Seanachai

Actually one of the more interesting threads I've read on the Outer Boards in some time. For a change, people are discussing the playing of a completed game rather than the unending idiocy of second-guessing it and rehashing old arguments (which simply couldn't have been concluded correctly, since the latest arrival and their special relationship with reality hadn't been part of the final decision). And although I found Fionn's piece very interesting, I was dissapointed that he did not address the concept of attacking the Peng Challenge Thread. His failure to describe whether such attacks were fruitful or ridiculous was the only flaw I found in an otherwise very thoughtful piece. The Capt is to be commended for an effort to get game-players discussing the playing of the game again. For his slight to the Peng Challenge Thread, well, he's a low fellow and a poltroon. But that sort of thing's never bothered us from anyone who's shown some honest worth otherwise. And I very much hope in my next game against Lawyer to get a draw. It seriously bothers him more than an outright defeat, which makes what would otherwise be a very unsatisfying conclusion quite enjoyable.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lawyer: IDIOT ALERT on the MAINBOARD!! Attention all Poolers. This just in from Col_Deadmarsh, as published in The_Capt's newest thread on the main forum. I think it is SCANDALOUS that he misspelled "masturbator", as that is one of Cesspool's treasured allusions. And I think this is further proof, if any were needed, that "Col_Deadmarsh" is actually David Aitken in disguise. Or maybe Seanachai.....<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I'm surprised the halfwit can spell anything at all. He makes me think of Rommel22, without the disturbing Hitler Jugend thing going.

Know this, you Knights, and Seniour Knights of the Cesspool, you Squires, and you Serfs, you SSNs, you Confused Visitors, you chortling Lurkers, you...Oh, sod all that for a lark! Shut up, you lot! And listen to a True Thing. Shaw, the most useless, annoying, contentious and posturing Seniour Knight on the Peng Challenge Thread, and Justicar to same, has the right of it, and I, even one of the Old Ones, was quite wrong. For Shaw has again reaffirmed that the joy of belonging to the Peng Challenge Thread is the joy of belonging, and specifically belonging to the Peng Challenge Thread. And, once again, that most totalitarian, Inquisitorial, and tradition-bound Toad has reaffirmed that: "Everyone comes naked to the Peng Challenge Thread." Engrave it above the gate to this Thead of threads, with Ole Foul Joe the gatekeeper. When you arrive here, you have no possessions, no history, no record of achievements. You come in here just the same as the gods made you: Equally obnoxious, useless, and vile in the eyes of your peers. Equally capable of taunting, amusing and educating those same. Each and every one of you is capable of rising to greatness. Each and every one of you begins as so much ****e. Each and every one of you will only come to post here out of a deep-seated love of this game, and the very magic that surrounds it. Once you realize this, the only logical thing you can do is post at least a quick taunt to an Opponent in the Peng Challenge Thread. This, I had forgotten. This, I had set aside. Yea, in my very desire to make the Peng Challenge Thread be the very best it could be, I forgot what made it great, and so made it very much less. It is to my shame that in these times of darkness, when even the very Forum which nourishes us and gives us place of precedence is under daily attack from complete and utter morons, that I could so forget my duty to Tradition, to Wit, to the Very Best and Brightest that the Combat Mission Forums can be. There are those of very much longer standing in the Combat Mission Forum than myself, of contributions greater and more significant, of understandings deeper and more fulsome than I can ever achieve. But many of them have forgotten that Combat Mission is more than a dry, humourless compilation of facts, charts, and the execution of historical theories and parameters. Many of the oldest posters seem to have forgotten that Combat Mission is a Game. Tonight, I pay tribute to an utterly annoying, useless, and yet... Now, there is a moment of understanding. Because I was going to type: great American. But that is so much useless ****e. Because what I mean is: Seniour Knight of the Peng Challenge Thread. Joe Shaw. God knows his endless posturing and demands strain the patience of every human being to the breaking point. But, for those of us cast away here in a World We Never Made, the postings of Joe Shaw are an affirmation. A proof positive that the Universe is yet ours, and yet so droll that even the Best and the Brightest of us have to take our cue from Joe Shaw. Shaw fella! My error was apparent, my arrogance rank, my apology done up at some length. Scribe it here, oh thou Justicar: Everyone comes naked to the Peng Challenge Thread. Slapdragon: You have sought entry into one of the oddest clubs in the world today. The Peng Challenge Thread. As I have said before: It is like a group hug, with knives. I would grant you every courtesy. But some things cannot be granted. Some things can only be achieved. Knighthood in the Peng Challenge Thread is one of the very strangest things that anyone will ever have to achieve. SHAW! Note it. Slapdragon should be made to play one hideous, 'I was a teenage Grogwolf' match as a SSN/Serf. Then, and you have the right of it, open the floor to Knights who would sponsor him for Squiredom. Then, let him play out his bid to belong to the Peng Challenge Thread as laid out by Lorak. The Justicar of the Peng Challenge has spoken. Someone hit the dim son of a bitch with a fish.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bauhaus: I say yep, sounds good to me......plus it stops me from receiving that title.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Actually, Bauhaus, lad, even though it is a self-assumed title, St. Bauhaus of the Immaculate Thingy is rather a good title. However, in light of your fears, I think you be redubbed St. Bauhaus, Holy Fool of the Peng Challenge Thread. You know, like that holy idjit, St. Francis. Here, are you going to start preaching sermons to the birds and beasts? Because that would be famous, lad, and way better than your recent posts!

