I stood in line all night for CM2, and all I got was this lousy Peng Challenge TShirt

[PawBroon]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by David Aitken:

I may continue kicking you around the battlefield in 19 inches of flat-screen trinitron glory.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Would that mean you'd then be able to see the error of your way and tell Maximus how wrong you were in your non MODing heresy?

Be a good sport, go sooth Midgetus!

[Panzer Leader]

Before I begin on today's diatribe (which I am sure everyone is awaiting with a breathless sense of wonderment and expectation -- not unlike what we are all feeling for the immenent (yet distant) release of BTS' take on THE REAL World War Two) before I begin, I'd like to add one aside: Phillies Phan I kinda think you're cute too -- tee-hee.

Now then, I was noticing something about this board. It seems to follow much the same social patterns of a feudal society, which is only HEIGHTENED by the usage of such arcane terms as squires and kaniggets.

We have three distinct classes here. One, the landed gentry, also known as kaniggets, who are most commonly found to be inarticulate, brief (or its opposite - long-winded), but whichever the case, totally unintelligible. They also tend to be stand-offish, snobbish and enjoy the art of snubbery.

They also seem to take great delight in pointing out, and exacerbating, the minor blemishes of others, both below them and on the same station as themselves. Of course, they cow-tow to the higher-ups, but since there are no higher-ups here, that is inconsequential.

Next we have the freemen, craftsmen, artisans, and tradesmen. These people have no land to fall back on and prop them up. In fact they must rely on their own wits and thrift in order to bring health and happiness to the Mutha Beautiful. it is their work, both behind the scense and out in front, that maiintains the fresh and sweet appearance of said Mutha. We like to call these gentlemen Squires.

Finally, deep in the cess, avoided by all, forsaken by all, we have the lowest rung. this rung is so low in fact, that even pulling yourself up to the next one above would still leave one so low as to induce despondency and a lack of will. Here lie the serfs, the slaves, the doers-of-dirty-deeds. We like to call these cretins Scum-sucking-newbies for their only apparent use is that of a placostemus or a snail in a tank, to prostrate themselves and lick the filth and slime from whatever pit they find themselves in. Good riddance to them!

Occaisionally these bottom feeders feel the need to swim like a goldfish, and they must be summarily beaten back into the muck and mire of their petty existence.

Once in a million years, one of these snails will actually transform, like a tadpole into a beautiful horny toad, and become one of the fish. I hold up myself as the most recent shining example. I went from a snail to a tadpole to a craftsman. Wait no, I went from a catfish to an apprentice. Oh geez, mixed metaphors. Screw it.

Let me just wrap up by saying what a fine job you are all doing. Let's keep the catfish sucking mud, let the goldfish fan there shiny tails, and whatever those things are that occaisionally stop by to drop a few flakes into the water, uh, thanks! Now go back to the TV.

And to begin in the same way I ended (because symmetry is a good thing), I like you Phillies Phan but not in that way. And please, in a thread so chock full of Panzer Leader hatred -- and after all, who can post here without at least a line of disparagement laid upon me? -- you are really putting yourself out on a limb by two consecutive posts of adoration and compliment to one (myself) so despised.

Oh and Gravy Bacon cheerio old chap, hope to continue the slaughter soon!

Oh and Mortyr (bad FPS game)(whom I call GIT) , since you actually SAW Crodaburg, I have seen neither hide nor tail? Are you outta here then? Good, I felt queasy about the slaughter about to ensue.

Oh and the rest: Sod off!

[Marlow]

*** Important Announcement to all my Imbecile Opponents ***

I will need to refrain from my current kicking of your collective back-ends, as I am due for a well deserved respite from the daily grind, and will be on a week's vacation far away from the world of computers starting on Saturday. Also, to Jefe, I will be sending you a file full O death and destruction upon my return.

Now to more mundane matters:

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Stalin's Organ:

Edited to spare others that pain of reading your crap.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Monkey Meat, I find you tiresome and boring. Your recent feeble attempt at evicting BilgeRat from the Pool was an extremely weak effort as well as a tad presumptuous. Just because you have managed to wade around in the shallow end for a while, splashing Cess on those nearby does not qualify you to evict others that are obviously higher on Darwin's ladder of life (that is not to say that BilgeWelp is not an insignificant little pissant, but only that he is somewhat less insignificant than you).

My little (and I emphasize little) Uncle Joe's Sausage, if you insist on polluting our fine little pool of cess with your blather, at least try to make it entertaining. To date your posts have been found to be a primary cause of narcolepsy. Not that I really expect you to stick around, as your tactical skills probably match your wit, in which case even dalem's earless dog could flog you. Hell, because of your incompetence, Russia almost lost the Great Patriotic War. If you were actually worth anything, then Stalin wouldn't have been so grumpy, and there would not have been a purge of the Red Army, and the Ruskies could have kicked some serious Nazi Bootie.

