I Saw a Beast Rise Up Out of the Sea, and Upon His Heads the Name of Peng Challenge

[David Aitken]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Stuka wrote:

*Silly thing to say but the poor things heart was obviously racing and it was the best she could come up with*<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I think she meant to say "wanking", but corrected herself when she remembered that lowlifes like you keep her in a job.

[Mace]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Stuka:

Anyhoos, the moral of the story is, if you can't be arsed carrying your own beer and would rather the attendant pick it up off the pallet, carry it to the counter and then to your car for you, just slip your arm in a sling.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I just can't see it working with the blokes at my local drive-through bottle-shop.

Mace

[Mace]

btw, in the name of the Holy thesaurus of Seanachai, will our recent allotment of scum, SSNs and recently indocrinated Kannigits please submit their photos to Lorak for posting to the royal records.

Mace

[BFCElvis]

David...perhaps English was not studied in my childhood home as much as math..does that make me a freak!!!

Wildman ..go ahead send me a setup..just rmemeber not to number.

Emma You have always been sweet and funny and nice and I would number a game with you.

[Stalin's Organ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Elvis:

David...perhaps English was not studied in my childhood home as much as math..does that make me a freak!!!

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

No, not at all.

What makes you a freak is that you are a freak.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>btw, in the name of the Holy thesaurus of Seanachai, will our recent allotment of scum, SSNs and recently indocrinated Kannigits please submit their photos to Lorak for posting to the royal records.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Mace, what in the HELL is the matter with you? Opps, sorry, I think the lawyers would call that "asked and answered". Why, pray tell Oh Great Ozzie Goof, would we want the photos of SSNs on the pages reserved for Knights and Squires?

You want to be careful there MATE, you may be the next one in the sights of The Prosecutor and Protector of The One The True CessPool.

Joe

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

You want to be careful there MATE, you may be the next one in the sights of The Prosecutor and Protector of The One The True CessPool.[/QB]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

No one expects the 'Poolian Inquisition!

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>No one expects the 'Poolian Inquisition!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Our chief weapon is Surprise ... Surprise and ...

Joe

[Stuka]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Our chief weapon is Surprise ... Surprise and ...

Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

inappropriate touching!

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>inappropriate touching!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Right, Our TWO weapons are Surprise and Innapropriate Touching ... and ...

Joe

[imported_Wildman]

the stench...

[Seanachai]

People of the Peng Challenge, I come before you tonight a man much puzzled, much tried, a man, in a word, with much on his mind. Now, for many of you I know that last is a state you will never achieve. You will never suffer the stress of a multitude of thoughts competing for your attention, nor the viscitudes of having to weigh one thought against another, as the scale of your intellect has only one arm, and 'mental balance' means to many of you 'thinking very hard about the best way to walk home dead drunk without falling over'.

Now, since my all but complete exoneration by that pillar of the Peng Challenge Community, the Brehon judge, Lorak the Loathed, I have felt pride over my vindication, and yet have heard the rumblings of doubt from amongst the folk.

These rumblings have touched my consciousness. I am a sensitive man. And I am a man with a sense of duty. For my part in the Peng Challenge, I look upon most of you as the children I was never given the responsibility for of drowning at birth. And I feel that responsibility keenly.

So, I have spent many an evening, lately, reviewing my actions towards all of you, and my duties within the glory that is the Peng Challenge Thread. My doubts and self analysis have been spurred on by a recent encounter on the Outer Boards, where a great many utterly useless ****es were debating a topic that you'd have thought even a goddamn hyaena wouldn't have the stomach to return to for another nibble, and I latched upon a lad whose views I thought vulgar and vulnerable, and proceeded to lash him about the head and shoulders with my swagger stick (Good Christ, Bauhaus, don't just sit down, crawl under the desk, you monster! That's simply not on, nor what I meant at all, and not even possible, you troubled little toad!)

His name among us on the forum is R_Leet. Yes, I know it's an awful, useless monicker. But the point I wish to make is, that he was a right good lad, and emailed me to point out what a vicious old bastard I'd been, and to point out the fact that we were, in fact, in complete agreeement. And he did it in such a very nice way, that it was more hideously effective than if he'd called me horrible names, thrown battery acid on me at a picnic, and spat upon me in front of reporters.

Besides filling me with a desire to find out where he lived and have a go at sniping at him and any available family members through unshaded windows, he made me re-evaluate my actions concerning inviting Grogs, even if a very specific and acceptable group of Grogs, on to this sceptered pool of Cess. Because he was an Outer Boarder, you see, and such a jolly nice fellow.

