A Peng Challenge Too Far

[Seanachai]

Lorak, when thou returnest to us, lingering here, bereft of your subtle touch and subjected to so much posing and posturing by Shaw that I'm starting to feel like I'm at a fashion photo shoot, regard this latest degradation in the Big Book of Degradations:

Lawyer: Win

Seanachai; Loss

It was the best of Victories, it was the worst of Victories. But mainly, it was an insignificant, piddling, Allied Minor Victory.

How the best of Victories? It was a significant, probably even life affirming victory for Lawyer, whose concern that he would come away with a 'Draw', whipped him into a frenzy of feverish planning, maneuver, and attention to detail that most folk wouldn't lavish on a career, let alone one Combat Mission scenario game. I remain firmly convinced that a mere defeat, even of hideous proportions, would not have filled the man with as much angst and fervour as the possibility of a draw.

Which fills me with confusion, for as anyone who lives in America knows, the whole point of the practice of Law is to end up with an unbroken series of 'Draws', deals cut, and delays that make any legal proceeding in this country not merely a life's work, but most probably a legacy for one's children. A lawyer who can use the term 'swift justice' without following it immediately with a spray of gin out his nose as the attempt to suppress laughter fails, is no longer a lawyer, but a politician.

And why the worst of Victories? Because, a quick glance at the forces left on the board at the end reveals that not only had the preponderance of force and advantage of position lain all along with the Man of the Law (and, after having done so, got up feeling all dirty and cheap and a little weepy, immediately wanting to call their mother and tell her she was right; anyone who lies down with a lawyer arises with shame), but even a cursory examination of the remaining forces reveals that by achieving merely an Allied Minor Victory, and narrowly staved off a Draw by doing so, Lawyer is revealed as a trembling, cautious, toy-poodle of a tactician.

Lawyer, vile readers, is no Keyser Soze. He is not a man of will. Despite an overwhelming edge over my shattered remnants, he made no serious move to achieve victory until the last 3 turns of the game, and achieved it only in the final turn. Indeed, despite his taunts, innuendos, and misrepresentations, I attempted to move forward in reclaiming the bridgeheads throughout the game. Had I, as he accused me, settled back, a 'timid spirit intent on merely not losing', I would have achieved victory myself.

But, the Man of Law did indeed 'triumph' as we must call it, or shatter what little self -esteem he may have amassed in his time here among us, over the Man of the North.

I can forgive him, and that easily, his 'Minor Allied Victory', which he worked harder to achieve than Shaw does to obfuscate every issue and occurence of our lives here in the glorious Peng Challenge Thread.

I can forgive him, precisely because I am a 'man of the north', his sneering attacks and personal belittlement of myself in his posts, his emails, and, I have it on good authority, the mumbled prayers that he offered up before an 'altar' he erected in his office dedicated entirely to his victory over 'the Hated One'. I have, you see, close friends in Washington DC, and, once informed of Lawyer's real world identity, it was but the work of moments for them to subborn office personnel, co-workers, acquaintances, and many others in order to build up a rather thorough and disturbing vision of the Man 'Behind' the Law.

I had thought it would cost me immense effort and a considerable sum to build up a portrait of the man we know here as Lawyer. In fact, for the price of a couple of drinks (although anyone who's ever bought drinks in DC for the locals in the 'watering-holes of their choice' once they know someone else is buying, knows that hiring a major Investigative firm in a real city would be cheaper), most everyone who knows or has contact with him was only too ready to spill all they know of the man 'Lawyer'. He is neither well-liked, nor does he inspire great loyalty in those who come in contact with him. In fact, in several cases, when my shaken minions ceased to buy drinks, convinced they'd heard enough about him from several informants, the informants themselves bought round after round, begging my operatives to stay and 'hear it all'.

I am a man easily moved to pity. Did I not, in fact, take on Panzer Leader as Squire? The picture of Lawyer that was transmitted to me as he was during the weeks of our game, has moved me to a level of forgivnance that I never expected I could feel for a creature even as lowly as himself. All made more sad by the fact that no hint of the soul-shattering anguish and panic that he was feeling was ever revealed in either his posts to the Thread, nor his emails to myself. Witness, oh ye of the Peng Challenge Thread, and know pity yourself.

