Peng, I Challenge you to a breathalyzer test

[imported_Hiram Sedai]

Request Firing mission on Papa Echo November Golf. Fire for effect.

We know that some of you will post on this first page to prove something to your unsatisfied wives. You will say “look, honey…I posted in the Peng thread and got away with it.” Meanwhile, you wonder why your first born looks exactly like your mailman.

Since you will post without challenging anyone and without showing a modicum of courage, we expectorate upon you. Your sad little life is laughable and you may go to bed tonight with the knowledge that I have had more interesting conversation with the findings in my porcelain companion than I will with you.

These are the rules.

Follow them or suffer the consequences. You are to challenge one (1) person to a battle in either CMBO or CMBB. You must be creative and show a bit of rage. Don’t request anything or apologize for anything. We demand quality in here and encourage you to stay the hell out if you prefer to whine about how CMBB does not improve your love life and therefore should be tweaked.

The brainless sycophants among us would use the silly catch phrase "Sod Off" but I won't stoop to that pedantic reply. Let me use some of my Merkin language tell you to get out and don't let the friggen door hit you on the backside on the way out.

Don't talk about "who's got the wine". That is just silly and strongly influenced by estrogen. We welcome the members of the opposite sex. They are to be treasured, admired, and dare I say...worshipped. But wine has nothing to do with eviscerating one's opponent and wearing his entrails upon our neck while dancing to a Jennifer Lopez tune.

There are certain brainless twits among you who like to try to be cool. We know who you are. Don't expect hugs and kisses when you post in here. Here is your warning: Get out now before we hurt you. Don't ask "what is a peng" because that is so passe. We were tired of you when you were replying to threads about how CMBB isn't modded well enough to make you seem good looking.

The graphics are just fine and the Staligrad Pack is all we need in life. Write that down.

Last thought: For the 99.9% of you scum sucking Non Peng participants who like to post in here once without reading the rules and then scamper away, you are gnat offal.

[ December 07, 2002, 05:12 PM: Message edited by: Hiram Sedai ]

[imported_Hiram Sedai]

Hirsute Hiram’s Gamey Update

So many opponents to mention here. Few actually read this thread any more. So, what’s it all about Alfie? Well, here is a little bit of sharing I’d like to do.

Hi, I’m Hiram and I play lousy games of CMBB. I’ve been CMBO free for 2 months now. waits for applause waits a little longer hears crickets chirping and the occasional bottom burp from the flatulent masses

JDMorse Lawyers are nefarious, bottom dwelling, scum sucking leeches. But, that is a given. I’m playing a scenario that was made for me to lose. Really..I read it in the Scenario forum and at the Scenario Depot. So, I’m supposed to lose anyway and shouldn’t be up all night weeping because I’m losing.

Elvis Yet another scenario where I’m supposed to not win. I’m biding my time until I unleash a Stalingrad Pack scenario upon his flabby buttocks. Mooo hahaha.

Boo Radley This is a scenario called “Detraining at Lodz”. I picked the Axis side and have noticed a veritable excrement-load of tanks coming my way. What was this guy thinking when he created this atrocity? (Let’s see if egocentric man visits and reads this with his dummy all dolled up and ready for action)

Goanna Waiting for turns while he visits all of his wives in assorted countries. I wonder how many offspring he has by now. He could name one “Hiram” for kicks and giggles. The polygamy should make the flaccid justicar jealous.

Lindan We ceased fire a QB to start a Stalingrad Pack scenario (Eye of the Storm) because it’s the right thing to do. Not sure how I’ll do, but let’s hope that the good guys win. In “good” I mean my guys, of course.

Lorak Starting “My City of Ruins” by Mister Phallically challenged Spoon. Still waiting for the next turn from Lorak. Can’t imagine I would lose this one unless I have my stroke before his surrender.

Seanachai I know that I’m wasting my time in this little scenario. The fact that it frustrates him and infuriates him makes me giggle. Granted, when I giggle, I tend to poot relentlessly until such time as it becomes moist, but that is a topic for another time.

Speedbump This is a fun little scenario that I forgot the name of. Mister Bump is cowering and waiting for me to roll him over. How precious!!