And I still maintain that what I did was right, and just, and I would do it again. But one thing was said, that needs addressing. And it is a statement by Shaw:

for Seanachai would understand, that the CessPool is a community and NOT a dictatorship ruled by any one person.

And Joe, Old Foul Joe, is completely correct. And I apply his logic to my own actions, when, in an anarchistic moment of bonhommie, or, perhaps, a fit of dictatorial and vulgar heresy, or, as some would maintain, a fit of drunkness bordering on the danger of aspirating vomit, I made my way to the Winecape 'Invitational Tournament of Stars', and invited in the Grogs and Tournament players.

Who shall judge?

A moment of personal dictatorship, where one man strode forward (tripping and singing a bit under his breath), and cast aside traditions and rules in order to invite Grogs and Tournament Players into the Mother Beautiful Thread? The desires of all other members cast aside in a furious moment of personal hubris and megalomania?

Or, perhaps, a moment of glorious freedom and high jest, when an unkempt, white-haired, half-mad dwarf (tripping and singing a bit under his breath), wandered into a Grog Tournament, and, spinning wildly in a circle and laughing, exclaimed 'everyone welcome! Come in, come in, the party is about to begin! Hurry, hurry, bring a thunderstorm, the barometer is falling!'

Or just a sad, aging drunk (tripping and singing a bit under his breath), stumbling into a gathering of people focused on serious business, and mumbling half understood promises of status in an outlaw gathering of questionable ancestry to those most likely to smile politely and laugh dismissively while phoning the police?

But Shaw, Joe Shaw, has led me to these questions. Because, although he is pompous, and a pontificator, and in danger of pointing out one too many times the mote in another's eye, yet he is a True Friend of the Peng Challenge Thread.

And so, I shall make my obesience, and I shall do a bit of the scrape and bow, and I shall, this night, go before Peng, Father Confessor of the Peng Challenge Thread, and I shall tell him what was truly in my heart when I went to the Winecape 'Invitational Tournament of Stars', and invited in the Tournament Grogs.

And, having been Accused by Shaw, Reviled by all, Judged by Lorak, and Confessed to Peng (Lorak, mark it! A new distinction that must be added to the roster: Confessed to Peng!), I know that ultimately, my journey with Peng and Berli into the Wasteland, half mad, mostly drunk, and vulgar in the way that only the truly noble can be vulgar, will lead me to the fate that I deserve.

I'm almost certain this means an eternity of scenarios designed by Berli, Rune, and Goanna, played against all of you.

By Berli's Gut, May the Ale Hold Out, Bring It On!

And when that lad, R_Leet shows up, the bastard's mine. Such a nice young fellow. I'm almost certain Berli told me you need at least six Squires to get a corner office in the Abyss. Hmm, Hiram, Panzer Leader, Mr Spkr, and...R_Leet. I wonder if I can get extra credit for Panzer Leader. The lad's been a trial to me, and no mistake. But he's a good lad. Not very bright, but a good lad, nevertheless.

[BFCElvis]

Seanachai, can't you make your posts shorter? I can't read all that gibberish..perhaps if you numbered it.

[MrSpkr]

Speedbump: (pointing at Seanachai "What's he rambling about?"

MrSpkr: (listening for a moment . . . almost falling asleep . . . snapping back to reality) "Oh GREAT -- he's been drinking again. Now he's gonna get drawn up on charges and . . . need . . . legal assistance . . .KA-CHING!

[Stalin's Organ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Right, Our TWO weapons are Surprise and Innapropriate Touching ... and ...

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

the drivel!

[Seanachai]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Elvis:

Seanachai, can't you make your posts shorter? I can't read all that gibberish..perhaps if you numbered it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

In which Seanachai reveals to Elvis that they should play another game; that, through Peng, they are brothers under the skin; and that Elvis is a silly little bastard that Seanachai still likes...

Ah, Elvis. Our newest positive contributor to the gene pool (well, here's hoping, and you do live on the East Coast, so there are doubts to be raised), I have, perhaps of late, been unfair to you.

By that I mean that your almost spectacular fixation with this 'numbering' business.

Now, while every post you've made lately has clearly labeled you a Useless Male, who has realized that, having produced an heir, and hopefully Insured his own financial lack of existence to the maximum extent possible under American Law in order to guarantee the continuation of his family/genetic material (such as it is; we hold out hopes for viability of the wife), we know that you are confronting your own uselessness, lad, and redundancy, and the angst that attends your realization that after the children teeth, your only purpose is as bread winner, and the family could be better served by a sudden, untraceable accident and a rather spectacular insurance policy.

