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The Bi-Monthly Lurker #3; Darwins Theory of CM

The_Capt
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The_Capt Senior Member

The_Capt

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OK as you can tell by the title, things at the ol' Capt house have been pretty busy. My wifes hatred for CM has hit new heights, my kids will now only speak to the back of my head as the front "is too unfamiliar" and the cat has undergone started the long road to gender reallocation, for which we are all really supporting it and hope her..him..it the best in uh whatever's new life.

Good luck Tiger..er Fluffy we are all pulling for you!

I also made a sock puppet...PIPPU. He is my CM assistant. He has a foreign legionaire hat and speak with a continental accent. "Remember your old amis PIPPU!" "Oh non, 'ere come the Algerians!". The kids love him but he really hasn't helped my game much...damn French make lousy fighters.

OK enough rambling. This bi-monthly topic is that of the evolution of a CM player. How we came from the primordial soup of the ocean of consumerismismism to become higher thinking animals of the polygon orgy..Combat Mission; Beyond Overlord.

The Customer: When we first hear about the game thru media or dream insertion. "Well doesn't that look interesting" stage of play. On the forum it is easy to spot these souls cause they always have the best questions.

"Where is the lens flare"

"I want a campaign where you can name each man and cry over their graves"

"Those tracers look hokey"

"Is the game any harder than the demo, cause I rock on the demo and I think I'll rock in the game!!"

Now our party line is to placate and act friendly to this sort because they actually havn't purchased the game. We all act like shareholders and sing praises to this "best game I ever played".."Saved me from Satan!" piece of software.

The Newbie: Clean as the new driven snow. Soft and supple, sweet as peaches. The newbie is the junior member of the crowd. These guys (and girls..ya right!) always ask the technical questions about which there are already about 200 posts.

"Why won't my tank fire t rounds?"

"My infantry can run but my MGs can't?"

"What planet is this?"

"How do you breathe?"

It is at this point that the knives come out and you realize just how crazed some members are. The truth is that the truly obsessed ones get pissed cause they actually had to waste game time to read your post..hence the anger.

Most Newbies are smart enough to stick to the AI. Which is kinda like playing Mom. You know she will pretend to give you a good game but you are going to win anyway. Why? Cause like Mom, BTS loves you.

Now a few Newbies don't think MOM is good enough for them..oh no they have played wargames before...they rule Command and Conquer. They even finished Close Combat so hey, "What do I need to play MOM for, I think I will kick some butt and feel like a man".

This subset can also be refered to as Sacrifices to the Ladder. They are the ones who rush for the flags, actually think the Panther is bullet proof and believe infantry and armoured cooperation is for losers. They do learn eventually but long after their china doll skin have been ravaged and the haunted look in their eyes says that they have been abused in ways which men should not have to endure.

The Grunt: OK so you've played MOM pretty much to death, it is time to branch out. The grunt begins to wonder about things like mods, terrain tiles and usually opens the scenario creator for the first time. The grunt also discovers "a great truth of life". In fact let's call it "Capts' Great Truth of Life #1": Things you started doing alone, really take on a new light when you do it with someone else.

Multiplay. Ususally PBEMs at first. One then two until you find out that it is actually possible to spend on hour on E-mail turns alone. You join a ladder so you can prove to your wife that this is worth the time and effort.."Look honey I am in the top 250!!! My life has meaning...now you can give me NUM-NUMs..after I am done of course."

The you try a Network game. This is like going to cocaine after trying coffee. Network games add the instant gratification which we all seek and transend CM from the fuddy-duddy, stodginess of "turn play" to fast and furious action. The problem is of course time. Even the most dedicated CM player may spend an hour or two PBEMing but a Network game can make three hours disappear faster than **** thru a goose. Much to the deight of your loved ones and/or pets.

True story; I actually got so involved in a game that I forgot to let the dog out. She is old and really needs to be let out on schedule. Not only did she pee on the carpet..she did so about three feet away from me. I didn't notice until I stepped in it at the end of the game.

The Scientist. OK you've progressed this far now the nest step. EXPERIMENTATION. "Hmm I keep losing, what gives...now I wonder just how effective those MGs are...maybe I'll set up a scenario and.." Stop right there! You are entering the third level of the descent into madness. Once you cross this point there is no going back. You will find yourself testing out new units, weapons and vehicles in a myriad of different combinations. Offence, Defence and Meeting Engagement. All in pursuit of the perfect game. Or should I say "The Perfect Game". The one where it all goes right and everything goes your way. Oh ya keep dreamin cause the sun is never gonna shine!

Scientist, get dragged into effectivness threads like ducks into an water intake valve. MGs, bazookas (or zooks as you call them now), FTs, Jags, HTs. You down load spreadsheets with all the stats. You my friend are Geeking out!!

The Historian: Oh ya you are too far gone at this point. You begin reading history books on the units and weapons. Spending work time surfing the web for good sites on tactics. You even think about making historical scenarios. You rarely even post on the forum cause you know the answer. You are near the end.

