russellmz Posted May 20, 2001 Share Posted May 20, 2001 <font color="AA0000"><big>Frequently Asked Questions (now with answers!)</big></font> also check out the <big><font color="0000BB">Combat Mission 2 FAQ </font></big> First off, Probably the Number One Most Frequently Asked Question How do I take a screenshot? "On a Mac press Command + Shift + 3. A file will appear on your hard disk called Picture 1. Subsequent screenshots take subsequent numbers. On a PC press Print Screen. This saves the screen to the clipboard. Then open Paint and use Ctrl + V to paste to a new document." -Big Ron Now then, Look at the FAQs! Also a very good search function is available above. It is sometimes quicker at answering your questions then waiting for a reply. (Thanks Dogface for the swell-tastic image! And updating it after the forum change!) The search function has been on the fritz lately, but it should get you there most of the time, albeit slowly. You can search by member number to narrow your search. Your best bet is CAR_12's excellent FAQ at his webpage(look for a FAQ link there) CAR_12's CM for Macs Webpage wargamer.com's FAQ, based on posts by Steve and Charles The Wargamer CM FAQ Big Time Software's CM FAQ(way out of date): Big Time Software's CM FAQ Mina's Combat Mission Site Combat-Mission.com FAQ's and also useful is the Terms page. <font color="BB0000"><big>Board Culture, Usage, and Vocabulary</big></font> How do I use the UBB Board? How to: o make smillies o change your profile o find out about setting preferences o clear cookie o and much more! How do I: o post urls and images o quoting messages o email o bold and italicize o bullets/lists o preserve formatting How do I look at the UBB with no frames? How do I become a member? You need to post 30 messages. How many posts do I have? Look at one of your messages. There is an icon of a face with a question mark. Hit that button to get your current number of posts. What's with all the Peng threads? After a certain while a Peng thread (aka the Cesspool) gets so big that the UBB crashes(bad). Hence, new Peng threads. Here is the Peng FAQ for reader confusion. As to WHY the Peng threads, it is a place for mock insults at your opponents and match finding. Go in at your risk, and bring a thick skin. Who moderates/represents the BTS BBS/company? Big Time Software(Steve or Charles), Madmatt, and KwazyDog. How do I get a link/image in my signature? Images are not allowed in your signature. Where can I test my signature? Just add a post to the end of a topic. People will understand. What's with all the "Hi Mom!" posts in certain threads? The moderators lock down threads that threaten to spiral out of control into flamefests. Posters who think this is going to happen sardonically post "Hi Mom!" since you want to say hi to mom before the thread's locked. What's with all the gerbil and hamster talk? Most probably from the SS are overpriced hamsters! thread. Now it's part of the board vernacular. What's an Uber Tank? The biggest and baddest tanks in the game. Mostly German, they are the heaviest tanks in the game, and are almost impervious to smaller enemy tanks. A few examples are the Tiger, Panther, Jumbo, and Pershing. There are others as well. What's a mod slut? Someone who always searches for, downloads, and uses new mods for the game. What's this abbreviation mean? o AP: armor piercing o HT: Half-track, an armored car with front wheels but tracks in the back. o ME: Meeting Engagement, a type of quick battle between two sides with equal number of purchase points. o MG: Machine gun. There is also HMG, MMG, LMG for heavy, medium, and light mg. o PBEM: Play By E-Mail, playing another human by sending turns through email o QB: Quick Battle, the random scenario generator What's tungsten? Tungsten is a very dense metal used even today in armor piercing shells. They are used very effectively against German tanks but are less available in the early months of the war. <font color="BB0000"><big>TCP/IP and PBEM</big></font> Where's the TCP/IP patch? <a href="http://www.battlefront.com/downloads/index.html">Da' Patch<a/>. Scroll down till you see Combat Mission in Patches. How do I find an opponent? There is an opponents forum at battlefront: CM Opponent Finder. Also try the Tournament House Gaming League and Combat Mission HQ chat rooms. How do I tell my IP address? 1) Use this URL: http://www.babygrrl.com/ip.shtml 2A) choose RUN from the Start menu and type "WINIPCFG". Then click one of the connection devices, and it will reveal your IP. 2B) If you are using Mac, look at the TCP/IP setting in the Control Panel. 3) Host a TCP/IP game, then your IP address is shown automatically.