If Peng Challenges No One In The Forest, Will He Still Lose?

[MrSpkr]

MrSpkr stretches and yawns.

MrSpkr: "Cripes, another Monday. And I see the last two posts were from TweedleDee and TweedleDum. Hmm. No wonder the Muthah Beautiful has fallen to the bottom of the page - I really don't favor following their dog act either. Oh well, at least this starts a new page."

MrSpkr approaches a well worn table and chair, pulls out a quill, and begins writing on a yellowed parchment.

[ 07-02-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]

[Agua Perdido]

Ah, another fine morning o' Cess. Let's get right into the

UPDATES!

It's been a busy weekend chez Perdido, what with having to lose stevetherat's turn and put the budgie down (I still haven't decided between hitting it with the book or shooting it, just there [indicates spot between eyes]).

Anyhow, Seanachai's cheating, code-hacked, utterly-rigged map (on which all his defenders are ambushing from reverse-slope positions (sometimes from several directions at once)) is finally proving to be his undoing. My Hetzer from Hell found a nice hull-down spot on the edge of the map (which I've been hugging in a very sporting, totally fair, utterly historical fashion), and has KO'd two 6lbers and two Cromwells over the last few turns. It is ready to wreak further vengeance with its last two rounds of HE. My battered infantry force is closing in from all directions (after marching for nearly 20 turns to get in his rear--Bauhaus, please; even you can't be interested in such an obvious one), and it's become a race to see if I can blast my way to the VLs before the clock runs out.

Goanna keeps sending me gamey .zip files, in spite of the fact that we're both on Macs. What are you, a Communist? Send me Stuffit archives, like Seanachai does (when he remembers to take his medication, that is--he even color-codes the icons in happy pastel hues)! Oh, yeah, Goanna's defending in a night/snow, zero-LOS, hide-and-go-dead kind of game. Have I mentioned recently how much I hate snow? I HATE SNOW. Fortunately for Goanna, I hate him even more, and I'm going to peel his defenders apart with a dull butter knife, one scale at a time.

Whither the Whuppin' Boy? DekeFentle, for all his absence here, is still a loathsome, gamey bastiche. Recall his June '44 setup, demanding "no ubers" (as if, when all the US has are vanilla 75mm Shermans and M10s). So far I've run across two Veteran 88 pillboxes and (of course) motorized infantry. I'm smoking like R.J. Reynolds incarnate, and hoping to give his crews emphysema.

Oh, and Terence (no bolding for SSNs, although if he posts more consistently, I'd be willing to nominate him as a Serf) has managed to get through the first turn of Guns of Navarone, Mouse's surprisingly manageable mini-adaptation of Crodabu-- (BLEEARRRGH.. ugh, sorry, shoulda known better than to type that word...). He's blowing up nicely, and I haven't heard from him since.

Speaking of Croda, whatever happened to that old, brainless prat? Is he still off FPSing and "WOOT!"ing around like an ADHD-addled twelve-year-old? Someone send him some Ritalin so he can finish losing our game and I can clear it off the books.

Agua Perdido

[Edited because someones needs to send me some Ritalin, too. Or crack. Crack would be good. Maybe some crystal Meth? No-Doz? Heck, I'd settle for some Sudafed at this point.]

[ 07-02-2001: Message edited by: Agua Perdido ]

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Goanna posted thusly, as if we believe ANYTHING he says: Unfortunately JoeBlow the automatic bull**** detector and alternative religion filter here in the land-o-sand must be screening your attempts, even when routed through my otherwise infallible Australian ISP, as I have received excactly zippo from Utah.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> You LIE sir ... of course we've come to expect that of you. Well, laddy me lad, I've sent the damned thing AGAIN, and to both ISPs to boot. Kindly advise if you either receive or not. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Perhaps if you state quite clearly and emphatically in your e-mail profile that you do not regularly attend mass and are not even sure who a certain Mr. Smith and Mr. Young are, your mail will be given a pass. Berli and some of that lot (rot?) have had better luck getting through, but then his sort of creeping evil always finds a way, doesn't it?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Actually I'm not sure what they call their religious services, they're not Jewish but they have temples, they have "Jesus Christ" in their official name but they don't believe in the symbol of the cross, they have Bishops but they are LAY bishops, they believe in Christ but believe that he visited and ministered to the New World as well as the old ... it's all very confusing and I've lived here for 30 years. Mind you most of them are very nice people ... and then there's our Official Utah State Pornography Czar ... who's a twenty-something lass who proudly states that she's a virgin. Living in Utah does require ... a sense of humor. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>If all else fails, perhaps I can be persuaded to pillage SLC on my next raid of the US and finish our little dosh via direct connection.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Oh sure, that's what you say NOW. Of course when afforded of the opportunity earlier you declined ... mind you from what I've heard that's something I should hope continues.