The Lost Cause; It is the first thing in your mind when you get out of bed. The After Action Report of your last battle carries you off to sleep. Sex has no appeal anymore cause hey "It's a frontal advance into close terrain, dominated by high features..only an idiot would go there!" You begin eating meals in front of the computer. Your ladder score is soaring. You are Rommel..right PIPPU? "That is right mon general!!"

Then it happens..The Perfect Game. The enemy actually goes where he is supposed to, the arty lands on time. Your Hertzer gets first shot kills. You take the flags and hold them for you country. PIPPU is screaming "Today we are Gods!!!!"

You re-surface with a total victory sitting in a pool of your own waste. The Dog is dead, starved to death, judging by the fact that it died gnawing on it's foot. Your wife is gone and there are 10 messages from her lawyer. She has found someone who doesn't even own a computer. Your kid call him "Daddy with a Face".

And then when you think it is over, you've had enough they release CM2....

Happy Addiction

Capt

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StugIII Member

StugIII

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I can totally relate to the dog story. The door to the backyard is in the "Computer Room". My dog spent an unknown amount of time trying to get me to let her out. I kept telling her "wait a minute". I don't know when she stopped bugging me but eventually I found out WHY she stopped bugging me as a new aroma filled the room... :confused:

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Murph Senior Member

Murph

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What a riot! Keep them coming, please!

I get a smile on my face everytime I picture your Frenchie sock puppet (my CM assitant :D ) telling you in his thick French accent: "Today, we are gods!!!"

Gotta love this game.

Murph

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Taz Junior Member

Taz

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Have you been looking into my house. This has been happening ever since I purchased CM.

Wife and kids wonder if I'm alive sometimes, the dog is growing fat from the the lack of exercise. Love the story. Instead of a sock, I talk to the dog laying at my feet wanting to go out. Love the story. Keep them coming

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Londoner Senior Member

Londoner

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OMG ROFL!!!!!! As i write this my eyes are still watering. I've NEVER laughed so hard reading a CM thread. Capt, sir I Salute you and your faithful surbordinate, Lt PIPPU.

Ok, i'm distressingly near the "Lost Cause", what do I do doc??

There's specks of food on my monitor and my girl friend said she heard me muttering something about panthers in my sleep. :D

[ 04-19-2001: Message edited by: Londoner ]

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Enoch Senior Member

Enoch

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Earlier this week while playing a TCP/IP game I scared my dog and caused my wife to come running upstairs laughing when I started screaming and swearing. When I told her that the reason for my profanities was that a panzerschrek team had sprung an ambush too soon getting off only one shot at a M36 (missing) and then breaking under fire she only started laughing even more.

I don't think she realized how costly that mistake by my schrek team was.

:(

[ 04-19-2001: Message edited by: Enoch ]

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109 Gustav Senior Member

109 Gustav

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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by The_Capt:

True story; I actually got so involved in a game that I forgot to let the dog out. She is old and really needs to be let out on schedule. Not only did she pee on the carpet..she did so about three feet away from me. I didn't notice until I stepped in it at the end of the game.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Don't worry, I'm sure she'll hit you next time. :D

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coralsaw Senior Member

coralsaw

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Hey Capt,

A classic. smile.gif

But you forgot a class of players:

The philosopher

Posts about meta-CM issues, like taxonomy of players, existential aspects of CM and the like. Best specimen: The Capt. ;)

coralsaw

[ 04-20-2001: Message edited by: coralsaw ]

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Michael Dorosh Senior Member

Michael Dorosh

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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by The_Capt:

The Historian: Oh ya you are too far gone at this point. You begin reading history books on the units and weapons. Spending work time surfing the web for good sites on tactics. You even think about making historical scenarios. You rarely even post on the forum cause you know the answer. You are near the end.

Happy Addiction

Capt<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

This entire thing is brilliant, but as for the Historian (and not posting) - if only it were true! Some mad few began reading those same books in elementary school and feel compelled to contribute to the lake of knowledge with astonishing regularity. Did you guys know that Third Canadian Division lost about 1000 men on D-Day itself?????

Oh, and of course the Historian turns into The Grog at some point. Not only can he quote you the history behind the game, but the history of how other wargames handled every facet of that history, and how CM should also have been designed/CM2 should be designed.

The sock puppet was a nice touch; I still shout at the screen. Has Pippu come to the stage of giving reasonable explanations as to why your Tiger simply fired smoke at that Sherman, etc. ?

[ 04-20-2001: Message edited by: Michael Dorosh ]

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The_Capt Senior Member

The_Capt

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Ferdinand,

Thanks, I musta missed that month in grade 10 Biology...The whole thing is a joke my boy, the sock puppet should have given it away. I used Darwin to puctuate the emphasis of the evolution of a CM player, not as a direct link to his theories.

I have obviously confused and hurt you, for that I apologize. So does PIPPU :D .

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