Moral dilemma

[Affentitten]

We're friends with a couple. The wife wants to get a divorce. She's preparing the ground in secret. Is it wrong for me to help her out (she's not a native English speaker and needs translation help) while not telling the hubby anything?

[costard]

Morally, you're only obliged to answer truthfully about the situation if asked; you're not required to forewarn the husband. If you're uncomfortable providing the help, you should probably limit it to pointing the way to a useful lawyer, or urging a more open approach: no-one likes to be ambushed. Don't kid yourself about where you stand in the fight - take a side or get the hell out.

[my 2 cents]

[dieseltaylor]

Your help should be limited to finding someone else to do the assistance unless you think the husband deserves a divorce - even then it is wiser to distance oneself. The husband will otherwise hold you responsible and who knows how that would play out.

You do not mention if your wife is aware of the situation and what her view is, or would be. That is a major consideration.

[Michael Emrys]

...even then it is wiser to distance oneself. The husband will otherwise hold you responsible and who knows how that would play out.

Amen. Do NOT expect the husband to behave rationally in this circumstance, no matter how simon pure your motives may be.

You do not mention if your wife is aware of the situation and what her view is, or would be. That is a major consideration.

Hoo boy! Did you ever say a mouthful there! You definitely don't want your old lady getting on your case on top of all the other problems that could arise. This situation is a potential tar baby of the first order and a great opportunity to make a whole host of enemies fast. If I were you, I would disengage as rapidly as is decent.

Michael

[JonS]

And don't sleep with her either. That really would be wrong.

Same applies to the husband.

[Affentitten]

My Mrs is on board. It was her who asked me to help out the mutual friend with a bit of the interpreting. The lady in question's hubby is a prime twat. But I am uncomfortable with the secrecy side of things. It's not like she can divorce him without him finding out about it anyway.

[Lt Belenko]

In America there things like: Dr Phil, Dear Abby and Dr Laura for questions like this. Around these parts (BFC land) lets try to keep the questions limited it to:

Who's grass mod is that?

What about the Bren tripod?

How much butter and garlic does one use when cooking a Space Lobster of Doom?

[gunnergoz]

From a somewhat similar experience of my own, all I can say is that if you get involved, you will forever be on one side or the other, with all that implies. If your wife is on board with you and sympathetic to this woman who seeks the divorce, it will be easier for you to ride through the sh!tstorm that is bound to follow. As for the secrecy, it is never pleasant to compartmentalize your life (you have to start remembering whom you told what to, or not) but sometimes that is necessary to protect the property (or even safety) of someone, particularly when their partner might go rogue on them. Women can be very vulnerable at such times and can use all the help they can get. But it has to be wholehearted, We're On Your Side type of support, not just Fix and Run for cover. Perhaps that's the most important thing I want to say - if you are going to help this woman, do so all the way, and not just part way. She doesn't need the latter kind of help.

[dieseltaylor]

Wise words gunnergoz.

[dieseltaylor]

http://wheelof.com/whitney/whitneyCarol.swf

[Stalins Organ]

IMO getting on one side or the other is usually not a choice you get to make - it depends on how the 2 parties see you and what they decide you are so there's a good chance are the husband will get a shirt on with you anyway due to your wife's friendship with the woman.

my sister's ex used to be a good friend until she walked out...then our whole family & her friends all became evil incarnate as far as he was concerned, despite a great deal of sympathy for him.......that 2-faced behaviour turned out to be why she left only we had never seen it!!

So I'd say go for it - might as well help the woman & get some kudos for doing good where you can, because you are probably going to get brown sticky stuff from the other side anyway.

[Affentitten]

So I'd say go for it - might as well help the woman & get some kudos for doing good where you can, because you are probably going to get brown sticky stuff from the other side anyway.

That's what I figure. If you're going to get in the **** anyway you may as well choose which side's throwing it at you.

[Thomm]

Does the couple have children?