[last two from GriffinCheng+] How do I switch from TCP/IP to PBEM? How can I make PBEM easier? You have two major choices: the PBEM utility by Fuerte or CM: One Click to Combat by Kman. Both have been recieved positively by the CMers on this forum. What are Fionn's Short 75 / Panther-76 Rules? Fionn's Rules can be found here. They were rules set up to prevent every engagement from being an uber tank battle(ex. all King Tigers vs. all Super Pershings). How is scoring done? Also, additional explanation of exit points and killing units. Random Quick Battle Settings availiable from George's program and JMcGuire's webpage. (Hit refresh on that page to get new results) <FONT color="BB0000"><big>Gameplay</big></font> Order the troops to move to the spot you want, and add some pauses so that it covers the time of the trip, plus command delay. Originally posted by kump: When you dismount, always dismount right next to the vehicle, somewhere close. If your dismount point is a good distance away from the mounted vehicle, the passengers will stay mounted, even with vehicles paused. They are waiting for the vehicle to approach close to the dismount point. So try it out. Pause the vehicle, plot it to move, and at the same time, plot the passenger to dismount right next to the vehicle. Then plot the passenger to move away. Turn vehicles off if the "embark" keeps happening when you try to dismount close. After following the above, I've ceased having dismount problems. See if it works for you. "Additional notes to the above: you don't actually need to stop but you can't be moving at Fast speed. If you want to keep the vehicles moving (e.g.to get them out of harm's way quickly) you can shift them to Move speed briefly right at the point you want the troops to disembark. I find that having the vehicles turn around a bit at Move speed pretty much guarantees the infantry will have enough time to get out. It also helps if the disembark movement order for the infantry is to a point as close as possible to the vehicle's track. You can issue additional movement waypoints to get away from the vehicle if needed." -L.Tankersley How do I un-bog my vehicle? There is a chance that you will not un-bog at all. But the current feeling is to remove all movement orders of the vehicle and then have the vehicle back-up straight. The building has suffered some damage if there is one star, and major damage if there are two. (You should evacuate any troops you have in a building with **) <font color="BB0000"><big>Reality</big></font> My King Tiger/Super Pershing/Uber tank missed fifteen times and got killed by a Stuart/Lynx/wuss tank! How did that happen? Sometimes bad luck happens, even in war. The little units may be computers but they act like men, so there will be screw-ups, chokes, and bad karma. On the technical side tanks have weak spots, poor armor quality, or even design flaws. Plus, the Allied tanks have and now use tungsten rounds in the new 1.1 patch, a major tank killer. When and where am I most likely to bog my tank? There was an unofficial test done to determine bogging probability. Originally posted by: joeri After thinking this over for a while I have made the following assumption on how it works: Chance of bogging is dependent on: - ground condition (unknown how but probably just how deeper the mud/snow the more chance) - terrain type (open terrain gives highest chance, then wheat, then brush, then scattered trees and lowest chance on roads) Movement order has no influence because when ground conditions are bad, the driver automatically takes the slowest possible speed. Exception is reverse which removes the chance of getting bogged (this is probably a bug). Based on these assumption best tactics in bad conditions would be (if roads are not available): - use reverse whenever no contact is expected (and you don't mind taking advantage of a possible bug). - use rough terrain like scattered trees and avoid open terrain when advancing to contact. Totally different from how I used to do it. How do I un-bog my vehicle? There is a chance that you will not un-bog at all and will be immobilized. But the current feeling is to remove all movement orders of the vehicle and then have the vehicle back-up straight. Only if they are knocked out and burning because the smoke blocks line of sight(LOS). The calculations are too complex for CM to do it while the vehicles are on the move. If the target was too close the main gun's blast knocked out the tank. You can check if this is so by clicking on the unit, pressing ENTER, and clicking "kills". The tank should list itself as a kill. Depends on how close the machine gun was and it's ability to penetrate armor. Angle and armor quality also factors in. For example, a Hetzer's side armor cannot withstand a .50 caliber machinegun at medium to close range. (The .50 caliber was designed to take out light armor) Here is an example of the MG42 and .50 caliber's penetrating power: "BTS ran out of time. There is an official statement, and many discussions relating to this topic, and it brings forth a lot of passion amongst people." -Germanboy No, but they may get knocked out if the main gun gets damaged. Yes, if it has MG ammunition left. You can check this by clicking on the unit and hitting enter. Do machine guns jam or get damaged at all? Yes, a machine gun can indeed JAM. What's cool is that the gun crew can unJAM it