Bill Paxton as patron saint of the Peng Challenge Thread

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>NEW TITLE FOR JOE SHAW<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Let me see if I got this straight ... we have Lawyer who, by his own admission, is not only AN ATTORNEY but a GOVERNMENT ATTORNEY whose own photo has him standing in front of the Capitol dome as if he OWNED THE DAMNED PLACE, complaining about ME putting on airs? Now granted it would be difficult to find a more pejorative title for anyone than Lawyer, but HE WAS THE ONE WHO CHOSE IT. It's not my fault that he finally realized what he was calling himself.

Joe

[Lawyer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Let me see if I got this straight ... we have Lawyer who, by his own admission, is not only AN ATTORNEY but a GOVERNMENT ATTORNEY whose own photo has him standing in front of the Capitol dome as if he OWNED THE DAMNED PLACE, complaining about ME putting on airs? Now granted it would be difficult to find a more pejorative title for anyone than Lawyer, but HE WAS THE ONE WHO CHOSE IT. It's not my fault that he finally realized what he was calling himself.

Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Weak, Mr. Tinkles, very weak indeed. No denials, which wouldn't work anyway. Pointing the finger in another direction won't do it.

I just don't think the Cess Vultures will buy it. By your own over-abundant postings are you known.

Here's to ya, Mr. Tinkles!

[Panzer Leader]

Updates:

Listen here you wankers. I made it perfectly clear that my computer took a dive bomb into the netherworld and needed to be rescued through the usage of an Ancient Chinese secret whose main components are a boot disk and a Windows CD.

Yes it is true, I had to reformat, but now my big hard drive is clean again. Like when I was twenty and had to take a weeks worth of that high-powered antibiotic, afterwards I was clean, potent and ready for action.

But I digress, it seems that some of my worthy opponents... wait scratch that; it seems that many of my UNworthy opponents have taken this opportunity to slink away from their whooping and (with a sigh and fingers crossed) hope that I do not remember our game and demand satisfaction.

Dame Achin! You conspirator, you keeper of all CM lore, you big bully, making the rich kid with all the toys cry and run home. I have not forgotten our game. Send the last turn and prepare to die by TIGER'S tigers!

Pawbroon! Please, do not send me that Rommel22 abortion we were playing. Send anything, ANYTHING but that!

Seanachai! Put down the pan flute you satyr and send me a turn.

Anyone else whom I may have forgotten due to you suck, send me my turns!

SEND ME MY TURNS!!!!

And another thing, while I'm at it. I am in need of antother game, but I seem to be feeling an equal amount of hatred to all, so could someone please step forward so I could target my bile-drenched spittle your way?

THANX!

W/B/S

[Joe Shaw]

Lorak, yo Lorak I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'M a man of honor even if others are not. Others might conveniently forget to report a game against a Knight who has been absent, others might but I don't, even when the result goes against me. So be it known that the Battle Without End against Hakko Ichiu has finally ended against all odds and I ... {shudder} won the damn thing. Yes I know, I know but I started it LONG ago when I was young and foolish and thought that winning was important. The damage done during those early turns was irrevocable and the deed is done.

Hakko Ichiu: Loss

Joe Shaw: Win

Now remember boys and girls, Sir Joe Shaw doesn't advocate winning games of CM , winning or losing makes no difference, but sometimes adults do things in their early days that they are ... well, ashamed of later ... look at Lawyer for example.

Joe

[Mark IV]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>After what seems a millenium here, I can't imagine posting somefink like:could someone please step forward <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

See page 1, of most Peng Challenge Threads including this one, spanning two US administrations, six Italian governments, two millenia and as many centuries, and the volumetric equivalent of Lake Baikal in alcoholic spirits:

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>coming in, striking a pose, and challenging everyone in the Thread to a match will cause the wastelands to echo with laughter, and you will look like the stupid pillock you are. You will then be told to Go Away, more forcibly, and people will really begin to mean it. Pick someone out, preferably something as newly arrived and worthless as yourself, taunt and challenge it, and you might get a game. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

HAHAHAHA (echo) hahahaha.

Go Away.

[Leeo]

Ha Ha Ha. Oh, Mouse, that is truly lovely. Ha HAHAHAHAHHA ha ha ha Haaa, wheeeewwww, I mean, that is really rich! Ha Ha, ho ho, hee, hee. Oh my, My eyes are watering. Teee Hee hee. HA HA-Fricken'-HA Ha ha ha. Please, stop, I can't take any more. Hoo Hoo, hee he, ha ha.

Chuckle.

Whew, that was a good one (wiping eyes with big red bandana).