There is no God but Allah and Goanna is his lizard.

Joe

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Mind you most of them are very nice people ... and then there's our Official Utah State Pornography Czar ... who's a twenty-something lass who proudly states that she's a virgin. Living in Utah does require ... a sense of humor.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Actually (proving that truth is stranger than fiction), Paula Houston (the Porn Czar of Utah) is in her early forties and a virgin.

Weird.

She does look like a direct descendant of some of the Mormon Wives™, though.

[ 07-02-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]

[Agua Perdido]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

[The horror that is Middle-Aged Mormon Virgins mercifully deleted]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Ahhhh! My eyes!

[Speedbump]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

[QB]

Actually (proving that truth is stranger than fiction), Paula Houston (the Porn Czar of Utah) is in her early forties and a virgin.

[QB]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Joe or Spnkr, what the hell is a "Porn Czar"? Is it good or bad to be one?

Speedbump

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Actually (proving that truth is stranger than fiction), Paula Houston (the

Porn Czar of Utah) is in her early forties and a virgin.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Oh I never claimed it was fiction, though I got the age wrong. It IS an interesting place to live, at one point one of our local communities ruled that you couldn't go into a convenience store and buy just ONE beer, as that was proof positive that you would be drinking it in the car ... as a result, of course, people had to buy an entire six pack and get REALLY blasted ... of course in Utah you're limited to buying 3.2 beer so ...

But enough about me, let's talk about you ... not YOU MrSpkr, NO ONE wants to talk about you. I want to talk about:

Mace ... why hasn't he surrendered? I have the lone VL, the only way TO the lone VL is through the withering fire of my crack troops, his heavy weapons have been eleminated or rendered useless, I suspect he's waiting for me to do my usual something stupid to give him the game. Is that any way to win?

jd has forced me into playing another game ... like an idiot I chose another Rune abortion ... I'll probably lose this one just for that.

Seanachai blessed me with a QB setup ... mind you HE'S attacking ... on a LARGE map with broken LOS ... and I have 1500 points to defend and, of course, I have the Germans so my range advantage is negated. He does have SOME honor, however, he didn't make it at night ... probably so his artillery has a target. It's really sad when someone has to stack the deck in order to win but with Seanachai ...

Bauhaus is becoming positively disgusting with his gloating and preening. He had, of course, the one greatest turn in CM history in which he lost ZERO tanks and I lost 6 or so ... and we started the turn with roughly equal numbers. You'd think his success was due to his skill ... yeah right {snicker}. But I'll not give him the satisfaction of surrendering, he'll have to pry my infantry away from the VLs.

Dalem has informally agreed to a rematch so that I can salvage my self-respect (okay, okay, work with me on this one, I'm trying to make a point) by losing to him but he's not favored me with a setup.

Mensch is still engaged with Real-Life and our game is in hiatus ... or halitosis, whatever.

Hakko Ichiu continues to dribble his turns to me in the Game in the Snow that Never Ends ... the game that is, it's not actually snowing but the white stuff is still everywhere.

I owe turns to Mace, jd, Seanachai and Bauhaus ... I need turns from everyone else.

Joe

As to the "Porn Czar" question. I WON'T repeat my own personal motto about pornography as I've posted it before and NO ONE seemed to appreciate it ... no, no, my mind is made up ... NO, I said I won't ... Oh, well, if you INSIST then:

There's nothing wrong with a little pornography as long as you don't have a little pornograph.

[ 07-02-2001: Message edited by: Joe Shaw ]

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Speedbump:

Joe or Spnkr, what the hell is a "Porn Czar"? Is it good or bad to be one?

Speedbump<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Contemplating a career move, Speedbump? Don't do it -- its not what you think. The position is 'Porn CZar', not 'Porn STar' (though I hope and pray you never come within a hundred miles of being a porn actor).

Anyway, as I understand it, your job is to review the pornography and make sure to keep it out of the hands of kids or somefink. She also hands out decisions on whether a mannequin is obscene (I guess it depends on what you do with it), bans on adult sex toys, what constitutes a hardcore movie, etc.

