All your base are belong to Peng

[PeterNZer]

Leeo, you poor mad squire. You have made three mistakes in attempting to set up us the thread. In order they are

1) You were born. Well, i guess that's not directly relevant to the thread in question, but it does have some importance somewhere.

2) You're a lowly squire and thus, to be ignored

3) It had a sucky title. Damn, those geography based titles blow chunks. It is clear why this thread is the winner.

ANYWAY

By now the multitude has secured Gilligan's Nightmare a most yucky and evil scenario with which to beat my squire about the head with. Beatings are good. Well the Croda anomoly has also chortled his agreement and the battle is on. I expect screenshots to be posted.

For Great Justice!

PeterNZ

------------------

- Official owner of the sig files of Dalem, Croda and Joe Shaw -

Der Kessel scenario design group

Combat Vision movies

[Geier]

Peng, just admit it. I am a bastard. I haven't sent out turns since Moses was waddling around in diapers and that sucks, blows and is generally considered (quite rightly I might add) a Really ****ty Thing To Do. Even to the likes of PiotrNoZee, MarkyMark, Ni-Peng, Gerbils boy, Moriarty and others I might remember if it would benefit me.

Since excuses are similar to one of those things that everybody has and which also stinks you are free to use your own since none will be supplied by me. (Yes, I am rather proud of the previous sentence, thank you. Don't mention it. Gesundheit.)

I'm afraid (not really, just a figure of speech, thanks anyway) that I might not be able to send out turns today either since it seems the only alternative I have left in order to fix my sys is to do the format C: dance and I really really don't want to.

I might also add that since I have been without a fully functional system at home I felt compelled to read a Pratchett and on an old recommendation from Seanatjoo it was one about the Watch. I always trust book recommendations from people I am about dismember and this was no mistake either. It even had a talking dog in it. And one very quotable quote too:

"His thoughts often ran like this. He could think in italics. You have to watch out for people like that. Preferably from a safe distance."

And since we all know that we've run out of original unpleasant things to write why not present some of your favourite Pratchett quotes. The all your bases are stuff feels about as interesting as a thread named Peng goes to Sweden or somefink. But, apparently, if you write it often enough you get to be on CNN Business - TV For People Who Are Too Busy To Watch TV. Somefink that should be considered.

And it's consiglieri you lackwits.

Johan

He could think in italics.

[stevetherat]

You freakin' ARSEWIPES Petal and Compost.

What the frealin' hell was THAT?

Let me put the rest of you slags in the picture. The Furball and I are duelling for the amusement of our obese and drunken sponsors. While they munch chicken drumsticks and chips, we are to battle on an abortion of a map which would challenge Boreli for the coveted title 'The Complete Bastard of CM Scenario and Map Making".

What we have is a series of land blobs connected by over exposed bridges in a sea of molten puss squeezed from face of Hell itself.

My force selection (thanks Crockof****) can only have come from the warped mind of a serial Category A detainee that this freak is. Obviously, I can't go into detail. My only hope is that my Richard Geer fearing opponent has an equally dire selection than I have.

Peter and Croda you are both Section D cases of the highest order.

Hamster, how about going on stike?

StR

[PeterNZer]

You realize, boyo*, that striking squires** is a nono. Infact, you will significantly delay your kinigityhood if you strike since noone else will set you up the challenge map if you won't complete this one!

The map is my work of genius. The units, products of Croda and my demented machinations. Please post pics for the enjoyment of all soon.

Return to your present duties.

PeterNZ

*if you are male, you long haired girlyman

** unless it's a kinigit striking (hitting) a squire, which is perfectly acceptable and enjoyed by all.

------------------

- Official owner of the sig files of Dalem, Croda and Joe Shaw -

Der Kessel scenario design group

Combat Vision movies

[This message has been edited by PeterNZer (edited 03-30-2001).]

[stevetherat]

Bastard!

[mensch]

Originally posted by stevetherat:

Bastard!

ROTFL!!

-----------

www.derkessel.com Home of „Die Sturmgruppe“; Scenario Design Group for Combat Mission.

"Married men live longer than single men; however, they are also more willing to die."

[Iskander]

Originally posted by jd:

Lorak We are pleased to announce that the match of Evil Incarnate vs Evil Manifest has come to it's conclusion...