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lars: Did you say pass the dynamite, my Liege?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Good Lord! Is that what he passed?! It's a wonder he didn't blow his pecker off! A rum thing that! Sorry, all, for that most uncharacteristic post, but I was just thinking about the Black Adder today, and it struck me that way.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dalem: Frikkin' Aussies. We're upside-down AGAIN!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Here, Dalem, help me gather my change up. And change your profile, you're not from Michigan anymore. I will be by later for my stirring and damatic concession speech to the Justicar.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Panzer Leader: FAKE!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Here, I'm inclined to agree. I don't see any postings from Mad Larg Bald Guy as to where our new home is. And Speedy? He's Australian, for God's sake. Surely we've learned what happens when they take the helm. Although that was a nice posting of the rules. Still, before I come over all noble and start doing my " 'Tis a far far better thing" in acknowledgement of the just arguments of that swine Shaw, I want to know I'm going to be going all dramatic in the right place. I'll just have to see what develops.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw: I am forced to agree on the pre-emptive Knighting of grogs. Look what happened the LAST time Seanachai rammed his "vision" of a new member through. We were harangued for DAYS about what a stellar fellow Simon Fox was and what an asset to the CessPool he would be ... WHERE IS HE? After all of that he's nowhere to be seen. I'm afraid that we're getting periously close to {shudder} recruiting again. Now Slap n' Drag 'em sounds promising. Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Now, although I normally treat Shaw's obstructionism and irritating posturing with all the disdain it deserves, I think some clarifications need to be made. I never at any time proposed elevating Slapdragon immediately to Knight. After seeing positive statements from both Peng and Berli (although Peng has apparently sobered up and is trying to recall what he proposed, and to whom), I maintained that Slapdragon should merely be allowed to move to Squire, and that he be granted the singular boon, although a new and radical one, of choosing the Knight he wished to be Squire to. He would still have to post, play his 5 games, and throw feces at Shaw, as all who would be perfect, parfait Knights of the Cesspool must. Of course, whatever Knight he chooses would still have to accept him, as no transgression against knightly perogatives may be made. Unless, of course, Shaw was 'simply unaware' of the abuses that Knights had been made subject to, and 'over-enthusiastic aides' had 'over-stepped their authority' and, 'made a right bollocks of everything', and 'the Justicariate (anyone else notice the similarity between that and Judas Iscariot), and the repeated assurances that 'Shaw, Justicar of the Peng Challenge Thread, is deeply sorry for any errors that have been made'. But enough about Shaw and his rather dim henchmen. I say that Slapdragon's rather copious string of posts to date should be taken as 'time served' on the issue of Serfdom, and that he should now be allowed to choose which Knight, contigent upon acceptance, he wishes to serve as a Squire to. Slapdragon, you should not view this issue of Squiring as servitude. Although it is, of course. You should view it as your Journeyman days under the watchful eye of a Peng Challenge Thread Knight. For here, you will need a mentor. Oh, I know you will think otherwise, lad. Anyone who's read your endless posts on the Outer Boards, many of them filled with and unctuous courtesy that is far more degrading and belittling than the light-hearted taunting and name-calling found here in the Peng Challenge Thread, might think that you should step fully into your own here in the Cesspool. But, beyond the matter of our simple traditions, lad, you're still finding your feet when it comes to taunting. Telling someone in a self-righteous and pitying way that they're not fit to tote guts to a bear as regards their forum behaviour, game knowledge, or fitness to possess genetic material, isn't quite the same as making a merry jest and challenge on the Peng Challenge Thread. We know you can step on cockroaches. What we wish to know is whether you can laugh, fence, and trade insults with gentlemen (however fallen on hard times). The Outer Boards clearly need another Orkin Agent. Here on the Peng Challenge Thread, we need something more. Now, notice the ever vituperative Simon Fox. The lad showed up here tonight and did the right thing. Simon, of course, isn't one of your giddy musketeer types who flourishes, and laughs, and makes passes with his wit that sounds like a rapier cutting air in a light-hearted display. No. Master Fox, you see, shows up here, lip-curled, disdainful, shoots his cuffs, and uses the blade of his wit to lop off the heads of several daisies, and then with a flick deposits them at the feet of his opponent and opines: thus dies beauty. He rarely lops off the head of a chipmunk in the process. He rarely notices that chipmunks have heads, even. So, given that the Peng Challenge Thread has been rather overrun with chipmunks lately, one could hardly blame him for a non-appearance. However, he did show up here to make mock of you, Slapdragon. Now, I say we do the right thing, and ask Slapdragon which Knight he would wish to be seconded to. It is true that he still needs to learn a man's craft, and, as my father always said to me, there is no place, Seanachai, for taking in the nature of the world like camps, courts, and the Peng Challenge Thread. [ 09-25-2001: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Fenno: Having made my notorious entree and having cleared out the the reeking air of the outer board, not to speak about elevating the level of ethnic jokes... ehm not very high but anyway... I felt an inexplicable urge to take a (hopefully short) dip in the putrid sludge of the pool. Let the confession come out! Silenced by the great bald one I come to thee knowing to be beyond all hope, the words of the poet dead on my lips, an obol in my mouth. But I loathfully spit the piece of nickel, just to see the worthless, salivated piece of metall dug out from between the two last unconnected braincells of Seany, who was foolish enough put his jelly head out from this stench, roll here and end up licked and sucked by you blister-handed wannabe oarsmen. Hold it! Now let me put my head down - not in awe and most certainly not in respect - but I hear your bowells moving, I can smell the blitz of gastric acid seeking its way out - the sorry excuses of taunts by those two unmentionable ones who should know to loath themselves even more than each other, those unterpoolers (any lower you can't get!) who so tellingly address me not not as sir, but ûber! [ 09-21-2001: Message edited by: Fenno ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Pah! Your ÜberFinn Masters cannot protect you here, Fenno. Here, all beings stand equal, with no nationalistic extra-bonus 'we need favourable treatment to reveal our true inner hero' status points factored in to the mix to guarantee unearned victories . Here, you're either capable of taunting or you're not, lad, and no one's going to lay a big old cosmic thumb on the scale of your abilities in order to make sure you get the best showing! Now, while I admire you're spitting out of obscure coinage, and the fact that you had the guts to show up here at all, given that BTS doesn't currently model a 'posting bonus' to certain ethnic groups when entering the Peng Challenge Thread, you have to understand that 'briefly' showing up in here and doing a bit of Tom of Finland posing isn't going to win the war to silence the truth about what a load of half rotted cod the Finns are, nor what a load of foetid dingo's kidneys the Ozzies are. In a word, lad, if you want to end all that evil bashing of übernations, you have to be in it for the long haul. You have to wake up every morning with the knowledge that before the sun sets, you will have to show up on the Peng Challenge Thread and reaffirm the taunting skills of whatever sad lot of pillocks you've decided to champion that week. On the Outer Boards you might be able to get by with calls for fair play, and the endless repetition of 'examples' of the gods' direct cuddling of various groups as proof of their 'natural' superiourity. Here, you'd better be willing to prove that superiourity every bloody day by verve, wit, and the ability to amuse us. Otherwise, you're just another whinger.

