Terrorism Alert Level--International Humor

[John Kettler]

A friend sent me this, and it cracked me up.

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Terrorism Alert Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their former allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Author unknown

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Regards,

John Kettler

[Blackhorse]

HILARIOUS!!

Thanks for a good laugh.

[Kanonier Reichmann]

A friend sent me this, and it cracked me up.

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Terrorism Alert Levels

.....SNIP....

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Author unknown

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Regards,

John Kettler

Heaven help the world if we ever reach that final level of alert. I predict armageddon!

Regards

KR

[Wilhammer]

Thanks, John!

Though after reading what I just did about the attack at Fort Hood report and everything esle in recent terror news and the US, I can't help but think we are acting like we are ashamed to defend ourselves.

Maybe we should have our soldiers and politic ans sport these Scarlet 'D's on their lapels.

[Michael Emrys]

Good one, John!

The comment on the top level of Italian alert "Change Sides" reminded me of a comment that Rick Atkinson quotes in his book on the Italian campaign: "The only time the house of Savoy ever finished a war on the same side it began with has been if it lasted long enough to turn coat twice."

:D

Michael

[Affentitten]

I always think the French get a bad deal out of this sort of humour. Verdun was hardly white flag material.

[Michael Emrys]

True. And Napoleon certainly had them all going there for a bit. Louis XIV was something of a crusher too. That's just to name two.

Michael

[Affentitten]

And Americans should be rather aware of the French input to Yorktown.

[hcrof]

(Being British ) I think the English attitude mentioned in this piece is the right one. Terroists are somewhere between Tiresome and a Bloody Nuisance depending on how big the attack is. Its all very newsworthy but the chance of getting killed by a terrorist is very, very low. I could live in london all my life and I would probably just get hit by a car.

The American response to the latest 'underwear' bomber is very telling. The attack failed and yet you wouldn't have thought it from the media! Security is now so tight that terrorists have to resort to ridiculous and unreliable methods like using liquid detonators and explosive nappies and the US media is terrified!

Be like the brits when someone drove a flaming car filled with propane into a crowded airport lobby. Condemn the terrorists, congratulate the guys that overpowered them and forget about it in a week.

Funny article by the way

[Michael Emrys]

I could live in london all my life and I would probably just get hit by a car.

But it would be driven by a terrorist.

Michael

[Gunfreak]

Norway also have only two threat levels,

War with sweden

No war with sweden,

By a clarical error the war with sweden has been activated the last 10 years, but nobody seem to care, as the norwegian people are to adicted to cheap food and booze from sweden.

Iceland got 3 levels, and they are the same as the americans, if america goes to war they go to war, this is because all the military forces in iceland is realy american

[Elmar Bijlsma]

Suckers!

The Netherlands hasn't got any threat levels at all. As a fairly inoffensive country we assume we either don't get attacked or get atacked by such a douchebag enemy that must surely have picked up more enemies then just the Dutch.

Then we wait for liberation.

[Affentitten]

Of course the Swiss have threat levels along the lines of:

Market up

Market down

Increased rate of deposits

[dieseltaylor]

Good thread.

I am also narked at the inaccurate snipe at France. Would be funny apart from so many of the uninformed appear to believe it.!

[REVS]

Russia?

Phase 1: zzzzzzzzzzz

Phase 2: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Phase 3: swat!

[John Kettler]

Disclaimer

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End Disclaimer

Everyone happy now? Sheesh!

Regards,

John Kettler

[Michael Emrys]

Remarkable piece of boilerplate, I must say. I have my attorneys at this moment searching for a loophole. I think there may be some legislation in Massachusetts which will give us some leverage.

Michael

[John Kettler]

Michael Emrys,

Yes, especially given the hour at which I composed it and the shape I was in at the time! As for the Massachusetts angle, please be sure your cites are on point. That said, two points define a line and three a plane. Wouldn't want to fly in it, though!

Regards,

John Kettler

[flamingknives]

Given the tone and nature of the stereotypes, I'd be inclined to suggest that the author was British, or possibly an ex-pat living in the Antipodes or the States.

[Michael Emrys]

Given the tone and nature of the stereotypes, I'd be inclined to suggest that the author was British, or possibly an ex-pat living in the Antipodes or the States.

That has been my assumption as well. More likely the Antipodes (and more likely Australia than New Zealand) than here. Possibly Canada though.

Michael

[dieseltaylor]

Canadians are holding a public enquiry on the matter, have hired federal teams of bilingual grief counsellors and are controlling the situation through pieces of carefully-worded legislation which are currently on hold as the House is not sitting.

Which is the longest version I have found. The earliest version I have found is 2006 and does not include Antipodeans or the US. I therefore suspect it is probably from the UK as it seems to grow with people adding there own or favourite enemy country. It was last widely quoted in 2007. And it is interesting to see which areas of the world it has popped up in during the last few days

[gautrek]

some more from another forum.

The Swiss have also stepped up their alert from "Why are you calling our customers terrorists?" to "Oh alright then, bring us all your gold." The next (and final) level of alert is "Close the boders and deny everything.".

The Austrians had already escalated from "Yodel" to "Yodel AND wear lederhosen". They are considering the third level ("Join the next German Reich"), but they have become reluctant to use that in modern times, as it inevitably leads to the final level - "Blame the Germans".

The Monagasque (the inhabitants of Monaco, for the dense) only have one level - "Remind all the rich people that we have no tax and have never been involved in any fighting of any sort. Ever."

Further east, Ukraine is considering stepping up from "Hate All Russians" to "REALLY Hate all Russians". The Russians are at their usual level - "Terrorists? Find them and kill them all". The only real concern is that they may go to their other level - "Terrorists? Find their country and blow it up". This has a nasty habit of coinciding with the American's version - "Find a country we can spell and blow it up".

[gunnergoz]

One of the best threads in a while, I must say.

[dieseltaylor]

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive ...... expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asked the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads"

[souldierz]

The Canadians alert level starts at "Don't worry, be happy".

Then it switch's to "it's the Conservatives fault".

Then after it will be raised very quickly to "it was the Liberals fault".

After much debate in the House of Commons and after a public Inquiry that never really solves anything, it will then be raised to the "lets see what the Americans are going to do" level.

After another useless debate and a threat of another pointless election and more wasted tax dollars and with more glory talk about taking a leadership role, the terrorist level will finally be raised to "Let the Americans handle it".

This process will be washed, rinsed and repeated many times in that exact order until the threat just goes away or we decide to declare ourselves as terrorists and war criminals because an Afghan slapped a Taliban.