hatred he spews towards you.. even without a postcard.... it should go at least some of the way in serving your purpose.

Whatever that may be.

Would a hug help?

Deary, deary me. Where to begin?

...we all have our problems to bear, some more than others, and we all have to cope in whichever way we see fit in order to get through those.

But Hatred is a terrible emotion, it serves us no purpose other than make us dislike ourselves and life even more, Please don't encourage people to feel hate, especially towards yourself.

You do know that story? The one about the goat, cursed and reviled, laden with a tribes woes and sins, having stones cast at it and driven out into the desert?

Well, dear, that goat served a very real purpose. It gave entire communities a ritual that allowed them to maintain the fiction that their sins were removed. I perform the same function here. An entire Forum of people are invited to cast all their complaints, stupidities, and angers unto my shoulders, in the form of letters, cards, and postcards. Of course, most of them aren't coherent enough, from day to day, to actually accomplish that. So they post, instead.

But this goat isn't necessarily going silent into that good night. This one's heaving a few stones back. I figure on at least holding my own, with a 30-70 chance of driving the community out into the desert.

Might as well be hung for a goat, as a sheep.

You see, I am one of those optimistic sorts who thinks that everything in life happens for a reason, the good things make me happy to the point of euphoria, the bad things don't make me feel anger or hatred, just hurt, sad and scared.

Scared that maybe someday, I will turn into one of those angry twisted people so full of hatred that I will see nothing good in life..... one of those people who are so afraid to smile in the face of darkness for fear of allowing themselves some happiness.

Then, of course, this will not happen to you. Fear of becoming stupid, angry, hate-filled, hateful, and unhappy is a reality check.

The other part of my problem is understanding why you ask for people to send you cards full of hatred!

Well, here we run into one of those eternal 'difference between genders' issues.

Now, I mainly ask this because the Forum is full of men. Men understand hatred, especially when it's presented as a humourously interactive option. It's a way of telling someone they're significant to you without being required to date. When I tell my male friends about asking an entire Forum community to send me their letters, cards, and postcards filled with hate, the response is "Really? Gotten any really interesting or humourous responses yet?", while the reaction from my female friends is "That's horrible! Won't you feel awful if people send you things filled with hate?".

If someone can tell me how much they hate me in an interesting and amusing manner, I'm ahead. My life is made better by stirring up enough interest in them to make them think it through and express it, and I might even learn something from it. If all they can manage is to just hate me, I'm still ahead, because if they can't manage to hate me in a way that makes me regret that they don't like me, then I've given them an angry and stressful moment, but I don't need to have any regard for what they think of me.

This is, of course, a very male way of thinking. Remember men can say 'I love pizza', and turn around and say to a woman 'I love you', and not only mean both things, but hold them in rough equivalency. The rather primitive thought process behind them is that both are enjoyable, both are regarded as good, both make them happy, and both make the universe a better place. When a man strays into the realms of philosophical metaphysics, he'll hit a hazy area where he comes to realize that, while he might be able to live without pizza, life without 'you' might be more difficult. At this point, of course, most men become uncomfortable with the whole thought process, and go off to have some pizza.

Conversely, a man can tell another man 'I hate you, you bastard', and still sit down and have a beer with him. That doesn't mean he'll be pleasant, just that now that things are out on the table, he doesn't feel the need to go on about it.

On the other hand, if a woman was to tell me she hated me, and meant it, and I'd already posted my address here in the Forum, I'd move. It's just safer. Women don't use that term in as low-key a fashion.

My guess is, that most of those cards sent are actually nice..... and why?

Because you sir are a nice person.

I have this sneaky suspicion that for every card you receive with even a sniff of hatred, there will be six more full of cheerfulness and love.

People are unspeakably perverse. I think in my next pointlessly annoying thread I will request that hundreds of attractive women not have sex with me.

You Seanacoochie are fighting a lost cause, for the truth is that the majority of people on this Forum LIKE YOU and that Sir is something you will have to live with.

There are none so blind as those that will insist that most of the world are actually very nice people. Well, they probably are. I, on the other hand, am not one of them. Still, I understand how difficult it is to accept the exceptions. Unless, of course, they've just eaten your cat, or have been taken into custody for proving how much damage you can do with untraceable firearms.

Still, I thank you for your kind words, and kinder thoughts. They are easily something I can live with. And, like a fine wine, they fill me with a warm feeling and nicely compliment the meal that I just ate of chat avec le romarin et les oignons

[Lawyer]

Really, there's no comparison between women and pizza. Pizza is much cheaper, more dependable, more satisfying, and is "hot" in a way that only burns a hole in your stomach. Pizza may wake me up at night, but never to ask if I still love it.

The only rival to pizza is BEER, which does all of these things better.

[mike the wino2]

Dear Seanachi/ Aunt Agony ,

I was recently caught up in a mass-proposition by one Berli . I accepted his offer of CMBB...and "maybe more". After one lackluster file sent, I haven't heard from him since? No calls, letters, emails, or even a brick through my front window. Should I continue to wait patiently for him to respond, or should I join a "clan" (or was it a clam?) to satisfy all my CMBB needs? Or what about those nice "Peng" lads and lasses? I hear so many nice things about them.

My only solace has been to read the ongoing "Does the AI cheat" thread and I am finding it a bit lacking. I really need your expert advice.

Sincerly,

Lost on the Russian Steppes

[Yeknodathon]

Dear Aunty Seanachai

Please forward veterinary qualifications: I have a small matter to discuss concerning hormones and inflatable plastic.

Yeknod

[ November 02, 2002, 03:32 PM: Message edited by: Yeknodathon ]

[Boo Radley]

Originally posted by Bad Dog:

I'm currently away working in a galaxy far far away, where boos are hard to come by.

Nuh uh. We're everywhere.

p.s. Hey Gnomus Interruptus, instead of spending all day in your little thread of self gratification (not that there's anything wrong with that, as long as you wash your hands when you're done.), why don't you send me a feckin' turn?

[mike the wino2]

Seanachi ,

If you are going to make it as the BFC advice colunmist you will have to keep your thread from dropping to page 3 and respond. You worthless slap monkey.

Cheers

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by mike the wino:

Dear Seanachi/ Aunt Agony ,

I was recently caught up in a mass-proposition by one Berli . I accepted his offer of CMBB...and "maybe more". After one lackluster file sent, I haven't heard from him since? No calls, letters, emails, or even a brick through my front window. Should I continue to wait patiently for him to respond, or should I join a "clan" (or was it a clam?) to satisfy all my CMBB needs? Or what about those nice "Peng" lads and lasses? I hear so many nice things about them.

My only solace has been to read the ongoing "Does the AI cheat" thread and I am finding it a bit lacking. I really need your expert advice.

Sincerly,

Lost on the Russian Steppes

Dear Lost on the Russian Steppes

I have resent the file a couple of times now with no response. What gives?

Auntie Lucifer

[MrSpkr]

Dear Seanachai:

I hate my job. Every week, Monday through Friday, I have to get out of the warm comfort of my bed, put on a suit and noose, er, tie, and trudge to the oversized SUV. Then I have to drive forty-five minutes, park two blocks away, go up to the office, deal with whiny, incompetent boobs who make more money than I do, avoid office gossips who would just as soon backstab a drowning man as throw him a rope, and attend to unrealistic demands from a boss who is the devil's own arsehole.

Now, this is not ENTIRELY without benefits, as every hour at the office is an hour away from the wife and four kids (ahhh-- absence DOES make the heart grow fonder), and I do get paid reasonably well, but I find it is cutting into my CM time.

What do you recommend?

Signed,

Worried in Waxahachie

[Olduvai]

Dear Seanachai,

Your name is hard to remember, and worse to spell. But your wisdom beckons like a Blue Light Special. . .

[Abbott]

go up to the office, deal with whiny, incompetent boobs who make more money than I do, avoid office gossips who would just as soon backstab a drowning man as throw him a rope,

That brings to mind the age old question of,

"Why do they bury Lawyers 12' deep instead of 6' deep?

Because deep down they are very good people.

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by Olduvai:

But your wisdom beckons like a Blue Light Special. . .

...and worth about as much

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Lawyer:

Really, there's no comparison between women and pizza. Pizza is much cheaper, more dependable, more satisfying, and is "hot" in a way that only burns a hole in your stomach. Pizza may wake me up at night, but never to ask if I still love it.

The only rival to pizza is BEER, which does all of these things better.

You are an idiot.

Except about the beer thing. Beer is very good.

Now bugger off while I help the confused, the lovelorn, the heartworn, and those who've forgotten to take their de-worming pills.

[ November 04, 2002, 11:40 PM: Message edited by: Seanachai ]