[Panzer Leader]

Mark IV, you worthless git. I don'r need some anal retentive Felix Unger directing me as to what's appropro and what isn't. I can't believe you have the nerve to do that. What a squarehead, what a dope! Bring on a scenario you freakazoid. In fact, I am feeling so generous I would even play you in that scenario you sent me a while back with the line "Please oh please test this for me." I never did test it, and lost it now, but I am confident enought that I will go in blind.

What a creep.

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrPeng:

B. texas should be made to join mexico, not capitalized.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

AWRIGHT you two toned, nine-toed, halfbrained dimwit backwoods yankee refugee! If given the choice between being part of the same union as Pennsylvania and joining (and taking over) Mexico, we'll go with our southern friends and neighbors in a second. They are harder working, smarter, socially more redeeming AND they tend to bathe at least once a week (four times your personal best, I understand).

In fact, we DID make that choice once, then those other losers on the East Coast (fancy-schmancy Virginian cusses) went and lost the war their ownselves.

I'd bother challenging you, worthless son of a mangy, flea-ridden beagle, but I understand you have difficulty reading sentences with more than two words in it. So, let me make this simple (in deference to you, Peng:

YOU SUCK!

Clear?

[Mark IV]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Panzer Leader:

...worthless git... anal retentive Felix Unger... I can't believe you have the nerve... squarehead... dope... freakazoid... creep.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

That's a nice effort for you. The problem is that this sounds more like someone who has just LOST a pair, without benefit of anasthesia, than someone who's GOT a pair. You are sputtering, sirrah (again, that eerie similarity to a nascent Shaw... ).

Seanachai, you are malfeasant! Your squirelet has failed in the vital matters of bolding, failed to address me as HERR Unger, failed to exhibit the wit or bile of a salted snail, and has challenged above his station, although not many lawn beetle larvae have internet access, to be sure.

I'm going to leave the room for a few hours and I trust this matter will be dealt with before I return.

[Lawyer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr:

They are harder working, smarter, socially more redeeming AND they tend to bathe at least once a week (four times your personal best, I understand).

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Mexicans make better food than PA, too. And they go great yardwork.

[Leeo]

Alright you Pengian Cesspooligans, I've got a belly full of malt liquor, and require, Nay, Demand some INFOTAINMENT!

I'm awaiting turns from my foes, and, well, since I have the attention span of a gnat, I need your help, you quivering mass of slaughter-house pile engorged maggots!

(Except Dame YK2 and Dame Kitty, of whom I want nothing but the acceptance of a smarmy, sweet poem penned by yours truly)

[Edited because habits are hard to break (unless some bones are broken along with them, eh Stuka?)]

[ 07-29-2001: Message edited by: Leeo ]

[Leeo]

P.S. Hello Mr. Tinkles!

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by YK2:

" Tis done oh wise one did I please you"?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

* Plots do I see

[Berlichtingen]

Peng! and the figment known as Shaw!,

A map travels to you on the wings of doves (really enjoyed ripping the wings off those doves).

[Geier]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lawyer:

I have just returned from viewing a children's movie named "Cats and Dogs"<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Did Paxxy die somewhere in it? Messily? If not, it could hardly have been worth watching.

[Seanachai]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mark IV:

That's a nice effort for you. The problem is that this sounds more like someone who has just LOST a pair, without benefit of anasthesia, than someone who's GOT a pair. You are sputtering, sirrah (again, that eerie similarity to a nascent Shaw... ).

Seanachai, you are malfeasant! Your squirelet has failed in the vital matters of bolding, failed to address me as HERR Unger, failed to exhibit the wit or bile of a salted snail, and has challenged above his station, although not many lawn beetle larvae have internet access, to be sure.

I'm going to leave the room for a few hours and I trust this matter will be dealt with before I return.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Sigh...Mark IV, I can only say that he is a burden to me, truly he is. The Real World™ has, of course, had me in utter thrall lately, and I had lapsed in my vigilance because I thought the little bastard's PC was currently as half-witted as himself. I shall now have words with him. Have a scotch, and I shall return him to his allegiance.

Now, then, Squire Panzer Leader...to begin with, why did you ever choose a useless, pillocky screen name like that? It's hubris, lad. It's trite. It mocks the memory of Guderian, and makes you sound like a 19 year old. It's the Combat Mission equivalent of 'people' who randomly capitalize some letters and use numbers to represent others. It lowers you to the level of Combat Mission chipmunks like Rommel22. Should the Board crash at some future date, and you should, the Goddess willing, be bereft of your screen name, I want you to pick something more personal, regal, and appropriate to return here as.

