Here's a PENNY NOW GO AWAY... A PANTIELESS PENG CHALLENGE THREAD.?

[David Aitken]

The last I heard of Jonah and chums was when they had their angelic little heads handed to them by the French or some other such noncombatant nation last year.

But what's this? Random time, weather and experience? Computer selected forces? Poles? Hmm, Poles... yeah allright. I would refuse point-blank if I'd got the bloody Yanks and their capitalist mass-produced tin can they call a tank, the Sherman. Panty Liner is currently relieving me of most of my Shermans in my only current game as the US, because their HE apparently adheres to Health & Safety guidelines stipulating that it should not cause harm to the enemy. Who says BTS doesn't model duds? No, I mean the ammo, not the Shermans themselves.

[David Aitken]

Oh great, I get Shermans anyway. Green Poles with Shermans at night. I think I'll just exit the map now and be done with it.

[PawBroon]

Yeah and you should do the same thing in OUR game.

Glad to see there's some sense in you nowadays.

BTW, speaking of heads handing, we trounced those Springboks too last week end.

How's that Winecape?

Huh?

[David Aitken]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>PawBroon wrote:

Yeah and you should do the same thing in OUR game.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I can't remember what I'm doing in our game, it's been so long since I last got a file, let alone since we started.

[Lawyer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

'nuff said.

Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

This alleged Joe Shaw admission has been enshrined in American history at the Smithsonian Institution for the following reasons:

1. Joe's shortest posting ever.

2. This succinct statement captures in its Zen fashion a spiritual realization that Joe's posts are always "nuff said" in both length and substance whenever they end to ease our pain of reading them.

3. This is the statement of a "Joe Shaw" impersonator, since Joe would NEVER make such a statement or a short post. I happen to know that David Aitken likes to play "Joe Shaw dress-up" on the weekends in that special kinky way of the English, so I wonder....

[ 06-23-2001: Message edited by: Lawyer ]

[**YK2**]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lawyer:

I happen to know that David Aitken likes to play "Joe Shaw dress-up" on the weekends in that special kinky way of the English, <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

English!!!! David, are you gonna stand for that?

(Hmmmmm wonder what Aitken looks like in a kilt) then again, if he dresses like Joe Shaw at the weekends, maybe I shouldn't even go there....

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>This alleged Joe Shaw admission has been enshrined in American history at the Smithsonian Institution for the following reasons:<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Isn't it JUST like a Lawyer, and specifically just like THIS Lawyer to take comments out of context AGAIN.

If you are going to quote my posts, kindly quote the RELEVANT portions and not just those portions which you have clipped and pasted to serve your nefarious ends. You are the lowest of the low and the vilest of the vile ... in short you are ... Lawyer.

Joe

[Berlichtingen]

Fellow Knights and perticularly Seanachai!

I put forward that the Squire MrSpkr should be elevated to knighthood for his bold coup on the Outer Board. For those who have not heard, MrSpkr weaseled himself into the Invitational, thus spreading the influence of the Mutha Beautiful Thread

[Panzer Leader]

<big>NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</big>

[ 06-23-2001: Message edited by: Panzer Leader ]

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I put forward that the Squire MrSpkr should be elevated to knighthood for his bold coup on the Outer Board.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Berli, while I applaud the actions of MrSpkr (I suspect that substantial amounts of cash were involved ... which I also applaud), I must cast a vote for tradition and vote "NO" ... it's also more fun to annoy MrSpkr and, of course, your own evil self but it is also true that Lorak has an unbreakable rule that a squire MUST complete FIVE (5) CessPool games before being elevated to the exaulted rank of Knight and therefore, with virtually no regret and possibly the longest single run on sentence in CessPool history I say to you ... Pffffttttttt!.

Joe

[ 06-23-2001: Message edited by: Joe Shaw ]

[David Aitken]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>YK2 wrote:

(Hmmmmm wonder what Aitken looks like in a kilt)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Down Emma!