But, Elvis, that wouldn't address your value to the Peng Challenge Thread. Besides the fact that you keep Peng somewhat focused on something that vaguely looks like Reality, you have your own, 'heart of a clown' uses.

I think, rather than wonder whether your wife will convince you to do 'The Right Thing For the Family', I'd just as soon see a set up from you.

Give yourself every advantage, you redundant male. It doesn't matter that you won our last game. We just want you to feel valuable again, and stop this horrible numeration rant, which clearly reveals your fears about being just another entry into an acturial table.

You poor, poor, frightened bastard. I'd rather have my heart pulled out through my own arsehole than deal with the zen like longing for non-existance that your anti-numeracy posts are revealing.

I'd love to leave some mark on the universe, while, in the wake of fatherhood, you're doing some weird, Hitlerite rap on 'No Clutter! No Files! No Trace of Passage!'

ELVIS! Revered Peng Childhood Friend (you pillock)!

Do you know, lad, that I've just bought a huge, powerful, and astonishing Hard Drive? And do you know why? Because I want room to store every numbered turn in my games. And, when I archive them, I burn every single match on to CD.

I'll show our game to your son.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>For you see, Lads, I first posted: Right, Our TWO weapons are Surprise and Innapropriate Touching ... and ...

But then ... oh the EVIL of it ... Trotsky's Harpsicord DARED to reply:

the drivel!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Fellow CessPudlians, are we to stand idly by while the works of the immortal Monty Python are called {shudder} DRIVEL!

Joe

[OGSF]

Eh?

*scratch*

*poot*

[imported_Wildman]

Seanachai,

Such rumination should be reserved for wintertime in the land up North. When the wind has a bite to it and leaving flesh uncovered leads quickly to frostbite. Then and only then should you sit back with a nice warm brandy and think on such heady topics.

It all would have worked out if you had only told us that you "feel our pain." Then your approval rating would rise and all would be forgiven. In reality the only reason the wrath of Shaw was delivered unto your poor besotted head was fear. You see you offered the winner a status equal to his own. Such prominance to an unknown could not and was not tolerated.

That is not to say that exceptions will not be recognized. I'm quite sure that if we could get Steve to post here he would be granted status equal to an Old One, for his masterful disertations on a wide variey of subjects.

---

Updates:

MrSpkrand I have resumed this bloody computer-picked game. Let me tell you trying to assault a town with five Hellcats and only 81mm FOs is a bit of a stretch, but I have prevailed and he is Right out!

JDMorse has asked for a ceasefire in our "Move it or Lost it". I have denied that as I'm about to capture a bridge and the briefing said that would be impossible. I hate to continue killing his pixelated soldiers but follow-thru is follow-thru.

Sir Speedy is dying in droves, but he killed one of my Panthers. That upsets me. Expect my answer delivered upon a 120mm shell...shortly!

Marlow obviously has cracked the sourse as a lone PZIv who three turns ago, crest a hill fired one shot, looked at the three Shermans facing it and ran away. This turn it crested the hill took three shot and killed three Sherman's. Marlowis obviously cheating and its sad to see my former sponser sink so low.

I have decided, that since I seem to be understanding Elvis that I will start killing him. I would like one of our esteemed...well, fellow kaniggets to develop a balanced map and forces to send to me. Doesn't matter historical or non-historical. I will forgo the use of numbering with Elvis as I understand the ravages of Sleep-Deprivation and the fact that he has a minimum of six-weeks with no "Slap & Tickle" not counting the last three months of denial!

Seanachai, I have still considering destroying you just because the Air Force has once again sent me to North Dakota and that is WAAAYYY to close to a living you. Enjoy these last few days, for when I come for you it won't be pretty!

[Stuka]

Well, my first TCP/IP blooding has been rather, er... bloody.

Until internet connection dramas forced the cessation of hostilities, El Virus and I managed a good 6 or 7 turns. (who counts anymore these days eh?)

So, with 1 or perhaps 2 more turns to go it would appear that the undefeatable Evita, the multiple spanker of Peng, is going to cop a knee to the cobblers and a chew on the ear ala 'Tyson', and be humbled in defeat.

True, he has forced my lines in the centre position and taken out my last H/T, but in true Stuken style, that plucky little H/T was out of MG ammo, out of HE and down to 2 rounds of AP before succumbing to steenky French fire.

What was of greater interest was on the flanks.

One: A 3 squad French frontal assault on an unsupported HMG was cut down to a man, the last squad making it to within 2 metres before being wiped out. Now thats a HMG!