I despair of you, Mouse. You had been doing so well. I'd actually begun to hold my head up again, and was thinking of suggesting that we change your 'Pool name to 'Mickey'. I thought you were on the road to better things.

And then, of course, you make a rather petulant attack on a Seniour Knight.

Mind, I would not only understand an attack on a Seniour Knight, I would applaud it. But not a petulant one. No stamping around, making moues, and getting bitchy with Knights.

I know not, sometimes, how to reach you (although increasingly, the image of a ballpeen hammer forms before me). Mark IV quite rightly called you on an infringement of the rules.

We have so very few rules here that they shouldn't be difficult for even the magically half-witted to keep in view. And there is a purpose to all of them. And the purpose of the rule that requires you to challenge someone specifically is this: If you won't take the time to learn who posts here, if you won't take the time to fit your challenge to that opponent, if you won't stop watching reruns of 'Blossom' long enough to try and come up with something witty and appropriate in your challenge, then why, by all the gods, should ANY OF US TAKE THE TIME TO PLAY YOU?!

There is a purpose to every rule laid out. They are marvelous in their simplicity. And the reasons behind them are as marvelously fulfilling and complex as the rules themselves are straightforward and simple.

By asking someone to just 'step forward', because you wanted another game, you insulted every member of the Peng Challenge Thread, in the same way that the SSNs and more foolish Serfs and Squires do. You sauntered into a gathering of people who's question to you is this:

I am a member of the Peng Challenge Thread. I hold certain standards of behaviour, of wit, and comportment to be self-evident. I don't care about your ability to play CM. I don't give a rat's nether regions about your win/loss record. I want you to tell me why I should play a game against you, Jimmy! (a tip of the bonnet to OGSF, there, who, if you notice, goes to great lengths with every goddman post).

Anyone can shuffle off to the Opponent Finder forum and strike a pose, and get a game. And any toad can come on the Board and strut and expose himself and crow about his standing on 'the Ladders' (like that little pillock who kept holding up a magnifying glass to his CM manhood early on in the 'Tournament of Stars' thread, with his much vaunted #3 standing. We all remember him as a posturing git, but who can even remember his screen name?), and play at 'gunslinger'.

But here, on the Peng Challenge Thread, we have standards. We demand personal acknowledgement.

We have rules.

Mark IV, your indulgence while I finish the instruction of my Squire. He is useless, and weak, but I think with much work, he may some day prove worthy. So I make shift to show him the way:

Mark IV, you outcast, spurned, North Country refugee who's so enervated by your last chew on the lotus that you cannot flee California. Where do I begin to detail your faults? I know, as an example to all here I shall forego the usual witticims regarding your bathroom habits, and avoid projecting my own insecurities by mocking you in a way that doesn't accuse you of having carnal knowledge of other men, most of whom wouldn't poke you with a sharp stick to see if you were dead or not.

I shall, instead, point out that you have mocked my Squire, taking onto yourself a role that is quite rightly my own. And you have had the gall to call me on it, sirrah, call me quite sharply to account for it! In this, I owe you no explanation, for how I discpline my Mouse is surely not your concern. You might better spend your time asking how you will balance your playing of Combat Mission with your craven policy of appeasement of your woman.

I understand that the world of 'Marketing' is where all lacklustre MBAs end up, swilling scotch, and making regular weekend phone calls to more successful classmates, who might be able to put them in touch with some 'knowledgeable insider' who can further their descent into the ethical wasteland of their profession by passing them unethical financial tips, like jaded nobles throwing scraps to their dogs...

And so it goes. Now, this was a bit stilted, and old-fashioned, and rough, but it's late, and I have other issues to deal with.

But, Mouse, do you notice how I make no reference to odd, inappropriate sitcom characters? How I address my remarks to the opponent in question, and show some knowledge of him and his life?

I would, without question, be more likely to give a game to someone who abused me as the 'boring, long-winded, senile bard of the Peng Challenge Thread', than some git who showed up shouting 'drop trow and bend over, old guy, and I'll drive you to Detroit! Hey, I'm one hellacious CM player, whoo-hoo, do you know that you guyz suck?! Hey, who thinks they can beat me?!' and then goes on to make several rather tedious and expected remarks about arses, arseholes, ****e, and further revelations about the trauma of the failure of their early toilet training.

Mouse, take note. I am not here to teach you how to play Combat Mission. That is the journey we are all on, and we take our lessons from it. I am here to teach you how to be a member of the Peng Challenge Thread.

And today's lesson is: Don't Whack, Whack, Whack! screw with the rules Thwack!, because, you little pillock Zwing!, they are there for a reason!