I'm sure the explication of your recent, sad, personal deterioration that was posted this evening on the Peng Challenge Thread won't affect turnout, as I'm sure that after your recent, inconsequential victory you're 'all better now'. Still, lads, keep something pointed and sharp nearby just in case. And if the man asks you to 'pray with him', run like a bastard for the exit. On a happier note, Moire is currently finishing her BA at the UW Madison on Lawyer's money, a naturalized citizen of America. There's no wind so wierd that it blows no one any good.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berlichtingen: Of his choice? Intriguing<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Yes indeed. You cannot treat a bastard of Slapdragon's standing the way you would any other idjit, Member # 12,000, by offering him the right to rake up muck and deposit it at Shaw's place to prove the drains are clean. The Old Ones must use a certain deft turn in order to compromise and corrupt significant Outer Boarders. Consider the efforts that went into suborning Steve. To this day he refrains from having most of us shot on sight. Probably our greatest achievement. Madmatt was mildly easier, if only because the big bald madman was all for this sort of bargee. Kwazy, of course, is more problematic. He is, after all, Australian, and the Peng Challenge Thread has been a significant mechanism for revealing the truth about Australia, and that has to have left him somewhat mixed in his emotions. As for Charles...what can one say? He is an enigma, wrapped in a secret, and coated with a sticky sauce that probably takes an expensive dry-cleaning to get out of your clothes. I'd like to think he accepts the horror of the Peng Challenge Thread for what it is, and that the glory and energy of its strange ways help fuel his determination to make CMBB the religion of a new generation. Course, I'd be happy if he just named a Russian tank commander after me, as a sort of 'inexplicable and anomolous artifact' in the next game, and gave a big grin whenever the Peng Challenge Thread was mentioned while the Gang of Four had coffee, and reviewed the utter uselessness of the latest crop of SSNs as a counterpoint to beginning their 'grapefruit and beer' Sunday brunch and Think Tank session regarding the new game. But then, I've always been a dreamer. All Hail the Mad Gang of Four! Crack tubes...

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrPeng: I'm beginning to think that MrSlappy should be a serf or something. SIT DOWN PSHAW! Let me finish, then you can start your foaming at the mouth about traditions &cet. 11. He is not a complete bonehead. XII. He makes people really really mad and he does it from a position of a certain amount of edumacated authority. 4. (this is the next point in my Pengnumertated list) MrSlappy appears to have integrated such concepts as Irony, Bathos, Sarcasm, Satire and Wit into his personality. (6.02 X 10 to the power of negative 23 {which I cannot in my feeble usage of UBB code make look right even though I have tried many times to figure out how to do a superscript}some of you filthy swine know how to do it. damn you). It might actually be irritating to MrSlappy to be recruited into our little Band of Bastards- The NEW miniseries coming soon to Haitch Bee OH! So, what do you say laddies and germs? Should we foist serfdom upon MrSlappy? force him to play that Scum Sucking Newbie MrWhacker in a round of JABO!? or Crodaburg? DEMAND that he return with AARs weekly - or even more frequently - Lets hear it for MrSlappy! Peng! [ 09-23-2001: Message edited by: MrPeng ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Peng is, except for all the bits that make no fecking sense at all, spot on in this one. Slapdragon has shown up here before, and has always shown himself to be a complete toad who cannot ignore the Peng Challenge Thread. Anyone who has viewed any of his recent explanatory, 'Welcome to the Combat Mission Forums, and Here's an explanation of " posts, cannot help but notice that the woeful bastard always makes a special allowance/acceptance/explanation of the Peng Challenge Thread. His major failing, to date, is that the stupid sod keeps calling it the Peng Thread, rather than the Peng Challenge Thread. We're not sure if this is some sort of attempt to suck up to Peng, which most all would acknowledge as horribly pointless and sad, or whether he's not yet completely recovered from his 'Near Returning to SSN Status' medical experience, which same mortality bullet he seems to have dodged, gods bless his sorry arse, but which might have left certain scars that even his apparent sarcastic wit and willingness to be called a pillock might not have made him free of. Many of you might think that sort of sentence structure is easy, but I'm here to tell you it takes the piss right out of a fella. Now, as regards Slapdragon, I think his ability to annoy (and the gods know, I've seen innumerable posts from people who are willing to cast him as one of Berli's chief mininons, or henchmen, depending on your want) to know that he's probably beyond Serf status. After all, when was the last time we had a Serf show up with the ability to annoy so many of the Outer Boards' utterly useless pillocks? I think his status as a Squire should be acknowledged, and assigned to the Knight of his choice. Oh, we could attempt to make the useless bastard a Knight by acclaim, but Shaw would just raise a major stink and sight chapter an verse of even our own most obscure posts to prove why it shouldn't, couldn't, mustn't be done, so I say we see if the pillock wants to be a Squire, and acknowledge his standing by letting him choose his own sponsor.

