The Memorial Ascent of Peng Challenge (Elev. 40,000-1/2 ft.)

[The_Capt]

Good Gawd!!

I never thought they could put a migraine to print but this place is living proof that the dream is alive and well.

Mom, Dad please don't fight it makes me wet the bed. Plus it will scar how I will treat a young nubile peach skinned SSN, who I will take as Squire one fine day. I can see his firm pouting lips and big innocent eyes. A colt but the rippling muscle of a thorough-bred can be seen peeking out. Ah that magical age. But I digress.

Anyway I am sure that thing will unfold as the Good Lord intended (ie we will remain here for eternity rather than clutter up any place nice)

Now as to my "F" thread (by which it will be infamously known from here on out). Let me just say it was all in good jest and provided to illustrate a point thru shock value..kinda like me in a thong..but again I digress.

I was very surprised at how fast the Peng Thread became a catholic school. The Superintendent Prof/Father Madmatt swinging into town in between buggary sessions throughout the district;

Then the minor players Mace , Berlich..Berligte...Ber(sound of something pointy caught in the throat guy) , and of course [two can play at this game]Harv[\freakin wanker]. All began to twitter like sexually frustrated school girls flipping thru a copy of the Karma Sutra...short skirts about an inch too high above their young knees. A light dusting of hair they are too shy to shave,,young colts.... Sorry slipping again.

Then Mother Sister Sean-a-sneeze comes around with the ruler;

"There'll be none o' that language in my halls young man!" "Sacred Heart! I can only hope for yar sake the blessed virgin was busy saving a mar desarving soul when you decided to use you mouth as an outhouse!" Whack..Whack "Tis obvious to me that a foul demon has taken residence in between yar teeth and only the blessed holy soap is going to save you!!!"

"This is St Cesspool and we have standards!!!!"

And so forth and so on. Needless to say I like cussing..a lot. It isn't that I lack adjectives or the ability to present things in a more educated manner. Swearing is the common denominator of language. It is math and music. I can say "F[censored]ing hot" in four languages, not because I am particuarly bright (oh look an easy opening..KINDA LIKE YOUR MOM Lars !!) but because it is F[censored] hot in a lot of places and everybody understands that.

Swearing is the bottom line. It can make you laugh or cry. It is the first thing we do in this world and for many it is the last.

Now Madmatt the Disembroiler has let it be known that he runs a clean wargaming forum (one that makes a game out of death destruction and rock and roll). And even though we will allow films of burning people..well there will be in F[censored]s, Bulls[censored]s, A[censored]holes, D[censored]heads and all their variations here.

Now I am arrogant, juvenille and most of all EVIL. However, I do drive the speed limit and signal well ahead of the intersection. So I will play ball and talk nice.

Now while Mom and Dad fight Simon and I are going to slug it out in Venice.

[Boo Radley]

Originally posted by CMplayer:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by a wicked little man:

as I see it, it is within Goanna's right to spirit Herr Hauptmann away if he so desires

I should have known you were behind this you ungood, flatulant fuzzball! Sure, go ahead. Incite Goanna (with whom I have no quarrel) to steal my padawan. In that case I'll just choose another, I will. Someone nobody else wants. That would suit me just fine.

petulantly yours,

lil ol moi</font>

[Herr Oberst]

Originally posted by The_Capt:

Now I am arrogant, juvenille and most of all EVIL.

Pffffttt!!

You sir, are a rank amateur, a novice, a neophyte, a beginner, a postulant, a pretender, a scant whisper of what it takes to be Evil.

Cesspool Dictionary:

e·vil

noun.

</font>

• Berlichtingen or Berli to his friends.</font>
• The quality of being morally bad or wrong; wickedness.</font>
• That which causes harm, misfortune, or destruction: a leader's power to do both good and evil.</font>
• An evil force, power, or personification.</font>
• Something that is a cause or source of suffering, injury, or destruction: the social evils of poverty and injustice.
  </font>

adjective. e·vil·er, e·vil·est

</font>

• Berlier, Berliest.</font>
• Morally bad or wrong; wicked: an evil tyrant. </font>
• Causing ruin, injury, or pain; harmful: the evil effects of a poor diet. </font>
• Characterized by or indicating future misfortune; ominous: evil omens. </font>
• Bad or blameworthy by report; infamous: an evil reputation. </font>
• Characterized by anger or spite; malicious: an evil temper.
  </font>

adv. Archaic

</font>

• In a Berliesque fashion...</font>
• In an evil manner..
  </font>

[dalem]

I hate Wednesdays. I blame Berli.

