Joe Shaw
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Posts posted by Joe Shaw
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>You know that bananas are the spiritual centerpoint of Australian culture, and their name should not be uttered in vain, much like Jehovah.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Suddenly, a loud crack is heard and huge boulder is seen to rock, topple and then begin to fall down the slope DIRECTLY TOWARD STUKA! With every passing moment it gains momentum and speed, crashing through the low, stunted growths that pass for trees in Australia. Stuka stands with mouth agape, his typical pose, but appears not to understand his impending doom. The rock takes one final leap over a bank of earth and with a might SPLATTTTT! lands directly atop the stunned and unmoving Stuka! The crowd stands hushed as a small Stuka hand, apparently still alive, emerges from beneath the huge stone. From atop the hill a small voice is heard, " 'E said Jehovah!"
Joe
[ 08-27-2001: Message edited by: Joe Shaw ]
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Would they stop for a bunch of bananas?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Oh fine Mace, no sooner does MadMatt lay down the law about not offending ANYBODY about ANYTHING and you have to go and play the banana card.
Jerk!
Joe
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I'm still smarting from the unfair and cowardly whuppin; I suffered at the paws of Herr Shaw. Maybe I should challenge him again.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I agree, you were cowardly but I wouldn't describe your play as unfair ... unwise, uncoordinated, unclear, but not unfair.
Challenge away you pathetic little person, I have too many games going now BUT I did promise you another loss, uh, I mean game.
Joe
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Lucky for the Human race they had Mark Wahleberg and not Joe Shaw, as the big fat TRP under the ape army would've been useless without the LOS Joeneeds.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Hey pal, I don't NEED an LOS ... I can quit anytime I want to.
Joe
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Now this just WON'T do, not at all at all. First we have someJohnny come earlier, Johnny leave, Johnny come later like Hakko Ichiu (in fact EXACTLY like Hakko Ichiu) host the thread, then he DOESN'T post the rules and then, to top it all off, HE COPIES AND PASTES A POST HE MADE WEEKS AGO! Bah, and he probably expects us to have forgotten that and accept this as newly minted, well we're not that easily fooled boyo ... well okay Stuka is but that's different.
I tell you it wasn't like this on MY thread, wouldn't allow this kind of slipshod behavior ... I make certain that when I'M shod THEY DON'T SLIP.
And Germanboy has deigned to honor us with his presence, albeit it ever so short. Still we must accept those brief moments we are given.
Lars! Oh Lars! any report yet on Arty Fest '45? Have you crushed that pipsqueak Jar O' P*ss yet?
Joe
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Yhanks, YK, I tried to tell them, but would they listen?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> "Yhanks for yhe Memories" Panzer Leader, yes but it's like the little boy who cried wolf, after awhile you just DON'T listen.
Furthermore, I thought the title at LEAST as good as your constantly trotted out chestnut which, IMHO, wasn't that good the FIRST time we heard it. Dame YK2 is obviously just upholding the sisterhood by supporting it or another Mae West line. Let's hope that sanity prevails and another, more PC, title prevails.
In any case, I am pleased that MY thread was here to provide a bit of nostalgia for the halcyon days gone by ... ah my, you know what they say though, nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Joe
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Remeber your basic tactical principals and you will do fine.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> The key here would be for young Jar O' P*ss to use HIS basic tactical principals, that way he'll only LOSE, if he uses those of MrSpkr he'll be humiliated. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Oh yes -- if things begin to look dark, feel free to use the tac-nukes.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Apropos of nothing at all have you ever seen 14" BB guns in this game? Pretty impressive.
Joe
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I note with pleasure that MY squire was bright enough not to complain or [snicker] believe HIS knight could err.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Actually I think he doubts that HIS Knight IS an heir, one of those fungus and spore things I suspect.
The only reason MY squire noted the issue first was because, HELLO, he HAD the scenario first. If Jar O' P*ss (sorry, but rules are rules) had received it first you would no doubt have been hounded for instructions on EXACTLY how to press the GO button.
And, yes, My squire did question me, for which he was chastised, but you must remember that he is very close to being made Knight of the CessPool and is likely feeling his oats. YOUR {alleged} squire ISN'T even that ... yet. I have raised TWO excellent squires to the rank of Knighthood, how many have YOU trained?
I shan't be giving any writing assignments to MY squire ... he already has HIS assigment and it is to DESTROY Jar O' P*ss.