Finally Dictator's Pee-Pee, I invite you to shrivel up and die, and If your going to stick around, don't bother to address me, because this post uses up just about all the effort I will spare on the likes of you.

[ 06-07-2001: Message edited by: Marlow ]

[PawBroon]

Gentle Worms!

I've seen in the Outside World that Winecape is offering to host a Tourney whose crowning would be the offering of cheap Vinasse.

I can only shudder at the thought of drinking that ersatz of Heavenly Pleasure...

But there is something in this that needed to be furthered.

South African wines are all fine and dandy but let's be real for a moment.

Pretend I'm both french and lucky enough to be from Bordeaux (don't THAT ring a bell?!), wouldn't those 15 SudAf good wines out of 6000 sound a little jolly?

So in a complete Cesspooligan jest I hereby Peng his Tourney with the following:

The Winner of the Peng Award for Witticism will receive 6 bottles of fine French wines.

It's only fitting that I should name this the PAW...

You know the Rules.

Those amongst us that want to participate will have to drop me a mail.

The games will be played in a total lack of fairness and with my usual disrespect for anything ressembling a schedule.

Games are just a media.

What will be ranked is the following:

Tauntings

Rants

AAR

Posts in the Pool...

Chances are that an Elder will win this but I can only assume some SSNs will benefit from the benevolent genius of us Native Poolers.

Since Winecape came up with the idea, he wins a Free Ride on this one.

Because I know for a fact some of you are Yanks, let me keep this simple:

Me stopgap stoopid posts with wine.

You mail me.

Me rate you.

You drink wine.

Unless I win my own Tourney that is...

[Agua Perdido]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by a whole raft of ssn's and a few addle-pated gits who have been elevated to squirehood (and hoods they are) in utter defiance of all 'Pool conventions and requirements for wit, style, grace and entertaining taunts:

Drivel. Mind-numbing, soul-destroying, repetitious, overblown, self-important, tedious drivel (and not mind-numbing and soul-destroying and tedious in a good way, either).<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Seanachai:

"Sound Off Like You've Got a Pair" should be modified to include: "And Half a Goddamn Brain".<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Yegads... Seanachai, you are one of the most loathsome inhabitants of this thoroughly loathsome place, a horrid, bent, scribbling creature who buys gerbils by the armload, not for some urban-legend-inspired deviant act, but rather to crush them slowly in vises (not vices, Bauhaus), drown them in windshield-wiper fluid, or roast them on pyres of burning urinal cakes, whereupon you whittle their bones into the nibs you use to pen your rambling and irrelevant soliloquies here.

[pause for breath]

The thought of agreeing with you, however obliquely, makes my insides knot and churn as though I'd voluntarily typed the word Crodaburg! {oh, damn.... BLEEARRGGGH!)

However, I have to second your proposed amendment to the Cesspool's signature admonition. Normally the real lackwits get tired of things and move along, or they perform a do-it-yourself trephination with a melon baller and a Ronco inside-the-egg scrambler to achieve a higher level of taunting inspiration (COUGHmenschCOUGH). These days, they stick around, firmly refuse to get a clue, and are elevated to squirehood (speaking of which, I think Pawbroon should be subjected to some of sanction, like being forced to eat at McDonald's or somefink--not because of whatsisname, but because he persists in being French).

Where was I? Oh, yes, Seanachai, you gamey, map-fixing dog-robber, have I mentioned how much I despise you today? I wish I weren't so busy since my return so I could blame my delay of our game on my contempt for you. I wish winning or losing actually meant a damn here, just so I could delay your little step closer to inevitable victory in this frog-ain-a-bucket fraud by my tardiness. However, even though we all have to suffer for the witless dross currently clogging the 'Pool, at least you have to suffer it, too.

Agua Perdido

PS: Don't forget, you're supposed to bring hotdish to the potluck this week.

[Barticus]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Stalin's Organ:

What on earth gives you the idea that anyone here considers you worthwile?

Having you sitting around and making the place look untidy is an insult even to the Cesspool crowd that usually makes this place look untidy...not to mention the smell........

If you want a challenge then here's one - GET A LIFE<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Ah yes, Stalling Again I had heard that you were a denizen of these pits o'cess, but I refused to believe the rumours. So much more entertaining believing you had been run over by a Mini of somefink and left to rot until the sun came up to burn you into a little pile of goo. Oh, I AM sorry, I see that has already happened, my apologies. As to my worthwhiliness, who are YOU to say I am not! Unless, of course, you would care to PROVE it, one way or t'other?