I've tried explaining to ignorant Yanks such as Lawnmower the difference between Scottish, English and British, but they're far too feeble-minded to understand. This is why they made their part of the continent one big country, and divided it up into country-sized 'states' – so that no matter how far they go, as long as they don't go north, they never have to worry about ending up in a different country. Even if they do go north, and the border patrol doesn't manage to shoot them before they contaminate the land of their unfortunate neighbours, everyone speaks the same language with a similar accent anyway. None of this damned political nonsense, the sooner the entire world is just one big USA, where you're never more than fives minutes' walk from the nearest McDonalds, the better it will be for the only people on the planet who actually matter, ie. Americans. Witness the National Missile Defence shield, designed to keep Bloody Foreigners and their dirty Commie boats and planes the hell away from the USA, even if it means destroying the entire world to achieve it.

So, as I was saying, trying to explain to an American that there are individual countries across the water where real people live, and have done so for a long, long time, is rather a futile exercise. Anyway, the only thing they'd do on acknowledging the existence of other countries is to immediately draw up battle plans for a McDonalds invasion. We'll just leave them to their own illusions.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>So, as I was saying, trying to explain to an American that there are individual countries across the water where real people live,<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> They're FERRINERS for gawd's sake ... real people indeed ... hell, some of them eat haggis!

Joe

[MrSpkr]

***MrSpkr leans back and stretches lazily. He places the quill pen down on the scroll he has nearly finished, stands up and yawns.***

What? What is that? Why Berli, I would be honored if the Pool feels I am worthy.

What? Oh, Joe Pshaw is whining? What about?

Ohh, I see. Obviously, Sir Shaw tripped over his Squire Speedbump's crunchy bits and shield. I left on the floor back in Scene 52. Perhaps when he comes out of his groggy daze, he will remember how to check with Lorak the Scribe to see how many battles I have completed.

What's that? Oh, yes. I see. You are probably right. Perhaps, then, he could get someone to help him read the page. A friend, maybe.

Oh, I see. No friends, huh. That would be a limitation. What's that? Perhaps I should tell him? You think? okay, here goes--

HEY JOE YOU WORTHLESS ILLITERATE CONCEPTION OF A SIT-COM WRITER'S DRUG INDUCED HAZE! YEAH -- I'M TALKING TO YOU!

Ahem.

If you would check Sir Lorak's page, you would see that I have indeed COMPLETED FIVE GAMES (with a respectable record of 2-2-1, not that I really care about that sort of thing).

Now go take your geritol and stop drooling over those pictures of Mr. Young's wives!

***sits down at table, picks up quill, and begins to write again.***

[PawBroon]

Unless there's a Mad Frog who storms McDos from ground up just for the promotion of local food.

Then you get to be heard...

So no need to go to extreme and wear kilts David.

Spare yourself the shame and bomb a JunkDealer.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>If you would check Sir Lorak's page, you would see that I have indeed COMPLETED FIVE GAMES (with a respectable record of 2-2-1, not that I really care about that sort of thing).<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Look you here, you quasi legal person, Berli the Evil suggested that you be made a Knight NOT on the basis of your record (which, I agree, should qualify you ... reprehensible though that notion is) but rather as a result of your sneaking into the CM tourney under false colors (or colours for our FERRIN friends) as NOT being a CessPooler (for which, again, well done). THAT criteria is CLEARLY beyond the Pale and even beyond the tan in my humble but correct opinion. While it is true that I didn't bother to check the records shown on the page of Lorak (what, am I some jshandorf or PeterNZer who actually CARES about such things?), that doesn't change the essential point of the post, which was, essentially ... pointy.

Should you be qualified as a Knight {shudder} then likely Lorak, once roused from his chocolate induced haze, will recognize you as such, until then ... Pfffffttttttt!.

Joe

[dalem]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by David Aitken:

Down Emma!

I've tried explaining to ignorant Yanks such as Lawnmower the difference between Scottish, English and British, but they're far too feeble-minded to understand. This is why they made their part of the continent one big country, and divided it up into country-sized 'states' – so that no matter how far they go, as long as they don't go north, they never have to worry about ending up in a different country. Even if they do go north, and the border patrol doesn't manage to shoot them before they contaminate the land of their unfortunate neighbours, everyone speaks the same language with a similar accent anyway. None of this damned political nonsense, the sooner the entire world is just one big USA, where you're never more than fives minutes' walk from the nearest McDonalds, the better it will be for the only people on the planet who actually matter, ie. Americans. Witness the National Missile Defence shield, designed to keep Bloody Foreigners and their dirty Commie boats and planes the hell away from the USA, even if it means destroying the entire world to achieve it.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Mmmm, this kind of talk makes me feel all tingly.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>

So, as I was saying, trying to explain to an American that there are individual countries across the water where real people live, and have done so for a long, long time, is rather a futile exercise. Anyway, the only thing they'd do on acknowledging the existence of other countries is to immediately draw up battle plans for a McDonalds invasion. We'll just leave them to their own illusions.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Don't feel left out Dame, we'll be coming for you too, as soon as we can find your country on a globe or a map or get it plugged into our onboard GPS systems or whatever.

