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The Twice A Month Lurker # 8..9? "The Sweet Stench of the CM Forum"

The_Capt

By The_Capt
in Combat Mission Archive #3 (2001)

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The_Capt Senior Member

The_Capt

Posted
Posted

Yup it is time for the good ol'Capt to blow fresh air into this forum. No offence boys and girls (both of them) but this forum has gotten staler than a bag of Ramses Egyptian Funeral Potato Chips.

I swear I am reading the same posts over and over again. If I was really paranoid I would think that Madmatt is recycling old threads under new titles just to keep the forum "dead sexy", well he is half way there.

OK so how do we liven this party up...Oh look another CMBB thread!! :rolleyes:

Well I am going to put it up right here and now. I have noticed a section of the forum, a dark and nasty section of our society. The Flame Troopers, that is right, not the 70's rock band but the bunch of guys who always come out of the woodwork to argue anypoint to whatever degree just so long as they can spill your blood on the screen. This group usually swims around quietly until some poor bastard actually asks a really dopey question or posts some inflamatory remark.

Then the Flame Troopers (FTps) attack with zeal. I have watched these lads strip a Newbie of all flesh in about 10 seconds. Grown men run away screaming, Grogs say "well screw you Mr poopy head" and head down into Moms basement.

Now don't confuse the Flame Trooper with a Freak. Freaks have no direction and once their hormones level out, they have as much chance at being normal as anybody. No FTps are a special breed who have directiona nd zeal. Sometimes they work in concert and sometimes alone. They will argue black is white and you are under-educated window mold for not agreeing them.

So if you are a FTp, you can skip to the end where I will have something which you can strike on but for the rest of the uneducated masses the following is a brief guide, ignore at your own risk.

FTps tactics 101

Ok first thing is that no one thread will ensure the arrival of the FTps, often benign threads will escilate to the point where the blood in the water will attract them. So beware at all times. You may be discussing the merits of the PIAT and next thing you wake up on the General Forum, slathered in virtual vasoline with a PIAT in a place which God never wanted it to be (you know that because PIATs are neither chewy or particularly nutritious). You will look up and see bare chested painted lunatics dancing over your prone form. My friend, you will pray for a padlock to deliver you from this hell but no padlock will come...it is nightmare time. Your only hope will be to abandon all dignity and run from the forum, your clothes in tatters and you know will be jumping like a shaved cat when someone says anything that sounds like PIAT for the rest of your (God be merciful) short life.

So rule #1 Trust No One. Do not be baited into a tangent discussion and watch for "the glove", it will be the trigger for the firefight. It may be an off handed remark like "Well what do you think about the Churchill...the man" and whammo the **** will start to fly. Remember the CM Forum is like the freakin Mob, the guy you may be talkin to may be your best PBEM buddy but when the call comes he may be the one who "does" you.

Rule #2. "Your Momma has left the building". Madmatt and his admin choirboys are not here to take care of you. Hell they don't even like you, all day, everyday they have to stick their noses in this place and put up with your crap SO SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE HELL UP!!!! Sorry I think I was channelling (sp? whatever nevermind) there for a minute. Anyway, if you expect Madmatt to come on board and stop the schoolyard fight for anything less than someone posting:

"****ITY **** ****, GODDAMN STINKY CHEESEDICK SON OF A BITCH, FARTSNIFFIN DOGWATER DRINKIN STENCHQUEEN FRITO SON OF FRANKO, CHEETO SNORTING PIPE BUNNEY!!! I HOPE YOU DIE SCREAMING THRU A MOUTHFULL OF BLOOD!!!! PRAISE SATAN AND MY NAZI OVERLORDS!!!!!"

You are quite mistaken, you see they don't care if you are being torn to pieces in front of 1000 spectators so long as it is kept clean. So be forewarned you are on you own. Once Mommy drops you off at the curb you are protected by your own keyboard and (God help us) wits.

Rule #3. "Long Post only drain your strength". So you have dismissed rules 1 & 2 and you have gotten into a forum fight with a FTpr. OK well I guess you are here may I suggest you at least put up a struggle, it makes the whole thing last longer for the entertainment of the rest of us. Now when answering a Hot Post, don't start pulling out facts or historical links or any long winded argument. I'll tell you a little secret...NOBODY READS EM! Especially not the sharks circling, they get as far as "Oh ya well let me just tell you about this HISTORY OF PIATS I read". At which point they will unlease at length about your literacy and the doubtful veracity of that previous statement followed by a re-hash of why they are in fact totally right and that you are so wrong that your are in fact risking your eternal soul by even contradicting them.