Lorak, when thou returnest to us, lingering here, bereft of your subtle touch and subjected to so much posing and posturing by Shaw that I'm starting to feel like I'm at a fashion photo shoot, regard this latest degradation in the Big Book of Degradations: Lawyer: Win Seanachai; Loss It was the best of Victories, it was the worst of Victories. But mainly, it was an insignificant, piddling, Allied Minor Victory. How the best of Victories? It was a significant, probably even life affirming victory for Lawyer, whose concern that he would come away with a 'Draw', whipped him into a frenzy of feverish planning, maneuver, and attention to detail that most folk wouldn't lavish on a career, let alone one Combat Mission scenario game. I remain firmly convinced that a mere defeat, even of hideous proportions, would not have filled the man with as much angst and fervour as the possibility of a draw. Which fills me with confusion, for as anyone who lives in America knows, the whole point of the practice of Law is to end up with an unbroken series of 'Draws', deals cut, and delays that make any legal proceeding in this country not merely a life's work, but most probably a legacy for one's children. A lawyer who can use the term 'swift justice' without following it immediately with a spray of gin out his nose as the attempt to suppress laughter fails, is no longer a lawyer, but a politician. And why the worst of Victories? Because, a quick glance at the forces left on the board at the end reveals that not only had the preponderance of force and advantage of position lain all along with the Man of the Law (and, after having done so, got up feeling all dirty and cheap and a little weepy, immediately wanting to call their mother and tell her she was right; anyone who lies down with a lawyer arises with shame), but even a cursory examination of the remaining forces reveals that by achieving merely an Allied Minor Victory, and narrowly staved off a Draw by doing so, Lawyer is revealed as a trembling, cautious, toy-poodle of a tactician. Lawyer, vile readers, is no Keyser Soze. He is not a man of will. Despite an overwhelming edge over my shattered remnants, he made no serious move to achieve victory until the last 3 turns of the game, and achieved it only in the final turn. Indeed, despite his taunts, innuendos, and misrepresentations, I attempted to move forward in reclaiming the bridgeheads throughout the game. Had I, as he accused me, settled back, a 'timid spirit intent on merely not losing', I would have achieved victory myself. But, the Man of Law did indeed 'triumph' as we must call it, or shatter what little self -esteem he may have amassed in his time here among us, over the Man of the North. I can forgive him, and that easily, his 'Minor Allied Victory', which he worked harder to achieve than Shaw does to obfuscate every issue and occurence of our lives here in the glorious Peng Challenge Thread. I can forgive him, precisely because I am a 'man of the north', his sneering attacks and personal belittlement of myself in his posts, his emails, and, I have it on good authority, the mumbled prayers that he offered up before an 'altar' he erected in his office dedicated entirely to his victory over 'the Hated One'. I have, you see, close friends in Washington DC, and, once informed of Lawyer's real world identity, it was but the work of moments for them to subborn office personnel, co-workers, acquaintances, and many others in order to build up a rather thorough and disturbing vision of the Man 'Behind' the Law. I had thought it would cost me immense effort and a considerable sum to build up a portrait of the man we know here as Lawyer. In fact, for the price of a couple of drinks (although anyone who's ever bought drinks in DC for the locals in the 'watering-holes of their choice' once they know someone else is buying, knows that hiring a major Investigative firm in a real city would be cheaper), most everyone who knows or has contact with him was only too ready to spill all they know of the man 'Lawyer'. He is neither well-liked, nor does he inspire great loyalty in those who come in contact with him. In fact, in several cases, when my shaken minions ceased to buy drinks, convinced they'd heard enough about him from several informants, the informants themselves bought round after round, begging my operatives to stay and 'hear it all'. I am a man easily moved to pity. Did I not, in fact, take on Panzer Leader as Squire? The picture of Lawyer that was transmitted to me as he was during the weeks of our game, has moved me to a level of forgivnance that I never expected I could feel for a creature even as lowly as himself. All made more sad by the fact that no hint of the soul-shattering anguish and panic that he was feeling was ever revealed in either his posts to the Thread, nor his emails to myself. Witness, oh ye of the Peng Challenge Thread, and know pity yourself. In the early stages of our game, he was filled with boasting and cockiness. Several co-workers and aqcuaintances remember clearly his odd references to his 'inevitable victory' over someone he called 'Seanachai' (although this was often hard to arrive at, since his pronounciation was hopelessly buggered), or 'The Old One'. As time went by, most of those my operatives talked to said they became 'uncomfortable' with his continual, obsessive references to, as they put it 'some sort of contest he was having with some guy in Minnesota, who he just started calling 'the Hated One'. Eventually, even those who were offered free lunches declined, because, as one fellow attorney, a lad from Maine, had it "It was some wicked weird, this thing he had with this Seanachai fella. It made me some nervous, I tell ya'. He'd start out the lunch smirkin' and grinnin', goin' on about his Stuart this, and his squad that, and without any warnin' at all, he'd be clutching his napkin, wailin' away about somethin' he called 'the Gun of Navarone'. Then he'd spend a good five minutes cursin', somethin' awful to hear, made ya' take a good grip on your steak knife just in case." From his secretary we learned that he had 'built some kind of weird shrine' in his office (the Victory Altar alluded to above). In her own words "It was, well, it was creepy. He had this really nice carved oak, panelled screen he'd pull around it when he had anyone in the office, and everyone in the office was forbidden to look behind it. But a couple of times I walked in on him, before he made it damn clear that the next time I came in when he was 'communing with Victory', as he told me the second time, that I'd be fired, well, after that I'd always buzz in first, and give him time to put everything away. What was it like? Like I said, creepy. He had these weird pictures that he did off the color copier plastered all around it, mostly just a bunch of guys I'd never seen before, like they were