Jim Boggs Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 Okay the time has come to put an end to the lies, distortions, and misleading comments. That's right I'm talking The Home & Garden Network. These people, with their thirty minute remodeling and do it yourself programs have deceived the American people long enough. I say it is time we rise up and put a stop to the madness. Want to put tile down in your kitchen? NO PROBLEM, according to H & G Network! As the show starts we see a lovely kitchen (which IMO is just fine the way it is), but apparently, the linoleum floor is just a bit too white for the appliances and there is severe color clashing going on. This is apparently a very unsettling condition which affects most of the female population in this country. Men apparently are not sensitive to these states of color conflict. The smiling host and his partner, the hostess, open the show dressed in shorts and T-shirts and wearing tool belts that have more tools than your local hardware store would ever dream of stocking. "First we must remove all the appliances so we can begin the simple task of removing the linoleum floor to prepare a solid base and foundation for the new tile" smiles the host. The hostess chirps in, her teeth flashing with a whiteness that your toilet bowl can only dream of having, "Be sure that you unplug all your appliances before moving them!" Cut to next scene: All the appliances have been removed and now the host is gazing at the floor that is to be removed. "Okay, now all we have to do is pull up the old flooring and the base underneath and then we can begin laying some tile!" The hostess seems to be on the verge of some orgasmic moment as she repeats the last line, "That's right, then we can lay some tile!!!. The host, somewhat startled by this outburst is still the consumate professional, "But first, here's a word from our sponser!" Here's the first clue that something is not quite right. As they start to pull up the old flooring, we notice that they are wearing shorts and that through the window streams the sunshine of a hot summer day. When we come back from commercial, we see that the old floor has been totally removed, but for some reason IT'S NOW SNOWING OUTSIDE!!!. I could go on, but I am sure that there are many among us here who have also suffered through this Do It Yourself Divorce programming and hopefully are ready now to step up and move forward in the campaign to force Truth in Broadcasting standards to apply to the evil and despicable H & G Network. I wonder if Berli is a major stockholder? My guess is that this whole concept originated in his devilish mind. Next: The truth about 30 Minute Meals from The Food Network. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rune Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 Amen Brother Boggs, The nearest I ever got to considering hiring a hitman, with a target of my wife was re-finishing a wooden floor. If man was made to sand a floor while his wife was about, she would have been born round and fitting the bottom of the sander. Not only must you go over the floor apparently 25000 times with different grades of sandpaper, but every single speck of dust must be removed before applying the varnish and sealer...whoich stinks so bad you have to go live in a hotel for a week. This is. of course, opposed to the several times a day where my wife has found a justifible reason to hire a hit on me. Today in my house, the downstairs bathroom is being completely ripped apart for a remodelling, the front roof ie being re-done [clay tile roof] and a closet added to one of my son's room. All this is occuring exactly at the saem time. I figured I had to piss off Berli by holding the scotch for ransom to deserve this treatment. So, you Floridiot, you force me to agree with you. Do NOT do this again, or I will send you a scenario. Rune Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Radley Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 Wow. To be in agreement with rune... (I sense a great disturbance in the Force.) ...boy, I bet this ratchets up, Boggsy's obssesive/compulsive hand washing a few notches. (Split infinitive: -5pts) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dalem Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 I'd better hear the pitter-patter of gnome feet on my front porch in 2 hours or somebody's in El Truble! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Radley Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 Originally posted by dalem: I'd better hear the pitter-patter of gnome feet on my front porch in 2 hours or somebody's in El Truble! Ask him if the squirrel wheel that powers his computer slipped a belt. El Truble? Isn't that near Wedlock? I hear you were born just outside of there. Mighty pretty country up that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Boggs Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 Originally posted by dalem: I'd better hear the pitter-patter of gnome feet on my front porch in 2 hours or somebody's in El Truble! I think you would get a lot farther if you tried some patience and understanding dalem. You are aware that the gnome is a life long practitioner of obstinance? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Radley Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 Originally posted by Jim Boggs: </font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by dalem: I'd better hear the pitter-patter of gnome feet on my front porch in 2 hours or somebody's in El Truble! I think you would get a lot farther if you tried some patience and understanding dalem. You are aware that the gnome is a life long practitioner of obstinance? </font> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrSpkr Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 As experience rears it's ugly head in Boo's life . . . again. Childless by choice, eh, Boo? Sure. We believe you. I promise. Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dalem Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 You know, Seanachai, unless you've snuck into my house and managed to not wake the dog and are slowly and stealthily creeping up behind me right now with hands outstreched to choke the very life from me, you are one late and unreliable mofo pillock asshat seat-sniffing jackhole. I hate you and will eat your brain you steaming fewmet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Boggs Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 Originally posted by dalem: You know, Seanachai, you are one late and unreliable mofo pillock asshat seat-sniffing jackhole. I hate you and will eat your brain you steaming fewmet. Well it looks like you have the understanding part down, now work on your patience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Radley Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 Six Things You Didn't Know About Minnesota Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Shaw Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 Originally posted by dalem: You know, Seanachai, unless you've snuck into my house and managed to not wake the dog and are slowly and stealthily creeping up behind me right now with hands outstreched to choke the very life from me, {snipped irrevlevant parts}Works for me. Joe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lars Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 You forgot the fact that we can enjoy a beautiful autumnal day. In friggin August... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stikkypixie Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 Originally posted by Joe Shaw: </font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by dalem: You know, Seanachai, unless you've snuck into my house and managed to not wake the dog and are slowly and stealthily creeping up behind me right now with hands outstreched to choke the very life from me, {snipped irrevlevant parts}Works for me. Joe </font> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OGSF Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 Ah foond thas wee ditty an' at reminded ame o' tha festerin' pillock Boo "Ah've crapped mah pants an' cannae reach 'em" Radley: Many many years ago when I was twenty-three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad. And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mom and it surely makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, she is my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa! Tha End. Ah've ainvested mah combined Power Ball an' Lotto winnings' alraidy - $31 worth o' chocolate coated raisins' cos Ah'm expaictin' a shorrrtage. Ye cannae sae tha Scots are noo canny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rleete Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Oh, great. Mr. mouthfullofmarbles is back. How...nice. I blame Joe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Shaw Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Originally posted by rleete: Oh, great. Mr. mouthfullofmarbles is back. How...nice. I blame Joe. Lad I'll have you know that Sir OGSF was a valued member of the CessPool when you were rgreen ... would that he had stayed and you had strayed! Now apologize to your betters ... could take a while I realize but the longest journey begins with a single step ... you can start with aplogizing to ME for making me say nice things about OGSF. Joe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noba Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Originally posted by Joe Shaw: </font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by rleete: Oh, great. Mr. mouthfullofmarbles is back. How...nice. I blame Joe. Lad I'll have you know that Sir OGSF was a valued member of the CessPool when you were rgreen ... would that he had stayed and you had strayed! Now apologize to your betters ... could take a while I realize but the longest journey begins with a single step ... you can start with aplogizing to ME for making me say nice things about OGSF. Joe </font> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Radley Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Originally posted by OGSF: Ye cannae sae tha Scots are noo canny! That's quite true, OGSF, when it comes to cunning and guile any Scotsman is indistiguishable from a weasel. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I say "Cunning and guile"? I meant to say hygiene and table manners. And if it's chocolate covered raisins you're craving, I can easily give you $31 worth. It will afford me the opportunity to purchase more rabbit food. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lars Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Just a note on this sad wintery August day. I'm Forty today. And in honor of it, God has made the temp match my age. I'm so damn blessed... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leeo Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Happy Feckin' Fortieth, Lars. May you be a day in Heaven 'fore the Devil knows you're dead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrSpkr Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Originally posted by Lars: Just a note on this sad wintery August day. I'm Forty today. And in honor of it, God has made the temp match my age. I'm so damn blessed... Happy birthday, Lars. Don't eat any chocolate covered raisins Boo may send -- they're for dalem. Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Shaw Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Happy Birthday, my YOUNG former Squire. Just remember, growing older isn't so bad ... once you consider the alternative. Joe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lars Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Originally posted by MrSpkr: Happy birthday, Lars. Don't eat any chocolate covered raisins Boo may send -- they're for dalem.Can I suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrSpkr Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Originally posted by Lars: </font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by MrSpkr: Happy birthday, Lars. Don't eat any chocolate covered raisins Boo may send -- they're for dalem.Can I suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl? </font> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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