Joe
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>The soon to be BOOTED squire Lars, shamed me before the entire CessPool when he stated: I fear, Sire, that I must register a protest.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> ***Boot*** Lad, you are my squire ***Boot*** and for you to even SUGGEST that you have the right of protest ***Boot*** is ... is ... ***Boot*** that's what it is. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> The scenario that is Arty Fest ’45 is sadly broken. How can I possibly bring Janice-O-Cess the complete and humiliating loss that she so richly deserves when you ommited a bridge across the river? Not even an assault boat in sight. Could there be a ford I did not see?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Oh ... DAMN ... ***Boot***, that I must deal with such pedantic and narrow minded FOOLS ***Boot***. Look you lad, by CM rules you must gain MORE points than your opponent in order to WIN right? ***Boot*** RIGHT? That being the case, if you occupy YOUR half of the VLs and he occupies HIS half of the VLs, can you think of one or more ways in which such an impasse might be ameliorated in the final analysis? ***Boot*** CAN YOU? Perhaps ... I don't know, just talking off the top of my head here but ... ARTILLERY maybe? ***Boot*** If his troops are lying in broken and bleeding lumps about the landscape(and don't forget that TWO of the VLs are in the bloody river) then perhaps a combination of DEAD PEOPLE and VLs unoccupied by troops that didn't live to GET to them might SHIFT ***Boot*** THE ***Boot*** BLOODY ***Boot*** BALANCE? There are wheels within wheels here lad and I can't do ALL your thinking for you. Think outside of the firebox lad. ***Boot
Btw, nice job on Jar O' P*ss's name, remember however, that once Lorak makes him an official squire his name will be bolded an spelt properly.
Oh ... ***Boot***
Joe
{edited to put the Boot in ONE MORE TIME}
[ 08-25-2001: Message edited by: Joe Shaw ]
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ANNOUNCING ... ARTY FEST '45
Welcome to ... ARTY FEST 1945, yes all the fun, excitement and sheer thrills of TONS of BIG TIME ARTILLERY from BIG TIME SOFTWARE. You'll be blasting the living crap out of everything. You'll fire everything from rockets to mortars and you'll have all the tools you need to inflict MAXIMUM DAMAGE.
Join the rollicking hi-jinks, the crafty moves and downright devious and gamey play as we follow our contestants in ... Arty Fest '45 ... remember boys, it's awfully dry out there so ... Only YOU can start forest fires.
Now let's go to our first two contestants and see which one will be the big winner ... and the big weiner!
Representing the GOOD GUYS (and obviously the eventual winner), The Stallion of Squires, The Scandahoovian Samurai himself, the noble and gifted ... Lars (squire to Sir Joe Shaw).
And representing the EVIL SIDE (and, therefore, the WEINERS), The Nuclear Newbie, The Carolinian Carbuncle, the feared and hated ... mostly hated ... Juardis (squire to Sir MrSpkr).
Get your tickets folks you won't want to miss this one.
Gentlemen, come out firing!
Joe
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I mean come on, other than the fact that it lacks wit, style, panache, or even a modicum of good taste (sorely lacking in that regards) it is also an afront to BTS, Combat Mission, and this messageboard as a whole.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Much like yourself then.
Joe
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Southern Comfort, eh, that's what Janis used to drink you know, her and Bobbie McGee {a single tear wends it's lonely way down the cheek of Joe Shaw ... in memory} ... ah well, there'll never be another ... BUT as long as the bottle is around, here's to ya' darlin' {Joe takes a good slug and begins to softly croon "If there's a rock n' roll heaven, you know they got a hell of a band." but forgets the lyrics and hums "On the Cover of the Rolling Stone" instead}
As to the MBT ... No Man is an Iskander, that's what I always say or at least I will always say it after this time.
Joe
[ 08-25-2001: Message edited by: Joe Shaw ]
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>"Is That a PENG CHALLENGE In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?"<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Now look here Panzer Leader, you GOT your shot at fame when you hosted the last thread ... likely through a combination of bureaucratic oversight, bribery and blackmail (with MadMatt ANYTHING is possible), and a miserable bollocked up mess it was too. We've heard your suggestion for a title before and ... DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Oh, and I want Buggered for a squire! My first fan!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Well aren't we just full of ourselves. A brand spanking (sit dow ... no, no STAND UP Bauhaus we may need your services) new Knight and ALREADY demanding a squire. Well laddie me lad be advised that squires must be Serfs FIRST and THEN they may perhaps be made squires at the discretion of Lord Lorak. I, for one, am confident that Lorak will not follow his duty bound though terribly flawed decision (i.e. making YOU a Knight) with a tragic decision (i.e. giving you a SSN for a squire).