pulled off some website or something, and he had votive candles all over, and in the middle he had this picture, but it wasn't really a picture, it was, like, this silhouette of some guy's head, with a cross inside a circle that the priest down at St. Mary's told me is called a 'Celtic Cross' kind of like, superimposed over it. And he had like plastic armymen, and little tank models and stuff in front of it. What about when I walked in on him? The first time I walked in he was on his knees in front of it, and he was shaking, and weeping, and saying 'no Draw, oh please, no Draw! I must have Victory, Victory! It's only four weeks, I'll make sacrifice in the Ardennes, anything you ask, just grant me victory!' and all the candles were lit, and he had snot running down his face from the crying, and his hands clasped in front of him. When I came in he jumped up and turned away, and told me to get out." "The second time I walked in, he was on his knees, and he had this big hammer raised up over his head, and he was whackin' the hell out of some of those armymen and tank toys. And the language! I hope I never hear talk like that again. And it was all about somebody named Shankee, or something, and he was screaming about 'the old one', and then saying, 'no, the Hated One, the Hated One'. I was scared, I'll tell you the truth. And when he realized I was there, he jumped up and started screaming at me! I almost peed my drawers, I was that frightened. That's when he told me he'd fire me if I ever came in again, like I told you. I would have quit, but he gave me this big raise, a few days later, for no reason, and told me from now on I had to buzz him before I came in. I've got a kid to take care of, and I needed the money. But as soon as I find another job, I'm outa there." Finally, the most damning testimony comes from a young woman merely named 'Moire', who is only 17 years old, Irish, and, sadly, in this country illegally. She has a lovely, soft brogue, and despite her youth, has already seen more of life than she should have to face. As she told my folk out east: "I got this call, ya' see. I was working for this place that did 'escorts' and fancy stuff for that crowd; you know, lawyers, and lobbyists, and politicians and such. And I got a call from the woman who runs the place, and she said, 'Moire, I've got somethin' for ya' but I don't know as you should take it. It's this government attorney sort. He called in here and he wants...well, I'll just tell ya' what he said: 'I want a girl! And she must be young! And beautiful! Radiant as the sun, radiant as victory! Irish! She must be Irish! I will win! There can be no draw! I must win?' 'Moire', she told me, 'he's paying like an arab prince for this. He says he needs you to come once a week or so, and he's not sure for how long. Says 'until I win! Win! And put the Hated One in his place!' The money's fantastic, there's no question of that, but this one's a giddy bastard, and no mistake. I wouldn't blame you for saying no. But if yer willin', what he's payin' will easily hire you an attorney and cover all the bribes for you to stay in this country legal-like, if it goes for as little as a month.' So I took it on, 'cause there's nothing for me back in Dublin, now is there? And I went out to his place that first night, and he met me at the door himself, and said as how he'd given all the servants the night off. And he took me into this room. And eveythin' was real nice, very posh, and the only thing in the room was this computer, and this, well, I don't but what I could call it anything but an altar, and it had plastic green armymen on it, and tanks, and stuff, and well, I was raised a good Catholic, whatever's happened since, and I won't speak of it more, except there was a live-size poster of hisself at the center, and it was just nasty. But he was real polite, and gave me some folded up clothes, and told me he wanted me to put them on. And I was thinkin' he'd want me to do it there, but he showed me a bathroom where I could change. And it was men's clothes, scruffy like, and over it went this robe. And folded up with 'em was some sheets of paper tellin' me what to do, and some song lyrics. So I came out and found him sittin' at the computer, and there's all this noise, sounds like a war's goin' on. But the papers told me to go stand on this, well, platform, that was raised up off the floor in one corner o' the room. And when I climbed onto it, it was strange, ya' see, because after awhile I realized it was the outline of one yer states, and had the cities labeled on it, and all; I remember Minneapolis and St. Paul was where I was 'sposed to stand. And after about 2 hours, when I was gettin' pretty tired of standin' there, he finished up whatever he was after on the computer, and then he went and knelt for a while in front of the weird altar thing, and finally he came to where I was after standin' and I thought, here, now we're for it. And he got on his knees before me and gave me this awful look and started goin' on about all this ****e that sounded like a lotta stuff from a war, about 'rifle squads', and M-10s, and Stuarts, and some ****e that sounded like Nazi stuff about Panzer this and that, and then told me 'how he'd made himself worthy of Victory' and then I was 'sposed to kiss him on the forehead, which I did, and then, every time, he'd begin to weep, and then he'd kiss me feet, and he was way after using his tongue in the process, I can say. Then he'd look up at me, and go kinda wild, and muss his white hair, and l was 'sposed to pull off the robe and stand there in men's clothes, and he'd look at me and every time he'd scream 'It's Him! The Hated One!' and then he'd moan an scream, and fall on his face and thrash about a'bit, and I was 'sposed to put my boot on his neck and sing a song. Then he'd shudder, and collapse. After a bit he'd get up, pay me, and tell me what a fine young woman I was. Then he'd go back to the computer mumbling things about people named 'Peng' and 'Mace' and all sorts of stuff, and act like I was invisible, and then I'd leave. He never once put a hand on me in a nasty way, but sometimes he'd make me get down on my knees and pray for 'the Defeat'. I haven't always done right, but after six weeks with him, I went to confession for the first time in 3 years. Truth to tell, I'd rather spend a weeked with Jimmy Swaggert than see him again, for all his posh ways." So, vile brethren, there you have it. From this, I imagine all can understand why I feel nothing but pity for Lawyer, and laud his victory. The gods know what sort of nightmare might have been visited on the community of Washington DC had I won. Once I understood what was happening, it was all I could do to actually arrange my defeat. It was a near thing. If I'd managed one less squad shot up and routed, I might have accidently won. It doesn't bear thinking upon.

