Yeknodathon

[... and with a polyphonic anthem, just as one might hear as a Roman hero enters the gates, both nostrils fribillate at tremendous oscillations pouring forth a tribute so musically complex, rousing and... loud] honkety-hoooooonk, honk honk, honk honk, honkhonkhonkhonkhonkhonkeeeeeeeee HONK HONK HONNNNNNNNNNNNNK Behold! ZEITGNOME

[circumnavigating around the Paddock on a unicycle] ... or dialectical. Trust a sodding Merkin not to know their sodding Hegel or, praise be his name, sodding Marx. UP THE PROLETARIAT, TO THE BARRICADES, AT 'EM WITH THE ICE PICKS, PEACE, LAND, SPROUTS! [crashing into the fence with the onset of the fall of Capitalism]

Its quite possible Michael does slack kanine.

Do sing along... The Large Hadron Rap Twenty-seven kilometers of tunnel under ground Designed with mind to send protons around A circle that crosses through Switzerland and France Sixty nations contribute to scientific advance Two beams of protons swing round, through the ring they ride ‘Til in the hearts of the detectors, they’re made to collide And all that energy packed in such a tiny bit of room Becomes mass, particles created from the vacuum And then… LHCb sees where the antimatter’s gone ALICE looks at collisions of lead ions CMS and ATLAS are two of a kind They’re looking for whatever new particles they can find. The LHC accelerates the protons and the lead And the things that it discovers will rock you in the head. We see asteroids and planets, stars galore We know a black hole resides at each galaxy’s core But even all that matter cannot explain What holds all these stars together – something else remains This dark matter interacts only through gravity And how do you catch a particle there’s no way to see Take it back to the conservation of energy And the particles appear, clear as can be You see particles flying, in jets they spray But you notice there ain’t nothin’, goin’ the other way You say, “My law has just been violated – it don’t make sense! There’s gotta be another particle to make this balance.” And it might be dark matter, and for first Time we catch a glimpse of what must fill most of the known ‘Verse. Because… LHCb sees where the antimatter’s gone ALICE looks at collisions of lead ions CMS and ATLAS are two of a kind They’re looking for whatever new particles they can find. Antimatter is sort of like matter’s evil twin Because except for charge and handedness of spin They’re the same for a particle and its anti-self But you can’t store an antiparticle on any shelf Cuz when it meets its normal twin, they both annihilate Matter turns to energy and then it dissipates When matter is created from energy Which is exactly what they’ll do in the LHC You get matter and antimatter in equal parts And they try to take that back to when the universe starts The Big Bang – back when the matter all exploded But the amount of antimatter was somehow eroded Because when we look around we see that matter abounds But antimatter’s nowhere to be found. That’s why… LHCb sees where the antimatter’s gone ALICE looks at collisions of lead ions CMS and ATLAS are two of a kind They’re looking for whatever new particles they can find. The LHC accelerates the protons and the lead And the things that it discovers will rock you in the head. The Higgs Boson – that’s the one that everybody talks about. And it’s the one sure thing that this machine will sort out If the Higgs exists, they ought to see it right away And if it doesn’t, then the scientists will finally say “There is no Higgs! We need new physics to account for why Things have mass. Something in our Standard Model went awry.” But the Higgs – I still haven’t said just what it does They suppose that particles have mass because There is this Higgs field that extends through all space And some particles slow down while other particles race Straight through like the photon – it has no mass But something heavy like the top quark, it’s draggin’ its *** And the Higgs is a boson that carries a force And makes particles take orders from the field that is its source. They’ll detect it…. LHCb sees where the antimatter’s gone ALICE looks at collisions of lead ions CMS and ATLAS are two of a kind They’re looking for whatever new particles they can find. Now some of you may think that gravity is strong Cuz when you fall off your bicycle it don’t take long Until you hit the earth, and you say, “Dang, that hurt!” But if you think that force is powerful, you’re wrong. You see, gravity – it’s weaker than Weak And the reason why is something many scientists seek They think about dimensions – we just live in three But maybe there are some others that are too small to see It’s into these dimensions that gravity extends Which makes it seem weaker, here on our end. And these dimensions are “rolled up” – curled so tight That they don’t affect you in your day to day life But if you were as tiny as a graviton You could enter these dimensions and go wandering on And they'd find you... When LHCb sees where the antimatter’s gone ALICE looks at collisions of lead ions CMS and ATLAS are two of a kind They’re looking for whatever new particles they can find. The LHC accelerates the protons and the lead And the things that it discovers will rock you in the head.

