mensch Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 here's another post on army jokes, and I find it's a nice change from complaining about 30º deflection at bla.. oh well here's a funny one I found. Marine vs. Navy Joke A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Marine First Sergeant are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Recon," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars." "Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade." "As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire." "Finally, as a staff sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In a fire fight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!" Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, "Yeah, it figures...all shore duty." --------- www.derkessel.com Home of „Die Sturmgruppe“; Scenario Design Group for Combat Mission. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
British Bulldog Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 Popular British joke from WWII: The Germans fire, the British duck. The British fire, the Germans duck The Americans fire, EVERYONE ducks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firefly Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 Old joke from Billy Connelly that some of you may not have heard: During WW1 a Highland battalion are waiting to go over the top. Finally the order comes 'Right lads get intae them'. The troops rise from the trenches with the bagpipes playing Scotland the Brave. The German artillery opens up wiping out half the battalion before they are barely out of their trenches, but the survivors continue doggedly on with the pipes still defiantly playing Scotland the Brave. As they approach the German positions machine guns and small arms open up causing further slaughter until at last only one Highlander and one surviving piper are still on their feet, the piper still playing Scotland the Brave. The Jock turns to the piper and says 'For God's man! Can ye no play something they like'. [This message has been edited by Firefly (edited 02-16-2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Dorosh Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 A soldier in green and a soldier in blue step up to the urinals in the men's room at about the same time. The man in green finishes his business, secures his equipment, and turns to leave. On his way out the door, the man in blue turns and says over his shoulder "In the Air Force, they teach us to wash our hands after using the latrine." The man in green says, as the door slams shut behind him, "In the the Army, they teach us not to piss on our hands." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Rex_Bellator Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 BTW, anyone know any good Michael Jackson jokes? ------------------ "You wanna be starting something?" - Michael Jackson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hawkmek Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 At the risk of being offensive to some. What do Wal-Mart and Michael Jackson have in common? They both have little boys' pants half off. They're just jokes people, they won't hurt anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AbramsOnPoint Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a Pan American 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing: Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway." Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!" The big 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing. But I didn't stop then." ------------------ "Gentleman!, there will be no fighting in here, this is the War Room!". From Dr. Strangelove Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevetherat Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 Speedbird is British Airways callsign. Otherwise, good joke! StR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueFalcon Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 What two things fall from the sky? Bird dung and Paratroopers. Joke my dad told me when he found out I was going airborne. Damn leg!!! ------------------ Stay Alert!! Stay Alive!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AbramsOnPoint Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 Your right Steve, Pan Am was Clipper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
109 Gustav Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 Here's one about the invasion of Attu, an inhospitable Alaskan island where the rain sometimes falls up: On viewing Attu's rocky shores While planning how to take it This thought strikes me more and more: The {Japanese} should first forsake it. Since Attu ain't worth a hoot For raising crops and cattle Let's load with booze and take a cruise And just call off the battle. The soldier who wrote it got no praise from his superiors. ------------------ Well my skiff's a twenty dollar boat, And I hope to God she stays afloat. But if somehow my skiff goes down, I'll freeze to death before I drown. And pray my body will be found, Alaska salmon fishing, boys, Alaska salmon fishing. -Commercial fishing in Kodiak, Alaska Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
busboy Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 Ok, I got some, but don't poopoo me for mashing a dead horse, SOMEONE out there hasn't heard 'em. And excuse my piss-poor spelling and typos. Joke 1. After the start of WWI, things quickly degenerated to trench warfare, with both sides taking tremendous losses with no gain in territory or atvantage. The French immediately began looking for creative ways to break the deadlock. One idea they had was training marksmen to kill Germans even if they stuck their head into view from the trench for just an instant. The trick was, how to get the Germans to come into view. A simple solution was developed. Some pimply faced corpral noted that a common German name is Hans. It was supposed that if a French sniper called out for Hans across the trenches, SOMEONE was bound to instinctively look to see who called for him. So the French snipers went to war with a scoped rifle and a name. One month later the German ranks were near breaking. The population of "Hanses" in the German army had dropped greatly, and all Germans were afraid to even go near the front. Ear plugs were issued, but soldiers never kept them in long enough. The Germans needed to divise a countermeasure. It was at this critical moment that Germany's best sniper announced that he would beat the French at their own game. "Pierre is a common French name, so lets see how THEY like it!" The German high command had their doubts, so they decided to try it on a limited scale. The elite sniper personally volunteered to take the field. The next week, German moral was sky high as news that their hero was about to turn the tide. And so, the German sniper crept out of his trench one night to a hiding