The_Capt Posted June 18, 2001 Share Posted June 18, 2001 Well here I am again. Sitting at work with little to do. It is too early to drink and too late to call in sick. It isn't easy being a monkey keeper I can tell you. Brazilian **** Chuckers at that...no picnic at all. I can tell you trying to eat a sandwhich at lunch time can be a real adventure around here. But the pension is solid and we get doughnuts on Monday (if you can still keep food down). Well time for another look into the heart and soul of CM. Time to open the dark dank doors of that closet and shine some light into your withered souls. I see you out there with blood shot eyes and stained underwear. Burnt fingers from that forgotten cigarette in one hand, the other bloody from trying to place that 75 AT Gun in the perfect position...you havn't even noticed that your mouse stopped working 20 mins ago. OK now first thing is to simply ignore the title of this weeks rant, like a spoiled 3 yr old I was only doing it to get attention. The real topic for this "two week" editorial is....."What we really want to see in CM2" There has been an obscene amount of traffic on this topic over the last two weeks. The grogs, goons and freaks have all come out of the woodwork to add their two pennys worth to the next installment of what has become a gaming sensation. Last month a few articles hit the press with screen shots and half the board lit up. Man it was like the Smack Bus had flipped in Addictville. People were freakin out. Everything from: "Wow did you see that ISU-XXX, I saw a ISU-XXX....OH MY GAWD IT WAS BEAUTIFUL (SOBBING SOUNDS)...I can't talk about it anymore...I need to be alone.... to: "Charles and Steve are in league with Lucifer!!! Corporate bastards have sold us all out for a new car and weight set (no offence Charles but you look like you could use it...get some Sun too, your lookin downright pasty, lad). CM2 will cost $300, require a 128Mb Gas Powered Graphics Cards, A P7, the liver of a small child and will be a real time First Person Shooter, "DUKE MISSION: KICKING ASS BACK TO MOSCOW"...I FOR ONE AM OUTRAGED!!" Now once the smoke cleared the posts started: "I want to see Partisians" "I want the StrumTIGER" "I want a Kentucky Blue Grass Mod" And so forth. Now I know there is a segement out there who when CM2 arrives will curse it and swear by CM.."You can pry it from my Cold Dead fingers" type. I saw it in Counter-Strike and it will happen here. "Real men play CMBO, CM:B2B is for losers, freaks and women of negotiable virtue." That lot can move on..nothing to see here. Well be that as it may I will now list what I want to see in CM:B2B (formerly CM2)... "Churchill". No not the tank, the actual man. Short fat and bald (like most of us out there) a man after our own hearts. Oh ya! He lights demolition charges with his cigar and throws em both ways. Depending on the year of the war he'll shoot at Germans or Russians, just think of the mods.... "Mine Dogs". I am not making this up...they actually existed. I think these will be the ultimate in gamey. Imagine the look on some Grogs face when his Axis advance runs into a whole kennel of these things!!! I want to go one step further and see the Kiev Flaming Pigeon...a gallon of gas stuffed into a 4 pound bird, trust me it is for the best when the end comes. "Ghosts". The souls of your newly departed floating heavenward or the other direction depending where you buy the game. "Soundtrack". Something by Puff Wheat Daddy or maybe Jerry Halloway(or at least have her abs on the cover). A rockin soulful beat to drop shells by. Then BTS could download MP3 files so you could insert your music of choice. Planning a Human Wave assault...well young sir nothing but the Beach Boys will do! "Every vehicle in existance the time". I don't care if the only model broke down and burst into flames in the parking lot of the factory...I want to see it. I don't care if it is an Argentinian tractor...if it exsisted in 1941 I want in the game...or I am going to whine until CM3. Oh buy the way the same goes for weapons. "Full Frontal Nudity". Why Not?! I mean if I want my T-34 Tank Commander to jiggle I it should be allowed. Plus it would give BTS the radical front page coverage which will get the game selling like Myst. I mean the radical religous Right will by a couple thousand copies just to play the action turns backwards.."I saw Oasis in a snow bank!!" "Yellow Snow". Yup I am not immune to potty humour. But think about it a couple of hundred thousand guys livin in the snow...hey it's gotta go somewhere. "Just about everything which will make it so close to the real thing that I will need about 10 years of Post Traumatic Stress Counselling after playing". We want flashbacks and avoidance behaviour. I want to wake up screaming at 3 a.m. in urine soaked sheets cause I sent Volksgrenadiers to do a Strumgruppes job. I want BTS to pioneer smell-o-gaming. The sweet stench of human flesh to the pungent sniff of cordite...oh ya BABY can I have an AMEN!!! TESTIFY!!!! Ok I think that is enough for one day. Well feel free to insert your own ideas but remember we are all hooked like junkies here. Steve and Charles could put out a blank CD and half of the crew here would buy two just in case the first one breaks...I do love this game. And remember: CM till you go blind, then hire a monkey to play for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pzman Posted June 18, 2001 Share Posted June 18, 2001 LOL! