Bugger Peng Let's Have A Real Challenge Then!

[imported_Hiram Sedai]

I detest working Saturday almost as much as I do working Monday. My things to do have things to do. Busy busy busy

I think its funny how Slope Dragoon has to be a squire after all. He resisted the force of the pool for quite some time and then he realized his calling. The sad thing is that I aspired to be a squire and was then mistakenly demoted to knighthood by a whim of the pointy eared one who shall remain brainless. One year later, I cannot stop my Cesspool habit. Its like an intellectual crack pipe. This is my sad story.

I was raised a poor black child in Mississipi and was fed cornbread and lima beans until the age of 14.

[Lawyer]

One more reminder that Washington area CM players had a great time on Friday night. And the rest of you didn't...

Marlow was there. I must say he has a benign look of normalcy that I'm sure is extremely useful in hiding the evil inside him. Apparently, this "I'm a dependable lawyer" look was good enough to fool some Swedes into giving him a blank check to set up a fun house in Virginia. No wonder the quality and panache of Volvo's is going down the tubes.

I must also note that the stinking pile of rat dung known here as Agua Perdido failed to appear. Perhaps he is not real, or maybe the leper colony was having its own shindig. To which, we lift a cheek and send Mr. DirtyDouche a Hearty Farty...

ppthhthuppb-kaboom!

[Slapdragon]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lawyer:

blowhard ranting about boring event in DC no one in there right mind would attend..[/i[.

as Agua Perdido failed to appear. Perhaps he is not real,

ppthhthuppb-kaboom!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Evidence in my possession says that Perdido is actually the famed Gunny Bunny in his depressive phase.

Back to blather. I was reading the ramblings of Hiram Pusbucket in all of its glory when I realized that I have no Knight. I think it is only fair that lacking a sponsoring knight brave enough to take me on as a squire, I be promoted with enabling legalese drafted by the seemingly endless supply of skanky lawyers which inhabit the cesspool. Now, I have worked with maybe a hundred assistant US attornies by now in my real life , and they make your run of the mill ambulance chaser like Lawyer seem downright professional (heck, the only thing worse is a bunch of gamey law students who live on Jolt Cola and ding dongs while trying to get some off of freshman undergraduates they meet in coffee bars, knowing the only screwing they will get when they graduate is what they do to their clients). Anyway, I degress from my point of shaming someone into offering his or her or its services as a knight, seeing as how I have accepted Squire status. Whi is the lucky windbag going to be? Or are you scared of having a squire who is not a cherry newbie?

Speaking of Cherry newbies, I did indeed find a short and not very well written little tidbit from a Mister Dead-in-the-Head or something like that, and I must admit it was so feeble as to not have been read by me. Turn up the volume newbie and someone will finally challenge you, but right now I can't figure out who you are and why I should play you, seeing as you are so meek and mild. I mean really, when I want easy meat, I just ask Abbott or Fanghorn for a game, two worthies I have not seen ghosting through the Cess recently. And for a really easy game, I go for a quick bout with Griffin Cheng+, another whose dissapeerence from the outer board is disturbing, seeing as he may have moved to outer Mongolia and be herding Yaks now. But there is no point playing a cipher! Heck, I do not even feel insulted by your existance on this planet the way I do with Marlow, or at least worried like Germanboy or Sean.

In other words. Piss off.

Now, I must get back to keeping the Australian contingent from successfully claiming that fine (or at least when I was there I got a traffic fine) country is actually at the top of the world, despite evidence from a globe positioned strategically in my office to block my work calender and the Attorney General's picture.

[Lars]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CMplayer:

Lars for every week you delay sending a turn the agony of your HJ (armed with globulous zits) is only prolonged. Now if you would just be so kind as to either:

1) fight back, or

2) hit ctrl-U and send,

we can get this over with and continue with our lives. Oh and don't shoot at the paras. They're actually a Red Cross mercy shipment of full scale Marlene Dietrich Dolls (with authentically modelled naughty bits) and 200 crates of deluxe xtra soft kleenex. You were complaining by email about how hard it was to find good facial tissue these days, and my heart goes out to ya man.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Dang it, I was waiting on you. It said sent, but I'll send it again.

You may now go back to your smelly fish.

[BFCElvis]

MrsSpkr, check out the PBEM helper thread.

