Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr: Yes, it's true, by his gamey, cheating tactics and my boredom which caused me to run everyone I had right up a narrow bridge towards his last tank, PL did beat the snot out of my poms. But hey, whatdaya want? They're pommies. If they had been American troops, I am sure I would have triumphed.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> A fine tactic that you should continue to develop. Now all I need to do is find an uber PzIV... Speedbump

Why, I remember the good old days of one month ago; two Squires, Speedbump & MrSpkr, battling on the bloody sand of the CessPool Coliseum for the insatiable blood lust of the MBT’s Kaniggets. Today, we are left with an ugly state of affairs; a marginal Squire in Mouse, two phallically obsessed SSN’s, and two drive-by wannabees. I was promised that once I reached the exalted rank of Kanigget, I could lay back on my couch, consume grapes and mead, thumb upraised in the air deciding the fate of lowly Squires. Instead, I am forced to wade through post after post of SSN’s making “member” references with nary a challenge, let alone a battle. Joe, when was the last time Jabo! was rolled out? What concerns me most, is that with the lack of lowly Squires and Serfs, the Junior Kaniggets among us may by forced to play SSN’s (at least if any good ones show up). And I just got the blood out of my toga yesterday… Game Updates: MrSpkr – While my hatred for you grows unabated, I have identified a new target for my vitriol; Berli. Who else would force me to defend with conscripts against Veteran engineers and paratroops? The frustration I feel is that I cannot wish you to a special place consisting of sulfur, heat and eternal flame, for you already reside there… dalem – Just when I thought you were a tolerable opponent, you exhibit a sinister, evil side. With but one turn left, my overwhelmed Polish in full flight, you refuse to send the last turn. Trying to draw out the pain is a trait of the most recently discussed accursed one, not an upstanding, soon to be Minnesotan like yourself. Send the turn and put me out of my misery… Mace – It seems Sir Mace has finished with the ale halls and sheep pens. He has decided to crest the hill in a broad attack. Unfortunately for him, I have covered the approaches with all manners of long-barreled hardware (Bauhaus stop, I am clearly discussing AT weaponry). He has successfully wasted his scout screen by trying to run “Light Tanks” up against Tigers, Panthers and Bears (Oh, my!). I would assume they are Stuarts, but they died so quick and far away, I can’t ID them… Pawbroon – The French general (oxymoron?) continues to flail away wildly, in the night, against my front lines. He has courteously placed an entire platoon in several buildings within site of my guns, but out of site of his supporting tanks, allowing me to building bust to my heart’s content… Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dalem: Isn't this a bit premature? Ohhhhh, started by Spanky, so it all falls into place...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> dalem, I must say, I am getting tired of this name-change taunting, its Spnkr! speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mace: Almost time for a new thread: How about: Let me take you where the Peng Challenges grow In salute of Cross of Iron? Mace *editted because I care!* [ 07-02-2001: Message edited by: Mace ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Instead, how about: "Stick it where the Peng Challenge don't shine!" Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jshandorf: ...pain I haven't felt since my doctor splintered the specimen stick in my uretha and I peed blood for a week. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> *Cringe!* Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr: [QB] Actually (proving that truth is stranger than fiction), Paula Houston (the Porn Czar of Utah) is in her early forties and a virgin. [QB]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Joe or Spnkr, what the hell is a "Porn Czar"? Is it good or bad to be one? Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>The Truth as spoken by MrPeng: Listen you earless mook. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "BAD PORNO."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> *Genuflects* Amen. Speedbump [ 06-30-2001: Message edited by: Speedbump ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr: Bleeet!! [ 06-29-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Down Mace!! Spanker, I don't care to hear your empty threats, hollow taunts, or vacuous blathering. I simply want my turn. If you spent half the time preparing game turns as you do verbally defiling the Pool, you would wipe the floor with me. Instead, you finished our last match with but two units, the lucky recepient of my bogging. Now away with you until you are ready, not to play nice, but ready to play! The rest of you: Move along, nothing to see here, you flock (gittem Mace) of debauched sots! Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr: Geez - you even riled up Mouse and got him posting three times a page again (and just when I thought my Exorcism had been working so well - back to the drawing board). <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> MrSpnKr[, before you go spending all of your time on a new saga, send me my turn you GIT! The rest of you bend over and cough! Bauhaus gittem! Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Marlow: All updates will now include a Suckatude rating for quick reference<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> While an interesting concept, I am not sure it has been fully developed yet. It is clear to me that we need an objective, measurable system of rating our opponents, which everyone understands. Not being one to complain without offering alternatives, I offer you the Gamey Bastiche Quotient or the GBQ. The GBQ is scaled from 0 to 100 as follows: 0 - True grog, historical mix using, War College Graduate. Able to discuss the muzzle velocity of the mythical Maus, citing documentation and Aberdeen Proving Ground tests. 50 – The average Pool player, one who will occasionally select a Super Pershing to support his British Paratroops, but realizes that this is a non-historical use of forces. 100- An edge-hugging, jeep rushing, sturmkompanie defending player whose idea of a good game is to crack code and give his opponent a battalion’s worth of prime movers and a sharpshooter. To provide a working example I will rate the players I am currently playing: dalem is a self-avowed 75. He has claimed that he likes to “experiment” (down bauhaus, I think he means in the game!). Our current game is a computer generated OOB, but he clearly maintains his high GBQ as illustrated by his complete disregard for my impenetrable (bauhaus, this is twice in one paragraph!) chain of mines, roadblocks and barbed wire. By penetrating (okay, bauhaus, I give up…) these obstacles he has actually had the nerve to flank me! Mace is a 60. He has informed me that his forces remain in the city, inside of his setup zone, preferring to spend time at the local pub, rather than come out and attack my Tigers. Then he complains about the use of sheep as a standard defensive measure. This is a good example of how a GBQ can increase by avoiding proper use of forces. Pawbroon is an 80. Again, an example that proves a negative. Because the French are culturally incapable of being effective warriors, by default they are gamey. MrSpkr is a 68. While claiming that the purchase of Hetzers and PzIV’s was not gamey, it in fact provided an unfair numerical advantage in a short-range ubertank slug-fest. By being forced to deal with these clearly gamey units, my American ubertanks (actually an oxymoron) were distracted and eventually defeated. Now he sends me a setup that includes a requirement for a defense in depth, on a large map, with Green and Conscript volksgrenadiers!! His rating will climb if I see a large contingent of Elite and Veteran paratroops! As you can see, this system provides a higher level of flexibility than a suckatude range of 1-10. I am now available to answer any questions from the audience. Speedbump [ 06-28-2001: Message edited by: Speedbump ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mace: I'd like to register a complaint about Spudbump Speedydump has actually stated that he has pegged out sheep in our current game to distract me. Sheep are cute and oh so fluffy, to have them treated this way is barbaric. I must henceforth declare both as being Gamey Bastiches, and I must ask that this gamey tactic cease forthwith! Thankewe, Mace <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> It is so rare in life that a cliche actually provides the perfect answer: "All is fair in Love and War" In this case, both elements of said cliche are extremely appropriate! Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr: That would be ME, you disgusting sample from a proctologist's lab test! LORAK, scribe thusly - In the battle of the übertanks, Speedbuggy proved as inept as his lineage would suggest. He bravely (?) tried operating single Allied Tanks against my übertank hunting packs and had his head handed to him. MrSpkr: Another GLORIOUS win Speedbump: Another HUMILIATING defeat. [ 06-26-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Lorak, whilst scribing, I must inquire: Is there a notation for excessive gamieness? The "victorious" MrSpkr, while technically "winning" after all my tanks bloweded up, should be chastised for his tactics. Our match was to be a battle of Ubertanks! Yet the bastiche bought PzIV's and Hetzers...Hetzers!! It was like turning the kitchen light on and seeing cockroaches running for cover. You stomp on as many as you can, but ultimately some survive. In the end, MrSpkr held the field with but 2 King Tigers. It is a sad day in the Pool when shenanigans like this are condoned.... Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berlichtingen: It is with complete loathing that I bold the following names... Sir MrSpkr (consider changing your username), Sir Leeo and Sir Speedbump. Congradulations, and may you all rot in Hell (You will anyway)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Oh my, do you know something I don't?!? Speedbump