[Phillies Phan]

You know you want it - A play by Phan

Cast of Characters

David Chartreuse Aitken as the Curmudgeon

"Maxi the ModShark" as the Wiley Salesman

Scene One

Zoom to door knob behind gently twisted to find out its locked

Violent Knocking heard

David: Allo? Who's there?

Maxi: Modshark

David: Blimey! Go away before I have you shot and buggered and shot again! I have no need for mods.

Maxi: First one's free, guvner. Just let me in.

David: Bugger off!

Maxi: You know you want one. Just let me slip one under the door.

David: I'm doing quite well without your mods. Go bother someone else.

Shuffling sounds are heard outside of the door.

Maxi: (in falsetto) Mistah Aichey? Me mummy said yer buildins are lookin a bit drab and understated. She also said you may be needin some uniform mods from the Mod "mess aye uh" known as Maximus. She also said...

David: My buildings aren't that bad...Hey, wait! Its still you. I'm calling the bobbies to take you off my doorstep.

Maxi: (In normal prepubescent voice) No! Wait, Mr. Achey Artist. We both know that you need mods. Everybody needs mods. Its called Mod-22. If you really want mods, then you already have them and if you don't have them, then you need them. See?

Sound of shotgun blast and then silence.

Curtain closes

[ 06-07-2001: Message edited by: Phillies Phan ]

[Lawyer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by PawBroon:

The Winner of the Peng Award for Witticism will receive 6 bottles of fine French wines.

It's only fitting that I should name this the PAW...

You know the Rules.

Those amongst us that want to participate will have to drop me a mail.

The games will be played in a total lack of fairness and with my usual disrespect for anything ressembling a schedule.

Games are just a media.

What will be ranked is the following:

Tauntings

Rants

AAR

Posts in the Pool...

Chances are that an Elder will win this but I can only assume some SSNs will benefit from the benevolent genius of us Native Poolers.

Since Winecape came up with the idea, he wins a Free Ride on this one.

Because I know for a fact some of you are Yanks, let me keep this simple:

Me stopgap stoopid posts with wine.

You mail me.

Me rate you.

You drink wine.

Unless I win my own Tourney that is...

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

PawBroon, you lame-brained copycat frogette. This "idea" has already been done, and may I say, done much better.

The Lawyer's Cup was the first and the best contest, and of course it was also something for which the French have no similar word -- IT WAS ORIGINAL!

Even your Word Police will have trouble assembling enough waylaid letters to create a Frog word for a concept which clearly does not exist in your neck of the planet.

For proof and Real Wit, check out the link announcing that Mark IV eked out an unfair victory in the Lawyer's Tournament of Masters more than six months ago.

http://www.battlefront.com/cgi-bin/bbs/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=1&t=012836

As usual, you are behind the curve, behind the genius, and just a Big Behind in general, which is your cultural right as a Frenchman. But it is still a violation of copyright and intellectual property laws, for which the French also have no concept since "intellect" is just a cover for keeping cheap sluts as mistresses in smelly Paris saloons.

You leper-nosed git. Next thing you'll be claiming the French invented wine and french fries.

We all know the French are obsessed with honor, which is all you have once you fritter away anything useful (like victory). Thus, your post should be amended immediately to admit publicly that your "idea" is just a cheap rip-off of the Real Thing sponsored by me (and with a better prize).

Otherwise, I will be forced to take action as Consigliori.

Jeez, go rub some more garlic in your armpit, or at least do one of your better Hunter S. Thompson tirades.

[ 06-07-2001: Message edited by: Lawyer ]

[Phillies Phan]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lawyer:

PawBroon, you lame-brained copycat frogette. This "idea" has already been done, and may I say, done much better.

The Lawyer's Cup was the first and the best contest, and of course it was also something for which the French have no similar word -- IT WAS ORIGINAL!

[ 06-07-2001: Message edited by: Lawyer ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'm still bitter that Germanbody didn't win. I have yet to peel that bumpersticker off my Saturn.

[David Aitken]

I don't need shotguns, I have a nice heavy 17" ex-monitor to clout people like Maxipad over the head with. Actually, strangely enough it still does 1024x768@60Hz or less, except a bit distorted. Not worth fixing things these days. Aye, in my day, they built things to last! Nowadays you buy a computer for a tenner and then replace it next week. No such thing as craftsmen or engineers any more... they'd just replace all the wiring and give me back the same shell with a different monitor inside, and that'll be 300 quid please, and 500 for the labour, and oh guess what, you could have got a new one for 200! Pff.

