It Was the Best of PENG CHALLENGES, It Was the Worst of PENG CHALLENGES

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>WTH does a serf do and why are they rank?! Do they bring out the dead and not wash afterwards? Polish the boots of the big and fearsome Keeenights? Shovel the ****e out of the stables and then thank the lawds profusely? Suck up, bow down, kiss ash?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Ummm, yeah basically. Actually it just gives you ... recognition. Before you (I'm speaking generically here, wouldn't do to give YOU ... as in Jar O' P**s YOU ... anything before Lorak recognizes it) are a Serf you're an SSN and worthless to boot ... meaning that you aren't WORTH putting the boot in as is done frequently to Squires.

Lars come here a moment.

Yes my liege, you require something, more okra perhaps, chocoate or something stronger?

No, just this ... **Kick**

{tears well in Lars eyes} ... thank you Sir, may I have another?

Not just now, making a point you see, back to your paper ... what was it again?

"Berli and the Effects of Getting Up on the Wrong Side of the Brimstone" my liege.

Quite so, carry on.

So you see, as a Serf you're still worthless BUT you are recognized AND a Knight may then choose to take you to Squire and well ... you're on your way then.

Joe

[Juardis]

Lars, it's a little late to be getting that kind of feedback, don't ya think!?. Sure would've been helpful at, oh, say... 11:15pm!!

Mr. Shaw, if I understand correctly, that places SSNs in the same category as toe jam, whilst a serf is elevated to the same category as the smell that toe jam leaves behind. A squire is one who actually cleans the toe jam and of course, the big fearsome Knights are the ones with toes. Wow! Sorta puts the cesspool in perspective now. I can see where it would behoof one to become a serf. Thanks for the explanation.

[ edited because I'm an id e ot]

[ 08-16-2001: Message edited by: Juardis ]

[OGSF]

Lorak ye bloated leech ain a warthogs boil, mark oop tha followin' raisult, af'n ye'd bae sae keend - or noo, at dinnae matter tae mae laddie...

Stuka Slight win

OGSF Slight loss

At were an experimental gam wi' 300 crack German's (mah brave laddies), defaindin' agin 1,100 regular G.I.s'. An' those numberrrs are "fair dinkum". Ah widnae recommaind defaindin' agin anythun wi' a 25% bonus fer tha attacker just noo.

SirMacOberGruppenBloodyStompinSicFeuhrerbastardABCDJimmyCo-conspirator

Edited fer containt.

[ 08-16-2001: Message edited by: OGSF ]

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Juardis:

I'm an id e ot<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Good realization.

[Moriarty]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Gamey, gamey, gamey, gamey I'm SICK to death of GAMEY this and GAMEY that and tourneys cancelled (not that I care about THEM) because players are being FREAKIN' GAMEY! They want to see GAMEY, LET'S GIVE THEM GAMEY!

While Mace was roundly and deservedly shouted down for his skill based tourney, I propose a tourney BASED ON GAMEYNESS! That's right, I propose that we sponsor the First Annual CessPool Gamey Tourney.

I mean, Hell, it's about time we gave something back to the community isn't it? Let's set up a series of the gamiest maps we can think up, insist that every player make the gamiest purchases they can and that every single gamey tactic under the sun be used by each player. So who wins? The player who shows the most gameyness of course. We get reports from all players and the one who shows most CessPool gameyness is the winner. What do they win? Who the hell cares!

GAMEY IS AS GAMEY DOES. It's about time that we GAMEY players get the respect we deserve.

Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Mebbe you should have opponents select each others forces.

Oh, and Mace, nice touch having the MG crew lead the attack. Fine piece of work, that.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I can see where it would behoof one to become a serf.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> OH ... I GET IT ... Toejam ... behoof ... wow, that's just ... just ... hmmmm.

Moriarty don't be an idiot ... opps, too late. How would it prove that YOU'RE the gamiest of them all to have your opponent buy your troops? You're right about Mace of course, I found myself with equal measures of outrage and admiration.

Joe

[Agua Perdido]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

I found myself with equal measures of outrage and admiration.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Whatever. Most people use meditation or a twelve-step program. Have you tried Hare Krishna?