Then again, Speedbump, given your ritual Weekend evening activities, you might just possess the um, expertise necessary for this job.

Interestingly, Ms. Houston 'immediately applied' for the job the moment it was announced. She has also been described as a prosecutor 'who cut her teeth on pornography cases.'

You be the judge. Frankly, I don't know if I would WANT someone to serve as 'Porn Czar' if they 'immediately applied'.

[Mr. Johnson--]

hehehe, well said MrSpkr.

I feel sorry for the women of the world who can not buy a super high RPM toy made in Taiwain without be treated like a child molester. What would our wives and girlfriends do without them?

In honor of Stalin's Organ honorable attempt to attack my dug in veteran troops in Rune's latest scenario. I pledge to not allow any of my soldiers spill a drop of Stalin's Blood. Instead after we defeat him and drag him out of the bloody ditch he was hiding we will sew him into a large sack and stomp him to death with horses.

[dalem]

Wow. So many obvious targets.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>

Actually (proving that truth is stranger than fiction), Paula Houston (the Porn Czar of Utah) is in her early forties and a virgin.

Weird.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Actually, from that picture I find it very easy to believe she is a virgin.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>

Speedyhump asked:

Joe or Spnkr, what the hell is a "Porn Czar"? Is it good or bad to be one?

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

In my book, a Porn Czar is someone who can tell you the difference between a Joey Silvera and a Jake Steed, and why you would be comparing them in the first place.

And of course it is good to be the Porn Czar, otherwise my friends have been insulting me for years, and I can't believe they'd do that.

And I will soon be posting wins in some games and losses in others, and I will projectile vomit a setup in Josie and the Shawcats' direction soon.

And just remember the Fat Albert was the baddest BuckBuck breaker in the world.

[Panzer Leader]

What kind of books do you read. Dalem?

Edited because I found the previous post way to open to interpretation.

By the way, this has got to be the stupidest thread title the Mutha B has ever been cursed to wear.

[ 07-02-2001: Message edited by: Panzer Leader ]

[ 07-02-2001: Message edited by: Panzer Leader ]

[Lars]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

early forties and a virgin.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Who’d a thunk it.

MrSpkr, if your going to post pictures like that here, give us a little heads-up and please proceed them with a ”Blind Date Spoiler Alert”.

In other matters, Mouse has not even come close to living up to his chosen nickname of “Panzer Leader”. He has, however, lived up to his reputation for incompetence. Three AFV’s in flames in one turn (One a King Tiger – neener, neener, neener). The fourth is currently being boresighted in a totally gamey, cheating bastard way and will join the rest real soon now. Maybe “Panzer Deleter” would be a better moniker? As his assault hasn’t even started, it is to laugh.

Now as for Iskander, I hates him. I hates him lots. Not only is he doing to me what I’m doing to Mouse, but he seems to have a better stocked bar.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Who’d a thunk it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Who is this Yaws chap and how did he get a game with a CessPooler (granted it was only Iskander but still)? And furthermore, he's from Minnesota! Do we really want another ... one of THOSE kind around here?

All my turns are out and I am right with the world again ... well ... within reason that is.

Joe

[Lars]

As opposed to a Mortgage Banker?

As my dear old Dad says “If you ever get a chance to screw over a Banker, DO IT!”

[ 07-02-2001: Message edited by: Lars ]

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lars:

As opposed to a Mortgage Banker?

As my dear old Dad says “If you ever get a chance to screw over a Banker, DO IT!”

[ 07-02-2001: Message edited by: Lars ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You have sex on top of bankers? Isn't that a bit . . . disconcerting?

[dalem]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Panzer Leader:

What kind of books do you read. Dalem?

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'll treat this as a serious question 'cuz I can't find a hook to hang a taunt on. Left to my own devices I will read sci fi and some few select fantasy authors, plus lots of astronomy, physics, paleontology and evolutionary biology. As a general rule I will read anything that anyone feels strongly enough about to recommend to me - any subject.

And of course history - I've been hitting a plateau with WWII readings (my main focus) the last few years so have been trying to work my way backwards through history via big wars. But big wars are often hand-in-hand with small wars and then there's geopolitics and economics... gack! There's too much to know! And those knobby-kneed Europeans and their 2000 years of King so-and-so and Holy Roman whatsis and the Dutch with an empire - the Dutch?!? And then someone in my gaming group says "tonight we're doing the decisive battle in the War of Spanish Succession" and I burst into tears because I'd never even heard of the War of Spanish Succession and they're all pointing and laughing and I haven't even scratched the surface of the Far East and what about all the rest that I'm leaving out and --

At that point I spend a week reading comic books to calm down.