In other boring news:

MrSpkr: Writhing in the crushing grip of my superior play.

Boo: Writhing in the crushing grip of my superior play.

Leeo: Writhing in the crushing grip of my superior play.

Sodding Off: Writhing in the crushing grip of my superior play.

Pondscum! You are as a Magellenic Cloud to my Milky Way, and House Persiflage would do well with some bashing and smashing about. I challenge you to a duel of not more than 1500 points, any other conditions are yours to set.

[ May 29, 2002, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: dalem ]

[Boo Radley]

Originally posted by Lurkur:

Then my liege Boo_Radley spake:

Squire Lurker, for your quest you shall challenge Simonize Elfwand, Idjit-Goes-Hawaiian and Noba-Fett(simply because I hates him).

In these battles, you will either be Greenies if Allies, or if you choose the Axis side, you will be VolksGeezers.

I trust you will do House Croda proud. Or something.

The only terms of battle I have been given are Green Amis attacking Volksturm. I don't care which side I (or you) take. Keep the fight to 1500 pts or less.

Lurkur, squire to Boo_Radley

Oh, and you other gits on my quest list, Gidget and Nobi-gone-kablewi, will get your proper taunting when I'm good and ready. Until then, wait by the phone.

Close, but no cee-gar, squireling. You will at all times play EITHER Greenies OR Volkspappies. In other words, the deck will be stacked against you.

Why, you may ask?

Three reasons I will give you:

ibid) Only in this manner will you fully develop the cunning and guile needed to survive the MBT. When you are finished with these games, I want you to have the cunning of a fox that has just finished his doctorate in cunningness at the International Institute for Cunningism.

a,e,i,o,u) When you win, you can taunt with that much more force. If you lose, you can blame the fact that you were saddled with a bunch of losers.

and sometimes y) Because I said so.

Believe me lad, you're getting off easy. dalem of the faint moustache, required his squire to play only as the French. I know, I know, it's tantamount to insanity, but what can you expect from a misplaced Michiganite.

M'Lud Croda bade me play his thrice cursed creation Crodaburg.

Be thankful that I didn't pass that particularly onerous task down to you.

Crodaburg burdens me like the title character was burdened in McTeague*

*The first person to to explain that analogy will get to challenge me in a game. You can pick side, size, level of gameyness.

[Lars]

Originally posted by The_Capt:

(oh look an easy opening..KINDA LIKE YOUR MOM Lars !!)

He shoots, he scores!

Nice to see I got under your skin with that one, really makes my day. Notice I didn't mention your father (after all, the birth certificate didn't).

Good work on the [censored] thing. You don't need to spell it out for us. We all have been remiss in letting the stray F'enhiemer slip (Seanachai, edit your post), but it lacks wit, style, and panache, which is what we aim for here. A true professional has no reason to work blue. No need to use profanity to be profane.

"A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:

Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

See? Piece of Cake.

[CMplayer]

Originally posted by The_Capt:

Now while Mom and Dad fight Simon and I are going to slug it out in Venice.

Very good, you do that. And remember the most important thing: you don't like Goanna because he is a mean, mean man who wants to kick your butt so it hurts. And that's the nicest thing he wants to do to you.

[CMplayer]

Yoo Hoo! The_Capt! Oh there you are, good. Your next duty, my tender squire, is threefold. You are to revere Sir Marlow (and play his scenarios), despise and revile Berli and treat the Justicar with the thankfulness he deserves for maintaining order and decency in this thread. Got that? Good. And one more thing, whatever you do don't go driving off with any strange Knights who offer you candy, or say that you're their squire. You're taken.

'kay you run along now and play...

[ May 29, 2002, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: CMplayer ]

[Patchy]

Originally posted by dalem:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

... but I'm just one man.

I thought you were a star-nosed mole.</font>

[GI Tom]

Great Mother of Pearl! The Peng thread lives on! Nothing to see here..just passing through. You see, it was a slow day at work and I happened across the board link in my fav's.

As I sat perusing the post, great memories arose. Bah! Enough of that. Back to your flatulating, disgusting tactics you combat wombat's! None of you deserve my greatness of presence anyhow. And another thing..may you all perish lying face down in your own vomit, especially Berli and Joe. Berli is just evil and never let me win. He deserves to be sent to the 7th level of wankerdom.

Yours in passing...

[Lurkur]

Boo_Radley wrote:

ibid) Only in this manner will you fully develop the cunning and guile needed to survive the MBT. When you are finished with these games, I want you to have the cunning of a fox that has just finished his doctorate in cunningness at the International Institute for Cunningism.

