Guest Rommel22 Posted June 6, 2000 Share Posted June 6, 2000 The Snake Model: The Differential Theory of U.S. Armed Forces upon encountering a snake in the area of operations (AO): a. AIRBORNE: Lands on and kills the snake. b. ARMOR: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes. c. ARMY AVIATION: Has GPS grid of snake. Couldn't fine snake. Flies back to base for crew rest and a manicure. d. RANGER: Plays with snake and then eats it. e. FIELD ARTILLERY: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with massive TOT barrage with three FA brigades in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants (cooks, mechanics, clerks) are awarded the Silver Star. f. COMBAT ENGINEERS: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series FM about to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that the maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations. g. NAVY S.E.A.L.: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. (SEAL blames bad intel for mission failure.) h. AIR FORCE FIGHTER PILOT: Mis-identifies the snake as a HIND helicopter and engages it with missiles. Crew chief paints a snake on airplane. i. COMBAT CONTROLLER: Guides snake elsewhere. j. PARA-RESCUE: Wounds snake in the first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life. k. MARINE RECON: Follows snake and gets lost. l. SPECIAL FORCES: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, win its heart and mind, and then trains it to kill other snakes. m. US ARMY MILITARY INTELLIGENCE: Locates snake without snake knowing it. Studies snake and it's movements. Reports back to Company Commander on snakes location and movement. Snake discovers it's location has been compromised. Snake disappears. n. US ARMY QUARTERMASTER: Captures snake, applies a National Stock Number (NSN) to it. Implements a Found On Installation (FOI). Inputs information into property book. Has Company Commander sign for snake, one green, on Non-Expendable hand receipt. Army cooks: See snake, throws snake in pot, feeds snake to troops. Army OBC: Mis-Indetifies snake as stick, reaches down to examine stick, gets bit. Army NBC: Hears about snakes existance. Immediately releases nuclear strike killing all nearby towns and causing huge radioctive cloud to travel downrange. Immediately follows nuke strike with nerve agent attack, and then releases biological agents to insure snakes destruction, while whipping out the entire population in a 500 mile radius. Rest of Nbc team immediately rush in, and decontamite remaining ashes in the area attacked and call mission a success. JCS: Hears that a snake exists in the theater. They release another division to hunt down snake. Sattelites are recalibrated in orbit to pinpoint snakes location. division rolls past snake and blows up a bunny hole, JCS tell president operation was a success. Congress: Immediately allocate 10 billion dollars more to rid the area of the snake in question. Huge television debates take place over the snake threat. Call for mobilization of an entire corps to deal with snake. 4 gang-pressed clerks playing infantry end up being corps and are immediately bitten once finding snake. Clerks get puple hearts while media is told snake has been neutralized, while they pocket the 10 billion. 1945 And Now (Why the US doesn't win wars any more) 1945- Rifles were made of wood and steel, shot a .30 caliber bullet and killed the enemy. Now- Rifles are made of plastic and aluminum, shoot a .22 caliber bullet, and wound the enemy. 1945- The winning side used a US made .45 Caliber pistol, The losers used a European 9mm. Now- We use a European 9mm pistol. Nobody uses the .45. 1945- If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk. Now- If you smoke, you are sent outside and are treated like a leper. 1945- If you said "damn", people knew you were annoyed and avoided you. Now- If you say "damn" you better be talking about a hydroelectric plant. 1945- NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports. Now- Everyone has an Internet computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done. 1945- We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home. Now- We put the real thing in the cockpit. 1945- Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return alive. Now- She is in the same foxhole, praying your condom worked. 1945- If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off. Now- If you get drunk any time they slap you in rehab and ruin your whole career. 1945- You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him. Now- You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you are out of ammo. 1945- Canteens were made out of steel. You could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them. Now- Canteens are made of plastic. You cant heat anything in them and they always taste like plastic. 1945- Officers were professional soldiers first. They commanded respect. Now- Officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie. 1945- They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it. Now- They collect our pee and analyze it. 1945- If you don't act right, the commander might put you in the stockade till you straighten up. Now- If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever. 1945- Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own. Now- Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time. 1945- You slept in a barracks, like a soldier. Now- You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid. 1945- You ate in a Mess Hall. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted. Now- You eat in a dining facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one. 1945- We defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan. Now- We can't even beat Iraq or Yugoslavia. 1945- If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec. Center, played pool, smoked and drank beer. Now- You go to the Community Center and can still play pool. 1945- If you wanted a beer and conversation you could go to the NCO or Officers Club. Now- The beer will cost you $1.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink. 1945- You could buy quartermaster gas tax free because it was on a military reservation. Now- AAFES charges you the tax but pockets the money themselves because it is on a military reservation. 