In the early stages of our game, he was filled with boasting and cockiness. Several co-workers and aqcuaintances remember clearly his odd references to his 'inevitable victory' over someone he called 'Seanachai' (although this was often hard to arrive at, since his pronounciation was hopelessly buggered), or 'The Old One'. As time went by, most of those my operatives talked to said they became 'uncomfortable' with his continual, obsessive references to, as they put it 'some sort of contest he was having with some guy in Minnesota, who he just started calling 'the Hated One'. Eventually, even those who were offered free lunches declined, because, as one fellow attorney, a lad from Maine, had it "It was some wicked weird, this thing he had with this Seanachai fella. It made me some nervous, I tell ya'. He'd start out the lunch smirkin' and grinnin', goin' on about his Stuart this, and his squad that, and without any warnin' at all, he'd be clutching his napkin, wailin' away about somethin' he called 'the Gun of Navarone'. Then he'd spend a good five minutes cursin', somethin' awful to hear, made ya' take a good grip on your steak knife just in case."

From his secretary we learned that he had 'built some kind of weird shrine' in his office (the Victory Altar alluded to above). In her own words "It was, well, it was creepy. He had this really nice carved oak, panelled screen he'd pull around it when he had anyone in the office, and everyone in the office was forbidden to look behind it. But a couple of times I walked in on him, before he made it damn clear that the next time I came in when he was 'communing with Victory', as he told me the second time, that I'd be fired, well, after that I'd always buzz in first, and give him time to put everything away. What was it like? Like I said, creepy. He had these weird pictures that he did off the color copier plastered all around it, mostly just a bunch of guys I'd never seen before, like they were pulled off some website or something, and he had votive candles all over, and in the middle he had this picture, but it wasn't really a picture, it was, like, this silhouette of some guy's head, with a cross inside a circle that the priest down at St. Mary's told me is called a 'Celtic Cross' kind of like, superimposed over it. And he had like plastic armymen, and little tank models and stuff in front of it. What about when I walked in on him? The first time I walked in he was on his knees in front of it, and he was shaking, and weeping, and saying 'no Draw, oh please, no Draw! I must have Victory, Victory! It's only four weeks, I'll make sacrifice in the Ardennes, anything you ask, just grant me victory!' and all the candles were lit, and he had snot running down his face from the crying, and his hands clasped in front of him. When I came in he jumped up and turned away, and told me to get out."

"The second time I walked in, he was on his knees, and he had this big hammer raised up over his head, and he was whackin' the hell out of some of those armymen and tank toys. And the language! I hope I never hear talk like that again. And it was all about somebody named Shankee, or something, and he was screaming about 'the old one', and then saying, 'no, the Hated One, the Hated One'. I was scared, I'll tell you the truth. And when he realized I was there, he jumped up and started screaming at me! I almost peed my drawers, I was that frightened. That's when he told me he'd fire me if I ever came in again, like I told you. I would have quit, but he gave me this big raise, a few days later, for no reason, and told me from now on I had to buzz him before I came in. I've got a kid to take care of, and I needed the money. But as soon as I find another job, I'm outa there."

Finally, the most damning testimony comes from a young woman merely named 'Moire', who is only 17 years old, Irish, and, sadly, in this country illegally. She has a lovely, soft brogue, and despite her youth, has already seen more of life than she should have to face. As she told my folk out east:

"I got this call, ya' see. I was working for this place that did 'escorts' and fancy stuff for that crowd; you know, lawyers, and lobbyists, and politicians and such. And I got a call from the woman who runs the place, and she said, 'Moire, I've got somethin' for ya' but I don't know as you should take it. It's this government attorney sort. He called in here and he wants...well, I'll just tell ya' what he said: 'I want a girl! And she must be young! And beautiful! Radiant as the sun, radiant as victory! Irish! She must be Irish! I will win! There can be no draw! I must win?'

'Moire', she told me, 'he's paying like an arab prince for this. He says he needs you to come once a week or so, and he's not sure for how long. Says 'until I win! Win! And put the Hated One in his place!' The money's fantastic, there's no question of that, but this one's a giddy bastard, and no mistake. I wouldn't blame you for saying no. But if yer willin', what he's payin' will easily hire you an attorney and cover all the bribes for you to stay in this country legal-like, if it goes for as little as a month.'