[Holman]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Panzer Leader:

Oh and Mortyr (bad FPS game)(whom I call GIT) , since you actually SAW Crodaburg, I have seen neither hide nor tail? Are you outta here then? Good, I felt queasy about the slaughter about to ensue.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

(Looks up from busy-looking deskjob desk job) All right, I'm coming, I'm coming! Geez Louise. A man's got to have a means of earning his way in the world, of bringing home the bacon, of keeping body and soul together--in short, a man must have a JOB (spake the whirlwind). And I have mine, which keeps me away from CM until dinner time. I'll meet you in Crodaberg's forsaken precincts this evening. We'll see who slaughters whom...

Martyr

"Come GIT some!"

[PawBroon]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Posted by SueMe!:

Blah blah whatever blah blah.

[ 06-07-2001: Message edited by: Lawyer ]

[ 06-07-2001: Message edited by: Lawyer ]

[ 06-07-2001: Message edited by: Lawyer ]

[ 06-07-2001: Message edited by: Lawyer ]

[ 06-07-2001: Message edited by: Lawyer ]

Blah blah...

[ 06-07-2001: Message edited by: Lawyer ]

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

[MrSpkr]

"BulgingBrat Sets Sail"

Featuring:

MrSpkr as the Announcer

Phillies Phan as First Mate Spunk

Bauhaus as Captain Ned

Totalitarian Willie as Sailor #1

panties as Sailor # 2

PushupBra as Bosun’s Mate

Lawyer as Dr. Pierce

Kitty as Ruth Warrington

YK2 as Madeline Warrington

and

BulgingBrat as himself

Featuring Lorak as the corpse of Miles Cowperthwaite.

Longwinded script attributed to Sir Seanachai.

Announcer MrSpkr: Tonight, PBS is proud to present a dramatization of Charles Dickens' newly discovered novel, "The Raging Queen: A Tale of Manly Adventure." As many viewers are no doubt aware, this novel picks up where the previous Dickens classic, "Miles Cowperthwaite" left off. Our previously scheduled episode of "How the West was Won for Rich Oilmen and Cattle Barons" will be seen in its entirety on PBS next Tuesday.

"The Raging Queen: A Tale of Manly Adventure", as related to Nathaniel Hawthorne and Richard Simmons.

BulgingBrat voiceover: "The Raging Queen: A Tale of Manly Adventure", relating the execrable childhood, abhorrent adolescence, and perverse death of Bulging Brat.

Chapter 1. My sorrow is comforted.

"As I stand here, I, as well as the rest of the crew of The Raging Queen, mourn yesterday’s loss of Cap’n Bauhaus’s former cabin boy, Miles Lorak Cowperthwaite. Young Miles Lorak was tragically eaten by sharks after having fallen overboard in the turbulent waters of Kingston Harbor during the fury of a calm and gentle sea. Cap’n Bauhaus, being a manly man, schooled in the ways of manliness, and a firm believer in strict discipline, corporal punishment, and Greco-Roman oil wrestling, has ordered all hands on deck at three bells on the afternoon watch for an important announcement.

Fade to Deck

(First Mate Fillies rings the deck bell).

First Mate Fillies: All right, men! Quiet down, please. We wouldn’t want to cause a fuss, now, would we? If you are hungry, remember there is still a bit left at the salad bar, as well as some quiche from this morn’s breakfast. We also have some wine coolers and one or two of those fruity drinks with the little umbrellas in them at the bar. And now, here for an important announcement, is our own Cap’n Bauhaus.

Cap’n Bauhaus: All right men, calm down. Settle people, SETTLE! Much better. Now, as you all know, the tragic loss of young Miles Lorak has left me without a cabin boy, who may shine my shoes, fetch my meals, prepare and warm my bed, and generally cater to my every whim. Now, as you all know, we are a manly ship. We sail the seven seas, with ports of call in manly ports, such as Key West, San Francisco, Seattle and Fire Island. And on a manly ship, I need a manly cabana boy. Who shall volunteer?

BulgingBrat: looks around: Why, if no one else desires it, I shall be proud to serve you Cap’n Bauhaus.

Cap’n Bauhaus: Excellent. I shall teach you the ways of manliness and masculinity on these long voyages. You shall learn what it means to be masculine on a manly ship. Understand me boy, I shall not tolerate any actions that may bring discredit to your manhood or manliness. Do you understand?

BulgingBrat: I can’t wait to get started! Hurrah for Cap’n Bauhaus!

Entire crew cheers.

MrSpkr, as Announcer: That night, the level of Cap’n Bauhaus’ concern for young BulgingBrat was made apparent.

BulgingBrat’s cabin, single candle lit. BulgingBrat is in his bed. A footstep is heard across the room.

BulgingBrat (sitting up): Who is it? Who’s there?

Cap’n Bauhaus (steps forward into the light): It is I, young Bulging. I noticed your, concern, over the loss of young Miles Lorak and thought I would come down to see if you needed any comforting.

BulgingBrat: No, Cap’n, I’m quite fine, thank you.

Cap’n Bauhaus: Don’t lie to me lad. I see the grief upon your face. (sits on bed) It is manly to share your emotions and feelings with your Captain, lad.

BulgingBrat begins to speak, but Cap’n Bauhaus pulls Brat’s head close to his chest, muting Brat’s words)

Cap’n Bauhaus: There, there lad. It is okay. Your old Cap’n Bauhaus is here to comfort you. I will always be here to comfort you, stroke your hair, massage your shoulders . . .(Cap’n Bauhaus’ eyes begin to glaze over. As BulgingBrat continues to struggle, Bauhaus snaps out of it, shoves Brat backwards, and looks at him sternly)

Cap’n Bauhaus: But first, we must deal with the bit of lying you’ve been doing. Reporting problems with Totalitarian Willie and panties is one thing - I’ve read the reports lad, and you speak truly. But to stoop to lies about our dear announcer, MrSpkr, and then to lie about the depth of your grief for the loss of young Miles Lorak is inexcusable. MrSpkr has fought bravely on this ship for many moons. He participated repelling Rommel22.692, when we were almost overcome by moronic vulgarity. He has crushed panties' forces in battle, handing him a humiliating Major Defeat. He personally took to the delousing and deworming of Joe Shaw in his fits of megalomania. He also was been honorable enough to return the burnt and crunchy remains of Joe’s squire, Spitmuch, after defeating him on the field of battle. Your contributions have been limited to “Aarrghh!” or some variant thereof, with drunken rambling about cannonades and mutiny. (Cap’n Bauhaus pulls BulgingBrat’s head to his chest once more). You know lad, I blame myself for your failing. I have neglected to comfort you adequately on our long voyage. I, no we, must be punished that we do not repeat this error in the future.

(Calls Kitty, YK2, and PushupBra)

Cap’n Bauhaus: I have made a decision: young BulgingBrat has been caught lying to his Captain. Therefore, As I am ultimately responsible for all that goes on aboard this vessel, I am ordering that both he and I be punished, and punished severely. Bosun’s Mate, please carry out my orders.

Bosun’s Mate PushupBra: Would that be a good chest hair plucking, sir, or perhaps flagellation with the stinging sea nettles? Or maybe just a good spanking?

Cap’n Bauhaus: The only prudent course is to apply all three. Now snap to!

Kitty and YK2 together: A spanking! A spanking!

PushupBra: Aye, Cap’n. You ladies fetch the stinging nettles and the handcuffs. I'll get the tweezers and the paddle. I see that Cap'n Bauhaus has already brought the hot oil and incense.

Several hours later.

Cap’n Bauhaus: There now, that was as good a spankin’ as I’ve had in ages! Those stingin’ nettles were the perfect way to bring out the manly man in all of us, sweating, awaiting each blow with anticipation, the musky aroma of sweat wafting off our bodies . . .Cap’n Bauhaus’ eyes begin to glaze . . . then he snaps out of it. But see here - Dr. Lawyer, how did young BulgingBrat hold up under his punishment?

Dr. Lawyer: Not well, sir. I’m afraid he is going to lose his eye.

BulgingBrat (frightened): Whatever for, sir?

Dr. Lawyer: Because, my son, when you were being whipped with the stingin’ nettles, a strange emission of clear fluid leaked from the corner of your eye. No, I’m afraid that we shall simply have to remove it. I will perform the surgery on the morrow. I shall expect my fee in advance. (Dr. Lawyer turns and leaves Cap’n Bauhaus and BulgingBrat alone in the cabin).

BulgingBrat: Not my eye, sir! Not my eye!

Cap’n Bauhaus (pulls BulgingBrat’s head close to his chest): There now lad. Be a pillar of masculinity. Be a manly man. The surgery isn’t until tomorrow morning. I shall spend tonight in your cabin, comforting you, and whilst you are recovering I shall never leave your side, not even when we dock in . . . (shudders) . . . San Francisco! No young BulgingBrat, I will be here to comfort you for as long as I feel it is necessary. (Cap’n Bauhaus slides into BulgingBrat’s bunk, turns, and blows out the candle. )

Announcer MrSpkr: Tune in next week for our next episode of “BulgingBrat Sets Sail” to see how BulgingBrat accepts his punishment and comforting in a manly way, in Chapter 2: I learn to wrestle in oil."

Fade to black.

[ 06-07-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]

[Holman]

er...um...

(speechless with vaguely nauseated awe)

[bauhaus]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

"BulgingBrat Sets Sail"

Featuring:

MrSpkr as the Announcer

Phillies Phan as First Mate Spunk

Bauhaus as Captain Ned

Totalitarian Willie as Sailor #1

panties as Sailor # 2

PushupBra as Bosun’s Mate

Lawyer as Dr. Pierce

Kitty as Ruth Warrington

YK2 as Madeline Warrington

and

BulgingBrat as himself

Featuring Lorak as the corpse of Miles Cowperthwaite.

Longwinded script attributed to Sir Seanachai.

Announcer MrSpkr: Tonight, PBS is proud to present a dramatization of Charles Dickens' newly discovered novel, "The Raging Queen: A Tale of Manly Adventure." As many viewers are no doubt aware, this novel picks up where the previous Dickens classic, "Miles Cowperthwaite" left off. Our previously scheduled episode of "How the West was Won for Rich Oilmen and Cattle Barons" will be seen in its entirety on PBS next Tuesday.

"The Raging Queen: A Tale of Manly Adventure", as related to Nathaniel Hawthorne and Richard Simmons.

BulgingBrat voiceover: "The Raging Queen: A Tale of Manly Adventure", relating the execrable childhood, abhorrent adolescence, and perverse death of Bulging Brat.

Chapter 1. My sorrow is comforted.

"As I stand here, I, as well as the rest of the crew of The Raging Queen, mourn yesterday’s loss of Cap’n Bauhaus’s former cabin boy, Miles Lorak Cowperthwaite. Young Miles Lorak was tragically eaten by sharks after having fallen overboard in the turbulent waters of Kingston Harbor during the fury of a calm and gentle sea. Cap’n Bauhaus, being a manly man, schooled in the ways of manliness, and a firm believer in strict discipline, corporal punishment, and Greco-Roman oil wrestling, has ordered all hands on deck at three bells on the afternoon watch for an important announcement.

Fade to Deck

(First Mate Fillies rings the deck bell).

First Mate Fillies: All right, men! Quiet down, please. We wouldn’t want to cause a fuss, now, would we? If you are hungry, remember there is still a bit left at the salad bar, as well as some quiche from this morn’s breakfast. We also have some wine coolers and one or two of those fruity drinks with the little umbrellas in them at the bar. And now, here for an important announcement, is our own Cap’n Bauhaus.

Cap’n Bauhaus: All right men, calm down. Settle people, SETTLE! Much better. Now, as you all know, the tragic loss of young Miles Lorak has left me without a cabin boy, who may shine my shoes, fetch my meals, prepare and warm my bed, and generally cater to my every whim. Now, as you all know, we are a manly ship. We sail the seven seas, with ports of call in manly ports, such as Key West, San Francisco, Seattle and Fire Island. And on a manly ship, I need a manly cabana boy. Who shall volunteer?

BulgingBrat: looks around: Why, if no one else desires it, I shall be proud to serve you Cap’n Bauhaus.

Cap’n Bauhaus: Excellent. I shall teach you the ways of manliness and masculinity on these long voyages. You shall learn what it means to be masculine on a manly ship. Understand me boy, I shall not tolerate any actions that may bring discredit to your manhood or manliness. Do you understand?

BulgingBrat: I can’t wait to get started! Hurrah for Cap’n Bauhaus!

Entire crew cheers.

MrSpkr, as Announcer: That night, the level of Cap’n Bauhaus’ concern for young BulgingBrat was made apparent.

BulgingBrat’s cabin, single candle lit. BulgingBrat is in his bed. A footstep is heard across the room.

BulgingBrat (sitting up): Who is it? Who’s there?

Cap’n Bauhaus (steps forward into the light): It is I, young Bulging. I noticed your, concern, over the loss of young Miles Lorak and thought I would come down to see if you needed any comforting.

BulgingBrat: No, Cap’n, I’m quite fine, thank you.

Cap’n Bauhaus: Don’t lie to me lad. I see the grief upon your face. (sits on bed) It is manly to share your emotions and feelings with your Captain, lad.