Moriarty We are having an inept armor battle with every tenth shot actually hitting. It’s a sad little battle that I’d rather not talk about now because it’s embarrassing.

MRPeng He is hopped up on mind altering drugs that make him think he can beat me. We are playing another Stalingrad Pack scenario called “Into the Void”. MRPeng waits for me to attack him and demands that I drop really big arty on his unworthy head.

He demands much and gives so little. He hopes for the bronchial break through where he might win. Since we all know that he is a “has been”, it’s easy to see that I will spank his flabby bottom in this one. I think I’ll blow cigarette smoke in his face and watch him cough up a lung.

[ December 07, 2002, 05:50 PM: Message edited by: Hiram Sedai ]

[dalem]

And you're ugly, too.

[Stalin's Organ]

Originally posted by dalem:

And you're ugly, too.

The third post of hte thread and already you owe me a turn!

And what's with those rules??

Even Mouse has never managed to start the MBT with such weak pansy-assed simpering collection of warm fuzzies!

Have you been seeing too much of yuor therapist Her-man?

Obviously the drugs are taking effect!

[Joe Shaw]

Oh my, another Hiram thread then is it? And one with his "customary" ability to wield UBB codes I see.

Ah well, this too shall we endure and, perhaps, grow the stronger for having endured. The important thing, see you, is what you DO with the time you are given. Dec. 18th for LOTR and I'm getting in the mood.

Has anyone mentioned that the rules well and truly suck? Ah yes, I see that someone did ... good.

Joe

[ December 07, 2002, 05:57 PM: Message edited by: Joe Shaw ]

[imported_Hiram Sedai]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Oh my, another Hiram thread then is it? And one with his "customary" ability to wield UBB codes I see.

Ah well, this too shall we endure and, perhaps, grow the stronger for having endured. The important thing, see you, is what you DO with the time you are given. Dec. 18th for LOTR and I'm getting in the mood.

Has anyone mentioned that the rules well and truly suck? Ah yes, I see that someone did ... good.

Joe

You know that the "rules" are subjective, Joe. I didn't bold anything in the rules because I expected someone to have some patience and actually read the damn text without looking for bolded words. There are thousands of my words wasted upon your geriatric generation because I failed to bold.

Tell me about how your hip gave out when you were dancing to an old Elvis tune, Joe. I care.

[Joe Shaw]

Originally posted by Hiram Sedai:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Oh my, another Hiram thread then is it? And one with his "customary" ability to wield UBB codes I see.

Ah well, this too shall we endure and, perhaps, grow the stronger for having endured. The important thing, see you, is what you DO with the time you are given. Dec. 18th for LOTR and I'm getting in the mood.

Has anyone mentioned that the rules well and truly suck? Ah yes, I see that someone did ... good.

Joe

You know that the "rules" are subjective, Joe. I didn't bold anything in the rules because I expected someone to have some patience and actually read the damn text without looking for bolded words. There are thousands of my words wasted upon your geriatric generation because I failed to bold.

Tell me about how your hip gave out when you were dancing to an old Elvis tune, Joe. I care.</font>

[Treeburst155]

Speaking of breathalyzers, let me bore you with a true story.

Many years ago, while driving around lost, and half drunk, in a strange town, I made an illegal U-turn (didn't see the bleedin' sign). Sure enough I was stopped by the the law.

As the officer approached the car I said in a most cheerful, smiling way, "How did you know I was drunk? What tipped you off?" Somewhat surprised at the open admission, he said, "Well, I just pulled you over for an illegal U-Turn actually. Other than that your driving seemed fine. I CAN smell the alcohol on your breath though. Would you be willing to take a breathalyzer test?"

I said, "Naah, that's a waste of time. I'm at .15, maybe .16". He chuckled and asked me to step out of the car for some field sobriety tests. These I must not have passed because he took me away to the police station. In the police car I asked him if we would make it to the jail in time for breakfast, and if they were serving oatmeal. I told him I liked oatmeal.