So what is the difference between the English, the Scottish, and the British? I assume some are more awful than others.

[Lawyer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

MrSpkr weaseled himself into the Invitational, thus spreading the influence of the Mutha Beautiful Thread<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

The happy talk, gleaming teeth, sportsmanship, and hearty good fellowship of that WineCape bunch is enough to make a Real Pooler puke. I guess they needed Spkr Frkr to be the proverbial Turd in the Punchbowl. If so, they've certainly chosen a smelly one. I'm sure they will get what they deserve.

[**YK2**]

Seeing as this particular thread was started by moi, then I would like to use it for ME... that is

EMMA not YK2.. So, hope no-one minds, if so, then SOD OFF i'm gonna use it anyway..To say.......

Sometimes I can be such a moody bitch and over react for no reason other than, that I am me... thankfully you understand me,which in itself says a lot about the kind of guy you are, so I want to say SORRY for this morning, and THANKS for tonight.

*I LOVE YOU* Marcel and I promise to make it up to you real soon. Sleep well lovely.........

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Edited yet again for getting the BOLDING wrong.......

[ 06-23-2001: Message edited by: YK2 ]

[Lawyer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dalem:

So what is the difference between the English, the Scottish, and the British? I assume some are more awful than others.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

The English are greasier, kinkier, and bathe less, but they've beaten the snot out of Scotland forever. I believe Scotland was and still is the primary colony of England. All the intelligent Scots realized this, and left three hundred years ago for America, including a bunch of my ancestors.

"British" is a word the left-behind Scots and other colonials use to fool themselves into thinking they aren't really under English control.

I note that David Aitken is still there. Draw your own conclusions.

[ 06-23-2001: Message edited by: Lawyer ]

[Mace]

I agree that MrSqueaker should be made a Kinigit, he has proven himself to be quite capable at maximum gaminess, not only in the outer board but also in our current game!

I hate and despise him, and such emotions should only be reserved for the likes of a veteran cesspooler.

Lorak, make it so, and while you're at it, please SEND ME MY TURN or SEND ME A SURRENDER!!!

Oh while I shouldn't get involved, I will - Pawbroon, Emma apologised to you, you better accept or I'll be over there with a large yabbi* to slap you about with!

Mace

*do a search

[**YK2**]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw: They're FERRINERS for gawd's sake ... real people indeed ... hell, some of them eat haggis!

Joe <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Joe pardon my IGNORANCE but what's a FERRINER?......

People actually EAT HAGGIS!!!!!

And all this time I've been using the little blighters to keep my grass down. Never considered them EDIBLE

[MrSpkr]

***The Four finally exit the dank tunnel into a meadow filled with flowers and butterflies. The sun shines brightly here, and birds sing happy, hopeful songs. A small figure rests lazily in a hammock strung between two elm trees.***

Speedbump: "What is this place?

MrSpkr: "I call it the Garden of Denial. It is the place to which Seanachai banished Panzerlea, I mean Mouse until his rehabilitation. Unfortunately, his earlier attempts at beatings, patient conversations, and ranting and raving have all met with failure."

YK2: "So he is the surrogate?"

MrSpkr: "Yes. In a way, he embodies all that the Pool is not. He is, truly, more like a little puppy dog, happy to please, yip yapping around whilst you look at the soiled spot on your carpet. No sense of history, mission or purpose. No idea of the heritage of the Muthah Beautiful Thread.

***Mouse begins to stir. Suddenly, he wails loudly - ‘Nooooooooooo!!!'***

Speedbump: "What is going on?"

MrSpkr "He is resisting the dark power of the Majiks we have brought. We must hurry!"

Leeo: "What do we do?"

MrSpkr: "You and Speedbump hold him down! (pulls out his pillowcase containing a new bar of soap) YK2 and I will stun him back to unconsciousness with these!"

Speedbump: "No way! I wanna whack him too!"