I will not go on about numbering files again today (that doesn't mean I won't sometime soon) but one of the reasons most people give me for numbering files is to keep track of whose turn it is. So it boggles my pea brain that someone uses a PBEM helper that requires you to number turns.....Maybe it's just me that thinks the world has gone to hell in hand basket..but I don't think so.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Back to blather. I was reading the ramblings of Hiram Pusbucket in all of its glory when I realized that I have no Knight. I think it is only fair that lacking a sponsoring knight brave enough to take me on as a squire, I be promoted with enabling legalese drafted by the seemingly endless

supply of skanky lawyers which inhabit the cesspool.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> GAWD! How Hard Is This To Understand? SlopDraggin' ... PAY ATTENTION NOW! YOU ARE AN SSN, YOU ARE NOT A SQUIRE UNTIL YOU ARE FIRST A SERF. You are not a serf until Lorak declares it to be so. It's not OUR fault that Lorka is involved in real life and is too busy to update his site.

{pause to wipe spittle from screen so I can read what I type}

Yes, yes, I know that Hiram's Ghost said you were a Squire ... it's not OUR fault that YOU ALONE choose to believe what Hiram's Ghost has posted. Now follow along again and perhaps if you move your mouth as you read it will sink in ... YOU ARE AN SSN ... deal with it.

Joe

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Elvis:

I will not go on about numbering files again today (that doesn't mean I won't sometime soon) but one of the reasons most people give me for numbering files is to keep track of whose turn it is. So it boggles my pea brain that someone uses a PBEM helper that requires you to number turns.....Maybe it's just me that thinks the world has gone to hell in hand basket..but I don't think so.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Maybe you should learn to count above twenty without dropping your pants.

[Foobar]

Roborat and I just finished a squire challenge called "welcome to hell." It was created by Berlichtengensenden.

We started it last September. It only took a year to play.

I have little else to say. It has robbed me of all that is precious to me.

I hate you all. Long live the mutha beautiful.

[Slapdragon]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

GAWD! How Hard Is This To Understand? SlopDraggin' ... PAY ATTENTION NOW! YOU ARE AN SSN, YOU ARE NOT A SQUIRE UNTIL YOU ARE FIRST A SERF. You are not a serf until Lorak declares it to be so. It's not OUR fault that Lorka is involved in real life and is too busy to update his site.

{pause to wipe spittle from screen so I can read what I type}

Yes, yes, I know that Hiram's Ghost said you were a Squire ... it's not OUR fault that YOU ALONE choose to believe what Hiram's Ghost has posted. Now follow along again and perhaps if you move your mouth as you read it will sink in ... YOU ARE AN SSN ... deal with it.

Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Says Squire on my name plate in masking tape above the "self proclaimed knight" title. Besides, it make you so riled that you wet yourself, so not only am I Ronin (masterless) squire, but I will soon be a knight by right of superior moral position. It is like stopping a flood with an empty sand bag, or in your case, passing a 4th grade geography quiz, futile to stop me.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Besides, it make you so riled that you wet yourself, so not only am I Ronin (masterless) squire, but I will soon be a knight by right of superior moral position. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Golly there SlopDraggin' it's not a really good idea to flaunt tradition here in the CessPool, especially not if you're just a Scum Sucking Newbie who has yet to be proclaimed as SERF let alone SQUIRE.

Nope, it might not be a good idea to be making proclamations about "superior moral positions" when the best position you can HOPE to attain anytime in the near future is one in which your primary duty will be hauling the piss buckets of your betters.

In fact, since ONE of those betters will be required to propose you for SERF and then that or another will be required to take you to SQUIRE ... it might be a REALLY bad idea to annoy ANY of us.

You're starting off on the wrong foot, lad, might try starting off on bended knee instead.

Joe

[ 09-29-2001: Message edited by: Joe Shaw ]

[Lawyer]

Anyone else here notice that this SlappyDraggy Dude lists his interests as:

Television Producer / College Professor / Reserve Deputy Sheriff

He combines the very worst of the pretentious, the arrogant, the tedious, the banal, the venal, the tit-sucking, and the stupid in modern America. All wrapped up into one loquacious and bellicose GIT. He makes Leeo seem intellectual by comparison.

SSN is really too kind for him. Does the MBT have a smaller size title he can wear?

[MrSpkr]

Ahhhh. Did anyone else's National Champion football team win today?

No?

More's the pity.

[Hakko Ichiu]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Slapdragon:

Now, I must get back to keeping the Australian contingent from successfully claiming that fine (or at least when I was there I got a traffic fine) country is actually at the top of the world, despite evidence from a globe positioned strategically in my office to block my work calender and the Attorney General's picture.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

So, Spanklizard's picture of John Ashcroft in a sheep suit is so distracting that he has to use an image of Australia as a stand-in for a cold shower. I don't think he's really married to a Brazilian, or he wouldn't need such poor things over which to sublimate (or is it project?). Welcome to the 'Pool, Spank, I've always thought you belonged here, preferably downwind of me. Then again, I've always maintained that Lewis belonged here too; maybe I'm not that great a judge of character. Not as though you have any character to judge, of course.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>From the communications orifice of Hiram:

I was raised a poor black child in Mississipi and was fed cornbread and lima beans until the age of 14.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

The childhood malnutrition explains a lot about your mental capabilities.