So I took it on, 'cause there's nothing for me back in Dublin, now is there? And I went out to his place that first night, and he met me at the door himself, and said as how he'd given all the servants the night off. And he took me into this room. And eveythin' was real nice, very posh, and the only thing in the room was this computer, and this, well, I don't but what I could call it anything but an altar, and it had plastic green armymen on it, and tanks, and stuff, and well, I was raised a good Catholic, whatever's happened since, and I won't speak of it more, except there was a live-size poster of hisself at the center, and it was just nasty.

But he was real polite, and gave me some folded up clothes, and told me he wanted me to put them on. And I was thinkin' he'd want me to do it there, but he showed me a bathroom where I could change. And it was men's clothes, scruffy like, and over it went this robe. And folded up with 'em was some sheets of paper tellin' me what to do, and some song lyrics. So I came out and found him sittin' at the computer, and there's all this noise, sounds like a war's goin' on.

But the papers told me to go stand on this, well, platform, that was raised up off the floor in one corner o' the room. And when I climbed onto it, it was strange, ya' see, because after awhile I realized it was the outline of one yer states, and had the cities labeled on it, and all; I remember Minneapolis and St. Paul was where I was 'sposed to stand. And after about 2 hours, when I was gettin' pretty tired of standin' there, he finished up whatever he was after on the computer, and then he went and knelt for a while in front of the weird altar thing, and finally he came to where I was after standin' and I thought, here, now we're for it.

And he got on his knees before me and gave me this awful look and started goin' on about all this ****e that sounded like a lotta stuff from a war, about 'rifle squads', and M-10s, and Stuarts, and some ****e that sounded like Nazi stuff about Panzer this and that, and then told me 'how he'd made himself worthy of Victory' and then I was 'sposed to kiss him on the forehead, which I did, and then, every time, he'd begin to weep, and then he'd kiss me feet, and he was way after using his tongue in the process, I can say.

Then he'd look up at me, and go kinda wild, and muss his white hair, and l was 'sposed to pull off the robe and stand there in men's clothes, and he'd look at me and every time he'd scream 'It's Him! The Hated One!' and then he'd moan an scream, and fall on his face and thrash about a'bit, and I was 'sposed to put my boot on his neck and sing a song. Then he'd shudder, and collapse.

After a bit he'd get up, pay me, and tell me what a fine young woman I was. Then he'd go back to the computer mumbling things about people named 'Peng' and 'Mace' and all sorts of stuff, and act like I was invisible, and then I'd leave. He never once put a hand on me in a nasty way, but sometimes he'd make me get down on my knees and pray for 'the Defeat'. I haven't always done right, but after six weeks with him, I went to confession for the first time in 3 years. Truth to tell, I'd rather spend a weeked with Jimmy Swaggert than see him again, for all his posh ways."

So, vile brethren, there you have it. From this, I imagine all can understand why I feel nothing but pity for Lawyer, and laud his victory. The gods know what sort of nightmare might have been visited on the community of Washington DC had I won. Once I understood what was happening, it was all I could do to actually arrange my defeat. It was a near thing. If I'd managed one less squad shot up and routed, I might have accidently won. It doesn't bear thinking upon.

[Seanachai]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrPeng:

I'm beginning to think that MrSlappy should be a serf or something. SIT DOWN PSHAW! Let me finish, then you can start your foaming at the mouth about traditions &cet.

11. He is not a complete bonehead.

XII. He makes people really really mad and he does it from a position of a certain amount of edumacated authority.

4. (this is the next point in my Pengnumertated list) MrSlappy appears to have integrated such concepts as Irony, Bathos, Sarcasm, Satire and Wit into his personality.

(6.02 X 10 to the power of negative 23 {which I cannot in my feeble usage of UBB code make look right even though I have tried many times to figure out how to do a superscript}some of you filthy swine know how to do it. damn you). It might actually be irritating to MrSlappy to be recruited into our little Band of Bastards- The NEW miniseries coming soon to Haitch Bee OH!

So, what do you say laddies and germs? Should we foist serfdom upon MrSlappy? force him to play that Scum Sucking Newbie MrWhacker in a round of JABO!? or Crodaburg? DEMAND that he return with AARs weekly - or even more frequently - Lets hear it for MrSlappy!