Mark IV soon we will have to have another game. I have learned much. You have learned more. We will have to see who's progress has been stronger.

Oh, and thank you for acknowledging my Squire. He's not actually worthy, as you well know. But perhaps some day...

[Seanachai]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by YK2:

YK2 walks into the main court and Kneels graciously before Sir Peng

"Of course you are right M'Lord"

Sir Seanacoochie did indeed bestow upon myself the right to be a "Dame of the pool"

But I want to see it up in *LIGHTS* *TWINKLING* amongst all those other Knights and Indeed next to the most sparkling Knight of all the one and only Sir PawBroon *SIGH*

Brushing away the dust from her Long Golden Dress YK2 stands up and composes herself before the court.

Ahem..... where was I? oh yeah, call me spoilt if you wish (for I have been) but that's what I am asking, to see my name in "Black and White" although "Technicolour" would be more acceptable...... On Sir Loraks Cesspool.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Indeed, and I declared Emma to be, not merely some 'Dame' but the 'Lady of the 'Pool'! I remember when she first rose before the Old Ones, her arm clad in the finest, shimmering samite, offering to our grasp...

Well, I thought it was an Extra Special Bitter, but Berli's always claimed it was an aged, single malt scotch.

Peng just says it was 'alcohol', and grins the sort of grin that is the last thing that some scuba-divers ever see.

But, in any case, we are all agree she was there, and dressed up fancy, not like some cheap tart, and seemed to be offering each of us a gift most rare and wonderful, and what each most desired.

And as far as Pawbroon goes, I always had him figured for Lancelot, after all. I mean, Lancelot was a frog too, wasn't he? And a Knight without compare? Well, who the hell could you compare Pawbroon to?

And I always did see the Peng Challenge Thread as a particularly odd Camelot, after all.

Much better than that rather off base comparison to the 'Lord of the Rings' that was going on a while ago. Have you ever read Malory's 'Le Morte D'Arthur'? Or even De Troyes? It's not like the musical.

[Seanachai]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Oh, so YOU'RE in on the conspiracy TOO! I might have guessed that pure EVIL would enjoy the torment of the masses this will cause. And what's this ELDER crap? I'm a Seniour Knight too you know, not to mention Prosecutor and Protector of The One The True CessPool.

Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'm sorry, Joe, but Berli is quite right. This goes well beyond being a Seniour Knight, and by Elder, he means 'one of the Old Ones'. And we are in agreement. Which is particularly remarkable.

So Simon Fox is a Knight of the Cesspool, and the Official Grog of the Peng Challenge Thread.

Now, Joe, I know how hard you work at the paranoia of keeping the Peng Challenge Thread free of the useless, the unworthy, the heretical. I know how much you treasure our many and very odd traditions.

And I know that, since Meeks fled to cope with Asian women, mongrel cousins, and the sweet mystery that is life, there has been a position gone unfulfilled on the Peng Challenge Thread.

I speak, of course, of the position of Inquisitor General of the Peng Challenge Thread.

This responsibility can only be held by the most dedicated, the most earnest, and the most clearly and totally deranged of the Seniour Knights (no, Mensch does not count, as the Inquistor General must also be relatively coherent, and must not number amongst his closest confidantes a dachshund named 'Frieda').

So, Sir Shaw, in a move that bares no resemblance to a patronage position handed out to sway opponents to getting on board over a matter of policy, how would you feel about accepting the position of 'Inquisitor General'?

I mean, at least until Meeks recovers himself, and proves capable of taking up his duties again. Which, of course, will most likely be never.

Oh, and you can recruit as your lieutenant my former Squire, Mr Spkr. The man's deeply bent, and has a watchdog mentality that should serve you well.

Lorak, scribe thusly:

Simon Fox (protesting and denying) Knight of the Peng Challenge Thread, and Official Grog thereof.

Shaw, Inquisitor General.

Mr Spkr: Inquisitorial Lackey

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Seanachai:

Lorak, scribe thusly:

Shaw, Inquisitor General.

Mr Spkr: Inquisitorial Lackey<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Now just you wait a cotton pickin' minute! You come strollin' in here passin' titles out right and left as if your word alone were enough to make it so. How about you sit back and have a nice tall glass of PISS OFF, MATE! Shaw ain't no replacement for Meeks... just not twisted enough, and MrSpkr hasn't developed enough personality yet to hold any kind of position beyond the Knighthood he has earned. Perhaps they will, someday, be worthy of the titles you wish to grant, but I assure you they are not yet. Now, seanachai, how about you toddle off and drool on yourself? Stick to things you're good at.