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Schrullenhaft Posted June 18, 2001 Share Posted June 18, 2001 I think you've hit upon 'marketing gold' here. BTS should include a Brazilian Sh*t Chucker with CM. This is two birds with one stone. You can have a monkey playing for you AND you can experience "Smell-O-Rama" by way of the monkey giving you a faceful of the pungent stuff (and urinating upon you when he feels like it). "Man, this is what it was REALLY like in a foxhole!" When your 1000-yard-stare has been reduced to 1cm between the screen and your eyeballs you can "call in the Monkey" to finish the job for you. Thereby allowing you to drift off to sleep to the screams and explosions emanating from CM. The one problem I see here is that the Sh*t Chuckers could cause some shipping problems with the packages of CM being quarantined for a few months in every country that it is sent to. And then all that paperwork for animal-traffic laws. Blah ! I wonder if a packet of Sea-Monkies™ would work just as well ? [ 06-18-2001: Message edited by: Schrullenhaft ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tom Posted June 18, 2001 Share Posted June 18, 2001 Capt , THAT post saved my day! Cheers Tom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Commissar Posted June 18, 2001 Share Posted June 18, 2001 Pretty cool stuff, man Have to say though, honestly, I liked the last one better. Xcept the part with the sh*t chuckers and the frontal nudity! Braw, dat was ill! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Emrys Posted June 18, 2001 Share Posted June 18, 2001 Whaddaya think, guys? Is The_Capt a very sick man or what? I wonder if he hasn't picked up some kind of exotic brain virus from his Brazilian pets. Prob'ly should be quarantined... Michael Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawyer Posted June 18, 2001 Share Posted June 18, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Michael emrys: Is The_Capt a very sick man or what? I wonder Michael<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Of course the Capt is sick! He lives in Canada somewhere. But true brilliance is often masked by sickness. I mean, what about "Tommy"? Personally, I like the Capt's sidekicks best. With Pippu the sock puppet and the Brazilian monkeys, I think he could start a TV show for perverted children. All the great kiddie clowns are child abusers and drunks. Although I'm not sure the Capt can afford to get drunk in Canada, which just goes to show that you can't get what you need where you really, really need it. Having mentioned the kiddie show, I shall of course expect half of the royalties. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farnz Posted June 18, 2001 Share Posted June 18, 2001 Congrats, a good enough post to stop me a'lurking and post. Follow the Lawyers words but remember Pee Wee Herman.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ex Bellator Posted June 18, 2001 Share Posted June 18, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> When your 1000-yard-stare has been reduced to 1cm between the screen and your eyeballs you can "call in the Monkey" to finish the job for you. Thereby allowing you to drift off to sleep to the screams and explosions emanating from CM. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> If then you feel that the Monkey has done a particularly fine job of winning the game for you, why not spank it as a reward... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silvio Manuel Posted June 19, 2001 Share Posted June 19, 2001 "Churchill". No not the tank, the actual man. Short fat and bald (like most of us out there) a man after our own hearts. Oh ya! He lights demolition charges with his cigar and throws em both ways. Depending on the year of the war he'll shoot at Germans or Russians, just think of the mods.... Don't forget Winston huffing tons of Nitrous Oxide...he was a BIG fan, you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arien Posted June 19, 2001 Share Posted June 19, 2001 Keep up the good work Cpt.. bump for all to see... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gyrene Posted June 19, 2001 Share Posted June 19, 2001 The Brazilian Sh*t Launching Monkey (Macaco Lançador de Merda Brasileiro, Modelo A Tipo 3) wasn't introduced until late 1944 and was issued in very small numbers to non FEB (Forças Expedicionarias Brasileiras) units, and even fewer were lend/leased to the Russians as the BSLM had problems with the cold. (Although frozen poo was quite a bit more effective as an AP round than the warm kind) Taking all that into account, I'd expect the BSLM to have a very high (Or low, depending on how the system works) rarity factor for any Eastern Front battles. Gyrene Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snake Eyes Posted June 19, 2001 Share Posted June 19, 2001 LOL True genius!! You sick pervert. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Capt Posted June 19, 2001 Author Share Posted June 19, 2001 Now easy there Lawyer, our booze is more expensive but it does actually contain more than a trace of my friend Al K Hall. Unlike most American swill which will give about the same buzz as bathwater. For anybody that doesn't believe my rant just check out the "What are you going to do with your SturmTiger thread". I swear grogs are going to ruin this board yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snake Eyes Posted June 19, 2001 Share Posted June 19, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by The_Capt: For anybody that doesn't believe my rant just check out the "What are you going to do with your SturmTiger thread". I swear grogs are going to ruin this board yet.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Hey, don't take it so hard. Got to stir the pot every now and then. Rare vehicles vs rare programming time has been an ongoing battle since CMBO released. It's one of those things some folks love and some folks love to hate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawyer Posted June 19, 2001 Share Posted June 19, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by The_Capt: Now easy there Lawyer, our booze is more expensive but it does actually contain more than a trace of my friend Al K Hall. Unlike most American swill which will give about the same buzz as bathwater. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I agree Capt. Thus, I personally achieve a nice catatonic state with "3 Monts" ale (French Flanders, not Frenchy French), followed by whatever number of Molsons are needed to complete the job. BTW, I think your kiddie TV show should be called Child Hunter, and feature you, Pippu, and the Brazilian monkeys stalking cute and interesting kids at the mall, the movie theater, the playground, and wherever else they hang out. This show format has worked very well for Steve Irwin in his Croc Hunter show on Animal Planet. How do you look in shorts? Can you fake an Aussie accent? I can just see you grabbing some kid by the ears, and saying: "Now loook at this feahlaw heeer. Roight, I'm not hurtin' the lil guy, but he's sqeeelin' fer his mama anyhow." In an era where people love televised violence on reality TV, and kid shows draw millions, Child Hunter will make a fortune. I still want half the royalties. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrSpkr Posted June 20, 2001 Share Posted June 20, 2001 Umm, not to put a damper on the syndication rights or anything, but keep in mind this is the same Lawyer who thought "Welcome to Peng Challengville" was a pretty cool name for a Peng thread . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mace Posted June 20, 2001 Share Posted June 20, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lawyer: This show format has worked very well for Steve Irwin in his Croc Hunter show on Animal Planet. How do you look in shorts? Can you fake an Aussie accent? I can just see you grabbing some kid by the ears, and saying: "Now loook at this feahlaw heeer. Roight, I'm not hurtin' the lil guy, but he's sqeeelin' fer his mama anyhow." <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> That is the worst Aussie impression I've ever read! Mace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawyer Posted June 20, 2001 Share Posted June 20, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr: Umm, not to put a damper on the syndication rights or anything, but keep in mind this is the same Lawyer who thought "Welcome to Peng Challengville" was a pretty cool name for a Peng thread . . .<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> And it was a DAMNED GOOD NAME too, especially considering tha I had about 15 seconds to think up a name in order to beat the crowd back in the old Peng Challenge thread goldrush days. Mr Spkr, you are the kind of unimaginative idjit that would think "Beverly Hillbillies" was a bad name for a TV show. We're aiming at American masses here, pal, not artsy fartsy Poolers. This is about MONEY, which in the US means aiming low, very low. Mace You're jealous cuz Steve Irwin figured out how to get rich thrashing around in the bush. And he's got a cute American wife, too. You just have your same old vulcanized rubber Aussie gub'ment stamper that you use to decide the fate of all the Japanese immigrants. Your idea of being hip is to get a new ink pad for the stamper. I'll bet you sound just like a Pommie. Excuse me, make that a POMMIE WANNABEE. There's nothing worse than an Ozzie who wants to sound like he's from the old country. Hey, are you also a "subject of the Queen" like Aitken?? Thank you all for your support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speedbump Posted June 20, 2001 Share Posted June 20, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lawyer: And he's got a cute American wife, too. You just have your same old vulcanized rubber Aussie gub'ment stamper that you use to decide the fate of all the Japanese immigrants. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Are you saying Maceis married to office equipment, and not the flock?!?!? Speedbump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Capt Posted June 20, 2001 Author Share Posted June 20, 2001 Ok settle, Now this was an shallow introspective into the hearts and minds of CM gamers. NOT an opportunity for the Peng crew to try and stage a coup! Get back in your hole cause we are tryin to eat here!!!! Now Lawyer, as much fun as a "child abduction" show may sound, it is bound to get out of control. I mean the first season will be a smash but then we'll get corrupt in order to to stay ahead of the clones. We'll start paying our children to pull a gun, burst into flame or start spouting 8th century biblical prophesies in Egyptian while exhibiting stigmata. Then we'll sell out to the entertainment overlords in L.A. to support our growing hooker and whiskey habit. Next thing you now you and I are sharing a bus stall and fighting over which corner to pee in. I'll wake up one morning to find you dead...go thru your stuff and try to harvest an organ or two. In short it is dangerous to court Fame and Riches for she is a two faced heartless bitch just like Mom.... OK I have issues but anyway...Peng guys buzz off and I will stick with my day job until the ticking sends me screaming over the edge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mace Posted June 20, 2001 Share Posted June 20, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lawyer: You're jealous cuz Steve Irwin figured out how to get rich thrashing around in the bush. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I'm waiting for the Crocs to get the winning hand (and leg, and perhaps his head as well) <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>And he's got a cute American wife, too. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Is American cuteness a better quality of cute? I don't think so! As long as they're cute, that's fine by me! <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>you just have your same old vulcanized rubber Aussie gub'ment stamper that you use to decide the fate of all the Japanese immigrants.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> XXI) I work in public housing (you know, the place you evict people from), not immigration. 23.3) I'm a professional (business analyst), the only thing I stamp is my heals on one corner of desk as I research the back of my eye-lids. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Your idea of being hip is to get a new ink pad for the stamper.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Bullsh*t! My idea of hip is to get a new Red ink pad for my stamper! <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I'll bet you sound just like a Pommie. Excuse me, make that a POMMIE WANNABEE. There's nothing worse than an Ozzie who wants to sound like he's from the old country. Hey, are you also a "subject of the Queen" like Aitken?? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Nothing is more insulting to an Aussie than to be called a Pom! It's true, Lawyer's have no soul! *grumbles* Mace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stalin's Organ Posted June 20, 2001 Share Posted June 20, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mace: That is the worst Aussie impression I've ever read! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> When did you learn to read? Are they teaching it in Aussie uni's now? What about writing? I thought it was spot on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawyer Posted June 20, 2001 Share Posted June 20, 2001 Okay, Capt, we'll leave you in peace now. But someday you'll be sorry when you see Child Hunter hit it big with Peng hosting, and large breasted babes all around. We'll be livin' large on the Left Coast, and you will still be sleeping in New Foundland with Nathan Duncan and Pippu. God help you if you let the Brazilian monkeys in the bed too. BTW, you owe me $2000 for keeping your thread at the top of the list today. Pay now, or I'm gonna tell Panzer Leader you want him to post here. Mace You are the only bureaucrat I've ever seen who is proud to point out that he works in public housing instead of immigration. As if there's a difference... I'm gonna have to kill you one day when I get finished with my current crop of gits. [ 06-19-2001: Message edited by: Lawyer ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Tom Posted June 20, 2001 Share Posted June 20, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by The_Capt: Ok settle, Now this was an shallow introspective into the hearts and minds of CM gamers. NOT an opportunity for the Peng crew to try and stage a coup! Get back in your hole cause we are tryin to eat here!!!! Now Lawyer, as much fun as a "child abduction" show may sound, it is bound to get out of control. I mean the first season will be a smash but then we'll get corrupt in order to to stay ahead of the clones. We'll start paying our children to pull a gun, burst into flame or start spouting 8th century biblical prophesies in Egyptian while exhibiting stigmata. Then we'll sell out to the entertainment overlords in L.A. to support our growing hooker and whiskey habit. Next thing you now you and I are sharing a bus stall and fighting over which corner to pee in. I'll wake up one morning to find you dead...go thru your stuff and try to harvest an organ or two. In short it is dangerous to court Fame and Riches for she is a two faced heartless bitch just like Mom.... OK I have issues but anyway...Peng guys buzz off and I will stick with my day job until the ticking sends me screaming over the edge.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Don't forget... "you get to drink out of the fire hose!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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