given enough experience and time. Machine guns can also be immobilized. Why can't my light/heavy machine gun run? They have to carry the machine gun(heavy), spare gun barrels(a bit of weight), and ammo(really, really heavy). See the links so kindly provided by Lindan: spur of the moment complaining and David Aitken: Light MG 42's speed Basically, they are modelled fairly well, although they cannot be told to do some common techniques that stop human waves(grazing fire, fire arcs). Read especially the long BTS post by Steve on page 8 (yeah, page 8). How did that human wave attack succeed? The human wave succeeded for several reasons: o if it suffered a 40-60 percent loss, than that's not a good thing for the attacker, and hardly something for the enemy to cheer about o your machine guns were alone o your machine guns were right in the front line instead of being far back. They work best if the enemy is at least 300m away. o you told the machine gunner to target one unit in particular. Even if it breaks and runs away, it will ignore other squads running straight at it longer than if you left the machine gun to fire on it's own judgement. Most likely the squads have a light maching gun, the MG42, which requires two men to man. One soldier with a rifle will drop his rifle and help with the more deadly LMG. Of course, there is also Topozone. "WP was, so far as our research shows, rare on the battlefield. Very few weapons could fire it, so right there we question if we should bother with it in the first place. And when used HE or Smoke could have done just a good of a job at CM's level." -Steve Why can't my artillery spotter hide and fire at the same time? It can. It will have reduced accuracy and longer response time. That will happen if the oberver doesn't have a clear LOS. it will only move at 1 sec/1 sec if there is a clear LOS to the target. Unit experience also is a factor I believe. Generally wooden bridges blow up in a few turns. Stone bridges are tougher. The large heavy stone bridge needs 14 inch guns or 300mm rockets to destroy in any decent amount of time.] ========================================= <font color="BB0000"><big>Graphics</big></font> Possibly the most asked question. "On a Mac press Command + Shift + 3. A file will appear on your hard disk called Picture 1. Subsequent screenshots take subsequent numbers. On a PC press Print Screen. This saves the screen to the clipboard. Then open Paint and use Ctrl + V to paste to a new document." -Big Ron "Go to the CMBO directory and delete the "prefs" file. When you restart CM, you will be able to change resolutions." -Doug Williams It takes too much computing power to show all 8-12 men. A lot of polygons go into those little men so tripling the number will tax almost any CPU/videocard. Why isn't a bloody corpse shown for every casualty? Again, too much computing power is required. Not only that but BTS felt that too much gore will detract from the game. Sorry no, the big, dark crater is the same picture as the foxhole picture. Sorry, in CMBO it is a flat .bmp, not a 3D object. However you could place several roadblocks on top to simulate a pile of rubble, since they use the same bmp file. "...there is one little 'trick' you can use; just raise the rubble tile 1 elevation level, compared to the surrounding tiles." -Fred <font color="BB0000"><big>Mods & Sounds </big></font> There are numerous places. Try this post, for beginner tips. The major mod palace is CMHQ. This is where most mods start off or wind up. Another place I go to is CM Outpost. Be sure to read this great article on CM mods, written by one of this board's very own members! And also at Manx's awesome COMBAT MISSIONS there is . Where can I find the desert mod? The Desert Fox Desert Rats mod is at http://www.dfdr.net/ No, sorry. ...items that are hard coded:<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Unit bases<LI>Berrets<LI>Pistols<LI>On map mortars<LI>MG tripods<LI>Bazooka/Panzerschreck/PIATsThese are the items I remember straight off. There may be more... Cheers Olle</font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Muzzle concussion and the building collapse shockwave/debris cloud are hard-coded as well. How do I change .bmp & .wav files to use on a Mac? " (MCMMM - MCM3 for short) and the are both at CMHQ under third party dl's iirc." -jd Where can I find a list of all the .bmp files?Right here. Grass tiles are .bmp files 1550-1569. The above link goes to a thread where I posted a general sound map. Scroll down till you see a listing... The .wav file should be at Mono 16 bit 44100 samples. Use a sound utility to make sure it has these properties. Change file 00000171.wav and either use a computer sound recorder program to reduce the noise level or copy in a different sound like the sniper sound 00000410.wav or the "Taps" end of battle sound 00000129.wav. How do I change that really loud exit sound?Change file 00005010.wav and either use a computer sound recorder program to reduce the noise level or copy in a different sound