BulgingBrat begins to speak, but Cap’n Bauhaus pulls Brat’s head close to his chest, muting Brat’s words)

Cap’n Bauhaus: There, there lad. It is okay. Your old Cap’n Bauhaus is here to comfort you. I will always be here to comfort you, stroke your hair, massage your shoulders . . .(Cap’n Bauhaus’ eyes begin to glaze over. As BulgingBrat continues to struggle, Bauhaus snaps out of it, shoves Brat backwards, and looks at him sternly)

Cap’n Bauhaus: But first, we must deal with the bit of lying you’ve been doing. Reporting problems with Totalitarian Willie and panties is one thing - I’ve read the reports lad, and you speak truly. But to stoop to lies about our dear announcer, MrSpkr, and then to lie about the depth of your grief for the loss of young Miles Lorak is inexcusable. MrSpkr has fought bravely on this ship for many moons. He participated repelling Rommel22.692, when we were almost overcome by moronic vulgarity. He has crushed panties' forces in battle, handing him a humiliating Major Defeat. He personally took to the delousing and deworming of Joe Shaw in his fits of megalomania. He also was been honorable enough to return the burnt and crunchy remains of Joe’s squire, Spitmuch, after defeating him on the field of battle. Your contributions have been limited to “Aarrghh!” or some variant thereof, with drunken rambling about cannonades and mutiny. (Cap’n Bauhaus pulls BulgingBrat’s head to his chest once more). You know lad, I blame myself for your failing. I have neglected to comfort you adequately on our long voyage. I, no we, must be punished that we do not repeat this error in the future.

(Calls Kitty, YK2, and PushupBra)

Cap’n Bauhaus: I have made a decision: young BulgingBrat has been caught lying to his Captain. Therefore, As I am ultimately responsible for all that goes on aboard this vessel, I am ordering that both he and I be punished, and punished severely. Bosun’s Mate, please carry out my orders.

Bosun’s Mate PushupBra: Would that be a good chest hair plucking, sir, or perhaps flagellation with the stinging sea nettles? Or maybe just a good spanking?

Cap’n Bauhaus: The only prudent course is to apply all three. Now snap to!

Kitty and YK2 together: A spanking! A spanking!

PushupBra: Aye, Cap’n. You ladies fetch the stinging nettles and the handcuffs. I'll get the tweezers and the paddle. I see that Cap'n Bauhaus has already brought the hot oil and incense.

Several hours later.

Cap’n Bauhaus: There now, that was as good a spankin’ as I’ve had in ages! Those stingin’ nettles were the perfect way to bring out the manly man in all of us, sweating, awaiting each blow with anticipation, the musky aroma of sweat wafting off our bodies . . .Cap’n Bauhaus’ eyes begin to glaze . . . then he snaps out of it. But see here - Dr. Lawyer, how did young BulgingBrat hold up under his punishment?

Dr. Lawyer: Not well, sir. I’m afraid he is going to lose his eye.

BulgingBrat (frightened): Whatever for, sir?

Dr. Lawyer: Because, my son, when you were being whipped with the stingin’ nettles, a strange emission of clear fluid leaked from the corner of your eye. No, I’m afraid that we shall simply have to remove it. I will perform the surgery on the morrow. I shall expect my fee in advance. (Dr. Lawyer turns and leaves Cap’n Bauhaus and BulgingBrat alone in the cabin).

BulgingBrat: Not my eye, sir! Not my eye!

Cap’n Bauhaus (pulls BulgingBrat’s head close to his chest): There now lad. Be a pillar of masculinity. Be a manly man. The surgery isn’t until tomorrow morning. I shall spend tonight in your cabin, comforting you, and whilst you are recovering I shall never leave your side, not even when we dock in . . . (shudders) . . . San Francisco! No young BulgingBrat, I will be here to comfort you for as long as I feel it is necessary. (Cap’n Bauhaus slides into BulgingBrat’s bunk, turns, and blows out the candle. )

Announcer MrSpkr: Tune in next week for our next episode of “BulgingBrat Sets Sail” to see how BulgingBrat accepts his punishment and comforting in a manly way, in Chapter 2: I learn to wrestle in oil."

Fade to black.

[ 06-07-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Your obsession with me is making me very uncomfortable. I feel like I'm being stalked in the pool.

[Marlow]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

"BulgingBrat Sets Sail"

Edited due to the somewhat disturbing nature of the post.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Man, where is Croda and PT212 when you need them.

MrSpkr, I have generally been a supporter of essential liberties such as free speech, but in your case I'll make an exception. For this travesty that you, a mere Pissant, have foisted upon the Pool(and don't be mumbling any of that "but, but, I'm an all grown up big boy squire now" bullcrap), I sentence you to Death by Quick Battle.

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bauhaus:

Your obsession with me is making me very uncomfortable. I feel like I'm being stalked in the pool.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Bauhaus:

No obsession here - just casting of last resort.