Gamey? You want to know what's Gamey?! You can't handle what's Gamey, Lad! Your post is wonderful. You've just stood on one toe, balancing like a seal with a conundrum on its nose, and asked all the peoples of the World to define religion. If you survive the definitions, explanations, disclaimers, rebuttals, and jihads, I imagine we could have you stuffed and mounted as a waypost indicating in which direction madness lies. Mind, I think pretty much everyone is a useless, gamey, 'unfit for the Peng Challenge Thread' pillock. But you could provide the rule that proves the exceptions...

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Captain Wacky: Once again you have fallen victim to the steeming, black morass of your own inflated hubris, which I think will soon come crashing down in similar fashion to a certain well-known derigible. Of course I am aware of the fact that I do not have to challenge Peng. You sir, have brazenly insluted my intellect, and I believe we shall soon be rectifying the objection in an efficient manner through ritualized electronic combat. It just so happened that MrPeng's high-pitched and rather girlish voice was the first to pipe up (in a rather unbecoming manner of a member of this strange little cult, IMHO) in regards to my aforementioned post. In regards to my seemingly hasty exit from this thread, I can only assure you that I was merely paying homage to the hideous bitch-goddess of real life. Now that she is through with me for the moment I fully intend to return where I left off. Now to attend to matters here *ahem*: You sir (if you are even worth of that title), Mr. Seanachai, have inflicted a grevious and wanton blow against my gentlemanly manner. You may therefore consider yourself challenged to a duel. I believe pistols at dawn is the traditional manner of dealing with such dastardly acts, no? I would advise acceptance of my reasonable offer, lest the yellow stripe growing down your back begin to present itself in the midst of your peers. Upon your confirmation a file will arrive at your doorstop in expediency. Cheers<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Oh look, it's back! Now isn't that nice? Yes it is, isn't ? The wee precious tyke. I always get them, you know. They always make their way to me. The ones who can string together more than six words of english without defecating in their own hand, and the ones who sit there trembling, poised on the edge of their own word useage, biting their lips, waiting for an acknowledgement of their existence. It's the look in their defiant, dim, puppy-dog eyes that always sucks me in to making a reply. It never works with Berli, God knows. They can do cartwheels, handstands, and juggle kittens while playing a kazoo, and the best they're going to get is spat upon (and likely not with the Dark One's spittle, but spittle he's commissioned elsewhere by means that don't bear dwelling upon.) So, er, well, lad, I simply cannot address you as 'Captain', as your betters have already been here and have that title. Wacky? Not only does that seem rather informal, but you don't qualify. Or at least, not at this point. We Old Ones have become rather used to this hubris. Someone shows up, and makes a large noise, and Challenges one of the Old Ones. Oh, the arrogant and laughable idiots choose to call out Berli. There is a certain, decidedly ignorant, perception that Satan is always up for a go around. And, while the Prince of Darkness is always willing to smile and permit a mortal the sin of hubris, he's no more likely to sign off on your need for 'validation' than he is to recall all of the minions of Hell for a jolly sing-song. Then, of course, there's Peng. Oddly, the Evil One Himself is more likely to give a happy nod to your existence than Peng. For you see, Peng does not operate from Berli's rather detached and humourous perspective. Peng actually shuffles around in the flesh, half drunk, deeply befriended by Elvis, and raised to the status of a War Gaming Rock Star (more on this anon, and some hair will be oiled, clipped, and curled by the latest dispatches directed at the Army of Peng!) And then, of course, there is myself. The Seanachai. The very brightest of the stupid bastards challenge me. Why? Because I've never purposely run over even the dimmest of animals that ran in front of me. Er, let me qualify that: that never ran in front of me on the Peng Challenge Thread. Captain Wacky, who hereafter I shall designate as 'Lieutenant Bunny' until he proves himself worthy of a better appellation (mind, I find the whole 'pissing about with another poster's name' so much annoying crap), but I am coming to the conclusion that 'the whipped and brutalized SSN' is taught best. Lieutenant Bunny: You've no chance of a game against Berli, no luck with the Peng, and while you've amused me, you've given me no compelling reason to play you. I'm at a loss, presently, as I've no Squire to set upon you. Amuse me, lad. Force the wagons of our intellect into a circle, and fire the arrows of your wit at our defensive works. Of course, it would be so much easier for you to just Sod Off. As regards you future posts: I shall watch them with a certain proprietary sense. But I do ask that you stop clutching my leg, and most especially stop clasping it so closely while rocking forward with that glazed, feverish, and expectant look on your face. Now, let us knee Saint Bauhaus, and pray. [ 09-22-2001: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Roborat: It is pretty bad when a lowly squire (albeit the senior squire) has to rescue the most holy thread from the insult of relegation to page 2. I think some punishments are in order.