Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Croda: In a recent thread, Colonel_Don'tCallMeAdam_Deadmarsh said he doesn't think it is now or ever was amusing. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I would like to say HI to Deadmarsh's Mom! Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr: Sigh. I see...I challenge you, you remarkable example of consumate wargaming skill. MrSpkr [ 04-27-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Well, as usual I leap before I look. While mildly amused at MrSpkr's ability to write in complete sentences (not a requirement, I've been told, for one in the legal profession), I failed to note that this example of foot & mouth disease was a Sooner fan! Normally, all he would be good for is collecting the nightsoil of his betters. However, for the honor of my Patron, I will accept the challenge and prove to you that you over-reached by attempting to gain the attention of Mr. Shaw.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lorak: Speedbump has made squire. Lorak the loathed<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> It is with great humility, nay reticence (for I am not worthy) that I take up the shield of my liege lord Mr. Joe Shaw. This humble servant seeks only to serve the most lucid, erudite Mr. Shaw. A squire is a young nobleman attendant upon a knight and ranked next below a knight in feudal hierarchy. In return for training in the martial arts, a squire serves as an aide to the knight, conducting menial duties such as servicing the knight's armor and tending the knight's warhorse. In this light (specifically of dealing with the warhorse's dung) I would be willing to consider (no promises) the background buzz that is Mr. Spkr. Should he wish to continue to challenge my patron, he should understand that only special individuals are allowed into the presence of a Knight without first addressing that Knight's squire. So if you should be serious in pursuing the path of cess, you must first deal with me... With the exception of my patron, I find the lot of you vile, execrable and somewhat disturbing. Therefore, would you all kindly drop 'em, bend over, and cough! Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by R_Leet: The whole lot of them are evil, sick, twisted vermin. All the more reason to leave it as is. If you pick at that, it'll only get worse, like any oozing sore. Besides, then we know where to go for the entertaing reading!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Yeah? But what is your point? Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Iskander: Perhaps before I stop playing at the end of this year I'll manage to get a tank all the way across the map once!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Then stop making maps with forest all the way across the middle! Speedbump

Bump off the bottom of the 1st page <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Phillies Phan: I lost 0-100 last night. Can anyone here do worse?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Well, the way I see it, you could do twice as well and still not score any points! Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Iskander: 1. Thinking that a grey Flag with a big "?" on it belongs to you <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Clearly your understanding of this great game is lacking. The flag that your near-sighted, astigmatic, bleary eyes view as a grey Flag is solidly Red, White & Blue. Just because you rush a herd of cub scouts at my solidly held defensive position, you cannot claim victory. Now go play with your cub scouts. The rest of you drop 'em, bend over, and cough! Speedbump

{Flimsy Yellow Paper} Telegram: “To: Mrs. Agnes Speedbump It is with deep regret that the War Department must inform you of the death of your son, Staff Sergeant Homer Speedbump. The gamey tactics of Mr. Shawdestroyed Sergeant Speedbump’s armored column. Opposing an entire squadron of Elite Fighter-Bombers, Sgt. Speedbump’s unit fought valiantly but ultimately was defeated. To add insult to injury, Mr. Shaw brought in artillery strikes on the scattered crews of the unit’s vehicles. Ultimately, only one vehicle survived the onslaught. Ironically, it was a Flak vehicle. The sacrifice of brave young men like Sergeant Speedbump will not go unforgotten, nor unpunished. Rest assured that the War Department has plans to seek revenge on Mr. Shaw. Brigadier General Dexter Stuben Personnel” On another front, Iskander has been much more welcoming to a newbie. He has kindly allowed me to gain the first victory location with a minimum of casualties, while letting me nearly surround a Sturm platoon. In addition, he has graciously called in an artillery strike on his own forces. Intelligence believes that he used his cub scout compass backwards and was distracted by his troops attempts at earning their CPR badges (down Bauhaus!). Mr. Shaw, You are ugly, repulsive, hideous, and furthermore not very pleasant to look at. Iskander, you hide when you hear water running in the tub, you stinking, ordure savouring, harp seal torturing, misbegotten offspring of a malodorous pervert. For the rest of you, I hold you in contempt. Now drop 'em, bend over, and cough! Speedbump

