Yeknodathon

Indeed Michael lets give it a try... [shuffling to get a secure footing and squeezing all the buttock muscles into the tightest possible knot] *hooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnk* Well, Michael, I've given it some thought and I must report.. nothing. Sodding nothing. A neuron did not move, a synapse did not spark. What was the question? All I can say is that if you are suggesting PaulEIEIEIO is the light at the end of tunnel it'd probably be a sodding train going in completely the opposite direction... which somehow seems to reduce the anxiety... of, well, everything.

Well, it has a certain observational simplicity which should earn some merit.. but I suspect the desperation levels are beginning to ramp up...

Wouldn't a Gnome with frosting be a lemon drizzle cake too far?

Is that a 0.2 litre with supercharger and tricked-out lower suspension and low profile tyres and Bose internal sound system with extra bass?! Totally k00l and definitely a Gnomette chic magnet... wait.. where's the roof rack?

[... meanwhile, a hastily errected wigwam has been assembled in the middle of the Paddock with some helpful shop front signage: Justicarps form orderly queueueuuuus ...and... Roebucks and wandering Nodstralians straight to the front ...and... Strictly no Boos ...and... Gnomes MUST wear pointy hats And from the partially open wigwam flap a little rubber door Gnome is carefully positioned to vet visitors and eject any troublesome business while inside something heavy and bright pink sits waiting...] Well, Mr G, we're over-bursting with immense anticipation but first we must adjust.... {*twaaaang*}... spandex can chafe somewhat... now lets see.. [as a group of sprouts are carefully nudged into line] ... what shall come through me flap door! I suspect it might be a Roebuck snout or an inquisitive Australian.. one can never tell and we should always be prepared for every eventuality.

Only if you enter me wigwam to lay aside my garments wholly.. er, but we can negotiate about the spandex.

.... quite possible Minnehaha met a roebuck or two...

Ma, Ma, Ma, Minn, Minn, Minne... Minneapolis on account that a roebuck found IN Minneapolis would affect traffic flows quite considerably. Now, who's for a bit of Longfellow?

I'm just so very glad that a roebuck wasn't found in Minn... oh, dear...

[hopping wildly around the paddock on hind legs with a rubber gnome attached to a breast to provide further assistance]

YES, ITS STUKA, HE'S AN AUSTRALIAN... YES A-U-S-T-R-A-L-I-A-N... FROM DOWNUNDER... THATS RIGHT, YES, THE HOPPING THINGS.... K-A-N-G-A-R-O-O-S [oh sodding hell this is hard work] WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER BISCUIT?

IT's BOO, YOU REMEMBER, HE COMES ROUND EVERY SO OFTEN, HE'S THE ONE WITH THE JOHN DEERE HAT... YES, YES, JOHN DEERE, NO, NO, THEY'RE NOT RELATED.....TRACTORS....

I do like it when we have to explain... "IT'S A CUP OF COCOA. YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CUP OF COCOA AT BEDTIME..WITH A BISCUIT. YOUR FAVOURITE BISCUIT, REMEMBER?" And I always like a fete. Lots of garden grown veg at fetes and stalls and tombolas and wot not. Lots of feets too. And every so often, just very occasionaly one may spot a feat too... "... YES, THE ONES WITH THE JAM IN THE MIDDLE. YOU LIKE THOSE..."

[... and the rubber gnome is swung bouncing feet and head with alternate swings through 180 degree arcs and with each bounce the rythmn increases to match the pulsing hormonal pounding while spooked chickens prepare for flight until the little effigy can no longer be restrained and with a mighty twang unleashed from its fetters to hurtle off and skip Barnes Wallace style across the pond and slide down the Eder Paddock shed doors to rest] Well, Mr G, you're particularly frisky today... [...while the tail thrashes around for any other nearby little folk that might have stumbled into the Paddock as a giant tentacle might thrash around for a soggy mariner] Where, you go, yer little beggar.... come to daddy...

[... and after coming to a rest in a little dust cloud and several spooked chickens look on with beaks agog, something grey and heavy is on its back with knees limp at a 90 degree angle and an eye fixed to the heavens to spot any mind control satellites that might spiral across the sky and with the quick shuffle of the buttocks into the still, soft paddock ground to get a better grip a tail shoots out to grip the rubber gnome tightly round its fat little belly to drag it ever nearer to the relaxing mound of prime donkey] Not that there is anything wrong with Munchkins...

Its Beowulf and Grendel for Munchkins

[moon dancing across the Paddock before executing an impeccable breakdance dust-bathing, mite-removal back spin with a flurry of hooves next to the well-used prickly bush...]

Utah Ain't too far Justicar There may be trouble ahead, But while there's moonlight and music and love and Boo, Let's face the music and dance. Before the Gnomies have fled, Before they ask us to pay the bill, And while we still have the chance, Let's face the music and dance. Soon, we'll be without the moon, Humming a different toon, And then, there may be big sprouts to shed. So while theres moonlight and music and love and Boo, Let's face the music and dance. Let's face the music and dance,

Well, Mr Gnome, we've done all 186 questions and I am ever so terribly excited to find out what Peng Character we're going to be! All we need to do is add up the scores, consult the matrix and Myers-Briggs personality traits and its ever so exciting and I can hardly keep me rear legs from moving. And, Mr G, our score is.. 2! That's a good start. And 2 is...er... lets see... er... oh, that won't do at all. Justicar?! Something's got a bit awry here... lets see Ahhhh, Mr G, I think I've spotted it, silly me! Q 125... got the wrong tick in the box there... just a wee adjustment Are you currently part of the evil banking cartel that has brought the world's economy and banking industry to its knees, take on more tham one wife, secretly admire all Goober nations especially any stray Australians which are welcomed into bossom of your home, sneaze PShaw! like a S. American piglet with a case of the sniffles and get a bit ripe under the armpits when having a good work-out at the back of the Paddock? Silly me, Mr G - we shouldn've have ticked No! So.. the score is now 237. Why, this is a much better score, Mr G. Lets have a look.. Dum-de-dum... aha... yes... aha... Eh? Justicar?! Well, that won't sodding do! NO WAY! Sodding eat the Boo Peng Character test because I always say a quick trip through the internal digestive system puts a different complexion on everything...

[using a very thick special crayon for tests....] Well, Mr Gnome, this is a very difficult one. What should we choose? Er Er Ummm...doesn't mention anything thing yer ability to bounce or that very useful feature for a quick wipe down when things get sticky Er... bother, bother, bother, choices, choices, choices

Prunes and sprouts, sprouts and prunes do wonders for a sudden onset of rash-inducing, uncomfy discomBoobulation.

A profile which says Walmart would be incredibly neat and fashionable.. and bound to impress some..

Quite. Boo and Emrys on the same wavelength... it has a natural vibration all of its own...

[examining with intense curiosity the pictures of hungry, large fresh water giant squid and octopuses that lurk beneath Minnesota's lakes...] Protect me oh Gawd for my hat is so small Protect me oh Gawd for my hat is so small My Hat is so small and your lake is so wide and quite a bit deep too Protect me oh Gawd *gobble* *gobble* *gobble* *slurp* *gobble*