No Beatrices anywhere insight...

But I do believe that a frozen face appearing in the ice over which our hobnailed boots trod, did, in a peculiar manner resemble consigliari "jake the snake".

I mount (now is it Mace or Bauhaus we are admonishing) on the pole outside my tent the skull and visage of Berli.

Let the 'Pool splatter and splat in joyeaux celebrations! My Most Just and Gracious Lord, jd has triumphed over The Berli Formerly Known As Evil! Praise him with great praise! Only a Keeniggit as powerful and cunning as jd could have so easily stomped the namby-pamby-ferret- henteasing-mincing-lickspittle Berlicktongue back into the ice of Cocytus where he so rightfully belongs.

And now, as a True and Loyal Squire, I would like to Revise and Extend some remarks made by My Lord.

1. Beatrice would of course not be seen in the Inferno as she met Dante as he left Purgatorio for Paradiso. Ol' Virg handled things up 'till then.

2. As it was the face of J the S that was trodden upon, that would be, I believe, the Tolomea region of Cocytus... betrayers of guests... sounds like Jake.

------------------

"Iskander, creator of The Dullest CM Game Ever" - PeterNZer

"Legal advice is very often divorced from reality in my humble opinion" - BTS

[Mark IV]

Geier: Idiot Savant

Consider the conundrum of one of my most promising, yet deeply disturbed, pupils. Some will recall his early aversion to advanced figures of speech, yet advanced pronoun therapy has worked wonders. There are at least two crudely-crafted relative pronouns in his latest effort, even though he obviously had help, and moves his lips when he types.

This is a major step in his development and should be applauded by all, to bolster his self-esteem in a non-competitive way.

How paradoxical, that he should now be challenged by e-mail, which is regularly configured by six-year-olds in the United States. An educator's day is never done.

For next week's session, I shall have him set up a Dell laptop with Windows 2000, Office 2000, and a Novell network connection, and then have him configure a dial-up connection. Yes, it is harsh; but these troubled young minds must be toughened to function in the real world, lest they become a drag on the public weal.

Perhaps then we can resume his destruction, which had only commenced when this latest bout of developmental disabilities struck.

[Lawyer]

Originally posted by Iskander:

2. As it was the face of J the S that was trodden upon, that would be, I believe, the Tolomea region of Cocytus... betrayers of guests... sounds like Jake.

"Jake the Snake" is somewhat demeaning as it connotes that I have no integrity, which I know you did not intend.

I prefer the term "JakeSnake", which connotes a very long, strong, twisting, probing, and occasionally venomous rascal who ventures into whatever attractive burrows he finds. And also quite sensitive. Please make a note of it.

BTW, this new duo of jd and Iskander jello-dancing together reminds me of some sort of sick "Gidget Goes to the Fanny Farm" movie. Not pretty at all.

PNZ you boring talking head, send me your last gasping turns so we can make my victory official.

------------------

The Official Slayer of Both jd and his Lackey Iskander

Lest We Forget

[This message has been edited by Lawyer (edited 03-30-2001).]

[jd]

Really jakeleodeo your "cm envy" is showing. One, you haven't beat me since the flood sent Noah scurrying, 2) I actually practice law, 3) You haven't been squired (need to get those inoculations first, I think, or is it neutered?) 4) you seem to think it's about winning 5) You think beating Iskander means something....heavens he's only recently been raised from serfdom and 6) we do not care.....

Now on to other things. Nicely put young squire, but I am beginning to suspect that you are of a lean and hungry look, thinking too much and as such may be dangerous. So it is time to begin your tutelage, and while I appreciate that you both have a literary and sycophantic bent, first we have a little matter to settle between us and it may require the use of the belt for correction. We shall await a set up of your choosing to see if you understand proper groveling.

In other news, I await Peng's most recent turn as he seems to have slipped off into sleepytime, or else he and Hiram are lying in some Phillie gutter at this moment. Also wayward, without a word is Marletoad who reappeared and has vanished.

Mace notawholelotyoucandowiththatname has sued for a ceasefire. He has 1 immobilized jumbo off in the woods somewhere (with a Tiger hunting it down) another immobilized jumbo with the Panther from Hell (who has already single handily tracked down the slayers of his earlier compatriots and has wreaked a terrible vengeance) just waiting for the smoke to dissipate (the cm equivalent of crapping in his pants) as said Panther has him bore-sighted up the tailpipe as it were. And finally a jumbo that as we speak is being drawn down on by a JagdV. Hit 76% Kill good, Hull down. I like my chances there.