Aloha from sunny Honolulu! My time in the tropics is nearing its end (meaning I'll get to spend my days someplace with windows and no nasty government cubicles), so I thought I'd bring you some

UPDATES!

Joe Shaw is a whining (and probably whinging and possibly breaded) bastard. He complains that he's only killing me a little. He moans that he went through all the trouble of doing nothing at all during my long years of squirehood and I don't bother to post for two days while I'm on vacation--uh, working--in Hawaii and forced to read the forum on a crappy hotel phone connection. At least we agree that the Berli scenario we're playing is gamey, undigestable ****e that we wouldn't even wish on Croda. We're looking forward to the mid-game.

Deke Fentle continues to be an unswervingly-gamey bastard, though exactly how I don't recall. However, my uber-zooks of DOOM continue to cause havoc. Last turn: 'zook charges patch of woods, discovers 50mm AT gun, close assaults it and wounds a crew memeber. This turn: 'zook fires one shot from 3m, knocks out AT gun and captures surviving crew. Surrender now, whuppin' boy, or I'll sick my uber-zook on the rest of your forces!

Goanna is sending me bogus files because I'm either beating him badly or not. Fix or do somefink!

Croda has returned to hibernation, and I'll look for another turn next spring.

Terence has returned to hiding, too, after a promising start. It's my turn, but I'm not going to send it until he comes back to the MBT and says something unflattering about Chupacabra and makes appropriate gestures of abasement before the horror of Mormon Wives Revisited.

Seanachai is so terrified of a rematch with me that he didn't even say "good night" a few pages back, the peevish bastard. I've already filed a complaint with the ACLU (not that I expect them to do anything, but it really annoys them).

And thirdly, I must update on my recent hot-seat games with the gamiest of all gamey bastards, Duke Paoa Kahanamoku. I agreed to lead an assault played on his Canoe Club map. I should have bailed out when I saw his ahistorically-cute waitresses, but I decided to give him a break since I'd bought two different models of M4. Well, no sooner had I reached his MLR than he sprung an ambush of Mai-Tais followed by Blue Hawaiians! What kind of gamey crap is that? Might as well buy US Glider troops and Churchill VIIIs! At least his last-turn check-rush was a nicely-hopped IPA, leaving me "in the clear." Lorak, record it so:

Mai-Tais: Major victory

Agua Perdido: Posting somefink to you feckin' idjits when I'm in feckin' Hawaii!

Agua Perdido

[Edited to ensure I spelled "Kahanamoku" correctly. Turns out I had. However, "thirdly" was spelled wrong, so good thing I checked.]

[ 08-16-2001: Message edited by: Agua Perdido ]

[MrPeng]

Gentleworms:

After serving as Elvis' Garscon du piss for several games, we are back on top. Some inferno map created by the Evil Berli and found at Der Kessel. It was small and yet filled with the sort of fear and carnage that we here at the AofP enjoy. I particularly like the close quarter fighting when the satchel charges fly - those Brits drop like flies when those lovely sacks of HE drop among them. One squad accounted for 17 casualties, and a brave little schreck team took out two shermies and caused 4 infantry casualties. Glory glory glory

Lorak if you please.

Army of Peng 85 big fat hairy points

Elvis of Costello 15 pastey looking points with bad teeth and big ears.

[Buzzsaw]

If Lars seems dazed lately, ask him about his recent losses in our battle. I don't want to give more details for fear of spoiling the scenario (although I think everyone has probably played it before expect for us, and it is such a twisted and rotten scenario that it was really spoiled even before Croda finished it).

MrSpkr, I think you are going to have to find a better second to fight your battles. Lars has been doing alot of simpering about how I spot shrecks in foxholes from 600 meters. Also, One of my crews appears to have gone fanatic (suicidal is more like) and has charged up the hill. He'll probably take the VLs himself and capture the rest of those nasty Germans.

[MrSpkr]

(Scene: MrSpkr and MrsSpkr are walking through Cess Park on a fine summer's day. The grass is green, the children are playing (elsewhere) and all is right with the world. Suddenly, MrsSpkr stops and looks down at her shoe)

MrsSpkr: "Oh dear."

MrSpkr: "What is it, honey?"