Rule #4. "Don't stay on topic." Trust me a moving target is harder to hit. If you stick to your guns expect to have them blown out from under you. You may be totally right but 15 obscure and questionable sources can't be wrong, again God hates you and your mother is sleeping with a bull in hell. Have a nice day.

Rule#5. "When you get bumped to the General Forum...run." OK at the Main CM forum there exists some sense of law and order (stress on the quantitative) but the General Forum is the Outer Wastes. Hell Madmatt doesn't even like going out there. Strange creatures who want to talk about Evolution, Politics and "Other Games" live out there. The FTpr is a veteran of the Wastes and is quite comfortable there, especially if he can get the "mouth breathers" out there worked up in his favour. You, my young and new friend, are screw--id at this point. There is a prophecy that one day a Chosen One will come and make the Wastes and civilized place but you aren't him.

Rule #6. "When in doubt be from somewhere else" Ya you are Joe Kansas but once it starts getting ugly you are now Kilthazar Jithbathsnub from Outer Yemen...You English is not goot but You very happy to play CM. It is shallow but it may just allow someone else from Outer Yemen to pipe up and take the heat off.

Rule #7. "CM Rules" Even if you are pointing out an obvious flaw in the game, remember IT RULEZ. So long as you have that as your shield you may survive. Even FTps know better than to come out on the bad side of CM. The only thing worse than an FTpr experience is a CM Zombie Mob attack...damn I just wet myself typing it...

OK seven little rules to live by..

Now for the Flame Troopers and you know who you are, I would like to invite you to The_Capts first Open CM Flame War. Let's settle once and for all who is the baddest "mutha" in the Valley. I will start it up in the General Forum but for now I am taking topic suggestions, so think up your hottest and post it here, the winner will get a wonderful plate of cheese from the bottom of my fridge.

[ 09-07-2001: Message edited by: The_Capt ]

[ 09-07-2001: Message edited by: The_Capt ]

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Fairbairn-Sykes Senior Member

Fairbairn-Sykes

Posted
Posted

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by The_Capt:

You may be discussing the merits of the PIAT and next thing you wake slathered in virtual vasoline with a PIAT in a place which God never wanted it to be (you know that because PIATs are neither chewy or particularly nutritious). You will look up and see bare chested painted lunatics dancing like a shaved cat when someone says... " Let's settle once and for all who is the baddest "mutha" in the Valley." I am taking topic suggestions, so think up your hottest and post it here, the winner will get a wonderful plate of cheese from the bottom of my fridge.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I tried to rouse the elite Flammtruppen, but no luck...

hey Juju - what was that other item you listed after the Cola & stale crackers...?

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Lawyer Senior Member

Lawyer

Posted
Posted

In an unwise career move, The_Capt seems to have abandoned Pippu, the real star of the show. It didn't work for Dean Martin, and it won't work for The_Capt. There are job opportunities now that Mr. Rogers has retired.

Never send a Capt. to do a Pippu's job.

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The_Capt Senior Member

The_Capt

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Hey guys give it time,

I expect some response over the weekend.

I already have a few topics to start things off hmm let me see...

A. I THINK CM SHOULD BE REAL TIME!!

B. MGs SHOULD RUN !!!

C. THE NON-AMERICAN ALLIES SUCK BUT THEN AGAIN THEY DID IN REAL LIFE TOO...HELL WE WON THE WAR!!!

I am of course open to other suggestions.

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JasonC Senior Member

JasonC

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Posted

"...open to other suggestions"

Well then you sig is all wrong. It is when you are wounded -and left- on Afghanistan's plains. Talk about missing the point; it means the dear Capt' isn't coming back for your sorry tailbone, nidge-it! And it is when the women come out to cut up -what- remains, not -your- remains you bleeding piker! Then it is -just- roll to your rifle; you left out the "just", the whole point of which is to insinuate this is a normal daily occurance for which every Tommy is always prepared. Naturally the only part you got right is offing yerself, because you think about it all the time even in Pittsburg, and you've never been to Afghanistan's plains, and can only dream of so fine an excuse for ending your miserable existence.

How's that?