[Geier]

I have every hope to rectify (that one´s for you St bauhaus, you'd be pleased to know that I listened to Bela Lugosi is dead yesterday) all the awful difficulties involved with running W2K on a AMD system with a GeForce card on an AGP slot with a VIA bus... blablabla. Simply not on.

Since none of you useless bastids has given me a Mac I will boldly venture forward and install Windows ME from that lovable li'l company we all know and ... well.

Some issues: I do not have copies of all recent emails, however I believe I have all turns that I owe. Resend all other emails from last week if you want me to read them and/or respond to them.

Everyone I'm playing is Dying-a-Whole-Damn-Lot.

Ethan: If you can play Lord Snapcase Shaw you might as well go ahead and lose to me as well. Send me a turn baby.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Berli protested thusly: Now just you wait a cotton pickin' minute! You come strollin' in here passin' titles out right and left as if your word alone were enough to make it so.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Exactly my point Berli, (Gawd, I think I'm gonna be sick). It is NOT his place to be passing out titles, be they the title of KNIGHT, GROG, INQUISITOR or whatever else his devious little mind conjures up. Nor, may I be so BOLD (get it?), is it the place of Peng ... nor YOURSELF!

Now granted the very thought of using the words DEMOCRACY adn CESSPOOL in the same post, let along phrase is enough to make a man swear off booze ... well maybe not THAT bad, but we Knights have rights too you know.

Now Seanachai is correct in ONE thing, there are classes of Knights and I hereby acknowledge my mistake (see what sort of man I am, that acknowledges his mistakes ... I am constantly amazed at my humanity) in equating Old Ones, a.k.a. Elders with Seniour Knights of which I am one.

Nonetheless, while we Seniour Knights, Knights in Ordinary and Juniour Knights rightfully sit at the feet of the Old Ones (albeit with hankies tightly pressed to nostrils) and gain wisdom (actually we hope to gain the loose change that regularly falls from their pockets as well as the odd bottle that sometimes, not often but sometimes, slips from nerveless fingers) from them, we do NOT automatically bow to their wishes.

Are we, fellow Knights of the CessPool, lackeys to do the wishes of the Old Ones? Are we merely their squires or do we have RIGHTS to have our voices heard? Are THEY the only ones who DETERMINE the course of the CessPool?

NO DETERMINATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION!

IS RANK A BLANK CHECK FOR DESPOTS?

WE HAVE A VOICE FELLOW KNIGHTS OF THE CESSPOOL, WE HAVE RIGHTS AND WE DEMAND THAT THIS TYRANNY OF THE FEW, BY THE FEW AND FOR THE FEW SHALL PERISH FROM THIS EARTH.

Hummmfff ... thank you for your consideration.

Joe

[mensch]

IT IS ON!

The bloodhamster match between Elivs and Gonna has been sent.

I like to thank those who had no part in this match.

<center>

</center>

[Buzzsaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrPeng: A texas chainlinked-buzzsawcagedanimal-deathmatchfromhell.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Should I be honored that a senior knight has mentioned my name, or frightened because I was accidentally included in the random ravings of a lunatic? I guess I will wait with a combination of longing and fear for the (distant) day when he includes my moniker in a complete sentence.

MrSpkr

Or should I call you Mr Inquisitorial Lackey? Does that mean that I really must deal with you first? I see from your profile that you are a “legal professional”. And I thought that they only gave licenses for your line of work in certain counties in Nevada. Funny, it’s not unlike the role you serve here in the Cesspool.

Elvis

Your total lack of response to my jibes reveals a little more intelligence than I though you had. Discretion is the better part of valor and all that. Don’t get involved in a fight you can’t win. Or is the underlying principal “never do something yourself when your lackey can do it for you”?

Berlichtingen

You remain a cave-dwelling, simple-minded boob. Your low member number is remarkable only because it exceeds your IQ. The only reason I even chose to address you in the first place is because of your bizarre screen name, which I now suspect was just some spelling error on your part. You can stay in your cave eating raw frogs for the time being. Once I’m done with MrSpkr I’ll return to you.

[mensch]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by YK2:

…pretty poem…<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

wow wadda lass! *sigh*

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Seanachai:

And today's lesson is: Whack, Whack, Whack!

Thwack!

you little pillock

Zwing!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Sigh

I hate to say I told you so, Sir Seanachai, but . . . wouldn't we have all been much better off had you heeded my idea, shoved him in a burlap bag and dumped him in the mill pond behind Joe Shaw's tower?

Ahh well, the past is the past . . . but of course there is NO time like the present . . .

No?

Okay . . . I guess.

By the way, you forget the BOOT! again. Never spare the BOOT!, particularly for Mouse.