You may be a Knight, but you're a damned JUNIOUR Knight and don't you be putting on airs with us ... we knew you WHEN ...
{keep an eye on him Bauhaus}
Joe
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Well lads, it's nearing the completion of yet another Joe Shaw hosted MBT and as I look back on the 12 or so pages I think I can say without contradiction that it has been one of the best. We rose from our torpid, Panzer Leader induced lethargy to once again become the vibrant and healthy community we once were. Coincidence, HA!, don't make me laugh.
Is it coincidence when the Australians say something stupid? Is it coincidence when Berli pontificates (ooohh, there's an oxymoron for you ... no Stuka you're just a regular, run of the mill moron ... no, no, don't start crying it's really better, trust me)? Is it coincidence when Pawbroon DOESN'T make sense or when SSNs are pathetic little whiners? Is it a coincidence that Goanna lost our last game? Of course not, it's all part of the great plan of nature.
I take pride in the fact that ALL Joe Shaw hosted threads are ... frankly ... works of art. Pity we must have others host but ... there you are. Let's try not to make it TOO great a let down though, eh lads?
Joe
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Enough of the idle banter Joe Shaw. Where the hell is that PBEM game you keep wringing your gnarly hands over?! I need to taunt and I can't do it very well without someone to taunt at, you see. And THAT'S where LARs (does he get bolded?) comes in. He will, of course, agree to the map, any map, any battle. He's hungry...like the wolf...you know. And, well, DAMNIT ALL TO HELL MAN, SEND ME THE BATTLE ALREADY! KEE-RIST, it's been 6 hours already! And I was at work for 5 of them, so you had a head start!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Patience grasshopper, all good things (or REALLY bad things in this case) come to he who waits. In point of fact it's already DONE! It has been sent to MrSpkr for his review and then we're off to the races with ... Arty Fest '45. And damned right Lars is to be bolded, not only is he a TRUE and ANNOINTED SQUIRE (a healthy dollop of WD40 on the head is annointed right?) whereas you are an {alleged} squire, but he is the man who is going to beat you to within an inch of your life and therefore you should show some respect.
Joe
p.s. Stuka you Ozzie goof, (OH, that reminds me, MrSpkr do we have Australia down as a goober nation) the DEFENDENTS don't get stenographers, sheesh.
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I hope this doens;t get locked for being in the wrong forum. I feel it belongs here.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Yeah? I'm betting you're wrong. In any case I'll help out ... SNAFU ... Situation Normal All F**ked Up. Perhaps this might work better if you'd list some that have you confused rather than asking for a list of ALL possible military abbreviations.
Oh ... Hi Dad!
Joe
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Joe, Joe, Joe. You have, as usual , got the details surrounding your manic ramblings totally and utterly wrong. In short, you have failed.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> And he would be ... MrSpkr do we have a listing for ... we do? Excellent, may I have the file ... hmmmm ... named for an aircraft obsolescent in it's prime, yes, yes, Brisbane, Australia ... hmmm ... well no wonder then ... the ENTIRE cheerleading squad? Really? ... how remarkable ... but the group therapy for the girls was successful? Excellent. Yes, this should do nicely. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>A failure unrivalled in history save for the developement of British armour, the Valentine springs to mind here.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Note for the record, MrSpkr, proof of Groggly Tendencies ... everyone knows the Valentine was ... well, enough of that, GermanBoy might come back. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> You have however aimed your venting spleen in the correct general area of the south pacific. Only the country you mean is the smaller, smellier, inbred, 3rd cousin by marriage, distant relation of champion Aussieland.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Oh my, MrSpkr sounds like trouble in paradise, what? <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I am of course refering to Noo Zeeland, a country named after Holland fer
chrissakes!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Tell me MrSpkr, if it were named for Holland wouldn't it be New Holland? Really, New York's old name, eh, learn something new everyday ... first TRPs and now this. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Australia, is a junxtaposition of Australis, a tough as nuts Latin name. Anyone who has seen 'Gladiator' will know that those latino types were bad ass types not taken with the idea of pussyfooting around.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Any clue at ALL, MrSpkr ... no? No, I can't make heads or tails of it either, drugs do you think? Well I suppose that ENOUGH beer might. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Now if a country wants to be named after limp wristed, finger sticking in dykes, tulip picking, clog wearing pansies, thats fine. Just don't confuse them with us OK?, or I'll send the boys 'round to do a job on your knees.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hmmm, seems to be ignoring the OBVIOUS connection doesn't he MrSpkr ... after all they wouldn't call them OZZIES if it didn't have SOMETHING to do with mythical kingdoms with cowardly lions, strawmen who prance and heartless ironmongers eh? No, hehehe, nor the flying monkeys or emerald slippers, ah me. That WOULD be a horse of a different color, what?