Peng!

[ 09-23-2001: Message edited by: MrPeng ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Peng is, except for all the bits that make no fecking sense at all, spot on in this one. Slapdragon has shown up here before, and has always shown himself to be a complete toad who cannot ignore the Peng Challenge Thread.

Anyone who has viewed any of his recent explanatory, 'Welcome to the Combat Mission Forums, and Here's an explanation of " posts, cannot help but notice that the woeful bastard always makes a special allowance/acceptance/explanation of the Peng Challenge Thread. His major failing, to date, is that the stupid sod keeps calling it the Peng Thread, rather than the Peng Challenge Thread. We're not sure if this is some sort of attempt to suck up to Peng, which most all would acknowledge as horribly pointless and sad, or whether he's not yet completely recovered from his 'Near Returning to SSN Status' medical experience, which same mortality bullet he seems to have dodged, gods bless his sorry arse, but which might have left certain scars that even his apparent sarcastic wit and willingness to be called a pillock might not have made him free of.

Many of you might think that sort of sentence structure is easy, but I'm here to tell you it takes the piss right out of a fella.

Now, as regards Slapdragon, I think his ability to annoy (and the gods know, I've seen innumerable posts from people who are willing to cast him as one of Berli's chief mininons, or henchmen, depending on your want) to know that he's probably beyond Serf status.

After all, when was the last time we had a Serf show up with the ability to annoy so many of the Outer Boards' utterly useless pillocks? I think his status as a Squire should be acknowledged, and assigned to the Knight of his choice. Oh, we could attempt to make the useless bastard a Knight by acclaim, but Shaw would just raise a major stink and sight chapter an verse of even our own most obscure posts to prove why it shouldn't, couldn't, mustn't be done, so I say we see if the pillock wants to be a Squire, and acknowledge his standing by letting him choose his own sponsor.

[dalem]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrPeng:

So, what do you say laddies and germs? Should we foist serfdom upon MrSlappy? force him to play that Scum Sucking Newbie MrWhacker in a round of JABO!? or Crodaburg? DEMAND that he return with AARs weekly - or even more frequently - Lets hear it for MrSlappy!

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I say "Yay". I need a frikkin' squire.

[dalem]

Oh, and Lorak!

Please to record the extreme humilification of chrisl.

dalem's Attacking Green Americans: Supreme and Holy Victory!

chrisl's Defending Regular Volksgrenadiers: Utter and Abject Defeat!

And stuff.

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bauhaus:

So shoot me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I normally do not do requests, but in this case...

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Seanachai:

I think his status as a Squire should be acknowledged, and assigned to the Knight of his choice.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Of his choice? Intriguing

[Seanachai]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

Of his choice? Intriguing<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Yes indeed. You cannot treat a bastard of Slapdragon's standing the way you would any other idjit, Member # 12,000, by offering him the right to rake up muck and deposit it at Shaw's place to prove the drains are clean.

The Old Ones must use a certain deft turn in order to compromise and corrupt significant Outer Boarders.

Consider the efforts that went into suborning Steve. To this day he refrains from having most of us shot on sight. Probably our greatest achievement.

Madmatt was mildly easier, if only because the big bald madman was all for this sort of bargee.

Kwazy, of course, is more problematic. He is, after all, Australian, and the Peng Challenge Thread has been a significant mechanism for revealing the truth about Australia, and that has to have left him somewhat mixed in his emotions.

As for Charles...what can one say? He is an enigma, wrapped in a secret, and coated with a sticky sauce that probably takes an expensive dry-cleaning to get out of your clothes. I'd like to think he accepts the horror of the Peng Challenge Thread for what it is, and that the glory and energy of its strange ways help fuel his determination to make CMBB the religion of a new generation. Course, I'd be happy if he just named a Russian tank commander after me, as a sort of 'inexplicable and anomolous artifact' in the next game, and gave a big grin whenever the Peng Challenge Thread was mentioned while the Gang of Four had coffee, and reviewed the utter uselessness of the latest crop of SSNs as a counterpoint to beginning their 'grapefruit and beer' Sunday brunch and Think Tank session regarding the new game.

But then, I've always been a dreamer.

All Hail the Mad Gang of Four! Crack tubes...