like the sniper sound 00000410.wav. <font color="BB0000"><big>Scenario Editing and Work-arounds</font></big> How do I increase a scenario map to the South and West in the scenario editor? On the width and height buttons, hold SHIFT and click the height and width buttons to increase/decrease map to the South and West. Suggestions with comments, located in the Scenario Editing Forum. How do I: o generate a random map? There's an "Auto Generate" random map button at the top of the editor. o turn off the numbers indicating height in terrain mode? There's a "Don't Show Height" button at the top left of the editor. o add bocages, walls, hedges, etc.? There're more tiles than can be show in one screen. Hit the button with the down arrow above the tiles. o edit a unit? In the unit listing double-click the unit you wish to edit, or click the edit button at the bottom of the screen. o select unit positions Hit the "Preview" button near the top of the editor and place the units wherever you want on the map. o liiiive without yooooou? I waaant to knooow... "is break your reinforcements up into 5 groups and use all the reinforcement slots" -Berlichtingen How do I set the initial view for each side when the scenario starts? Before you exit the editor, move the camera to the view that you want the Allied player to see when the game starts. Then for the Axis player, press "\", no quotes (not the turn 180 degrees key, other slash), then set the camera view. Press GO! and then save it. Sorry, in CMBO it is a flat .bmp, not a 3D object. However you could place several roadblocks on top to simulate a pile of rubble, since they use the same bmp file. "...there is one little 'trick' you can use; just raise the rubble tile 1 elevation level, compared to the surrounding tiles." -Fred How can I edit a vehicle so it is immobilized? No actual editor commands for that but I found a work arounds (I hereby claim credit for the rubble immobilization technique now and forever!). First, take the vehicle and padlock it exactly where you want. Go to the terrain editor and place a rubble or rough tile on top. The vehicle can still rotate, but it can't move out. How can I put a gun in a house? Same as above, place unit where you want, then put a terrain tile over it.[note:I haven't tested the effectiveness of the gun in the house, so be warned] How can I edit a vehicle unit so it is gun damaged? Edit the unit so it has no ammo. How can I edit a unit so it has wounded? Use split squads and make some of them shaken. That's the best idea I heard as of yet. How do I make the AI attack more aggressively? Swap the map edges. So if Allied friendly edge is West, make it East in the scenario and vice versa for the Axis. Also there is this tip: <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by James: Here are some tips on senario design which give better AI performance from the infantry and more unpredicatble better fought meeting engagements. Here are the three steps. First: In map preview split all squads. This may seem strange but what happens is the split squads behave with more caution, a more sensitive TacAI - they react more sensibily without needless sacrifice. Also the global moral of both sides drops to 55-70% making the overall AI more cautious and less prone to giving you a turkey shoot. The infantryman in CM is abstrated into squads, by splitting the squads that abstraction is also half as less. Second: Remove all victory flags. What!? I hear you say! The trouble with VLs is that you know where the enemy will head for, even with dynamic ones, and all you have to do is get there first into cover to let the AI force his men relentlessly into your incoming until their all casulties or broken. Third: Place exit zones for each side opposite each other. ie Allies start in the west advance to exit zone in the east and the opposite for Axis. What it actually does is give the Strat AI a fine balence between attack and defence. It will utilse both strategies with flexibility according to the situation and use any part of the map. It even withdraws in a hot spot to a better position. Actual exiting by the AI hardly ever happens, and there is no need for you to exit if you are concentrating on defeating the enemy. The exit zones are there not there as an objective but as a modification to the behavior of the AI. These 3 steps may seem a bit strange but try designing a senario useing them all. Even an experienced CM player can actully be given a real challenge and be beaten by the AI without it having superior weight of numbers! I use forces of approximatly equal point strength all the time and the AI really gives as good as it gets. I have had some excellent battles and lost a number of times, drawn most times, won sometime. Not only does it feel more realistic it is a better game for useing these 3 steps.