Smokin' Joe is learning that a squad has trouble standing up against 90mm direct fire as well as 105mm and 155mm arty. However, due to the fact that we have been killing each others's everything, the out come is murky. One interesting note, a M4A3 (76) can take out a JagdTiger from the side-rear aspect as herr Shaw has learned.

------------------

•Non illegitimi carborundum est

•If frogs had uzi's, snakes woudn't mess with them so much. - Hiram

[Hamsters]

Originally posted by stevetherat:

I am an overly stressed out Mormon wife.

I'm sorry, you idiot, I received a standard VG company with a platoon of StuH42s. I like the map, the troops and our wonderful sponsors and will be happy to wipe you from said map for your heresy.

[BFCElvis]

Wankers.

------------------

"When they finally put you in the ground..I'll stand on your grave and tramp the dirt down" Elvis Costello

[dalem]

Originally posted by Croda:

[Give Dalem the !!

As my last post in March, and my last post wearing a PeterBeater sig around my neck like a three-days dead Albatross, I will endeavor to explain my second loss to Cromag in terms even he can understand:

1. I had an abominable piece of terrain to defend.

2. My judicious selection of properly historic forces stood no chance when pitted against the flagrantly gamey forces of the Cromag. For instance, although I saw no SuperPershings, and indeed, given that the force type was Mechanized for both sides one could make the point that it was impossible for Cromag to even have any SuperPershings, the final outcome of the game was exactly what one would expect of a game where my opponent did have SuperPershings with myself having no adequate answer for them. Is that what we often see called "gamey"? I leave it to you, Gentle Teat-lapping Pouch-kittens, to decide.

3. I could say the same thing about the Jumbos and fourteen inch naval guns that I said about the SuperPershings, but why belabor the point?

4. I was tired. Every time.

5. I was not feeling well. Whenever I received an email in my inbox from Cromag I felt as if I had been poisoned by a particularly girthy viper of some kind. I'm sure the FCC is looking into this matter even as I type.

6. The sun was in my eyes.

7. I had a flat tire.

8. I couldn't tell she was only sixteen.

9. I gave up winning at CM for Lent.

10. That's the way my husband used to touch me.

------------------

I LOST A BLOOD HAMSTER BATTLE TO PETERNZ. MY SIG FILE IS NOW HIS AND I AM HIS SLAVE. PLEASE ABUSE ME AS YOU SEE FIT AND CALL ME A DOO-DOO HEAD. IT IS MY PLACE IN LIFE, I WILLINGLY ACCEPT IT.

[David Aitken]

PBEM Report

I am proceeding to evict Germanboy's troops from Hyeres.

After first hiding, then chucking some large shells at one of my Cromwells, then trying to convince me that he'd bought artillery and nothing else, Elvis has suffered the loss of a Hetzer for his evils, courtesy of a beautiful flank shot from my Daimler.

Leeo may have a future as a politician but certainly not a tactician. His promising words are naught but spin doctoring. My outnumbered British have inflicted grievous losses on his Sturmgruppe squads, and are holding tight on the VL.

Meeks has finally returned a file after waiting for Bill Gates to vet his e-mail.

[Hamsters]

Well, the first turn on what is quite possibly the least intelligently designed scenario, ever, has been sent out. Not only are we assigned the same troops (these troops consist of trucks, green flamethrowers, a few ammoless leaders and a pair of elite sharpshooters) but the mortars only have smoke and the TRPs are thus useless. What, that didn't make any sense? We know.

[jd]

Originally posted by dalem:

.....I will endeavor to explain my second loss to Cromag in terms even he can understand:

TWO losses to the former squire of mine! Congratualtions to him, but man, it must suck to be you. Lorak we may need to create a special category similar to the *lost to peng notation. I mean NO NONE can lose to Croda twice! Once, maybe, but twice increases his win record by 50%!

------------------

•Non illegitimi carborundum est

•If frogs had uzi's, snakes woudn't mess with them so much. - Hiram

[Joe Shaw]

And it's consiglieri you lackwits.