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I'm beginning to think that MrSlappy should be a serf or something. SIT DOWN PSHAW! Let me finish, then you can start your foaming at the mouth about traditions &cet.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Why, oh WHY I ask myself ... luckily I rarely remember what the question was so I'm spared the answer.

BUT ... in this case I ask myself why I must continually explain, yea even to the Olde Ones, the simple basic rules of CessPool membership?

Now in the case of Seanachai it's because he's a rebel donchaknow and enjoys flaunting the rules. Luckily (amazing string of luck for me I think you'll agree ... save having to read Seanachai's "why I lost to Lawyer" post of course), the Justicariate is ON to him and no harm will come to the CessPool by HIM I can assure you. In the case of Peng I suspect that it's yet ANOTHER case of alcohol induced amnesia.

SO ... Any Knight of the CessPool may simply announce his (or her) intention to have an SSN made "Serf" and it shall be done. Making a squire requires that a noviate be first a Serf and the sponsoring Knight then requests the boon of Lorak. While it IS contrary to tradition to allow a Squire to choose his Knight (I mean where would we be if every Tom, Dick and (sit DOWN Bauhaus) Lars got the idea that their opinion was of value I ask you), I SUPPOSE that, given the special circumstances of Slapdash we might make an exception ... should Lorak the Lost approve of course.

Joe

[Seanachai]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Fenno:

Having made my notorious entree and having cleared out the the reeking air of the outer board, not to speak about elevating the level of ethnic jokes... ehm not very high but anyway... I felt an inexplicable urge to take a (hopefully short) dip in the putrid sludge of the pool.

Let the confession come out! Silenced by the great bald one I come to thee knowing to be beyond all hope, the words of the poet dead on my lips, an obol in my mouth. But I loathfully spit the piece of nickel, just to see the worthless, salivated piece of metall dug out from between the two last unconnected braincells of Seany, who was foolish enough put his jelly head out from this stench, roll here and end up licked and sucked by you blister-handed wannabe oarsmen.

Hold it! Now let me put my head down - not in awe and most certainly not in respect - but I hear your bowells moving, I can smell the blitz of gastric acid seeking its way out - the sorry excuses of taunts by those two unmentionable ones who should know to loath themselves even more than each other, those unterpoolers (any lower you can't get!) who so tellingly address me not not as sir, but ûber!

[ 09-21-2001: Message edited by: Fenno ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Pah! Your ÜberFinn Masters cannot protect you here, Fenno. Here, all beings stand equal, with no nationalistic extra-bonus 'we need favourable treatment to reveal our true inner hero' status points factored in to the mix to guarantee unearned victories . Here, you're either capable of taunting or you're not, lad, and no one's going to lay a big old cosmic thumb on the scale of your abilities in order to make sure you get the best showing!

Now, while I admire you're spitting out of obscure coinage, and the fact that you had the guts to show up here at all, given that BTS doesn't currently model a 'posting bonus' to certain ethnic groups when entering the Peng Challenge Thread, you have to understand that 'briefly' showing up in here and doing a bit of Tom of Finland posing isn't going to win the war to silence the truth about what a load of half rotted cod the Finns are, nor what a load of foetid dingo's kidneys the Ozzies are.

In a word, lad, if you want to end all that evil bashing of übernations, you have to be in it for the long haul. You have to wake up every morning with the knowledge that before the sun sets, you will have to show up on the Peng Challenge Thread and reaffirm the taunting skills of whatever sad lot of pillocks you've decided to champion that week.

On the Outer Boards you might be able to get by with calls for fair play, and the endless repetition of 'examples' of the gods' direct cuddling of various groups as proof of their 'natural' superiourity. Here, you'd better be willing to prove that superiourity every bloody day by verve, wit, and the ability to amuse us. Otherwise, you're just another whinger.

[Slapdragon]

So here I am, minding my own business, when one of the young anthropolgists calls me frantically on the phone. Seems she was listening to Joan Baez and dreamily flipping through an A.L. Kroeber book about some indian whose brains he cut out, when she decided to read the Peng Thread. (Erp, excuse me, the Peng Challenge thread). Seems I am being talked about or somefink. Well, as soon as I hear this, I assume it is bad. Not to bad, because I am one of the Grogs who defends the Pengers, along with gutless Germanboy Andreas, when a turd starts up a "Lets close the Peng thread " thread.