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Also, additional explanation of exit points and killing units. <font color="BB0000"><big>Misc</big></font> <A HREF="http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/014130.html" TARGET=_blank>When will my copy get here? </A>"Answer is that normally it takes about 3-5 days for an order to arrive in the US, about 10-15 elsewhere." -Steve Also says it takes 2-4 times longer during the holiday season. Not to mention that BTS sometimes runs out of stock due to demand. Overseas can be even longer: for example, three weeks for Finland. "go to the Dogs of War website at: halfway down the page on the left are links for different catagories of units, just about anything you could want." -Silvio Manuel Chris' CM Scenarios and Unit Database Charts also has CM statistics (go to bottom of page). What's the latest patch? That would be v1.12. Be sure to get it here. There will be no other patches as CM2 is now being worked on. How can I watch all the movies together? You probably can't. Unless you do PBEM(which saves movie files) you can't save movie files since a saved turn has a different outcome each time. If you do have PBEM files, KMan made a PC utility that works on some computers to play all the files. Also go to Combat Missions' WWII Books - Recommended Reading, and you can support Manx too! Thanks to all who post answers to questions so I can just post a link to it, the CM webmasters, and of course, the FAQ bumpers, who have fancy plans, and pants to match. <small>Feel free to copy, post, and modify it elsewhere (so long as it still has the correct answers). Please email any comments, suggestions, and especially corrections to </small> <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Germanboy: IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT BEFORE READING ON!!!!! The only post truly worth reading is the first one. All the other posts are a public service mostly provided by people from the Peng Thread to keep the first post afloat. If you have any moral/legal/tastal/mammal or any other issues with the Peng Thread and its occupants, please refrain from reading on, since even JD Morse will not be able to get damages for you in that case. We will write a harmless story and promise to try very hard to behave and self-police this. Honest. If you read on, you have been warned, don't come a-crying later. [ 05-23-2001: Message edited by: russellmz ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Panzer Leader Posted May 20, 2001 Share Posted May 20, 2001 Yikes! You better turn on the HTML! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrspkr2 Posted May 20, 2001 Share Posted May 20, 2001 . . .the FAQ'ers awoke slowly from their daze. "What the heck was that?" said Mace. "One minute I was shagging a fine little ewe and the next thing I know, I've lost a week of my life!" "And look at this place! It's got Baldy's marks EVERYWHERE! I haven't seen this much lavender and leopard skin print since . . ." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phillies Phan Posted May 21, 2001 Share Posted May 21, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mrspkr2: . . .the FAQ'ers awoke slowly from their daze. "What the heck was that?" said Mace. "One minute I was shagging a fine little ewe and the next thing I know, I've lost a week of my life!" "And look at this place! It's got Baldy's marks EVERYWHERE! I haven't seen this much lavender and leopard skin print since . . ."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> mistersprinkler wandered into my garden and peed on my petunias. He was an odd fellow with a paunch and rosy cheeks. He had been released from an institution and was looking for a funky good time. We yelled over the fence, "hey, mistersprinkler. Watcha doin over there?" He didn't notice us as he watered every flower in sight with his own personal sprinkler. It was somewhat disconcerting to view and we had to call the authorities so they could... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mace Posted May 21, 2001 Share Posted May 21, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Phillies Phan: It was somewhat disconcerting to view and we had to call the authorities so they could...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> ...wait, knowing how much releasing the criminally insane into the general community would annoy the populace. With a quick zip, Mister Sprinkler finished his preliminary work of 'watering' the flowers, pulled out an almighty large meat cleaver, and with an evil look in his eyes, went to... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrspkr2 Posted May 21, 2001 Share Posted May 21, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mace: ...wait, knowing how much releasing the criminally insane into the general community would annoy the populace. With a quick zip, Mister Sprinkler finished his preliminary work of 'watering' the flowers, pulled out an almighty large meat cleaver, and with an evil look in his eyes, went to...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> make himself of Phillies Cheesesteak sandwich. "Mmm, mmmm ,mmm," he slobbered as he swung the cleaver. Phillies shrieked horrifically as blood began to spew from his mortal wounds. And then . . . He woke up. "Wow, what a strange dream," Phillies' said, absently stroking his favorite dog, Wormy. "That was almost as strange as the time I . . ." [ 05-20-2001: Message edited by: mrspkr2 ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