[ 07-02-2001: Message edited by: dalem ]

[Marlow]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dalem:

"tonight we're doing the decisive battle in the War of Spanish Succession" <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Would that be the Battle of Blenheim or the Battle of Malplaquet?

[ 07-02-2001: Message edited by: Marlow ]

[Lars]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

You have sex on top of bankers? Isn't that a bit . . . disconcerting?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Many retorts come to mind, but in the interest of more class, less crass, I’m not even going there.

[Iskander]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Who is this Yaws chap and how did he get a game with a CessPooler (granted it was only Iskander but still)? And furthermore, he's from Minnesota! Do we really want another ... one of THOSE kind around here?

Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

If it ticks you off, it makes me happy....

'Sides, the SSN & I are hewing to the Iskander-Lawyer Rules of Play: three drink minimum before you plot orders; really gives you something to look forward to on the drive home.

---and yes, Lard, I do have a better stocked bar than you... probably than anyone here, actually... that's my Cesspuglian job: town drunk.

[dalem]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Marlowbrow:

Would that be the Battle of Blenheim or the Battle of Malplaquet?

[ 07-02-2001: Message edited by: Marlowbrow ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

[through tears]

I hate you, you know...

[jshandorf]

Dear Opponenets, (A.k.a Scum sucking nerf herders)

As I know many of you have been expecting turns from me, so... fear not! They will be going out tonight. And I know my turns bring about as much happines and joy into your lives as your turns bring me pain I haven't felt since my doctor splintered the specimen stick in my uretha and I peed blood for a week.

Cheers!

Jeff

[Speedbump]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jshandorf:

...pain I haven't felt since my doctor splintered the specimen stick in my uretha and I peed blood for a week.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

*Cringe!*

Speedbump

[Joe Shaw]

Lard! I like that, I shall continue to use that until (or to be more accurate, IF) he becomes a member of the 'pool and is worthy to have his handle spelled correctly and bolded. Based upon the quality of his posts to date I think that is UNLIKELY to occur.

I'm beginning to suspect, however, that he was ... I hesitate to say ... recruited? Surely no one in this august (even though it's only July) body would actually go so far as to ASK someone to enter here would they? We have our standards, fellow 'poolers, and I must remind all that one gains admittance to the CessPool ONLY through the strength of their own virtues (or faults in the case of Berli). Let's not be INVITING participation lads, it looks bad on the outerboards.

Finally, I note with dismay that Lard has not received even a smidgen of the scorn given (with great justification) to the other SSNs such as Stall in Oregon and Missed Her Johnson. Now granted, when placed against those two stellar specimens, Lard is easy to miss, but damnit chaps, WE HAVE STANDARDS TO MAINTAIN.

Therefore, allow me to start, {ahem}:

Lard ... you're a moron (I've always felt it was best to start with the obvious and work up from there. I've no doubt that Lard will, eventually, post SOMETHING that captures our interest long enough to stay awake and make our job easier.)

Finally I'd like to thank jshandorf for posting something that actually made me smile on a very depressing day when he stated: <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> ... pain I haven't felt since my doctor splintered the specimen stick in my uretha and I peed blood for a week.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Joe

[Stalin's Organ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lars:

Many retorts come to mind, but in the interest of more class, less crass, I’m not even going there.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Merely repeating the original was bad enough yuo fool!

Here's an idea - in the interests of more class less crap, why don't you go away...you rmember what that is - like back at school when no-one would play with you and yuo sat in the corner all alone? Well go back to that corner......and endure your miserable pointless life alone.

It's a crock that misery likes company!

[Lars]

A few recent quotes:

Iskander:

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I do have a better stocked bar than you... probably than anyone here, actually...

that's my Cesspuglian job: town drunk.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

And they certainly picked an overqualified individual. Now I know why you are a Kniggit. Since allowing booze to age one day longer than necessary would be pointless, I just finish the bottle the same day. I must learn patience. The following people are trying to help.

Mr. Johnson:

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I feel … like a child molester.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Mr. Johnson, see below.

Joe Shaw:

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I've always felt it was best to start with the obvious and work up from there<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

At least you know where to start. Please see Mr. Johnson.

Stalin’s Infected Pecker:

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Drip. Drip. Drip.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

[ 07-02-2001: Message edited by: Lars ]