You know, we really need a good SNEER smiley for the exclusive use of the CessPool. It needs to be BIG so we can see that it's a sneer and it needs to look really ... sneery. Where was I?

Oh yeah, unlike SOME people ... {SNEER} Geirer... I provide SOURCES for my assertions. Oh sure, ANYONE can CLAIM that a word is spelled a certain way, but only a true SCHOLAR will provide his sources. SO ... the following site, among others, uses the word Consigliori in many places. AND, most telling, IT'S IN ITALIAN!

http://www.goliardia.org/abelardo/ordini/to_horf.htm

I don't know what it says because ... hello ... it's in Italian, but I think it's clear that MY source trumps {SNEER} Geirer's. As to HIS definition, that preeminent source on translations, Bablefish translates Consiglieri as Councilmen. Therefore, MY usage of Consigliori is correct and {SNEER} Geirer is WRONG ... big surprise.

Furthermore and apropos of the word referred to above, I have chosen to take silence as assent and ask Lorak the Loathed ... and he really is ... to post Lawyer as Consigliori to the CessPool and that he, Lawyer be accorded the rights and privileges (though not the status) of CessPool residence. He will not, obviously, be allowed to take a squire ... {shudder} ... but his games will be counted and his name will, henceforth, be bolded.

With that out of the way, and remembering the tradition of FAVORS being returned ... Consigliori Lawyer wouldn't you agree that jd's usage of smoke and edge hugging in our scenario is gamey in the extreme and, should I actually confound the experts and LOSE, his actions should constitute a complete and total excuse for my loss?

Joe

------------------

I HAVE LOST A BLOOD HAMSTER TO PETERNZ. MY SIG FILE IS

HIS. PLEASE TICKLE MY FANCY BY GOING TO DER KESSEL .IF

YOU GO HE MIGHT STOP BEATING ME AND USING MY POOR

INNOCENT BODY FOR HIS OWN DEVIOUS PLEASURES

[This message has been edited by Joe Shaw (edited 03-30-2001).]

[jd]

Pshaw anyone who feels the need to rely on Jake for validation and excuse giving deserves to be gutted, your sinew ripped from your body and your mouth sewn shut with your own entrails, that being the case I shall endeavor to accomplish the same in our soon to be concluded set to........

------------------

•Non illegitimi carborundum est

•If frogs had uzi's, snakes woudn't mess with them so much. - Hiram

[Joe Shaw]

Pshaw anyone who feels the need to rely on Jake for validation and excuse giving deserves to be gutted, your sinew ripped from

your body and your mouth sewn shut with your own entrails ...

Well ... for rude. Let's see what the official ruling from Consigliori Lawyer is, I'm confident that we can rely on him for a ruling that is as just, fair and unbiased as one from ... say ... the U.S. Supreme Court! And if not, Lorak has yet to actually CONFIRM his position as Consigliori and we might have to, reluctantly, relegate him to his previous status as SERF! ... but I'm confident that won't be necessary.

Joe

------------------

I HAVE LOST A BLOOD HAMSTER TO PETERNZ. MY SIG FILE IS

HIS. PLEASE TICKLE MY FANCY BY GOING TO DER KESSEL .IF

YOU GO HE MIGHT STOP BEATING ME AND USING MY POOR

INNOCENT BODY FOR HIS OWN DEVIOUS PLEASURES

[Croda]

Originally posted by dalem:

As my last post in March, and my last post wearing a PeterBeater sig around my neck like a three-days dead Albatross, I will endeavor to explain my second loss to Cromag in terms even he can understand:

1. I had an abominable piece of terrain to defend.

2. My judicious selection of properly historic forces stood no chance when pitted against the flagrantly gamey forces of the Cromag. For instance, although I saw no SuperPershings, and indeed, given that the force type was Mechanized for both sides one could make the point that it was impossible for Cromag to even have any SuperPershings, the final outcome of the game was exactly what one would expect of a game where my opponent did have SuperPershings with myself having no adequate answer for them. Is that what we often see called "gamey"? I leave it to you, Gentle Teat-lapping Pouch-kittens, to decide.

3. I could say the same thing about the Jumbos and fourteen inch naval guns that I said about the SuperPershings, but why belabor the point?