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Pzman Senior Member

Pzman

Posted
Posted

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by The_Capt:

Yup it is time for the good ol'Capt to blow fresh air into this forum. No offence boys and girls (both of them) but this forum has gotten staler than a bag of Ramses Egyptian Funeral Potato Chips.

I swear I am reading the same posts over and over again. If I was really paranoid I would think that Madmatt is recycling old threads under new titles just to keep the forum "dead sexy", well he is half way there.

OK so how do we liven this party up...Oh look another CMBB thread!! :rolleyes:

Well I am going to put it up right here and now. I have noticed a section of the forum, a dark and nasty section of our society. The Flame Troopers, that is right, not the 70's rock band but the bunch of guys who always come out of the woodwork to argue anypoint to whatever degree just so long as they can spill your blood on the screen. This group usually swims around quietly until some poor bastard actually asks a really dopey question or posts some inflamatory remark.

Then the Flame Troopers (FTps) attack with zeal. I have watched these lads strip a Newbie of all flesh in about 10 seconds. Grown men run away screaming, Grogs say "well screw you Mr poopy head" and head down into Moms basement.

Now don't confuse the Flame Trooper with a Freak. Freaks have no direction and once their hormones level out, they have as much chance at being normal as anybody. No FTps are a special breed who have directiona nd zeal. Sometimes they work in concert and sometimes alone. They will argue black is white and you are under-educated window mold for not agreeing them.

So if you are a FTp, you can skip to the end where I will have something which you can strike on but for the rest of the uneducated masses the following is a brief guide, ignore at your own risk.

FTps tactics 101

Ok first thing is that no one thread will ensure the arrival of the FTps, often benign threads will escilate to the point where the blood in the water will attract them. So beware at all times. You may be discussing the merits of the PIAT and next thing you wake up on the General Forum, slathered in virtual vasoline with a PIAT in a place which God never wanted it to be (you know that because PIATs are neither chewy or particularly nutritious). You will look up and see bare chested painted lunatics dancing over your prone form. My friend, you will pray for a padlock to deliver you from this hell but no padlock will come...it is nightmare time. Your only hope will be to abandon all dignity and run from the forum, your clothes in tatters and you know will be jumping like a shaved cat when someone says anything that sounds like PIAT for the rest of your (God be merciful) short life.

So rule #1 Trust No One. Do not be baited into a tangent discussion and watch for "the glove", it will be the trigger for the firefight. It may be an off handed remark like "Well what do you think about the Churchill...the man" and whammo the **** will start to fly. Remember the CM Forum is like the freakin Mob, the guy you may be talkin to may be your best PBEM buddy but when the call comes he may be the one who "does" you.

Rule #2. "Your Momma has left the building". Madmatt and his admin choirboys are not here to take care of you. Hell they don't even like you, all day, everyday they have to stick their noses in this place and put up with your crap SO SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE HELL UP!!!! Sorry I think I was channelling (sp? whatever nevermind) there for a minute. Anyway, if you expect Madmatt to come on board and stop the schoolyard fight for anything less than someone posting:

"****ITY **** ****, GODDAMN STINKY CHEESEDICK SON OF A BITCH, FARTSNIFFIN DOGWATER DRINKIN STENCHQUEEN FRITO SON OF FRANKO, CHEETO SNORTING PIPE BUNNEY!!! I HOPE YOU DIE SCREAMING THRU A MOUTHFULL OF BLOOD!!!! PRAISE SATAN AND MY NAZI OVERLORDS!!!!!"

You are quite mistaken, you see they don't care if you are being torn to pieces in front of 1000 spectators so long as it is kept clean. So be forewarned you are on you own. Once Mommy drops you off at the curb you are protected by your own keyboard and (God help us) wits.

Rule #3. "Long Post only drain your strength". So you have dismissed rules 1 & 2 and you have gotten into a forum fight with a FTpr. OK well I guess you are here may I suggest you at least put up a struggle, it makes the whole thing last longer for the entertainment of the rest of us. Now when answering a Hot Post, don't start pulling out facts or historical links or any long winded argument. I'll tell you a little secret...NOBODY READS EM! Especially not the sharks circling, they get as far as "Oh ya well let me just tell you about this HISTORY OF PIATS I read". At which point they will unlease at length about your literacy and the doubtful veracity of that previous statement followed by a re-hash of why they are in fact totally right and that you are so wrong that your are in fact risking your eternal soul by even contradicting them.