MrsSpkr: "I seem to have stepped in something rather slimy and disgusting."

MrSpkr: (looking around) "Is Lorak around here? I warned him not to take that Lardfizz out into public until the pathetic little serf was housebroken."

MrsSpkr: "I don't see him."

MrSpkr: (examining the shoe) "Oh, this isn't Jar O' AlkaSeltzer at all. This is that Musty Stall fellow."

MrsSpkr: "I thought he disappeared around 300 posts back."

MrSpkr: "He did. Why do you think we changed the title of the Muthah Beautiful Thread? Unfortunately, it looks like he got somebody to read the threads for him and point him in this direction. Probably one of those grog types."

MrsSpkr: "Well, it could be worse. That Mouse fellow could be hanging around."

MrSpkr: "Yes, it is nice now that he has disappeared, isn't it."

MrsSpkr: "Maybe this filthy little critter could follow Mouse's lead."

MrSpkr: "One can only hope, dear, one can only hope. Now, let's get moving. Joe promised us fried okra tonight."

MrsSpkr "That Shaw man is a very disturbing individual."

MrSpkr: "Disturbed, more like it, dear. He does like okra, however, and that is a plus. Come, my dear, we mustn't be late."

(exeunt)

[Buzzsaw]

Lars

You live in Mound Minnesota!?! The land of 10,000 mosquitos? I bet the buzzing of my Jabo sounds very familiar to you.

[Buzzsaw]

Mrpkr

You had better get another one of your boot-lickers to clean it off this time. And please leave MrsSpkr out of this -- I have no quarrel with Leeo.

[Not edited because there is no need to spell that pillock's name correctly]

[ 08-16-2001: Message edited by: Buzzsaw ]

[Lars]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lord Joe Shaw:

Lars come here a moment.

Yes my liege, you require something, more okra perhaps, chocoate or something stronger?

No, just this ... **Kick**

{tears well in Lars eyes} ... thank you Sir, may I have another?

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Quite right, Sire, I must write that down, never forget the Boot, never forget the Boot.

I didn’t mean to grant Jar-O-P*ss any acknowledgement of his existence, it was late, Sire, I was drunk, the dog was chewing on the mouse, I didn’t know she was only 16, she looked 18, hell, said she was 21, why is everyone always talking about my record, I’ve paid my debts to society…err, never mind.

And now for something completely different, a man with a tape recorder up his nose.

No, No, stop that, stop that.

Ahem,

Game Updates:

Geier:

We have just exchanged the setup files so I’m still winning.

Buzzbuzzbuzz:

The reinforcements arrived in “Crodaburg”. The scream of anguish from this lad was really rather gratifying. My compliments to Croda, as if the location wasn’t enough, the Kingtiger was a very nice extra touch. True, they showed up next to a ‘zook infestation, (elapsed time to elimination – 23 seconds) but they served their purpose, i.e. making me laugh. Don’t worry, Buzz, there’s plenty more gameyness where they came from.

Stinky Winky:

Seeing as he has advanced much farther than Buzz, the reinforcements in “Crodaburg” will have a even better time buggering his armor.

Our other game is too close to call so I’m sure I’m winning that one as well.

Poopoowiper4/2:

Hasn’t been heard from since the Jabos wiped him from front to rear. I keep replaying the last turn whenever I need a good laugh. The Pool initiation scenarios are once again proving their value.

Stinky, you might only get a theoretical win in this match up, as theoretically, you could still lose. We’ll never know, and I kinda like it that way.

I’m also winning in all my non-Pool games, not that they matter, and Sancho has even dropped out of the thread he started.

The stars must be in alignment this month.

[ 08-16-2001: Message edited by: Lars ]

[CMplayer]

[edit: pls forgiv my lack of creativity

in posting a computer-assisted taunt. All

I wanted was to be funy, but how? ]

[ 08-16-2001: Message edited by: CMplayer ]

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>A MASSIVE amount of gibberish posted by SIM Player purporting to be an expose of Peng ... as if we don't ALREADY believe the worst of him ... and ending with: The letter you just read should be seen as a starting point for dialogue on this controversial issue. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I've a better plan, let's pretend it NEVER happened AT ALL! You could reinforce this plan by a selective edit of everything starting with ... actually ... just delete EVERYTHING and replace it with an apology for wasting the space.