So anyway, here I am fighting ignorance and idiocy on the main board, facing loonie australians with reading disabilities and children who have borrowed dad's computer and are tired of reading porn, when I get the call,. so I rush over to the muther beuatiful thread or whatever the defectives call it, and almost ****. Yes, I did not write ****e. I did not write sh*t. I wrote the word itself.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do have a soft place in my heart for Pengers. Sort of like I have a soft spot in my heart for orangutangs at the zoo. And if a bunch of Pengers were at the zoo, one would have a difficult time deciding to whom the peanuts should be thrown.

Anyway, I got back on the phone with the anthropologist and got her to put down her Kroeber book by telling her the ending (the Indian died) and explained that I needed the learned help of this wonderful branch of pseudo science. How exactly is it that the Pengers, knowing me for the bastard grog that I am, could ever invite me to the cage so to speak, especially when I have made it part of my life's work to counteract the rot outside of the MBT, but have only darkened its doors to abuse its members and put down new paper when the old paper is soiled.

She at first started with this Deepak Chopra crap, at which point I had to intellectually slap her and ask that she not even attempt to bring up either new age crap, JFK assasination theories, or Loch Ness Monster sightings to me. Once on the right track though, she started to make sense.

It seems that when a member of a civilized culture is familiar enough with the mores and patterns of a primitive culture, and is perceived as benign by the abos, they will sometimes be offered a position in the village, thus normalizing thier cultural position with regards to daily activities. One must be aware that normalizing may mean the same thing to the person normalized as the chicken prepared for dinner, and thus the smart person, without politically correct motives, must keep his service Glock concealed in his native robes, but otherwise it is quite an honor.

So, understanding that I do not come to observe and grok the native Peng culture, but to trample and exploit it, I would accept Knighthood. The question is, which group of you will accept a Grog? Knowing that I must still continue to fight the forces of evil on the outer board in the form of self same deluded Aussies, silly Finns, and borish Americans, plus the occasional tool such as Andreas.

[ 09-24-2001: Message edited by: Slapdragon ]

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Why, oh WHY I ask myself ... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

...would anyone read your posts? Good question. Probably best if you sulk off in a corner somewhere like a good little Justicar and refrain from posting.

Now, to important matters...

Peng,

Did I understand correctly that you might be heading up to Mini Soda? The Old Dolt's Son knows its a bloody wasteland and it might be time for the Old Ones to meet (and drink the verbose one out of his booze)

[mensch]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OGSF:

Pillocks!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

yup Pillocks suck!, not only can a 37mm AT gun take them out through the vision Slits at 600m I think BTS managed to model them wrong in CMBO. And why on earth they have only 20mm concrete frontal protection and 500mm top and back is beyond me, but me thinks they are made to fight gamey players who actually flank attack! and what's up with the Pillock 9mm AA guns on the side!! OSFGKslimygitjimmy you are correct. They are Pillocks.

Please don not respond to this message since it was automaticaly generated by aliens.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>So, understanding that I do not come to observe and grok the native Peng culture, but to trample and exploit it, I would accept Knighthood. The question is, which group of you will accept a Grog?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> A KNIGHTHOOD! Like hell lad! YOU are being proposed (and right glad you should of it too) as a SERF ... at best as the SQUIRE of some downtrodden Knight who has nothing better to do (any NUMBER come to mind). Don't aspire beyond your station lad. As to grogs, the CessPool already has an Official CessPool Grog ... though we've seen damned little of Simon Fox.

The Justicariate of the Peng Challenge Thread will OPPOSE any attempt to automatically elevate SlapHappy to Knighthood. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED SEANACHAI ... none of your Minniesoda Mind Tricks (you know ... the ones that usually begin "Hey what's that over behind you there?")

Joe

{edited (TWICE for Gawd's sake) to remove errors induced by spittle flecked keys ... said spittle resulting from my outrage}

[ 09-24-2001: Message edited by: Joe Shaw ]

[Agua Perdido]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Slapdragon:

I would accept Knighthood.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You'll accept serfdom AND LIKE IT! Speaking of which, I invoke the most-absent

Lorak

of 'Pool tomey-ness and writing-down-of-stuff and generally keeping-track-of-things in the Mutha Beautiful Thread. I announce my complete and utter topplement of Goanna, the scaly and pummeled unterlizard, ground and grilled in my Kitchen of Ultimate CM Vengeance.