russellmz Posted May 21, 2001 Author Share Posted May 21, 2001 "...i xeroxed myself while wearing sunglasses. tried to prove a theory ivolving the fifth dimension." phillies arch enemy remarked, "well agent scully, that probably shorted out..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mace Posted May 24, 2001 Share Posted May 24, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by russellmz: phillies arch enemy remarked, "well agent scully, that probably shorted out..."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> "...your favorite electrical appliance, the one brought out for those special occasions when no one else is around, the one that fills the room with a buzzing sound. Of course I mean your..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maximus Posted May 24, 2001 Share Posted May 24, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mace: "...your favorite electrical appliance, the one brought out for those special occasions when no one else is around, the one that fills the room with a buzzing sound. Of course I mean your..."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> ...electric back massager." With that Phillies turned around and was awe struck with what he witnessed. It was none other than Gustav coming over the horizon in his fishing trauler and waving to everybody when all of a sudden a huge whale shark rammed nto the boat from underneath, capsizing it and it along with poor ol' Gustav began to sink. "HELP!!!" yelled Gustav, "Somebody throw me a rope!" However, nobody seemed to care. Outraged, Gustav tried to swim to shore when.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrSpkr Posted May 24, 2001 Share Posted May 24, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Maximus: ...electric back massager." With that Phillies turned around and was awe struck with what he witnessed. It was none other than Gustav coming over the horizon in his fishing trauler and waving to everybody when all of a sudden a huge whale shark rammed nto the boat from underneath, capsizing it and it along with poor ol' Gustav began to sink. "HELP!!!" yelled Gustav, "Somebody throw me a rope!" However, nobody seemed to care. Outraged, Gustav tried to swim to shore when....<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> a U-Boat surfaced beneath him. "My word!" he exclaimed. "A Type VII-B! I haven't see one of these since . . ." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herr Oberst Posted May 24, 2001 Share Posted May 24, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr: a U-Boat surfaced beneath him. "My word!" he exclaimed. "A Type VII-B! I haven't see one of these since . . ."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> "since the last time a giant whale shark rammed my trawler, making a large hole in it, and throwing me into the water to sink along side my boat..." "Saaayyyyyyyy... something fishy is going on here... and I don't mean fishing fishy... I mean the suspicious kind of fishy... and who was that Mulder guy anyway? He looked kind of like..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speedy Posted May 24, 2001 Share Posted May 24, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Herr Oberst: "since the last time a giant whale shark rammed my trawler, making a large hole in it, and throwing me into the water to sink along side my boat..." "Saaayyyyyyyy... something fishy is going on here... and I don't mean fishing fishy... I mean the suspicious kind of fishy... and who was that Mulder guy anyway? He looked kind of like..."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> ....And now for something completly different... [ 05-24-2001: Message edited by: Speedy ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
russellmz Posted May 24, 2001 Author Share Posted May 24, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Speedy: ....And now for something completly different... [ 05-24-2001: Message edited by: Speedy ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> ..., yes the famous dr. 'nhowfoursommethinkcommpetelydifrent fropm greater nigeria, renown for... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phillies Phan Posted May 24, 2001 Share Posted May 24, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by russellmz: ..., yes the famous dr. 'nhowfoursommethinkcommpetelydifrent fropm greater nigeria, renown for...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> ...shlubbidy dancing. He preffered to be called "Larry". Too many years of watching "Whose Line is it anyway" affected him in ways that are both embarrasing and curiously intriguing. His friend, Mr. Gonzales (Speedy) followed him around the continent of Australia and said things like "okay, boss". His was a sad story, filled with... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herr Oberst Posted May 24, 2001 Share Posted May 24, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Phillies Phan: ...His friend, Mr. Gonzales (Speedy) followed him around the continent of Australia and said things like "okay, boss". His was a sad story, filled with...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> the trials and tribulations of a man with three buttocks. "Ever since I was a little nipper, I've had me three bums. And the worst fact o' the lot is that the one in the middle is the biggest of the three. Whenever I tried to sit down, I'd always suffer a topplement in one direction of the other," Speedy lamented. "An' that ain't saying anything about the troubles I've had trying to use the loo. Those seats are only made for a pair of buttocks. That makes it kind of easy for you normal folks to know where to put your arse." "But I've got different issues. Wit me three buttocks, I've got twice as many cracks, and it's tough to know which one to put over the crapper." "I don't know how many times me mum beat me silly because..." [ 05-24-2001: Message edited by: Herr Oberst ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maximus Posted May 24, 2001 Share Posted May 24, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Herr Oberst: "But I've got different issues. Wit me three buttocks, I've got twice as many cracks, and it's tough to know which one to put over the crapper." "I don't know how many times me mum beat me silly because..." [ 05-24-2001: Message edited by: Herr Oberst ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> ...I kept calling her "mum" when that was the name of a flower, however that's a different story. The real reason she would beat me is because I would stick one crack over the crapper when it was the other one that would let loose, therefore making a big mess of fecal material all over her brand new bathroom rug. However, having three buttocks came in useful when having extra-curricular activities with the opposite sex as it allowed said person to keep their hands warm while in the act of desecrating the sacred sacrement of sheep shagging. "HEY!" yelled Mace, "that's my job!" "Get outta the way, let me in there!" With that Phillies gleefully stepped aside while Mace stormed through and..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrSpkr Posted May 24, 2001 Share Posted May 24, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> Originally spewed by Maximus: ...I kept calling her "mum" when that was the name of a flower, however that's a different story. The real reason she would beat me is because I would stick one crack over the crapper when it was the other one that would let loose, therefore making a big mess of fecal material all over her brand new bathroom rug. However, having three buttocks came in useful when having extra-curricular activities with the opposite sex as it allowed said person to keep their hands warm while in the act of desecrating the sacred sacrement of sheep shagging. "HEY!" yelled Mace, "that's my job!" "Get outta the way, let me in there!" With that Phillies gleefully stepped aside while Mace stormed through and.....<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> immediately organized his uber-hamsters for an assault on . . . [ 05-24-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herr Oberst Posted May 24, 2001 Share Posted May 24, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr: immediately organized his uber-hamsters for an assault on . . . [ 05-24-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Speedy's crack... er, cracks... "Roight you hamsters! We got that hill... no, hang on, we got those two hills... no, wait a minute, we got those three hills, yup, three hills to take, and precious little time to do it in." Mace checked his watch. "It's 4:06pm, and I got me a date with a flock of ewe's at 4:30. Now, let's get out there and prove to them that you are a serious bunch of blood-spilling, ankle-biting, exercise-wheel-running uber-hamster-truppen!" "First platoon form up and cover the left buttock, and be sure to use those little claws in your attack." "Second platoon take the right buttock with the same orders." "Third platoon and I will hang back until the flanks are secured, then we'll launch our assault right up the middle." "Rumors are that the enemy has gas and he isn't afraid to use it, so be sure to wear your nein-schtinkin-schmellin-gear during the attack." "All right, who's with me?!?" Mace exhorted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mace Posted May 25, 2001 Share Posted May 25, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Herr Oberst: "All right, who's with me?!?" Mace exhorted.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> ..."I'm off to the pub to sink a few pints, while all this killing is done. I'll check back in an hour on my uber-hamster truppen!" Meanwhile, Captain Carnage, reknown superhero of Hicksville, was on nightly patrol looking for... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herr Oberst Posted May 25, 2001 Share Posted May 25, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mace: ..."I'm off to the pub to sink a few pints, while all this killing is done. I'll check back in an hour on my uber-hamster truppen!" Meanwhile, Captain Carnage, reknown superhero of Hicksville, was on nightly patrol looking for...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> some righteous threads that had fallen off the first page due to the neglect of all those gamey bastards who should be posting!!! *superhero voice required, or at least Johnny Bravo* "What's this? The FAQ has fallen off the first page? There must be evil afoot to make this happen..." (Captain Carnage peers around looking for Berli.) "No, no evil here now." (Returns attention to the FAQ thread) "Well it looked like it certainly started off well. What happened???" (Reads most of the thread.) "Here it is. The moment of death. No wonder the thread has been neglected. Someone derailed the FAQ!" "I didn't think that was possible. The FAQ is famous for its wanderings and convolutions, but here it is. A non-sensical break that has no lead, has no direction. And who is the monstrous evil perpetrator of this monstrous evil act?" (Captain Carnage peers around looking for Berli.) "No, not that monstrous evil. The evil I speak of is Speedy! Speedy the Foul. Speedy the Hideous! Speedy the Malignant!! Speedy the... the... well, you got the picture." "Senor Speedy, j'accuse!! Prepare yourself evil one!" (Captain Carnage peers around looking for Berli.) "No, not that evil one!" "Prepare yourself Speedy, for I shall..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrSpkr Posted May 25, 2001 Share Posted May 25, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Herr Oberst: some righteous threads that had fallen off the first page due to the neglect of all those gamey bastards who should be posting!!! *superhero voice required, or at least Johnny Bravo* "What's this? The FAQ has fallen off the first page? There must be evil afoot to make this happen..." (Captain Carnage peers around looking for Berli.) "No, no evil here now." (Returns attention to the FAQ thread) "Well it looked like it certainly started off well. What happened???" (Reads most of the thread.) "Here it is. The moment of death. No wonder the thread has been neglected. Someone derailed the FAQ!" "I didn't think that was possible. The FAQ is famous for its wanderings and convolutions, but here it is. A non-sensical break that has no lead, has no direction. And who is the monstrous evil perpetrator of this monstrous evil act?" (Captain Carnage peers around looking for Berli.) "No, not that monstrous evil. The evil I speak of is Speedy! Speedy the Foul. Speedy the Hideous! Speedy the Malignant!! Speedy the... the... well, you got the picture." "Senor Speedy, j'accuse!! Prepare yourself evil one!" (Captain Carnage peers around looking for Berli.) "No, not that evil one!" "Prepare yourself Speedy, for I shall..."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> taunt you some more! Take that, you bilge sniffing, breaker of mother's hearts! And furthermore . . ." (Captain Carnage gives up looking for evil and takes a nice nap) Meanwhile . . . [ 05-25-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mace Posted May 25, 2001 Share Posted May 25, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr: Meanwhile . . .<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> ...Speedy, in his lair of evil-doing, begins to hatch a nefarious plot to take over the world through the... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mensch Posted May 25, 2001 Share Posted May 25, 2001 crap.. I have been doing it wrong all along!! I was taking pictures with my 30mm camera of the screen running to get them developed at "quickie film - we develop your film in 30 minutes" then running home scanning the suckers and then posting them. gee I thought there must be an easyer way of doing this! boy do I feel like an frenchman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
russellmz Posted May 26, 2001 Author Share Posted May 26, 2001 "speaking of france, i went there and had...uh...what do they call those frog thingw that they eat in france anyway?" asked the faq author. "it's called chinese food, now shut up,"snapped... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrSpkr Posted May 26, 2001 Share Posted May 26, 2001 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by russellmz: "speaking of france, i went there and had...uh...what do they call those frog thingw that they eat in france anyway?" asked the faq author. "it's called chinese food, now shut up,"snapped...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> mensch, obviously wishing to emulate his idol, Pawbroon. The other FAQer's smiled nervously and slunk away, intent on . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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