Once at the station, I took the breath test. Sure enough, I was at .15. In my cheery way I said, "See, I told ya so." The cop laughed, gave me a cup of coffee, and told be to go sit in the lobby until I felt I was below .10. At that time he would test me again. Some time later I was sure I was at .09-.10 so I walked up to the counter for my second breath test. Lo and behold, I was at .09, just like I thought. With a big shiite eating grin I said, "Now can I have a bowl of oatmeal?

The cop said, "No oatmeal for you, Mike. It would mess with your internal breathalyzer." At that point he gave me my keys, and directions to my car some 2 1/2 miles away. He let me go with no charges when I was well over the legal limit! The U-Turn violation was also forgotten.

The lessons: Admit your errors. Learn to love oatmeal. Be NICE to cops.

Treeburst155, Squire to Senior Knight More-Arty, Defender of Lost Causes

[ December 07, 2002, 06:36 PM: Message edited by: Treeburst155 ]

[imported_Hiram Sedai]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Hiram Sedai:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Oh my, another Hiram thread then is it? And one with his "customary" ability to wield UBB codes I see.

Ah well, this too shall we endure and, perhaps, grow the stronger for having endured. The important thing, see you, is what you DO with the time you are given. Dec. 18th for LOTR and I'm getting in the mood.

Has anyone mentioned that the rules well and truly suck? Ah yes, I see that someone did ... good.

Joe

You know that the "rules" are subjective, Joe. I didn't bold anything in the rules because I expected someone to have some patience and actually read the damn text without looking for bolded words. There are thousands of my words wasted upon your geriatric generation because I failed to bold.

Tell me about how your hip gave out when you were dancing to an old Elvis tune, Joe. I care.</font>

[Stalin's Organ]

Originally posted by Hiram Sedai:

JoeWhy Joe? Why? No matter what I do, it isn't good enough for you, Joe. I've tried to be flabby, incontanant, toothless, belicose, and myopic....

You're doing very well at all that so far.

But, you still push me away. .

Be thankful you fool!!

I try so hard to be what you want me to be, yet I fail every time. .

I predict more therapy and even more expensive drugs in your future.

I blame you Joe. It was you that started me on this downward, depressed spiral of inconsequental posting.

Stop simpering you silly sycophant!!

Act like a man......even an under-the-thumb *****-whipped one would be better than this.

You've obviously got too much time on your hands - a massacre will be winging its way to you shortly - my very first creation (choke) - it's a masterpiece, an epic, a fabulous creation that sets a new standard in scenario design - as gamey a piece of CMBB as you'll ever see, but you'll be too busy dying to notice.

[ December 07, 2002, 06:38 PM: Message edited by: Stalin's Organ ]

[Panzer Leader]

Hairsuit Hiram!

Lo these many years I averted my eyes when you passed by, not wanting to see the truth of the matter, to wit: You are a beastly little ball-cap wearing midget. With tendencies best served in the closet, I might add. Keep 'em bottled up, lad, otherwise that 'best friend since school-days' buddy of yours might wind up giving you a broken nose.

Or, and this I think is your BIGGEST fear, he will say something like "I've always felt the same way!" Whereupon as the sun sets over Long-Island you will, holding hands, schedule a trip to Coney Island.

You are a flummox, a flim-flam and a falafel. No longer can I stand your nattering. Shut your trap! Pull up those trousers and wash your face! And while you're at it, you doting little yes-man, send me a set-up for one of those orgasmic Stalingrad scenarios you keep wetting yourself over, 'kay?

I know, I know, your plate is full, you just can't build up the hate, you're tired, your best friend since primer is coming over and you have to vacuum, WHATEVER! Send it, send it NOWWWWWW...

Oh, and by the way, I wouldn't characterize "Chuck" as being booty-licious.

*Note to Seanachai:

Look, I tried, isn't that worth something? We're not all perfect, we can't all be gnomish, we can't all win the war.

[dalem]

Originally posted by Treeburst155:

The lessons: Admit your errors. Learn to love oatmeal. Be NICE to cops.

Yup. Being civil and nice to cops may not help, but in my experience usually does. On the other hand, being a dickhead will always hurt you.

[ianc]

Consider this the equivalent of someone rushing into the room, pulling down his pants, waving his unmentionables about, then beating a hasty retreat.

Lovingly,

ianc

[Panzer Leader]

Originally posted by ianc:

Consider this the equivalent of someone rushing into the room, pulling down his pants, waving his unmentionables about, then beating a hasty retreat.

Lovingly,

ianc

You won't beat anything in here, punk!

[ianc]

You won't beat anything in here, punk!

Check the bottoms of your shoes twinkletoes!

Is it OK to just insult people and not challenge them? Who cares?

ianc

[MrPeng]

Hiram

shut up and send the file.

idiot

Gaylord

shut up and send the file.

retard

Elvis

shut up and send the file.

wanker

Seanacahai

shut up and send the file.

poopants

Berli

shut up and send the file.

sheep's-gash

Old Foul Joe

Jast shaddap already. Sheesh.

Peng

Sobriety has not been kind to me.

[AUSSIEJEFF]

<FONT COLOR = PURPLE>SHOCKING<FONT COLOR = BLACK> but TRUE!

The following GAME SHAME file, that is ....

LARS : has foisted some gamey ****e upon my honorable Hungryaryans or somefink, whereby he gets at least 25 x 150mm FO's to pound away with during the darkest, most pitch black night conditions imaginable. Even with Gamma set to Highest I can't see a frickin' goddam thing!. Has he no SHAME?

NOBA (#1) : is hunkering in some poxy WW1 trenches, whilst plotting some devious plan in an attempt to foil my devious plan to foil HIS devious plan etc... This whole pointless exercise of his is RIDDLED with SHAME!

NOBA (#2) : is hunkering in some poxy woods, whilst plotting some devious plan in an attempt to foil my devious plan to foil HIS devious plan in some poxy scenario called "Tigger, Tigger". My Precision Tiger Driving Team will undoubtedly SHAME him into a shocking, massive defeat!

OGSF : is a SHAMELESS HUSSY for pounding my Pixeltruppen while they cower in some poxy woods in an <U>unwinnable scenario</U> called "A Bloody Lonely Land" or somefink, whilst I plot some devious plan in an attempt to foil HIS devious plan to foil MY devious plan. Of course, I shall suffer a massive defeat in any event. Oh, the SHAME!!!!

LEEO : is cowering in some poxy woods in an <U>unwinnable {for HIM} scenario</U> called "A Hard Boiled Egg" or somefink, whilst I plot some devious plan to sell all his dead SU-152's for scrap. Of course, he shall suffer a massive defeat in this one, with my SuperTiggers honking proudly over their dead prey. Oh, the unmitigating SHAME for him!!!!

NIDAN1 : is cowering in some poxy snowdrifts in an <U>unwinnable {for HIM} scenario</U> called "This Friggin' City Ruined My Plans" or somefink, whilst I plot some devious plan to hand him his a$$ on a frozen platter. Of course, he shall suffer a defeat of some description in this one, with my SuperT34's farting unashamedly in his general direction. Oh, the shabby, shambolic SHAME and humiliation for him!!!!

BOO : is cowering in some poxy woods in an <U>unwinnable {for HIM} QB scenario</U> called "Aussiejeff's Ultimate Unwinnable QB Scenario" or somefink, whilst I plot some devious plan to sell all his dead Pixeltruppen for spare body parts. Of course, he shall suffer a massive defeat in this one, with my SuperLendLease Tank Division hooting with derision over his flaccid forces. Oh, the ULTIMATE UNDENIABLE SHAME for him!!!!

JOE : is cowering in some poxy frozen woods in an <U>unwinnable {for HIM} scenario</U> called "Joe Hides In The Poxy Frozen Woods While Trying To Hatch A Plan To Foil The Mastermind AussieJeff" or somefink, whilst I mastermind a devious plan to hand him his butt but good. Of course, being Joe ensures that he shall suffer a massive defeat in this one, with my SuperT34's poised to honk long and loud over his soon-to-be dead Pixelpansies. Oh, the impending but nevertheless JUST SHAME for him!!!!