Well, I must say, my character development was brilliant! I would say that between my striking good looks and my screen presence, I am a shoo-in for the lead in the inevitable spin-off! By the way, Lawyer can you confirm when the contract calls for syndication rights? Speedbump

We shall not see the MBT on page 2! My liege lord, Mr. Joe Shaw, is a most erudite individual. He correctly identifies a glaring lack of scholarly respect. One should always reference their sources on quoted material. As such: SOD OFF! Sucks to be you! die-a-lot Scum Sucking Newbies (SSN) Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Stalin's Organ: You failed. Why bother in the first place?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> "Suggested" was the operative word, I made no promises! Speedbump

Normally, I would spend my time more productively. But since my email service has decided not to be available tonight, I have no unplayed PBEM turns. As a result, it is time for game updates: Like an unlanced boil, my hatred for you grows unabated. While the majority of you, most particularly the SSNs, deserve only to be placed into a burlap bag and thrown in the river; I will call out a few in particular: MrSpkr, while slightly creative and barely suspenseful, is like the strange neighbor down the street. He mows the lawn in loafers and a mesh tanktop teeshirt, snarling at the neighborhood children riding by on their bikes. We assume he has a wife because there are two cars in the garage, but are afraid to look behind the always shaded windows. In our Ubertank battle, MrSpkr is proving that German ubertanks don't go boom as often when hit from a long distance as American ubertanks do. I still hold the hill with the victory flags, so he will have to come closer. In the meantime, he is enjoying himself by hunting down crewmembers of my outlying *boomed* tanks. I suppose in the summer he also burns ants with a magnifying glass. armornut about to be overrun by a human wave attack on a critical hill has decided that RealLife must be dealt with. I will hold the file in gleeful anticipation of the immolation of his undergunned British bumrunners. Pawbroon is living up to the high martial standards of his homeland. After receipt of the initial setups, he has realized that he has no opportunity for victory and has decided to avoid the field of battle. Put down the camera, and send me a turn you Petain-ese coward! Mace continues his torrid one turn every 3 day pace (slow down big guy, I would hate for the turns to take away from your posting time). After three turns, he has retreated his entire armored force inside of a town, relying on a single Jabo to win the scenario for him. The shag-sheeper will have to show more skills than that to prevail! dalem, on the attack this game, has decided to rush his entire infantry force to a single patch of woods, nowhere near a victory flag, and camp out. The game is approaching the halfway mark and he hasn't fired a shot. Maybe he is taking lessons from Pawbroon? The rest of you are flyblown lumps of infected animal tissue. Please die-a-lot! Speedbump edited to suggest some thought was placed into this post [ 06-21-2001: Message edited by: Speedbump ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Panzer Leader: I like to keep the number of games below 10, but I am now up over 20 and i is starting to piss my wife off, so for now, THIS IS IT!! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> The fact that you play one at all pisses off all of us! Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lawyer: And he's got a cute American wife, too. You just have your same old vulcanized rubber Aussie gub'ment stamper that you use to decide the fate of all the Japanese immigrants. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Are you saying Maceis married to office equipment, and not the flock?!?!? Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berlichtingen: STOP RIGHT THERE BOYO!!!! We'll have none of that here! The Mutha Beautiful Thread may sink low, but even we have standards.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> You know what they say: 'Anyone willing to have you, ain't worth having!' Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Iskander: Please desist in any further mentions of that most-disgusting Hungarian aperitif. It's mere existance somewhere on this planet somehow taints (bauhaus, back on the floor...) all other forms of hooch to be had. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Issie, I could not agree more. There is nothing like seeing our Hungarian in-laws through that syrup back by the bottleful. Claiming it has "medicinal" properties, they imbibe the stuff in shot-glassfuls throughout the evening. They definately "feel" better, just don't let them drive. Speedbump

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Speedy: I absolutely refuse to bump a thread created by panties.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I absolutely refuse to read a thread created by panties...oh, damn... Speedbump (not to be confused with Speedy)

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Panzer Leader: Now, the problems I see are many and varied. For one, an infidel, scoundrel, and lowlife known on these boards as Mrslnkr has somehow managed to throw the wool over Seanachai's eyes(wool panties perhaps?) and is now squire to the white-hatted cowboy. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Now panties, I don't pretend to be the most eloquent member of the Pool. I don't pretend to be the best player in the Pool. I don't even pretend to appreciate the finer points of various barnyard animals. But one thing I do, is to understand who the members of the Pool are! Last week, you accused a long-term Knight of being a SSN, now you accuse MrSpkr of being newly minted a Squire. I am begging you to go to the Cesspool and study who's who. MrSpkr was accepted as a Squire before you showed up. In fact, I believe that you are still the most junior "squire" here. Speedbump

A Public Service announcement: From MrSpkr, the voweless one: <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> I am stuck in Internet Purgatory here in rural Oklahoma. My wife assured me that her father was connected to the internet - I'm sorry, but I don't consider a 28.8K dialup a "connection" any more than I consider two cans and a string to be a "telephone." Anyway, it will be impossible for me to send or receive files here due to the enormously slow connection. Additionally, it seems someone from this local ISP has been banned by BTS because when I try to post from this IP server, I get the "your IP address is banned from posting" message. Either tha, or my ultraliberal father- in-law carries on a secret second life as EuroWarrior or EternalJusitce. But I digress. I am in Berli's idea of an Internet connection and I will not be able to return ANY turns until Monday night, when I get back to the civilized world of broadband internet connections. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> For those of us with a "normal" dial-up connection: Sucks to be you! Speedbump

A Public Service announcement: From MrSpkr, the voweless one: <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> I am stuck in Internet Purgatory here in rural Oklahoma. My wife assured me that her father was connected to the internet - I'm sorry, but I don't consider a 28.8K dialup a "connection" any more than I consider two cans and a string to be a "telephone." Anyway, it will be impossible for me to send or receive files here due to the enormously slow connection. Additionally, it seems someone from this local ISP has been banned by BTS because when I try to post from this IP server, I get the "your IP address is banned from posting" message. Either tha, or my ultraliberal father- in-law carries on a secret second life as EuroWarrior or EternalJusitce. But I digress. I am in Berli's idea of an Internet connection and I will not be able to return ANY turns until Monday night, when I get back to the civilized world of broadband internet connections. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> For those of us with a "normal" dial-up connection: Sucks to be you! Speedbump