In other news, my birthday is coming up soon, so I think I shall write a new installment of Grog-Porn™, if I can tear the gang at Leather Tiger Press away from the office hookah long enough for them to publish it. Coming soon to a top shelf near you...

Who knows, maybe it will even drag Geier back to the pool. Of course, it might help if I sent him a turn.

[Slapdragon]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

Ahhhh. Did anyone else's National Champion football team win today?

No?

More's the pity.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

What, Okie State? Nice football team. To bad no one at the school can read. But it is a nice school to visit if you like easy women (after all, with only okies to choose from, anyone from out of state looks good -- even Lawyer). Now UT and South Carolina, there are some good teams. Who needs the Sooners when you can watch the SEC?

Lawyer, in your list you failed to mention that I am a Federal Employee and thus even lower than your pitiful attemp at belittlement suggested. Still, as a Ronin Squire, the only way to shut me up is to promote me. I learned that working for the Federal Government.

[Lawyer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Slapdragon:

Lawyer, in your list you failed to mention that I am a Federal Employee and thus even lower than your pitiful attemp at belittlement suggested. Still, as a Ronin Squire, the only way to shut me up is to promote me. I learned that working for the Federal Government.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

My Gawd, you're more dangerous than I thought.

[Geier]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hakko Ichiu:

Who knows, maybe it will even drag Geier back to the pool. Of course, it might help if I sent him a turn.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I am so damn clever I can't even figure out what pillocks the rest of you are. That's pretty durn clever f'you ask me.

I have also decided to start smoking again. It is obvious that the whole anti-smoking campaign was financed by the KGB and that I by smoking will help our po' friends in tobacco-producing countries. On to more pressing matters:

I have just finished reading Neil Gaimans latest novel, American Gods and I am alarmed. Not only is this his latest creation simply not up to par with what I expect from The Man, there are even graver news written on the sleeve jacket or, as the case may be, in one of those "Hey look a blank page, let's print something on it" pages before the story starts. This all goes to show that you can do Really Nasty Things with commas, just read the previous sentence if you don't believe me.

Anyway, Mr Gaiman has lost his mind and moved to Mini Soda. What the hell is a man to think? The fact that this 700 page novel would have worked better, a lot better actually, as a 100-150 paged novellette (hey, greatest piece of English lit ever, is what, 130 pages? Ask Marlow, he should know), the man has also moved to Mini Soda where he indubitably has come under the influence of The Bard.

What, indeed, is a man to do? What any other reasonable and brilliant man would do of course.

Start smoking.

[Leeo]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Elvis:

I will not go on about numbering files again today .<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

As much as I hate Elvis, those who require the numbering of turns are true and forthright Pillocks-'O-Shame, not to mention true idiots (a state to which The Consigliore (Eeww, how I despise giving that piece or city Rat-Dung a title) can only hope to aspire). I've played Elvis with is non-numbering ways several times (with the last few going to me (and I don't think they were stricken in Lorak's page of shame very well (not that it matters) (and have you noticed how I've wandered into this maze of sub-references and parenthetical allusions?))) and I find it as easy or easier than the numbering required by nearly all who delve into the black magic of Combat Mission. Now, far be it from me to assign a shred of intelligence to that wanker Elvis (Whom I hate), but it must be said that he has a point (other than the one on the top of his head). Now where the bugger was I? Oh, never mind. <big>Lawyer is a complete pillock</big>. Yep, that was the original thrust, as far as my Malt Liquor addled brain can reconstruct, of this psuedo-long, and hopefully annoying, post.

P.S. Did I say what a total waste of carbon Lawyer is?

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by *Captain Foobar*:

Roborat and I just finished a squire challenge called "welcome to hell." It was created by Berlichtengensenden.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I can't take credit... I only made the map

You failed to stae who one. As I recall, that was a Squire Challenge, and as such the winner is entitled to Knighthood

[Leeo]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

Maybe you should learn to count above twenty without dropping your pants.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Speaking of <big>COMPLETE PILLOCKS,

Give it up for MrSpkr!

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I can't take credit... I only made the map You failed to stae who one. As I recall, that was a Squire Challenge, and as such the winner is entitled to Knighthood<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Ummm, normally you would be correct Berli but in this case I believe that the Statute of Limitations would come into effect and render the Knighthood null and void ... much like the squires now that I think of it.

Joe

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Ummm, normally you would be correct Berli but in this case I believe that the Statute of Limitations would come into effect and render the Knighthood null and void ... much like the squires now that I think of it.

Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

There is no Statute of Limitations here, boy-o

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>There is no Statute of Limitations here, boy-o<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Well I say there is boy-o, and here's why ... The SQUIRE'S CHALLENGE was the very first attempt by us to determine how a Squire would become a Knight, and this was the very first AND ONLY Squire's Challenge. Since that date the policy has been firmly established and the Squire's Challenge has become nothing but a quaint footnote in the Tome of Lorak. Therefore, the TRADITION of the CessPool is firmly placed in the current system and the Squire's Challenge has become meaningless.

I am, however, not completely against fufilling our vow to the original particpants with the proviso that this Squire's Challenge is THE LAST and will not be repeated.

Mind you the very thought of a CessPool Knight by the name of {shudder} Capt. Foobar, is one that should shrivel the brains of all right thinking CessPoolers and the alternative is even worse. It's a sad day for the CessPool, Berli ... I blame you.

Joe

[Stuka]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

I believe that the Statute of Limitations would come into effect and render the Knighthood null and void

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Quite right, lets make them do another one.

And this time lads, put some effort in!

Bloody attririonist newbies.

[Seanachai]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

I can't take credit... I only made the map

You failed to stae who one. As I recall, that was a Squire Challenge, and as such the winner is entitled to Knighthood<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I bought the units. I very carefully named every vehicle commander after a member of the Peng Challenge Thread. After seeing the map, I figured the handful of infantry I bought either side was doomed to die nameless in any case.

This Squire challenge match has gone on longer than any other single freaking game on the Peng Challenge Thread, bar none. It is a tribute to both the grit, integrity, and utter stupidity of Roborat and Capt. Foobar that they played it out the very end.

I, too, would like to know who won, but I don't think it matters. I say they are both heroes, although admittedly mentally disadvantaged heroes, for seeing the horrifying piece of ****e through.

I remember receiving the map from Berli, opening it up to place units, and laughing my bloody arse off. What a nightmare.

Let it be noted that Roborat and Capt. Foobar are the original, dyed in the wool, first ever poor bastards to be handed a Cesspool joke scenario.

They complained bitterly. They cursed their gods, and longed for death. But they never, ever, proposed abandoning the game (which has gone on longer than most jobs I've had).

Gentlemen, this is the Peng Challenge Thread's proudest moment. Two of our own have persevered in the face of hardship, abuse, and the laughter of everyone around them. They have neither waffled, nor have they minced. No, they rolled up their pants-legs and waded right into the puddle the rest of the gang assured them 'wasn't really all that deep'

All hail Roborat and Capt. Foobar!

[MrPeng]

Gentleworms:

It is a dark day for the Army of Peng. Alas, alack and woe are the watchwords, and there isn't a dry seat in the house. It is my sad duty to report the results of Our battle with the Foul and Fetid Slime-Mold Known as Lawyer {heareafter known as F&FS-MKaL}.

This was a pre-made deal, by some schmuck who "authored" an abomination known as "Maastricht, Tough Tanker" or some such false and mis-leading name as that. This abortion that failed was so unbalanced, so unmitigatedly unfair, so like something that a lawyer would try to fob off as a "good deal" that I am filled with an urge to retch, my gorge rises and I break out in a clammy, feverish glow of perspiration when I think of it.

Horsewipping is far to benevolent a way to treat the abject swine who concocted this miserey and foisted on an unsespecting CM anarcho-syndaclist commune as a "Lively jaunt in the lowcountries with a few tanks here and there - should be a gas for all involved." It is nothing like that. No, it is the son of a motherless whore of a scenario, and yet F&FS-MKaL and the AofP played out each and every miserable stinking turn like the dutiful citizens of the MBT that we are. We saw this bastard to the end, even though it was clear from it's inception that there could be no other outcome than the one that it is my unpleasant duty to report to you all now. By gawd the unfairess of it, the sheer weight of scandalous shame and humiliation for the loser of this dogpile is almost too much for me to bear.

It would truly be a pleasure to rip off the head of the pathetic mook who spawned this foul offspring from the womb of our mother CM. Ritual shaving of the scrotal area and a sharp stick in the eye seem like child's play compared to the holy hell it was to reach the end of this monstrosity. The winner simply hitting GO and the loser fruitlessly plotting and sweating and imploring the CM Goddesses to "please oh please oh please just let me get a single unit off the edge of this map so that some day, in the far away future, I can remove this mask of shame."

It was not to be. A lone Greyhound stopped INCHES from the exit zone at the 60 second mark of the last turn. It was that close.

So, fellow pudlians, my shame and horror at the result can no longer be kept from you, it is true:

F&FS-MKaL LOOOOOSER! 10 points

Peng a sad, shameful and unworthy victory. 88 Points

Lorak you pointy eared dungheap! Scrive it thusly.

Peng