One Higgs boson short of a dodgy night in Reno, I say

Its Jim Morrison... disinterred

Eh, limited palatte? Oh, how one fumbles to the bottom of the literary paintbox

I just wanted to say that I've found my Scunthorpe button that allows immediate defilement with the very thickest crayons and much else [and with a hop and jaunty skip hooves scribble across a rough effigy drawn in the dirt of a very icky large lump of congealed, cold and fatty over-pompous southern-fried chicken bus conductor with a freakish third drumstick growth rammed up a carefully studied cross section of an auxillery pump]

...still transmitting... the instructions are ever so lengthy...

Ooo.. just a sec, getting new instructions from the Pointy Hatted One...

Well, as you know, Boo because we were both there at the rapidly convened meeting of General Nuissance Office; Minneapolis Event (G.N.O.M.E.) that right at the top of the agenda, in red, boxed and highlighted with not just HIS signature but the official Toadstood Stamp of Authority with Prejudice was the first order of Business Arbut-noid, Idjit and Extreme Twit - The Final Solution - Pillockfication .. and, as you know, we ALL voted (after the usual rituals et al) for gang swarming. We even had a slide presentation and despite the many concerns and votes in favour of visiting Reno for further information we all popped on our hoods and postrated before THE RING and pledged eternal gang swarming in extremis. Yes, okay, we might not have the proper undergarments for a really good gang swarm but we should show willing after all, the GRANDMASTER would gain such glee and pleasure who could refuse? Not us, certainly... so I should whip out yer ARBUTNOID information leaflet and follow the instructions for... errr... you know.. PUMP CONTINGENCIES

[Pacing the ground in a profoundly robotic manner while gang swarming in a very singular way...] YESSSS, MAAAAASTER

Well, Michael that is very interesting and as I was conducting my morning dust toilette it came upon me that it must be, just has to be a sort of pack dominance thing.. like yer hounds, sort of social Darwinism gone walkies. Which is terribly interesting.. like yer little pooch Abbott has separation anxiety or sumthink and has to be welcomed with a squeaky toy before being squeezed into a crate for poop training.

Pumpkin.. what is it with the font enlargement thing?

... next to the irony cutter

Could be worse as the humidor is unlocked and passed around to display a freshly rolled Emrys in all its glory

Yes, one would enjoy a mild, creamy-smooth Emrys Limitada

I would spend $700 to shove Emrys into a humidor to keep him nice n fresh.

[throwing a Free Polish rubber gnome para from the shed roof...] Mother of God... Flying pigs!

[sucking on a sprout in a thoughtful way seeking literary inspiration ] Two or three?

Scunthorpe, Michael, is place of immeasurable beauty; spires poking their way into the heavans, trees laden with full and ripe fruit, cheery beer sellers offering free flagons of amber necter, dogs happily devoid of any limps or scratches and troughs overflowing with the most tasty root vegetables and varieties of brassica with no hint of genetically modified ickiness. Michael, it is an utopia - a paragon of the good life that bursts open into a veritable cornucopia of endless possibilities of pleasure and opportunity. And as one traverses along Up the Corns Boulevard you are greeted with thickly buttered slices of life that replenish the soul and tickles the heart. Truely, it is the heaven on Earth; it is Eden - unspoilt, bountiful, Scunthorpe! Now when you populate it with your funny people.. see, it just don't sit right. It is the serpent in the grass, it is the beady-eyed, malevolent hamster on the wheel, it is just the wrong school bus and that won't do at all. No, I refuse your funny people that look all the same - they are too... too... garden ornamentations. That won't do at all.

Quod erat demonstrandum

Brewed in Renosbaden

Pumpkin....

[...and as the summer rains of destiny drop onto the sleepy worm heads of eternity something grey and heavy has propped up a rubber gnome against the paddock fence, and with the grandest, thickest crayon, invitations are being scribed for the annual Summer Fete] Well, Mr Gnome, where should we start? See, we want to attact the best talent... the most rugged, hardy brutes, the ones that will take no nonsense and, Mr Gnome, show a level of stamina and endurance... hmmm.. and they'd better be practical... oh, Mr Gnome, I have just the fellow.. Dear Mr A-Butt We in the Paddock, are having a little Summer shebang and seeing as we're ever so neighbourly and just across each other from the fence we cordially invite you to our little gathering. There will be such a lot of events and fun things to do like our bring 'n' buy pump stall, prize home-grown pump competition, swing-a-pump and, back by popular demand, the evening festivities will conclude with the Summer Disco where we have lots of Abba songs, Pet Shop Boys and Sound of Music hit spectaculars. My, even last year this event attracted a most pleasant throng of young people who wanted to dress up in the most splendid costumes. In fact, you may well be pleased to know, quite a lot of construction workers were present. And I think if you were to attend and bring with you a pump or three I am very sure there would be lots of comparing and swapping of notes. You are vey welcome to bring along Mr Bosch. So I do hope you will spend a little time with us, in a neighbourly sort of way? RSVP