4. I was tired. Every time.

5. I was not feeling well. Whenever I received an email in my inbox from Cromag I felt as if I had been poisoned by a particularly girthy viper of some kind. I'm sure the FCC is looking into this matter even as I type.

6. The sun was in my eyes.

7. I had a flat tire.

8. I couldn't tell she was only sixteen.

9. I gave up winning at CM for Lent.

10. That's the way my husband used to touch me.

That is beautiful. You almost had me convinced I'm as gamey as NipponBoy. What the dalem does not realize is that I had mechanice assembling 3 Super Pershings behind my lines and I would have put them to good use had his troops shown the smallest sign of being vertebrates.

Besides...that damned 105mm gun you had was absurdly gamey. No way can a German gun kill Americans! I demand that you never use that piece of equpiment against me ever again!

As for you excuse regarding being tired: If you told me that you read Shaw's posts before playing our games, I'll concede that you were bored near on comatose while giving orders.

On another note: Does anyone know what happened to those gits named Armornut and Chupacabra? I thought ChubbaBubba went back to NY 2 months ago for a 2 week trip...anyone heard from him? And what the hell happened to Armornuts? I was whipping his tail and he bailed on me. Just another example of keeping the Croda down.

------------------

Woot! - Maximus2k

Stick around while the clown who is sick does the trick of disaster.

You are quite correct, but sniper is an easier term to use than 'Semi-regular soldier hiding out and shooting enemies unawares.' - wwb_99

The New CessPool

I AM CRODA, ENEMY OF THE SCIENTIFIC PROCESS, EVOLUTIONARY PROCESS AND REPRODUCTIVE PROCESS. PETERNZ OWNS MY SIG FILE AND MY MEAGRE SOUL: ANY REASONABLE OFFER ACCEPTED

[Geier]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

SO ... the following site, among others, uses the word Consigliori in many places. AND, most telling, IT'S IN ITALIAN!

...And Italians have been reliable since when? Find me a Sicilian site and we can talk. Besides, I did not realise we were discussing Jake the Hair. He might be one of those consiglioris you're ranting about for all I care.

And my reference might have been the home site for la vecca signora (first one to figure that one out wins a prize) from what I recall. I've never even eaten a babelfish, much less used it in any shape or form. But, then again, I've never enjoyed Mormon wives like mr Pshaw here has either.

So anyway, here is the difference between a consigliori and a consiglieri.

Situation: Someone owes your fam something.

Consigliori suggest: "Put the head of his favorite horse in his bed."

Consiglieri suggest: "Put his head in the favorite bed of his horse."

See the difference? Yes, I can talk the walk, I just uninstalled and reinstalled Outlook Ex in Win2K with both MarkyMarks arms tied behind my back. I hope he wasn't too attached to them.

And with that godawful pun I bid you all badnight,

------------------

Johan

"He could think in italics. You have to watch out for people like that."

T. Pratchett

[Lawyer]

Originally posted by jd:

2) I actually practice law

While this statement is clearly debatable, self-serving, and meant to impress imbeciles, it does serve to show us once again that jd chooses to identify himself by reference to practicing LAW rather than being a LAWYER, like yours truly.

In essence, this self-evaluation by jd reaffirms that which we already know from observation -- jd is a boring Rotarian who doesn't understand or appreciate how the denizens of this Pool view the law and lawyers.

True, the CessSlime have all the charm, wit, and physical attraction of Saturday morning bargain hunters at Wal-Mart. Despite their vacant eyes and millimeter-width souls, however, they recognize an essential truth that still eludes jd's corporate law mindset.

Laws are bad things that must be broken or avoided!

Now I, on the other hand, understand the way Real People look at laws. They don't want to follow laws. NO, they want a fix, pure and simple. They want to "get away with it!"

By way of example, let's examine what the Law means to some of our **cough, hack, spit** compatriots in Pool Land --

mensch doesn't need jd or a law book to tell him that he should HIDE HIS STASH if he wants to stay out of jail. He understands this naturally, in the same way that cats instinctively know to cover their poop. Mensch doesn't care what the law actually is; he just wants to engage in unfettered brownie research, using himself as guinea pig.

Mace has no idea that there are laws against sodomy and beastiality, even in Oz. How can a man who believes the term "animal husbandry" means that he can marry his woolly friends be contained by mere laws in a book, put there no doubt by Prigs interested only in Procreation.