SIMON ELWIN : is cowering in some poxy woods in an <U>unwinnable {for HIM} Aussiejeff {Hey! That's me!!} inspired operation</U> called "XCessive Amounts Of Big Arty" or somefink, whilst I plot some devious plan to EXTERMINATE every last one of his pixelheads. Of course, my plan means that he shall suffer a massive defeat in this one, with my SuperLendLease Tank Divisions poised to sweep all before them in a thunderous climax! Oh, the undeniable, impending, oderous SHAME for HIM!!!!

STUKA : is in limbo, dealing with some personal issues whilst our poxy battles remain of low priority. There is NO SHAME in that.

Of course, should he chose to return to the field of bytebattle one day, he shall likely suffer a series of <U>massive defeats</U>, with appropriate dosages of SHAME A-PLENTY.

There. That oughtta just about do it.

SHAME on you's ALL, ya gamey gits!

AJ

Shamelessly Honest, In Truth

[Leeo]

As far as I can tell, all of you swinging clackers owe me a turn. C'mon, c'mon, process and send. I know none of you have enough of a life to distract you on a Saturday night. Put the magazine down, zip up your pants, and send me a fecking turn.

NOW.

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by MrPeng:

Berli

shut up and send the file.

Sent

Sod off

now

Peng

Sobriety has not been kind to me.

Your life has not been kind to us.

End it

[Boo Radley]

Originally posted by Hiram Sedai:

I've tried to be flabby, incontanant, toothless, belicose, and myopic...

There's where you went wrong, Bucky. You should've tried to be incontinent.

THEN and only then would you have been like Joe.

And you left out flatulent, poxy and as aromatic as two day old boiled cabbage.

Other than that, you could be like his Siamese twin, joined at the floor.

[Joe Shaw]

Old Foul Joe

Jast shaddap already. Sheesh.

I'll be sending you a turn ... we're not playing a game of course, and it won't be YOUR turn but it will be A turn and I'm sure that will make you feel, if not better, then at least not worse.

Joe

[Boo Radley]

Originally posted by dalem:

Being civil and nice to cops may not help, but in my experience usually does.

Another Saturday night in Minnesnowda, and dalem looks in his rear view mirror to see a set of party lights come up fast behind him. Knowing the drill, dalem pulls over to the side of the road and waits. As the deputy walks up to the driver's door, dalem rolls down the window and coquettishly asks,

"Whatever is the matter officer? Did I do something bad? Something very, very bad?"

dalem makes sure his jacket is unzipped halfway down as he pouts out his lower lip and then flips his hair back in a decidedly saucy manner.

"You won't use your big, big club on me, will you?" He asks breathlessly.

"First of all, Dale, Lars told me all about you when we all got together at Thanksgiving, so your flirting won't work on me, you little minx! I'm going to have to cite you for attempted speeding."

"ATTEMPTED speeding???" Asked dalem in dismay.

"Yes, attempted speeding," said the cop, "and you would have pulled it off too, if you hadn't been driving such a piece of ****e car."

The End

[AUSSIEJEFF]

Originally posted by Boo_Radley:

"You won't use your big, big club on me, will you?"

Fer GAWD'S SAKE lad! How many times do you have to be told! It's a BAT - NOT a CLUB....

And anyhoo, "big, big bat" has much better illiteration (which you are consumate at) than "big, big club".

You stand corrected.

AJ

PS: Anyone with half a pea-brain knows that the term "baton" is shortened from the past tense of "he smote the <U>bat on</U> his scone".

You KNOW it makes sense ..........

[Snarker]

Originally posted by AussieJeff:

And anyhoo, "big, big bat" has much better illiteration (which you are consumate at) than "big, big club".

You stand corrected.

AJ

PS: Anyone with half a pea-brain knows that the term "baton" is shortened from the past tense of "he smote the <U>bat on</U> his scone".

You KNOW it makes sense ..........

It makes sense? What makes sense you walkabout wallaby? A bat's a bat and a club's a club. A club isn't a bat, and a bat isn't a club. Unless you're in Oz, where apparently size doesn't matter.

Lucky for you.

[Stalin's Organ]

Originally posted by Leeo:

As far as I can tell, all of you swinging clackers owe me a turn.

I didn't even know we were playing a game - but if you say so then no prob - it's in the mail dorkus!