There's a good chap. Now go find a decent handle that doesn't apply to everyone here.

Joe

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CMplayer:

May I be cynical for a bit? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Certainly, however we require your own cynicism. The Elders are drafting a new rule as I write.

[Berlichtingen]

I will post the gist of it now... Peng will give you chapter and verse later.

To reduce it to its basic elements:

If you can't taunt on your own, and need software assistance, post elsewhere

[mensch]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

... actually ... just delete EVERYTHING and replace it with an apology for wasting the space.

Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

actually Joe.. you have a point please errase your post.. send in your bloody surrender and cower at my feet! And join me in the song

"Claws of Iron Shall Rend the Ungodly"

followed by a real game

"Chase My Neighbour Up the Passage"

btw your a gnome for making me post this, and I hate your smelly cat.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>actually Joe.. you have a point please errase your post.. send in your bloody surrender and cower at my feet! And join me in the song<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Ah, now see there lads, a nice POLITE request. And to show my appreciation for that, allow me to state (a) I can't surrender until you send another turn ( I'm unlikely to surrender even then since I've seen not ONE allied soldier to whom I can surrender © Are those feet then? They must be, they're at the end of your legs (NOTE: Credit for the last insult to "Bored of the Rings" by the Harvard Lampoon") (d) I used to sing professionally you know, people PAID me to sing ... well not more than once but that's not the point and finally (e) Sod OFF mate, I'll not touch a smidgen of my brilliant post.

Joe

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

I'll not touch a smidgen of my brilliant post.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Brilliant post? Nay, say rather most brilliant post! That is the high point of your posting prowess! Why to say that it was just brilliant would be like saying the Mona Lisa is just a painting. You sell yourself sort Joe

[CMplayer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

To reduce it to its basic elements:

If you can't taunt on your own, and need software assistance, post elsewhere<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You mean you are _actually_ making your

stuff up yourself? It's so...never mind, but

I thought most of you were using software

assistance already! My mistake, my mistake.

(and there goes my thesis on discussion

board pecking orders)

--Rett

[CMplayer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

There's a good chap. Now go find a decent handle that doesn't apply to everyone here.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

We're all just plain Joes here aren't

we Joe? (except maybe Sancho, who's a

Sheila, but that's another story)

But seriously...I can't think of a good

handle...i try and try...and ask my wife

but she just rolls her eys...i'm not

creative or witty thats the problem...

that's why i had to use the insult generator

program...otherwise it just comes out

liek: hey JOWSHAW you NEENER, see if you

dare send me some GAMEY SETUP with 14"

spotters or 1 billion gadfly flaktruckjs

cause I got just the medicine to put

a little NEEDED HUMILITY into yer screen

persona! whew, that feels better.

--Rett

[Mace]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

(a) ....

( ....

© ....

(d) I used to sing professionally you know, people PAID me to sing ... well not more than once but that's not important<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

23.4) I'm sorry, but you have failed to follow correct MBT procedure, you have been sequential!

A.12.78 and a bit) Have you thought that the reason they only paid you once is to stop you singing?

I look forward to your continuing abuse, and your turnfile.

Mace

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>But seriously...I can't think of a good handle...i try and try...and ask my wife

but she just rolls her eys...i'm not creative or witty thats the problem...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Now SimsPlayer, I can't play you right now because I don't want to, you see I could have come up with some bogus excuse but the fact is that I really don't want to play an SSN right now ... or ever actually.

But do not despair, for the CessPool is nothing if not compassionate ({snort}), no really we are really swell guys (and let's not forget Dame YK2, The Lady of the Pool, I mean she's got compassion just oozing off her) and we WANT to help.

What do you say guys, shall we come up with a new handle for SimPlayer? Here, I'll start the ball rolling:

KnottPfhunney

Anyone else?

We're here for you guy.

Joe

[bauhaus]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Juardis:

Damn hackers. Sorry guys, that was not good Berli. Not sure who it was but they're way smarter than...ummm...well, they got around my firewall and everything. So sorry, shant happen again.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I really thought we got rid of this clown. He makes Joe look like less of an idiot.