In that case I think I'll stick to the greenies, so I have the opportunity to cunningly call down artillery fire down on my own head, or cunningly use tanks as flaming smoke screens.

Harv is beating the snot out of me, as planned. Once my sinuses are clear I will be be free to hammer him as he's bending over to wipe the snot off of his big hairy fists.

I still owe Noba and (sigh) Idjit formal taunts. Soon...soon. Stay by the phone.

Lurk

[Lars]

Originally posted by Lurkur:

I will be be free to hammer him as he's bending over

I'm going to pass this one up just for you, Capt.

But please note, he's so excited he's stuttering.

[Guest PondScum]

Originally posted by mon petite liege:

Pondscum! You are as a Magellenic Cloud to my Milky Way

Mmmm... Milky Way... chocolate... mmmm

and House Persiflage would do well with some bashing and smashing about. I challenge you to a duel of not more than 1500 points, any other conditions are yours to set.

My conditions? Simple. Tell those nice folks at the port of Seattle to clear my air shipment through customs, stat. (Let this be a lesson to everyone: when moving house, add the CMBO CD to the "do not let this out of my sight, ever, on pain of death and dismemberment and having to read more drivel by The_Capt" pile)

[CMplayer]

Originally posted by GI Tom:

may you all perish lying face down in your own vomit, especially Berli

I'll second that and even part with a bucket of my own vomit if it'll get the job done quicker.

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by Stuka:

WE Seniour Kniggets...

What's this WE stuff?

After painstaking research...

First among the Knights of the Pool shall be...

Sir Joe Shaw, Knight Champion of the MBT, Justicar and Cesspool Drain commissioner

He shall stand second to the Olde Ones

The new provence of Dementia shall be divided by the following:

Sir Pawbroon, Grand Chevalier du Bizarre, The French

Sir Mensch the Mad, Knight Defender of Village Idiots

The penal colony known as Oz shall be divided thusly:

Freiherr Goanna, Rittmeister von Oz und Überlizard

Sir Mace, Knight Commander of Queensland, resident Sheepshagger

The following shall hold lands in the Royal Demesne:

Sir Madmatt, Knight Champion with a Big Stick, Olde Baldy, The Bald One, Chrome Dome, etc

Sir Lorak, Knight Commander of the College of Heralds, Elflord and Keeper of the Sacred Scrolls

Sir Geire, Knight Commander of the Frozen North, The Olde Firme

Now, for some truly annoying chaps:

Sir Bauhaus, Knight Defender of The Chair, Patron Saint of the Immaculate Thingy

Sir Andreas, Knight Commander of the Truly Pompous, The Bloody Hun

Sir Elvis, Knight Defender of the Unnumbered Files, Bloody Pillock

And finally (or until we decide to add others) we have:

Sir Hakko Ichiu, Knight Commander of the Perpetual Sneeze

Sir Moriarty, Knight Defender of the Lost Cause

Sir OGSF, Knight Commander of the Order of Robert Burns, Jimmy

...Later

Sir Hiram, Eeyore of the Mutha Beautiful Thread

Oh, and Mace (simple minded dolt), you will please note that you ARE a Senior Knight

[Joe Shaw]

I had a great deal to write on this hole subject of The_Capt and just whose squire he is, but work intruded so I'll just say this ...

If we glance at the list provided by Berli showing the heirarchy around here it will be apparent to anyone with half a brain and, perhaps, half of the Australians as well since they don't qualify under the first criteria, that I, as second to the Olde Ones could spot a likely lad who was squire to some other, lower ranked Knight (which is, obviously, just about everyone except the Olde Ones and they're usually too blitzed to pay attention anyway) and simply spirit him away because I was higher ranked! Is that right? Is that one hell of a run-on sentence?

While I admit that Goanna would likely bring the lad to heel in a right smart fashion and , let's face it, CMPlayer is a buffoon of the first order, it's just not the right thing to do. Now mind I still think that I should be consulted on each choice of Squire since, as Seanachai so rightly point out, MY choices have been excellent additions to the CessPool. I think that blackball authority is one that should reside in the Justicariate of the Peng Challenge Thread.

Joe

[dalem]

Originally posted by Persephone:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by dalem:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

... but I'm just one man.

I thought you were a star-nosed mole.</font>

[The_Capt]

Originally posted by Lars:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Lurkur:

I will be be free to hammer him as he's bending over

I'm going to pass this one up just for you, Capt.

But please note, he's so excited he's stuttering.</font>

[Goanna]

Some failed experiment of a nazi baby factory:Unless you be utterly without honour and unfit for this place.

Yeah, and what’s your point?