1945-The BX/PX had bargains for GI's who didn't make much money. Now- You can get better merchandise cheaper at Walmart. 1945- We could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets. Now- We are wearing the Nazi helmets. 1945- An old Chief would sit in his office with a cigar in his mouth. Now- He would be in less trouble if it was a penis. 1945- We called the enemy things like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them. Now- We call the enemy things like "opposing forces" and "aggressors" so we don't offend them. 1945- Victory was declared when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken. Now- Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry. 1945- If you killed an enemy soldier, you could bring home his rifle as a trophy. Now- If you bring home anything at all as a trophy you get a court martial. 1945- A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people. Now- A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt. 1945- After the war, you could buy your own rifle off the government, cheap. Now- You can't be trusted with your own rifle, and you'll be jailed if you ever get one. 1945- Wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories. Now- Wars are planned and run by politicians with lots of important panty raids. 1945- We knew we were fighting for freedom. The country was committed to winning. Now- We don't know what we are fighting for. The government is committed to Socialism. 1945- All you could think of was getting out and becoming a civilian again. Now- All you can think of is getting out and becoming a civilian again. Chinese Embassy Attack Actually, it went like this: General Clark said: Goddamm I'm hungry, somebody get some Chinese take-out! Thereupon a junior officer said: You heard the man, the General wants the Chinese taken out!! One day three sections from three different countrys : England,America and Australia where lined up when a commanding officer walked up to the three squads and asked "who's army has the bravest soldiers"? to which he got the answer "we do" from a up tight english officer. "prove it" asked the commanding office. so the english officer screamed "private smith" to which a fit young soldier replied "yes sir" "private smith i want you to climb to the 10th floor of that building and jump off" with out thinking the soldier replied "yes sir" and ran all the way to the 10th floor of the building and jumped off breaking both his legs. turning to the commanding officer the englishman said "now thats guts" but just then an american officer stepped foward "thats nothing....watch this.....private Jones!!!" he yelled to which a fit young soldier replied "yes sir" "private jones i want you to climb to the 20th story of that building and jump off" "yes sir"he replied and ran up to the 20th story and jumped off breaking every bone in his body. the American officer turned to the commanding office and said "now thats guts" But then an Australian officer stepped foward and said "thats nothing mate watch this....."private williams" he yelled to which a fit young soldier replied "yes sir" "private williams i want you to climb to the 50th story of that building and jump off" to which the australian replied "**** OFF MATE" and walked back into the ranks the Aussie officer turned to the commanding officer and said "now thats guts" Q Why does a claymore mine have 8 legs? A If you had 200 balls you would want 8 as well SQWAKS are problems noted by USAF pilots and left for maintenace crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some ACTUAL complaints logged by pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. 1) Test flight okay, except auto-land very rough.---> Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. 2) DME Volume unbeleivably loud. ---> Volume set to more beleivable level. 3) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. ---> Thats what they're there for. 4) Number three engine missing. ---> Engine found on right wing after brief search. 5) Target radar hums. ---> Reprogrammed Target Radar with lyrics. 6) Aircraft handles funny. ---> Aircraft warned to straighten out and be serious. 7) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. ---> Almost replaced left inside main tire. 8) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. ---> Evidence removed. 9) IFF Inoperative. ---> IFF always inoperative in the OFF mode. 10) Something loose in cockpit.---> Something tightened in cockpit. Damm! Those maintenance guys sure get the job done.... This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Rommel22 Posted June 6, 2000 Share Posted June 6, 2000 Here is MORE!!! Verry funny too. ******************************** ******************************** Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms British left waffles on Falkland Islands Lung cancer in women mushrooms Eye drops off shelf Teacher strikes idle kids Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead Squad helps dog bite victim Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66 Enraged cow injures farmer with ax Plane too close to ground, crash probe told Miners refuse to work after death Juvenile court to try shooting defendant Stolen painting found by tree Two Soviet ships collide, one dies Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years Drunken driver pays $1,000 in '84 War dims hope for peace If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last awhile Cold wave linked to temperatures Couple slain: police suspect homicide Red tape holds up new bridge Deer kill 17,000 Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead Man struck by lightining faces battery charge New study of obesity looks for larger test group Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft Kids make nutritious snacks Chef throws his heart into helping the needy Arson suspect held in Massachussetts fire British Union finds dwarfs in short supply Ban on soliciting dead in Trotwood Lansing residents can drop off trees Local high school dropouts cut in half New vaccine may contain rabies Man minus ear waives hearing Deaf college opens doors to hearing Air head fired Steals clock, Faces Time Old school pillars are replaced by alumni Bank drive-in window blocked by board Hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors Some pieces of Rock Hudson sold at auction Include your children when baking cookies Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wesreidau Posted June 7, 2000 Share Posted June 7, 2000 Thanks for brightening my day Rommel! More please...