Never read the first thread, but Hi Mom! Speedbump

Iskander's hordes have finally been spotted in the deep, dark woods. It appears they are scruffy cub scouts, huddled around what appears to be aborted attempts at campfires. They have the glazed look of the ignorant as the peer at the kindling, unable to understand why no heat is emanating from the wood. Ah, and there stands Iskander himself, smokey bear hat in hand gazing with barely repressed desire at his troops! It is now time for the forces of good and moral to put Iskander in his place (removing his troops from his personal attention!). My initiation at the hands of Mr. Shaw (sit down Bauhaus), appears to be coming to an end. Unfortunately, the fields are littered with burning tracks and cowering men; the end result of an attack by a full squadron of cess-sucking flyboys. The only positive note for my boys is that most of my tanks are simply immobilized and not destroyed. The evil Mr. Shaw will not get full credit for those units! Now please kindly bend over and cough! Speedbump [ 04-20-2001: Message edited by: Speedbump ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Iskander: Traffic-circle runs his armor in doughnuts in front of Fangorn Forest in which I defend. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> My strategy is clearly working! Here, little boy look at the pretty, shiny thing! Seriously, my hope is to make your men so dizzy, they will be incapacitated by motion sickness. Now send me back my turn to see how well your pixilated warriors retch! By-the-by, my role is not to entertain you, it is to roll you (down Bauhaus!) like a passed out drunk; to eviserate you; to make your mommy beg me to stop making you cry. If you have fun, then I am not doing my job! Speedbump [ 04-18-2001: Message edited by: Speedbump ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw: Are you calling me ****e lad? Ooh now you're in trouble you are. Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Mr. Shaw, quite the opposite, you do not deserve the lofty designation of ****e. But I will give you some other options: faeces, feces, excrement, ordure, dung, crap, sewage, sewerage, muck, coprolite, guano, manure, or compost. In fact your place of residence can be described as a dunghill, colluvies, mixen, midden, bog, laystall, sink, privy, jakes, toilet, john, head, sump, sough, cloaca, latrines, drain, sewer, common sewer, or cloacina. In reality, I simply don't care enough about you to pick one. In fact, please crawl away and rot, putrefy, ferment, fester, rankle, reek and stink. Speedbump [ 04-18-2001: Message edited by: Speedbump ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Agua Perdido: Hi, Mom!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> While the case may be that I did not catch it in this case, you woefully misjudge me sir! Please note that I, in fact, used Python references in an earlier post to that cur Iskander. Now stop wasting my time and tell your execrable Knight to face me in real battle! Unless you feel the need to fall on your sword and send me a setup! Speedbump PS. Hi Mom! [ 04-17-2001: Message edited by: Speedbump ] [ 04-17-2001: Message edited by: Speedbump ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Iskander: "I'm not dead yet!" <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Just wait you festering git. My unstoppable attack is about to commence. So stop sliding down the trees to make yourself feel good, and take up arms! Speedbump

Day 5 in the Pool has ended for this newbie, and I am coming to detest the vile, under-handed, mess that are Mr. Shaw's tactics. He chooses to avoid honorable combat, relying on flyboys and skulking artillery spotters. As I advance boldly forward, I am faced not with an enemy, but with artillery barrages and aircraft-delivered rockets and bombs. Lo these many turns, Mr. Shaw has succeeded in one thing: creating a parking lot of my vehicles. However, greasy plumes of smoke mark most of those vehicles. Mr. Shaw, you clearly have the morals of a $5 lady-of-the-evening (and the skills of same!). Enticing an innocent, fresh-faced, naïve newbie into the Pool and giving him this scenario to play. Be aware, that with karmic certainty, you will be repaid! Iskander continues to whine about the lack of action. He should know that I am simply putting my troops in order, so that when the inevitable showdown occurs, I will not muddy my boots overmuch! Speedbump [ 04-16-2001: Message edited by: Speedbump ]

Day three in the pool: Mr. Shaw continues to use the repugnant tactics of bombing my armored advance! He appears not to have the confidence to face me in a stand up battle. He relies on the efforts of flyboys...flyboys for crying out loud. Its enough to make small children cry. Iskander continues to avoid my bold advances. He clearly is using the gamey strategy of defending his victory locations, instead of advancing in the open, shoulder-to-shoulder like his Prussian forebearers. Now each and every one of you kindly dunk your heads into a compost heap! Speedbump

Day two in the Pool comes to an end with mixed results... Iskander is nowhere to be found. He is obviously hiding in the trackless forests he chose for a map. This looks to be a battle, not of warriors, but of neighborhood kids running through the trees calling out "Come out, come out where ever you are!" Clearly, your spineless defenders would rather shift clods of dirt around the bottom of their foxholes instead of coming out and meeting my valient troops in honorable combat. Mr. Shaw appears to have spent nearly all his points on Fighter-Bombers. After knocking out two Anti-Tank guns placed to the flank of my setup zones, I have seen neither hide nor hair of his hunch-backed, corpulent, rectum-sniffing (down Bauhaus!) "elite" troopers. Personally, I think they are trolling through the HQ's privy looking for nuggets of wisdom! For the Pool in general: I realize that the strike at the Guiness plant has created near-panic among the members, but it is my sad duty to post the following as well: <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> Friday April 13 7:34 AM ET Bavaria Tells Men: No Glove, No Brothel Love MUNICH, Germany (Reuters) - Bavarian men (and CessPool members) love lederhosen, the tight-fitting leather pants seen as the southern German state's unofficial uniform, and if the government has its way, another covering will soon become more common: condoms. The health ministry in the state known for its beer and good humor said on Thursday that it will require men who hire prostitutes to use condoms to prevent the spread of disease. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Now I realize that you save up your pfenigs for your bi-monthly excursion out of your parent's basement, but now you will have to wait an extra day or two to come up with the funds for your "Jock Jackets!" My sympathies... Speedbump