<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Oh and Dale, get a haircut.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Oh now that goes too far. MrSpkr take down his name, that's right STUKA ... Now CROSS IT OUT. We'll teach him to disparage a good and noble Knight of the CessPool ... as if THEY have anything to talk about ... seen Mace's hair, MrSpkr ... yes, Sonny Bono lives indeed MrSpkr. Well that should be quite enough, excellent material, should make GOOD reading for the trial.
Sir Joe Shaw, Prosecutor and Protector of The One The True CessPool
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Well, I'm ashamed for all Aussies, all the time. I know that doesn't really have anything to do with your post, but it is true.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Now HERE we have a right thinking CessPooler. The insidious influence of Australians upon the CessPool has not been ignored by the office of The Prosecutor and Protector of The One The True CessPool. Let's examine our findings to date ... we are not done by any means. MrSpkr please display the first slide:
{A slide of water ... well MOSTLY water ... being flushed down a toilet}
Here we see that in the CORRECT, i.e. the NORTHERN Hemisphere, water drains in a Counter-Clockwise, what our British cousins might call an Anti-Clockwise direction. The next slide please MrSpkr:
{Another slide but with the water flushing in the opposite direction}
But in the SOUTHERN Hemisphere, the home of Australia, the water flows in a Clockwise direction. Now can any right thinking person condone ANYTHING that forces us to be further slaves of the clock? Next slide please MrSpkr:
{A slide showing a normal mercator projection map of the world}
It is perfectly obvious to ANYONE with half a brain that the NORTHERN Hemisphere, the CORRECT Hemisphere, is ON TOP, ABOVE, HIGHER while the SOUTHERN Hemispere, the home of Australia is BELOW, UNDERNEATH, LOWER. This is self evident. And the next slide please MrSpkr:
{A slide showing Mace, Stuka, Goanna, Slickxx and the rest of the FLAMING Australians inhabiting the CessPool}
I believe that THIS SLIDE ALONE would allow the CessPool to rest it's case, but MrSpkr and I are confirmed in our opinion that there are not only OTHER Australians in the CessPool, but secret sympathizers to their cause. In fact, next slide MrSpkr:
{A photo of a slim manila file folder, closed, with the legend ... "Australians and Their Sympathizers in the CessPool"}
In fact ... we have the names of a DOZEN SECRET AUSTRALIANS OR THEIR AGENTS.
We shall divulge these names ... in due time. In the meantime, MrSpkr and I are paying attention, oh yes, very close attention, to the posts on this The One The True CessPool. We note with approval the post of Dalem ... we NOTE ... the others.
Sir Joe Shaw, Prosecutor and Protector of The One The True CessPool
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Certainly, on the condition that there are lots of infantry units to decorate the shellholes with bodies.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Well DUH! What would be the purpose of having an Arty Fest without bodies to tear asunder? Of course we could just have a lot of buildings to be burned and destroyed ... hell, let's have both. Shoot me an email and we'll discuss it.
Joe
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>The {alleged} squire Jar O' P*ss, having forgotten that it was I who first proposed him for the HONOR of Serf, turned like a rat on his initial benefactor without whom he would NOT be even an {alleged} squire, no not even a miserable Serf but STILL a lowley and despised SSN and DARED to suggest that: Page 23 - wherein Shaw discovers that the bullseye[1] TRP is not a
victory location but is, in fact, some kind of arty magnet - which he still doesn't understand cause no one has a line of sight to it...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Now isn't that just gratitude for you. It's true, I'm far too kind and generous to the lesser amongst us. I should have put the Boot in early and often with this one, but I thought him better than this base piece of treachery. Obviously he has been infected with the sordid and devious nature that we all know MrSpkr to exhibit IN SPADES. Oh certainly, he will CLAIM that he is but quoting his "work", but the author is responsible for his works.
So be it. I propose that MrSpkr and I create a scenario for the duel between our one FULL FLEDGED AND ACKNOWLEDGED squire, i.e. MINE, Lars, and his {alleged} newly minted and still wet behind the ears, treacherous and backstabbing underling Jar O' P*ss.
Because it is against my principles to FORCE anyone to play CM, I REQUEST that my squire take up this battle. It is only fitting and proper that our underlings fight this the good fight.