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TargetDrone Posted June 7, 2000 Share Posted June 7, 2000 The smiley-brigade wants to hear more of this !! *More,more,more,more!!* ------------------ TargetDrone who has a heart for smilies and will defend their rights .... even if the cost is bloody.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Rommel22 Posted June 8, 2000 Share Posted June 8, 2000 I'll try to get more to you. Makes me laugh too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MantaRay Posted June 8, 2000 Share Posted June 8, 2000 Rommel22 Wrote "d. RANGER: Plays with snake and then eats it." You forgot to say we like to cuddle with them too. Ray ------------------ When asked, "How many moves do you see ahead?", CAPABLANCA replied: "One move - the best one." MantaRays 5 Pages Hardcore Gamers Daily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mike Posted June 8, 2000 Share Posted June 8, 2000 Someone wanted more?? I recall a few "Officer Assessments" supposedly done by the Brit army. Off the top of my head you understand.... This officer sets low standards and consistantly fails to reach them. This officer is depriving avillage somewhere of an idiot. This officer's men would follow him anywhere, if only out of curiosity. This officer only takes his foot out of his mouth to change feet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andy_ross Posted June 8, 2000 Share Posted June 8, 2000 I've always liked this one. Unexpected Reply The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing. Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active." Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now." Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Rommel22 Posted June 8, 2000 Share Posted June 8, 2000 That's a good one Andy. I would love to see the faces on the ground controler. Haha. I'll get more jokes tommorow, so be ready people!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juju Posted June 9, 2000 Share Posted June 9, 2000 Ach, sie meinen Warjokes, ja? Two German spies are airdropped in the English countryside to, er, well, spy. They land unobserved and proceed to their objective. Soon enough they stumble upon a quaint little English village. There is an inn in the village, and the spies agree to have a drink before continuing. They enter the inn, sit down and order in a straight and perfect English voice: Spy 1: two sherries please, my good man. Barkeep: dry? Spy 2: NEIN, ZWEI!! SIE BRITISCHER PIG!!! ------------------ Combat Axiom 46. Do unto others, before they do unto you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghengis Jim Posted August 23, 2000 Share Posted August 23, 2000 ha ha ha this is some funny stuff... Does anyone know anything about whether battlefront is a private or public company? I think I want to buy some stock... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamstersss Posted August 23, 2000 Share Posted August 23, 2000 Great jokes! Uh, except for that last one by Ghengis Jim, that was just weird and kinda freaky. (Like a yuppie that walks into a sports bar and says, "Oh wow, great touchdown, say does anyone know who the owner is so I can buy his car?") Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holdit Posted August 23, 2000 Share Posted August 23, 2000 In an army canteen queue: Soldier: "What kind of fish is that?" Cook: (Examines it and then slaps it down on plate)... "Army fish" Spike Milligan: "The army works like this; if you hang a man and he dies, then you keep hanging him until he gets used to it" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Michael emrys Posted August 23, 2000 Share Posted August 23, 2000 Murphy's Laws of Combat * You are not Superman.  * Recoilless rifles aren't. * Suppressive fire won't. * If it's stupid, but works, it's not stupid. * Don't look conspicuous. It draws fire. * Never draw fire. It makes everyone around you nervous. * When in doubt, empty the magazine. * Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you. * Always keep in mind that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. * If your attack is going well, it's an ambush. * If you can't remember . . . the claymore is probably pointed at you.  * All five second grenade fuses are three seconds. * Try to look unimportant. The enemy may be low on ammo.  * If you are forward of your position the artillery will be short.  * The enemy diversion you're ignoring is the main attack. * The easy way is always mined. * The important things are always simple.  * The simple things are always hard. * When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy. * Incoming fire has the right of way. * No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. * No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat. * Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy other people to shoot at. * If the enemy is in range, so are you. * Friendly fire isn't. * Anything you can do can get you shot ... including doing nothing. * Make it too tough for the enemy to get in ... and you can't get out. * Tracers work both ways. * The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. * Radios will fail as soon as you need something desperately. * When both sides are convinced they are about to lose . . . they are both right. * Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs. * All weather close support doesn't work in bad weather.  * The bursting radius of a grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range. * The only terrain that is truly controlled is the terrain upon which you're standing. * The law of the bayonet says the man with the bullet wins. * REMFs are everywhere. * The best tank killer is another tank. Therefore tanks are always fighting each other . . . and have no time to help the infantry.  * Remember, your weapons and equipment were made by the lowest bidder * Precision bombing is normally accurate within plus/minus one mile. * Cluster bombing from B-52s and C-130s is very, very accurate. They always hit the ground. * Murphy was an 11 Bush  * Perfect plans aren't. * The easy way generally gets you killed. * The side with the fanciest uniforms losses. * Armored vehicles are bullet magnets; a moving foxhole that attracts attention. * If you are short of everything except enemy, you're in combat. * No plan survives the first few seconds of combat. * Ammo is cheap; your life isn't. * It's easier to expend material in combat than to fill out the forms for Graves Registration. * If you can't see the enemy, they still may be able to see you. * Final protective fire doesn't.  * You can win without fighting, but it's a lot tougher to do. And the enemy may not cooperate. Michael [This message has been edited by Michael emrys (edited 08-23-2000).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Private Pike Posted August 23, 2000 Share Posted August 23, 2000 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> The most dangerous thing known to man. An officer with a map<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Marine, Falklands, 1982 [This message has been edited by Private Pike (edited 08-23-2000).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pzvg Posted August 23, 2000 Share Posted August 23, 2000 Correction Rommel22, Army AVN cannot locate snake, flies 3 sorties a day NOE looking for snake, one ship has blade strike and lands for visual inspection, crewchief finds snake and puts it in pilot's helmet bag as revenge for denting his bird And another Murphy, It is generally a bad idea to request maintenance support from the guys you just stole 4 tires and a gas can from <pzvg was 67N, > ------------------ Pzvg "Murphy's law of combat #10, never forget your weapon is made by the lowest bidder Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dumbo Posted August 23, 2000 Share Posted August 23, 2000 And here is one taken out of todays headlines but is in fact hilarious http://www.cnn.com/2000/WORLD/europe/08/17/norway.soldiers/index.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FutbolHead Posted August 23, 2000 Share Posted August 23, 2000 Another one from officer's Perf Revs. This officer has a full six pack but he's lost the plastic thingie that holds 'em together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Heidman Posted August 23, 2000 Share Posted August 23, 2000 Another joke: An air force officer was making a trip across country in a hot air balloon. After travelling for a day or so, he realized that he was lost. So, he dropped in altitude in hopes of finding out where he was. After descending for a while, he come down over a small field, where he saw an individual working. The officer yells down "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?" The man on the ground replies "You are in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet in the air over a small field!" The officer yells back "You are an NCO, aren't you?!!" The man in the field replies "Why yes, I am, how did you know?" The officer yells "Because the information you gave me, while technically correct, is completely useless!" The NCO replies "I see. You are an officer, arent't you?" to which the officer replies "Why yes, I am, how did you know that?" The NCO says "Well, you have no idea where you are, you have no idea where you are going, and you have no idea what to do, and somehow, this is all my fault!" Jeff Heidman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CavScout Posted August 23, 2000 Share Posted August 23, 2000 Why does the Navy carry Marines around? Well, sheep would be too obvious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Rommel22 Posted August 23, 2000 Share Posted August 23, 2000 Now Jeff thats a good joke. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RCHRD Posted August 24, 2000 Share Posted August 24, 2000 I read a quote from an american soldier in ww2. He said, "The army can't make you do anything, but it sure as hell can make you wish you had" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
felixgrey Posted August 24, 2000 Share Posted August 24, 2000 One more from the Officer's Perf Revs: Officer has hit rock bottom and has continued to dig.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Commissar Posted August 24, 2000 Share Posted August 24, 2000 This is a Russian WW2 joke which I translated as best as possible. It is important to note that the particular partisans are "Gruzini", from a country called "Gruzia" in the former Soviet Union. They are made fun of in Russian anecdotes as being a particularly stupid lot. ---- 2 Russian partisans are crawling through a what field to get to a German camp and start sabotaging stuff. Suddenly, a German sentry hears them crawling and calls out "Who's there?!" One of the Gruzin partisans called out "Miaow, miaow" The German says "It's only a cat" and doesn't pay any more attention. The partisans crawl past, do their buiseness and are crawling back. The German hears them again and once again calles out "Who's there?!" The Gruzin who answered before yells back "It us cats crawling back!" ---- Well, I translated it as best as possible. It's much more funnier when in it's original language. ------------------ "...Every position, every meter of Soviet soil must be defended to the last drop of blood..." - Segment from Order 227 "Not a step back" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Formerly Babra Posted August 24, 2000 Share Posted August 24, 2000 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by The Commissar: Well, I translated it as best as possible. It's much more funnier when in it's original language.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Sounds like the travellers and the farmer's daughter. And, no, it isn't... ------------------ Sounds like 100% weapons-grade bolonium to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts