Dear Seanachai: Return of a Great Bid For Hatred, and Genesis of a CMBB 'Agony Aunt'

[LGMB]

To late.

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Michael Dorosh:

Dear Seanachai

First off, I truly hate you, but I would never tell you that knowing what joy it would bring you.

My question for you is this: if CMBB is supposed to be an expanded, evermore groggy version of the CM franchise, where have all the grogs gone?

I mean the ultra grogs? Rexford (who is mistakenly reputed to have once used a smiley, taking him out of the ubergrog category (it was later proven to have been Maximus trying to create a new "legitimate" image for himself) has only recently rejoined our ranks and JasonC is still absent without leave.

What gives?

Dear Grog Dorosh:

To those of us "in the know", and aware of what takes place "behind the scenes" (or rather, "under the rock"), your question offers an opportunity to "really get things out in the open", as well as "a chance to use quotation marks just a few more times".

Now, as to "where have all the Grogs gone", I could reply "young girls picked them, every one". But of course, even a complete and utter pillock would know that that simply wasn't 'on'.

You almost guessed it, with your little joke about some of them being an attempt by Maximus to establish something like a credible, or even human, persona.

They are all still here, lad.

Each and every Grog, Super-Grog, and Super Deadly Ninja Grog (these are the people who never, ever not even once cracked a joke, or made a reply to anyone who wasn't 100% discussing the topic at hand) is still posting.

They now have taken on other screen names, names that hide their True Identity. They are, in fact, posting some of the most lame, scatalogical, goofy tripe on the Board. They use terms like 'dude', and even take a stab at 'L33T' talk. They mock the whole concept of Grogishness, and make complete and utter fools of themselves at every opportunity.

It's neither a sign of Bipolar Condition, nor the result of some sort of 'final breakdown'. Nor is it a joke on the rest of us, as it is well-known that Grogs cannot joke, just as a duck's quack is incapable of producing an echo.

No, Grog Dorosh, this process is the result of the natural life-cycle of these creatures. They grow thoughout their Grog state, then go briefly dormant (this often coincides with the months immediately prior to a new release of the game}, and then they re-emerge as giddy lackwits who were cut from the 'extras' list of the last Adam Sandler movie.

In the final stage of their lives, when they move on into full maturity, they start posting in the Peng Challenge Thread.

Look around you, Grog Dorosh! Nothing is ever lost, it is just in a constant state of flux, and growth! Isn't nature wonderful!

P.S. - send the postcard, lad. Or better yet, send an actual card. A card filled with hate for myself would easily double Canada's literary output for the year.

[ October 30, 2002, 08:13 PM: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

[Lawyer]

As to the Pippu character, I sold the rights to Michael Eisner at Disney last year. You'll find out when the movie comes out starring Eddie Murphy as a black actor who just happens to look like a sock puppet.

Now on to Auntie Seanachai...

(1) I love CMBB, but I wonder how the desolation, destruction, degradation, and deprivation on the East Front is any different from present day Minneapolis. Can you explain it?

(2) Is Minnesota really part of Canada? It sure looks and acts the same, but it smells worse.

(3) Why are Pollacks villified on this forum when we have Romanians, Hungarians, Finns, and other assorted Soviet nations to make fun of. And don't they all live in Minnesota too?? (BTW, are Walloons subjugated people as well?)

Wasting Away in Washington,

Law Lover

PS Oh, I forgot to ask. Is it still in good taste to castigate the French and Aussies (including their New Zealand colony) now that we are playing an East Front game? In short, are they still Those Lovable Losers that we all enjoy so much??

[ October 30, 2002, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: Lawyer ]

[Joe Shaw]

Originally posted by Lawyer:

As to the Pippu character, I sold the rights to Michael Eisner at Disney last year. You'll find out when the movie comes out starring Eddie Murphy as a black actor who just happens to look like a sock puppet.

Now on to Auntie Seanachai...

(1) I love CMBB, but I wonder how the desolation, destruction, degradation, and deprivation on the East Front is any different from present day Minneapolis. Can you explain it?

(2) Is Minnesota really part of Canada? It sure looks and acts the same, but it smells worse.

(3) Why are Pollacks villified on this forum when we have Romanians, Hungarians, Finns, and other assorted Soviet nations to make fun of. And don't they all live in Minnesota too?? (BTW, are Walloons subjugated people as well?)

Wasting Away in Washington,

Law Lover

Back to the CessPool damn you sir!

Joe

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Bad Dog:

Dear Mr Gnome *hic*

Can I call you Mr Gnome? How can any *hic* one possibly hate you? I have always enjoyed *hic* your wonderful and humorous posts. Ever since I first came across the wonderful world of pain.. oopsh... PENG.. *hic* I just cannot shtay away...

Everytime, your posts fill me up with that warm and fuzzy feelings. A day is just not right *hic* without seeing a new post from you.

When I'm troubled, I recite your words of wisdom and find the way...*hic.. hic.. * Whenever I have problem sleeping, I just look at the garden gnome which I keep on the dais in my room, that little red hat shomehow radiates a sense of comfort *hic* and I alwaysh feel safe knowing that *hic* little gnome is nearby...

Shinsherely *hic*

Your most loyal fan...

PS. I have my favourite Britney Spears poster right next to the garden Gnome in my room, I hope you like it.

PPS. I'll really send you a post card if I manage to stay drunk long enough. *hic*

Dear Bad Dog:

Thank you for your kind words! Who's a good boy, then, who's a good boy, eh? You're a good boy, you, yes you are!

I feel your pain, lad.

Like yourself, I am occasionally subjected to random and unwanted sobriety, and I know the anguish you must feel when you get up the next day and wonder who you last told you loved them, and how much their posts mean to you.

But, like myself, you must stay strong. And drunk. Very, very drunk. Not quite drunk enough to stop breathing, but drunk enough to find a stamp, think powerful thoughts of intense hatred, scrawl them onto something that might meet postal standards, and drop it into a box, or, better yet, simply give it to any person in a uniform (who, after pepper-spraying you, will probably thoughtfully drop it into the correct receptacle).

I realize that we are talking about a very, very narrow window of opportunity here.

But here's something that may help:

Drink steadily, while watching TV, until you start to laugh at the evening news. When you reach this point, consider the alleged nation of 'Australia'. Do they seem like an alright mob to you? If so, grab a crayon and give the letter writing a shot. Afix the stamp to some portion, and go looking for someone in uniform.

[Lawyer]

Back to the CessPool damn you sir!

Joe

To paraphrase your favorite Damp Dream Lover Carly Simon, I haven't got time for the hate...

Plus, my BM's are much, much smoother since I gave up that dirty habit.

[ October 30, 2002, 08:36 PM: Message edited by: Lawyer ]

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by jimmyjames:

Dear Mr. S

I am a noobie and have a very large member number. However I am not angry or mad at random people or game mechanics. I have a capslock key that works, CAPSLOCK, but I never seem to be able to post entire messages using it. I also use complete sentences and decent grammer. This is a problem for me as all the other noobies don't seem to have anything wrong with them. How can I be the same? Please help me become angry and mad all the time too, you seem to be skilled in that regard.

Thanks in advance, Poster with Problems.

Dear Poster with Problems:

First off, lad, remember, it's not how small your member number is, it's how you use it to dominate others that counts!

If you stay here long enough, forsaking anything like a normal existence in the process, I might add, you will one day have an enviable member number. In fact, you'll probably be dealing with people who will simply be tagged with the identifier 'got here so sodding recently that they're complete ****e', rather than any kind of number.

But, as for your rather woeful inability to 'fit into your peer group', I can only say that the world needs people like yourself. You're probably gay, or intelligent, or a liberal, or ethnic, or something else unsavoury and suspect, but not actually 'wrong'. Not like a member of Al Qaida, or a Spousal Batterer, or someone who makes money by employing telemarketers, or Norm Coleman.

Now, young people like yourself suffer a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety by worrying that 'they don't fit in'. Fortunately, you're in the Combat Mission Forum, and pretty much every single sodding person in here is so deeply, deeply out of touch with the rest of Planet Earth that they're on mailing lists from Other Planets.

So you see, lad, by not fitting in with the rest of the 'noobies', you're in fact 'fitting right in'.

You're a bloody, wargame playing mutant, and so lost to the rest of humanity that even advertising probably no longer reaches you properly.

So just get comfortable, sit down, and write Old Seanachai out a quick postcard filled with hate. This will be good practice for you.