After accusing me of being unable to understand a simple numbering system, MISTER Shaw has proven he cannot count past 6!. Having sent him a file designated JoevsSpeedbump06, he immediately returned the same file, making the claim that it was in fact my turn. Needless to say, he slinked back and forwarded the correct turn (designated with a 07 for those Cess regulars who also have problems using more than one hand to count), claiming <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> I've got too damn many games going ... either that or I'm just going senile <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I will leave it to the imagination of the Pool to determine which is the correct answer! Personally, I believe he is afraid of my spork toting troops! Speedbump

Iskander: <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> If'd I'd seen this bleary map I'd have outfitted my men with axes, not rifles <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Actual spot report from my hardy scouts: "Green 6, Green 6...we have something strange here...I hear something up ahead...yep, it sounds like: 'I chop down trees, I wear high heels, Suspendies and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie Just like my dear papa.' Green 6...orders?" Green 6: "Send in Bauhaus!" Speedbump

Having survived my first day's foray into the cess (Hey, is slime supposed to pulse?!?), I feel it is my responsibility, nay sacred duty to warn all newbies (are there any other than me?). I have started games with one Knight of Cess (Joe Shaw) and one Squire (Iskander). Lo and behold, both are gamey bastiches! Clearly part of the job description. Mister Shaw has provided me with a "balanced" scenario: <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> I played the ten turn game as the Allies but just clicked through the turns without any orders with the following results: Axis: Casualties: 110 Guns Destroyed: 2 Vehicles Destroyed: 27 Final Result was, obviously, an Allied TOTAL Victory of 99 to 1. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I now know why. You have programed in laser-guided bombs (ala A-10!). Three bombs dropped - three anti-aircraft vehicles destroyed; not by shrapnel, but by direct hits. One continued rolling about 20 yards, gloriously aflame! Gamey, using Fighter-Bombers in a game called Jabo! Iskander sends me a map with a solid line of Tall Pines just past my setup zone, solid forest for over 200 yards from the first Victory Location. Might as well turn my vehicles around and send them home! Probably loaded up on Uber-troops like Fusilier, Sturm, etc. So I say, rot in that swill you call cess; for my boys will oppose your inbred gaminess by overcoming all obstacles even if all they have left is their mess kit tin and a spork! After all, you roll in smelly stuff to disguise your scent, you block-headed, pustule chomping, squid defiling, misanthropic dependent of a lab experiment. Now send me back my turns so I can glory in my impending victories! Speedbump [ 04-12-2001: Message edited by: Speedbump ]

If not, now is the time to ask all the questions already covered 6 months ago! No one can respond with "DO A SEARCH!" Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> Miss Shaw is it, how very clever of you, why that particular effort is even more clever than the Neanderthals who STILL think it's funny to make up "funny" new names <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> First, my apologies to your wife. After communicating with you, I could only assume that you required assistance in the complex task of typing. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> Sometimes ... I wonder why I bother <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Maybe its the need to drag yourself up the evolutionary chain to comport with your betters! Now please go take a dip in that purple mess you call a lake. Obviously, the template for the CessPool. Speedbump

Well wouldn't you know it. I finally grace this "Pool" with my presence and the first git I challenge is functionally illiterate! Miss Shaw in two (read it..Two!) emails promises he has mastered the complex skill of zipping game files. But (and unless you are a regular denizen of the CessPool ) you guessed it. Both the setup and the first turn was sent as simple text, embedded in the email. Personally, I think that Miss Shaw is so verbose, that he forgot what he wrote at the start of the note long before he reached the end! Clearly, playing members of the Pool will require the type of Patience required of Special Education Teachers! Speedbump

Well, as noted above, I have received two setups from members of the Pool. And frankly, I feel....dirty. Each email was oozing with virtual cess. Clearly, Mr. Shawhas something up his sleeve with this Jabo! scenario. Probably thinks it is some kind of "initiation" setup. Well, clearly if he is a "member of cess in good standing", it won't matter. It will be no more difficult than wiping manure off one's shoes. Its a little early to tell what tricks Iskander has in mind, but they better be good. Now its off to the shower where I can feel clean again.... Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I find, therefore, that I shall abandon my usual practice and grant this new lad, what's his name again ... speedbump (oh well, there's room for all I suppose) the boon of a game with ... ME! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I suppose that I should be falling down on my knees in gratitude. However, I only have this uncomfortable feeling in my lower abdomen. Hurry and send the setup, so that I might release that which is pressuring me so... Speedbump