Best regards,

Thomm

[dieseltaylor]

Thomm, just struck me that it goes:

Does he have children

Do they have children

Do the couple have children

So it seems if more than one is involved it is "do" rather than "does". I only mention it as your English is normally excellent. I accept it just may have been a slip of the fingers : )

[Michael Emrys]

The question then becomes is the noun 'couple' singular or plural. Hmmm. Even though it refers to a multiple quantity, it can also be read as a unity: one couple. Two couples being four individuals, and so on. I think I too would go with "Does the couple..." "Do they..." is of course perfectly correct.

Michael

[Thomm]

I only mention it as your English is normally excellent.

You notice the quality of my English? I guess it is time to double-check my post count!

Back to the topic:

USAGE NOTE When used to refer to two people who function socially as a unit, as in a married couple, the word couple may take either a singular or a plural verb, depending on whether the members are considered individually or collectively: The couple were married last week. Only one couple was left on the dance floor. When a pronoun follows, they and their are more common than it and its: The couple decided to spend their (less commonly its) vacation in Florida. Using a singular verb and a plural pronoun, as in The couple wants their children to go to college, is widely considered to be incorrect. Care should be taken that the verb and pronoun agree in number: The couple want their children to go to college.

Interesting, to say the least!

Thanks for pointing it out!

Best regards,

Thomm

[dieseltaylor]

Funnily enough my wife favours the "does" version. However as she in to business jargon I say that proves my point : ). The shorter DO is better than DOES. SHe always writes too lengthily for my taste.

She maintains that does always applies to a couple.HAh!

The couple do want their children to go to college.

The couple does want their children to go to college

oooh icky speech

I actually have a finer shading - to my mind DO is asking if they have children together. DOES in this instance could also be asking if between them they have had children which may be had with other partners. So in fact I am reading something from DO that is not explicit.!!!

[Affentitten]

This sort of confusion often happens when we discuss singualr entities that are made up of components. You see it often with companies. General Motors has/have a factory at Bedrock, Michigan.

[Michael Emrys]

I remember reading once that it wasn't until after the ACW that the British switched from writing "...the United States are..." to "...the United States is...". I don't know if that is true or not, but it remains an interesting observation nevertheless.

Michael

[dieseltaylor]

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Divorce-lawyers-Facebook-tops-apf-97414753.html?x=0

May be worth checking that any on-line activities are favourable to "your" side, and hte converse for the spouse. : )

[vincere]

Who can truely judge somebody else's relationship.

Ha she considered options to open a dialogue with hubby before pressing the nuke option of a divorce? Couple counselling, mediation? Help for any problems he may be having?

Divorce by ambush is is morally questionable in the least, unless of course her safety is at risk. For example, one party clearing out bank accounts, putting bills and debts in other's name.

I would encourage them to explore some way of communicating openly either on their own or with support. Most realtionships will have difficult periods.

2 cents done.

[Affentitten]

I believe this is actually the second "bad period". The first time round she did try relationship counselling but he walked out BECAUSE IT WAS ALL HER ****ING FAULT. HE DIDN'T HAVE A PROBLEM. SHE DID!

As you say, we can't judge anybody else's relationship. There is the potential for a violent reaction there on his part though, and I think this is why she's trying to be stealthy about getting her ground prepared.

[dieseltaylor]

Well I would have to agree that the woman is always at fault but husbands know that implicitly. If he feels he needs to tell her then the relationship is obviously shot!

Marriages can be poisonous if the love/trust has gone so I am a great fan of calling it quits early rather than struggling on. I am not talking here just about everyday problems couples can have but without love/trust there is nothing to help them through the fundamental problems.

My own theory is that, and bear with me, is that providing your wife with romcoms - both literature and films to watcgh together gets the oxytocin working. Sex is more fun but women can be a bit funny if this is the only technique you have!

This will not be 100% successful .

Way too big a subject for less than a book if talking in generalities. !!

[mike_the_wino]

And don't sleep with her either. That really would be wrong.

Unless your wife fancies her as well and then it would be aaallll riiiiiight.

wink, wink, nudge, nudge

[Stalins Organ]

You could stay awake with her tho......