Oh, and don't worry about the whole 'anger' or 'not shouting while typing' sort of thing. You haven't been here long enough. Read a lot more posts from your fellow noobies, and it will come to you, rather like dysentery follows from drinking bad water.

[Michael Dorosh]

Dear Agony Aunt

I want to send you a hate filled postcard but I live in Upper Minnesota, also known as Canada. Our laws forbid us from saying mean things to other people, and I fear my postcard will not make it past Canada Post, Canada Customs, and/or the Canadian Parliament.

Is it ok to put our postcard in an opaque envelope before sending it?

Perplexed in Upper Minnesota.

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Dear Aunty Agony: I'm at wit's end. I don't ... I don't CARE what the statistical chances of a first round hit are when you compare the AI to a human firing!

Does this make me a bad man?

Is a "Chi" value equivilant to half of has-been Hispanic golfer's first name?

I haven't sent you a card and probably won't, does this make me a bad man?

Is it truly a 50.00% chance for a flipped coin to land "heads up" or is the coin's AI cheating?

I don't hate you today as much as I did when we were on Lake ManyTonkaToys (I REALLY wanted to push you in but I figured dalem would jump in and save you (he's weird that way) so I didn't. Does this make me a bad man?

Napless in Salt Lake

Dear Napless in Salt Lake:

Hmmm.

Yes.

[AUSSIEJEFF]

Dear Auntie Seanachai,

Please help me! Ever since I fell into the Cess pool, I've developed a gnawing hatred of small garden ornaments with pointy red hats. Thats right - GNOMES!

<BIG>I HATES 'EM ALL!!!!</BIG> In fact, for some strange and not entirely known reason, I've begun a "QUEST TO CRUSH ALL GNOMES". I feel it is my duty to RID the planet of this scourge.

I started by pinching those 'orrible looking garden gnomes out of the neighbour's gardens and beheading them *UURK!* before mounting their poxy porcelain corpses on SHARP, POINTY STICKS in MY garden *Muhahahahaha-aa!*. Sorta like stringing garlic over the door to deter vampires et all...

Then, when MY garden was full of the horrid, mangled creatures, I bought meself a bloody great big sledgehammer and started to crush them to powder. I found that if I sprinkle this gnomedust around my citrus trees, then pi$$ on it, the trees bear wonderful crops of juicy fruit.

Well, to cut a long story short Auntie S, you'll be thrilled to know that I have so far managed to crush 13,376 of the little buggers with me trusty sledgy. Sledging has actually become a sort of exercise regimen for me - my you should see how BIG my biceps are now, Auntie S.

In fact, I am considering turning this annihilation of Gnomes into a legit business. What do you think - "Aussie's Garden Gnomedust". I could sell 20kg bags for, oh ... $20 a pop. I've got a small mountain of dismembered, bleeding gnomes out back so I gotta come up with somefink!!

Remember that first time we met and you told me "Hate is good!" Well, as you can see, I've learnt well! Feel free to come over here to my lucky country and you might get lucky too! I would give you pride of place, with your head mounted on my sharpest, pointiest stick, right outside my front door. Oh that would be grand!!

Come soon now, won't you?!

In agonisingly eager anticipation, *grrrrowl!*

AJ

[ October 30, 2002, 09:04 PM: Message edited by: AussieJeff ]

[Seanachai]

Dear Wasting Away:

Originally posted by Lawyer:

(1) I love CMBB, but I wonder how the desolation, destruction, degradation, and deprivation on the East Front is any different from present day Minneapolis. Can you explain it?

Actually, the climate of Minneapolis is pretty much the same as sub-Arctic North and Central Fronts Russia. Of course, 'degradation, destruction, desolation, and deprivation' are terms that both Minneapolis and the former Soviet Union properly use when discussing Washington DC.

Originally posted by Lawyer:

(2) Is Minnesota really part of Canada? It sure looks and acts the same, but it smells worse.

No, Minnesota is an independent nation at the center of the North American continent.

Originally posted by Lawyer:

(3) Why are Pollacks villified on this forum when we have Romanians, Hungarians, Finns, and other assorted Soviet nations to make fun of. And don't they all live in Minnesota too?? (BTW, are Walloons subjugated people as well?)

As to the Poles, it's simply a lack of imagination. We don't have that many Romanians, Hungarians, or Poles, but we have whole heaps of stubbornly and intensely annoying Finns.