Rule #4. "Don't stay on topic." Trust me a moving target is harder to hit. If you stick to your guns expect to have them blown out from under you. You may be totally right but 15 obscure and questionable sources can't be wrong, again God hates you and your mother is sleeping with a bull in hell. Have a nice day.

Rule#5. "When you get bumped to the General Forum...run." OK at the Main CM forum there exists some sense of law and order (stress on the quantitative) but the General Forum is the Outer Wastes. Hell Madmatt doesn't even like going out there. Strange creatures who want to talk about Evolution, Politics and "Other Games" live out there. The FTpr is a veteran of the Wastes and is quite comfortable there, especially if he can get the "mouth breathers" out there worked up in his favour. You, my young and new friend, are screw--id at this point. There is a prophecy that one day a Chosen One will come and make the Wastes and civilized place but you aren't him.

Rule #6. "When in doubt be from somewhere else" Ya you are Joe Kansas but once it starts getting ugly you are now Kilthazar Jithbathsnub from Outer Yemen...You English is not goot but You very happy to play CM. It is shallow but it may just allow someone else from Outer Yemen to pipe up and take the heat off.

Rule #7. "CM Rules" Even if you are pointing out an obvious flaw in the game, remember IT RULEZ. So long as you have that as your shield you may survive. Even FTps know better than to come out on the bad side of CM. The only thing worse than an FTpr experience is a CM Zombie Mob attack...damn I just wet myself typing it...

OK seven little rules to live by..

Now for the Flame Troopers and you know who you are, I would like to invite you to The_Capts first Open CM Flame War. Let's settle once and for all who is the baddest "mutha" in the Valley. I will start it up in the General Forum but for now I am taking topic suggestions, so think up your hottest and post it here, the winner will get a wonderful plate of cheese from the bottom of my fridge.

[ 09-07-2001: Message edited by: The_Capt ]

[ 09-07-2001: Message edited by: The_Capt ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Be carefull, Cap they maybe looking for new targets. As a former big Red target my self...I can say just this stay with it... the little flame team can't stand it when you ignore them. Also try this post somthing that they just can't do anthing about like... "Joe Blow I love you" hehe :D

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The_Capt Senior Member

The_Capt

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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by JasonC:

"...open to other suggestions"

Well then you sig is all wrong. It is when you are wounded -and left- on Afghanistan's plains. Talk about missing the point; it means the dear Capt' isn't coming back for your sorry tailbone, nidge-it! And it is when the women come out to cut up -what- remains, not -your- remains you bleeding piker! Then it is -just- roll to your rifle; you left out the "just", the whole point of which is to insinuate this is a normal daily occurance for which every Tommy is always prepared. Naturally the only part you got right is offing yerself, because you think about it all the time even in Pittsburg, and you've never been to Afghanistan's plains, and can only dream of so fine an excuse for ending your miserable existence.

How's that?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Me sig is a paraphrase so I don't have to put a "Kipling" under it, that and the fact I couldn't remember the exact phrase. I don't know Jason, you may be a little to Groggy to stick you neck in this one ;)

But God love you "That's the Spirit".

As to the fear of being a target..gentlemen I am an Institution, I will wrap myself in the Lurker flag..let the heathens try to assail the freedom of my journalistic...er, freedom. They will be dashed upon the ground like so many coffee beans in a Irish Line Dancing Competition.

God rides with the truth and I am that truth incarnate in the humble yet brilliant mind of a poor servant of the Almighty!!

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Michael Emrys Senior Member

Michael Emrys

Posted
Posted

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by The_Capt:

They will be dashed upon the ground like so many coffee beans in a Irish Line Dancing Competition.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Huh? :confused:

Have you been drinking battery acid again, Capt? I fear you may be in grave danger of having your poetic license revoked.

Michael

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Seanachai Senior Member

Seanachai

Posted
Posted

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Panzerman:

Be carefull, Cap they maybe looking for new targets. As a former big Red target my self...I can say just this stay with it... the little flame team can't stand it when you ignore them. Also try this post somthing that they just can't do anthing about like... "Joe Blow I love you" hehe :D<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

In keeping with the tone of this thread, may I just say that only a lazy pillock quotes every line, jot, and tittle of a lengthy post when he replies to it? We know what that Captain fella said, did we need to scroll through it in entirety as a tribute to your lack of editing skills to arrive at your unbelievably minor contribution to this topic?

;) Added for the Once and Future Peng

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