Please record in the sacred pages of the Holy Writ (ie, the fly-leaf of a rather dog-eared paperback copy of William Shakespeare's Gay Boys in Bondage):

Agua Perdido: Win

Goanna: Not-a-win

My frontal-assaulting attritionistas secured ultimate victory, while my dissident maneuverist elements did f*ck-all (one flanking force wiped out, the other never made it to the main action). My victory is, of course, totally attributable to the fact that FORTUNE FAVORS ME. Yes, the random troop quality gave me a band of fearless, steely-eyed killers, while Goanna's rabble of bed-wetting Cub Scouts fled from their own shadows and died in droves from apoplexy. Sod skill and tactics--a win by coin-flip is the most laudable kind in the 'Pool (except for triumph by rock-paper-scissors).

No UPDATES this morning because I had a quite nice weekend and went to the park and played miniature golf and had an ice cream sandwich and just couldn't find it in myself to hate you all enough for another round of turns. Except for Croda (the useless bastard), but it's his turn in that game.

Agua Perdido

[Slapdragon]

Shaw and Perdido, you forget that like all social workers looking in on a troubled family, I remain above the fray. I think Elijah Meeks already made me a knight a long time ago, which of course is similar to being made a toilet attendant in a bus station by a drunk, but one must accept the obligation of nobles on that one and respect a handicapped one like Meeks.

So, while I harbor a great deal of respect for the Gitdom of Peng, I am willing to settle for less than a Barony or Dukedom that I deserve, merely a knighthood. Afterall, when the great white hunter steps off his custom Range Rover to hunt the wild and nearly extinct creature of Africa he doesn't tote about his own belongings, he has the fellow in kahki tote them for him.

So, I will continue to defend Pengdom outside its boundaries like a good quasi liberal do gooder should (perhaps starting a save the wild cess organization and pocketing 98% of the proceeds as overhead) while you functionaries bicker over my laurals and awards.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Oh WELL done Seanachai, now the fool is posting regularly here ... there'll be an accounting Seanachai, never fear: Shaw and Perdido, you forget that like all social workers looking in on a

troubled family, I remain above the fray.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Socially diseased perhaps ... and in truth I can't blame you (except for your delusions of grandeur) ... I CAN AND DO blame that fool Seanachai for his ANTI-CESSPUDLIAN tactics. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I think Elijah Meeks already made me a knight a long time ago,<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> As if Meeks could make his mark ("X" IIRC), let along a Knight. There are procedures and rules here laddy me lad, wheels within wheels so to speak of which you know NOTHING. In other words ... shut the hell up and let your betters (which at this point in time includes creatures such as Panzer Leader ... hey I never said it was fair) sort it out. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>So, I will continue to defend Pengdom outside its boundaries like a good quasi liberal do gooder should (perhaps starting a save the wild cess organization and pocketing 98% of the proceeds as overhead) while you

functionaries bicker over my laurals and awards.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> All right thinking people defend and support Pengdom, but you are on the right track. Were you to post here on a regular basis I TOO would support your elevation to Serfdom ... you see, though I am called the Hammer of the CessPool I TOO have a forgiving side. Why just the other day I forgave a poor Serf who was ... under investigation ... for bleeding on my hip waders, I'm a caring kind of guy and appreciate your efforts.

I particularly liked the 98% racke ... uhhhh ... fee and think we might be able to work out an accomodation. BUT ... you must be judged worthy of the CessPool and the accepted procedure for that is an apprenticeship as Serf then as Squire. Don't be looking for any awards beyond the BOOT at this point.

Joe

[imported_Hiram Sedai]

Mr. Slapdragon, please pay no mind to Joe Shmoe. He just needs a girlfriend. You go and do whatever you do out there. We thank you for defending us against decency, logic, common sense, and basic hygiene. In the common vernacular, I would encourage you to "go with your bad self".

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Mr. Slapdragon, please pay no mind to Joe Shmoe. He just needs a girlfriend. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Well DUH! That's exactly what I keep telling my wife but she's got this silly "marriage" thing going. Women!