The battle shall be an ARTY FEST and MrSpkr and I shall ensure that it is balanced and fair ... allow me to rephrase that ... I will ensure that MrSpkr does not create any portion of the scenario that is unbalanced or unfair.
So MrSpkr, {sneer}, do you agree to my proposal?
Joe
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Being as you are an {alleged} squire (squirrel more like), you are not (you do understand not, right?) worthy to tell Ste. Bauhaus a bloody thing<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> {gag} Well said Berli. Damned SSNs and Serfs are getting awfully uppitty lately. I think we need to do SOMETHING and the stench seems to be worse when the corpses accumulate so THAT'S not going to work.
Joe
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>MrSpkr expounded thusly: Now, let me amend that for you just a slight bit: DO {BOOT} NOT {BOOT} SOUND OFF {BOOT} {BOOT} ABOUT ANYONE ELSE'S {BOOT} PAIR, EITHER! {BOOT} {BOOT} {BOOT}
Got it?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Well, talk about your presumptious gits! Just because YOU have claimed young Jar O' P*ss as squire does NOT make it so. Until Lord Lorak posts it it is null and void ... luckily for you he (that is to say Jar O' P*ss) is only a serf and serfs are made for the boot or we might have a lawsuit on our hands.
Speaking of lawsuits ... You Freaking Idiot I DON'T have an Enigma machine with which to decypher your drunken, coded messages. No doubt you found it indescribably droll to equate Lawyer with a barracuda but the reference escaped EVERYONE. As to the SINGLE word clue "return", are you really under the impression that I read ALL of your posts ... {snicker}? I have a hard enough time keeping my lunch down as it is without going over your fevered ramblings word for freaking word.
I DO however, give you credit for following MY lead in the training of your {alleged} squire. It's important to keep them busy you know. Unfortunately the topic is simply not ON as it assumes facts not in evidence ... or hearsay ... or something.
Lars, oh Lars kindly remind me to properly spell and bold young Jar O' P*ss IF (let's not be presumptious here) he ascends to the rank of squire. Oh and how is the paper coming, "Sir MrSpkr Fried Okra or Fried Okie?"?
Joe
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Do not attempt to approach the Barracuda[, as strong and unexpected bursts of litigiousness have been associated with this event.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Let's see if I got this straight ... you've invited another SSN and (as if THAT wasn't enough) it's ANOTHER LAWYER! The only way it could be worse was if it was an Australian SSN lawyer.
You got some 'splaining to do Lucy.
Joe
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<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>That greasy little SSN Scuzball ... something like that, stated: Far more embarrassing, however, is the tone of the messages he has been sending with each turn. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Now look here lad, The things that are of the CessPool STAY in the CessPool, the things that are NOT ... are NOT IMPORTANT. In other words, posting emails or portions of emails (except under exceptional circumstances) is just NOT done. If they were not writ in the CessPool, let them remain beyond the CessPool.
Joe
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Peng Challenge
in Combat Mission Archive #3 (2001)
Posted
I note with approval that none of the current crop of CessPoolers are to be involved in the disgusting WILD BILL RUMBLINGS of WAR Tourney being promoted on the outerboard. It is possible, I suppose, that one or more DID sign up but were wise enough to use aliases.
HOWEVER ... I ALSO note that Jar O' P*ss, {alleged} squire to MrSpkr DID attempt to join the tourney only to be turned down flat. No doubt his answer to the questions posed i.e. "Describe what, in your opinion, was the most critical function of women in WW2. Provide illustrations and diagrams to support your thesis." had something to do with the decision to include him OUT ... "Oh WOW, man, like ya know, the babes in WW2 were like REALLY hot, ya know, like look at this picture dude."
However his failure should in no way diminish the fact that HE TRIED TO JOIN THE TOURNEY ... and under his own name. Any respectable CessPooler who had ... these urges ... come over him would saunter over looking casual, dressed in a long overcoat with a hat pulled low over their eyes and register under a name like "Ima Psuedonym". They would NOT beg, plead and whine for a position in the tourney, send countless messages requesting updates and then finally post the following in response to the news that they had NOT been selected: <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>NUTS!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Not only does that have a groggly flavor to it, but it is just unseemly.
Why do I bring this up? I believe that Lorak must CAREFULLY examine the cirriculum vitea of young Jar O' P*ss before he decides to make him squire to MrSpkr, in fact MrSpkr may well wish to withdraw his offer in the face of this damning evidence.
Joe