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Seniour Squire? Lord bend a duck over a chair and french kiss it, lad, you're damn near the bloody Eternal Squire! Am I to understand that Roborat and that other poxy villain, Capt. Foobar, aren't yet made Knights?! Jesus to jesus and eight hands round, lads, Francisco Franco's career covered a shorter span than these Squireships! Lorak! By all that doesn't revere Berli! Make these two pillocks Knights! My gods, the suffering! The anguish! The almost unrelenting stupidity! The merry laughter of Seniour Knights! Now that, by the gods, was entertainment! Motion made to make the stupid pillocks Seniour Knights by general acclaim for their unrelievedly idiotic but almost heroic willingness to not merely continue one of the first ever Cesspool Squire Humiliation Matches, but for their almost magically half-witted willingness to periodically show up here and admit that they were still attempting to become Knights of the 'Pool! One should never ignore, nor fail to reward, a form of dedication that borders on psychosis. After all, we might need to avenge ourselves on our enemies some day, and you can't beat that sort of dedication for 'low-cost, attentive to duty, who do you want killed, your Lordship' loyalty to an insane concept, now can you? All Hail Roborat and Capt. Foobar! Good enough. Now go get Peng another beer, lads.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw: Normally that might be true, but the ISSUE here is one of CessPudlian Traditions ... luckily for YOU I'm the keeper of the Traditions of the CessPool. [ 09-21-2001: Message edited by: Joe Shaw ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> THAT'S A DAMNABLE LIE, SHAW! You are the Keeper of the Cesspool laws, bylaws, ways, means, merits, and are obligated to keep the drains somewhat clear. It is Lorak, you vulgar sodomite, that is the Keeper of the Cesspool traditions! He is the Herald of the Cesspool, after all. I once offered you that role, and you spurned it. Which places you in the position of Labrador Retriever to Lorak. Lorak will pass judgement on what constitutes an 'affront' to Cesspool traditions (at least in those cases which require a ruling from a higher court), and it will be your job, Shaw, to resolutely pursue its extirpation from the Thread. Hahahahaha, Shaw! Hoist on you own Picard...er, petard, lad! You were offered the shot at 'Herald', but chose to pursue a flatfoots approach to justice. Mind, you are the 'lower' court (my gods, isn't that an appropriate designation). But for all issues that come under question, it is to Lorak that appeal must be made, short of conjuring the Old Ones themselves. Notice, Shaw, there is no appeal to this concept, as even yerself has made appeal to Lorak to make official your existence. Sooth your doubtless aggrieved soul by officiously overseeing MrSpkr's supervision of Lars booting himself in the bum. Then ask Lorak for a ruling on the how close your 'reign of terror' hews to Cesspool tradition. Oh, and then instruct MrSpkr to make Lars get Peng another beer. There's nothing like the 'Chain of Lackeyism' to make you appreciate a really fine heirarchy of idiocy.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Slapdragon: Poor Sean, disturbed by the outer board and feeling sorry for himself. I know two birkenstock wearing anthropologists who watch this forum and record every post you make, looking to plumb the depths of primitive culture. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> At last! The acknowledgement I deserve! I am the very depth of a primitive culture. Actually, that is pretty much what I set out to achieve by proffering my first challenge to Peng. Thanks, Slapdragon. I can sleep now. And people have the gall to say my life ain't workin' out?!

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mark IV: This has been the saddest day of my CM life (the above notwithstanding). Not because I am falsely accused...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> You're sad?! I've been harshly and cuttingly dismissed by Colonel_Deadmarsh for dismissing yet another of his endless 'Socratic Method for ADD Gameplayers' threads. I'm damn near suicidal, lad. How will I ever face my peers with him having posted that I'm 'pretentious'? Still, I suppose even a blind pig finds an acorn occassionaly. Oh, and on the Fenno thread I missed the whole point of the whinging! I bounced right in with an attack on the Aussies, and he was really all concerned about the Finns! You might point out, in my defense of your defense, that I did expose MrSpkr as a Texan.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr: No author listed in the friefings -- I presumed it was yours because it was, well, evil.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Er, I find the concept of an author, or any mortal being, listed in the 'friefings' disturbing. Were not the 'Friefings' the collected, secret writings of a group dedicated to the overthrow of Finland, the demonization of the Finns, and have they not, in fact, been thoroughly discredited and dismissed as 'UberFinn Deniers'? I remember now why I seldom go out on to the Outer Boards anymore. For one thing, I'm often moved to post, which is never a good idea, as I don't think my perspective is valued (as opposed to here, where I know it's utterly dismissed, but I'm not instantly confronted with the knowledge that it was dismissed by halfwits...well, at least not halfwits whose opinions I hold in complete contempt). Bloody Berliland, it's late again and I'm exhausted. I shall return tomorrow to answer certain furry mammals who crave my attention. As you post, so shall you reap. I've a big field o' thistles coming up on the Outer Boards.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Fenno: Almost on the right track, but on the otherside of the globe. The latin name says it all, and Slappy was not the main target. What got me to post was this endless ûberfinn joking by two or three members, who have crossed boundaries of good taste or wit many times. Slappy was involved in these flames sometime ago, but not lately unlike the two other mentioned. My main purpose was to bring some balance and reason to the discussion, but I see that I have failed. Mostly my own fault.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Here, this was all about the sodding Finns? Lovely people, the Finns. Long tradition of standing up on their hind-legs and speaking up for themselves. Not buggering about under aliases and newly created IDs and whinging. Still, nothing lost but another pointless locked thread, eh?