More unterblonde mutterings:Send a setup, your choice of sides and pointysplodys, and let the squire belong to the rightful winner.

Hmmmm, better answer this with a "perhaps". That’s a Russian "perhaps", mind you. Berli can explain the source, meaning and likelihood of a Russian perhaps coming to pass in your lifetime. In my world, annoying blonde upstarts from countries that produce cars as crappy as they are unstylish send their better’s a setup. Left to me, you are going to be playing "Where Eagles Dare" as the commandos.

A Bard (who is not fit to hold my sweaty tactical jockstrap):

My almost certain knowledge of the wiles, ways, and 'if only our nation had some possibility of Rehab' language of Australia, Shaw, is that Goanna is indicating, here, that you should be sodomized by a kangaroo.

Just so. As to your proposal about a taunt fest, I must also point out that while I am always up for the exchange of bile at five paces, why would I enter a contest for that which I already possess? Example:

First Instruction:

Now as to my "F" thread (by which it will be infamously known from here on out). Let me just say it was all in good jest and provided to illustrate a point thru shock value..kinda like me in a thong..but again I digress.

Hardly, you degenerate gutter snipe. First of all it’s called a post, not a thread. Threads are made up of a string of (typically) semi-related posts on a theme. However, this sort of level of detail is almost always lost on marketing types in their rush to flog as much of whatever crap they are trying to move without regard to manufacturing capabilities, lead times and other forms of concrete reality. Now go contemplate your failure to understand rules that we haven’t even come up with further. Oh, and take this with you:

BOOT!

Berli (who is so Evil he doesn’t own an atlas):

Oh, and Mace (simple minded dolt), you will please note that you ARE a Senior Knight

…and required to relocate north. Got those tickets booked yet? Don’t worry mate, there’s tons of mindless bureaucrats and animal husbandry up there too.

[The_Capt]

Goanna..interesting handle..kinda sounds like a venereal disease.

Good point my mistake..it must have been the hysterical amount of responses which led me to think of it as a thread.

Of by your definition o knighted one this whole thing consists of a series of individual threads...yes I said threads. Reason nothing here closely resembled a "string of (typically) semi-related posts on a theme" this is in fact an insane asylum where each lunatic mutters and sometimes screeches to themselves between making "drool bubbles" and drawing Monet copies in their own fecal matter...Ohh look at all the brown flowers!!

Now is time for medication...hmmm sweet brown liquor take me away....

[AUSSIEJEFF]

By Berli's beard!! Another remarkable loss chalked up by yours truly for Official Cesspoolian Scribe Lorak to err ..... scribe. Chalk up no. 5 at your pleasure, Mr Loathed One.

Given that the <U>crummy AI</U> chose only 213 brittle brits for MOI to defend against the massive 255 strong legion of hardened kraut fanatics driven disgustingly at whip point by the incipient MR Brew Adderly, PLUS the fact that I was awarded the measly sum of only 2 Stuarts and 2 Humblers vs HIS 7 (yeah - read FIVE) heavily armed 75mm/20mm HT's + 2 ruddy invincible Hetzers, it fairly boggles the mind that I made it past turn 10, let alone 40!

Oh, did I mention the AI thought it would make up for the <U>pathetic</U> force mix IT had chosen for ME by allocating 1 only (one only) 4.5" farty TOSSER who proved capable of flinging 1 round per 10 turns in the general direction of the enemy - ie nowhere in particular.

Given all the above detriments, I would rank this as an udderly brilliant Allied Major loss in the face of overwhelming oddities, if I may say so my humbleself!!

Me: 28 PTS; 2 men ok

Him: 72 PTS; 119 men ok

Next please!!!

AJ

{Loser is my middle name}

----------------------------

The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything. Except what is worth knowing. Journalism, conscious of this, and having tradesman-like habits, supplies their demands.

-Oscar Wilde

[imported_Hiram Sedai]

I’m posting because I still can. Do I feel like it? Not really. Somehow, I feel an obligation to you band of “cesspoolers”. I’ve been busy, but I know that you’ve heard that before. There is no excuse for not returning a turn in a timely manner. Elvis reminds me of that constantly. Life happens to you, but still you must remember what is truly important. Return your PBEM turns. I am constantly reminded by my opponents that it is a privilege to play them and that I should lose gracefully. Some want me to lose quickly and thank them for the game. Others want to extract each and every whimper from me. They want to murderize all of my digital soldiers and then enslave them.

Regarding news from the home front: My sister is doing quite well (considering) I tried to admonish her by saying that Combat Mission is all that matters in this existence and perhaps I should leave soon to process my turns. She rewarded me with a confused look. I get that look quite often.