place he had selected. He waited until dawn, perfectly camoflauged, waiting for the moment to strike. A quiet moment fell across the trenches, and the German knew the time had come. He brought up his rifle, ready to fire and then gently called out... "Pierre? Oh Pierre? Are you over there Pierre?" And the reply from the French trench line? "Is that you Hans?" Joke 2. During the Phony War before the blitzkrieg through France, Jock, the French fighter ace was taking a break from aerial combat. So, he took his girlfriend Marrie out for a picnic by a small stream. After the meal, the two began to express their emotions in a physical manner. After an extended embrace, Marrie looked deep into Jock's eyes and said "Oh Jock kiss me!" Jock then proceeded to take a bottle of red wine from the picnic basket and pour it onto Marrie's mouth. "Jock, what are you doing?" asked a confised Marrie. "I am Jock, the French figher ace!" said Jock, "When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" Ammused, Marrie consented and they continued with their passions. After a while, things began to "heat up" further. Marrie broke their contact and whispered to Jock "Oh Jock, kiss me lower..." After tearing off Marrie's blouse as desired, Jock then proceeds to begin soaking her chest with a bottle of white wine from their meal. Confused, Marrie asks "Jock, what are you doing?" "I am Jock, the French fighter ace, when I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" Marrie laughes, and they continue. After a short while, things really begin to heat up. Marrie stares at Jock with a look hot enough to melt lead and whispers "Oh Jock, kiss me LOWER." Jock proceeds to tear off Marrie's skirt, douse her with cognac, strike a match, and set her alight. This leaves Marrie highly upset. With a scream, Marrie charges into the nearby river and dives in to douse the flames. After comming up, she wades ashore and screams "Jock, WHAT THE HELL do you think you are doing?!?" With a smooth motion Jock stands up, snaps to attention and responds "I am Jock, the French figher ace! When I go down, I go down in flames!" ------------------ busboy CO, 99th Dragons A Warbirds Squadron 'We will heat you up' "It is well that war is so terrible, else we would grow too fond of it." -Robert E. Lee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pak40 Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 Originally posted by British Bulldog: Popular British joke from WWII: The Germans fire, the British duck. The British fire, the Germans duck The Americans fire, EVERYONE ducks! British drink tea, everyone fires at the British Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MantaRay Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 LOL, nice jokes here. ------------------ When asked, "How many moves do you see ahead?", CAPABLANCA replied: "One move - the best one." Click now for shelter from the Peng thread The Red Army of the Rugged Defense Group Ladder The Red Army Mirror Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wesreidau Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 Busboy, I was just thinking..is that where the saying "Hans up!" comes from ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mortarforker Posted February 23, 2001 Share Posted February 23, 2001 Heard this one from a Navy Chief in Haifa's infamous B-52 club. "How are marines like Bananna's ? They start out green, turn yellow and fall in bunches on the beach" Semper Fi leathernuts! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JAZZA Posted February 24, 2001 Share Posted February 24, 2001 Found this on another forum: This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wildman Posted February 24, 2001 Share Posted February 24, 2001 Here is that entire email with the controllers joke.> > > > > > << Who says pilots and controllers have no sense of humor? The > following > > are > > > accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and ATC facilities > > from > > > around the world: > > > > > > > > The controller who was working a busy pattern told the B727 on > > downwind > > > to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing > > > between aircraft). > > > > > > > > The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two > thousand > > > dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? > > > > > > > > Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four > > > thousand dollars worth!" > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > > > > > > A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his > > approach > > > speed just a little too high. > > > > > > > > San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. > > If > > > not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right > at > > > the light to return to the airport. > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > > > > > > It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was > > being > > > vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. > > > > > > > > KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one > > > o'clock and three miles." Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll > > follow > > > him." > > > > > > > > KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven > > > o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?" > > > > > > > > Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): > > > "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a > Malibu > > or > > > a Chevelle, though." > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > > > > > > Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on > 124.7." > > > > > > > > Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the > > way, > > > after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of > > the > > > runway." > > > > > > > > Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on > > 124.7; > > > did you copy the report from Eastern?" > > > > > > > > Continental 635: "Continental 635, Roger, cleared for takeoff; and > > yes, > > > we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > > > > > > O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a > Fokker, > > > one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound." > > > > > > > > United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got > that > > > Fokker in sight." > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > > This one is hilarious!!! > > > > > > > > The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered > > > lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but > how > > > to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some > > > amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange > > between > > > Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign > "Speedbird > > > 206") after landing: > > > > > > > > Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of > > > the active