Originally, we (and by "we" I mean "me") wanted Mace but he refused to work unless the part of BulgingBrat was played by a ram. Seeing as how there are no sheep in the Cess, that eliminated him.

Next, we considered Dame Aitken, but we abandoned that idea when we heard him mumbling something about Englishmen only working for half an hour a day. I mean, half an hour? That would have thrown the entire production schedule out of whack.

We considered casting John Belushi, but seeing as how he is dead and all, we realized that that would not work. Besides, he is not a member of the Cess.

Marlow and wildthang were also mentioned for the role, but they recently announced they would be incommunicado for several days - again, disrupting the production schedule.

Lorak and Joe Shaw were also considered, but we were unable to contact them for contract negotiations.

That left jdmorse or you. We all felt that it would be inappropriate to put a lawyer in charge (you know how they can be), so it fell to you by default.

In other words, lower your ego a bit - like the short skinny kid who gets picked last for a street football game, you were selected only because we had no other choice.

Marlow:

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Marlow spewed:

For this travesty that you, a mere Pissant, have foisted upon the Pool(and don't be mumbling any of that "but, but, I'm an all grown up big boy squire now" bullcrap), I sentence you to Death by Quick Battle.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'll forward a setup tonight. I look forward to crushing you under my boot. Besides, by whacking you, I eliminate a little Real World™ competition to boot.

[ 06-07-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]

[David Aitken]

I can't imagine why Berli thought Panty Liner and MrSpnkr's souls worth the bandwidth he's granted them in exchange, although I'm sure the gall to cast themselves as Peng Thread Historian and Playwright In Residence grew all by itself, like a fungus in the festering mass that passes for their cerebral cortex.

[PawBroon]

Now wait a minute!!!

Wasn't I supposed to come up with those weird posts where nobody could understand dick at all?

Plagiarist!!!

Ok Aitken, I know you are already playing me over a PBEM but now I am playing you also!

[Iskander]

Longer posts and folks playing Crodaburg again... things are looking up.

Er, well, at least they are sucking less, I guess. Mitigates (only somewhat) the disaster this was shaping up to be on my watch.

Kinda liked the Job/lightning ref, but I've already drunk myself out of recalling who (whom?) did it.

As for games... some look good, some don't. They all look better through the bottom of a highball glass, though.

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bauhaus:

Your obsession with me is making me very uncomfortable. I feel like I'm being stalked in the pool.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Bauhaus,

Now, I realize that you are not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but would you be so kind as to edit your post so that we do not need to see the original post in all its twisted glory? Think you can handle that?

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by David Aitken:

I can't imagine why Berli thought Panty Liner and MrSpnkr's souls worth the bandwidth he's granted them in exchange, although I'm sure the gall to cast themselves as Peng Thread Historian and Playwright In Residence grew all by itself, like a fungus in the festering mass that passes for their cerebral cortex.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Must have been God granted bandwidth. Had it been one of my contracts, the small print would have had them roasting for no return

[BFCElvis]

No time for long version.

chrisl : Loser

Elvis : Winner as usual

[Thermopylae]

There are some of you who probably believe that after a brief appearance, I, being in the common parlance a scum sucking newbie, would have disappeared and left your pool in peace. Be this from a sudden nausea attack, headache, cancer or other maldroit symptom induced by the words you write (they are associated with you lot, making them extremely volatile, and most likely contagious), you still expected me to quickly sod off.

However, your pool is like chinese food, and despite regularly putting you to sleep, and consisting of components which are so disgusting that their mention will result in being crucified in various Middle eastern countries, it is still extremely tasty, as well as being quick and requiring no more effort than ringing up a delivery number.

And just like that damned annoying customer that you have to deliver to 13.5 miles away who never tips you, I am here to stay. As we speak I have already engaged Mace in a duel thingy, and thus have already made inroads into your "impenetrable wall o cess".

[Treeburst155]

To The Pool,

I personally would consider it an honor if the members of the Pool would choose from among their own a representative to take part in WineCape's Invitational CM Tourney.

I've enjoyed reading the Peng thread for many months (years?) now and feel the forum and the CM community in general would lack a certain something if there were no Pool. I also know there is a fair amount of CM talent among you. Since we are trying to organize a tournament of prominent CM citizens and/or very skilled players it would be a crime not to invite The Pool to send one of their own as The Pool is both prominent and skilled IMO.

If The Pool is interested simply send me a name within 72 hours so I can send your representative a formal invitation complete with the tournament mechanics, etc.. I would suggest you nominate one of your best tacticians as the competition will be very stiff.

Sincerely, Treeburst155

DIE-A-LOT NOW!!