Mark "I Put the Balls in Ballistics" IV dreams of exercising his right to bear arms at Ruby Ridge II, a new resort for hard-drinking gun-nuts going up outside Waco. He cares not for the Wasted Words in Westlaw, worshipped by jd, that beg to constrain him. He knows that Mao was right about the power of pointing guns at warm-blooded targets.

Berlichten is a man of few words, but he needs no knowledge of laws to realize that keeping quiet will enhance the value of his story when it is sold to Geraldo. (Am I the only one who sees that he is clearly the unidentified "second man" who helped Tim McVeigh rent the truck?) Without once checking the statutes, Berli knows that he won't have to worry about sharing book royalties after May 16.

Seanachai is a man of too many words, with a rare gift for joining them together in odd lots that result in a self-filibuster worthy of having his own C-Span channel. Yet he knows intuitively that free speech ends where the other guy's fist begins. Even the poet chokes on his own vomit.

Joe Shaw is a gray suited grafter who thrives on usury and hidden fees to bleed honest folks wanting simply to purchase a home in the Land of God, hopefully near that great industrial settling pond that serves as the name of the next Snowball Olympics. He may be one of the Lost Osmond Brothers left without a cent, but he does not need a BYU law degree to grease a palm or sell to a sucker. Ask yourself, does a man who has a bust of Juan Samaranch on his dashboard need laws?

The Legendary Peng is Anti-Law in the Flesh. Does he think of the law before spewing forth his verbal filth like a cherry bomb dropped into a clogged toilet?

Even Iskander, jd's personal whoopee cushion, knows naturally that it is wise to use an alias and hand out the business cards of strangers when cavorting in the bars of central PA. In his view, fornication is a right, not a law.

So while the Law itself has no meaning or respect among the Peers of the Pool, the Lawyer bears respect and admiration from all because I personify the notion of the cheap fix when laws get in the way.

Yea, I do not "practice" law as jd does, filling out endless forms, kow-towing to bureaucrats, and charging clients for clerking their lives. Rather I engage in making up laws that suit me, and happily ignoring the ones I don't like, living free on the range in the Law Land of America -- Washington, DC.

People in the Pool understand my function quite naturally, and recognize that I, far more than jd, represent the Lawyer as we all know him to be in real life. Not a bookworm or court jester, but the guy who gets your ticket fixed.

And so, as the true embodiment of the Lawyer and Consigliori, I come to the question raised by Don Shawshank the Redeemed -- "Is jd a gamey bastard?"

Yes,he is.

Proclaimed Officially on this 30th Day of March, 2001

By Lawyer

Consigliori to the Stars

------------------

The Official Slayer of Both jd and his Lackey Iskander

Lest We Forget

[This message has been edited by Lawyer (edited 03-30-2001).]

[David Aitken]

Hey, why isn't the M16 halftrack in CM? I heard there were lots of them and they had four big machineguns and they were good at killing Germans, but they don't seem to be in the game. Can they be added in a patch? BTS should hire some new programmers to make all the tweaks and modifications to CM that I ask for. Come on, I bet they're really rich after spending several years programming the game on zero income, so they can surely afford to blow a grand or fifty on a few more members of staff. I might even buy CM2.

[Geier]

Originally posted by David Aitken:

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa... I might even buy CM2.

Tell us the truth David. You've been out on the main board haven't you? Read threads without the word Peng in them too I suspect.

Don't say we didn't warn you. And no, you may not.

------------------

Johan

"He could think in italics. You have to watch out for people like that."

T. Pratchett

[Forever Babra]

I am always impressed by these gentlemen of the bar who presume not to know that "practice" is a noun, while "practise" is the verb form. Of course, these are the same people who would have us think that "adjourned" indicates that a proceeding is concluded when, in fact, it means quite the opposite.

It must be an American thing, right up there with "proven" and "pled". One may consult dictionaries until the second coming (your cue, Bauhaus), and never an entry for them will one find - at least, not in anything purporting to be remotely reputable. I exclude Scottish Law, where one may encounter the curious verdict of "Not Proven", which bestows neither innocence nor guilt upon the unfortunate accused.

Such fine examples of higher education. One has to wonder if daddy's money would not have been better spent.