BTS, do not fix or do anyfink!

Two: An Elvin attack on my right flank, fighting forwards for several turns through a sea of craters and rubble, finally makes its final rush for my lines, and then, as if swept by a wave of Stalinist depression, they all fall down dead. At least 5 or 6 squads, many possibly low in number, are left lying pitifully in the snow. The jubulant defenders, many low on ammo, can be justifiably proud as the remainder of that attack start surrendering and moving forwards through the barbed wire towards incarceration.

Ah yes, a great day indeed!

Many thanks to Elvis for breaking me in gently and introducing me to the world of TCP/IP.

May he wake in the morrow to find the shattered remnants of his Baguette Brigade and long may he mourn their loss, for they were all "Wankers" anyway.

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Seanachai:

People of the Peng Challenge, I come before you tonight a man much puzzled...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

A state which we are well aquainted with you being in. You could have left this bit out and thus shortened your lengthy and tedious post.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Now, since my all but complete exoneration by that pillar of the Peng Challenge Community, the Brehon judge, Lorak the Loathed...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

But not by me. Lorak, in a fit of drunkeness, has decided to show mercy in this word, but remember, you won't live forever...

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Good Christ, Bauhaus, don't just sit down, crawl under the desk, you monster! That's simply not on, nor what I meant at all, and not even possible, you troubled little toad!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Nasty little cur, isn't he?

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> And it is a statement by Shaw:

for Seanachai would understand, that the CessPool is a community and NOT a dictatorship ruled by any one person.

And Joe, Old Foul Joe, is completely correct.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

No, Joe is completely wrong. We are not a community (which impliesa certain level of social tolerence), nor are we some sort of limp wristed democracy (if we were, this might become the George Bush Jr Challenge Thread).

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>And I apply his (Joe's for those of you not following along) logic to my own actions...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Oh lovely, the Dim leading the Daft... this should be interesting

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Who shall judge?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You really need to ask?

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>you need at least six Squires to get a corner office in the Abyss. Hmm, Hiram, Panzer Leader, Mr Spkr, and...R_Leet. I wonder if I can get extra credit for Panzer Leader. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Six WORTHY squires. By my count you have had one (MrSpkr), and with him you failed to point out that he is not Welsh and as such should use vowels.

Carry on, you will rot in Hell soon enough

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

But then ... oh the EVIL of it ... Trotsky's Harpsicord DARED to reply:

the drivel!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

While I can fully understand your righteous indignation, I must take acception to you infering that I had anything to do with his post

[mensch]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by DekeFentle:

joey I am The Whuppin' Boy I wear the title given to me by Lorak with dispassionate disdain.

[the rest of his drivel removed for your sanity] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Your still a cockroach to me.. bug boy.

[PeterNZer]

I didn't get you last 20 posts. Please resend.

[stevetherat]

(Ahem) An update, of sorts, if you will.

My computer is still broken. I am forced into writing all of my e-corespondents on the machines of my clients. All a bit dodgy, as you can imagine. You filthy lot being well down the list, this is the latest (but very old) news from the front.

Dodgy retailers are the third worst type of being on this planet.

I have been trying for weeks to get them to accept responsibility for my blanched HD. Do they? Do they not! Do any of you know what it's like to be un-connected? Hellish. I have no alternative but to issue procedings in a court of law. It's going to get as uncomfortable for them as accidentally thrusting down on a cucumber in the bath.

Which brings me to my second statement: Lawyers are the second most vile creatures to walk this precious Earth.

I have instructed my leagal team (a bargain at £9.99 per quarter) to issue proceedings against my retailer. I, being the eager beaver who has been wronged, is all fired up ready for battle in the wood panelled battle zone. They, you ask? Well, THEY are quite content to sit there, spending my £9.99 per quarter on the best Scottish single malt while sitting on the extensive balcony overlooking the Thames. Doing SQUAT. Lawyer is now a new swearword in our house (being a light curse previously).

In an unrelated, but similarly suited profession, Estate Agents are so bloody disgusting they don't even qualify for membership of the food chain.

What motivates these people? I mean, what exactly drives them to crawl out of bed? And what service do they provide that you could't competently do yourself? I cannot go on. My head has just shot off like some Etna molt.

I shall resume redecorating your screens with your littered bodies as soon as I can get those fatherless lawyers to do a decent days work.

Meanwhile, I have a strange feeling that Panzy, Germaline and Cupasoup have been trying to get hold of me. Leave a message here so I know you're out there and I'll give you my Hotmail addy.

Now go, while I can still control my trembling rage.

StR