Walloons are one of the amusing, under-modeled 'clown ethnics' of the European scene. Everyone mocks them, while quietly getting out their encyclopedia to try and figure out what they are. After reading the entry, everyone gets this forehead wrinkling, eye squinting, far away look of speculation...

Originally posted by Lawyer:

PS Oh, I forgot to ask. Is it still in good taste to castigate the French and Aussies (including their New Zealand colony) now that we are playing an East Front game? In short, are they still Those Lovable Losers that we all enjoy so much??

It is never inappropriate to mock, deride, and throw empty beer tinnies at the Aussies. Hard.

Mocking the French is what the 'Pole-bashers' who can actually breathe without having their mouths open do.

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by AussieJeff:

Dear Auntie Seanachai,

Please help me! Ever since I fell into the Cess pool, I've developed a gnawing hatred of small garden ornaments with pointy red hats. Thats right - GNOMES!

AJ

Put it in a card, you distressing pillock.

I already minister to the agonies and stupidities of you lot in the Cesspool.

Here, in my Dear Seanachai thread, I can finally reach out to the Outer Boarders, and help lead them into a better place in their lives.

All the while, of course, gathering up the much needed letters, cards, and postcards filled with hate.

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Michael Dorosh:

Dear Agony Aunt

Is it ok to put our postcard in an opaque envelope before sending it?

Perplexed in Upper Minnesota.

Dear Perplexed:

Certainly.

You lot are never going to be taken seriously as a nation while you continue to ask questions like this, you know.

On the other hand, you lot are so typically inoffensive that every friend I've known that went to work in one of the world's hot spots was given a t-shirt with the Canadian flag on it...

[Malakovski]

Ah...Cess Lite.

Less filling, still tastes like ****e.

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Hiram Sedai:

Madam Seanachai,

My disdain for you started when I was just a fetus. When both of my brain cells combined efforts, the disdain started for all things Bard. As I was torn from the womb I screamed your name at the doctor and he decided to slap me anyway. As a toddler, I would scrawl your likeness upon my bedroom walls with the only paint I could find. Since it was always available, your brown, geriatric visage was always there until my poor mother would scrub it away. As I learned to stumble and then walk, I would practice kicking the bard. I imagined your face upon that hapless soccer ball and would shout epithets at your personage. I encouraged my playmates to play games like “eviscerate the bard” and “stomp the gnome” but they were much more interested in other activities. So, I continued alone in my quest to pummel you.

Flash forward through my prepubescent angst and pitfalls of life. The time finally arrived when I became your squire. The others taunted and shat upon me with their vile prose because I was connected to you with a tenuous umbilical cord of slavery. You wanted me to beat another squire and I purposely lost because it was your wish that I would win.

You did not show your disappointment because you suddenly knew that I wasn’t there to do your bidding after all. I noticed that you began to become concerned with your new squire and chose to distance me. Perhaps you sensed that I would like nothing more than to put on my Seanachai kicking boots and go to town. But then again, I probably overestimated you.

With each sonnet and poetic musing you uttered, I abhorred you more. You took others squires and did a poor job mentoring them too. Maybe they will figure out that poetry and pretty words don’t help in battles.

Now, you revel in a sick, demented, sadomasochistic world of your own making. You want others to pay attention to you and pretend to hate you so you can respond with pithy sayings. You flex your cerebral muscles as your flabby body undulates with disgusting rhythm and is replete with back hair.

I no longer lose my lunch thinking about you. There was a time when a spineless worm such as yourself would disgust me and force me to look away. That time is past. It’s your turn to reply with the false assumption that I am phobic and projecting. Just know as you step into your unwashed pajamas this evening and cuddle with your plastic love mate, that I do hate you. It’s hatred combined with a bit of fear that there are others like you and they may be living near me. It’s also a bit of concern that you may have influenced a generation of effeminate poets and testosterone driven anger may be a thing of the past soon.

You can reply with your pedantic mewling now.

Dear Hiram:

Could you state that as a question of some type? I mean, what is it I can help you with?

You seem very in touch with your feelings. Of course, they're nasty, brutish, dull, and bitter, but you have a wonderful grasp of them!

Many people would envy your ability to focus. Others, of course, would simply drown themselves.