runway." > > > > > > > > Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!" > > > > > > > > The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed > > to > > > a stop. > > > > > > > > Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?" > > > > > > > > Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate > > > location now." > > > > > > > > Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you > never > > > flown to Frankfurt before?!?" > > > > > > > > Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of > > Boeing. > > > I didn't stop." > > > > > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > > > > > > I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in > > > Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the > > > > junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard: (I don't > > > recall the call signs any longer) > > > > > > > > Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" > > > > > > > > Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English." > > > > > > > > Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in > > > Germany. Why must I speak English?"> > > > > > > > > Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you > > lost > > > the bloody war!" > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > > > > > > During taxi, the crew of a US Air departing LaGuardia (LGA) to Ft. > > > Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. > > > > > > > > The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew > > > screaming, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right > on > > > "Charlie" taxi way; you turned right on "Delta". Stop right there. I > know > > > it's difficult to tell the difference between > > > > C's and D's but get it right". > > > > > > > > Continuing her tongue lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now > > > shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take > > > forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I > > tell > > > you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half > hour > > > and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how > I > > > tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??" > > > > > > > > The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am". > > > > > > > > Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after > > the > > > verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate > > > ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every > cockpit > > at > > > LGA was running high. > > > > > > > > Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. > Air > > > crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I > > married > > > to you once?" >> > > > Enjoy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasoncawley@ameritech.net Posted February 24, 2001 Share Posted February 24, 2001 There are many variants on the sniper-in-trenches joke. Here is one from the actual era. Marines on Guadalcanal are near a known Japanese position. Both sides have been sniping at each other on and off, but whenever one side gets up, the other ducks, and vice versa, so nothing has happened. So two marines hit on a plan. One will sight in on the enemy foxhole, and then the other will holler some insult. When the Japanese soldier gets up to reply, the sniper will get him. They are all set. The shouter calls out - "Hirohito eats ****!" The Japanese soldier gets up and shouts - "Eleanor Roosevelt eats ****!" Nothing happens. The marine with the rifle gets back down. The shouter looks at him puzzled. "What happened? Couldn't you see him?" "Oh I saw him alright. But I couldn't shoot a fellow Republican." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DevilDog Posted February 26, 2001 Share Posted February 26, 2001 Those airline jokes reminded me of this one: A tour guide was leading a group through an old brittish air museum. When he got to the display for the Battle of Brittain he stopped. "It has come to my attention that we are honored to have in our midst one of those gallant pilots who defended our isle from those early waves of Jerry bombers! Would you be so kind, sir, as to regale us with a tale or two?" The old Scot was hesitant at first, but stepping from the middle of the tourists quickly warmed to the subject. After describing the hectic scrambles that precipitated air combat he got to the meat of his tale. "When we got altitude we were really in it thick - there were Fokkers to right and left, there were Fokkers above and behind us! We were surrounded by Fokkers!.." At this the guide interupted, aware of possible sensitivities among the tourists, to explain: "Fokker is the kind of plane the Jerries were flying." Startled, the old Jock stared at the young man before exclaiming, "Them fokkers was flying Messerschmitts!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juju Posted February 26, 2001 Share Posted February 26, 2001 I got this funny joke the Dutch used to tell about Seyss-Inquart. Unfortunately it doesn't translate to English at all! Ah well... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest *Captain Foobar* Posted February 26, 2001 Share Posted February 26, 2001 Thanks for telling us about it Juju, that was great...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wisbech_lad Posted February 26, 2001 Share Posted February 26, 2001 NATO exchange officers, especially between UK and Germany, are source of many anecdotes. In a RAF mess, sometime in the eighties. "So, what does you father do, Hans?" "Oh, he died in a concentration camp in 1944" Silence for a while. "Was he involved in the plot against Hitler?" "Oh no, he fell from a watchtower". +++++++++++ There is the old recruiting slogan "Join the Army, feel a man. Join the Navy, feel lots of men" +++++++++++ WW1 joke. British battalion has been very badly mauled, and is being releived by Aussies. Fighting is heavy in the sector. The ranking British survving officer clasps his counterpart, and exclaims dramatically "My friends, did you come here to die?" Aussie looks at him strangely "No mate, we got here yesterday" ++++++++++++++++ Winner of "Most shocking headline" competition in the 1920's "Archduke Ferdinand found alive. WW1 a mistake" ++++++++++++++++ There are any jokes about Seyss-Inquart? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forever Babra Posted February 26, 2001 Share Posted February 26, 2001 ------------------ Stereotypes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kanonier Reichmann Posted February 26, 2001 Share Posted February 26, 2001 Originally posted by Juju: I got this funny joke the Dutch used to tell about Seyss-Inquart. Unfortunately it doesn't translate to English at all! Ah well... Who the hell is Seyss-Inquart? I've heard of Urquhart-Jones (however you spell it) from the Arnhem operation but not this pelican. Regards Jim R. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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