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Fenno: Coincidence? I doubt that. Allthough Slapdragon is usefull, knowlegable member of the community, he seems to be more than often engaged in flame wars and ad hominem attacks. In these same thread we often see nicks like Mrspkr and Mark[a number], At your mercy, BTS, we are your humble slaves... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I concur! Mark IV (this is very like a number; in fact, it is what the foolish Romans used for numbers), is a blight upon the CM landscape! He has often risen above petty squabbling in order to make points of pith and merit! He has brutally used intellect , history, and, most egregious of all, humour, in an attempt to respond to an almost endless river of drivel from folk who've shown up and stood mouth agape because no one has rushed forward to buff their shoes and hand them bouquets and dinner invitations for showing up on the Forum and voicing their opinion (often couched in terms of 'the revealed word of god almighty'). What can we make of this? We right minded folk will find in this either a deep-seated conspiracy to allow long-standing members the right to speak openly, or else a horrible conspiracy that has short-circuited the very nature of justice by attempting to take the piss out of the Finns and the Aussies! Now, I, as a member of no standing whatsoever, would venture no comment on the Finns. They are quite beyond me, and I live surrounded by their immigrant descendants, and know them to be relatively uninterested in silencing anyone who objects to them. But I admit to having long hated and attacked Australians! No one who has read my many vicious and completely satirical posts on Australia and the Ozzies will deny that I should be immediately put to death! And if I am to suffer the consequences of a sense of humour, how much more should Mark IV, Mr Spkr, and other brutally vile pillocks of their ilk suffer for having an even more developed sense of humour than myself?! Well, except for Mr Spkr, who's sense of humour is no where near as developed as mine, but he is, after all, from Texas! Barely rates on the scale, if you get right down to it. Er, where was I? Oh, yes, that hideous miscreant, Mark IV! Er...actually, he's rather a nice fellow. Got into a bit of a flame with him once through my own fault, and later we made it up and got along famously. Played a number of PBEMs against him, and... wait! That's right! The swine keeps defeating me! I say, banning him from the Forum on which he's been a long time member and contributor is too good for him! Burn him, burn him! Certainly showed that Joan d'Arc trollop, after all, and will probably teach him the error of his ways, as well! Here, I think I've completely lost track of what this has to do with what a load of dingo's kidneys the Ozzies are. Mace, Stuka, help me out here, lads! [ 09-21-2001: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lord General MB: Soldiers, The Lord General would like to say the following: Over the past two months I have been displaying clasic luker symptoms: Such as showing up every day, posting nothing, and checking for any BIG news (I.e. New mods, CM Borg returns, Peng challange destorys is self finally). I dont believ I have posted a message in several weeks either. It just seems like my voice has been drowned out, by the shear wait of poeple posting (what like 7000 members now?). Not that this is bad, but It just seems to drown out the indivadual voice. And there are now really only 2 mod sites left, I only need visit them, and not the furom (Toms, and Combat Missions). Any help to get out of this pickle would be VERY MUCH apprecaited!!!! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Lord General! Develop a constructive approach to posting to the forums, rather than waiting for your next pat on the head for contributing...er, what, exactly? Stop waiting for the death of the Peng Challenge Thread! (really, lad: Peng challange destorys is self finally? Our victory is guaranteed when your denunciation takes such an eloquent approach. Get some sleep, and practice moderation in your chemical useage). There! Surely no pickle can survive an individual's decision to better his universe! Hard to believe I've been here long enough to see another and relatively non-contributing generation complain about the loss of 'the old days'. At least the first group of veterans actually served in the conflict that created the game.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Colonel_Deadmarsh: Is it just me or does the M20 Utility Car run slower than it's top speed of 55mph? I swear that when it gets up to full speed that it's nowhere near as fast as a Hellcat which I believe has the same top speed. What do I have to do to get this thing to run at 55mph? Bore out the pistons? Take off the headers? Remove the restrictor? What?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Sigh. Consider, and apply your question, in terms of terrain, as already suggested? Not compare a wheeled vehicle's performance to a tracked vehicle's performance without also mentioning the terrain conditions? Contemplate that a figure such as 55mph is the vehicle's top speed under perfect road conditions, not the real world speed of taking it's restricted suspension system into account and measuring it against what it could do cross country while neither breaking down nor turning its crew into anchovy paste? Answering your question as a complete non-Grog, are you seriously this confused by a common sense concept, or just trying to make conversation because your bus home is late?

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by KiwiJoe: Well if you read the subject thread this was started so I could play NZ people both to see if I'am indeed the best player in the country, and because I want to play people in the same time-zone. You frenchys' can go play each other, and have fun, but please don't post in this thread if you arnt from NZ. Thanks <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Here, would you look at that, Pawbroon? We were sent off the field on the first page of this thread, and the Kiwis have been stumbling around drunk, playing against each other and slapping themselves on the back ever since. And what have they accomplished? They've proven themselves to be fully capable of losing to each other. Bugger, who would've imagined? Damn good thing we were ordered off early on, or it would have completely upset their clever plan of self-domination! Guess we should count ourselves lucky in the Thread of threads that we had the Australians show up who wanted to do more than annoy everyone by playing with themselves, as it were. Mind, the Aussies are still a nation of criminals. But they're our sort of criminals. A year later and the Kiwis have managed a handful of posts. Bless 'em, you have to admire their willingness to do their best. [ 09-21-2001: Message edited by: Seanachai ]