Is this a New Jersey thing, or is it something that caring, concern, and intelligence can help you with?

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Malakovski:

Ah...Cess Lite.

Less filling, still tastes like ****e.

Back to the 'Pool, insect.

[LGMB]

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[Malakovski]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Malakovski:

Ah...Cess Lite.

Less filling, still tastes like ****e.

Back to the 'Pool, insect.</font>

[Splinty]

Dear Seanachai,

Being as I'm a cheap bastich and not a cesspuddlian, I believe I'll just spew my hate here on the boards for free. Therefore in the spirit of my previous sentence: Please insert the largest small furry animal you can find into the approriate oriface in a violent and rapid motion. Rinse and repeat as many times as possible before you find it pleasurable. If this isn't enough of an example of my personal hatred for you, then think up one of your own and do it twice.

Sincerly someone elses,

Splinty

[Ellros]

PIPPU was and is an trademark character of the Lurker and as such is secured under all trade and commercial laws hereinuntowardifiable for the rest of eternity.

As an all-time fan of the great Pippu, I say we need to open up a can of Whup-Pippu on some people, first one being the Gnome.

[Olduvai]

Dear Seanachai,

I hate myself for loving you. I think that's bad, but maybe its good. Am I going in the wrong direction? Would I like myself if I hated you?

Also, I am on good terms with my Aunt in Gnome, Alaska, and some of the uber-Finns have laughed at me. Is any of that good?

On a complete side note, what do you think about using Air Supply lyrics as wedding vows?

And finally, Madmatt once referred to Plutonian Butt-Monkeys. I'd like one of those -- can you help?

Regards,

Olduvai

[ October 30, 2002, 11:54 PM: Message edited by: Olduvai ]

[Yowie]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

Who's a good boy, then, who's a good boy, eh? You're a good boy, you, yes you are!

GOOD GOD! The Gnome has turned into a 3 year old girl in the petting zoo!

Note to self: never post under influence of alcohol.

[Guest Sgt. Emren]

Dear ShaunAK

I am four years old. You are weird, and probably smell weird. Like my old nanny. She used to smell weird too. Mr, why do you smell?

-Ralph

[**YK2**]

Dear Aunt Seanachai

My problem isn't about CMBB although I guess in someway it is about Hatred.

It goes something like this......

I know only too well how life can at times be hard to cope with, we all have our problems to bear, some more than others, and we all have to cope in whichever way we see fit in order to get through those.

But Hatred is a terrible emotion, it serves us no purpose other than make us dislike ourselves and life even more, Please don't encourage people to feel hate, especially towards yourself.

You see, I am one of those optimistic sorts who thinks that everything in life happens for a reason, the good things make me happy to the point of euphoria, the bad things don't make me feel anger or hatred, just hurt, sad and scared.

Scared that maybe someday, I will turn into one of those angry twisted people so full of hatred that I will see nothing good in life..... one of those people who are so afraid to smile in the face of darkness for fear of allowing themselves some happiness.

Part of my problem is.. Should I feel guilty at not allowing myself to curl up and die (inside)when troubles strike?

Would I feel in any way better if I was full of hate?

I already know your answer, well at least part of it.

Of course I shouldn't... and of course I wouldn't.

So all in all, no matter what life throws at me I will throw it right back with a smile (albeit a sad one), and I will thank God for the good things in life, but will bear no hatred for the bad.

Life is full of ups and downs, good, bad, sadness, happiness, anger and hatred.. All of us fall prey to the first seven of those I mentioned but I thank God that only a few of us allow our anger to turn to hate.

The other part of my problem is understanding why you ask for people to send you cards full of hatred!

My guess is, that most of those cards sent are actually nice..... and why?

Because you sir are a nice person.

I have this sneaky suspicion that for every card you receive with even a sniff of hatred, there will be six more full of cheerfulness and love.

You Seanacoochie are fighting a lost cause, for the truth is that the majority of people on this Forum LIKE YOU and that Sir is something you will have to live with.

*Rant over*

P.S.

Sorry if I in any way burst your bubble, but you still have Hiram on your side.

With all the hatred he spews towards you.. even without a postcard.... it should go at least some of the way in serving your purpose.

Whatever that may be.

Would a hug help?

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by YK2:

...and why?

Because you sir are a nice person.

Yup, he's the nice one