MrSpkr: "Okay, YK2, you hold him!

YK2: "Me? Why me? YOU hold him!"

Leeo: "Maybe we could take turns stunning him!"

MrSpkr: "A brilliant idea! We shall all stun him back to unconsciousness!"

***The next twenty minutes are filled with THWACKS!, CRACKS!, WHACKS! and SMACKS. No ZWACKS are heard, however, per prior request. Soon, it is apparent that Mouse has slipped back into unconsciousness. Ten minutes later, the ‘stunning' slows, then stops.***

MrSpkr: Okay -- (reaches into bag and produces several scrolls) - each of you take one of these, and one of these (each person gets two scrolls).

***MrSpkr takes out the bonnet, then ours the dirt from Berli's bag into it. As he does so, the wind begins to pick up, blowing the butterflies away.***

MrSpkr: "This represents the founding of the Pool - the blood of the pod, splattered upon his own husk, and covered in the dirt of the battle."

***MrSpkr pulls out the small crystal vial of a foul liquid and empties it into the husk.***

MrSpkr: "This represents the hideousness of the Mormon Wives — those images fromSir Shaw's deranged fantasies."

***As the drool flows into the husk, the ghostly images of the Mormon Wives appear.

The flowers in the surrounding area begin to wilt — a few at first, then more and more as the blight spreads across the land. Soon, not a bloom is left.

MrSpkr gets another small crystal containing a blackish smoke.***

MrSpkr: "This represents the Chaos of the Law - and in this set of rules and laws, one learns there are no rules and laws."

***MrSpkr pours the smoky, oily haze into the husk. The sun begins to darken, then disappears entirely as the Pool's eternal gloom rushes into the meadow like union money into Democratic campaign coffers. Soon, there is no sunlight to be seen.

MrSpkr pulls a small metal box out of his backpack.***

MrSpkr: "Finally, this represents the Despair of the Pool - destroying the hopes and aspirations of all who enter. You should put your earplugs in now."

***The Four put in their plugs. MrSpkr, holding the back and sides of the box, opens it towards the husk. Immediately, a shrill keening fills the air as putrid green fumes waft into the husk. The husk begins glowing ominously.***

MrSpkr: "Now, we must chant the sacred chants:"

***The Four look at the scrolls before them. Speedbump hums a middle ‘C.'

The group begins singing:

Cess Them All (to the tune of Bless Them All)

By Joe Shaw, as adapted by MrSpkr

Cess them all, cess them all,

To the pool full of cess for them all.

Toss in the Peng lad, and old Seanachai,

Germanboy, Lorak, I guess even me.

The things that we've said, done and scrawled,

Must offend, dismay and appall,

Include Chupacabra, Hakko Ichiu,

Geier, Mark IV and bauhaus you too.

Cess them all, cess them all,

You'd think we'd incited a brawl.

Berlichtingen gets no break from us,

Too bad David Aitken, you just got flushed.

Let the others discuss armor spall,

We'll continue with our caterwaul,

We'll taunt and we'll tease, But we will not appease,

So DON't join us now, Cess them all.

Cess them all, cess them all,

Our strong point's just not protocol.

We've been cursed at by Makhno, and Minne's own Joe,

And Fred suggests that we're not apropos.

We've been exiled to this urinal.

We're the only ones that we enthrall.

But we ain't been banned, so it's off to a grand,

And come on me lads, Cess them all.

***The skies begin to shriek — an unearthly howling fills the air. The birds drop dead in mid flight.

MrSpkr takes the demonic mixture and begins pouring it over Mouse's head.***

YK2: "Tell me again why we are doing this? And why we have to sing Joe's dreadful lyrics?"

MrSpkr: "Don't blame the lyrics on me — they are part of the ancient majiks - from before even your Frenchman's appearance here. Speaking of which, you should be nicer."

YK2: "Mind yer own business you yankee scumbag!"

Speedbump: "It must be working!"

Leeo: "Yes— I can feel the hate already!"

***MrSpkr finishes emptying the husk onto Mouse's head. The husk itself glows breifly, then falls inert. MrSpkr puts it back in his bag. Around him, the winds have grown to near hurricane force. Thunder and rain pour down across the land.***

MrSpkr: "Now for the final enchantment. Quickly - the ancient words — This should exile his spirit of niceness forever! These are the ancient words of banishment, first uttered at the banishment and imprisonment of mahkno!"