BUT ... Slaphappy would be well warned to take heed of the Justicariate of the Peng Challenge Thread ... not to mention the Drain Commission. Speaking of which, how's the water level in YOUR area Hiram? Let us know when it gets up to your lower lip and we'll think about sending someone out.

Joe

[David Aitken]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Jo Sha wrote:

As if Meeks could make his mark ("X" IIRC)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Elijah Meex. How about LIJ-MEEX, in the J-LO vein. And I shall heretofore be known as 8-KEN.

PBEM Report Just for the sake of saying something CM-related for once...

I am playing Loir loir bum's on foir in Germanboy's atrocity To The Last Man. So far we have spent 17-odd turns tentatively ordering our men to do things which we vaguely suspect might be beneficial, and sitting back and watching them die. There is a ring of Jake's ex-armour around the town, and what men we have left are cowering in the ruins and hoping not to be incinerated. If I hadn't already sworn off CM, this scenario would make me a pacifist for sure.

[dalem]

Blah blah blah "too weak" blah blah blah "gamey" blah blah "too strong" blah blah blah "wish list" blah blah blah "weird luck" blah blah blah "what is Peng" blah blah blah "blah blah blah"......

[Slapdragon]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dalem:

Blah blah blah "too weak" blah blah blah "gamey" blah blah "too strong" blah blah blah "wish list" blah blah blah "weird luck" blah blah blah "what is Peng" blah blah blah "blah blah blah"......<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Ah dalem, just my problem. If a major diety where to give the forum an enema, I am not so sure that the enema hose would go into the Peng Challenge Thread, no matter what the smell.

[dalem]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Slapdragon:

Ah dalem, just my problem. If a major diety where to give the forum an enema, I am not so sure that the enema hose would go into the Peng Challenge Thread, no matter what the smell.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Speaking of enema hoses, I have resolved to beat any future squires of mine with only the unused ones. He or she, however, will have to fashion a costume for himself out of used ones.

[Mace]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dalem:

Speaking of enema hoses, I have resolved to beat any future squires of mine with only the unused ones. He or she, however, will have to fashion a costume for himself out of used ones.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Consideration for others, kindness, wisdom and friendliness. These are some of the words that come to my mind reading Dalem's post.

Dalem, spare the rod, spoil the squire, that's what I always say.

Interesting to also see that Slapdragon is testing the waters of the MBT by making numerous posts. Sorry but we dont have a frequent post scheme here, so you may be wasting your time (but then again....).

Mace

[Moriarty]

I thought we already kaniggeted a grog ... Simone Fox, the chiffon-wearing Aussie.

Isn't there a quota/bounty on them?

[ 09-24-2001: Message edited by: Moriarty ]

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I thought we already kaniggeted a grog ... Simone Fox, the chiffon-wearing Aussie.

Isn't there a quota/bounty on them?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> As much as it pains me to have to agree with Moriarty (except on the subject of what an utter piece of ****e that snow scenario MrSpkr foisted off on us is), I am forced to agree on the pre-emptive Knighting of grogs.

Look what happened the LAST time Seanachai rammed his "vision" of a new member through. We were harangued for DAYS about what a stellar fellow Simon Fox was and what an asset to the CessPool he would be ... WHERE IS HE? After all of that he's nowhere to be seen.

My friends the LAST thing we need around here is another AWOL Knight. We set up the Serf and Squire system to ensure that an applicant was worth our time and wouldn't run away at the first taunt. But just as importantly we need to know that a Knight is willing to put in the hard hours needed to be a TRUE Knight of the CessPool. Now everyone has a right to be absent for a time, but Simon Fox hasn't shown up since the day he was frocked as CessPool Grog.

I'm afraid that we're getting periously close to {shudder} recruiting again. Now Slap n' Drag 'em sounds promising. He might well have that elusive something that makes a good CessPooler. BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME TO FIND OUT! Make him a Serf by all means, see if some Knight picks him from the rubbish and chooses him for Squire. See if he posts like a TRUE CessPooler for a while and then (after the five games required of a Squire) I'll be the first to welcome him into the fold (no Mace it's just a figure of speech, no he wouldn't be joining YOUR fold ... easy old man, no need for tears, there, there).

Joe