Enough about me. It has come to my attention that Panzerleader’s older brother has decided to visit us. Like Panzerleader, he railed against the ideology of the Peng thread and created some very clever threads in the outerboards. He now frolics among us and longs to be accepted. How so very special. You vermin refer to him as “The Capt”

Did “The Capt” tell you about his bout with clamidia? I bet he was a bit tight lipped about that. Did he mention how his time in the Army was spent as a runner for the CO? Nope. He didn’t mention that either. I can bet that he wet himself the first time during NBC training and that they found his Judy Garland outfit during his first room inspection. (the heels gave him away) He is still fond of writing love letters though. I read the first one to MRPeng and it reminded me of when I was prepubescent. It made me want to shower incessantly. I used to send love letters. But,I sent them to a females of my species. It does sadden me. I thought this person had so much potential. But, he had to spoil it with a post laced with expletives and invectives. Mind you, I’m partial to the occasional invective and epithet, but cursing is so passé.

I’ll end this post with a little bit of fun. (this is for both of you who actually read this far)

“The Capt” (if that is your real name) You are a hot steaming pile of dung. Your sole purpose is life is to wait for people to step on you and for flies to feast upon you. Think back to the time when your existence started. You slid from the hindquarters of a moose and your feeble and pointless struggle began that day. Be proud of your stench and dark brown hue. Go ahead and be happy that you attract so many fans of the insect variety. They like you. In fact, they love you. They would clap with all six of their legs if they could.

However, we aren’t so predisposed towards manure. We acknowledge that you have your role in nature. Some of us aren’t quite bright enough to understand what the consequences are of stepping in you. I see that some want to squire you. I can’t really fathom collecting a huge pile of steaming feces and bringing it home to befriend. But, this is the place where such things occur. Go figure. This is the home of the hermaphroditic poet and the nefarious evil guy who looks like Jim Ignitalski with a beard.

You can’t surprise us. Try to be clever again. We might smirk. Maybe.

Edited because try as I might, I cannot be Germanboy. I shall now commit Seppuku

[ May 29, 2002, 09:34 PM: Message edited by: Hiram Sedai ]

[Boo Radley]

Originally posted by AussieJeff:

Given that the <U>crummy AI</U> chose only 213 brittle brits for MOI to defend against the massive 255 strong legion of hardened kraut fanatics driven disgustingly at whip point by the incipient MR Brew Adderly, PLUS the fact that I was awarded the measly sum of only 2 Stuarts and 2 Humblers vs HIS 7 (yeah - read FIVE) heavily armed 75mm/20mm HT's + 2 ruddy invincible Hetzers, it fairly boggles the mind that I made it past turn 10, let alone 40!

Oh, did I mention the AI thought it would make up for the <U>pathetic</U> force mix IT had chosen for ME by allocating 1 only (one only) 4.5" farty TOSSER who proved capable of flinging 1 round per 10 turns in the general direction of the enemy - ie nowhere in particular.

Given all the above detriments, I would rank this as an udderly brilliant Allied Major loss in the face of overwhelming oddities, if I may say so my humbleself!!

Me: 28 PTS; 2 men ok

Him: 72 PTS; 119 men ok

Next please!!!

AJ

{Loser is my middle name}

Yes, yes, yes, poor Snausages got handed a rum lot AGAIN! It so frazzled him that in the other game we're playing, he sent my initial file back to me. I would mock him, but it's far too easy.

[OGSF]

Hiram, good to hear your sister as hanging ain there. Keep on keepin' on laddie.

And noo a General Annoncemaint!!!

Ah might gi' tha chance tae let mah stankin' PBEM opponenets *snigger* knoo bah e-mail, boot tae cover tha caber sae tae speak...

Ah am awah tae England on Friday, an' Ah widnae bae back fer two weeks. Noo feckin' turrrns ye pillocks.

Baastaarrrds.

SirMacOberGruppenBloodyStompinSicFeuhrerBastardABCDJimmy

[dalem]

Originally posted by OGSF:

Hiram, good to hear your sister as hanging ain there. Keep on keepin' on laddie.

And noo a General Annoncemaint!!!

Ah might gi' tha chance tae let mah stankin' PBEM opponenets *snigger* knoo bah e-mail, boot tae cover tha caber sae tae speak...

Ah am awah tae England on Friday, an' Ah widnae bae back fer two weeks. Noo feckin' turrrns ye pillocks.

Baastaarrrds.

SirMacOberGruppenBloodyStompinSicFeuhrerBastardABCDJimmy

I like him. He talks silly.