***The Four begin chanting:***

"The bells of hell go ting-a-ling-a-ling

For thee but not for me

Oh Death, where is thy sting-a-ling-a-ling? Or grave thy victory?

If you meet the undertaker,

Or the young man from the Pru,

Get a pint from what's left over,

Now I'll say goodbye to you."

***As the Four look on, Mouse's horrendously long sig line disappears! Then, to their amazement, his body begins collapsing in on itself until finally, incredibly, it vanishes with a *pop*!

The storm subsides. Wuite, inky gloom hangs over the remains of the meadow.***

Speedbump: "Where did he go?"

Leeo: "Look — over there!"

***Leeo points to a small white mouse.***

MrSpkr: "The transformation is complete! He is now merely a Mouse - and insignificant being whose squeaking can be safely ignored by all!"

YK2: "Doesn't everyone ignore him already?"

Speedbump: "Yeah. What about that?"

MrSpkr: "Yes, but now its, umm, semi-official super secret double probation ignoring!"

***The others roll their eyes.***

MrSpkr: "Plus, you did get to whack him!"

***The others perk up.***

Speedbump: "Yes, there is that, isn't there.

YK2: "I think I'll go, um, apologize to Pawbroon."

***YK2 turns to go. As she walks past him, Leeo sniggers. YK2 backhands him without missing a step. As she walks off, Leeo stands back up, and ignoring the laughter from Speedbump and MrSpkr, walks off muttering to himself.***

Leeo: "And I STILL didn't get a girl . . ."

Speedbump: "Do you think all that will work?"

MrSpkr: "Well, it did remind all of the ancient traditions of the pool, and should work to preserve some of the ancient bile and venom. I think it may just be a success. In any event, it might serve to remind Mouse what the Pool is for.

By the way, I haven't finished greasing the treads of my tanks with your pixelated tank crew's guts yet. Shall we finish up tonight?"

Speedbump: "You're on. First, though, I gotta get back to Joe Shaw and read something or other to him."

***Speedbump walks off.***

MrSpkr: "Well, I hope that all works. (stretches). I wonder what's for supper."

(walks off)

***Cut to Berli's lair. Berli peers down into a foggy crystal, watching as MrSpkr walks off.***

Berli: "There may be promise yet for that lad. Still, if he only knew . . ."

***Evil laughter fills the air. Sulphurous ochre smoke fills the air until the scene fades to black.***

finis???

[ 06-23-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]

[**YK2**]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

What? What is that? Why Berli, I would be honored if the Pool feels I am worthy.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

For what it's worth, I say make the guy a Kniggghty, Ok, so I don't play, but surely the fact that I sit here every bloody night reading all these posts counts for something?

BTW..... Mouse is very quiet, Maybe the Majiks worked...... Holds breath.

[ 06-23-2001: Message edited by: YK2 ]

[Speedbump]

Well, I must say, my character development was brilliant! I would say that between my striking good looks and my screen presence, I am a shoo-in for the lead in the inevitable spin-off!

By the way, Lawyer can you confirm when the contract calls for syndication rights?

Speedbump

[Phillies Phan]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

Fellow Knights and perticularly Seanachai!

I put forward that the Squire MrSpkr should be elevated to knighthood for his bold coup on the Outer Board. For those who have not heard, MrSpkr weaseled himself into the Invitational, thus spreading the influence of the Mutha Beautiful Thread<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I agree. Mister Sprinkler should be a knight and Pamper Leaker should be kicked, punched, and bludgeoned repeatedly.

We all know that Mister Sprinkler isn't fun to look at and that he smells funny. Funny like goat ****. We also know that he is famous for unzipping and dancing the macarana whenever the theme to the A-Team is played.

***********

Sir Lorak Please scribe thusly: On this the 2049th Day of Peng, we descend the following personage to knighthood of the Cesspool. His duties will include scraping the mildew off of the various and sundry port-a-potties of the outerboard. He will be responsible for supervising the lashings and bludgeoning of newbies (SSN's) and is expected to take much pleasure from the same.

Of course, this is my Oh-so-humble recommendation to you, as as the most insignificant Knight of the Greatest and most Mighty Cesspool known to humankind. Long live Peng and his faithful minions. Go Phillies!!

[ 06-23-2001: Message edited by: Phillies Phan ]